Cum Town | Premium | 10/02/2017
[00:00:00] All right, let's get this started. We got stops in a rush. He's uh, he found out they opened one of those carveled cinnabons in his neighborhood, but it's only open till seven. So we have to have the podcast done before then. I want one of those big whales. He's gonna wake cakes lose his mind if he doesn't get to the carvel slash cinnabon.
[00:00:21] Dude, they got a whale cake, but it's also the is made out of cinnamon buns. See, I would join you in this joke, but I have never been in a carvel slash cinnabon. It's a real thing. Yeah, they, oh, in case it's cinnabons not enough for you. You can also buy an entire birthday cake. Once you're finished with your fucking disgusting cinnamon. I've got to say I've never been in one, but I've dreamed of being in you just described part of their menu. No, I will. I was really. Without yes, thank you, Adam. I was riffing based on the prior experience.
[00:00:50] Experience on carvel and cinnabon separately. You know, I can kind of put it together. That's what pros do, man. They kind of infer and kind of, you know, figure it out as they go along. Yeah, that sounds more like what liars do myself. My scientists mind doesn't allow me to speak on things. Yeah, Nick does a scientific method whenever you interact something new.
[00:01:12] He creates a hypothesis. Uh huh. Has a control. I'm head of hypothesis. What's up? That's actually my, like my rap name is scientific method. You know, hey, kids, stay in school. If you don't, I'm going to fucking rape you. I'm sorry. I incur. I go to schools and I encourage children to learn. That's hard to do with the consequences of molestation.
[00:01:36] Just that's kind of, let's be honest, none of you are going to join a gang, but you could be molested. And that's the real issue. I'm not going to come here and tell you that I used to be in a gang. Don't be like me because that's not going to happen for you guys. But I might fuck you.
[00:01:53] I see the only thing stopping me is you doing homework.
[00:01:59] That sounds like what Betsy DeVos is doing to these kids. Yeah. Coming in doing an ad, pulling an ad. She's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, what a brochelless. Who's Betsy? That's the bad guy from 401 Dalmatians. Yeah, yeah. Essentially. Yes. Yeah. She's some rich bitch that now that paid Trump. I saw her house. I saw a picture of her house and fucked up. People posted online. They're like, look at this house. And they're like, what a stupid house. And it's like, it's really good.
[00:02:28] You live in that house. It's a fucking nice house. You idiot. It has like 10 different shapes of windows. Who gives a shit? It's a fucking thing. If you have all the money in the world, it's filled with furniture that your friend gave you. Don't. Yeah. But if I had the money, if I had the money, I would have fucking good windows. I was in a nice apartment and it smelled kind of weird.
[00:02:47] I don't know my apartment. You could just say my apartment. It's not nice at all. It's covered in kids. There's a drill with no battery in it. How is that a bad thing? A drill that doesn't have a battery in it? Because it's just charging.
[00:03:04] No, no. I see the battery. It's just a part. That's not a garbage. It's trash. There's a giant difference. Trash is just stuff. Garbage is stuff that's like a fish, but it's not a thing.
[00:03:16] The fish bones and an apple core. Cartoon gun. Yeah. This is not a bean can. Yeah. It's not a place. Oh, wait. There is a bean can out somewhere.
[00:03:26] So next bean can. Yeah. You have been eating a lot of beans. Dude, I'm fucking bean crazy. What do your shit's been like normal? Really?
[00:03:36] I just started eating vegetables again. Like a lot of vegetables recently. My body cannot handle it. Yeah. Well, that's boring. Anyways, beans. Well, people don't know about beans. They have carbs in them. Right? Is that true?
[00:03:48] What do you mean people don't know that? I would assume it's carbs. I would assume it's protein. It's a plant. Well, it's both. Why would you think it was protein? It's a plant.
[00:03:58] Beans have protein. Basically every plant is a carbohydrate. Sure. It's fibrous. I'm with Mike. I wouldn't assume they have carbs. Really? Yes.
[00:04:08] I wouldn't assume that there is as protein centric as they are. Well, I thought it was like a little bonus. Like when you get some whole wheat and you get a little extra protein in there.
[00:04:18] I used to not count that protein. I just wouldn't think about it. That's protein? Just protein and oatmeal. There's protein and everything.
[00:04:25] Damn. Yeah, I guess beans and legumes have protein, right? Yeah. Thank you.
[00:04:33] What the fuck is a legume? It's like peanuts. It's like a fatty plant. Isn't that just a French word for bean?
[00:04:40] I don't know, dude. I don't speak French. I don't respect the French language. I don't say it. I don't use any of those words.
[00:04:47] Why are they so lazy? They don't say the ends of their words.
[00:04:50] Grosol? Who do you mean why are they so lazy? Yeah, like say, croissant. They just are lazy. Finish your words.
[00:04:57] They are. Why are they French? I don't know. I mean, other countries are lazy too.
[00:05:04] Is there a C.S. thing? Greece? Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Greece, Greek are the lazy people.
[00:05:09] As you imagine, why French people are lazy. It's like, why? We're black people so dark.
[00:05:14] What you're saying is that one is a genetic thing. That's what they do. I don't know about it.
[00:05:20] They have good food, right? Black people love being dark. It's like their number one thing.
[00:05:28] They wake up, they say, how am I going to be dark today? It was like a fucking wiki-how article that was how to be dark, but it's like, you know, like, goth.
[00:05:39] And the drawings are great. Oh, yeah. Is it like B-Sarcastic? That's one of the- That's actually fucking really?
[00:05:47] B-Sarcastic, yeah. Push people away. Mike's read this article. Mike's like, I need some- I think I got to this point in my career.
[00:05:57] A lot of wiki-how. Push people away. That's for teens. That's hilarious that that would be a fucking- I was just gonna have to wiki-how for how to get eight-pack abs the other day.
[00:06:06] And step one is like a guy in his doctor's office, and he's talking to his doctor, and it says, talk to your doctor before trying to get eight-pack abs.
[00:06:15] That's the only reason I don't have eight-pack. I can't see the doctor. I mean, that's the reason why we probably shouldn't have universal health care.
[00:06:21] There's people going to the doctor to be like, how do I get eight-pack abs? Well, somebody's like bleeding from a knife wound in their stomach and a lobby.
[00:06:30] Yeah, it sucks. That sounds likely. Legally, they would have the same place in line, those two guys. Yeah, legally.
[00:06:37] So, yeah. Well, you'd go to the emergency room to ask the doctors for eight-pack abs.
[00:06:42] That's the first place to go. I mean, you think that emergency rooms aren't filled with people just wasting their fucking time.
[00:06:48] Oh, of course, yeah, but they're prior times. That happens all the time. Yeah, they're prior times.
[00:06:52] I would go- If you got stabbed versus like if you broke your pinky.
[00:06:56] Hold up though. If you- No, it's people that are like hypochondriacs. Oh, yeah. I told you. I told you when I was working on the ambulance, that Russian lady that we had to pick up like every three days.
[00:07:07] Yeah. She's like, I was in Israel working on this ambulance and she didn't speak any English and we'd have to pick her up every three days.
[00:07:15] There was nothing wrong with her. She'd be like crying.
[00:07:18] That'd be like crying on the ambulance.
[00:07:19] No, I mean, there was no reason for us to be there.
[00:07:28] Yeah, but my friend complimented Adam and he was like, ooh.
[00:07:35] There was really no reason for us to be there. There were like real paramedics. We took like a 50-hour course.
[00:07:40] I mean, my friend who's like this British kid would have to like take her blood pressure and shit.
[00:07:45] Nick, that's disgusting. He just picked up a piece of wax paper and wiped his nose with it.
[00:07:51] Anyway, so yeah, she'd be in the back of the ambulance crying and stuff and then they'd be like,
[00:07:55] just take her blood pressure, like get her to calm down.
[00:07:58] My friend would just like get close to her ear and he'd be like, you're stupid.
[00:08:01] Why don't they take turns to the pressure?
[00:08:05] Will you fucking cut me off right at the end of the story?
[00:08:11] All right, go ahead. Tell the story again.
[00:08:13] What do you say to her? She's a bitch or something?
[00:08:17] No, you say it. Go ahead. Did he whisper in her ear? She's so stupid. She's a dumb bitch.
[00:08:23] She literally told this story on the fucking show already.
[00:08:31] I think he'd repeat stories all the fucking time and I don't fucking cut you off.
[00:08:38] It's deliberate. It wasn't 13 minutes. It was 60 seconds.
[00:08:41] Hey, Adam's defense. And Adam's defense, I got kicked out of my house this week and he offered me his couch.
[00:08:47] And then when I asked him for it, he said no.
[00:08:54] There was just a totally empty gesture.
[00:08:58] I didn't say no. I didn't say anything you need any time.
[00:09:02] Oh, that's great. I could I just come over real quick and make sure actually no, not right now.
[00:09:09] His girlfriend was staying there in his bedroom.
[00:09:12] It's not like she was sleeping on the couch.
[00:09:15] There's no reason for what I think I was going to do.
[00:09:24] I'm going to hear sex for the first time.
[00:09:26] And I'm going to do it at Adam's place.
[00:09:36] I said to Mike, first of all, there's no empty bedroom.
[00:09:42] It's a couch there for Mike to fucking sleep on.
[00:09:45] Even if it isn't a two bedroom apartment.
[00:09:47] It's an apartment with a giant couch and then your own room that has a fucking door on.
[00:09:51] I said, no, it was the night my girlfriend was getting into town.
[00:09:56] And I said, ask Nick, he might have an open couch right now.
[00:10:06] If he doesn't want to ask Nick for favors.
[00:10:11] I said it might be easier to say it next.
[00:10:14] I was waiting up for her to get back from the airport to get to New York from the airport.
[00:10:18] I hope she finds out about this and breaks up with you over it.
[00:10:35] That's something that definitely marks my personality.
[00:10:44] Mike didn't want to say it on the air, but yeah, man.
[00:10:47] I got cancer and I got caught texting another girl.
[00:10:55] I can't give fucking cancer out of my...
[00:10:57] I can't believe I kicked out of fucking PC shit.
[00:11:01] If you had cancer, do you think you would get a pass on very minor indiscretions like that?
[00:11:10] What do you get from just texting a girl?
[00:11:14] You just wanted that miniature thrill of the text from...
[00:11:26] Nick was like, they should write think pieces on how sexting is not cheating.
[00:11:42] Yeah, I ask all my friends, please send me pictures of dead women, dude.
[00:11:59] If you get dead bodies and you turn them into furniture, I don't want to kill people, but
[00:12:10] You know, if they donate, if hobo's donate their bodies to science, but they're too much,
[00:12:15] you know, you can use people love them.
[00:12:22] They should pay it forward and get back with their dead body.
[00:12:25] Let's go kill some drifters and make a fucking armchair out of them.
[00:12:28] Yeah, just go up to like some deranged homeless man, digging through the garbage and you're
[00:12:32] like, oh, you're going to yoga next, you fucking hippie queer.
[00:12:36] And they're like, that guy lives outside.
[00:12:41] He's recording nutritious heroin to eat.
[00:12:44] Okay, take the moral component out of it.
[00:12:46] If we killed every homeless person and made furniture for schools, that's a net positive.
[00:12:53] How about we kill the children and let the homeless people live in the schools?
[00:13:00] That solves the issue of overpopulation.
[00:13:03] The world population went from six billion to seven billion in the last 15 years and that's
[00:13:26] Oh, dude, that's not heard of her talking about, dude.
[00:13:39] I say, sing your frog's not even human.
[00:13:42] How would you even make a dead body into a furniture?
[00:13:54] You're always like shitting off people's dreams out of you.
[00:13:58] We're trying to solve a major problem here.
[00:14:00] How would you even turn a dead body into furniture?
[00:14:04] You're sitting on a leather couch right now.
[00:14:09] Adam looks like dead homeless guy and says, why?
[00:14:25] those two expressions never made any fucking difference to me.
[00:14:28] Like if somebody said this is a half empty glass of water,
[00:14:35] Right, I understand that part, but the words themselves don't like connote any,
[00:14:43] there's no negativity or optimism or pessimism inherent in there.
[00:14:47] There's more of the delicious beverage to enjoy if it's half full.
[00:14:50] And if it's half empty, you're thinking about all the beverage that's gone.
[00:14:54] Therefore, you're more positive with ice cream cake.
[00:15:02] See, if you gave me one of those, I'd say half full.
[00:15:10] If it was like vegetables, I'd say, I'd probably say half full too.
[00:15:20] Who would imagine that would be bad for you?
[00:15:22] You know, it sounds like it goes in a race car.
[00:15:25] Because it's fucking, because fructose, first of all, that sounds healthy.
[00:16:02] Yeah, we call it high fructose corn solution, whatever.
[00:16:14] Remember those aggressive high fructose corn syrup commercials?
[00:16:21] It's weird that, like, yeah, because it's like, I guess through the USDA or whatever farmers
[00:16:29] So there'll be commercials for, like, a type of food.
[00:16:33] And so it's like, got milk was like a huge reaction.
[00:16:37] Yeah, it's like, just the milk and jam.
[00:16:43] They had these, like, egg ones that was the incredible edible egg.
[00:16:47] And they had one that me and my cousin were obsessed with, were at the end.
[00:16:51] It's this old ass man that looks to Cameron and he goes, I love eggs.
[00:17:00] And it's like, you shouldn't love anything that much at that age.
[00:17:09] I feel like you just fucking appreciate things.
[00:17:12] Yeah, they're like, oh, they're like terrible shit.
[00:17:16] You're gonna be a bit like, yeah, because I didn't know about eggs.
[00:17:28] We did kind of come up with it together.
[00:17:36] You know what, I remember to the, when Thomas's the English muffin company started making bagels.
[00:17:42] You know, they had huge ad campaign where people would be like, Thomas's makes bagels?
[00:17:50] And it was so fucking annoying and stupid, but here we are 20 years later.
[00:17:54] And anytime I see Thomas's, I think about Thomas's makes bagels.
[00:18:07] Thomas's, it was a great English muffin company.
[00:18:10] The most dog shit bagels I've ever had in my life.
[00:18:15] They're fucking, it's like stale ass bread.
[00:18:32] Adam, do they have bagels in Las Vegas?
[00:18:58] I don't remember the first time having bagels.
[00:19:00] I remember the first time I had bagels in Las Vegas.
[00:19:03] It was like one of the best days of my life.
[00:19:10] After my parents got divorced, my dad immediately moved in with his girlfriend.
[00:19:26] We would just hang out at Einstein's bagels.
[00:19:29] That is the lowest tier of divorced dad.
[00:19:34] He didn't even think he'd like a fucking...
[00:19:37] He should have gone in George's dad's place.
[00:19:47] When it was seated Einstein's with my divorce guy.
[00:20:00] You had the life of a fucking box car guy.
[00:20:04] There was a children's book a few years ago about a homeless kid and him and his dad lived at the airport.
[00:20:18] Yeah, you could just kind of chill at the airport I feel like.
[00:20:23] People check and see if you were there for like three days in a row.
[00:20:26] How long do you think you'd stay in an airport?
[00:20:28] Like let's say you buy one shitty ticket.
[00:20:31] It was not that Tom Hanks movie tried to say.
[00:20:34] He pretended to be foreign so he could live in the airport.
[00:20:39] I thought he was trapped in the terminal.
[00:20:41] I've never seen it but I assumed he was trapped.
[00:20:43] He was like he couldn't go back to his country or something.
[00:20:45] He was on a plane while like his country dissolved because of like a military coup or something.
[00:20:51] So therefore his passport he had like no passport was for no country or something.
[00:20:55] So in a very, I think it was actually based on a true story.
[00:21:10] I'm sorry Mr. Vijana but we're not going to be able to.
[00:21:20] Mark Johnson but I am a Vijajnia citizen.
[00:21:29] I read the country part as her last name.
[00:21:34] Anyhow, yeah, we can't send you back to Vijajnia.
[00:21:41] I'm thinking about fucking my dad even though he was not divorced.
[00:21:44] I remember when functionally he was like my dad made me do some irresponsible shit.
[00:21:50] Like he would just take me to fucking like open ass work sites like job sites.
[00:22:00] Yeah, nails and fucking one time I fucked up one of his saws because I wanted to make a gun out of wood.
[00:22:05] Yeah, just fucking some dads take their kids to work so the kid can watch them fire someone and your dad took you into watch him get fired.
[00:22:18] No, what I did watch him do was get humiliated by people that had already agreed to do work for him.
[00:22:24] Some guy agreed some guy was like, okay, they had a contract to like install windows with a certain kind of wood.
[00:22:30] And my dad installed 10 fucking huge windows for this guy's fucking restaurant.
[00:22:36] And they went up and the guy didn't like the wood and he was like, I'm not paying you for this.
[00:22:45] And he was like, no, and he was like, he just didn't like the wood.
[00:22:47] Yeah, he just didn't like the way he looked.
[00:22:49] He just doesn't know how to sue somebody.
[00:22:54] He was like, all right, he was like, all right, I'll just make you other windows.
[00:22:59] And I was like, wow, I lost a lot of respect for my father that day.
[00:23:06] Adam, you could tell him how to do that.
[00:23:13] You've had a bunch of mitzvah, haven't you?
[00:23:17] When you win your first lawsuit, that's what a little about mitzvah is.
[00:23:21] That's what that Hebrew is, what they're reading from.
[00:23:28] Had to sue someone and had to like send a suit back.
[00:23:33] Have you sent, are you a food sender backer?
[00:23:39] My sister is like a server, so like, I try to treat them good.
[00:23:44] But that's weird because you treat women like shit.
[00:23:47] I just don't treat women like shit at all.
[00:23:50] Yeah, and your friends going through a tough time with their girlfriend.
[00:23:52] Yeah, your sister didn't have a place to live once, twice, and she moved in with me both
[00:23:59] Well, I guess who you didn't do that for.
[00:24:02] Our dear friend, my husband has who has.
[00:24:04] And if you can't, sir, by the way, Mike didn't want to ask me.
[00:24:28] You put your guy inside and you're like, oh, yeah.
[00:24:54] How many fucking ice cream flavors did you let Jimmy Fallon come up with?
[00:25:10] How about an SNL ice cream that just tastes like complete shit?
[00:25:15] It's just the most poorly written ice cream ever.
[00:25:20] They just hired three new people on SNL because we said no.
[00:25:30] They turned down my, they rejected my sketch of a gay bar called the Pleasure to Ask.
[00:25:36] Where everyone's a parody of a Cheers character.
[00:25:40] Like they're clearly the Cheers characters and people keep coming in and say, you know,
[00:25:46] what you should call this place is queers.
[00:25:48] And then everyone in the bar goes, why?
[00:25:52] And they're like, you know, like Cheers.
[00:25:53] They're like, we don't know what you're talking about.
[00:26:39] You know there's a South Boston, Virginia.
[00:26:42] There's a town that's called South Boston.
[00:26:46] I'm gonna get that in the middle of Virginia.
[00:26:53] no, it's like all those guys, they were like,
[00:26:56] you've said it three times on the podcast already,
[00:26:58] but I said it once on the podcast before.
[00:27:04] departing the kind of guy that's living in Virginia.
[00:27:10] about the one exciting thing that happened
[00:27:25] He saw some Palestinians roaming freely and happily.
[00:27:35] What happened was he went into the store
[00:27:37] and you know, he was buying a couple of blank VHSes
[00:27:52] And he opened his wallet up and the coupon was gone.
[00:28:27] How am I going to record myself having sex with my Palestinian slaves now?
[00:28:42] Check your coupon for really fast fuck that on a show.
[00:29:08] He's looking at a new dad behind the counter.
[00:29:21] Dude, that first five minutes of up, it's like, what the fuck are you even doing?
[00:29:41] I thought that was the resolution is that you find out she can't have a kid and then she's
[00:29:54] I interpreted the beginning of up as a happy story about a feminist that ruins some man's
[00:30:08] And then the cold hand of justice saves her.
[00:30:13] And then there's a Korean boy for the next two hours and that didn't make any sense.
[00:30:26] Old man that we're supposed to be rooting for even though like I'm on the bank side.
[00:30:31] I don't know why you wouldn't think that guy's got a suit and sunglasses.
[00:30:39] That was so funny how the banks like we got your old ass bitch.
[00:30:44] I love all the Disney knock offs of the Pixar movies.
[00:30:48] Where it's like, you know, maybe a toy store.
[00:30:57] Yeah, shark tail literally is that your dreamers always kind of ripped off.
[00:31:11] I'm just like cotton or maybe I just start running.
[00:31:25] I like a damn, I like a nice pain pill.
[00:31:27] Shit fucking said they all just scale up.
[00:31:29] You know, that's like the cool thing about opiates is that there's like, you can get into
[00:31:33] it with Percocet or Vicodin or whatever and you're like, yeah, this is pretty cool.
[00:31:38] And they're like, yeah, well, we make another pill that's even stronger than that.
[00:31:42] And you take it and it just like doubles the experience.
[00:31:45] You work your way all the way up to Oxy.
[00:31:46] And then it's like, you can just do hairline.
[00:31:58] It's like I remember when in law line in high school wearing a bunch of the patches to
[00:32:05] And then he like just threw up and had to go home.
[00:32:10] It was maybe MTV True Life where it was this Chinese girl who's addicted to Fentanyl.
[00:32:24] So she was like, she was afraid of like electric.
[00:32:28] She was like a better call Saul's brother.
[00:32:30] She was like one of those people that thought there was electricity trying to kill her.
[00:32:34] She was like, I'm going to do this with every part of the story.
[00:32:50] Hopefully at some point she eats a lollipop.
[00:32:53] So she said she needed the Fentanyl lollipop.
[00:32:55] She gets some roller skates to defeat the electricity that was trying to kill her.
[00:32:59] What had it get to the part with the roller skates?
[00:33:04] So then they like had an interventionist come in and like me with their parents and they're
[00:33:08] like, yeah, anyway, your daughter thinks about a Chinese girl named Laura lie.
[00:33:15] Chinese reboot of fucking Gilmore Girls, dude.
[00:33:38] And the main event shows that they get into.
[00:33:44] What is the mom and the other is the daughter.
[00:33:46] So the drug the drug specialist is like saying to her parents is like, yeah, your daughter
[00:33:50] is like addicted to these heroin lollipops.
[00:33:53] And she thinks electricity is trying to kill her and they're like, well, you eat food.
[00:33:57] Like electricity is trying to kill her.
[00:33:59] I mean, they're not wrong, but I guess it's like a cultural thing.
[00:34:04] Yeah, because the rain is destroyed their village.
[00:34:10] There's the reason I'm banned from fishing.
[00:34:16] Yeah, they got a Belgian got a great spot.
[00:34:20] I actually watched that movie the other day.
[00:34:23] I put it on the background while I was getting some work.
[00:34:33] Mortal Kombat two might be one of the worst movies ever made.
[00:34:39] Johnny Cage and Raiden's a white guy in that, right?
[00:34:44] Oh, and Veronica Vaughn is Sonya Blade, right?
[00:35:10] From the Marvel show Black Mortal Kombat.
[00:35:13] If we hit 50K Patreon, we should all get Jack's arms.
[00:35:20] And it's like Mortal Kombat, but they only invite POCs.
[00:35:29] In this game space, which one is the best?
[00:35:37] I love that old Chinese guy in Bloodsport when they first show up to the Kubernetes.
[00:35:41] That Chinese guy with the enormous head.
[00:35:54] Yeah, an ogre, ogre I guess, represents like competitive eater, biker, sound fighting.
[00:36:25] Adam's dad was fucked by every celebrity that went to Vegas.
[00:36:30] The reason they called him the amazing Jonathan is because he amazingly fucked Adam.
[00:36:37] He tells Chris that she fucked pen and tell him.
[00:36:54] Then he asked the one who talks, right?
[00:37:02] I was just rewatching season one and when they show that for a brief second his screenplay
[00:37:13] He's completely functionally illiterate.
[00:37:19] Another beautiful moment between those two is when he's thinking about quitting or whatever.
[00:37:33] And he's like, I know, but I don't want to deal with those kind of people.
[00:37:37] They both literally think he could be a model.
[00:38:01] It's great when Christopher kills the dog.
[00:38:03] He's like, he killed the dog and Paulie's like, why was it bogging?
[00:38:20] I think that's the most momentum we've had is we've gone around saying stuff that Christopher
[00:38:37] I was planning on getting a coffee going before we started this one.
[00:38:46] Well, time's going to keep moving regardless of what I say or something.
[00:39:00] What about the other guys in the Steve Miller band?
[00:39:15] I have a bit where he's like thankful for slavery because he gets to live in America
[00:39:25] Steve Harvey has some amazing takes, dude.
[00:39:46] He's talking about gunning down people and everything else.
[00:39:50] And they're like, oh, Lord Steve done shot the baby.
[00:40:15] Pat Gahn's worst kept secret is that Pat Tillman was killed by Steve Harvey in a friendly
[00:40:28] I don't know why, you know, fucking, they were pointing guns at a man in a big eggplant
[00:40:35] I don't think anyone was going to know.
[00:40:55] It's hard for me to do a show in Japan.
[00:40:57] Did you have to wear a coconut bra and sing Happy Birthday, Mr. President?
[00:41:04] No, it was just, it was like the Marine something.
[00:41:09] Yeah, it was good because everyone was like, everyone's like away from home and shit.
[00:41:12] They don't have any access to any fuck.
[00:41:14] They're also not like in an act of hot wars on.
[00:41:20] There was like a couple hot women Marines and if you even talk to them everybody would
[00:41:26] That's the only reason I didn't fuck them because I didn't want to make them jealous.
[00:41:31] You notice I said other Marines because while I'm over there, I became a Marine.
[00:41:38] You basically, you're basically in this shit.
[00:41:44] Anytime I step in the gym, I'm John Cena.
[00:41:50] I do the paperwork to change my name to John Cena every time I step in that gym.
[00:41:54] And that is a credo I've adopted from the men and women of our US armed uniform services.
[00:42:03] And I'm proud to announce that we have captured and compromised to a permanent end.
[00:42:20] Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.
[00:42:30] There's something called juicy bars and I did not go.
[00:42:34] But it's a bar that feels like a real bar, but it's filled with whores.
[00:42:39] I would try to have sex with a robot if I was in Japan, I think.
[00:42:43] I did that and it turns out all people.
[00:42:45] I fucked six robots against their will and what do you know?
[00:42:53] Yeah, because they were all doing boot.
[00:42:54] It's funny that's what most people's knowledge of other countries is.
[00:43:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I did not go to a juicy bar.
[00:43:06] I like kind of the idea of that as a setup where it's like just a bar and it's like
[00:43:10] a simulator where you think you're cool.
[00:43:12] Everyone's like, hey, like every high girl wants to fuck you.
[00:43:17] I would almost prefer that than the actual sex.
[00:43:21] Just go out there, feel like a pretty, pretty bell of the ball.
[00:43:28] They have bars that are just normal bars, but every woman in there is a whore basically
[00:43:38] You pay for it if you want to fuck them.
[00:43:41] I think or maybe I think how it works is you buy them expensive ass drinks.
[00:43:48] And before I was ambivalent towards the fate of the Koreans on the Korean Peninsula.
[00:43:53] But now I know about these whore bars, we have to save these people.
[00:44:00] We can't let them go the way of Puerto Chico.
[00:44:05] I'm fucking, I love that article so much.
[00:44:10] Neighborhood made famous by Despacito destroyed by Hurricane Maria.
[00:44:14] That's got to be the funniest article I've seen in the last six months.
[00:44:26] I saw one that was like a Despacito singer, Daddy Yankee, pleads for support for it.
[00:44:36] And it's like, yeah, Solina didn't even ask.
[00:44:43] He might ask, what's like a penis pussy?
[00:44:53] I think I'm going to get into music other than the Rolling Stones.
[00:44:59] What I love to do is I take half of Iagra and I get non-offensive chubby.
[00:45:12] I listen to the Stones anthology I bought at Tower Records for myself for my 49th birthday.
[00:45:23] And it wasn't until Hamilton that I became not afraid of ethnic music.
[00:45:30] The only other exposure was that Neil Simon, Lady Smith, Blackmum, Bazzo, collaboration.
[00:45:40] Other than that, just the Rolling Stones.
[00:45:43] I relisten to Hamilton this weekend and it's amazing.
[00:45:51] I was never thinking like, I feel bad for anyone who doesn't enjoy this.
[00:46:05] You're not just saying that because Netflix is it?
[00:46:10] But then it's just like, it feels like a fucking history teacher trying to be cool.
[00:46:17] Because it's not a history teacher trying to be cool.
[00:46:19] It's a thing for history teachers that try to be cool.
[00:46:34] You saw that Hillary interview where they were like asking her about, she's like, well,
[00:46:40] you know, I can speak to Wall Street, but you know, Obama did the same thing and no one
[00:46:46] And they were like, well, actually he got a lot of blowback for that.
[00:46:49] And then there was like a pause apparently.
[00:46:51] And then she's like, well, when you see the play Hamilton, yeah, like her pivot was going
[00:47:01] She was all over the place for like a week.
[00:47:03] Her book probably did really fucking good.
[00:47:08] They took a little shot at her on South Park.
[00:47:13] They're like singing a song, people are like pledging to like put their phones down and
[00:47:16] stop caring about North Korea and Hillary, they cut the Hillary.
[00:47:24] Oh, you think her book did numbers real quick and then she's back?
[00:47:27] I think her book probably did numbers and she like made money.
[00:47:32] I was like, she's not giving that money to anyone.
[00:47:36] She's going to be fucking hilarious if Hillary Clinton started a Patreon.
[00:47:46] Hillary Clinton here, not even looking at the camera.
[00:47:55] Hillary Clinton here, it's Hilldog from the Hizzood here for a special plea for $35 a
[00:48:05] You will get one shout out to my boys and my players.
[00:48:17] I think he had one or two of the people that was boring.
[00:48:23] Well, I think he's got those already, right?
[00:48:29] I actually didn't want to take that, Bernie.
[00:48:33] If you were over age 65, they were like, we're not going to bother with you.
[00:48:39] Yeah, they were notoriously cool to old Jews.
[00:48:42] I don't want to listen to him complain on the train all the time.
[00:48:51] There's like a cool retirement committee at the Holocaust.
[00:48:55] The old ones are going to steal all the napkins in the concentration cabinet.
[00:49:11] I love just hanging with my damn boys, dude.
[00:49:24] No, I paid for it, but I got to go pick it up.
[00:49:36] Yeah, I'm leveraging the bicycle against a car.
[00:49:39] You're going to get a tricycle on top of it?
[00:49:42] There's this mansion in Easton, Pennsylvania that I look at all the time and the price
[00:49:45] keeps dropping because I'm like house flipper from Florida bought it.
[00:49:57] Yeah, but I figure if I'm, and I feel like I'm going to be in another commercial soon.
[00:50:02] And you know, residuals for that one, which definitely won't be ruined.
[00:50:06] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ford me that mansion that I've been trying to all I want is just
[00:50:14] Is that too much as to just have a mansion only accessible by helicopter that's filled
[00:50:21] When it's not, I would import the piss jars.
[00:50:25] I'm not so kind of weirdo that pisses in a jar.
[00:50:27] You just like the aesthetic look, right?
[00:50:33] Polynesian urine used to be used as toothpaste.
[00:50:37] Yeah, the Greeks would buy Polynesian urine and gargle with it.
[00:50:41] Yeah, they have, they have little kidneys, the Polynesians.
[00:50:45] So a fucking refines the piss even more.
[00:51:04] I think for once Adam is not saying something stupid.
[00:51:08] Lindy West's article that she like, she fatly went to go see Moana.
[00:51:13] Then she like comes home from the movie theater and I guess good for her.
[00:51:16] She had a good time at the movies but she wrote this like dipshit article.
[00:51:20] It was like, this is the movie we need to stop Trump.
[00:51:32] Some viewing everything in the context of like, how does this relate to me being morbidly
[00:51:39] What does it mean to be an extremely fat person in Trump's America?
[00:52:06] The stool and she goes, is this low carb?
[00:52:30] I feel like we need more characters on the show.
[00:52:33] I wish there was a way to actually think about things before we do them.
[00:52:41] Well, Mike has that one character he's been doing.
[00:52:52] I thought we were going to make our guests fucking.
[00:52:57] He turns out you were the one with a character, bitch.
[00:53:06] If you ever try to humiliate me like that again, we're going to have a fucking problem.
[00:53:26] So it's a Chinese gay woman in a laundry.
[00:53:37] You know, I doubted you and I was trying to do a show.
[00:53:42] I'm a Chinese woman and I'm a fucking gay man too.
[00:54:03] Because it makes it seem like it's from the future.
[00:54:04] But really, it's back to the good old days of mad TV when every sketch was just, you
[00:54:20] Or at least having a coffee before the show.
[00:54:31] I had fun doing that bit about him running into a guy named Carlos.
[00:54:40] They did stand up, by the way, listeners.
[00:54:42] So I know if any of you have been in a funny mom's last couple of months, he's refused.
[00:54:57] U.S. challenged by rising North Korea tensions.
[00:55:04] North Korea, building's about to collapse.
[00:55:06] Oh, Jared accidentally put himself down as a woman in his voter registration.
[00:55:17] I was saying I want to get back on Twitter.
[00:55:19] It's the same account that I have now as soon as they do the 280 character limit.
[00:55:24] And then you tweet the N word in lowercase up to 140 characters.
[00:55:27] Then when you hit 140, you switch to capital letters for the additional 140 characters
[00:55:37] Yeah, I figure that's about what Twitter deserves for me.
[00:55:43] Would you delete a tweet to be able to tweet that?
[00:55:46] I have no interest in using that fucking service, even unlike the parody accounts I have fun
[00:55:54] I mean, I understand the Twitter is in like a shitty position where they have to worry
[00:55:58] about people's safety because it's like this huge service that relies on investors and
[00:56:02] they don't want to be seen as like a harbor for harassment or whatever.
[00:56:07] But like, it's just too easy to silence people you don't like by reporting shit.
[00:56:14] And like fuck, I don't care about that.
[00:56:16] Whatever that company's fucking bottom line is and however they're protecting their interests
[00:56:21] by shutting down whoever or whatever, like I don't fucking know.
[00:56:27] Andrew called that guy from Fox News ugly and he got banned.
[00:56:34] But that's the kind of shit is like, you know, like, well, we have to be fair.
[00:56:37] We have to ban everybody, you know, people drop in bombs and shit.
[00:56:40] Yeah, you can call some in the N word and not get it.
[00:56:43] You call that fucking little fat cabbage patch, dull, ugly.
[00:56:47] The little mommy's mommy's looking boy.
[00:56:50] It's also that whole it's like just a culture of tattle taleism.
[00:56:56] It's like, I mean, most social media is that it's a way for people to tattle on each other
[00:57:02] and get them in trouble, which is what most people really want is they want to be not
[00:57:07] I used to think that it's like all these people they they want some kind of authority to exploit,
[00:57:14] Yeah, they want to have quick teachers.
[00:57:16] How quickly when something goes viral, like some hot cop or something, they'll find like
[00:57:21] within like 14 days, they'll find racist.
[00:57:25] Every time I leave three years ago, because he bludgeoned a black toddler to death.
[00:57:37] There were a couple guys that couple hot cops that said, uh, saw about.
[00:57:43] Oh, what did they say about the Holocaust?
[00:57:47] He said something about how like he loves Jewish jokes.
[00:57:55] Uh, no, I mean, he was pretty anti-Semitic.
[00:57:57] It was pretty weird because it was from a while ago, right?
[00:57:59] So you would you have to be actively looking for that kind of speech.
[00:58:03] Everyone always goes through whenever something viral happens.
[00:58:10] You know, Mark Cuban was like, yeah, I would never post anything online.
[00:58:14] He said something to that effect and everybody tells you that, you know, like, like employment
[00:58:18] services now, like make sure all your shit's private.
[00:58:22] But it's like people aren't going to do that.
[00:58:25] People are going to post everything online.
[00:58:28] And certain point you're going to have to give up this idea that like there's a separation
[00:58:33] between private utterances and things set in passing and this online record where you
[00:58:39] can go back and act like that's a fucking press release from this person.
[00:58:44] I mean, it's like, just stop, you know, coming with your fucking pitchforks.
[00:58:51] Not like, you know, oh, well, just watch what you say.
[00:58:57] Start judging people's worth at their job based on like how qualified are they to make
[00:59:03] Did you imagine if Twitter was around when we were 11, we'd be done.
[00:59:06] Dude, any of that shit, it would be humiliating.
[00:59:13] I used to go on Kazan just download like racist songs.
[00:59:21] Eight minute download like like Johnny Rebel.
[00:59:29] I would play it on my Dell computer speakers that I begged my parents for.
[00:59:34] But you know what I was thinking today, like if people went to my high school, they would
[00:59:45] Well, either you were a shark or you were a jet.
[00:59:49] You were either Italian or Puerto Rican.
[00:59:55] No, it was like black, black kids, Latino kids and then like white trash.
[01:00:01] But it was like Italian or including in white trash.
[01:00:04] No, no, it's a different type of white trash.
[01:00:11] But I would come home from school and be like, oh, these, these, these black kids are shittier
[01:00:16] than my parents would be like, yeah, and you know what else they do.
[01:00:21] I used to be, I want to show you some on Kazaa.
[01:00:24] It's a record of Donald Duck saying the end word.
[01:00:32] My dad's like, I want to show you my plate.
[01:00:33] He's got like one Nazi plate like an American beauty.
[01:00:36] I was just trying to show my girlfriend your Nazi plate.
[01:00:43] I just broke off that movie to which one to the tits or birch.
[01:00:49] Do a stupid pairs of tits in that movie?
[01:01:11] I'm trying to bring A-list talent to listen to this show.
[01:01:13] Now if I see her again, I'm like, is she offended in the last episode?
[01:01:19] There's no way she'll ever listen to it.
[01:01:21] She probably didn't think there was actually a podcast called Downtown.
[01:01:34] She sent me some really inexcusable photographs.
[01:01:43] There's a bunch of really thin guys lined up and they were naked and it was in black
[01:01:49] A bunch of prison clothes on the ground.
[01:01:51] And I was like, why can't I be that thin?
[01:02:09] You think that there were any Jewish parents that thought they were sending their kids
[01:02:14] And then it's like, I would love Auschwitz and everything.
[01:02:20] But then there's that fat Puerto Rican kid from Heavyweights that shows everyone to hide
[01:02:48] And then Ben Stiller found him and expelled him for that good fucking movie.
[01:02:51] But see, they'll never make a movie like that because people today don't have any edge
[01:02:56] Yeah, it would have to be a camp for like, you know, black women.
[01:03:04] They go there to become all head writers on each other's show.
[01:03:15] I know you're worried about Ruffling Feathers.
[01:03:17] Which is the name of my show where I pretend to be a black woman to get a writing job.
[01:03:29] But the truth is, that fire is a modern Mrs. Dowager.
[01:03:35] Clear black face and in drag, cheap wig.
[01:03:39] And then I still have a British accent.
[01:03:50] Don't you guys think it's funny that Leslie Jones got hired on SNL originally as a writer?
[01:04:04] I was going to say, you know, the jokes are pretty bad, but I love this capsule.
[01:04:13] She just does the meme font and everything.
[01:04:16] It's a picture of her yelling over the meme font.
[01:04:19] Yeah, her writing packet is just a vine of her slapping someone in the face at a drive-through.
[01:04:34] But, you know, if you got an opportunity to talk shit for no reason on principle, you
[01:04:42] If you want to be a principled man, hot off the heels of a nice blackface bit.
[01:04:57] I'm going to bring that gay Chinese woman in the laundromat character.
[01:05:01] I'm looking at this article about fucking Mark Zuckerberg right now.
[01:05:05] Is there any stuff we're talking to the other night about how, like, you know, you get
[01:05:10] fucking like worried about the quality or your work or whatever?
[01:05:14] But then, like, whatever part of yourself is like, no, I'm doing the right thing or,
[01:05:21] But it's so funny to think about like Mark Zuckerberg also has that night.
[01:05:24] He's like, people think I'm cool, right?
[01:05:27] You know, like people think like that's a cool guy.
[01:05:31] He made like a cool web series T-shirts.
[01:05:34] There's certainly no way that the majority opinion isn't that I'm a dork that I'm a
[01:05:40] Shithead piece of shit that created an electronic prison for everyone to live in that made Donald
[01:05:55] He's got to be a billionaire and he can't find a shirt to wear that doesn't make him
[01:06:01] Dude, he has the fucking chest of a Tommy Bahama mannequin.
[01:06:07] They make fucking, they make their mannequins for like 60 year old men who just have like
[01:06:14] Right, he looks like an M to F that's in the like first two weeks of estrogen.
[01:06:28] It's crazy that they do that because Tommy Bahama guys are all fat as shit.
[01:06:33] You know, I'm going to become a time Bahama old man for sure.
[01:06:38] You know, when I was in college, I had a little extra money.
[01:06:39] I started buying clothes and I tried on a Tommy Bahama shirt and I was like, this isn't
[01:06:48] I mean, I would wear that shit if I had a fucking boat.
[01:06:52] I would wear that shit if I had a boat.
[01:06:59] In the summer, go out in the water drink beer.
[01:07:08] You can't fall off the wagon because you just float, baby.
[01:07:18] Stop and enjoy the carvel slash cinnabon.
[01:07:24] Are you coming to my house to get pants?