Cum Town | Premium | 07/10/2017
[00:00:04] Yeah, we probably shouldn't watch the Twilight Zone.
[00:00:06] Actually, I prefer it if you got distracted.
[00:00:09] And we're quote unquote contributing to the podcast.
[00:00:18] Yeah, like a life partners and there's a bottom and there's two
[00:00:24] Like I'm a cowboy and you're the man I own and drive.
[00:00:28] So we live in a frontier town that's so so far out into the
[00:00:34] wilderness that no women are allowed there.
[00:00:45] an Apache woman's face spray painted on your ass.
[00:00:54] Yeah. So depending on the mood you're in, which one of the
[00:00:57] ranch hands is in there, I go, I go, what do you want?
[00:01:04] I watched a I watched Howard Hawks movie.
[00:01:08] Fucking El Dorado the other day with with John Wayne and Dean
[00:01:15] Dean Martin, the guy from from the Godfather, Sonny.
[00:01:25] At the very end, they get past security by James Con putting
[00:01:29] a pot on his head and doing a fake Chinese accent.
[00:01:34] And that's how hell yeah, that's how they get into the saloon
[00:01:39] It really all came down to that pot on the head gag.
[00:01:42] Well, when someone so if society's so racist that like doing
[00:01:47] just being like, Oh, me Chinese and people, they do the
[00:01:53] Like, wow, it's like he's from the Orient.
[00:01:56] Well, it's funny because like they would do those characters
[00:01:58] and it wasn't supposed to be like an exaggeration really.
[00:02:01] It was just supposed to be an accurate portrayal of like
[00:02:04] Mr. Tylo, whatever his fucking name is in breakfast at Tiffany's.
[00:02:10] Mickey, Mickey, Rudy, Licki, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy,
[00:02:12] not for like six months to prepare for that role.
[00:02:19] So we got a friend of the show back again.
[00:02:21] Hey, guys, back by popular demand, micro scene.
[00:02:29] Just got back from a failed trip to Italy.
[00:02:32] No, he didn't go to the other side, dude.
[00:02:34] He went to Spain, which is, you know, the same kind of.
[00:02:40] It's funny that Spain is like fucking Spain.
[00:02:48] No, they're not the same exact country.
[00:02:52] One has like, top-offs and the other one has
[00:03:02] I don't know where, you know, salmon colored pants.
[00:03:04] One had the Spanish Inquisition and the other one had the
[00:03:23] Just a bunch of rapes because the lasagna was cold.
[00:03:29] I can't focus with this fucking dick nose motherfucker on screen, dude.
[00:03:37] If you guys thought those riffs were good, fuck.
[00:03:48] I think it's Adam's finger was too weak to turn on the air condition.
[00:03:59] The finger you use to press the button is too much of a bitch finger.
[00:04:12] It smells like doing homework and men's assholes.
[00:04:17] You are not allowed to turn on the air conditioner.
[00:04:29] Every time I buy a piece of electronics, I got to mention it three or four times on the podcast
[00:04:37] The way it counts is a review and I can write it off as a business experience.
[00:04:46] We're an electronics and prostitution podcast.
[00:04:51] We're in the radio shack genre on iTunes.
[00:04:55] Adam, do you write off when you get jerked off by sex slaves?
[00:05:00] So next time you don't need a receipt, dude.
[00:05:05] Okay, well that's not what my account is told me.
[00:05:15] He was like mayor of Cincinnati and he got caught in a prostitution scandal because he paid for a hooker with a check.
[00:05:26] Yeah, Jerry Springer is one of my heroes.
[00:05:29] Yeah, that was a fucking great show man.
[00:05:32] Dude, I associate him with being homesick from school because I just watched Jerry Springer in the morning.
[00:05:42] They gave Steve Wilco's his own damn show.
[00:05:48] As far as I can remember, it's still...
[00:05:57] Didn't he have a pedophile on one episode and he just yelled at him?
[00:06:05] He's like I fuck my daughter, no one can stop me.
[00:06:10] Right, I mean it's like I want to know what Steve Wilco's is to take on that's gonna be.
[00:06:15] The very best of all of them is Jenny Jones.
[00:06:17] No one will ever be better than she was cooking.
[00:06:35] And then the guy was like you know okay I guess and then they fucked and a hotel that night and then he murdered the guy cause he...
[00:06:45] It wasn't, I mean a straight guy would never murder somebody or something.
[00:06:48] No, every murder is perpetrated by a mentally ill gay person in history.
[00:06:59] I mean you say that like sarcastically but...
[00:07:07] A straight man has ever murdered anybody.
[00:07:15] That guy Omar Mateen that kept visiting that gay club in Orlando.
[00:07:19] Just to check out the scene but not but super straight guy.
[00:07:25] He got really upset and then killed all those poor Hispanic gay men.
[00:07:53] I'm waiting for the news server when it's like the murders...
[00:07:55] iPhone was found with 14 episodes of Comtan.
[00:08:02] Comtan murders didn't leave my instincts.
[00:08:04] Oh, I worry about that because it probably would happen.
[00:08:08] At least it's like a drunk driving incident.
[00:08:12] I got really scared when there was that kid that was calling all the JCC's with bomb threats.
[00:08:16] I was like, that's definitely one of us.
[00:08:19] Dude, Allegia and his gang's fan killed his mom.
[00:08:24] And they had a picture of him like at the show watching.
[00:08:28] He came to the creek and there's a picture of him like over Louis' shoulder.
[00:08:33] Well, Allegia and his gang's fan killed his mom.
[00:08:45] It was inspired to murder the run-long because of something racist I said.
[00:08:58] It turned out that it meant someone murdered their own mom.
[00:09:05] You know, it's like really changing someone's life.
[00:09:09] Allegia and his gang's did that in a way we haven't yet.
[00:09:11] You know, I enjoy the one with him and Amico more than the main one now.
[00:09:28] I don't think anyone would dispute that.
[00:09:30] What do you think we'd have to trade Louis?
[00:09:31] He's probably fishing for compliments there.
[00:09:33] Anything we'd have to trade Louis to get Amico for Adam.
[00:09:41] That would be an awesome show, actually.
[00:09:49] He'd get like a porn star and be like, give this gay kid a blowjob.
[00:09:56] Some girl that's 17 years old that looks 47.
[00:10:02] Yeah, I mean, porn's just like it's actually empowering.
[00:10:07] Those women don't know about empowerment.
[00:10:09] They're empowering to be doing porn also to be on his show.
[00:10:15] The one when Stop was on when he was in the onesie.
[00:10:23] She's like, don't talk about fucking autism.
[00:10:27] She goes, my brother's autistic and he's more successful than any of you.
[00:10:33] I think I made this point the first time, but it's like, oh, so here we're started, brother,
[00:10:43] Your parents seem to do a real good job with him above and beyond.
[00:10:47] She's saying his brother that she's like doing Hitler's salutes.
[00:11:11] Dude, that's a dream of mine to have a boner in the same room as Anthony's.
[00:11:23] I'm like, actually it happens to none of them who are particularly on the side.
[00:11:29] Oh, that'd be an alpha move to flip that.
[00:11:31] It'd be like, well, this is all you, bitch.
[00:11:34] I'm like, well, maybe you should get me wet.
[00:11:37] It's like, I'm not in control of those glands.
[00:11:46] You didn't drink enough Capri Sun before this encounter.
[00:12:05] We went to Croatia and then Barcelona learned about the genocide in Bosnia.
[00:12:12] It's just one of those little countries heads had their own genocide.
[00:12:16] Oh, these kind of served to each other.
[00:12:17] Well, it's so funny when you got one shitty type of automobile.
[00:12:32] But you can't tell them the point at all.
[00:12:35] With the Muslims that they were killing in Bosnia, there were Albanians though.
[00:12:39] Yeah, they're Bosnian, like Bosnian, Albania or Muslim.
[00:12:48] Fuck, I was watching YouTube videos about Bosnia and like, there's all these things.
[00:12:52] And like, there's all these comments from Serbs being like, America is lie.
[00:12:58] Did we drop mad bombs that when Monica Lewinsky thing was going on?
[00:13:15] Wait, I'm saying you got to be a citizen.
[00:13:22] I actually acknowledge when I cut off and I apologize for what I'm sorry.
[00:13:24] Why are you including me and Stav and you were doing?
[00:13:40] Yeah, so I was fucking getting my dick shot dick.
[00:13:45] Oh, have you heard about In Croatia in the 70s?
[00:13:56] You was talking about getting his dick shot.
[00:14:09] He's a MMA fighter from like 10 years ago.
[00:14:17] And that guy on the 6th series, Croatia.
[00:14:36] My girlfriend's cousin went there like a few months ago and like she wanted to go.
[00:14:50] I think that could happen to you if you go in the, I thought my herpes came back because
[00:14:54] I only had one outbreak in like two years.
[00:14:57] But I guess if you go in the ocean, you can get sea lice.
[00:15:06] Do you guys have a similar semi herpes thing going on here?
[00:15:18] I mean, because I had that shit happen where I was convinced I had it and then like nothing,
[00:15:23] Yeah, it didn't come back from the world.
[00:15:24] I couldn't go to a doctor and then, but I've always had like skin problems.
[00:15:28] And so I had what I thought was the same thing and I went to the doctor and they did a
[00:15:31] swab test and they're like, yeah, no, that's just like, like a hair, like you have like
[00:15:35] fucked up hair follicles from like chafing or something.
[00:15:38] But I do test positive for type one, which is cold sores, which I've been getting since
[00:15:50] You're supposed to be able to like auto inoculate or if you have it on your mouth, you can't
[00:16:00] No, I have a I have a my dick clean as hell, ladies.
[00:16:03] If you're out there, I get kangaroo sores.
[00:16:05] You want to rock the sores on your boy.
[00:16:11] I get like follicle light is or something.
[00:16:14] I remember being a kid and I was embarrassed that I was Italian.
[00:16:20] I didn't like Italian Spanish people and Indians.
[00:16:23] I just I thought they were like, I mean, now you're one out of three of those.
[00:16:26] Well, my mom always make comments about how Indian people's houses smell.
[00:16:33] Because I would like to have a long chat.
[00:16:44] I'd alphabetize the list of ethnicities.
[00:16:55] In 50 minutes, you're still on A. Back to Albanians, baby.
[00:17:09] I'm like native of the same New Jersey.
[00:17:15] I think it's pretty pretty cool, right?
[00:17:20] Did shut down the beaches and be like, well, I'm going.
[00:17:22] Well, there's nothing worse than people being like, can you believe he did this?
[00:17:24] And it's like, if you had to write a funny scene or a sketch, you would never think
[00:17:35] That's actually all of my sketch ideas.
[00:17:37] That guy goes to McDonald's and they're out of burgers so he eats the clown.
[00:17:54] Did you grew up in like an Italian community?
[00:18:00] And like I was the only, I think I was like the only Italian kid in my school.
[00:18:08] Because I'm like from the suburbs kind of.
[00:18:12] Yeah, but I just thought I didn't like, I don't want to have dark.
[00:18:15] That's like the biggest ethnic, I mean after like what German Irish, it's got to be Italians
[00:18:21] Yeah, I just didn't want to have dark skin.
[00:18:22] My sister thought my father was black for like the first eight years of real life because
[00:18:27] It's funny how dark some of the, like Anthony DeVito is like, oh yeah.
[00:18:34] You're like, no, you're like ethnically a cab driver.
[00:18:36] So it's weird New York, you know, mystery races.
[00:18:44] Culture, their culture is those like beads you place over the driver's seat.
[00:18:50] Yeah, this is fucking 10 motherfuckers.
[00:18:54] Yeah, it is funny how some Greek are like that too.
[00:18:59] And they're also tend to be the most racist ones.
[00:19:02] It's like, come on, man, you're, you're black.
[00:19:07] The cool aid well, the poison, cool aid well.
[00:19:11] There's a guy named Captain, we called Captain, I said named.
[00:19:14] There's a fucking guy in my neighborhood in Greek town.
[00:19:17] And he just looked like a fucking, like a fucking half Somali pirate with curly ass
[00:19:29] It's like the immigrants are always very.
[00:19:31] It's just ancient black people fucking your great, great, great grandmothers.
[00:19:42] That's a weird, weird race is Negritos.
[00:19:49] It sounds worse because it sounds like you had a Cheeto too.
[00:19:53] You know what I love about black people?
[00:20:02] You guys saw how hot fire Cheetos you pour a sprite in the bag and shake it up.
[00:20:15] I'm so jealous you guys don't have to worry about your career being taken away from you.
[00:20:20] I mean, what's going to happen to you though?
[00:20:24] I mean, I'd be like, things are different now.
[00:20:29] And even if I continued to be a piece of shit, like I could still go back to like bullshit
[00:20:36] They're not going to be like, oh, I'm sorry, but this is bad publicity for fucking dominoes
[00:20:46] You'd be like, if I had to, if I fucking had to, I would wear for dominoes.
[00:20:49] You would get some kind of bullshit job where you'd make shit or something.
[00:20:52] That would be cool, but I mean, I don't have that on my resume.
[00:20:55] You're a cuss on the show or even left at any racist anything.
[00:21:08] Little jay rapist is Adam getting fired because they find out he's Jewish from the podcast.
[00:21:16] We were big fans of come town, but we've, we didn't know you were Jewish.
[00:21:19] So we're going to have to fire you from this law firm.
[00:21:27] I'm sorry, but this is the termination of your employment with complaining, steal them
[00:21:44] I guess besides raping, I've never done anything wrong.
[00:21:49] No, I mean, everything comes to an end, dude.
[00:21:52] Just because we're going to kill ourselves.
[00:21:53] I mean, it would be absurd to not think the bottom would fall out on all this shit.
[00:22:02] When he's going to die in the show is not going to be the same.
[00:22:04] That's probably what's going to happen.
[00:22:05] Probably more likely I'm going to be wildly successful and I won't have time to do the
[00:22:11] We'll have to go back to being dog walker comedians.
[00:22:17] Dog walker comedians that sometimes feature.
[00:22:24] I'll just go back to, yeah, being an occasional guest on the Chappo Trap House.
[00:22:30] Well, that's the only reason you got on this show anyways.
[00:22:32] This is because what is a stepping stone to be on Chappo?
[00:22:41] I've got it all written down called revenge.
[00:22:49] I texted you that I was making carbonara, but you never responded.
[00:22:53] I think I was out of town or something.
[00:22:56] It's a fun play on the traditional bacon, egg, and cheese.
[00:23:02] That's how I'm the first guy to ever say.
[00:23:04] The chicken carbonara sandwich at Quiz Nosed.
[00:23:19] You've got to get somebody with too much consensual sex with the dolls.
[00:23:25] Somebody that knows the forbidden tastes of the world to dictate your delightful flavors.
[00:23:32] You needed to make a sandwich that would stand out compared to a boy's asshole.
[00:23:37] We all saw Jared and we were like, he has the courage to be who he is.
[00:23:41] Imagine Jared reclined on a chaise lounge eating grapes with a couple of boys sucking
[00:23:51] And they bring him the new subway flavors.
[00:23:55] They bring him the new subway flavors and he's like, this one's not tangy enough.
[00:24:02] And he's got like a powdered face like the marquee in the fake mole.
[00:24:07] And his, I thought he was a heterosexual pedophile.
[00:24:13] He was always said was, no, I guess I did say boys.
[00:24:18] You don't want to, you don't want to throw that on time.
[00:24:23] I think it was like we'll show some respect.
[00:24:27] I think he was 12 and 13 year old girl.
[00:24:29] But you know what, he fucked a boy too.
[00:24:30] I don't think, I don't think that was cool in the olden times back when you did fuck
[00:24:34] boys like for like Roman statesmen to have a boy that they would find.
[00:24:39] I don't think you could go fuck a girl.
[00:24:41] I think that would be wrong for them too.
[00:24:47] If she's that old, you know, I don't know.
[00:25:01] Yeah, we're listening to Chappo Trap House with your hosts, Adam Frieden.
[00:25:18] Here are some bits I stole from Brandon Wardell.
[00:25:22] It's the fucking shittiest Uru Burus of all time.
[00:25:44] We talked about this like two episodes ago.
[00:25:46] Do you have a snake that doesn't like being treaded on?
[00:25:57] I fucking wish I could remember how it was worded but he was like, ah yes, the good snake
[00:26:09] No, I know the way you're talking about that.
[00:26:28] And he's just funny shit and just lives in Jersey.
[00:26:32] Shout out to that guy none of us are friends with.
[00:26:37] I actually made friends with him and he said, look, we can't be friends because that Adam
[00:26:47] Do you know anybody who does this a bit about Marmaduke on the last episode?
[00:26:51] I didn't steal a Marmaduke observation.
[00:26:57] Marmaduke was a giant dog who made things messy.
[00:27:08] You couldn't possibly be smart enough to understand what this means.
[00:27:24] Because these fucking love comedians, they show us the norm McDonalds.
[00:27:43] Can we all just get along in front of Mike?
[00:27:56] It'll take three and a half, four hours.
[00:28:04] You want to go first thing in the morning before the Hispanic people are getting it.
[00:28:10] Well, yeah, they take up all the wheelchairs so they can cut the lines even though they
[00:28:18] You know what, the mind does is just people...
[00:28:20] We went to Disney and my brother got a wheelchair even though he's autistic and totally walked.
[00:28:22] I love accusing Hispanic people of doing the same exact shit that I do.
[00:28:27] Just criticizing them for being Americans.
[00:28:30] That's the best kind of racing I've ever loved.
[00:28:44] In fifth grade, we went to Six Flags and there was this kid Aaron Michko that everybody made
[00:28:55] But we walked by him at the trip and he was just holding hands with his dad.
[00:29:10] He was just a kid that everybody made fun.
[00:29:16] So a kid in my gym class named Mitchell and I call him Bitchole.
[00:29:26] I was going to tell a story about somebody holding hands.
[00:29:31] I was walking to the train and some guy comes out of his building directly in front of me and
[00:29:34] he's holding hands with like what looks like another man from the back.
[00:29:40] But they're the same exact size and they have like the same proportions except the one man
[00:29:47] But these like enormous stumpy calves and money get a profile.
[00:29:50] I realized it's this man's like 10 year old son that's hit puberty early.
[00:29:54] So like it's this like little boy with this like dumb man's body.
[00:29:59] He's just holding his dad's hand on the way to the train.
[00:30:08] I told my dad I was at a fucking restaurant when I was like eight and this Greek father
[00:30:13] and the son they like in the race and started open mouth kissing like like right in front
[00:30:18] of our table and it was like horrifying.
[00:30:21] And last and I was like what the fuck is that?
[00:30:24] My parents were like Greek people do things weird.
[00:30:27] I suck my my friend father off every time I see him.
[00:30:31] So you keep his watch going they say my grandfather had a stopwatch.
[00:30:35] It's like old Greek parable about the stopwatch that would stop ticking if he didn't suck his
[00:30:43] And if the watch stopped his heart would break.
[00:30:47] His beautiful heart would shatter into a million into pieces.
[00:30:55] Keep my grandfather's cock at 69 miles an hour the whole time.
[00:31:02] You guys you know what I'm just going to go get it.
[00:31:05] No I want to see this fucking tracksuit.
[00:31:09] We'll talk to Mike about six flags more ugly tracksuit.
[00:31:14] What was the story you were about to tell in like fifth grade went to Disney and like
[00:31:20] My brother can totally walk but like we we got a wheelchair.
[00:31:22] My my grandmother like my grandmother passed away this year and it's funny like when somebody
[00:31:27] dies you'd oh that's not that's nice Nick.
[00:31:36] Yeah I mean you make a mess out of it but look at the look at the lapels.
[00:31:39] I would get marinara all over that big the lapels are.
[00:31:44] That's fucking this is the nicest thing I've ever owned in my life.
[00:31:47] How much does that say you're back 150?
[00:31:49] Where'd you get it because like dude did it store.
[00:31:52] Yeah you got it there for the Manhattan.
[00:31:54] Because if you go to some of these sneaker shops in bedside they have like cool stuff like
[00:32:01] I don't know why we don't like each other.
[00:32:04] But my grandmother passed away so like you know if somebody dies you remember all the
[00:32:10] But then like you start to remember like some of the shitty stuff.
[00:32:13] She would always park in the handicap spot because my grandfather had a handicap tag.
[00:32:23] I remember I parked in the handicap spot at my old apartment complex so I could like
[00:32:28] play gold nigh with Jake in front of his and there's no there's plenty of spots up and
[00:32:36] And I just parked in that spot because I was fucking lazy and I would do it all the time
[00:32:39] and I like came back out and there was like a cop who like giving me a $600 ticket.
[00:32:45] I was like furious and I was like I'm going to fight this.
[00:32:52] There's a comic from Long Island who's got a bit and he's like why can't we park in the
[00:32:56] He's like no they pocket off fucking spots.
[00:32:59] I love who that's the direction he went and not with like I always try I could never figure
[00:33:04] out a joke about it but I love that like the spots obviously Ospilim it's your fucking
[00:33:08] asshole but like their toilet which seems a lot more important.
[00:33:21] You want to get lifted a little higher.
[00:33:23] Because you know what and that's why the parking spot thing is both.
[00:33:26] All shit because it's like worst case scenario you come out and move your car into some handicap
[00:33:31] guy sitting in the air conditioning in his fucking Mercedes right you know.
[00:33:39] You made me welcome the sense you made me wait in this 7-11 parking lot for 15 minutes.
[00:33:45] There's a possibility that you'll come out of a handicap stall and there is going to be
[00:33:48] a handicap guy sitting there in his own feces.
[00:33:51] I tried this shit in the urinal but I couldn't because I needed that bar.
[00:33:56] I needed the high toilet in the bar and you prevented me from access to it and now I'm
[00:34:01] covered in feces which I can only smell not feel.
[00:34:14] There's going to be shit on me for weeks.
[00:34:18] I went up with a handicap girl once and then I got her pants off and I went kind of heading
[00:34:23] This is maybe the lowest point of my life.
[00:34:26] I like we were hanging out like all night.
[00:34:27] She's really you got her pants off and you were out of breath.
[00:34:35] I got her pants off and then I like couldn't get hard.
[00:34:41] That's the most touching thing I've ever done.
[00:34:46] It's like a little version of one of my legs.
[00:34:57] In a lot of ways you really bonded that night.
[00:35:00] Sometimes I'm like why do I try to be funny?
[00:35:04] I actually haven't seen it but I feel like that's like a Disney plot.
[00:35:23] I mean but do you think that was just I mean I don't know man anything will throw anything
[00:35:30] You never know but you think it was probably the non functioning legs.
[00:35:40] It's tough to realize that your dick would you have no real control over.
[00:35:47] My friend went to leg soul atrophied and shit.
[00:36:01] It was like the pants holes for but then they like they just come out of the middle and
[00:36:06] I'm trying to write for at midnight next.
[00:36:14] We accidentally called a microcedent early.
[00:36:16] It's actually Scott Chaplin everyone who's telling this story.
[00:36:19] I mean you could probably just pass off.
[00:36:29] They're all just characters doing each other.
[00:36:37] I saw the ugliest black guy you ever seen at the bus.
[00:36:45] There's this retarded black guy in my alternative school that I went to.
[00:37:05] You got a girlfriend with me in the wheelchair.
[00:37:09] Went to high school with my friend in North Jersey.
[00:37:11] Apparently she was mean to everyone in high school.
[00:37:22] Was she the go to wheelchair actress in her?
[00:37:25] And then so apparently one of my friends said, got toppy.
[00:37:44] I think I'm going to start calling head getting toppy.
[00:37:48] That's like a cool, that's like what Robert Redford
[00:37:54] I got a yen for some primo toppy over here.
[00:38:06] I'm going to circumcise you with some wire cutters.
[00:38:13] I'm putting those fucking ear gauges in my foreskin
[00:38:22] What do you get those gauges for your ear?
[00:38:29] You go to Chelsea, and you just ask the fucking,
[00:38:32] the guy with the best posture but pot belly you see.
[00:38:42] Where do I get one of those penis gauging things?
[00:38:56] There's a porn called The Opening of Misty Beethoven
[00:39:00] I was looking for it for a girl for one time.
[00:39:04] I'm in the classical film and books and literature.
[00:39:07] I was like, you're kind of like old books.
[00:39:11] Books and we are just pornos with plots.
[00:39:22] Why are they in the Library of Congress then?
[00:39:25] You're going to tell me I don't read books.
[00:39:27] There's got to be porn in the Library of Congress, right?
[00:39:35] Like Debbie does Dallas, her deep throat is probably
[00:39:48] That's probably in the Library of Congress, dude.
[00:40:00] That might have been behind the green door.
[00:40:05] She was filming her getting railed out,
[00:40:08] So they were like, yep, that was the law of the day.
[00:40:13] The law of the day was if there's grass on the field,
[00:40:17] If there's a sort of spacer comes in, all right,
[00:40:22] He tugs on to make sure it's not glued on.
[00:40:38] Anyway, so why would you like some 30s guy that's
[00:40:44] Well, as you're there, I'm the porn inspector.
[00:40:47] I'm here to make sure that the girls are at least having
[00:40:55] So wait, you were talking about you're looking up a porn.
[00:40:57] Yeah, but it's not that great of a story.
[00:41:01] and I was like, do you guys have regular porn here or just gay?
[00:41:11] I just had time to kill those green shows.
[00:41:13] And I'm like, maybe I could find that porn.
[00:41:16] So I went to like the fact that someone answered that ridiculous.
[00:41:30] I'm so jealous you got to live that moment.
[00:41:36] Adam, can you imagine killing that heart on this podcast?
[00:41:39] Can you imagine what it would feel like if you ever
[00:41:46] I've killed that heart plenty of times.
[00:41:49] You can't hear the chorus of audience laughter,
[00:41:52] because they're on the other side of the internet.
[00:41:53] They're Googling Norm McDonald, Marvie.
[00:42:15] I also bought this book on like how to eat pussy.
[00:42:20] It's like written really weird, though.
[00:42:22] It was written weird because the guy who wrote it
[00:42:25] was tinting his fingers the entire time.
[00:42:27] Titated it into his boost mobile phone.
[00:42:36] is because you got to give her the pleasure that she knows
[00:42:40] she deserves, but not the kind that you think she deserves.
[00:42:53] But I would be interested to take a read.
[00:42:58] It's like the guy's like it's very flowery and weird.
[00:43:00] I had an ex-girlfriend that I had that book.
[00:43:11] No, she's like, this is a good book you should check out.
[00:43:18] Yeah, she was actually before she was making a clear.
[00:43:22] She actually showed you how to keep your cock hard was another one.
[00:43:30] And also, how to be black by Bertrand Thirston.
[00:43:36] She gave me that in Mine Comme and Invisible Man.
[00:43:43] It was before we started dating, actually.
[00:43:48] And I was like, oh, this bitch definitely
[00:43:55] I'm like, I think they bully Adam too much.
[00:44:02] You guys look like you're having so much fun.
[00:44:07] But you sit there and you stop paying attention.
[00:44:20] He thinks that he thinks that you bully me too much.
[00:44:22] Well, that's the opposite of what he's saying.
[00:44:27] Once he saw it, he recognized how great it was.
[00:44:39] But me and my girlfriend taking a road trip,
[00:44:41] and I was like, what do you want to listen to?
[00:44:43] I just don't want to hear about politics.
[00:44:47] I'm like, they don't just talk about calm, stupid.
[00:44:53] I mean, to be fair, a lot of it is just like fucking, yeah.
[00:44:59] Yeah, we talked about how long you need it.
[00:45:03] Hey, you guys were credit stew to keep it going a year
[00:45:06] with fucking nothing but Jacking off talk.
[00:45:09] I mean, that's why you have to lean on making fun of Adam.
[00:45:12] Because, you know, I've already bought all the other products.
[00:45:15] Everybody's trying to be relevant and political.
[00:45:20] Whereas we're trying to go to Six Flags before the Hispanic
[00:45:25] Oh, dude, your girlfriend at my birthday party getting in that argument
[00:45:33] with Will was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
[00:45:36] Oh, yeah, we talked about that already.
[00:45:46] And she's like, I don't know, she's like not like a right winger.
[00:45:58] Not even being able to never stand being foot.
[00:46:03] I was like, what is she talking a will about?
[00:46:05] She's like, don't tell me I'm a press because I'm a woman.
[00:46:15] She doesn't really like we fight about immigrants a lot.
[00:46:19] And I'm always very like pro-immigrant.
[00:46:21] I'm like, if somebody has to sneak here and clean toilets,
[00:46:23] you know, then I have a little sympathy for them.
[00:46:26] And she's like, a lot of them come here to milk the system.
[00:46:30] Because she has to give speech therapy to their fucking kids.
[00:46:41] She's like, retarded as a second language.
[00:46:52] But he just slid that in there, retarded as a second language.
[00:46:54] He will just throw out a phrase that's completely
[00:47:22] I didn't know what I thought it was a Spanish word.
[00:47:24] I thought it was like Esau meant learning how to not talk
[00:47:31] I remember one time when I first went to like when I was
[00:47:34] in first grade, there was such a big like Greek population
[00:47:38] that they tested everyone that was Greek for Esau.
[00:47:46] We checked to see how many grapes we could fit in his ass.
[00:47:49] And your son is the most Greek boy here.
[00:47:54] There's a bottle of olive oil to celebrate.
[00:48:04] Well, you couldn't speak English like that.
[00:48:07] And then I saw my friend, Gosta, that was just there.
[00:48:13] But he was just in Esau because he was stupid.
[00:48:17] He was bad at English because he's a fucking idiot.
[00:48:20] So he was like, oh, yeah, it's because I speak Greek
[00:48:24] I was like, wait, Gosta, what the fuck are you doing here?
[00:48:30] So like, yeah, he tried to, even though he didn't speak
[00:48:33] a second language, he still didn't speak English well enough
[00:48:38] Remember when they do the hearing test,
[00:48:39] where they put that thing on your side?
[00:48:44] I don't remember they did that until I was in like third
[00:48:46] or fourth grade, meaning that if I was like deaf,
[00:48:49] they just wouldn't have known for the first four years.
[00:48:52] I was like, just after like, no, we'll wait.
[00:49:00] And I've had tits as I was like 10 years old.
[00:49:01] So my mom had to write a note and be like,
[00:49:10] I've tried to talk about this on stage,
[00:49:11] but yeah, she's like, our doctor's just going to do it.
[00:49:20] So you said, I took it off a little bit,
[00:49:21] but I was always kind of like, I always hide them.
[00:49:24] I had a couple of years before I really accepted my body.
[00:49:28] I remember because as a youth, I was a shirt in the pool boy.
[00:49:31] I remember the first time I saw a kid that was like fatter
[00:49:42] And it's actually the best way to live.
[00:49:48] You go into the beach is always pretty funny.
[00:49:49] The thing about being fat is like the best of all of the things
[00:49:53] to have it's because it's like, you're not going
[00:49:59] You're not going to get killed by the police.
[00:50:00] If you're a fat person, then it'll be a great gardener.
[00:50:03] He's equating being fat to other disabilities.
[00:50:10] You're kind of like, you know, like a identity thing.
[00:50:14] Although there were a few people who got on TV here to
[00:50:18] But in exchange, you get to just eat whatever the fuck you
[00:50:23] I mean, you do the same thing with smoking or cocaine.
[00:50:27] I know it isn't politically correct to say this,
[00:50:35] There are a couple people who did remember that.
[00:50:39] That was my only problem with it, that they fetch him.
[00:50:41] I thought the cops went by the book, and I thought
[00:50:44] It's the worst when you watch that video, and that girl shows up,
[00:50:52] Mike Diesel and Clay Miles used to have a comedy tour
[00:50:55] called The Fat Guy and The Black Eyed Comedy Tour.
[00:50:57] Risk money, because Clay Miles was also fat.
[00:51:06] Imagine somebody reading the newspaper in the morning
[00:51:12] That's like Vaudeville-level advertising.
[00:51:27] I mean, as funny as you can be by being
[00:51:36] Mike Diesel ran it into the fucking ground.
[00:51:39] It's a different hotel now or something.
[00:51:41] Yeah, but I mean, they turned it into like.
[00:51:44] Is they started letting Oscar, that fucking El Salvador fucking
[00:51:53] They let him start doing like regga-tone nights.
[00:51:56] So the nights at the club, and he just packed the place
[00:51:59] And I think eventually they just decided to switch it over.
[00:52:02] I'm not sure what the decision was, but.
[00:52:13] What's like four highways meeting in the middle of Virginia?
[00:52:17] And it's also like the biggest fucking mall.
[00:52:24] It's built like a second mall right next door.
[00:52:30] I went there to watch Fast and the Furious 6.
[00:52:38] Do they have the iMacs and shit out there?
[00:52:41] I know, but it was like, I guess there's
[00:52:42] a lot of Hispanic kids in Northern Virginia, which
[00:52:46] is that's the audience you want when you go see
[00:52:54] It's like a little Acura, but it's a Honda.
[00:53:03] used to be really into getting their acuras
[00:53:10] Well, I don't know if they actually had nawes,
[00:53:14] Spoiler's for neon on my Saturn when I first got it.
[00:53:18] Yeah, they fucking were really into break dancing.
[00:53:24] That's as far as like teams go, I think.
[00:53:28] You actually can remember import models,
[00:53:29] like hot Asian girls that sit on top of those like
[00:53:36] I got yelled at guys today at the Burghos door.
[00:53:40] So I went into Lucha Lucha a few blocks away from a next house.
[00:53:44] And yeah, don't tell people what burrito
[00:53:50] where I live based on your stupid restaurant.
[00:53:53] Anyway, I went into the burrito place to get a burrito.
[00:53:56] And there was a woman who's just full tit was out.
[00:54:02] And she had like, she had just huge silver dollar mocha.
[00:54:13] And her, I don't know if it was her husband.
[00:54:16] You were such a much tourist piece of shit.
[00:54:19] A woman's just trying to feed her child.
[00:54:30] I knew this is why you wanted me to bring beautiful nipples.
[00:54:48] But then her friend who's at the register
[00:54:50] and sat back down, got up and was like, yo, can you actually
[00:54:52] stop looking at this beautiful jumbo yum yum that's just
[00:54:56] like sitting out in this restaurant with a baby
[00:54:59] suckling from it in the middle of the restaurant where
[00:55:06] But honestly, you could breastfeed somewhere else.
[00:55:24] What do you mean you're not down with that?
[00:55:28] If there's a kid next to you, I salute.
[00:55:32] I close my eyes and I fucking salute, dude.
[00:55:34] And the way I do that is thank you for your service.
[00:55:38] I just was like maybe looked at it once or twice.
[00:55:41] The way I salute is I just close my eyes and just.
[00:55:45] My girlfriend is a lactation consultant.
[00:55:47] So I'll ask her about it if it's OK to.
[00:55:50] Give her Adam's name so she can put it down in the register.
[00:55:54] I think someone told me to get a band Adam
[00:55:58] Someone said breast milk tastes like fruit loop milk.
[00:56:02] That's if you're sucking a diabetic titty.
[00:56:11] and you taste fruit loops in your mouth,
[00:56:14] I think that's if your piss smells like that.
[00:56:17] That's a petrice thing and it said piss
[00:56:23] that if you wake up with like a breakfast cereal taste
[00:56:29] You either have diabetes or you're on your way there
[00:56:34] Or Tony the tiger fucked your mouth while you were sleeping.
[00:57:01] It was a bit heat in the moment, you know?
[00:57:18] and he fucking trips over an extension cord and tumbles.
[00:57:21] His pants fall down and his ass plugs directly
[00:57:24] on the carl's dick as he's in the shower.
[00:57:45] Now, this is the kind of comedy that people pay for.
[00:57:49] It has to be a premium because we can take a break.
[00:58:21] Aggregate score of 3.5 out of four stars.
[00:58:27] I like the idea that there's two of them.
[00:58:28] You know, sometimes people knock on sequels.
[00:58:34] They say they're bad, but sometimes sequels are good.
[00:58:48] No, but I do what I like to call intuition reviews.
[00:58:57] Like where they just like use their intuition
[00:59:09] Won't be as good as Sandy Kenyon thinks it is.
[00:59:16] Sandy Kenyon, he's never said a movie's bad.
[00:59:22] He's the cab guy that sounds like Adam's ringing.
[00:59:25] Yeah, the other cab guy never trashes a movie either,
[00:59:33] Sandy Kenyon's like, he looks like the fucking Crip Keeper.
[00:59:39] Sandy Kenyon looks like somebody put William H. Macy
[00:59:58] T-minus 2, 1, 0 seconds left to the podcast is over.
[01:00:09] I got to use one of those tied markers on a spot
[01:00:14] Mike, you're the fan's favorite guest, by the way.
[01:00:18] What do you mean you that was the best?
[01:00:20] People DM me and said, Mike's the best.
[01:00:38] It seems like a pretty odd thing to make up.