Cum Town | Premium | 11/20/2017
[00:00:00] No, it's like the 13th. Oh, I need no no. I mean this goes up. Oh, yeah damn
[00:00:06] Something like that. Yeah, it's November. Today's the 14th the 22nd. I'm gonna say the 22nd. All right
[00:00:12] No, I don't know. I don't know taste to I thought today was Sunday today's Tuesday. It's the 14th. So Sunday it goes up the 19th
[00:00:24] It is a breathing giving episode and our nation is a war. I guess that's the next yeah with North Korea happy Hanukkah happy Hanukkah
[00:00:31] How are you out there the eight-year-olds of Hanukkah?
[00:00:41] One-year-old in the first night. Oh shit, you know
[00:00:45] Oh nice stuff. We got let's introduce our guests. We got Tim Dylan here today. Thanks for coming
[00:00:55] I was gonna come on in color. I was gonna come on and just talk about like
[00:01:00] At him, but then like this week's been a very tough week
[00:01:09] That's true. That's a great point. You are a straight white devil
[00:01:12] On your knees. I am a Yakuobian. Yeah, you're drug and rape Adam
[00:01:16] I'll come to your defense and I appreciate it when your your public apology can say Nick said it was okay
[00:01:22] Yeah, I appreciate both of you as character makes absolutely for sure. Yeah, and that means we do characters
[00:01:28] Yeah, yeah, you see be rape trial of Aaron Glade's not even saw how she was addressed
[00:01:43] I would if that I would and I don't go to UCB a lot, but if they had a rape trial of Aaron Glaser
[00:01:49] Sitting in the front row like like just donating money like how can I support this?
[00:01:57] You know, I don't drink when I buy beers the entire yeah, we just keep going to prom shows a rape trial
[00:02:06] Aaron Glase's rape trial. It's a play called called 12 low-team man
[00:02:12] 12 12 men incapable of getting angry. Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys at UCB outing themselves as rapists and then describing what they did
[00:02:19] It's not right. Yeah, like I called it back for the third time like sit down
[00:02:24] You did not do anything. I get what you're trying to do here. Like I'm really not I'm not
[00:02:38] I love that was my favorite thing on Facebook with the dudes that were like and some of them were legit
[00:02:42] Which is great, but then some of the people were just the things they were saying they're like I too have I treated people
[00:02:47] Poor I have all the woman's and that's what we're talking about
[00:02:49] Yeah, I was treated people poorly. I wanted to write a thing. That's like, you know, we're all guilty in this, you know
[00:02:56] Several years ago. Yeah, I kidnapped an eight-year-old girl with Down syndrome and I
[00:03:09] I blame that kidnapping on a system of oppression
[00:03:12] Gave me the idea that that was okay to do
[00:03:16] I melted a bunch of Jolly Ranchers and dip my penis in it and inserted it into that poor girl's mouth
[00:03:26] And as I described that to my male friends they laughed and patted me on the back and that is a type of
[00:03:34] A boys club. I guess my point is is that we need more trans women on television. Yes
[00:03:42] We need more trans women in the least relevant medium
[00:03:44] Journalists. Yeah. Yeah, that's the whole idea too is it's like the whole diversity. I think it's like
[00:03:50] Let how about more trans doctors like right?
[00:03:53] The idea that any minority gets status from being a clown
[00:03:57] Right, right, right, right. You know like just when you go to New York Comedy Festival party
[00:04:00] It's like a sad thing and it's just desperation and it just just a bunch of losers
[00:04:05] You shrimp and it's like oh, you don't want that for anyone like you don't want
[00:04:10] That's not how like people are gonna make my favorite version of the we need more
[00:04:14] Representation thing. I remember I was reading an article on Jezebel one time and there was some comment there that was like
[00:04:19] Very highly upvoted that was like, you know, what's fucked up is that uh, they're talking about like women and stem
[00:04:25] And they're like, you know, I always thought it would have been great if I could have been a mechanic
[00:04:29] I love working with my hands, but they pushed girls out of those kind of environments
[00:04:33] And now I'm you know, I'm a lab technician, which is kind of similar to that
[00:04:36] But I can't it's like you don't know what being a mechanic is. It is one of the worst fucking jobs
[00:04:42] You have a much you have a much better job
[00:04:45] It's for it's for mexican men that like die of scoliosis
[00:04:50] I always wanted to be a grease monkey, but now I'm here working for Pfizer like a loser
[00:04:55] No, what you wanted was like this fucking cool blue collar idea. You have of yourself
[00:05:00] Yeah, and then not actually have to do any of the fucking work
[00:05:03] Yeah, they've just imagined themselves like wiping grease off their right exact forehead with a rag
[00:05:09] You wanted to hold a giant wrench on a calendar
[00:05:13] You just wanted overalls. Yeah, literally all you wanted was overalls and boots
[00:05:20] That's a nice look. Yeah, you saw a little kid when I was an actor
[00:05:23] They would dress me up in overalls and like a flannel shirt. Just in case any of those directors wanted to fuck a farm boy
[00:05:30] Want to have private time in the barn with me you didn't get molested by anyone
[00:05:34] I didn't get and that was my sexual prime when I was 10. Yeah, you were high
[00:05:37] I was like seven. Yeah, seven eight nine. It was like that little blonde bulldog right now
[00:05:45] Yeah, because my parents didn't know what to do like they were just white trash long island like they didn't know how to put that
[00:05:50] How to shop that little boy pussy didn't pimp this ass
[00:05:53] They didn't put you on the stroll the way they showed up
[00:05:55] No, they didn't put me on the street. You could have fucked gary goddard
[00:05:58] I could have been riding fucking brian singer
[00:06:02] All the way and I would have back kenks. I wasn't as heavy as I am now like I would have
[00:06:06] You had the news. I was in dance too. I was in dance. I was a boogie
[00:06:10] What a bugle boy the things I would have been able to do to these no one tried to fuck you never as a kid
[00:06:16] No, I had so one dude. So I was in a community community theater production of snow whiten seven dwarfs beautiful
[00:06:22] I was happy the dwarf and the director said to me
[00:06:24] I had to be like I was like maybe nine or ten and the director came up to me
[00:06:28] And he like held my hand. He's like listen. I just want to let you know
[00:06:32] I'm a really good person to talk about girls with oh
[00:06:37] Have anything to talk about if you ever want to talk about it with your family
[00:06:42] So I knew immediately I was like oh this loser
[00:06:46] He's not insane. Yeah, yeah, he's trying to fuck me
[00:06:49] He was a beta if he was an alpha you would have ended up if he was an alpha if you just grabbed me
[00:06:53] Kiss me was like get this do this. I would have fucked
[00:06:59] I was very sexually active as a kid like it was an indian kid in south pacific with me
[00:07:03] And we used to play this game in the bathroom where we would go top this and you would just show different parts of our asses
[00:07:09] But just like top this is somebody taking shirt off me like top this you'd show somebody like
[00:07:13] Mcarran you so I was like I was really looking yeah
[00:07:18] So any of these directors if you had the littlest bit of game
[00:07:21] I would have been choking it down like a champ
[00:07:23] Yeah, I was right amateurs. Yeah, there's nothing worse than a pedophile. There's like a full-blown courage
[00:07:45] Can you come over so my friend can fuck you
[00:07:47] It's like no, no either you fuck me or we're not doing this
[00:07:54] Yeah, so the reason we had Tim on is because Tim is an expert on like conspiracy theories specifically some of the uh
[00:08:01] You've like you've I interviewed the guy that wrote like my career's over
[00:08:10] It doesn't matter all of our careers are over. Yes, because we're getting too close to the truth. Yes
[00:08:14] There was a CIA plant at the show last night asking real questions. Yeah, there was yeah
[00:08:20] I think I look around. I think everybody's a fucking plant. Everybody's a plant. Everybody's doing something. Yeah, yeah
[00:08:26] I did I did a lot of you interviewed uh the camp right the guy from uh the camp died
[00:08:30] I interviewed a guy named nick brian who wrote a book called the franklin scandal about a pedophile
[00:08:35] A child sex trafficking ring out of omahana braska in the in the 80s and and
[00:08:39] You know probably before that too, but it came to light in the in the 80s
[00:08:44] Um and uh and it was because I saw a documentary on netflix called who took johnny, which is like a really scary
[00:08:50] Yeah, you know real world type. It's like the real stranger like people watch stranger things
[00:08:55] Isn't that entertaining? It's like it's not if you know about like stranger things by the way
[00:09:00] You need any more evidence that there's a fucking pedophile ring in hollywood
[00:09:03] Right explain why suddenly a toothless boy is the biggest child star
[00:09:11] I said I was dating fin wolford as a joke
[00:09:19] I didn't got angry with me. They're like that's not fun to joke about
[00:09:23] Yeah, especially when it turns out his agent was raping. Yeah
[00:09:27] That's the problem now you make a joke and then like a week later everything you've joked about is fat
[00:09:32] Yeah, well, I don't well you know who I think about too because you think about who got raped the worst
[00:09:37] Yeah, and your mind immediately goes to kori feldman
[00:09:39] But he's at least able to talk about it. Yeah, really got it short round. Yeah
[00:09:45] You know short room short from indiana jones
[00:09:49] I think he was also data from the goonies. Oh, okay
[00:09:54] He just never had a real name. That's how much they fucked him is that he was so fucking inhuman
[00:09:58] Yeah, no, I mean the 80s were very like a Asia phobia or whatever
[00:10:04] They were like really every 80s movie was really racist to Asian people. Yeah in 90s too
[00:10:10] So it wasn't a great time for Asians being represented or for kids in hollywood that just didn't want to get fucked
[00:10:21] But no you start looking into this stuff and you start you start actually realizing that
[00:10:26] A lot of it is true and a lot of it makes sense because if you're a wealthy guy
[00:10:31] And you are a pedophile you're not gonna pull a kid off the street of course like there's got to be some system quality control
[00:10:37] There's got to be some quality institution. Yeah, and you start looking into this and you're like oh, this is probably more right than wrong
[00:10:47] And then and then you're also like a lot of people that looked into that particular thing to franklin scandal died
[00:10:52] They were damn kill, you know the private investigator who went and got pictures of these kids because it's a lot of this a blackmail operation
[00:11:00] It was a guy named larry king was like one of the rising stars in a republican party
[00:11:04] He's saying the national anthem at the 19 at war. He's like the friends with morin reagan
[00:11:09] He was a black republican a prominent guy
[00:11:12] And he didn't bezeled 40 million dollars from the frankly credit union on mahanabraska
[00:11:16] So when the breska legislature was like looking into that people were going to them and going no no no no
[00:11:21] The real story is that he's also running an interstate pedophile
[00:11:25] Fuck and they're like really and they started looking into that and he was plundering boys from boystown, which was that big
[00:11:30] It's the orphanage the podcast is very successful. Yeah, but this is
[00:11:35] But like they plunder kids from these really it's really vulnerable kids and orphanages and it's horrible
[00:11:42] Holy shit, so then they hired a imagine being an orphan and getting fuck. It's rough
[00:11:46] It's that can I just play some place they get without parents
[00:11:49] Right i have to get my fucking whole stuff private investigator this guy gary caradori who was like
[00:11:54] You know tapped he was really good investigator
[00:11:56] He went and supposedly got these photos and there's five different
[00:12:00] People that confirmed he did receive these black belt photos because it's like a black melon
[00:12:04] But like cia or whoever's like you fuck a kid. We have a photo of that
[00:12:07] We have a video that we own you forever right you can never oh you're against the what
[00:12:12] You don't like the Dakota access pipeline like take a look at it
[00:12:16] Things were black melons. That's weird to me because I feel like if let's just say I had fuck the kid
[00:12:22] Yeah, whatever reason. Yeah, cia is this black mailing me. Yeah, I feel I mean
[00:12:26] I don't know because I like I I'm not in that position, but I would be like all right everybody look
[00:12:36] I love the kid being black male by the cia is worse fucking insane
[00:12:40] But that's amazing like a guy who goes out there. He's like listen. Okay, i'm gonna let you
[00:12:48] Have been fucking kid, but this health care plan is not fair
[00:12:51] This is not fair and I will not vote for it. I don't care what they have
[00:12:55] But no this guy gary caradore was was flying back with his son who was eight years old
[00:13:00] From getting these pictures his plane mysteriously broke up in the middle of the so it's weird the whole plane
[00:13:06] The whole plane it was a you know, you think they took out everyone for caradore
[00:13:09] No, it's him and his son. It was like a private
[00:13:11] No, yeah, they'll take people out because this is the type of shit that like this can't get out
[00:13:16] This isn't like infidelity. This isn't like
[00:13:20] You know what I mean? This is like this is like some medieval like witchcraft type. It's bad stuff, man
[00:13:25] It's no good. It's no good and there's kids don't have a lobby like kids don't have a group
[00:13:30] There's no Jezebel for children. It's like what about these kids?
[00:13:39] Gattets on the other yeah, highly acting is gay. Yeah, here's this map where you can trace the kids to their escape
[00:13:55] And they cut me on this whole thing because he we wrote an Instagram the other day that like
[00:13:58] Because I was born in the political realm of this but you look at it in the entertainment world and that's that's probably i'm
[00:14:03] It's happening there too. The entertainment world is worse at covering it up than the government is
[00:14:08] Oh, yeah, absolutely the government if it is a government pedophile happening
[00:14:14] I mean, it's like not as it's not like you know, like bill clinton has one need a broader
[00:14:19] Right brian singer has like nine different
[00:14:23] We need a broader ex-it we're all 12 at that time
[00:14:26] Right, well, there's also some overlap because that billionaire pedophile jeffrey abstein had that island
[00:14:33] Kevin space was on his plane even when he brought a
[00:14:35] I mean there was a $70 million federal investigation into wanita broaderich
[00:14:40] So and and and which came out with what nothing yeah inconclusive or that it that which is what a lot of rape cases
[00:14:47] I mean in fairness to her. Yeah, but I mean ken star was like try he wanted that to be real
[00:14:53] Right, you know, I mean it it covers all these other things
[00:14:56] Yeah, like you know like sexual harassment or whatever like why why go that far?
[00:15:00] Yeah to tarnish the reputation of the president and then cover that part up sure. Yeah. Yeah, so
[00:15:07] I don't know. I mean this is hollywood. I think is more flagrant. I think the government
[00:15:11] There are people in the government, you know, denny haster got away with it for years people get away with it, you know
[00:15:16] Right, then denny haster is like what he got caught for was putting hush money to a guy that he molested way back in the seven
[00:15:22] Correct. Yeah, he made out something like three million dollars
[00:15:25] Now yeah in terms of the time period between the 1970s and when he was exposed in 2012. Yeah, it's like is there
[00:15:34] Is there evidence that he was molesting more people or was that something he was doing in his younger days?
[00:15:38] So well, I would imagine I would imagine I don't think that I feel like something you grow out of you know
[00:15:42] I feel like it's not something where you're like in the 70s. We all had a couple of
[00:15:47] Now i'm in a parkour. I think it's yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it is a disease that and and listen
[00:15:52] There was a guy I used to be pretty into thick women. Yeah, and yeah, you're yeah, maybe you get into fat kids
[00:15:59] You maybe that's it, you know, it's like
[00:16:01] Haster, you know his knees weren't the same as I was gonna say I'm not anymore, but that's not true. Yeah, I select those thickies
[00:16:07] Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't I don't know
[00:16:09] But I do think it's one of those things that it does seem to be a lifelong problem
[00:16:18] Yeah, my other point with with hasterd is like hasterd is
[00:16:23] Just a just I mean because yeah there has to be a dissenting voice
[00:16:27] If we're having a conversation, I agree with you about about like whether or not a global pedophile. Yeah, absolutely
[00:16:32] To play devil's advocate. I think it is real. Yes
[00:16:37] It said like it was like a single incident. Just in my manager call me going. Why weren't you the devil's advocate?
[00:16:45] Like with Epstein Epstein like the charges brought against him versus the overwhelming evidence and the amount of like documentation of him like
[00:16:54] Repeatedly raping underage girls. Yeah, hundreds of times and sentences
[00:16:59] And then being sentenced to 18 months for solicitation and one of the one of the count of like lewd solicit
[00:17:07] Things in the agreement was that he would not have to name any co-conspirators and the guy and the guy
[00:17:12] Is and the guy that structured that whole Epstein agreement now is like a federal judge
[00:17:18] Shit, right? Yeah, yeah, the lawyer you're saying the guy who I forget
[00:17:24] I think it was either the judge that signed off on it or the attorney Nick Bryant the guy wrote the franklin scandal was the one who
[00:17:30] Was telling me about that they were like
[00:17:33] Because you look at what happens to all these people who
[00:17:36] Kind of just you know stay quiet. Right. They are promoted
[00:17:41] Yeah, it's just the same thing those those people in 9-11 who like you know
[00:17:44] All these fucking you know an allixtation the bin Laden unit like all these people who like screwed up intelligence like
[00:17:49] They just shut up and they were promoted. I mean, that's kind of the way the government wants to just shut up
[00:17:52] You get promoted don't die on anybody and they're looking for it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's why black women just never can advance
[00:18:10] Yeah, yeah, it's like you're done. We're done here
[00:18:15] Fuck I needed to hit the couch. Well, that's why the government the reason everybody in the federal government gets away with fucking kids
[00:18:20] In every position is because in every office they only fuck
[00:18:24] Kids for the first 10 to 15 minutes when the day starts and right so none of the black women are there to witness it
[00:18:33] Otherwise, yeah charlene is doing at about 10 26
[00:18:40] Yeah, she's gonna come in and yell about Starbucks for three minutes
[00:18:44] She won't even notice the kids I told her that is not a kulata. I got a kulata every day a kuluda kulata is not read
[00:18:54] Oh fuck to you. Um, yeah, they love don't condone us. That's the thing. It's good
[00:18:59] It was that's on our instagram like is spielberg. What do you think would happen if it like came out that spielberg was like the guy
[00:19:06] Well, then I think that the puppet man like that's all of our child right right right to stroll
[00:19:12] I think that brings the whole holocaust into question right shindlers list. Yes
[00:19:17] Exactly if you can impeach his credibility from being the head of a child sex rate and they will
[00:19:23] There will be think pieces like let's let's take a look at shindlers
[00:19:28] Really though spielberg was never good if that did come out there would probably be a civil fucking war
[00:19:33] I mean the kind of like shock is it a e-tea?
[00:19:36] No because of like every bit of civil war we're such a lazy country
[00:19:40] Yeah, but it would be shocking that would call it the kind of social unrest that would be bad
[00:19:45] It would create like widespread cultural schizophrenia people would lose their fucking mind
[00:19:49] It would be really crazy. It is almost something where if he is I'm even like cover it
[00:19:55] Kill him. Kill him secretly. Yeah, don't let this act well. That's something
[00:20:00] You know like the the interlocking triangle that the triangle pedophile logo for nambula that was on
[00:20:07] Yeah, that was on the best of pizza. Yeah, you know sign or whatever
[00:20:10] Which it could be a coincidence, right?
[00:20:12] Which is like very funny for the people who own that business if it is yeah
[00:20:17] Um, but uh, it's also on the los angeles county sheriff's department badge
[00:20:22] Awesome, then you start going like why?
[00:20:24] As a guy that thinks these things are real. I'm like why do well if it's like why even
[00:20:28] Application is that it's on the badge because the la county sheriff's department is an organization that since the 1930s has been systematically raping children
[00:20:35] Yeah, then it's like well. I can't do anything
[00:20:41] You get some cops like you make your own private cop force
[00:20:44] Comforters gonna well, I mean there's injustices all over the fucking world if that gets all over the world and in developing countries
[00:20:51] And you know when you go to places like Thailand the sex trade the child sex trade is fucking
[00:20:58] It's good. It's a bargain. It is good compared to america
[00:21:01] You get one of the money for you for spitting so it's like that seems like
[00:21:06] Just as bad. I think right, you know, right
[00:21:11] On that kid's dick killing a killing people is what they I don't think they killed people for spitting
[00:21:16] I think they can you yeah, I get a lashing you get a lashing I had a there was
[00:21:20] Would that be great if in Thailand like for spitting you get one lash for fucking a kid you get two
[00:21:24] One guy's like well, it makes sense. I'll just get the other lash
[00:21:35] What it up a couple years ago I wrote an article when I was doing that in the coal shit that was like guys
[00:21:40] The headline was like, sir. We just not gonna tell Chinese people that New Year's was a month ago
[00:21:44] I was like, you know, like a ditzy girl, you know, yeah, like thinking they were confused and all these singaparees people got mad at me
[00:21:52] Oh boy, and I had some poet from singapore that was like, oh, I remember this man needs to be in jail
[00:22:00] Singapore they don't have freedom of speech. Let me tell you right now. He would fit right in here
[00:22:04] Right in here. He said you need to go to jail. They were like you should be arrested for that's incredible
[00:22:10] Yeah, you should be in jail. You've said something that's bothered us. You should be behind bars
[00:22:15] Absolutely, and I love people that like that's where society is now. We're like that's not even a controversial statement
[00:22:21] Yeah, no Sean King said about the CCK is like he should be in prison
[00:22:25] Is that what he said? Sean King called for lucy k to be in jail
[00:22:29] Interesting. Yeah, Sean King was also the guy with that with that white guy was kidnapped by black guys matter people
[00:22:33] Like I don't even know if they're black guys matter people who's like a retarded white kid
[00:22:37] There was a kid there was a video on relax torture
[00:22:40] You're not on the you know gas digital right now
[00:22:46] You might think this is two years ago. This is one of the leading podcasts of the left
[00:22:50] No, this is the uh, so and then shromkim was like, I can't feel bad for this kid. It's like whoa
[00:22:55] Yeah, he's like I can't get a set up yeah, oh, we're jarded. You being tortured
[00:22:59] It's like there's so much injustice that white people are so which I understand don't give a fuck about but it's like
[00:23:05] It's like strange that that's you don't have empathy like you see that you feel bad
[00:23:10] Don't lie about it. I mean I just love that lucy k should be in jail. It's like, okay
[00:23:14] There's no crime committed, but okay. Yeah, he's a pervert great
[00:23:20] Lock him up. Let's lock everybody up. Well, that's why you just got to acquire as much money and power as possible
[00:23:26] Yeah, so you can be on the island. I'm gonna have I'm gonna have to make so much money that in five years when
[00:23:32] Saying rape jokes is illegal. I can have my private secret rape joke ring
[00:23:39] My millionaire friends fly to a private island say you already told her twice or by the way
[00:23:44] Or like it goes the other way where like there is no special without rape jokes in which case in every hack that we know
[00:23:50] Who's like, you know to you know tweeting about uh pressure like we'll then go the other way of course
[00:23:56] Oh, yeah, I think it's gonna happen. Yeah, I think the worst part about all of this like, you know
[00:24:01] Like cultural rabies that people have and you know go nuts over this shit
[00:24:06] Is that when they calm down and realize that like they've completely overshot the mark of whatever justice they were trying to accomplish
[00:24:14] Yeah, and they're they're like setting a precedent for all of these sort of repressive ideas, you know, yeah
[00:24:20] Shut down speech or or they don't realize that it could be used against them
[00:24:25] Well, the other thing is too. It's like there's somebody useful idiots in this that aren't even ideologues
[00:24:29] They're like careerist or cynical opportunists, right?
[00:24:31] And they're just like out there saying literally whatever they think
[00:24:34] Can advance their own career. It's like that's all that's like gross right another level whenever they calm down
[00:24:41] They turn around and pretend like they discovered that this was a problem
[00:24:46] Realization like you did that shit with the like, you know creating dog piles and then like two weeks later like maybe dog piling people isn't such a good
[00:24:54] I what is what was dog piling? It's like when you call somebody out for a thing and then a bunch of other people online that
[00:25:02] Join in yeah, they do this thing on twitter called follow shaming where yeah if you follow somebody that's like it's an endorsement because to them
[00:25:09] It is their their entire world is wrapped up and who follows you and what kind of metrics you're getting on Twitter
[00:25:15] Second also you could just follow someone and not like them. You just want to follow enemies by the way
[00:25:21] Why why wouldn't you follow people you disagree with how would you
[00:25:26] I follow people I don't agree with at all why what benefit to me even if you were like a staunch
[00:25:33] Leftist why wouldn't you follow ancaltor?
[00:25:35] Why wouldn't you want to know what they're doing?
[00:25:37] Yeah, I mean it's comics and but I think it's more of a problem with fucking media people
[00:25:41] But they do this thing where they're like, you know socially drafting each other where
[00:25:45] But pretend to like somebody until they think they can like just surpass them somehow. Yeah
[00:25:50] And then just leapfrog over them and throw them down into the right garbage pit they crawled out of
[00:25:58] Parasitic nonsense. Yeah, yeah, and then none of it's funny. That's the other thing
[00:26:03] Yeah, that's my girlfriend said that about like all the female
[00:26:07] Comedian articles that came out after Louie like the she's like yeah
[00:26:11] I read all these articles and none of them are funny
[00:26:13] Some of them had some great points, but some of them had so many metaphoricals like there was one comedian
[00:26:17] Who I like wrote an article in the Times that she had some good points
[00:26:19] But one of the lines in the thing which was like well if I was a man
[00:26:23] Would my wife be watching the baby so I could go out and do theaters and it's like there are so many metaphorical
[00:26:28] Thing it's like if I if this was this and this was that then why would and it's like what is this where we come?
[00:26:36] You know what we're talking about we're talking about a guy who's a pervert you do the wrong thing
[00:26:39] And has now lost everything pretty other than beating the guy flogging him in the street murdering him
[00:26:44] Taking the money out of his bank account. What else are we gonna do to this guy?
[00:26:47] Well, so the one that they never consider is like
[00:26:50] Yeah, what if your parents were rich and they floated your entire ucb education? Yeah, what kind of advantage would you have over?
[00:27:01] I know most people at ucb are working their way through Burger King right when I go to Burger King
[00:27:06] I ask everybody working there how many people do in ucb improv every hand goes up
[00:27:10] Every hand goes up in that they're flipping burgers and doing improv. Yeah. Oh, yeah, baby
[00:27:20] Nothing funnier than a good jam a bunch of adults playing dress up. Yeah a guy pretending to be a tree at 37 years old
[00:27:29] No family nothing else just a nice little apartment the East Village and the adoration of a bunch of losers
[00:27:36] Well, did you see that uh mike burbigly a movie?
[00:27:38] Sleepwalk with me is that the one about the no?
[00:27:41] I went to the premiere of the improv one because i've geffered was in it. So I went to the premiere watch it
[00:27:47] Oh, yeah, it was a movie. I mean, it's just like oh, yeah, I never saw it's like
[00:27:51] I mean, I guess maybe it's because i'm like so close to comedy
[00:27:54] But this looks like somebody like a boring improv person just complaining about their week
[00:28:00] I just my favorite part of that movie. There's one part where one improv person says to another one they go
[00:28:04] You don't have it. I'm like, oh that one I like
[00:28:08] That was great. I'll quit. I'll take that. They were like you should quit. You don't have it. I'm like, oh good. Yeah, okay
[00:28:15] I don't know. I mean, I get maybe that's what a movie is supposed to be just an accurate portrayal of boring of something. Yeah
[00:28:20] It was just kind of it was it was I get that that's a whole different experience
[00:28:23] I dare a funny people ucb and I kid around I like I like make fun of it, but I'm sure that they're
[00:28:27] That's a whole different experience that I've never had and never wanted to have I never wanted to be on a team
[00:28:32] Yeah, so I never understood like like I that's what I like about stand-up is where it's kind of like there's the you're you're accountable to yourself
[00:28:40] Yeah, and you're out there and you're doing your own thing and you you do work with other people you care and respect about you work on projects together
[00:28:47] But this whole idea of like having a team and then also paying like paying money to be in this emotional
[00:28:52] Ponzie scheme, which is what ucb is. Yeah, and then like a lot of the people ucb then become the stage manager
[00:28:58] Right. I'm like this could not have been the goal
[00:29:02] When you walk in the door like there's no way that this like you aren't like, I don't want to be Amy pauler
[00:29:08] Fuck that no I want to be part of this building like one of the stage managers literally said to me
[00:29:12] He's like I feel like I'm part of this building and I'm like
[00:29:17] I see you got my dick caught in the glory hole in the bathroom
[00:29:20] Yeah, I feel like I'm part of this building Amber Phyllis is that's horrible dude shooting on the floor. Oh, no
[00:29:26] Don't shit for the white camp. Yeah, that's mystical. She likes to shit on the floor sometimes listen. Don't we all?
[00:29:34] Don't we all like to shit on the floor? Yeah, that's what we do that story you told about or I guess no
[00:29:45] Ralph Sutton yes, Ralph Sutton's leader about on the cruise
[00:29:49] Yes, and the crew is the guy just shitting in the hall. Yeah, Ralph Sutton does a cruise called ship rock
[00:29:53] Which the Legion of Skanks guys go on to provide comedy between the overdosing that goes on
[00:30:02] That's what's so funny is I can imagine all these child sex rings in like an island where people use children and how that's like this if it's real
[00:30:09] It's this disgusting secret. It's also like yeah. Do you know about cruises?
[00:30:13] Yeah, you know what goes on on the on the warped tour cruise
[00:30:20] Yeah, but he goes on this thing called ship rock and it's just like that's why that that David Foster Wallace essay about going on the
[00:30:30] I'm thinking about how smart he is I like that
[00:30:33] You got to talk about what goes on on these things. Yeah, they are I talks about how shitty a cruises with the corn ones really good
[00:30:39] Have you ever read that one? Yeah about the avian awards and who's in that?
[00:30:50] Paul yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man
[00:30:54] But they love people love those cruises like they Ralph does a motorhead cruise
[00:30:58] He and he's like the MC of a crew like which they don't need right
[00:31:03] Like it's no need literally you just need someone to do an announcement on a loudspeaker
[00:31:07] But like Ralph gets up with his personality and he's like and now slipknot
[00:31:14] Slipknot could just walk out on the deck
[00:31:17] Ralph like adds a little something to it
[00:31:20] But like tomorrow's and remember tomorrow's 80s night good for him. He sneaks in a vacation. Yeah, it makes a little money man
[00:31:25] Yeah, why not I was on that impractical Joker's cruise
[00:31:28] It was going that Lewis said he would you should have came he's Lewis said he would have figured out a way to get me in on
[00:31:32] You should have came. Yeah, I wanted to everyone had a plus one really
[00:31:35] I don't want to fuck I guess I was brought his girl or something bro his check. Yeah. Yeah, that's they just what they have a long
[00:31:41] Distance relationship. She's moved in New York. Oh, yeah, it's weird
[00:31:44] That seems like I don't think I can't imagine that Lewis could manage any kind of distance relationship
[00:31:49] Right unless there was like a lock on the door. Yeah
[00:31:54] Good for him. Yeah, well the good thing about the long-distance relationship is but she would come to New York every couple months
[00:31:59] By the time she came to New York like the bruises from him hitting her
[00:32:06] It was just kind of like a light shade of the little ship, but yeah, she's moving to New York
[00:32:10] So that's good good for him. And you guys ever gone on cruise? Just otherwise no was any trashy like long island boat like drink
[00:32:17] Getting drunk on a boat at the hours people that are half first of all there are people that are fans
[00:32:21] Like I love the sopranos, but if you told me like hey, you can go do karaoke with Edie Falco on a boat. Yeah, I would throw something
[00:32:30] But these are people who are like you want to spend a week with the impractal jokers like
[00:32:33] Yes, and they are so excited like you can not weird understate how excited they are like so here's one thing
[00:32:40] I'm in the cabin a shitty cabin on the fifth floor. I don't have a balcony. Brooke Christ. She's got like a
[00:32:45] Amazing sweet as you should it's amazing living room dining room. I'm I have a porthole. I'm like looking out
[00:32:51] I mean it's fucking one of the jokers. I don't even I don't even know who the jokers. I know Sal
[00:32:56] I don't even know who the other ones are so one of these Jack Nicholson
[00:33:04] The cat so one of the jokers is named mr. Right. Yeah, so all of a sudden like the captain's announcement comes on and you hear this
[00:33:10] Hello, it's your captain mr. And the fucking cab is on either end of me go
[00:33:17] Slapping and screet like the funniest thing they've ever heard
[00:33:29] And then you just port in this fake town called Costa Maya
[00:33:33] Which is a sandbar in the Gulf of Mexico
[00:33:36] It's a sandbar that royal Caribbean spent like $400 on and they just have a cha-chiki stands with these fat tourists go by
[00:33:44] And then there's beaches and to get you to the beaches they have to drive you through legitimately a third world
[00:33:52] Running around without shoes and there's like roof like if you go stay at a resort
[00:33:56] They take great pains to not show you any of this
[00:33:58] I mean they pick you up in a car that drive you right to resort
[00:34:01] But you're on a trolley like an open-air trolley with other cruise people like old like the Jewish people from Florida
[00:34:10] And there's people without shoes and there's chickens and huts and it's like and then they you go up to the beach
[00:34:17] Like we're at the beach and it's like wait what and it's and that's why the rest of the world hates us as Americans
[00:34:22] Because we just like dock these floating buffets outside the poorest places in the world and march
[00:34:28] Morbidly obese people through these people are the baddest and they're eating gum for dinner these people
[00:34:34] They're like they're shot, you know, and then like our people are just like like there's people that got off our cruise on scooters like fat
[00:34:41] Like motor scooters. Yeah, and then like go down the pier in the motor scooter. It's it's like it's like
[00:34:48] Like a duck boat version of the motor scooter
[00:34:51] He's a jet ski and also a hover around they had like all these fat people went and did that fish foot thing
[00:35:01] What the fuck is that do you eat the dead skin on your feet? No?
[00:35:06] No, and all the forms of a form of a pedicure again, no
[00:35:10] Yeah, that's nice kind of nice and they're just people put these fat like ribeye-sized
[00:35:18] Steak feet in this fish tank and these fish just eating it. I love it. I'm like this is just
[00:35:26] It's horrible for the fish. It's not fun for the fish
[00:35:30] They're gonna does like in millions of years as fish will evolve in this end
[00:35:35] She and like yeah, like beings with consciousness and that that trauma is going to be ingrained into their sight
[00:35:41] Oh, and when we when we came back we all this like, you know, who's leaving after us the kiss cruise
[00:35:47] And Gene Simmons and stuff they just get it. There's a deal will be a cruise for everything is a walking dead
[00:35:54] Parahoy sugar a had a cruise for oh yeah, because listen when you're out of the when you're out of that 18 to 35 demo
[00:36:00] You're like not the hot thing anymore like you're getting on the boat. Why is the fish thing? Okay?
[00:36:04] But it's wrong to put peanut butter on your dick and have your dog
[00:36:07] I don't know I think you know what fish nobody really gives a shit about fish. We don't they're not they're not guys
[00:36:12] They're not like a they're not a person here. So okay. What's section?
[00:36:16] What about this you go on a cruise to Belize and you can stick your cock in a toucan's beak right?
[00:36:22] Does it feel good? I mean, I don't know it looks like it would at least feel kind of fruity
[00:36:27] Yeah, I think it tastes like pretty pebbles afterwards. We like we're attached to our dogs and cats more so than also
[00:36:34] It's sexual. I think it's just fish to care about dogs to lick your feet
[00:36:37] All right, well this way if you had one of those tanks at home. Yeah, that would be weird. Yeah for sure for sure
[00:36:44] If you had a fish tank at home that you stuck your fucking feet in to have you have beautiful feet
[00:36:49] You'd have beautiful feet though. You would have any friends. Yeah, it was weird man
[00:36:52] And why I just I'll just look at my beautiful feet all day. This is gross Sam Rose
[00:36:58] The cruises of the Bahamas and a bunch of tourists would just come back just robbed
[00:37:09] I think that's why they didn't dock in Jamaica by the way here's the other thing
[00:37:13] There's not a group of people on earth that deserve to be robbed more
[00:37:17] Like there's not a single group of people that deserve to be like a machete to the next average net per victim
[00:37:28] $17. Oh god not much. Yeah, cuz you don't carry cash. They put all your purchases on your room key
[00:37:35] So at the end of the week like 2 a 8 15 pounds of shrimp
[00:37:39] They got my jet scarf and my Olive Garden gift certificate
[00:37:43] Dude in the summer talking about other cruises and it's like oh they're cruise life
[00:37:48] First people like somebody one lady turns to another lady one woman goes like this
[00:37:51] She's like do you mind if I ask you a question? Oh ladies like now and the woman goes
[00:37:56] What cruise line wouldn't you take and then the lady go like it was like a secret right and then the lady goes
[00:38:03] Carnival and then the other woman goes I've heard that and I'm like oh god
[00:38:10] Imagine way to spend your time on this planet and the boats are shitholes. They're disgusting
[00:38:15] Yeah, it's a disgust that's sorry of the boat
[00:38:18] They got stranded out and see it everyone's sitting in their own shit. Yeah for a week
[00:38:21] That was like the best story ever and by the way, it's not that much different from when it's working
[00:38:26] Yeah, that's it's not that much different from what it has power by the way. You're just shitting and it's going down the toilet
[00:38:31] It's just it's horrible. It's they're bad, but people love it. They don't even go outside
[00:38:35] They don't go in the water. They don't care
[00:38:36] They should have a fish that you shove up your ass and he told the shit out of your hole
[00:38:40] I would love one of those gives you a colonics. It's just that the tail sticking out. You're like oh, you're going to the pool
[00:38:56] That would rule dude. I want fish to do everything for me
[00:38:59] I can trim my pubes, you know what I mean? Put your fucking put your balls in the only good fish is pepperage farm goldfish
[00:39:05] You really like them as a snack. Yeah, I like you like you're a snack guy. I am you like vittles
[00:39:11] Yeah, you like snacks. I do like snacks. It likes little snacks. That's the only reason I got into television
[00:39:17] Yeah, you just get a little craft service. Yeah. Well not craft services
[00:39:21] In office snacks. Yeah in the kitchen. Oh, that's a nice snack guy
[00:39:25] Snack, but I like a big I like a big he like me you like you like an eight course meal exactly
[00:39:33] I like enough meat for a family of five. I'm not a snack
[00:39:37] I like a little some Nestle flips a cigarette all snacks to me become paste in your mouth
[00:39:42] I like them when I'm high. Yeah, when I was high. I would eat cereal. Why are you so hot?
[00:39:48] I would eat I love cereal. What was your favorite cereal? I mean, I like golden grams a lot. I like everything
[00:39:54] I like golden grams when they get a little song. I had a
[00:40:00] I was eating golden grams. It's amazing. You had a dream about it dream about
[00:40:05] So interesting and I was mixing all kinds of cereal and a big bowl and drinking it. That's beautiful
[00:40:10] Yo, well, my mom would bring fruity pebbles home them shits would go so quick
[00:40:14] Yeah, we would if you'd go to Costco and just get like shit
[00:40:17] That was supposed to last us the double me and my brother. Is that why you look like Fred Flintstone?
[00:40:21] Yes, we have Flintstone feet. We should do a bean usually to a Fred and Barney. We really should
[00:40:27] Really should but with child rape. Yeah, it's like Fred and Barney have a dark secret
[00:40:33] Lolita Express, but there's a hole on the bottom and it's powered by your feet. Yeah
[00:40:39] Bam come over here when I was like really smoking pot in seventh grade my mother was also collecting McDonald's toys
[00:40:43] So she would just keep going to her cell for her. Yeah, she wanted to save them and then sell them later
[00:40:49] Alleable that was what a great stock. Yeah, I was her investment
[00:40:52] She was she was the soccer soccer, but she put like beanie babies in you know shoe boxes
[00:40:57] But she would then she like my mom my my friends would like be at my house
[00:41:00] We'd be stoned and she'd show up at like 30 Mcdubbles
[00:41:03] Whoa, she's like I had to just keep going through the drive to get all the toys
[00:41:06] Yeah, my friends look at me and they were like obviously this is laughable now
[00:41:10] My friends would be like dude you have the best life
[00:41:16] Pretty good. Oh, she skits a frantic. I'm obese. Oh, this is a problem
[00:41:21] Bryson Turner used to have a funny joke about that about his white trash cousins that he'd go visit
[00:41:26] It's a white trash people are just people to think everything an eight-year-old thinks is cool or still cool wasn't at all
[00:41:34] You get to drink Mountain Dew for breakfast
[00:41:37] Look they just park on the lawn. Yeah, what your bed is a race car
[00:41:42] It was a very funny joke. I still think that's cool. All right p Bryson Turner
[00:41:45] Where is he he's dead? Is he really no? He moved to Virginia Beach. So I love him. Happy your life
[00:41:51] Yeah, actually he's so much better than us at one point. He was doing something called comedy church
[00:41:56] And I'm like oh this is not gonna. No, this is not gonna go well
[00:41:59] He's like what tell me he was trying to make it to the NBA like it like 29
[00:42:03] Bryson got lost it. I mean like I talked to him maybe once every two years now, but he seemed okay last time I talked to him
[00:42:11] His thing was like he was when he was like 24. He just figured out comedy
[00:42:16] Yeah, like literally every time he went on stage you would have a new five to ten minutes
[00:42:20] Yeah, it would crush and then they were always fully formed bits
[00:42:23] It wasn't like you know this thing now where you can get away with just sort of being a personality
[00:42:27] He would be like full bits three tags, you know, just structured. He was just good at it
[00:42:32] And then you know you even if you're good at comedy you still have to like
[00:42:39] And sometimes it's like listen you figured out comedy is you got to figure out other things in life
[00:42:43] So it's like you figure out comedy really early and then you're like oh, but like relationships
[00:42:47] And all these other things I got to figure out like I totally can like I totally get people
[00:42:52] I spoke to a kid. I went to dinner with a kid who quit was a really funny guy and he was like
[00:42:55] Yeah, he was like again. He started 20 by the time he's 26
[00:42:58] He was like opening for people doing a lot of cool shit
[00:43:00] He was just like yeah, but I got to a point where I hadn't done anything else with my lot like I didn't have a yeah
[00:43:05] You know, yeah, it's unhealthy to just yeah
[00:43:09] Absolutely. Well Bryson just kind of burned himself out because he like didn't you know he didn't have like patience really?
[00:43:14] Yeah, which you know, he really shouldn't have I mean yeah like 10 10 15 years prior
[00:43:19] He could have just gotten a fucking hour long HBO's best
[00:43:22] Yeah, you find out like when you're you get really good or said something and you're like oh, that doesn't matter as much
[00:43:27] He's other also he developed this ego and like because of the ego everyone was just waiting for him to fail
[00:43:32] Like people were so excited when he kind of lost
[00:43:35] Nice guy. I was like one of my best friends
[00:43:37] Yeah, it's like people kind of had this spiteful shitty attitude towards him
[00:43:41] So she was like a young talented guy and he was like yeah, I know I'm the best comic
[00:43:45] Yeah, and you can't do that in comedy. No, you can't yeah, you have to be like even when you're a millionaire
[00:43:52] Yeah, oh my god. I like I'm not even good. I'm like I barely like I just I'm so worried about global warming and it was like
[00:44:01] You yeah god. You're so conscious. It's the next Louie specials about to be fire
[00:44:07] It's about to be great. Now. What do you guys think? How long does he wait before he gets back in?
[00:44:11] What are you doing funny mom's in two weeks? Yeah?
[00:44:13] Yeah, he's gonna do it. We got we got Louie's skyping in the yeah
[00:44:18] It's gonna be sort of not exactly straight stand up. It's gonna be sort of a take on don't ruin the bit
[00:44:23] I won't fucking get in Adam's like I'll just telegraph the fun out right out of it
[00:44:32] Anyone has issues with a tweet us and we'll change
[00:44:36] I'm gonna I'm gonna get a video of a guy jackin off and superimpose Louie's face on that's fun
[00:44:41] Put it up on a projector on the show. Okay. I dig it. Yeah, but now I've now
[00:44:45] Saying Adam ruins everything. Thank you. They don't have a what they said projector is set up at the whatever
[00:44:51] Figure something out anyway, uh, great if there's an article came out of it Adam Conover where they were like yeah
[00:44:58] Well, there's someone whoa cast a fall right?
[00:45:01] Oh, like Harry's on the ball has to be raving. There's a little boy in Adam's hair. Yeah
[00:45:06] Look at that pompadors and infant that's covered. Yes like Adam's like Adam
[00:45:10] The next episode is like what you really don't know about Epstein's island. Yeah, it's fake. Don't look into it anymore
[00:45:17] There's no don't do anymore digging. It's not gotten to this place in society where we're like now rooting for certain people have to have done
[00:45:25] Unspeakable like damaging things. I saw somebody posting like male comics you better be fucking dripping ball sweat
[00:45:30] Into your like male comics in general. Yeah, everyone to be accused
[00:45:36] It's like also it's also like why are we getting so giddy?
[00:45:40] About tragedy about people being hurt. Yeah, people would be
[00:45:46] Well, what they're excited about is careers being destroyed because they're they're so open up brain damage
[00:45:51] Yeah, that they think that this is going to create some kind of vacuum
[00:45:54] Yeah, and it's not just like rich people being like oh good. We don't have to pay Louie anymore
[00:45:58] Right, right? We're gonna be you make else. Yeah. Yeah, this doesn't like it's not gonna be like oh great
[00:46:03] Well, you know now that now we can not trans people replace Louie. Yeah, right? Yeah, it's fucking nuts. Yeah, it's crazy
[00:46:11] That's and it's actually it there was like that woman Jen Richards is like a trans woman. I guess she was on that show the cops
[00:46:18] Yeah, oh the fact I guess I can announce it now
[00:46:20] I was gonna be on Louie's FX show and that job's gone now because of this yeah people are like wow now Louie's costing trans women jobs
[00:46:27] It's like no the job he created for a trans woman is gone
[00:46:32] And he I guess he doesn't have a job anymore either
[00:46:36] But he did he is one to that Katy Perry concert and who danced his fears away
[00:46:53] Oh, and he finally accepted LA's his home, which I think is amazing
[00:46:57] Imagine being a parent who took a 13 year old girl
[00:47:01] To that concert and you turn around if you see sweaty Mike Lawrence dancing and crying
[00:47:10] I think you would go this isn't safe and we've got a go there's the call out
[00:47:17] You would think someone took their retarded son to Katy Perry
[00:47:20] You saw that like this adult disabled man
[00:47:24] And I love Mike, but they call me out when I post something fat on my Instagram which happens every other week
[00:47:28] So every other day who's I love every old you like Matt Michael, but this is uh, you know
[00:47:34] This is a very pickish thing and I'm like all right. Well, okay. You're gonna go to a party
[00:47:39] I did her. I said this on podcast before was like one of the greatest things ever in my life was I dinner with him and his wife in LA
[00:47:45] He said three things they were all terrifying and one of them. He said he goes like this. We're eating mola
[00:47:50] The mola is so good. He goes like this. He goes he looks up at us. He's got like
[00:47:55] Roast battle must evolve or it will perish
[00:47:59] And I just looked at his wife and I'm like are you guys getting in the beach at all?
[00:48:04] What do you think like how's it been weather good
[00:48:09] I'm living in the shadow of my own kid. Yeah, you know, he destroys Ralphie may
[00:48:14] I go downstairs the next day. We're like the buffet line whenever Montreal I go
[00:48:19] Congrats the whole festival talking about it. He's like, but I'm living in the shadow of my own kid. I'm like, oh my god
[00:48:27] Like yeah, never my son's like comic books are gay
[00:48:31] Yeah, then you remember why people made fun of people that read comic books
[00:48:36] They think their whole life is Batman all the people that like comic books now didn't actually like comic
[00:48:40] Right, man read I'm sure Mike did but he likes the real deal one or two comic books the same thing with wrestling
[00:48:46] It's like even if you fucking watched it every day. You're not these, you know brain damaged adults
[00:48:51] One thing I had is a mic is why I love Mike is like he was like a real deal like you talk about white privilege like that guy worked at McDonald's
[00:48:57] Nobody hustled harder than that guy and nobody worked harder than that guy. You know, oh, yeah
[00:49:02] He's funny shit. Yeah, he's fucking he's like the guy. Yeah, like what we only complain about Mike is that he is autistic
[00:49:12] The cool thing about people that are like autistic or whatever is they don't they like they're rude by accident because they understand but it goes both ways
[00:49:21] Yeah, you can straight up be fucking rude a shit to them and they don't yes, you know, I don't get to be a nerd all the time
[00:49:27] Right anytime I see him I say incredibly rude things right through his face. Yeah. Yeah
[00:49:35] He's a shit. I am ugly. It's stupid. What are off a Doc's back?
[00:49:43] Okay, I guess I don't know the next thing to go into here. We already
[00:49:48] This is episode five. Well, we've done like nine episodes on it
[00:49:52] On we have to keep doing like all of the all this like conspiracy. Let's talk about uh Tim fucking like a fireman or something
[00:49:58] You weren't an F. D. And why sure have you ever fucked a fire?
[00:50:00] I think the first dude I blew was a fireman
[00:50:02] He was in the fireman. He was like training to be a fireman. He wasn't a real fireman. Oh first guy first dick in your mouth
[00:50:07] Yeah, first take him in mouth is it because of not a landed motel in Brooklyn?
[00:50:11] It was because of 9-11 my parents arranged it
[00:50:15] My father looked at me and he said son are you a patriot?
[00:50:20] Was like what do you mean? He's like, you know uncle Tommy's been very stressed out
[00:50:28] And i'm like what do you mean? He's like he would love your baby mouth on his car
[00:50:34] Now we're giving him a ride the loli to express. Yeah, of course. Yeah
[00:50:38] That first responders should have gotten two years to do whatever they wanted. I agree. I agree
[00:50:43] No consequence. No consequence. I think it fuck it. What do you julianny? She came out and said hey
[00:50:48] I know we cleaned that view. Listen. Are you gonna get health care? No? Yeah, you're not gonna get health for two years
[00:50:53] You can fuck as many boys you do whatever you want you want to run assholes
[00:50:58] Fuck everybody you want but now first dude. I blew as a firefighter who was like it was in a hotel in Brooklyn
[00:51:02] I'm not a brogue. We met on craigslist. Oh, yeah
[00:51:05] That's where we're gonna do before I sucked his dick. He looked at me
[00:51:07] Literally and I had to take his dick out of my mouth to say okay. He looked at me and he goes
[00:51:11] I'm not fucking gay. I took his dick out of my mouth. I went no, I know
[00:51:17] And that was it was the hottest thing ever
[00:51:32] Get hard in Brooklyn. That was fun. That was a fun time of life for you. Just smoke weed drive around
[00:51:37] Get sucked off that was I mean like we all had those times
[00:51:43] Yeah, is that pre stand up for you pre-stand up? Yeah, I started saying up later. I started saying about it was like 20
[00:51:47] Well, yeah, it was it was pre-stand up. I started saying about it was like 20
[00:51:51] So how would you go about having sex with Adam?
[00:51:53] Adam we have a tree a sleepover from when I was young
[00:51:57] That's an atom reminds me of like all the Jewish guys that I grew up with who were like
[00:52:02] Kind of effeminate and touchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[00:52:05] Yes, yes, but not but now all have wives. Yeah, yeah, like all have wives ethically gay
[00:52:11] Yeah, but like were like the type of guys were like if you blew them they would giggle they'd be like
[00:52:21] Like would never even internalize it was gay
[00:52:26] They would just like giggle like that would be so that would be
[00:52:29] But I could attest that like Jewish summer camp was like so much. Oh so much
[00:52:35] It was so suck a kid off and no it was never gay like in my mind
[00:52:39] But like some of those dudes ended up right was never gay in my mind
[00:52:43] But it was like dudes like taking their dicks out and yeah all the time and it was just like it was a little rest
[00:52:49] It was funny. Yeah, everybody's in a pool a little fried a little do little fabric between you know each other
[00:52:55] That's you I think dividing you and that other and also
[00:53:01] The culture of like punching someone in the balls is also like very strange. It's like yeah destroying your friends
[00:53:10] It would get way too like carried away. Yeah, I was just saying talking about that this morning is sinking back to like the
[00:53:19] Sacked up and it's like I don't want to participate in this
[00:53:22] I know one time fucking came up with like I have to just like hold my lower abdomen for fucking 30 minutes
[00:53:28] Because you didn't know how to be funny with words right my friend Tommy got uh had to go like
[00:53:35] He had to go to like the clinic like the hospital because this kid Dan Rovinsky took a half-field
[00:53:41] Nalgene on a carabiner and swung it and smashed his dick
[00:53:49] No, he broke he broke his cock from the other from when we
[00:53:54] Interrupted him masturbating wait a minute this guy has multiple cock
[00:54:09] He was like flat on the bed with like his socks
[00:54:13] Just wearing socks and like holding up a camera trying to be professional
[00:54:17] Yeah, sorry. Sorry. He was let's not get so
[00:54:25] Just in his socks open the window everyone's like laughing at him
[00:54:28] And it's one of the meanest things I ever did was is ratting on him
[00:54:32] Yeah, and uh he like was flat on the bed. He's sort of mean you've solicited sex traffic. Yeah, you've heard prosthetic
[00:54:38] That's pretty mean it's not mean it is mean it's participating in a broken system
[00:54:42] One twice. That's what I get people to fuck me by saying will you participate in a broken system?
[00:54:48] That's literally the line I use. Oh, this is a broken system
[00:54:54] Systemically tune me up. Anyway, he like uh he break his dick
[00:54:57] He was flat on his back on this mattress and he like
[00:55:01] Saw he like did a double take everyone's laughing at him
[00:55:04] And he like sort of his body just sort of levitated and he like did a 180 and he just smashed his bone
[00:55:13] He just like smashed his boner into the mattress and then like he started crying and what
[00:55:20] I mean it like bent and it was like an erection like bent in a real sleep number
[00:55:26] All right, well it was horrible, but yeah, it was like all this like sort of homo erotis real sleep
[00:55:35] Six seven you like to get rough one time
[00:55:42] Left tackle for the carolina panthers. Yeah, Nat tapped me so hard
[00:55:46] I literally thought I shit one of my balls out of my ass geez because I had it was bloody like I
[00:55:51] Was when I was a kid and I was walking on parallel bars on a playground set
[00:55:55] And I fucking split my fucking legs right on top metal parallel bars
[00:56:00] I slip fell right down on the fucking middle
[00:56:02] I had to run into the bathroom. I thought I like popped one of my balls
[00:56:06] I was the most pain I've ever been in my life
[00:56:08] Me and my friend ditched once and we were just walking around the town
[00:56:11] Yeah, my dad saw that and he just hopped out of his truck and just punched me in the face
[00:56:22] I fell down and my friend left so hard. I was like you're so fucked up
[00:56:30] Me and this is like the town I grew up in he was just she called me
[00:56:33] And she's like yo your father did a great job with you
[00:56:35] Well, he come over and punch my son in the face. Oh my god. Barb. Great. What a cool culture
[00:56:41] That was a great culture. That was a culture back then people saw it
[00:56:45] People saw my dad punched me in the face and everybody looked at me like well, you're a piece of shit
[00:56:52] Yeah, like nobody was like why are you getting decked?
[00:56:57] Glad he got punched in the face. Well, there's probably a world in between child abuse and you know participation trophies
[00:57:04] It's like a healthy medium. There is a happy medium somewhere. Yeah, I see it smacked
[00:57:09] Were you you were now Adam was like gently reprimanded. Maybe you got you know Adam was like no my dad my dad had like
[00:57:15] You wish it this uh this like it was covered in leather. It was like a
[00:57:24] Your gram course. It was your grandpa. It was my grandfather
[00:57:29] That uh swastika stitch in yeah back of the head. Yeah. Yeah for shame
[00:57:35] First face in of swastika so you could only see it the right way in a mirror
[00:57:39] Yes, and he's make me wear the pajamas. He's like it's the pajama
[00:57:42] It's pajama time and I'd have to put on the stripey pajamas and we play ash with
[00:57:47] Yeah, he had a shower that when you turn it on cum came
[00:57:51] Poisonous cum. What is you know? What was it a thing?
[00:57:53] You would hate you with what was it like no it was like it was like a uh baton
[00:57:58] Yeah, it was like my grand for world war. Yeah, his dad was really into rhythmic gymnast
[00:58:03] We're not a south africa's dad if you fuck up this parallel bar routine
[00:58:08] You're gonna get show me your floor exercise. That's regular gymnastics rhythm gymnastics is the one where they dance right with the gay ribbon
[00:58:18] So like I would actually prefer to get hit then like to get fucked with because your parents lied to you and they always fuck with you
[00:58:24] Like mentally yeah, there was this one time like I remember really young my dad
[00:58:28] I like he was trying to punish me for getting a bee on summer like they were like very demanding academically whatever
[00:58:34] So he made up this fake phone call he sent me to time out and then he made up a fake phone call where he was
[00:58:38] He was faking a phone call where he was sending me to a boy's work camp
[00:58:42] Oh, he's like my dad's from south africa. So he's like, okay. So monday
[00:58:47] Uh monday what so what should we be bringing for his vocational boys work?
[00:58:52] Kevin i'm like, you know sitting in in my bedroom crying i thinking i'm gonna have to be like a
[00:58:57] A labe like a you know a child labor is that your dream is being the counselor at a
[00:59:12] How many guys will have to sleep with me in the bed?
[00:59:15] And then so my parents put me on swim team to make me like not gay and it was just so when they just nature's boys in bikiti
[00:59:22] That was it my parents. We gotta get him in a sport
[00:59:25] You ever see the lifetime movie cyber seduction his secret life. Wait. No, but who's in that you told me about that?
[00:59:33] The the woman that plays the mom is the only one that he's a swimmer, right?
[00:59:35] He's like so hot. He's a swimmer. Is it Ryan Philip? He or one of those guys?
[00:59:39] I can't remember those dudes. Yeah, and they the fucking uh, yeah
[00:59:42] He's like a swimmer gets he looks he fucks up his whole swimming career because he starts looking at porn
[00:59:47] But it's never really porn. It's like girls and sweaters. Yeah
[00:59:52] He stays up on my drinking energy drinks and like
[00:59:55] Refreshing off refreshing images of the jc penny catalog
[00:59:59] Never beating off and then like they never even call it porn
[01:00:02] Right. I think the mom's like I can't believe our son is looking at those websites
[01:00:07] Yeah, you know or whatever and then eventually he's like beaten up by like the coolest kid in school. Yeah, we're looking at porn
[01:00:14] Yeah, it's just it's so funny. I like it used to be like a panzer worry that you were online looking at porn now
[01:00:18] It's like they were that you're like on the daily stormer
[01:00:22] It's like a whole different worry. It's like, you know, was he beating off? No, he's white supremacy
[01:00:28] Yes, uh, oh, yeah, yeah, but never but you you were probably you weren't an internet kid at all though, right?
[01:00:37] Yeah, I wasn't like an internet kid. I was like I would go on america online and I would go on like aim
[01:00:42] Yeah, but like I was hanging out like I was even blow at 12 and doing I was
[01:00:46] Crack houses and driving to the Bronx and getting coke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Crack is a lot of fun, right?
[01:00:50] I've never smoked crack. I free base cocaine. Okay, and I I think that's a lot of we just
[01:00:54] As only imagine that's literally what uh, Evan just told us Evan told Evan Williams was also free base cocaine
[01:01:00] Yeah, last step he was talking about it. Yeah, and he said it was uh really good and really scary
[01:01:11] Like a lot of it does have an adverse effect, but when you were partying you weren't even gave like you weren't even fucking right
[01:01:16] No, I was just driving. I was doing weird like I was later on I kind of was okay. I was not
[01:01:24] Oh clearly not out. Yeah, I was partying so I was
[01:01:28] 12 13 like I was so I wasn't fucking that. Oh, right, right? My first I got I first
[01:01:34] virginity I lost with a girl's first year college. Oh, how was that?
[01:01:39] She would probably say it was not the greatest right fuck ever right right it was fine like
[01:01:44] Um and then like I was doing like in high school. I would like maybe do like weird stuff with dudes, but it wasn't like
[01:01:52] Yeah, it was the kind of shit. Yeah, it's the stuff where I still feel like I could do with Adam now and it wouldn't be gay
[01:01:56] Right, right, right. Yeah, they taught themselves out of it ever happened. It wouldn't be gay be like sleepover wrestling
[01:02:01] Oh, did your cock slip into my mouth? Yeah, like touching like yeah, it's funny to be naked
[01:02:06] Right, right. You know what I mean? That's a funny bit. Yeah is to be naked with people like your friend. That's hilarious
[01:02:14] It's funny when will Ferrell's right. I go to get down the street and the bathhouse is
[01:02:24] Yeah, he's funny stuff's happening over there. Russian mobsters. Yeah, you like run bits by them
[01:02:28] I go up and down, you know, the jersey turnpike and I go in the truck stop restrooms. Yep. Oh, yeah, and I work on my craft
[01:02:35] Yeah, imagine like doing bits like through a glory hole. Yeah. Yeah. What's the deal?
[01:02:59] I told you that story that my friend ryan told me about the glory hole guy in the south
[01:03:03] So there's this like guys like says like an old fucking legend. I don't know. I've told nick
[01:03:24] Yeah, so this guy's like his whole issue and causes glory holes like shutting down glory hole shutting them down or shutting them down
[01:03:35] Our glory holes in the south like how inconvenient in pornography stores and truck stops there really
[01:03:42] Both Jackals restaurant. Yeah, exactly. So what he does is he entraps men go into use a glory hole by taking pictures of their penis
[01:03:50] When they put it in the glory hole and then are you kidding threatens them with those pictures and says I'm gonna send this to your family
[01:03:58] And then like blackmails them. This is a weirdest fetish
[01:04:00] Like he's clearly like somebody's gonna be like well. Yep. That's my son's penis
[01:04:14] Like cool their husband over like is this Jimmy's car
[01:04:17] But he's clearly like a like a repressed gay guy. He's using a Christianity any dude who goes hey
[01:04:23] I'm a real Christian. Here's what I'm gonna spend my life doing photographing glory
[01:04:40] That mushroom head pokes to the glory down he feels alive dude. He's throwing over here
[01:05:00] By the way, you would eight and a half black cut for a Pikachu
[01:05:04] You see wives coming in to try to identify their husband's cock
[01:05:10] By the way that guy just did that because he got caught at a glory hole one day
[01:05:13] And he's like um, I'm here to stop people be like it's like the eiken wall Pete Townsend like oh
[01:05:19] I was only downloading massive amounts of child pornography so I could
[01:05:23] Complain about it was research. Well, I just love the idea that like I love the idea that that guy supposedly goes to some like
[01:05:29] Conservative church where he's got to meet people and tell them what he does. Yeah
[01:05:32] Listen how I get these queers. I take a photo with their cock. Yeah as soon as it's like
[01:05:37] I got thousands of them. You know, he sucked at least eight dicks. You got him at that point
[01:05:42] What are you gonna do? You're there you're there. I mean, you know, he's also had to appreciate a few dicks
[01:05:48] It went to the glory hole. He went yeah, even if he's not nice. Yeah, he's not gay. He has to go
[01:05:52] Hey, I gotta be honest. Yeah, that's it. I'm sure there's a few guys. He didn't even take a photo
[01:05:56] He's like he's gonna be honest. I have nothing but respect for you
[01:06:00] You know the heft the heft on that cock
[01:06:05] Well, we're pretty much wrapped up. Yeah, okay. We got fucking funny mom. No, let's let Tim plug his stuff first. Oh, thank you
[01:06:16] Tim bill comedy calm you can sign up for the my mailing list
[01:06:18] I do a show on a bust things are going well and
[01:06:22] It's a lot of fun to get signed up that if you want I have a podcast called Tim Dylan's going to help you all
[01:06:26] Talk about yeah, listen to that pedophile cults. Um Ray comes on their break comps on their funniest voice and radio
[01:06:32] Yeah, yeah, he's a you know, and does not like a cartoon dog
[01:06:37] We have to talk with the federal reserve for hours as a homeless person
[01:06:40] I really I like I thought that he was like, you know, like he was they had a disability. Oh, yeah
[01:06:49] Number one you're not wrong. Yeah, you know, he would see him in my sense up and then I would read on Facebook
[01:07:01] My agency come on the shows at my age everything Ray is just pouring Jack Daniels in coffee and it's going all over
[01:07:15] Not just like a fucking rules. Yeah, I'll be I'll be at sidesplitters in Tampa
[01:07:25] Tampa in January like a jenya, okay, and then I'll be up left Boston. I'll be at
[01:07:31] In New Hampshire at Shaskin pub and then Portland, Maine. So Tim deal comedy comms got all those dates. Yeah, Tim's funny shit
[01:07:38] Listen to shit. Yeah, definitely. Thanks for coming on. Thank you guys for having me
[01:07:41] We tried the first time you like it was like a year ago and my agent took me to an ice cream museum. Yes
[01:07:55] I don't know I think I lied I'm sick you lied. Yeah, yeah, and then I was funny though
[01:07:59] I was sad at a big like tub of sprinkles. Yeah, yeah
[01:08:06] Fuck yeah, what that noise was that was horrible. Yeah, all right
[01:08:10] We got funny moms coming up on November 27th
[01:08:13] After Thanksgiving I'm gonna be in Baltimore the Wednesday before Thanksgiving the 22nd at sidebar
[01:08:18] Come out to that and I will also be in Cleveland at hilarities Sunday the 3rd of December
[01:08:24] And I got a show in motherfucking Boston the 16th of December so come out to those and we also have the big show
[01:08:31] Come town live 20 see the Christmas spectacular on the 22nd of December of December at the black cat DC
[01:08:39] And ticket the ticket link will be going up should be a lot of people have that I'm doing spots again
[01:08:43] I'm at the stand occasionally. Oh, yeah, yeah, Nick is back. I'm back, baby
[01:08:48] Understand great club. Yeah, no, they're good man. I love that club seriously. Yeah, it attracts a good dude for
[01:08:54] Pizzing. Yeah, knowing that I will bomb he hooks it up
[01:08:57] I'm there I never do well there. You did great the other night. You keep saying you're too much in your head
[01:09:02] I think no this week is really good. Okay, but usually it's it's a rough go of it
[01:09:06] Yeah, and I know this is also coming up going up on Sunday, but thanks to everyone that came out to funny moms this week
[01:09:12] It was a really good one. Oh, yeah, there's a great show. Thanks guys and Brandon didn't bomb
[01:09:16] So that's yeah, it was the first time Brandon didn't completely bomb at the show
[01:09:23] It's kind of you know a wash, but yeah, thanks everybody. Check out your shit. Goodbye