Cum Town | Premium | 03/04/2018
[00:00:00] my cock my cock my tiny little cock sucking off
[00:00:06] uh... cumbulls compound premium that's right you stupid guess what this is the
[00:00:19] because thing i can't really tell you why the show's been good lately
[00:00:25] yeah just this feeling i think yeah it's just been fun to see you like
[00:00:29] three episodes ago yeah something like that you know i might just be there
[00:00:33] in a story of which is yeah those are projects the fun story of our yet so
[00:00:38] the story is cool and the weather's been shitty so i think that that's kinda
[00:00:42] it's definitely that's been cheering me up who knows man
[00:00:45] yeah there's really no way to tell what variable is different
[00:00:50] so we'll just have to do it fortunately for whatever reason i don't think there's
[00:00:53] anyone on this episode who knows how to do math
[00:00:56] figuring out that variable you know the show had somebody that knew how to do
[00:01:01] math maybe you know we could tell you what was
[00:01:04] what was making it better but i feel like it would also make the show worse
[00:01:08] yeah it would make it gay if there was someone that was uh... in some
[00:01:11] fashions yeah if there was like a guy that was smart for this show but
[00:01:16] dumb for travel for any other specifically chap or the rest of the world
[00:01:21] show like that you know yeah yeah not specifically chap but trap house but
[00:01:25] i'm matching a guy hypothetical of course
[00:01:28] who for a while was you know just trying to use this show to get on chap
[00:01:37] you realize socialism wasn't as cool as
[00:01:42] you know yeah a guy like that a hypothetical guy like that just say
[00:01:47] turning just coming back from Las Vegas
[00:01:51] a theoretical you know not a real person but if there was a guy
[00:02:02] oh boy yeah yeah i can't wait to do the show again fellas
[00:02:11] uh fuck dude yeah well well hey man no need no need to dwell on that you know
[00:02:16] yeah it's enjoy the time we have together yeah dude it's been it's been
[00:02:20] i've had it's been one week since i sucked a dick
[00:02:24] who my pastor that makes me not gay anymore
[00:02:28] or else bam it's funny because like if you think christianity is like
[00:02:33] if you think homosexuality is a sin in christianity
[00:02:37] and that jesus died for your sins it's like one of the things jesus died for
[00:02:41] it's like sucking dick it's true yeah getting fucked in the
[00:02:45] ass getting blown a dude drinking a man's come bathroom out of a little
[00:02:51] beaker eagle while you're gonna go see despicable me too
[00:02:54] just leave your son in the theater make i can make eye contact with and
[00:02:58] catch a whiff of another man in the bathroom yeah you can tell from the
[00:03:02] dryer bones and then you he's also gay you guys kind of like look at each other
[00:03:06] for a second you know i'm sorry and then he just aggressively shoves you into
[00:03:09] the handicap stall and you slam the door so you just your belt jangling you
[00:03:14] can't get your pants off fast enough as he violently fucks you
[00:03:19] you know just give us just flustered you come back and your son was like dad
[00:03:23] where are my gobstoppers and you're like i i don't know and you just look at the
[00:03:27] ticket stub in your hands and you you say this isn't my beautiful house
[00:03:37] yeah so jesus died for that too yeah that kind of stuff yeah yeah yeah
[00:03:41] sucking nuts through chaps yeah sucking nuts through a pair of fated
[00:03:45] wrangler jeans hell yeah dude levis mmm-hmm five oh
[00:03:49] ones mm-hmm prefer jeans of busting in your goddamn pants
[00:03:53] there's actually there's a website it was like cream in my jeans dot com or
[00:03:56] something or cream your jeans dot com and it's like just
[00:03:59] it's a community for guys who are really into nutting in their pants
[00:04:03] really i would have thought cream in the jeans was about a woman getting
[00:04:06] no it's like it's like busting in your way did you format the
[00:04:09] the card we can have enough space for yeah i did yeah yeah
[00:04:12] format because it was at 49 minutes yeah the first time around
[00:04:16] um i've had three dicks in my ass today i have never had sex
[00:04:24] suck me baby cuz i'm gay suck my heart elastic yeah is killing me
[00:04:30] um and i he all right no there's something i wanted to talk about i
[00:04:35] guess oh i just i did that cold bear submission oh nice yeah
[00:04:39] you're gonna get it of course not i've never gotten anything off submitting
[00:04:43] people just want to hide yeah the people want a bad boy on staff that's
[00:04:46] so i get hired yeah they want a little bad boy to spice up the room
[00:04:49] scare the the women that that wind their way into this job
[00:04:56] yeah you you yeah you're the bad boy and i'm just a cute boy but it was to
[00:04:59] ideal writing room is like you know three jewish guys that are actually good at
[00:05:04] their jobs right uh a mentally ill black woman
[00:05:09] you know just literally mentally should be hospitalized yes yes
[00:05:15] yeah uh who is is funny you know when she's not losing her mind of course
[00:05:22] and then uh you got the like super diversity higher that's just
[00:05:26] uh corpse hooked up to uh you know a machine that keeps alive
[00:05:31] corpse yeah yeah the transiting in core soaked up to a machine
[00:05:36] um who never contributes anything at all
[00:05:39] and some kid who is popular on vine and then me and i'm just covered in
[00:05:44] swastikas and i'm like what if we do a sketch where we we
[00:05:48] we write the n-word and gasoline instead on fire
[00:05:54] that's good the the mentally ill black lady would be all for that one actually yeah
[00:05:58] we actually get along because see we overcome our differences by making
[00:06:02] six thousand dollars a week that's how that's how me and the
[00:06:07] richly ill of black lady we bond over catered lunches being richer than
[00:06:11] yeah right working honest living yeah yeah having a job where you sit in
[00:06:16] office chairs and eat goldfish all day long and pick fucking lint out of your
[00:06:19] belly and even when you're being good at it you're contributing nothing to
[00:06:23] society yeah you do nothing you sit there in the chair all day and you're
[00:06:25] like uh how about this bullshit pun and then and then you're like yeah
[00:06:31] i'm stopping donald trump and that's what being a tv writer is
[00:06:35] it's true and uh my parents are losing their health insurance yeah
[00:06:40] that's why i like to go back out into the real world you know stand up comedy
[00:06:44] that's right that's right that's who really knows that's who's got their
[00:06:47] finger on the pulse as guys that go up at night and do jokes that people wrote on
[00:06:51] twitter six months ago yeah but they're fucking screaming them dude yeah
[00:06:57] yep yep i do love stand up and i'm happy to be doing it again i do i'm i'm
[00:07:01] happy to be back and doing stand up again i'm thinking in bits again
[00:07:04] you know it's making me better a better podcaster that's really why the show
[00:07:08] has been better is because i've been doing stand up
[00:07:10] so i'm able to come up with all the genius bits on the show oh for example
[00:07:14] what about we've talked about it for well cat williams oh yeah right in for
[00:07:17] cat williams now i got new cat williams bit where cat
[00:07:22] williams is complaining about orlas he finds out about orlas it's part of a
[00:07:26] larger chunk where i confuse i think nwa stands for
[00:07:37] there's just different types of black people watching the show or else
[00:07:40] yep i guess but yeah cat williams like shit they should call it
[00:07:44] n i g g e orlas they ain't a single day in black man on that show
[00:07:53] i love that one dude yeah which isn't actually true no there's a ton of
[00:07:57] black people that's about sports mostly black people that's true
[00:08:01] bad show though i remember they did a ronaldo bauchmann episode
[00:08:04] yeah he was uh shit don't tell me about ronaldo bauchmann everybody know he
[00:08:08] gay uh he was a bust for the nicks yeah
[00:08:15] so that's my little orlas tidbit anyways that's that's the next shirt coming to
[00:08:20] the store is the nwa logo and underneath it it says
[00:08:24] you know who's watching orlas and i don't mean the end i'm not it's not that i'm
[00:08:27] not saying the n-word but i'll put it on the shirt the shirt will say you know
[00:08:31] who's watching that's pretty funny yeah yeah i like that
[00:08:34] shit you gotta have you can't have a show name got two dollar signs and it can't
[00:08:38] be entirely black man how you only gonna have one black
[00:08:42] man on there he tucks his damn shirt and you got two dollar signs in the name
[00:08:46] yeah i never seen it but i trust you cat i don't know that show but
[00:09:00] fuck dude i got this fucking fake tooth in my mouth now i got the damn flipper
[00:09:05] yeah i hate it dude it feels unnatural yeah i want to be toothless again maybe
[00:09:10] i think i'm gonna be toothless for my boys i'm gonna be tooth but then when i
[00:09:13] have to you know for corporate america that's the thing and
[00:09:16] is you are you supposed to take the fake tooth out during sex i don't know
[00:09:20] yeah i don't know i think you can eat pussy with it but i think i'd rather
[00:09:23] not have it on yeah it might be fun to eat pussy with a
[00:09:26] hole in your mouth man you had no tooth for a day and you're acting like that's
[00:09:29] your natural state not it's just this is my not a fake
[00:09:33] tooth is not my natural state no tooth is more natural than this fake tooth
[00:09:37] huh it's a flipper it's not like uh it's not an implant yet what do you mean
[00:09:41] it's a flipper i can fucking pull this out in a second i know
[00:09:44] yeah boys you got like a little retainer and it's just it just kind of fits into
[00:09:47] your mouth it's plastic how did but where the where is
[00:09:50] the rest of it go it's just right here it's plastic
[00:09:54] hold on the back let me put my glasses on so pull it out
[00:10:00] oh that's how much it is okay just some little fucking plastic shit
[00:10:05] oh fuck god damn it i'm putting it back in my mouth because i just have to get
[00:10:08] used to talking with it oh god damn it feels weird dude
[00:10:14] yeah i bet it feels weird i fucked up life you live i really do man
[00:10:19] i'm not gonna by the way i i my mouth has to heal for like five months before i
[00:10:23] get an important starting implant then it's gonna take another two months
[00:10:27] to heal from the original it's gonna cost like six thousand dollars
[00:10:30] it's gonna be expensive for shit it's gonna be like yeah
[00:10:33] and uh i don't have dental insurance and um
[00:10:36] uh i'm not gonna until i'm 30 i'm not gonna have a tooth
[00:10:40] i'm gonna spend the rest of my 29th my 20s are gonna be toothless
[00:10:43] yeah that's how i'm gonna end them yeah toothless let's see you know
[00:10:48] maybe pussy juice will help the tooth grow back lady
[00:10:55] actually i got another diagnosis and uh he said it was good to get nudes although
[00:11:01] i should keep getting more of them yeah and that only the only thing that can
[00:11:04] cure the tooth is pussy juice yeah so send stuff pictures of
[00:11:08] cups of pussy juice no no let me you're pussy yeah
[00:11:12] in a respectful manner we'll go out for a nice
[00:11:14] seafood dinner yeah we'll get some scallops
[00:11:17] and then we'll come back to my room which me and Nicholas are in right now uh
[00:11:21] and you can tell Nick this would be a nice room to get your pussy eaten in
[00:11:28] not morbidly oh fuck yeah your tooth just came out
[00:11:33] lost defending yourself about not being morbidly
[00:11:40] god damn it dude listen man i can't novelty
[00:11:45] women are so funny that they'll like the fuck i know
[00:11:47] fuck somebody like you it's wild and it's not even like
[00:11:50] because like a guy i'll fuck a disgusting woman but only because it's like
[00:11:54] this is gonna be hilarious or just because you're horny and you're like
[00:11:58] i have to get the poison out of my balls some way yeah yeah
[00:12:01] but women like like are very stoked they need to be harmed
[00:12:07] yeah i guess so i guess they weren't yeah is they want to be they wanted to be
[00:12:11] damaged and it's not like this would be a cool story it's like oh i imagine
[00:12:14] myself is some sort of artist that has these experiences
[00:12:22] no i think i don't know i think they're better people than us i have no idea
[00:12:26] why anybody does anything i think women are better than men
[00:12:29] yeah yeah me too no in in certain ways yeah i really
[00:12:33] really definitely do do the better men are just
[00:12:36] scum i mean men are worse than they're pigs aren't they
[00:12:40] what is what is that you just said metal fuck ugly women to laugh about them
[00:12:46] and women will do it because they're good people or something no it's not
[00:12:49] those are good people it's it's do you are you fucking somebody for
[00:12:53] comma or for comedy or for drama you know uh interesting tbs versus tnt
[00:12:58] they yeah men are tbs very funny that's what i'm saying dude
[00:13:02] that's what i'm saying okay you you just fuck some really
[00:13:06] just gross woman you're like i'm like ray romano everybody
[00:13:11] everybody loves me let me stuff your cunt
[00:13:17] i feel like ray ray romano i'm ray romano i love stuff like
[00:13:20] cunts come here you fucking whore i remember that classic episode of
[00:13:27] everybody loves ray me let me fill your fucking asshole with
[00:13:30] goo you fucking so that episode was everybody loves having a stroke
[00:13:38] ray man ray why are you doing a really shitty impression of yourself
[00:13:43] ray why are you doing a really bad ray romano ray man
[00:13:47] can i also stop devras cunt with jess brad garret
[00:13:58] uh anyway he's got his own comedy club huh yeah in
[00:14:03] vegas i believe vegas should we go to vegas dude no but somebody should stay
[00:14:08] there stay where if you know what i mean
[00:14:20] um have you ever been to vegas no never been in vegas never been in
[00:14:23] tokyo only two places i've never been everywhere else well i've been ever
[00:14:27] else that's klucal abama tittin karna buck two yeah mmm
[00:14:30] mocha deeshu mmm that places i did the club in mocha deeshu oh yeah
[00:14:34] it's pretty cool the world's most libertarian comedy club
[00:14:39] where's mocha deeshu? Somalia oh hell yeah dude yeah
[00:14:43] they got that good pussy over there yeah dude you know what they say about
[00:14:47] Somalia yeah you go black hawk down on some fine
[00:14:51] i'm gonna the black hawk go down the freshest stage i've eaten you could
[00:14:54] possibly get it's just green still you know
[00:14:57] nice sour HIV yeah nice sweet sweet tart
[00:15:02] oh yeah very that's right which i love sour candies
[00:15:06] mm-hmm actually i don't but if i did mmm sour pussy
[00:15:10] people say it's racist to make AIDS jokes about africa as if
[00:15:14] AIDS isn't like an enormous problem there
[00:15:18] yeah i guess there's a problem it is a huge problem
[00:15:22] well that's why i have to buy all this you know
[00:15:25] bono affiliated merchandise to try and solve the problem we're both head to
[00:15:29] toe covering red merchandise yeah more than nothing to bono
[00:15:32] get it dude i've got red bono sunglasses on
[00:15:35] i'm tweeting from my motor roller razor oh yeah the red razor which i did have
[00:15:39] by the way did you yeah oh yeah the red razor i was
[00:15:42] fucking stoked dude i was fucking hard that shit was
[00:15:45] expensive i know yeah i remember uh i used to sell
[00:15:50] those so those are the fucking kiosks i was trying to save up for a
[00:15:55] fuck next tell problem no those were tight
[00:15:59] no i had like some bullshit prepaid phone some like candy or
[00:16:02] candy bar phone i remember like i was so excited when i got it i got it as like
[00:16:06] a birthday present and then uh some kid offered to buy it for me for like
[00:16:10] twenty dollars and i was like man fuck you it doesn't like
[00:16:13] cause way more than that and then we went to the store it was twenty
[00:16:16] dollars and i was like he was actually like giving you a
[00:16:19] deal you know i used to make fun of me for having a
[00:16:26] was the no key of the brick yeah it was a cool
[00:16:29] full of the classic though dude yeah yeah the brick is a classic little snake on
[00:16:32] there uh-huh set it to vibrate put under your nuts and jerk off
[00:16:36] yeah yeah that's what i like to do is have my
[00:16:39] testicles vibrate yeah i'm at sex before yeah i love
[00:16:47] jack talk i love when you put your balls in the
[00:16:49] woman's pussy and they've rumble until you come yeah isn't that what sex is
[00:16:54] yeah i don't know should i become a sex nerd should i get into that
[00:16:57] cock rings and shit for sure yeah you would be good at that dude because you
[00:17:01] don't have any emotions again that's key to being a sex nerd
[00:17:04] no um one time i did i did try i think as i do have
[00:17:08] i'm not actually autistic i've just i've i have
[00:17:12] i do i think i have irony poisoning i remember the other day i was kind of
[00:17:16] depressed and i was like thinking like what if i just let myself
[00:17:19] feel the way i want to and i did it for a second i was like oh no oh it's horrible
[00:17:23] yeah i know that's why i stopped doing drugs and i'm like
[00:17:26] sad dude yeah that's like these last three weeks i've not done any drugs
[00:17:30] because i was just getting fucked up to not be scared that i'm going to die
[00:17:34] and now it's like now i'm thinking of that shit
[00:17:37] now i'm thinking about how every relationship i have falls apart because
[00:17:40] i'm a fucking piece of shit yeah now you can't do that shit you just
[00:17:43] shut your drugs again a little bit of cocaine watch titanic again
[00:17:47] forget all about your own mortality that sounds pretty good except edible
[00:17:51] and watching moulin for me yeah damn i want to do that and then order
[00:17:56] fruit bad food watching moulin i love watching a nice
[00:17:59] Disney it's time to cut off all your penis so you can become
[00:18:06] a girl that's what that song is right it's time to
[00:18:21] she's got the biggest clip i've ever seen and you can tell she's you know who you
[00:18:26] are in moulin you're the gay guy with the raspy voice
[00:18:30] who's that guy no i'm clearly the fat one the giant bald fat one
[00:18:35] oh yeah i mean that's no brainer yeah a po
[00:18:38] po he likes what the bitches cook like yeah and he's got all the bitches too
[00:18:42] post got a couple horrors i forgot that but you're also that guy fine i'll be
[00:18:47] that guy too i don't give a fuck what's that guy doing in china
[00:18:53] like gay dude oh my god i love i love being in shanju
[00:18:57] province i guess where i was born and raised you're so right my mom was a
[00:19:01] hairdresser i grew up in a salon bro i didn't even consider that guy being
[00:19:05] gay and told this oh yeah he's a fucking he's supposed to be the tough guy and he's
[00:19:09] clearly a gay guy he's like a fat homosexual from flushing
[00:19:14] now he's got scars and shit yeah yeah the scars from where my mom dropped a
[00:19:19] curling iron on my face when i was growing up in that
[00:19:23] that hair salon here in shanju province right under right above the little
[00:19:28] atalian deli off the yank c river at the intersection of
[00:19:33] 43rd avenue and stineway and then who's the other little twink there's
[00:19:40] another twink is there yeah i think so a little dragon
[00:19:44] no not the dragon there's a skinny guy that's in their crew
[00:19:47] Eddie Murphy no that's a dr i don't know i actually not seen the lawn until like
[00:19:50] a year ago oh it's a good movie dude Disney movies are good bro they're
[00:19:54] they're the tight 80 minutes yeah okay here my favorite double feature is a
[00:19:58] Disney movie and an action movie yeah you watch moulin then you throw on
[00:20:01] fucking you know total recall have yourself a nice little afternoon about
[00:20:05] total retard that's also good that's a good little
[00:20:08] little jump on that why that no you don't understand i had to dream where i
[00:20:15] wasn't retarded i quit and you have down syndrome that's why you sound like
[00:20:23] like he takes your shirt off and it's no look how strong i am i'm inspired i
[00:20:27] like no you're retarded that's why you're that strong and jacked
[00:20:32] you're not a muscle man from austria you're a mentally retarded man with
[00:20:35] regular mental retard strength no it's not true
[00:20:41] the guy takes his shirt off and instead of that fucked up little guy it's a
[00:20:44] tattoo of a train yeah he's retarded okay sure
[00:20:49] no or just a regular retarded guy or he looks up his shirt and it's a retarded
[00:20:53] guy's like hello wait this is the leader here i am
[00:21:00] hello and then you find out the rest of the guy is just a helmet
[00:21:07] uh that's a good s movie as well then did you guys see the total retard
[00:21:11] remake and calling feral people say the call and
[00:21:14] feral one's good i liked it people don't say it i say it i probably told a couple
[00:21:18] other people have told me that i enjoyed it i mean it's like it's one of those
[00:21:21] things where critics hate it because it's not as good as the original total
[00:21:24] recall right but it's still good i'm gonna check it out like dread was great
[00:21:27] the new dread i don't know how critics felt about it i couldn't i can't watch
[00:21:31] that one because it just feels like it's a rip off of uh
[00:21:39] no i like it's a dick you've ever seen and i can swear
[00:21:44] before we threw i will fill your asshole up with goo
[00:21:52] that's good thanks man i couldn't tell what that song was until the end
[00:21:54] let's move on it's time to suck onto a penis
[00:22:05] whoo that song's good dude it's good man these movies have bangers man you know
[00:22:10] jackie chan sung that shit in the chinese version for real he's the voice
[00:22:14] of the chinese guy whoa chinese version that rules jackie chan's my personal
[00:22:18] hero i love him dude yeah i i adore jackie she's got those little fluffy fat
[00:22:22] ass dogs yeah jackie chan really is like probably the
[00:22:27] greatest living american i i think it was true for sure
[00:22:30] yeah i saw that new movie was pretty good the foreigner yeah i mean
[00:22:34] it wasn't good because they tried to cram too much plot in there
[00:22:37] it was about the ira and some gay shit but when uh when it was just jackie chan
[00:22:42] getting back at people it rocked that part of the movie fucking rocked
[00:22:46] but there was way too much like you know pierce bros n supposed to be in the ira
[00:22:50] or some gay shit i don't know it fucking sucked
[00:22:52] but uh the parts that were just jackie chan going the fuck off those fucking
[00:22:55] ruled but yeah jackie chan didn't he do porn also
[00:23:00] did he i think he was thinking so vaster yeah i think i i think i've actually
[00:23:03] asked this question on the podcast man how how unfortunate would it be for
[00:23:05] jackie chan if his name is so vaster still on
[00:23:14] uh fuck i've got the hottest dick you've ever seen um what are some other
[00:23:21] reasons you love jackie chan man right now is one and two of course
[00:23:28] um police story rumble in the Bronx yeah hell yeah
[00:23:32] classics i've never seen either of those um there's also bumble in the Bronx
[00:23:36] where jackie chan is pretends to be a woman on bumble
[00:23:39] to have sex with porta reek and gosh is there a reason he's doing that
[00:23:45] um it's so when he's getting that just daughter
[00:23:48] movie he's also moulin so oh shit yes or pretend to be a girl of course
[00:23:52] to get into the chinese army of course so he's practicing by fucking a bunch of
[00:24:00] well that makes sense to me yeah well hong kong cinemas it can be convoluted
[00:24:12] movies yeah no it sounds good to me i really i only
[00:24:16] watch gay porn for the choreography you know it is i appreciate the
[00:24:20] cinematography of it all i watched a porno from the 70s and it
[00:24:24] was like well acted dude yeah yeah i was like uh some lady
[00:24:28] some like boss made a lady suck his dick and she spit his come on her
[00:24:33] shoes on his shoes and i really believe that she didn't want to
[00:24:36] suck his dick oh you know and then like another scene
[00:24:39] she's got her titties out she's fucking a different guy she likes
[00:24:42] i remember having a racist moment where at one time where i was like
[00:24:45] because i never noticed to guys that were like
[00:24:47] upset about interracial porn you know like that doesn't
[00:24:50] yeah that sense to me but i remember looking through like porn hub one time
[00:24:53] and they had this like video that was like
[00:24:55] white lady fucks her black boss and i remember thinking to myself her
[00:25:03] who's got that joke that it's like they watch interracial porn because
[00:25:07] they just like to see a scenario where black man is a boss
[00:25:10] uh nobody someone's got that joke i don't know
[00:25:14] i'm not accusing of stealing it i'm just saying that anecdote i just told i
[00:25:18] do on stage like ten years ago so oh really yep
[00:25:20] so if anybody if anybody wants to talk to me about bit stealing
[00:25:25] i'll see you up by the flagpole and i'm gonna put it in my ass the entire
[00:25:30] flagpole yeah nikah's gonna sit on the flagpole
[00:25:32] and put it in his ass then he comes out to the like the back of the school with
[00:25:36] his friends and i'm there with all my cooler friends i'm
[00:25:38] staring there with my arms crossing the flagpole is all the way up my ass
[00:25:44] where's Nick look up like bitch they just run some of the
[00:25:50] crisis mom i'm like i can see you from up here you fucking loser
[00:25:57] you got him nikah hey one day i'm gonna put my
[00:26:02] fucking ass in that flagpole one day i'm gonna cram the entire twin towers up
[00:26:07] my ass this is a story of like a young gay guy
[00:26:11] from statin i'm going his dad's like you see them towers son one day you're
[00:26:16] gonna fit both of them right up your fucking ass
[00:26:21] gee dang stat they accosted september 11th 2001
[00:26:33] he's the first responder that dies saving people by carrying them out of the
[00:26:36] rubble in his ass yeah well he joins the marines
[00:26:41] you know yeah they're like you know they're doing the thing when they're all
[00:26:44] meeting each other in boot camp they're like you from Philly i got a cousin from
[00:26:48] Philly yeah yeah you know no shit i got a brother in
[00:26:51] Chicago i'm from brooklyn yeah i was gonna shove those
[00:27:03] uh but now i'm putting a bunch of bacon in the ranch now we got to go over to i
[00:27:07] rekt to defeat the germans we're gonna go over to al pakistan to
[00:27:14] kick these fucking Nazi sons of bitches
[00:27:21] ah fuck dude i love i love a good war movie
[00:27:25] oh god damn dude you know i've been watching queer eye
[00:27:29] did you see heartbreak ridge no is it good is i i mean
[00:27:33] it was that one didn't look again that one didn't look that good to me yeah it
[00:27:36] was pretty boring i really don't like that guy what's his name?
[00:27:39] Andrew Garfield yeah yeah yeah yeah he's well the whole point of the movie is
[00:27:43] like he doesn't kill people yeah which sounds fucking gay as
[00:27:46] shit well enough people fucking die oh yeah okay yeah that's cool then it's
[00:27:51] pretty it's pretty fucking violent i mean like he's not
[00:27:54] shooting people but people are constantly he's just standing there
[00:27:57] where people's brains explode oh fuck that's pretty tight yeah
[00:28:01] you know what i'm doing is not a movie about a fucking mailman
[00:28:04] you know you know i watch a cut of that movie
[00:28:07] where it's just like a half hour of people dying yeah but i don't want to
[00:28:11] watch this stupid fucking plot of some guy who won't kill because he's a
[00:28:14] bitch i actually just picked up dread on 4k really you should come by
[00:28:17] watch yeah should come by come by uh all uh the old bed
[00:28:21] sty compound it's been a while yeah yeah i'll come by
[00:28:26] bibba boy yeah i also got uh that bioshock remastered in
[00:28:31] 1080p and started playing that again bioshock was like one of my favorite
[00:28:35] games those games just too complicated for me do
[00:28:38] there's too much first-person shooter it's really not that complicated you
[00:28:41] gotta pick up like items and shit yeah some items
[00:28:45] isn't that is that that's not a it's not a fucking RPG wait is bioshock the one
[00:28:50] where there's like you're thinking of um mass effect
[00:28:53] maybe not the one where there's like new
[00:28:56] fallout fallout fallout there's similar all the game
[00:28:59] there no they're similar in their like look i guess like at least the the
[00:29:04] the artwork is similar yeah yeah but yeah fall fallouts like a post-apocalyptic
[00:29:09] you know like but do you have to get i never played ball yeah bioshock's
[00:29:13] pretty straightforward just too much full i was too complicated
[00:29:17] bioshock you have like weapons you have guns and shit but then you also have uh
[00:29:21] like um like it's like this dystopian underwater city so no the the
[00:29:28] so the other weapons block seems cool the other the other weapons are like um
[00:29:33] like shit that alters your dick yeah it's like a fish that sucks your dick and
[00:29:38] you know a gun that says the n-word but underwater it's like broop broop
[00:29:44] yeah have you played any of those south park games huh have you played any of those
[00:29:47] south park games that that's Blake was playing one of them and i went over there
[00:29:51] and you have like there it's like an RPG and it's like narrated by cartman so
[00:29:54] it's like now you have to pick your your race you can be elf mage
[00:30:04] that rocks dude yeah you can just play the game as a june
[00:30:10] fuck i should play those those are right around my you know that's that's as
[00:30:13] complicated as i like grinthath auto you know what i'm saying yeah i don't
[00:30:18] want it to make sense how much shit i have to carry yeah i want to be able to get a
[00:30:21] fucking pizuka out of my pocket or some shit yeah and not have to like lose
[00:30:26] items i don't want to have to like cook meat or whatever yeah
[00:30:31] it's like maybe i would like to cook some meat every once in a while like red dead redemption i
[00:30:34] really liked is it like red dead redemption um sort of i mean red dead redemption is just like
[00:30:40] grand theft auto with horses yeah basically that's what i like uh yeah bioshock's not i mean
[00:30:46] just yeah it's a first person shooter yeah so you know what i liked me my brother i like i
[00:30:52] there's not that many games that are fun to play on co-op dude that should sucks the one that was
[00:30:56] fun was uh left for dead was the last like on left for dead was really fun and then there was one
[00:31:01] where it's like like a bald guy with long hair a bald guy with long hair yeah
[00:31:07] yeah it's like named after them oh um bad um oh yeah lock and something something like that
[00:31:16] yeah that shit was fun i played that with a little brother yeah i remember that that was a fun-ass
[00:31:19] game whatever the fuck it was called yeah i can't remember damn i want to know what it was called
[00:31:24] yeah i remember what you're talking about yeah yeah but there's not that many good co-op
[00:31:27] and we can just fucking you in a blur you in a bro just fucking throw it on just run through that
[00:31:32] shit yeah it's fun to do yeah everyone now they gotta play everything on fucking line
[00:31:39] fuck that shit yeah everyone's playing that one game
[00:31:44] oh we don't know who cares it's just boring video games are fucking boring to talk about whoa dude
[00:31:49] i thought you're a game guy yeah they're fun to play i'd fucking don't enjoy talking about them
[00:31:53] i love talking about them the things i like to talk about dude literature art pussy you know
[00:31:58] you were reading like a bitch at the diner today yeah i just because i had to ride the fucking art
[00:32:02] train all the way here it is i just i've been on the train i developed the literacy and the reason
[00:32:07] why is because i don't have i just take cabs every right right i'm not on the train for hours it is
[00:32:12] fun to read on the train it is great i used to just ride the train around read all day back when i was
[00:32:17] living in china town what were you reading today my friend get your uh uh foot off my shit why or
[00:32:24] take your or take your shoe off i'm i'm reading how to fucking disrespect people's homes by Tim Allen
[00:32:33] fuck their wives is number one damn i get this weird itch on the side of my hand all the time
[00:32:37] i don't use a ringworm again no i do have ringworm again though it's up on my arm how dude i don't
[00:32:42] know you look a better life these days i just get fucking ringworm all the time dude that's
[00:32:47] you're an unclean bitch yeah probably it's got you so be dumb motherfucker i don't think soap will
[00:32:53] do anything about ringworm thank you very much yes it will no it's a fungus yeah well if you're
[00:32:58] cleaner maybe i don't know get the bacteria anti-bacterial some day i'll some day i'll live outside and
[00:33:04] all of this will pay off because it won't be much of an adjustment i want to live in a mini house
[00:33:12] yeah i should seems cool what like a little airstream trailer yeah hell yeah i mean if you get
[00:33:17] fat enough every house is a mini house no dude i want a mini house i always wonder about those
[00:33:22] guys you know the people they have to cut out of their homes yes i do it's just like one day they
[00:33:26] get up and go to like breakfast and they're like they just they're like hmm and they just can't get
[00:33:31] through the doorway they're like i guess i'll just go back to bed and have someone bring me food
[00:33:36] yeah i don't think they ever yeah there is one day where it's like that was the last day you got
[00:33:42] up and walk together everybody says that shit they're always like wouldn't wouldn't you just stop at a
[00:33:47] certain point they're like how do those people get that fat and then the people that saying that are
[00:33:51] usually like pretty dumpy right you know and it's like well you didn't stop it being a gross
[00:33:57] unfuckable loser you know sure it's like depressing so you continue eating so the answer is no there
[00:34:03] isn't some like you know what i'm going to stay here at a beautiful 375 pounds where people like me
[00:34:10] and i don't live a life of constant pain and agony before i become a real piece of shit that
[00:34:16] gets its own TV there is a definite difference between just fat enough to not fucking too fat to
[00:34:23] get up you know what i mean like too fat to use your legs is definitely more extreme than just more
[00:34:29] extreme it's more extreme but the question of like how do you get there like isn't there some like
[00:34:34] you just lost a tooth you're probably not going to lose any weight you'll continue i might no i
[00:34:39] probably will no dude every year i lose a little weight by the way you're gonna eat yourself i am
[00:34:44] five pounds fat or every less fat every year actually five pounds huh i've gained five pounds
[00:34:50] back i've been doing a lot of snacking you have been snacking yeah you wait a fucking uh egg steak
[00:34:56] corned beef hash toast breakfast mhm the corned beef hash on top of the steak is a gentleman's
[00:35:02] movement i respected yeah dude do you think i haven't been eating breakfast my entire goddamn life
[00:35:07] i don't know how to have a meal oh fuck dude i've been i've been eating good two days and i have a
[00:35:15] headache because of it yeah i was thinking about hitting up an ice cream truck oh fuck why don't
[00:35:21] they happen during the winter time it's not winter now yeah it is it's literally winter no i was
[00:35:27] spring like a week ago no it's these the seasons have yeah you know what i'm saying it was nice so
[00:35:33] they fucking okay it's 36 degrees outside right now it's fucking winter they got the they got
[00:35:39] trucks out that one nice day when we're walking around yeah and they didn't put them back in
[00:35:44] yeah the ice cream truck you know i like is uh country cookies what are those it's uh it's like
[00:35:50] i call them ice cream i remember the kid i know the colleges they're not ice cream sandwiches
[00:35:53] because ice cream sandwiches are the rectangular black and white ones yeah yeah cookie ice cream
[00:35:57] sandwiches yeah yeah that's shit called country cookies if they're made by uh blue bonnet is that
[00:36:04] the fucking fuck do we get did we get those at the homage market at one time i think so god they
[00:36:09] were good as fuck that was such a great day it really was that wasn't one of the best days the
[00:36:13] last four years it was a good as day i guess that was five years ago was it no yeah damn yeah that
[00:36:21] was five years ago god damn an homage market is nothing like it dude get that fried chicken get
[00:36:26] some fudge up in your system yeah the best part of the homage market is making contact with all
[00:36:31] the women who have never had sex and fucking them yeah you look at them yeah we all fucked
[00:36:35] well you know just i fucking no i did also yeah i fucked them regular style i like to use my
[00:36:40] cock and pussy style my powerful good luck state you weren't good looking back then
[00:36:45] yeah i always been good you were in that fucked up sea captain phase of your life was i yeah you
[00:36:50] that fucked up beard did i you were gaunt and but still fat somehow yeah you're a palish
[00:36:57] shit you look bad dude i looked good you're you're looking good now you fucking you got that you're
[00:37:03] looking like a little ripped little slut dude thanks man yeah dude i would fuck your ass or get
[00:37:07] my ass fucked if i was gay but it's by you depending on what i liked yeah hold on i think i have a
[00:37:12] say in both of this dude i guess my belt is like ripping out all the fucking all the pubes on my
[00:37:19] lower stomach and it's fucking excruciating shit dude i had to get a new belt i broke my other belt
[00:37:26] i don't know i did that i don't know either i was buckling up after a nice long piss and
[00:37:32] fucking broke my belt index fingers are too powerful right after i had to right before i had to go up
[00:37:38] at the stand oh you were playing hurt yeah man some fucking bitch like uh
[00:37:44] she thinks like the guy hosting the show is like oh this girl's texting me she wants to fuck you
[00:37:51] or whatever my pride or whatever he's like i'll introduce you to her i'm like i'm good thanks
[00:37:56] and then she like comes upstairs and she's like oh they go yeah the other night it's like women
[00:38:00] are allowed to just like touch your face she literally did if you had done that to a woman that
[00:38:04] would be i would be in fucking jail yeah and then i want to fuck you like while i'm talking to other
[00:38:10] people and other people don't react to it and it's like this is fucking annoying yeah it is annoying
[00:38:15] but i don't give a fuck that's your problem dude yeah it is my problem not that like you know i'm
[00:38:19] not saying that we should change the laws or whatever no that's what you said no i'm just saying
[00:38:24] women need to cool it but this guy shouldn't be allowed to finger me without asking stop
[00:38:31] oh that's a takeaway from that story if one time i can be sort of like saying i got
[00:38:39] Brock Turner in the middle of that fucking comedy club and nobody says it goddamn thing not
[00:38:43] quite she didn't grab your cock uh well you weren't there for that part well she grabbed your cock
[00:38:48] i'm not no but it felt like it wait that was actually me i have my the thing is is i tuck my
[00:38:55] dick around the back of my pants and then up the back of my shirt so anyone that puts their arm
[00:39:00] around my shoulder is second grabbing my cat. Interesting yeah every time i wear a scarf that's
[00:39:04] actually my dick mm-hmm a wrap it around my neck for warmth yeah the truth is i'm actually i don't i
[00:39:09] was born without a spine uh you know it's hard the doctors have inserted my penis up the skin of my
[00:39:16] back to create a spine out of my heart dick interesting and then does it come back out so you
[00:39:21] can fuck with it no so you don't have a dick to fuck no i just use one of my balls yeah i've got very
[00:39:27] tall balls dicks shaped tall balls so okay you've got one tall rigid ball
[00:39:34] does it get harder is it always so well it's always ball hardness so it's hard but your ball is a
[00:39:40] particularly hard ball no your ball your balls aren't as hard as your dick no you have soft balls
[00:39:47] yeah i don't you can like squeeze your balls i mean yeah i mean doesn't it feel good when i squeeze my
[00:39:55] balls but if i had to guess do my or my balls closer to soft dick or hard dick they're closer to soft
[00:40:02] dick uh then you got something wrong with your fucking balls no way brother no i get you have
[00:40:07] rigid balls yeah it's like uh it's like somewhere in between a hard boiled egg and uh and uh you know
[00:40:14] it's probably more like a lacrosse ball no that kind of hard it's a it's a hard boiled egg that was
[00:40:19] good the right the first time no my balls are harder than that do they hurt when you pinch them no
[00:40:26] you feel no pain in your balls when you pinch your balls you're full of shit no i've got rugged
[00:40:31] gear dude you're full of shit or you have like stage whatever ball cancer you have
[00:40:37] lump like just two tumors in your nuts yeah i got hard nuts dude i got a hard individual
[00:40:45] suck these hard balls like some of us are ready for this world and others are pussies like you
[00:40:49] that's true i have soft balls and i'm not ready yeah this is why your dad doesn't like you he felt
[00:40:54] your balls you felt your balls day one he said it's something wrong with this boy yeah he came into the
[00:40:59] doctors office to get out of my balls give him a little squeeze yeah wearing his westman sir dog
[00:41:06] show t-shirt i've always wanted to do this to a dog but also a man they did that at mr olympia right
[00:41:16] the guy comes around he reaches around the back and he grabs the competitor's ball you flex your
[00:41:20] cock yeah which i guess would be getting hard yeah so i guess we should talk about uh black panther
[00:41:27] which just came out should we just talk about queer i feel the straight guy man is that is that
[00:41:34] coming back it's back it's pretty good yeah well how are they bringing that back the premises that
[00:41:39] gave people all dress different i don't know but it's pretty fun there's one gay guy that's way
[00:41:46] over the top but hey man mausole tauff how about a show called chinese accent for the white man
[00:41:51] mmm you know yes and it's a guy that's like um i'm 36 years old um you know i've been a bachelor
[00:41:59] for a while now my dating life is okay but uh i'm kind of looking for like a change in my career
[00:42:03] maybe or maybe something more stable and they're like let's meet wang he's a consultant all the way
[00:42:10] from jenq jiu province like yeah i teach you how to talk different and the guy's like okay i really
[00:42:17] don't understand how this is gonna accomplish my goal of trying to get out of my copywriting
[00:42:21] position to become a advertising executive he's like no you have to say different he's like i
[00:42:27] have to say different he's like much better so the premise is that he just learned to talk that way
[00:42:35] he learns to talk that way and he's like i'm trying to get big promotion in office and like
[00:42:40] peterson i don't know what's different about you but i'm loving it and guess what you got to corner
[00:42:45] office they're like six months later everything's so much better now i can't change you enough
[00:42:52] for helping me talk different coming up on chinese voice for the straight guy that's man
[00:43:01] that's good thanks i thought it was chinese accent for the white man yeah i don't know
[00:43:06] there's no throughlined any of these dumb bits well i'm for one i'm offended that there's no
[00:43:12] through are you yeah yeah and i'm gonna fuck your ass as a result damn
[00:43:18] that's all but it's funny because on qiri it's like there's like four guys that like
[00:43:22] they basically are like oh just be more confident one guy just remodels the house
[00:43:27] there's only one guy doing anything yeah everyone else like here's like here's a pink shirt uh-huh
[00:43:31] and believe you know it's like here's some moisturizer and a haircut and then one guy's like
[00:43:35] yeah i just fucking completely yeah i had an addition to your whole fucking home i fucking
[00:43:40] bought furniture like he's the only one the little blonde guy who looks like a fake s
[00:43:43] john early actually yeah there's one episode with a cop that i did not like but other than that
[00:43:49] it's pretty fun they gave up the cop they gave up a cop yeah and they have him like have he's like
[00:43:54] instead of shooting black teams how about you start fucking sucking them off
[00:44:01] well i never thought of it that way and they're like the cops like uh you know i mean i i don't
[00:44:07] know if i'm like i really love the look of my new apartment but it's pretty cool and it's just
[00:44:11] much like paintings of like travon with his pants off a big vaney heart talk this is a huge dick
[00:44:19] in obama in a hoodie obama with his hands hands on the dravon shoulder gonna comes up and they
[00:44:24] have the same dick they have the same exact it connects or no it looks it looks exactly the same
[00:44:31] i was thinking it might be like one thing where it comes out and like warms over uh yeah like michael
[00:44:36] brown just like but drawn all like muscley like like fucking like deviant art bowser
[00:44:43] just veins all over his body and he's like leaning back ecstasy his hands are full of
[00:44:48] cigarettes and darren browns fucking them off it's kind of darn well so he's like he's blowing him
[00:44:56] they're like well we printed all of these out there oil on canvas and we had the print shop find
[00:45:00] all of these on deviant art and print them out for this police officer's department coming up on
[00:45:07] queer advocacy oh yeah dude that would be i actually kind of want that painting yeah
[00:45:19] by the brat we're in the little like the little like cap and gown oh yeah he's graduation yeah just
[00:45:25] like a eraser racers string like tank top version of a graduation yeah getting sucked off for him
[00:45:33] yeah um yeah so pretty good there's a they did one with a gay guy which i thought was bull
[00:45:40] shit oh they helped him come out of the closet queer eye for queer eye queer eye for queer guy
[00:45:46] but he came out of the closet it was very touching yeah and there was another fat little old guy
[00:45:50] that it was very touching as well it's a good show overall man uh got a couple apps left i'll let
[00:45:57] you guys know my thoughts on the final two i want to get made over by gay guys yeah they're like we're
[00:46:05] sorry we can't they see you and then they just fucking they they like poof and disintegrate
[00:46:11] like when like when fucking obi won gets his head cut off just evaporate and all of their expensive
[00:46:18] fancy clothes collapse on the ground because they can't do anything with you i mean it would be
[00:46:23] really hard i don't have any hair like i don't know what you like half of that show is giving
[00:46:29] someone a haircut yeah and like or like trimming their beard i have horrible facial hair yeah
[00:46:35] the lord really a little domedell oeze hat and a bowling shirt it literally would just be a
[00:46:39] little hat yeah but i don't want a little hat man i don't want to be a hat guy you should get
[00:46:44] this little like greek a little like fishermen hats whatever yeah greek fishermen hats yeah
[00:46:52] that's the only little way is that what they're really called yeah they are a fishermen hat yeah
[00:46:55] that's the nothing use the cap the little thing with the little black hats yeah with the rope around
[00:47:00] yep yeah i might wear those as a nod to my culture yeah you know i don't know beanies all
[00:47:09] where i suppose maybe it is time to transition to the hats or just get a fucking wig dude i'm gonna
[00:47:15] get i'm gonna be i'm gonna be toothless with a fucking beautiful wig that'd be cool that would be cool
[00:47:20] yeah fuck this tooth is fucked up dude it keeps almost falling out of my mouth
[00:47:27] if only someone could give me some pussy juice to heal ask ask weaves to search engine if adam
[00:47:32] were here to go ask geez what is that it's supposed to be like it's usually you're asking a british guy
[00:47:41] what it's like the british search engine
[00:47:48] it's like the premise is that he's british
[00:47:54] like yeah that's what yeah that's the premise did you ever fuck with ask geez do you ever use any
[00:47:58] bootleg ones no remember i remember i used uh hot bot back in the yeah there was some there was a
[00:48:04] bunch of likeos yeah back in the search engine more search engine what did you forget about those
[00:48:09] these young younger fellas don't know about that oh yeah these young fellas they don't know about
[00:48:15] they don't know about uh hot bot and likeos remember likeos who had the best porn
[00:48:20] i don't remember i don't i don't remember just i forget how being sometimes you could look at
[00:48:26] porn okay bing is new bing has not been around longer than like four or five years bull shit
[00:48:31] bing is brand new no way it's brand fucking new thing was not around bing was like 10 years old
[00:48:38] no it's not at least well i guess time goes by pretty quick maybe 15 and bing is there's no way
[00:48:43] bing is 15 years old well there was one search engine that maybe msnbc's yeah msn yeah msnbc was
[00:48:50] uh around back then or something wait is msnbc why is it it's a website and it's the liberal
[00:48:58] fox news well it was msn not right msn was microsoft network and then msnbc was
[00:49:04] i guess the convo they're not wait they're not related yeah bing is a web search engine owned
[00:49:10] by up by microsoft yeah it's eight years old so msn bud just became bing then um
[00:49:19] microsoft owns it yeah live search uh what's what it was it was a cement cement technology
[00:49:28] microsoft and yahoo and as anyway man there was one that you could look at titties on in my middle
[00:49:35] school and you could do that on all no it was blocked on most of them man yeah at rolling park
[00:49:40] middle school it was anyway yeah um the rams what was your middle school mascot huh
[00:49:48] i don't remember guys yeah it was the gay guys um i don't remember using a search engine i
[00:49:58] forget how i got pornography i feel like there was i used to jack off to like a new grounds game
[00:50:03] where you could take clothes oh yeah i remember these spears yes that was i remember masturbating
[00:50:08] that a lot and then also like downloading shit on kazzaa kazzaa of course was but yeah i don't
[00:50:13] remember googling or searching for pornography i i got in trouble because i i on when it was still
[00:50:19] aol and still dialogue i emailed peat who's now my roommate uh i emailed him a picture of
[00:50:25] trish stratus in a bikini and he printed it and put it under his bed and our fathers found it
[00:50:32] they were hanging out one day and then peat snitched on me immediately and i got in trouble
[00:50:36] for emailing a picture of trish stratus why do parents care about that shit i remember like
[00:50:41] like anytime i heard about a kid who's like dad bought him porn i thought that was absurd but like
[00:50:46] if i was a dad i would just you know because i would want to make sure my son's you know being
[00:50:51] safe about it sure i don't want them overdosing it like a friend's house on pornography right i
[00:50:57] want the masturbating in our living room three p.m. with me there knowing it's super violent
[00:51:02] chaperoning i just want i'd prefer it's the same way i feel about him having sex do it safely
[00:51:08] they're gonna masturbate to stuff i know is clean it's not laced with anything because it's videos
[00:51:14] of me and my wife having sex and that's what my son and his friends i don't want my son yeah
[00:51:21] exactly i don't want my child like supporting uh sex trafficking so the only way i know that's safe
[00:51:26] it's very very videos of me with my wife with a flashlight yeah fucking a cantaloupe that i
[00:51:31] microwave just things like that just jerking off whatever it's me licking my wife's asshole
[00:51:36] until she comes in my mouth and by coming i mean shitting as diarrhea yeah yeah because i want
[00:51:44] these boys to know what love us that's that's the real porn i think and it's like honestly it's not
[00:51:50] just my son i'm gonna go run a school handout of DVDs to his friends any child i see my son and
[00:51:56] his friends are masturbating in the computer room and i just walk in and i have a remote control that
[00:51:59] turns the computer off and i'm like boys don't stop don't be scared close your eyes and keep
[00:52:07] masturbating and i'm going to tell you a story about how i met my wife because i want you to jack
[00:52:12] off but i want you to jack off the love that human connection it was one one cold night in
[00:52:22] december and i was high on cough medicine because i had a i had had the flu about a month prior and
[00:52:31] couldn't stop drinking nightglow because i quit drinking some years earlier and there i was high
[00:52:37] in my china town tenements swiping aggressively as fast as i could through tinder until some dumb
[00:52:44] indian bitch was down to just come fuck me instead of having to talk to her for more than five minutes
[00:52:52] and well she showed up and i lied to her and said i was wearing a condom and i wasn't
[00:52:59] and that's where you came from brian keep masturbating
[00:53:04] boys keep masturbating to this because at first i was horrified because they're weird
[00:53:11] oppressive father wouldn't let her get an abortion and i didn't have the money for it either so
[00:53:16] nine months goes by and i'm thinking i'm trapped in some financial prison with a
[00:53:20] fucking mixed race son that i'm too late to kill so now i guess i gotta take them to fucking
[00:53:26] soccer practice or whatever bullshit is required of me and
[00:53:30] keep keeping you know what don't stop yeah keep going guys keep masturbating
[00:53:36] because what what happened was is i ended up fucking that dumb woman throughout the pregnancy
[00:53:42] and i watched as her tits got bigger and eventually it was kind of nice
[00:53:46] and now the thought of you know nutting and anything but it just completely blown out post
[00:53:53] pardon pussy and this big dark chocolate nipples mr maul and i'm soft keep dragging
[00:54:02] off you want to come to my fucking house and use my computer you were going to masturbate to
[00:54:07] the things i tell you about love like the Beatles saying about that's my generation the Beatles
[00:54:14] what are you listening to dmx you fucking asshole kids in your dmx you're running
[00:54:22] just playing on the computer we weren't masturbating
[00:54:28] wait who's this kid with the glasses he doesn't even have pubes yeah what are you gay i'm six
[00:54:34] yeah man yeah so that's how i'm gonna raise my son too
[00:54:44] oh fuck i probably will have kids i bet you you you're not gonna have kids are you
[00:54:50] i'm i am or won't will you i'm hoping i developed a courage to kill myself in the next five years
[00:54:56] yeah you won't you're a coward at heart i'm not a coward at heart to kill yourself you are
[00:55:02] no that's not true i have i have an iron will i bet you will kill yourself i will bet i bet you
[00:55:08] a thousand dollars when the time is right put it in your will yeah leave everything to me okay
[00:55:15] nice you realize i only have like 20,000 yeah i know but yeah it actually could be kind of a hassle
[00:55:20] like take it's insane how little of the money from the show i've saved oh yeah it is pretty
[00:55:26] fucking stupid of you i don't i don't know how i spent it all yeah it's not anything crazy either
[00:55:30] it's like i mean look a bunch of cocaine sure yeah uh cabs i guess yeah it's mostly cabs cabs
[00:55:38] cocaine and like diners like getting seamless and shit yeah um also 800 dollar wheels i mean i
[00:55:49] guess you did buy a bunch of dumb shit i did i'm trying to see this time right here yeah how we
[00:55:54] looking i don't know i'm ready to go back to the cross for gym tonight and work on some gymnastics
[00:55:59] stuff are you gonna do backflips soon i don't know if i could ever learn how to do a backflip i don't
[00:56:03] i want to learn hand springs but there's no way to you know i don't that you just learn in a field
[00:56:09] but i will feel dude i guess it's too cold for that well i'm trying to work on front levers
[00:56:14] i help my i stream trucks are out man it's basically spring yeah that's true so if an ice cream truck
[00:56:19] status not winter yeah that's my goal this year is to to just to hold a front lever for five seconds
[00:56:24] and to uh be like that chinese guy that eats airplanes piece by piece oh yeah the guy eats metal yeah
[00:56:32] that's pretty cool it's probably bad for your ass cheeks no it's probably good for i mean you
[00:56:37] shit out metal right that guy's dead by now right they gotta just it's gotta be completely
[00:56:42] scratching out this organ right even if he can somehow stomach yeah the guy there's multiple guys
[00:56:47] because there's somebody in the Guinness but you can get in the Guinness Book of World Records for
[00:56:50] like eating the most pennies they should not encourage that there's a bunch of dumb shit in there
[00:56:59] yeah so get his book of world records is accidentally killed like 500 retarded people by like okay
[00:57:04] go ahead stick your dick in the outlet as many times as you can so most okay you're goal most
[00:57:10] untreated melanoma most times shattered the n-word at a Wu-Tang Clan concert by a white man
[00:57:22] yeah BBC News Health 350 coins found in man's stomach whoa is he dead or alive
[00:57:28] um a 350 coins found in man's stomach a man who's admitted the hospital in france with stomach pains
[00:57:35] was found to have swallowed 350 coins an assortment of necklaces and some needles Jesus fucking
[00:57:41] Christ 62 year old or a history of psychiatric illness yeah had a swollen stomach when he was
[00:57:46] admitted he couldn't eat or go to the toilet but doctors at show a general hospital were astounded
[00:57:51] when they carried out an x-ray to see what was wrong they found the five and a half kilogram mass
[00:57:55] the equivalent of a bowling ball in his stomach the man's family had previously warned doctors
[00:58:00] that he ate a habit of swallowing coins in fact doctors had removed a few coins from man's stomach
[00:58:06] in past hospital visits the man underwent surgery removed the coins of jerry 2002 five days after
[00:58:11] he had been into the hospital surgeons found coins worth 4,050 francs they believed the man
[00:58:17] swallowed the coins over the course of 10 years Jesus fucking Christ the mccoins and other items
[00:58:23] were so heavy they had pushed the man's stomach down between his hips ah what the fuck he likes eating
[00:58:30] coins said dr. Bruno france sua who treated the man when he was invited and came home came in some
[00:58:36] homes he liked to steal coins and eat up hell yeah so this man is Jewish
[00:58:44] Pierre Berkowitz doctors say the 62 year old was suffering from a rare condition called
[00:58:49] pica a compulsion to eat things not normally consumed as food its name comes from the latin
[00:58:54] word for Hebrew wait what was the first word a p yeah first letter was the p of that word
[00:59:04] or was it something else pica oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i was reading it so i couldn't
[00:59:13] answer it i couldn't put the joke together my hand no problem brother oh fuck dude this guy eats
[00:59:20] coins live on america's got talent why are the producers allowing these people on the show because
[00:59:26] they don't give a fuck that's so fun because they just want good television man died after eating
[00:59:31] coins in a magnet oh fuck and a magnet oh if you had a magnet on that on that french guy maybe they
[00:59:39] could get it out that way stick one of those big magnets down the stomach and then pull it up
[00:59:45] through his mouth and shit these fucking stupid doctors i was drinking like a lot and i ordered
[00:59:52] wings and then i was trying to suck the marrow out of the wings and just the next morning i woke
[00:59:56] up and i realized i had just eaten all the bones yeah that is i have not even ever done that and i
[01:00:04] just crunched them up and ate them i guess they were pretty soft but i chewed through and ate a bunch of chicken but that's awesome yeah norman was like you're probably gonna have to go to the emergency room but i didn't do anything about it and i was fine nice yeah if dogs eat chicken bones they'll die because they're so sharp take that dogs
[01:00:22] guess you survived how funny would be if that's what killed me oh that would be awesome as i guess they're Darwin award that would be really fucking funny no joke a bunch of chicken bones sliced up your asshole yeah and big intestine and small intestine oh fuck dude yeah sorry i started reading this story uh i would love some chocolate covered strawberries today was you yeah
[01:00:50] yeah you little you little fucking slutty boy do you want some chocolate covered strawberries i'm trying to go to the fucking ball i'm trying to get taken to the ball i love the idea of you just go out of here though with a fucking fondue pop making yourself chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate!
[01:01:18] You're just sorry that some of us get pussy.
[01:01:22] There's on your TV, on your big ass TV, there's just a slide show of you flexing.
[01:01:28] Now let's be watching that fucking time life infomercial with Pee Bo Bryson.
[01:01:32] Music for middle aged black people to have sex to.
[01:01:37] We had a once in the lifetime, but I just couldn't take it because my dick was small.
[01:01:46] If ever you're in my arms again, this time I'll get over how many guys you had sex with
[01:02:07] I hope my wife fucks a bunch before we marry.
[01:02:14] Yeah, I'm gonna have a wife I think at some point, maybe.
[01:02:17] Although I don't know I'm 30 and I haven't had a good fucking relationship once.
[01:02:20] Yeah, you've never been in a successful relationship.
[01:02:25] They all could be fine, but then I get like, you know, up in my head or whatever.
[01:02:29] I trick a woman into fucking me and being in love with me and then I get scared.
[01:02:34] Even though I've already done the hard work of tricking them to fuck.
[01:02:38] I think a lot of people say that and then it's just a way to cover up the fact that they're
[01:02:42] narcissists and they just want to fuck other people.
[01:02:46] Like, oh, you know, I just get overwhelmed with commitment.
[01:02:49] It's like, no, you just don't care about that person actually and you manipulated them into
[01:02:53] liking you because you're a selfish person.
[01:02:58] I mean, look, there's definitely a part of it where I'm like, yeah, I'd like to fuck other
[01:03:06] And there's also the element of like, well, if they're hot and they find, we fuck good,
[01:03:11] it's like, I don't want to get back out in that fucking scary, ass open market, dude,
[01:03:15] where most of the fucking you doing is bad.
[01:03:24] I'm like, I just hit it out of the park, right?
[01:03:27] I'm just going to go and get a little jump.
[01:03:29] And after that, it's like, I've already proven that I can do this.
[01:03:33] No, I mean, I need a couple of warm-ups to really get going.
[01:03:40] Gun and gun in her mouth, you know, you get to pull all the stops.
[01:03:44] I, I, I am here, shoving the gun in her ass.
[01:03:50] One in her ass, one in her ass, one in her ass.
[01:03:59] I just, I feel like we're talking about two guns like Denzel and training, taking a point
[01:04:15] I'm like, I'm into training day, starring Denzel and Woggan.
[01:04:19] Why don't you call me a Lanzo the whole time?
[01:04:22] Denzel says the phrase, walk your little baby nuts in that movie, and that might be my favorite
[01:04:30] Why don't you walk your little baby nuts?
[01:04:39] He's got a sweet whip in that movie, dude.
[01:04:46] That's the official, the official car of content is a 77 Monte Carlo.
[01:04:53] I've said it before and I'll say it again.
[01:05:00] Should we buy one and you could take it on tour?
[01:05:03] Make Adam sit in a little tiny ass backseat.
[01:05:14] House of Blues Boston sold out April 5th.
[01:05:16] I'm probably going to be at Umar's show in Baltimore, Maryland.
[01:05:20] Yeah, I got to figure out ticket presales online because we're going to do it that way.
[01:05:25] But your boy's going to be at the Good Good Comedy Theater in Philly, March 17th.
[01:05:42] It's a really good, the people that run are really great.
[01:05:52] You guys, I did the last one by myself and nobody came.
[01:05:59] I've already started working on it actually because we were so embarrassed that no one
[01:06:03] came and we have a couple good comics on it.
[01:06:08] And then we all, oh, Andy Haynes and Chris DeStefano are both doing it and we haven't
[01:06:20] Nick has fucking Andre Steakhouse shirts.
[01:06:27] Now I wouldn't, I would in the past, anybody's wanted a shirt.
[01:06:33] I use the name of the show, whatever, make your own merch.
[01:06:35] But because people asked, I set up a fucking store and then they have the audacity to bitch
[01:06:40] about the prices even though I'm doing fucking drop shipping and there's like overhead costs.
[01:06:44] So if nobody buys the shirts, I lose money.
[01:06:47] And even when they do buy it half the time, the shipping costs will eat into the fucking
[01:06:51] profit margins enough that it doesn't make it worth my time.
[01:06:54] So you are required to buy that gayest kid in school backpack.
[01:07:02] Also people have been asking me about the discounts for premium subscribers.
[01:07:09] I have to figure out like how the numbers shake out because looking at the deposits and credits
[01:07:13] to my bank account, it's like I'm not really making even with like the merch selling pretty
[01:07:21] You just don't really don't fucking make that much money.
[01:07:23] So I mean, I would, I would consider offering discounts to the premium subscribers to the
[01:07:28] extent that it like nullifies whatever fucking profit I'm making.
[01:07:32] I'm just breaking even because it's like, yeah, low maintenance or whatever.
[01:07:35] But the integration of like, Patreon, Shopify is bullshit.
[01:07:38] What I have to do is like, export the entire patron list, which is constantly changing.
[01:07:43] Gay, individually mail everyone discount codes.
[01:07:49] That's what I might do is I'm thinking about it is just order shirts, hold my own inventory,
[01:07:57] set up a separate site just for premium subscribers.
[01:08:02] I mean, but you know, I told people I'd do it.
[01:08:03] So that would, I would have to just do the fulfillment myself like I did with the handful
[01:08:07] of shirts that I sold, which by the way, are all now in the mail.
[01:08:12] You should have gotten an email with tracking information.
[01:08:16] If you bought one of those shirts, there's only 38 people that did.
[01:08:19] But if you're one of the people that nabbed leftover Andre shirts.
[01:08:24] Because my shit's on my friend, Chris's site.