Cum Town | Premium | 01/28/2018
[00:00:00] Okay, come town premium episode number 286,532.
[00:00:12] When we die, it's going to be like Prince when he released all that music.
[00:00:17] We know that would be a cool name for a service for us.
[00:00:23] If the only celebs you can meet are the cast of Star Trek.
[00:00:32] Is Patrick Stewart releases a dating service for women where you can only match with Patrick
[00:00:41] And you pull out your phone and you swipe right on whoever you want, but no matter what,
[00:00:48] When he's on extras and he's pitching his screenplay to Ricky Gervais.
[00:00:53] And he's like, you know, in X-Men, my character, he can control things with his mind.
[00:00:59] But I was thinking, if you could do that in real life.
[00:01:03] So, for example, I see a woman running by and then I just think it in an over-close
[00:01:25] But I do have a appointment with the dentist on Wednesday.
[00:01:29] So, in New Jersey, yes, your character assassinating me.
[00:01:37] You Donald Duck, you goofy, I'ma kill yo ass.
[00:01:46] You're about to get got with you, bitch, and seein' bitch ass.
[00:02:03] So her dad is like the guy that made her, right?
[00:02:11] He said, professor lives in the tower and he's like,
[00:02:12] Sally, I don't want you going out tonight.
[00:02:17] And then she would break curfew by jumping out of the fucking tower and then she'd just
[00:02:22] smash into a million pieces and then sew her like arms and legs.
[00:02:27] Why doesn't the dad just sew her pussy shut?
[00:02:31] That she can't go out and get fucking smashed by Jackson.
[00:02:38] He's got a sharp dick bone that can cut any seams open.
[00:02:41] And that's why, no matter what he does, he'll cut over the pussy.
[00:02:46] Skellington cannot be held from the pussy.
[00:02:49] You don't remember that part of the movie?
[00:02:58] I refer to the pussy as the nightmare before Christmas.
[00:03:04] You got to tolerate fucking the pussy to get to the asshole.
[00:03:14] He thinks pussy is a nightmare and he loves assholes.
[00:03:18] Nick wants to show you his Yule Tied Hog.
[00:03:23] It could have worked a little bit fine.
[00:03:31] I think the implications that she's getting molested.
[00:03:39] Wait, she lives in the Halloween world or the Christmas world?
[00:03:44] The only person that lives in the Christmas world is Santa.
[00:03:59] They go into the Christmas world and kidnap Santa Claus on behalf of the Boogie Man, I
[00:04:07] And the Boogie Man is the bad guy of the night.
[00:04:11] Did you guys have a gay straight alliance in high school, in your high school?
[00:04:19] But do you remember, was it just in my school, but all the-
[00:04:21] No, you're the straight guy, Adam's a gay guy.
[00:04:28] You guys are just two gay and straight people that happen to be around.
[00:04:47] And by that I mean I learn things about people and then broadcast them on my podcast, such
[00:04:59] Well, if we're saying things Ian probably doesn't want to sit on the podcast.
[00:05:12] Yeah, well, we ran your ID and the problem is the agenda comes up as a question mark.
[00:05:23] Any kind of discrepancy you go to fucking jail.
[00:05:26] Hey, look, I don't make the rule a spouse.
[00:05:30] I'm just a fucking I'm a man that didn't choose to be a police officer.
[00:05:34] I'm just doing the job that I chose to do.
[00:05:41] Oh yeah, was it it was the gay straight line?
[00:05:43] So your school just like all straight up Tim Burton nightmare before Christmas slash
[00:05:49] I think that was a good amount of them.
[00:05:54] I think a lot of gay people like invaders.
[00:05:57] It was like the goth kids were the first ones that were brave enough to say they were gay
[00:06:00] I think it's because being goth is gay.
[00:06:03] It kind of like it kind of you know, easily you get.
[00:06:06] Someone sent me a good meme yesterday where it's like a night bowing with a sword.
[00:06:11] And then the night is labeled as like my undying love and affection or whatever.
[00:06:25] Oh, did you get sucked off by any of them in the gay straight alliance?
[00:06:30] He was like a gay kid on my debate team.
[00:06:36] And then the bottom was the female goth games stop imploring.
[00:06:42] The one in Baltimore was chubby but had big old titties.
[00:06:47] Mike is making a weird like staticky clicking noise and I don't know how to get it to stop.
[00:06:53] I have no way of finding out or ever knowing.
[00:06:56] No, you know why a lot of people know we're fine.
[00:06:59] A lot of people don't know this yet, but we're switching studios to the Adam Friedlin
[00:07:18] And not for Adam's safety for mine when I'm here.
[00:07:27] I used to give out his old address all the time.
[00:07:39] My address has to be listed because that is a business address.
[00:07:48] The only hold up is fucking Amber yelled at me one time because I gave Sam Hyde our address.
[00:07:56] Well, he said he was going to send a copy of that book when it came out, but he didn't.
[00:08:02] I guess me and Sam aren't like friends.
[00:08:08] I did see a copy of it at Bobby's house.
[00:08:16] But I think him and Bobby are like good friends.
[00:08:20] Like they've known Bobby was the one that showed me world peace before it like aired.
[00:08:24] Oh, did Bobby do something with the Dulsom before Bobby does a lot of shit?
[00:08:29] Dude, I rewatched Lost Soul, the Richard Stanley documentary and Bobby's name is in the credits.
[00:08:34] He's like boys with Richard Stanley, I guess.
[00:08:39] Yeah, it's Paul Stanley's brother from.
[00:08:43] Paul Stanley's brother is in a band called Suck.
[00:09:02] And it's about your movie Detroit Rock City.
[00:09:12] No, he's I don't remember what he's because he was in like his credits and I looked it up
[00:09:19] Yeah, but that was in the height of my classic rock days.
[00:09:35] I was really into them, but I thought that people thought they were cool.
[00:09:40] Do you remember the moment where you find out that the doors sucked?
[00:09:45] Yeah, that's one of those ones you realize in your mid teens is like the doors and supply
[00:09:50] and you're like, oh, this is really bad.
[00:09:54] But Santa Maria still, you know, it plugs into something when I was 13 and I was like
[00:09:59] I really didn't even say it through a breakup.
[00:10:11] He's like going to beat up the guy or something.
[00:10:13] No, he's going to beat up the woman and that awful Mexican American she left them for.
[00:10:20] I'm going to find that Santa Maria and that dirty spick she's dating.
[00:10:34] Santa Maria is like some weird Caribbean Catholic religion.
[00:10:50] Yeah, but that's a song you listen to before you smoke weed and you think about how cool
[00:10:57] That was the sublime cover of two joints.
[00:10:59] Before I started smoking weed, I was like, when I started doing it.
[00:11:04] I'm going to listen to it's going to be cool.
[00:11:06] And then the last day of school, I'm going to play schools out for summer when I get
[00:11:12] I was like, I'm going to smoke two joints in my car and listen to two joints by sublime.
[00:11:19] And then the last day of school, I'm playing schools out for summer.
[00:11:22] It's so funny to remember all your gauge out of this fantasy.
[00:11:26] I remember when I was like five, I imagined myself as the leader of like a gang of, but
[00:11:34] And we would all in my head, how I pictured us is just leather daddy's exactly.
[00:11:38] No, remember when I was saying I want to be a rockabilly?
[00:11:43] We don't have leather jackets and greaser hair.
[00:11:48] For some reason, even though we're still five, a group of where a homosexual five
[00:11:54] year olds walking, walking down the middle of the street, for some reason, spinning chains.
[00:12:00] Yeah, you just whistle and they listen to you.
[00:12:05] I wanted to whistle with two fingers so bad.
[00:12:12] I remember being in the shower growing up thinking about like, yeah, one day when I get that
[00:12:19] And that's what I thought I looked like.
[00:12:21] And then when I remember when I first registered my, I was like, what the fuck?
[00:12:31] What were your guess childhood fantasies?
[00:12:35] I used to think being a hippie was cool.
[00:12:49] No, there was like, there was like 70s like bell bottom revival in the mid 90s.
[00:12:54] Those are that 70s show and some other things.
[00:13:02] Do you know what's crazy is like that 70s show came out in the 90s.
[00:13:06] So that would be like, if you had a show now, it would be like that 90s show and it came
[00:13:17] It's almost like if you had a show that about like the knots.
[00:13:19] That's how much fucking time is passed.
[00:13:23] We're going to be excited to be a 20s guy because one, I'm like six weeks away from just having
[00:13:35] I'm ready to go wolf Wall Street, dude.
[00:13:36] I'm going to have no titties and big arms by being an intelligence broker.
[00:13:41] And I'm going to be completely bald and hairless.
[00:13:46] Meantime, we're going to get those leather jackets in the chain.
[00:13:49] And we're going to walk up and down the street twirling the chains.
[00:13:56] That's like a cool 50s bald guy nickname.
[00:14:29] I think he was only in like, you think he's like in 100 episodes.
[00:14:32] He's like in like seven episodes or something.
[00:14:40] Lumen's probably only in like 20 episodes.
[00:14:44] You know who the after all the main people.
[00:14:49] Oh, someone who listens to the show, please do this.
[00:14:51] Take do a super cut of Jerry saying hello, Newman, but put a beep right after the end.
[00:15:02] And that's like the, that's the relationship to.
[00:15:11] Newman becomes a much more sympathetic person.
[00:15:21] Newman becomes a much more sympathetic figure.
[00:15:24] He's saying hate speech for no reason to him.
[00:15:30] He's a postal delivery man and this rich fucking Santa comic called him the N word all the time.
[00:15:40] I mean I was assumed Newman was Jewish.
[00:15:47] I keep calling it the X and they were passive aggressively correcting me in the store.
[00:15:52] I was like, do you have the case for the X?
[00:15:55] They're like, case for the 10 coming right up.
[00:16:01] They would be like, yeah, we got a case for the 10.
[00:16:06] Because I'm assuming the nine's going to come out and it's going to be the same thing
[00:16:11] And the seven is the same size as the six with a different button.
[00:16:18] And we're trapped because imagine having green bubbles.
[00:16:20] The only good thing Apple makes is the fucking I'm back in that.
[00:16:24] I'd rather have HIV than the eye pussy.
[00:16:29] I get all the Apple emails and I got this home pod coming out, which is like a Lexi, except
[00:16:39] Yeah, it just sits up with your Apple music.
[00:16:45] So like the sonic quality, which I do have like a shitty $30 Bluetooth speaker in my room
[00:16:50] that I might upgrade or I might move into the bathroom.
[00:16:56] The shower speaker is a big shower speaker is tight and it's also like because I have
[00:17:00] the watch you can take the watch in the shower and you can play music from the watch.
[00:17:04] I'm getting like respond to text while I'm showering.
[00:17:10] I'm going off the grid by being so long.
[00:17:14] No, off the grid in my world means you stop wearing clothes or leaving your apartment.
[00:17:22] The grid to me is interacting with people in person and having any kind of social life
[00:17:28] So the actual grid is what you're being on.
[00:17:35] I'm on the grid, the gay related immunodeficiency.
[00:17:43] Free watch Dallas Buyers Club the other night.
[00:17:47] What did you think of it the second time?
[00:17:50] I kind of like almost any movie McConaughey's in.
[00:17:53] He's just so charismatic and from the watch that even if it is objectively not a good
[00:18:02] Like I really hated what was that Nolan movie?
[00:18:08] Like I'll watch McConaughey be like I just want to see my daughter again.
[00:18:15] Was his daughter old when he came back?
[00:18:18] Whoa, yeah he fucks his daughter as a 90 year old woman.
[00:18:29] Well first rule of time travel is if you come back and your child is older than the age
[00:18:33] you are when you come back then you could have sex with them.
[00:18:38] The second one is don't touch anything except for your daughter's pussy.
[00:18:44] I had a movie idea called Skinception, right?
[00:18:47] Where you go to sleep and in the dream world you're a black man.
[00:18:53] You can change, you understand with a dark skinned life.
[00:18:58] But then you go to sleep as a black man, boom you're Chinese.
[00:19:03] You like just got used to just dropping and bombs left and right.
[00:19:07] You're like, you're like maybe six or seven hours into being a black guy.
[00:19:12] You're in line of Panera Bread just calling strangers and we're smiling at them.
[00:19:16] And you're like, this is the greatest feeling I've ever had in my life.
[00:19:20] And then boom you just pass out in your Chinese.
[00:19:24] And then you're saying it and people are like, I don't know if this is cool.
[00:19:29] You're a black person who has become Chinese.
[00:19:35] Yeah, but you're already a white man that became black.
[00:19:39] So you are a white guy that became black that became Chinese.
[00:19:51] When it's about one thing, you know, so they make a movie, you know, and you know, you think
[00:19:56] it's about Jesus, but actually it's about 9-11.
[00:20:00] Welcome to the most intellectual fucking movie of all time.
[00:20:03] It's called Frankie's Pizza and it's about a pizza shop, but it's actually about Jesus.
[00:20:17] That's how we get it into the criterion collection.
[00:20:20] Make sure there's a poor guy who has a different life than a rich man.
[00:20:26] And then one of them is Jesus and the other one is a twin tower.
[00:20:32] What was that ouwe-v-bowl movie where he's a fucking, you drive the planes into the towers
[00:20:41] Dude, is there a Grand Theft Auto video?
[00:20:44] He's made a movie about every video game that's ever come out.
[00:20:49] A braided R Candy Crush movie by Vable.
[00:20:52] Where fucking peppermint peat gets raped.
[00:20:58] I mean, some of those candy crush characters, if you make them sexy, would be awesome.
[00:21:10] No, he did like blood rain and fucking hit man.
[00:21:17] Was there, there was an Assassin's Creed movie that came out?
[00:21:24] He's the, I think the best living actor.
[00:21:34] He's like he makes a movie every couple.
[00:21:35] We watched a trailer for a movie last night.
[00:21:36] It's like, hey, wire, starring Fastbender.
[00:21:47] It's like, I have no idea what this movie is.
[00:21:50] Bro, I saw, I saw, I was going through HBO on HBO Go right now.
[00:21:53] There's a movie with young Dave Chappelle, Norm Macdonald, and Danny DeVito.
[00:22:04] But it's got to be bad because we've never heard of it.
[00:22:06] And it's like, the plot is Norm Macdonald's a rich ladies butler.
[00:22:08] And they try and, and Danny DeVito works in a morgue.
[00:22:13] And they try and kidnap the ladies dog or some sh**.
[00:22:17] It looks like sh**, but I'm going to get f**king stupid stone and watch it.
[00:22:22] The revenge movies going happening right now.
[00:22:25] I really want to see Proud Mary, which is...
[00:22:31] Yeah, that's showing up at The Draft House.
[00:22:33] I want to see that Chinese crime thriller animated movie.
[00:22:37] I'm going to go and movie past it this week.
[00:22:58] Lucky good, lucky, lucky good time ferris.
[00:23:16] That's certainly not a joke we've done on this show.
[00:23:25] It's just Liam Neesom on a train again.
[00:23:27] And then the one I'm really stiffed up for is
[00:23:31] I mean, it's just be a stop right there.
[00:23:38] and he gets on the phone with the bad guys.
[00:23:40] He's like, I think the British are coming here.
[00:23:46] He's like, that's why I'm hoping Hillary wins.
[00:23:53] And then they just grafting the greatest daughter.
[00:24:06] Does he say a comedian or the comedian?
[00:24:30] for fictional venues in the middle of the country.
[00:24:35] That always felt like a little too mean.
[00:24:38] Tom didn't know that I considered him a laughing stock
[00:24:46] I had just been fucking with him the entire time.
[00:24:48] I think he doesn't realize everyone does.
[00:24:52] If he does, I mean, imagine the moment he realized it.
[00:24:56] Literally everyone is just mocking him.
[00:25:04] No, I used to pile around with this crew
[00:25:13] because she like fucking either like added me
[00:25:17] on some kind of social media or something
[00:25:21] hey, you don't subscribe to my blog or whatever.
[00:25:24] I'm like, yeah, I don't have any interest
[00:25:27] And then she like sent me some shitty email back
[00:25:29] that's like, we're supposed to support each other.
[00:25:31] I'm like, I have no fucking idea who you are.
[00:25:41] Wait, was she the one that was like Starbucks girl
[00:25:44] No, she was like, her whole thing was she's like,
[00:25:48] but she's just like moved around a lot.
[00:25:54] She's like, as soon as I start getting established
[00:25:56] in one place, I end up leaving and going somewhere else.
[00:25:58] It's like, what do you mean by established?
[00:26:01] You mean people have resigned to the fact
[00:26:08] There's a gentleman in DC who had a really funny line
[00:26:10] where he's like, every time I leave a city,
[00:26:14] Yeah, I was in Austin, I left, it blew up.
[00:26:26] And then, yeah, I guess it was him and Bender
[00:26:30] and Erwin and that was like, that whole crew.
[00:26:33] And so it's like this kind of mutual delusion
[00:26:37] But everyone that's left except the only person
[00:26:40] still kicking is he's the last of the mother fucking mohekin
[00:26:43] That's why we gotta support and appreciate him.
[00:26:46] Well, he quit comedy for a while to call little E games
[00:26:52] I think that was just a fellow passionate.
[00:26:55] He was not only in the games, it was the Aberdeen Iron Birds.
[00:27:02] We're going out of rants about two or three.
[00:27:03] Immediately recorded seven different albums.
[00:27:08] so he's had, he has a podcast though, does he?
[00:27:12] Someone sent me, no, he's doing a new album
[00:27:30] And he was like, Mr. Apatow, thank you so much.
[00:27:33] If you could please retweet this next tweet.
[00:27:42] and he was like tweeting at Keith Olverman.
[00:27:51] Words of mass destruction was the old one.
[00:28:01] But I mean, he's recording a UCD thing you know.
[00:28:03] We've already told the story of how me and Nick
[00:28:07] You were straight up disrespecting him during your set.
[00:28:11] I remember the one thing you said was like,
[00:28:14] And you were like, what if in Bel Air and LA,
[00:28:16] there's a not shitty comedian named Tom Myers
[00:28:47] I remember like fucking, I showed up and I went up to Tom.
[00:28:51] And he was like, no, he's like, I just have like a food tab.
[00:28:53] I'm like, well, can you like get me a drink on your food tabs
[00:28:56] since I came up here and I'm getting paid.
[00:28:58] And I like, you went out there to mock him.
[00:29:04] He's like any of the money I made for the show,
[00:29:07] I had to pay for Ron Bender's bus ticket up here.
[00:29:13] Ron was just drinking flat Diet Coke out of his own big gold.
[00:29:23] And like, he wasn't for like, you know,
[00:29:25] that type of comedian that used to be able to exist, which
[00:29:28] is like a guy who has nothing other than just like sort
[00:29:39] How you get in bed with a guy named Tom Myers, you know,
[00:29:44] You're just a nice person who just keeps doing him favors.
[00:29:48] Yeah, I mean, imagine if you had a couple months later
[00:29:50] when I like told people about Tom Myers on social media,
[00:29:55] I started telling people about nine in or Tom Myers or whatever.
[00:29:58] And Tom realized I was making fun of him.
[00:29:59] He tried to like shame me for like, oh, yeah,
[00:30:01] remember when you asked me for drinks at the show,
[00:30:05] because you're a fucking degenerate alcoholic.
[00:30:08] And it's like, yeah, that's kind of part of my thing.
[00:30:29] Nick Molland tried to get free whiskey.
[00:30:32] But I do think that Tom is like, you know, a pure soul.
[00:30:37] And I think nine in is obviously Satan incarnate.
[00:30:41] No, Tom's just not as competent as nine.
[00:30:54] I guess nine in was at a Bitcoin conference recently.
[00:30:59] People were sending me pictures they took with him.
[00:31:02] He keeps just some whatever recording of his set.
[00:31:09] Apparently it was someone trying to charge the new Samsung
[00:31:24] Everyone's thinking is what race is this guy?
[00:31:48] I guess we're writing this elevator together.
[00:31:51] Hey, you don't mind if I just try to charge my phone for this.
[00:31:58] Go ahead and go ahead and charge your phone.
[00:32:00] I'm just going to stand here and be half Indian, half Japanese.
[00:32:11] Little did he know the Samsung Galaxy S8 blew up her something and merged the two of
[00:32:18] them into the world's shittiest comedian.
[00:32:25] Starring Steve Bushemi in brown face as Tom Nynan.
[00:32:31] Yeah, I'm kind of hoping Hillary wins because I'm half Indian, half Japanese and I hear
[00:32:48] Are you talking about eating Hillary Clinton supposed to?
[00:32:53] I tell you where I get my sushi from, the Bill de Burgh group.
[00:33:02] I get my sushi from 7-11 which I also work at.
[00:33:40] Starring, Wilford Brimley as Ron Bender.
[00:33:48] Starring Christian Bale and his fattest role ever as Irwin.
[00:33:53] Oh yeah, if you have Jewish, you have Japanese.
[00:34:02] Oh, this photo is shopping a picture of, it's like a picture of Christian Bale and his wife
[00:34:08] walking yesterday and I was photo shopping and I made him like seven inches shorter than
[00:34:14] I was a caption with Christian Bale and it's at 5-2 for his next role.
[00:34:20] I'm fucking mad he's Cheney dude, I should have been Cheney.
[00:34:26] He also doesn't really look like Cheney.
[00:34:27] Not at all, it looks like Uncle Fester.
[00:34:29] The man just loves destroying his body for movies.
[00:34:32] Yeah, at this point he literally must have some kind of weird fetish for that shit.
[00:34:37] The machinist, my man was looking skinnier than my dick, I mean Adam's dick.
[00:34:42] And then fucking bulks up for his Batman.
[00:34:50] He had that weird, he came through like four months later looking like frog.
[00:34:57] You're just weak and you don't understand how a man's body is supposed to change.
[00:35:01] I'm going to get into like, you know you aren't.
[00:35:05] Whatever you're going to say, you're never going to get into.
[00:35:20] Are you friends with anyone with tongue rings?
[00:35:28] What are the kind of rings that you like?
[00:35:32] He's sonic the hedgehog, but he's the sonic the fuck haught, the cum haught.
[00:35:36] And he's the fastest guy to come once something's in.
[00:35:40] When a fox is two dicks is inserted into his ass.
[00:35:47] Adam's in a video game called heads and tails.
[00:35:57] Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do.
[00:36:24] I got how about this onion rings and a guy puts a bunch of onion rings on his dick.
[00:36:28] It's M&M spitting in your onion rings, but he's spitting common to the onion rings
[00:36:31] and Adam's Adam's Adam's like, Oh, did you come in this?
[00:36:48] How about the exercise rings on the Apple Watch that Adam closes by engaging in?
[00:36:53] What are the exercise rings on the Apple Watch?
[00:36:55] Heavy petting with the these I'll show them to you.
[00:37:13] I already did my exercise for the day, which I don't remember doing.
[00:37:19] So I wake up eating off and then I get pissed off about something.
[00:37:32] I think I've ever seen a man on a stairmaster.
[00:37:36] The exercise makes for women that they retired and they're all the stairmasters.
[00:37:41] I don't know what the fuck you assholes are talking about.
[00:37:43] Going upstairs, athletes do that type of shit.
[00:37:49] What do you mean you don't have access?
[00:37:50] You want to run up and down my fucking apartment building like an asshole?
[00:37:56] Also then go to a fucking, you have the same access as stairs at any of us do.
[00:38:01] Go to a fucking high school and use their.
[00:38:03] What am I going to knock on the door of a fucking high school?
[00:38:05] Literally right across the street from your apartment.
[00:38:07] Yeah, it wouldn't want to knock and be like, Hey, I just want to run up and down.
[00:38:11] You have free access to any adult man has free access to any public school in New York.
[00:38:23] And if you're not allowed within a hundred yards, you shouldn't have to pay.
[00:38:25] Fat men are allowed in any space that they choose.
[00:38:35] You rent a moon bounce every day for exercise.
[00:38:42] If you slam through your bedroom ceiling.
[00:38:44] Well, this is like, jacking off the bedroom.
[00:38:52] You lay the woman down and then you go up a high dive.
[00:38:56] And then you fucking go dick first into a pussy.
[00:38:59] Trampoline goes all the way down to the ground and then bounces back up and it just launches
[00:39:10] And then you come down with a lot of fucking.
[00:39:16] Especially when you're working with, you know, this little pipe arena I got.
[00:39:20] And it's actually legal to kill a woman if you're doing it.
[00:39:26] You can come in murder as long as it's with your penis on a trampoline.
[00:39:30] I'm waiting for the Cirque de Soleil to get hit by me too.
[00:39:45] David Copperfield was like accused of rape like 15 years ago.
[00:39:50] And then they just buried the lawsuit with money because David Copperfield is one of those
[00:39:56] David Copperfield is like probably if you're going to believe all that pedogate shit.
[00:40:01] Wasn't he married to like Claudia Schiffer or something or something like super bottle?
[00:40:29] I've been living a nice life and I haven't been reading the news.
[00:40:36] I've been hanging out with comics again and none of them know anything about shit.
[00:40:43] I mean you guys are a little bit more tapped into stuff than most.
[00:40:47] You go hang out at the stand and you talk to people and they're like you know who's Donald
[00:41:06] Okay so apparently a woman is accusing David Copperfield of sexually assaulting her during
[00:41:14] He sexually assaulted British model on stage during his act.
[00:41:22] A British beauty queen claims magician David Copperfield sexually assaulted her on stage.
[00:41:26] She says he molested her while performing a trick in front of hundreds of people in
[00:41:34] If you can like molest someone and no one know.
[00:41:50] Okay so they were performing a graffiti trick.
[00:41:54] One of my main beliefs is penis in Adam's mouth.
[00:41:58] Oh this is a great quote from the woman.
[00:42:03] The thing about magic is the deception and that's what he did when the audience, that's
[00:42:08] what he did with the audience when he assaulted me.
[00:42:13] I've had a movie called Deception right and it's where you go to sleep and someone has
[00:42:16] Then you go even further asleep and you're like wait now I'm being have sex with you.
[00:42:23] Now I'm really being have sex with you.
[00:42:26] You also get better grammar as you go deeper into that.
[00:42:41] I become more illiterate as time goes on dude.
[00:42:44] Because I stopped reading and now I'm like worse at saying things.
[00:42:49] I'm going to try and read 12 books this year dude.
[00:43:07] But it's one of those things where you use the secret.
[00:43:22] Like a guy who lives in Astoria and his dad dies in 9-11.
[00:43:29] So he decides he's going to get into making his dick grow big.
[00:43:35] So he gets into jelking and then he meets a girl who has autism.
[00:43:45] Maybe he works in a mail room somewhere.
[00:43:51] I'm writing the indie romantic comedy of the year right now.
[00:44:00] It's called fatter louder smaller penis.
[00:44:16] And it's got that uptight Asian girl that used to be in all those movies.
[00:44:27] The one that David Cross said like Chingen Chalk.
[00:44:35] I mean then again he was on like a show with Michael Sarah and friends with him.
[00:44:39] He probably just thought she'd think it was funny.
[00:44:49] It's also it was like people forget that like four years ago no one had a problem with any
[00:44:58] Obama didn't think gay people should get married the first time he ran for fucking president.
[00:45:05] You can say whatever the fuck you wanted like.
[00:45:13] And as we proven there's a market for it.
[00:45:20] My fucking eyelids cut off and replaced.
[00:45:28] I'm scared that someone's going to shoot.
[00:45:32] Because he's hurting all the cum acidic cum is hurting your eyelids.
[00:45:43] We've decided we said we were going to be nicer to Adam when he got back from Africa.
[00:45:47] The first episode we had back from Africa.
[00:46:00] Yeah you should have had some of that breakfast.
[00:46:17] You went to Africa and you got me a fucking mask that doesn't fit.
[00:46:20] Well I don't know the size of your face when I'm out there.
[00:46:22] It's obviously not this is a child's face.
[00:46:26] No it's a it's a for a woman or a smaller man.
[00:46:29] This is not this clearly does not fit my fucking face.
[00:46:36] What do you want to do with a decorative mask?
[00:46:40] I wanted like this but to put on and then it turns me green and I get really into swing
[00:46:48] You made that point which I agreed with.
[00:46:55] I'll have a call correctly I don't remember laughing at a single fucking thing you said.
[00:46:59] I said yes that's the kind of mask I want.
[00:47:08] No okay so I'll just go back I'll just get another.
[00:47:10] Go back to Africa and get me the right size.
[00:47:20] I don't know if those two goza women that I was that women I bought it from.
[00:47:40] We used to laugh when I worked with the cell phone kiosk about some African guy my my co-worker
[00:47:45] saw who's saying his name is my name is Nompule.
[00:47:53] Yeah you know which is weird because you think too and now I'll say this as an anthropologist
[00:48:02] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
[00:48:11] Their brain good afternoon my name is Nompule.
[00:48:24] Wow dude I didn't realize what a scientist you were.
[00:48:36] Anyways that's for the bullshit mask I guess.
[00:48:42] That Sarang was an afterthought I could tell.
[00:48:53] That's the thing that lets you like breastfeed your child.
[00:48:55] Like a you could wear it like as a dress.
[00:49:00] Like when you're getting out of the shower.
[00:49:17] Did I get a sword too if I'm a warrior?
[00:49:23] My girlfriend showed me she has a CSA sword.
[00:49:36] You get one if you have a sex with 200 guys before you date Adam.
[00:49:51] If you have sex with a hundred versions of guys that have the opposite of whatever
[00:50:03] You know a guy that reads the news better than Adam does.
[00:50:18] I think I have feminine wrists and hands.
[00:50:21] I don't feel like I have a man's hands.
[00:50:24] Yeah they're like lady like your whole fucking demeanor.
[00:50:33] You wouldn't say you wouldn't say you're real and sure.
[00:50:36] It's taken me years to admit both of those things.
[00:50:47] If I came back my nose was like upturned.
[00:51:04] I can only just blonde hair and blue contacts.
[00:51:12] Why do they upturned him during rhinoplasty?
[00:51:38] It's a nose that a fucking guy with a broadsword would have.
[00:51:43] You know I never really noticed it but I want to draw your nose now.
[00:51:48] The light hits it in so many different places.
[00:51:54] Your nostrils look sort of carved out of stone.
[00:52:15] You know what the Dominican lady told me that was doing my makeup before I went on the Israel news?
[00:52:19] She said that I had the best eyebrows she's ever seen on the man.
[00:52:29] I don't know if you guys are interested.
[00:52:35] A professional makeup artist said that if I meant so.
[00:52:40] I'm just telling you that's a compliment that I received in the last two weeks.
[00:52:46] Are we gonna get assassinated by Israel now?
[00:52:49] Someone was trying to hack my Twitter this week.
[00:52:54] I got like a million texts in a row like a password change reset.
[00:52:59] New York Attorney General to investigate firm that sells fake followers.
[00:53:13] Adam and I have a hundred thousand fake followers.
[00:53:17] No but I also have no involvement in Wall Street as well.
[00:53:23] Impersonation and deception are illegal under New York law.
[00:53:27] Dude Dan Nieden's going to jail for fake followers.
[00:53:36] Why in what world should that be illegal is having fake Twitter followers?
[00:53:39] Obviously I didn't read the story so there might be some other shit going on.
[00:53:45] Yes I'm mad at the idea that somebody would want fake followers to be against the fucking
[00:53:58] Like any major account like with over a million followers has a ton of fake followers.
[00:54:10] You can do an audit of someone's account and see like what percentage are real and
[00:54:15] It's a gross thing where you're just picking your boogers and wiping them on a fucking...
[00:54:22] I'm not trying to look at your fucking boogers dude.
[00:54:24] I'm not trying to look at your fucked up boogers.
[00:54:29] Yeah that sounds like a waste of taxpayer money.
[00:54:37] Yeah I don't see that they're doing anything wrong other than being corny as fucking...
[00:54:41] Yeah it says that they're using real people's information.
[00:54:47] What do you mean they're using real people's information?
[00:54:52] Pictures and shimples pictures and yeah.
[00:54:53] I don't know their names or you know whatever.
[00:55:07] Yeah but I did get a note from Omri at the Shin Bet Command.
[00:55:11] Yeah no he's a guy that works for like the Israeli FBI.
[00:55:24] They're like actually the racist guy made the app.
[00:55:38] They sound like a French version of Scrooge McDuck.
[00:55:45] French is nicer I think than the Israeli.
[00:55:51] I'm probably not allowed back in that country.
[00:55:54] Did somebody from Shin Bet actually tell you they like to...
[00:55:58] No but I was like getting scared that like I would someone would try to come for me.
[00:56:05] I can't wait till you get assassinated.
[00:56:07] Because there was also that Richard Spencer and then those psychos or like maybe...
[00:56:13] The Richard Spencer squad or the Israel squad I think you know.
[00:56:17] Come for you for what reason for saying Israel is cool.
[00:56:20] I just look at all that like pro-trail.
[00:56:22] But you went on the show and you came off like a really stupid and articulate.
[00:56:30] So if anything it helps the case for Israel.
[00:56:34] You came off like one of those like SJW kids that gets owned by fucking Ben Shapiro.
[00:56:47] Is he debates this mentally retarded 19 year old.
[00:56:52] Stood up to ask a question already shaking and pouring tears out of their eyes.
[00:56:58] Definitely an emotionally stable person that has an argument that they thought out.
[00:57:02] Yeah I didn't do that good of a job but I don't think they cheated a good job either.
[00:57:08] I thought it was just a pretty boring...
[00:57:09] Well she did a better job than you did.
[00:57:14] I'm going based on what other people told me.
[00:57:17] No I don't have time for this shit dude.
[00:57:19] I've got lawsuits I'm fucking dealing with.
[00:57:26] I've got a... action is being taken against the entire country of Korea.
[00:57:43] I'm going to be out of this Korean so he doesn't have kneecaps.
[00:57:51] Instead of genuflecting like normal people.
[00:57:58] When you put the sword down and kneel in front of the sword.
[00:58:11] Twenty piece chicken, McDonald and please.
[00:58:15] I am on my way to GameStop to purchase the new pornography game.
[00:58:25] Remember that when Xbox came out and they were like that's going to be the thing dude.
[00:58:32] They had that BMXXX and then Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball.
[00:58:37] Oh do I remember Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball?
[00:58:45] No one gives a shit about Leisure Suit Larry.
[00:58:55] I think you can get like you can get chlamydia in the game.
[00:59:01] They came out this week and said that they're now making porn where they take actresses like
[00:59:17] Bro like it's a video like an actress on like a naked ladies party.
[00:59:26] That's the sound to me listening to you too much.
[00:59:28] Go off about something you don't know you're talking about.
[00:59:33] Dude I've been learning a lot in these last couple of days.
[00:59:38] You know what I'm excited for is the Wii game.
[00:59:40] I was trying to tell you to think about the Wii game where you use the Wii remote to simulate
[00:59:50] You put a couple of those like you know how they have.
[00:59:52] What I want to do is you put a VR helmet on right?
[00:59:56] And then you have one of the PlayStation move controllers.
[01:00:01] But in the VR thing it changes it so it's just your hand.
[01:00:05] And then you can fuck an actual woman to simulate jacking off.
[01:00:15] Well you don't have to do the nightmare before.
[01:00:21] Alright well I don't think we have anything to plug other than carolines.
[01:00:36] Well once I saw the size of that mask I knew I was in for a bad day.
[01:00:44] You know what I do actually appreciate it.
[01:00:46] It's great thank you for bringing this.
[01:00:56] What it's for is for the strings I'll put through it to turn it into a necklace.
[01:01:04] Yeah and then one of those like beaded necklaces with like a wooden Africa.
[01:01:19] Yeah well they just did that she's got to have it.
[01:01:23] Like there's going to be a resurgence of early 90s.
[01:01:30] Yeah but it doesn't matter whether it was good or bad.
[01:01:32] But you know what it's also like this is already that's already come.
[01:01:35] There's already plenty of early 90s shit.
[01:01:37] Like a lot of black people have those circular glasses again now like black hipsters or
[01:01:47] Starter shit three years ago was relegated to being like two more.
[01:01:51] And then a couple actually a former giant he bought he bought starter and he's like Michael
[01:02:03] He was on he played on the other side opposite LT.
[01:02:05] He bought starter and he's like a fashion guy and he's like he's making some cool shit.
[01:02:14] So also to promote this is a premium episode but if you want there's actually two episodes
[01:02:19] a week you can listen to the regular show.
[01:02:25] Please don't delete your account though even though there's already a free one.
[01:02:31] It's a very modest thing that we ask for $50,000 a month.
[01:02:35] Also I'd like to promote culture too by Migos is out now if you want to get it on any stream.
[01:02:43] I know just listen to it for the first time.
[01:02:45] I just bought Apple music so I can listen to it.
[01:02:48] Remember Miguel what happened to Miguel.
[01:02:52] Did you see that jump he did at a concert where he like three years ago.
[01:02:55] Yeah yeah he like almost decapitated with his nuts.
[01:03:02] Yeah so shout out to Miguel shout out to Jideana.
[01:03:09] Hey you listening to Jideana and you can be a classic man like me if you just listen to
[01:03:33] This is Bruno Mars and you're listening to 97.9.
[01:03:37] And you can be a classic man just like my good friend Miguel here.
[01:03:48] Yeah Bruno we're going to have to go again man.
[01:04:04] Jideana and fucking who's the third guy.
[01:04:07] I don't know why that's making me last.
[01:04:18] Gang also I will be if you're in Philadelphia I will be there March 17th.
[01:04:22] What's up Philadelphia city of brotherly.
[01:04:40] Philadelphia A.K.A. the seventh borough.
[01:04:56] Man I can't wait to smoke weed and do this for six hours.