[00:00:00] welcome to come town premium and you guys might have noticed that we don't

[00:00:05] do theme music anymore we got rid of it we get different theme music I don't

[00:00:10] know probably not I don't think there's a reason to even have same music what if

[00:00:13] we just go boom like we do it I think you can get sued for that really yeah

[00:00:22] yeah I'm not called us and threatened to fuck us in the ass if we didn't stop

[00:00:26] using the yeah well now I saw Lewis I did Lewis's podcast he's like what are

[00:00:30] you gonna do when you guys actually have an audience and you get sued you know

[00:00:35] and I was like you know I don't think about things yeah it's called down

[00:00:41] I'm not worried about it's not like you know when I had the millions of times I

[00:00:47] got in my car drunk I wasn't like what's gonna happen when I get pulled over for

[00:00:51] learning over a family like no I just want to have a good time podcasting in my

[00:00:56] car while drunk driving around podcasting this is the driving episode we are all

[00:01:03] in Toxia we just had a shut the fuck up I'm explaining why the why we're not

[00:01:07] doing the theme song so he goes so Lewis says Lewis says he goes well what are

[00:01:15] you gonna do when you get sued I'm like I don't know I'm not worried about it

[00:01:18] yeah and then he's like all right dude and then he's like what do you want for

[00:01:21] your intro music and I was like I guess the home improvement thing he's like

[00:01:24] all right and then he just plays it on his podcast so I don't think I mean I

[00:01:28] guess Ari Shafir just steals copyrighted material every episode yeah is it

[00:01:33] different does he make money off his probably ads yeah I think so yeah yeah I

[00:01:40] don't know so my point is if Tim Allen's listening Sue Ari Shafir you know

[00:01:47] don't uh let's do it or actually you know what the podcast is actually produced

[00:01:54] and the guy who owns the podcast I guess because we never established that

[00:01:59] because he is a good sort of an ass in business entity yeah Seth Cockfield is

[00:02:04] the legal owner of the podcast we're just so proud so we get we take a cut of

[00:02:10] the profits which is a hundred percent and then Seth is the owner so we've

[00:02:14] negotiated yeah so Seth is legally responsible for anything we do on the

[00:02:18] podcast yep so if you want to sue somebody sue him that being said if you

[00:02:23] want to go ahead and try and produce your own theme music for the podcast

[00:02:26] please do upload it to you know wherever send it to me I won't listen to it and

[00:02:32] I won't respond to your message so we're just gonna go and throw in

[00:02:35] music from now on okay yeah I think that works a little bit better Adam do you

[00:02:39] have a coffee going I do yeah it's going right now okay cool okay Shannon and

[00:02:45] man shall LP leaders and lawyer development interesting that Adam has

[00:02:50] just mugs from law firms and banks his apartment we're an Adams apartment today

[00:02:59] amber is mad at the podcast boys for doing too much podcasting and Casa no

[00:03:07] now we don't fucking now we won't podcasting that fucking cat vomit smelling

[00:03:11] apartment yeah well you know I don't like leaving my apartment yeah I know we

[00:03:16] know that this is an objectively much nicer place to do it hundred percent

[00:03:20] yeah we should just do it or my place that's why Adam's like the worst member

[00:03:24] of the show is because his life is so nice is like you do have the best life

[00:03:28] for sure you fuck too much in your apartments to what's that no you have the

[00:03:32] best life for I don't have a nice life at all you have a much better life yeah

[00:03:35] you can I have no you are in comedy all are you and stop or tall you fuck

[00:03:42] marginally taller than you guys less strong probably the most that's true I

[00:03:48] lied to girls to have sex with them I lied to girls no one's told the truth

[00:03:53] and fucked ever it's never happened literally ever true yeah God didn't even

[00:03:59] do that God fucked Mary and pretend it he was a man the lie Jesus is mom the

[00:04:07] father actually that's not as an angel sucked God's dick and spit the come into

[00:04:11] Mary's yeah well that's that's more of a Greek take on origin mess yeah that

[00:04:16] shit I think you know Zeus pretends to be a fucking a goose a woman sucks the

[00:04:22] goose's head and then the head turns into a dick yeah then she spits the

[00:04:26] common like a like a puppies vagina yeah and that's where Hercules that is

[00:04:33] true that that happened he was a product of a rape right just like G

[00:04:37] everybody in in Greek mythology is like rape no no Zeus fucked good a car

[00:04:42] other people did yeah yeah Zeus would come down and fuck mortals but Zeus's

[00:04:46] wife was a Hera and then they produced Ares so Hercules was like the half

[00:04:51] brother of Ares yeah God of war yeah yeah yeah but Hercules was cuter and

[00:04:57] Ares was mad at him uh-huh yeah yeah I like Hercules yeah and Kevin Kevin

[00:05:03] Sorba my knowledge of Greek mythology comes from the show Hercules Kevin

[00:05:08] the show Zina yeah in the video game God of War yeah what about the the

[00:05:13] Disney movie Hercules I didn't see it this is pretty good I mean there was

[00:05:17] little it was an actor but pretty good I never saw it there was a there was a

[00:05:21] what is this as what are those the bad guy the bad guy issues the bad guy

[00:05:26] where that movie is yeah he's it's uh what's his name yeah the dead guy Hades

[00:05:34] you know I don't want to say Herod but that was yeah that's a real what's his

[00:05:38] story you and realize Persephone Persephone in Hades is that the story

[00:05:43] Persephone yes she's the pomegranate goes back you know

[00:05:47] a shocking amount is that from God of War no I think that's from actually

[00:05:51] reading Greek mythology with all just pretty tight I used to do this shit yeah

[00:05:54] I remember being a kid reading it and it's like why the fuck is in the Bible

[00:05:57] like this yeah everyone fuck everyone yeah they all swords yeah they have

[00:06:02] everyone has superpowers like Ares yeah the Bible is nothing but like Jews

[00:06:06] telling their sons what they can't do until their sons murder them I don't

[00:06:10] know I like that version better it sucks dude I like it every once in a while

[00:06:14] God gets mad and fucks everyone up destroys it yeah

[00:06:18] your village kills kills an entire village for being gay for inventing being gay

[00:06:23] we're just like talking a different language yeah understand oh yeah you got

[00:06:28] pissed off at me you know I didn't destroy that tower because they knew a

[00:06:32] lot of what he does 9-11 on the tower of battle it was the first because they

[00:06:35] invented the Rosetta stone basically yeah what a piece of shit yeah he was a

[00:06:40] I mean I like that one Greek mythology is great because it's like they're dead

[00:06:45] beat dead like poly poly poly poly poly theistic religion I guess is

[00:06:51] they're always have imperfect beings is their deities yeah so they're like yeah

[00:06:57] I mean I guess not it's all Don Draper's it's all fucking and it's like

[00:07:00] complicated anti-heroes yeah cool guys cool guys the fuck yeah don't they care

[00:07:05] they're kids I guess they do the same thing like Saints that Saints is as close

[00:07:08] as it gets to to that yeah but Saints have to be Pussies and like good they

[00:07:12] used to be cool and then they come to the church or with all this is the

[00:07:15] closest like thing to polytheism because they have the three deities yeah

[00:07:21] that's every that's all fucking the Holy Trinity Trinity that's not all the

[00:07:26] same though no that's not all Christianity first of all no way yes it is

[00:07:31] no Catholics are way that's a basic tenant of fucking no evangelicals think

[00:07:36] that you can form a connection with God directly yeah but everyone has the

[00:07:40] true the Trinity bit yeah the Holy Trinity don't fuck it do I tell you about

[00:07:44] Yarmicos they don't have the Trinity is they do all right well look it up watch

[00:07:49] the Matrix I've watched Matrix 3 reloaded so what's the Neo supposed to be

[00:07:55] what's he Jesus Jesus yeah it's all a Jesus allegory but isn't that every

[00:08:00] movie is a star wars fucking well no I Star Wars is actually an alcata yeah

[00:08:06] that's true I mean really the rebels are supposed to be alcata that's also the

[00:08:11] Empire is you know Western civilization oh tight yeah like I mean honestly though

[00:08:17] imagine that fucking world wouldn't you rather live on a star destroyer hell

[00:08:21] yes of course it's cool and it's like honestly I don't understand what they

[00:08:26] do that's particularly bad other than like try to kill the people they're

[00:08:30] trying to blow up their fucking space station they destroy it they kill a lot

[00:08:34] of innocent people isn't that this that's the argument in clerks is that

[00:08:38] imagine how many like jobs the Death Star created oh yeah you know and they

[00:08:41] like yeah so they're not really that bad this we're getting into Hackney

[00:08:44] territory yeah we're it's a when I venture outside of Star Wars to comment

[00:08:49] on on the racist characters in which race each one is uh-huh then um you know

[00:08:54] it's theater I'm not speaking from a place of passion yeah yeah I only

[00:08:59] appreciate Star Wars for being for the races yeah for being the minstrel

[00:09:03] shows it is yeah a long time you go in a galaxy old old far away yeah I I I

[00:09:12] think um I think I was never really into Star Wars I was more of a Star Trek

[00:09:17] kid were you I thought we were I could have sworn we were doing a podcast and

[00:09:21] you said you'd never seen Star Trek and you know what the holodeck was no I

[00:09:25] never said that actually who was it that I was talking to the I mean I know

[00:09:31] what it was I wasn't a big Star Trek guy but I know what the fucking holiday

[00:09:34] there was someone I was talking to they were talking about Star Trek who

[00:09:37] the fuck was it maybe it was like Dan Soder or something do you think you

[00:09:41] could get hard and put your dick in a holodeck into someone's pussy what do

[00:09:45] you yeah like you're simulate I beat off the porn all the time of course I

[00:09:49] could fuck yeah basically simulation holiday I'm thinking of I'm thinking of

[00:09:55] the thing where they transport yeah yeah maybe it was just you know I don't

[00:09:59] fuck who the fuck was someone that was like jarring that they were like yeah

[00:10:02] apparently on Star Trek they had this like fantasy room where you could go in

[00:10:05] what yeah and I was like what the holodeck and they're like yeah seems like a

[00:10:09] tricky kind I know but it was it was bizarre whoever they fucking were I'm

[00:10:13] like are you fucking with me I'm like cuz I would get it if you're trying to

[00:10:16] do a bit and just sort of fell flat yeah I had no idea which seems like there's

[00:10:21] people that think they're being funny and they say weird shit like that right

[00:10:24] and it's like yeah you know that's not a joke you're just lying right right I

[00:10:30] work with a guy like that he's always like you know I'm like well what time

[00:10:33] will be done today and it'll be like probably like four o'clock in the

[00:10:37] morning oh my god shit all right and he's like what a fucking because you go

[00:10:41] Nick I'm kidding it's like okay well half the time it is that fucking was he

[00:10:47] the guy that sent the fry memes like to complain no that guy sucked oh oh

[00:10:52] frying hell yes yeah fry memes and wonka memes those together that's a

[00:10:59] good quite a fucking one-two combo that's that's the worst party you become a

[00:11:02] comedian and you like you have like you know more of like a discerning

[00:11:06] understanding of like what you know is good funny and what is stupid oh shit

[00:11:10] and then you go work a job and people are like well I can't believe you're a

[00:11:13] comedian because you're like not funny at all and it's like yeah I don't want

[00:11:16] to fucking be here I don't want to talk to you I want to get through this

[00:11:19] fucking shitty day with shitty people I hate working Apapa John so which I was

[00:11:22] dead also I feel like kill myself in the walk-in I don't want to be here and then

[00:11:26] regular people like I mean like you know those guys they'll joke around in the

[00:11:31] way they joke around is like that kind of way like lying right right and they

[00:11:35] think it's funny I worked with I I knew this guy one time and this guy I

[00:11:41] lived with who's actually he did he did comedy for a while I'm pretty sure he

[00:11:44] quit but he's nice guy I don't want to throw him under the bus but not

[00:11:47] particularly funny so he goes you know we were on our way to this venue that I

[00:11:50] had never been to and he was like this is actually where they they shot that

[00:11:55] foot clan scene in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I was like really he was

[00:12:00] like yeah it's like a skateboard venue and that's like you know oh yeah and I was

[00:12:04] like oh that's awesome you know yeah yeah and so I'm telling people I'm like yeah

[00:12:08] we're going to this place apparently it's where they like shot the you know and

[00:12:12] then we get there and I'm like this is in the place where they shot it he was

[00:12:15] like you believe that I'm like why wouldn't I believe that he's like I'm not a joke

[00:12:20] yeah he's presented a zero fucking content you just say anything I got

[00:12:24] point over here I'm like oh yeah that's actually the house Sally Fields grew up

[00:12:27] in they're like really I'm like no idiot you fucking thought Sally Fields grew

[00:12:32] up at some point she's famous dude God why don't you learn how to fucking take

[00:12:38] a joke Sally Fields was even when she was young she was like she looked

[00:12:43] like a mom was there first thing she was a nun that was like her first thing

[00:12:47] the flying nun was the person she got the flying nun was she in Gilgens Island

[00:12:51] now no boy Gilgens Island was Mort Saul Donald Sutherland yeah Betty White

[00:13:00] Dick Van Dyke yep yeah Gary Cooper damn I would love to fuck Ginger yeah

[00:13:05] huh boys Ginger Mary and Mary Anne was mine not I'm much

[00:13:10] Gilgens Island come on no no I did it was never on it wasn't on I didn't have

[00:13:14] cable so it was on Nick at night when I was a kid enough yeah I feel like they

[00:13:18] should have gotten saved right it was a three-hour tour something like yeah they

[00:13:22] should have gotten saved yeah it's like a dumb is it's impossible yeah who's in it

[00:13:27] was the name of the producer the guy that like made all that money the Gilgens

[00:13:30] island money I barely know anybody goes on I just know that I wanted to fuck

[00:13:35] ginger well you brought up as if it was your favorite fucking show did not my

[00:13:38] show show I watched maybe like eight literally eight times as a child and maybe

[00:13:43] that's why I want to fuck Redhead so my maybe it's ginger maybe it's not my

[00:13:47] sixth-grade teacher what about ginger spice Jerry hell hell yes dude yeah

[00:13:51] yeah yeah she was your favorite she was my favorite for sure posh cuz she was a

[00:13:54] bit posh yeah did you want to fuck any of the spice girls no not really I didn't

[00:13:59] know the attention of the spice girls oh no not me what did you what were you or

[00:14:04] were the early women that you had crushes on fuck I think I wanted to fuck

[00:14:10] that girl that went to the Olympics for ice skating Tonya Harding the Chinese

[00:14:16] girl oh Lucy Lou yeah no no no no no Christy Yamaguchi yeah yeah yeah yeah

[00:14:23] Michelle Kwan which one maybe but I don't know Yamaguchi was early yeah

[00:14:28] she was hotter well they you know you could see they were like sparkly shit

[00:14:32] all over their pussy when I was in third grade that did like a lot for me yeah

[00:14:36] this is true the eye to the pussy I wanted to fuck Kelly Bundy oh of course

[00:14:42] you wanted to fuck Kelly Bundy yeah you know I met Christina Applegate she

[00:14:47] really good yeah well she was older at the time so yeah I wouldn't fuck her

[00:14:52] probably like ten years ago I mean she you tell she wanted to yeah it was kind

[00:15:00] of annoying it's kind of her ammo I just fucking just strangers that happen to

[00:15:04] be in proximity to where did you meet her the Kennedy Center oh yeah yeah

[00:15:11] yeah Kennedy Center fucking someone when I was there last someone craze it was

[00:15:16] like they were honoring someone under who was I think like Dick Cabot was

[00:15:19] there she's still alive he looked old as shit so maybe it was it's so weird that

[00:15:24] they do comedy there the Mark Twain it's the Mark Twain prize right that's

[00:15:27] they do yeah but the the millennium but no they do like do shows there yeah I

[00:15:32] like stay I haven't you work I saw a lute yeah I did a show there once yeah the

[00:15:37] one the one millennium the millennium stage is bad for comedy yeah too big it

[00:15:40] was in the hall it's by the bathroom it should sucks my dick but but people

[00:15:46] remember in in fifth grade we had to go to the county center to see it like an

[00:15:50] opera it's like a field trip thing really yeah I forget what we saw but we had

[00:15:54] this weird Greek music teacher yeah yeah we need to go it was like the end of the

[00:15:59] year they brought us to see an opera I kind of want to see an opera like now I

[00:16:03] hated that bitch why she just saw she's a bitch we had like a cool music teacher

[00:16:08] prior to that and then she he like retired or something like he was like

[00:16:12] fun you know like fun with the kids right whatever you know yeah you're like

[00:16:16] names for all the instruments he's like you know you know I mean yeah we talked

[00:16:19] about before but he was a homosexual yeah he's definitely gay shit yeah yeah

[00:16:23] every fun teacher you had now men's school was gay shit yeah yeah mr.

[00:16:28] Larry was it a f us in his name but whatever there's this guy who's just like

[00:16:31] the fun is first great teachers singing song yeah he's like we took he took us

[00:16:36] to see him in Peter Pan or some shit he just like he like comes out and tight

[00:16:41] and I'm like man he's so creative me yeah my mom's like yeah we're just like

[00:16:47] he's gay yeah that's what that's basically little in the situation was we had a

[00:16:53] gay music teacher there was a lot of fucking fun there he placed her in this

[00:16:56] Greek bitch and she fucking sucked dick dude she uh oh man so like we had the

[00:17:03] you know the member box tops for education where if you bring in yeah yeah

[00:17:06] from cereal so our school had like a goal like if we got to fucking you know

[00:17:10] two thousand buy whatever you know five hundred dollars two thousand dollars

[00:17:14] whatever the amount was in box tops they would like there was like a prize and

[00:17:18] you know yeah and so the prizes the options were you know there was three

[00:17:23] things that everyone kind of voted on initially as like ballot options because

[00:17:26] everything had to tie into like teaching kids about democracy or whatever

[00:17:29] right simple shit so you know there's a like different and then there was like

[00:17:33] a write-in option so it was like you know either the principal kisses a pig

[00:17:37] or whatever they get a little bit of an egg from a farm and she had to kiss it I

[00:17:41] thought was the one that ended up winning the principal and a kiss but stupid

[00:17:45] big yeah and then there was a couple other ones but then there was this kid

[00:17:49] Chris who was like uh I mean whenever Anthony we were like friends with him

[00:17:53] we're all in the baseball team together and we're all like sucked and we

[00:17:56] sort of like you know Chris was at like the sort of the bottom of that packing

[00:18:00] order in between me Anthony and Chris or whatever and Chris was like kind of

[00:18:04] like he was just like a dumbass he was like a loop and like didn't think about

[00:18:08] shit so they all had they put out like the ballots of like what you could vote

[00:18:11] for to happen if we got like the box stops and so in a write-in space and

[00:18:16] these are anonymous they just hand where I want everyone they're anonymous and he

[00:18:20] wrote his name at the top for some reason and then in the like it like other

[00:18:24] section he writes down uh mrs. Vasilio should jump off to school and kill herself

[00:18:29] and he's like this is right and then he erases his name and turns it into his name

[00:18:35] still like clearly visible he got like suspended and I did like write an

[00:18:39] apology that one was probably so sad like some fucking overworked like single

[00:18:46] because he's up there's so many there's a specific type of like uptight Greek

[00:18:49] woman who's like 36 has never fucked because she's like she still lives at

[00:18:53] home with her fucking parents and shit yeah yeah she's probably just like trying

[00:18:57] to get through the fucking day and she's like she sees this shit can't couldn't

[00:19:01] relate to kids as a child and then is it even now she's getting bullied yeah

[00:19:07] no I hated her though well I had like what would we should I had an offspring

[00:19:12] CD that she took from me oh no I wasn't even fucking like trying to put it on

[00:19:15] or anything I just had with me and she's like you can't have this parental

[00:19:18] advisory yeah yeah what a bitch my parents bought it for me we we she like

[00:19:23] was she like was she that kind of she like a spinster or do you think she

[00:19:27] have a family and shit or do you know do you remember no I mean you know I'm six

[00:19:31] I just like she's a bitch okay I remember I had a fucking terrible music

[00:19:37] teacher who I was like this guy fucking sucks but it was clear that he was just

[00:19:40] a fucking loser he was just like yeah some he was going through a divorce I

[00:19:44] found out later yeah he had a fucking terrible I was like why is this guy's

[00:19:48] hair so stupid yeah the worst wig you've ever seen you fucking oh I had a

[00:19:52] teacher like that yeah in high school who taught government and he would wear

[00:19:56] suits and there's no reason to wear suits it wasn't a private school and he had

[00:19:59] that he was also a magician oh so he would like you know we're gonna start

[00:20:03] the class with a magic trick we're gonna do like one magic trick yeah yeah

[00:20:08] he was the guy's he was the guy I told the story before about who called the

[00:20:11] retarded kid professor I told you that there's a retarded kid in the class and

[00:20:15] be like who's got the answer that you professor no okay I told I told this

[00:20:21] story right I think so it's so fucking funny yeah and he had this like piece

[00:20:25] of shit like fucking butte like a like a like a mid 90s Buick regal with a

[00:20:31] trunk didn't close so it's like held shut by a bungee core you know as he

[00:20:37] like went over you know and me and my dad ran into him at the grocery store

[00:20:42] one time and he was like wearing some like shitty you know not like a nice

[00:20:48] tracksuit but that like I don't know what the material is a real loud

[00:20:51] fun yeah yeah yeah yeah which is what she fuck I learned yeah a track suit yeah

[00:20:57] and he had a shopping cart just filled with fucking velveeta oh like mac and

[00:21:03] sheet oh yeah a grown-ass and you know every that whole neighborhood is all

[00:21:10] just like people that have been divorced so like fucking you know just

[00:21:13] shitty half of them were like you know section eight condos I guess so he was

[00:21:18] probably divorced and he just and he's like oh oh hey how's it going and like

[00:21:22] he had this instant reaction when he saw me where he like didn't know what to

[00:21:26] hide first you know he was just like oh hello just punched you

[00:21:31] right yeah it is every part of it was fucking embarrassing Jesus Christ I had

[00:21:36] a I had a teacher in middle school who first semester we could tell she was

[00:21:42] going through a divorce and then she like would tell us like I'm not living

[00:21:45] with Rob anymore she'd be like she'd start talking about her roommate I

[00:21:50] guess it was like maybe ninth grade she started talking about her roommate and

[00:21:54] then by the end of second semester she was in a lesbian relationship with her

[00:21:59] with her construction worker roommate Jill hell yeah but it was so funny because

[00:22:05] like at the beginning of the year we'd like be reading normal books like I

[00:22:08] love the I love the lesbians that look like playmobile figurines

[00:22:13] woman had she's like well I'm a construction worker so I always wear the

[00:22:17] boots she never takes the utility belt off she's everyone know how much of a

[00:22:22] fucking lesbian she had a straight up Jerry curl like blonde Jerry curl oh yeah

[00:22:27] Jill and I was on the debate team so some miss Roberts the teacher was also the

[00:22:31] debate coach so that's how I knew about her personal life and but in English

[00:22:36] like the beginning of the year we're reading like Tale of Two Cities like

[00:22:39] you know the books you read in high school and then by the end of the year

[00:22:42] like every book was femlet like every really like the yellow wallpaper Kate

[00:22:47] Chopin's The Awakening it was all like this is what men drive women to do

[00:22:52] they carry babies to turn for nine months and they always turn on you and

[00:22:58] you know that there was no such thing as postpartum depression until very

[00:23:01] recently and women were in their own prisons yeah she was just like going

[00:23:05] absolutely nuts at us and we were like like is this gonna be on the test or

[00:23:10] sorry no I had an English teacher that very fat very fat woman and she oh fuck

[00:23:17] she fucking she had like we had to read nothing but like what's like we read a

[00:23:23] raisin in the Sun and we read like a lot of a book was the August August Wilson

[00:23:28] play yeah and but then she also had like an adopted black son so she was like

[00:23:35] this is like you know I mean nobody said woke like ten years ago she was this

[00:23:39] fat bitch she's like you know and I have to explain to my son but she was like

[00:23:43] you know a big fat de Blasio oh she was so happy my friend used to laugh you know

[00:23:48] cuz I remember I was black when he's a lab about like just her at home like

[00:23:51] painting her face black she like reads these plays like him this is me I had a

[00:23:59] teacher like adopted son kiss her face I had a teacher like me me my friend

[00:24:03] Alex were like best friends in high school I guess we were like disruptive

[00:24:06] and she fucking hated us and her name was Kitty hair so we just we just we used to

[00:24:12] see her pussy hair all the time like yes we'd be like oh yo we're in pussy hairs

[00:24:16] class together the semester like we got the schedules I remember we sat down

[00:24:20] one day she's like I will not be having this I will not be having you in the same

[00:24:24] class she like gets like red in the face and so she switched our schedules

[00:24:28] around so we just decided to like ignore the schedule switch so we'd like come

[00:24:34] to class like in the same like at the same period every every week and she

[00:24:38] like literally lost it she got the administration involved and then we just

[00:24:42] lie and be like I don't know what she's talking about she's making this up

[00:24:46] how the fuck did that work how did just claiming a teacher lied work and you

[00:24:51] got this day in the same class I'm sorry mrs. bitch but the children are saying

[00:24:55] that you're on pussy hair did fucking bitch yeah she didn't she only had she

[00:25:01] had no kids but she had a dog named Buddha and she just keep talking about

[00:25:04] her Buddha yeah it's not funny how like talking about her the education system

[00:25:08] is like filled with so many just adult dumbasses oh yeah because it's not a

[00:25:13] valued profession yeah like if you're paid as much as a doctor we had an

[00:25:16] assistant principal in middle school that you still like be like I'd like to

[00:25:21] see a meet in my office please and then he would call for this kid who would

[00:25:25] just help him with Final Fantasy 7 he was just playing his office

[00:25:32] during lunch you know it is incredible yeah holy fuck the coolest gym teacher in

[00:25:39] high school was this guy coach Cobert and like we fucking loved him everyone

[00:25:42] loved him and then like one day there's just fucking news trucks in front of

[00:25:47] the phone and yeah he was fucking his teachers they had she was so hot dude I

[00:25:53] can't explain what's wrong with that what's wrong with that what's wrong with

[00:25:58] she was 17 years old she was like a student like oh yeah she had like a

[00:26:03] period where she was she was so fucking hot and then like everyone's like free

[00:26:07] Cobert I would have done it too yeah dude there was there was this one coach

[00:26:12] who was just like the coolest smoothest dude and he was just like he was the

[00:26:16] football he played for that he he like was in the league for a while in the NFL

[00:26:20] for a sec and then he just like after you and he coached a track team he played

[00:26:27] the key he was like a smooth jazz like keyboard guy just a Jack like

[00:26:31] distinguished old black dude and later you just find out that like almost

[00:26:36] literally every eight every girl he coached on the track team like literally

[00:26:41] the day they turned 18 he fucked them he was just like schedule he did like

[00:26:47] every single one why the hell wouldn't you you know that's my question got I'm

[00:26:51] just saying it's pretty funny if the berries are ripe for picking the old

[00:26:55] expression goes we one time I I was a telemarketer in high school where I

[00:27:01] worked for this list I mean literally straight up aided the housing crisis I

[00:27:06] worked for a company a company called American government mortgage

[00:27:13] like you might have been called official real ass like they're straight up trying

[00:27:20] to trick dumbasses into thinking the government wants them to refinance I

[00:27:26] worked for them and then I looked up the gym teachers Nate like this guy fucking

[00:27:31] mr. Small his name was Cleon yeah and I was like and I just looked up his number

[00:27:36] and I was just like just because I got in somebody else on the football team a

[00:27:41] job there and I just got the most just pulled the most childish fucking prank

[00:27:47] or just we just called this house and we're like hi is this a is this Mr. Cleon

[00:27:50] small I was like is this Mr. Small and he was like yes and it was like we're

[00:27:55] calling from like I think literally like gay sex calm it was like it was some kind

[00:28:02] of gay porn site I was like you're I was like here you're and it was like you're

[00:28:07] fucking your account is much way overdue you owe thousands of dollars to gay sex

[00:28:12] calm he's like who is this and I was like how did you get I was like was your I'm

[00:28:17] sorry sir is your username ass master Cleon seven and I was like who

[00:28:23] fuck I think he literally said like stop rose like you literally said somebody's

[00:28:30] name it wasn't mine but he like yelled at students he knew it was like a fucking

[00:28:34] hit and prank calling is so much fun it was the best I used to do it a lot but

[00:28:38] we'd never think of anything that good yeah it was just yeah it's always like

[00:28:42] oh it's just uh is this Brian you're fucking gay

[00:28:48] dude um sorry I didn't think anything else I

[00:28:53] remember one time the bet one of the best laughs from a from a prank call that I

[00:28:58] ever remember was uh was one time we just prank called a random person and my

[00:29:03] friend was like hey is this uh he's like who is the guy was like who is this my

[00:29:06] friend was like Mike he's like Mike who's like Mike long and there's like he

[00:29:10] looked around and got like this fucking inspiration like Mike long dick in your

[00:29:15] mouth you know lost like you were like

[00:29:19] Mike that's such a bad joke Michael told me Michael told me when he was in

[00:29:26] college he there was a every dorm they didn't have internet but every

[00:29:29] dorm had a phone and you could like call random numbers and it was untraceable

[00:29:33] and you called one girl of once and it was like she like picked up and he

[00:29:36] couldn't think of anything he goes I'm gonna kill you

[00:29:43] my favorite Michael's story I'm gonna kill you he told me he's like uh when

[00:29:50] he was like 13 he was hanging out with friends in the woods and then they pulled

[00:29:53] out cigarettes and started smoking them and he like got scared and ran away

[00:30:00] I just pointed away running away not just being like no thank you

[00:30:11] fuck dude I was scared of weed so much yeah he's funny funny guy too bad he's

[00:30:18] dead yeah he died and he got killed by the police after threatening that poor

[00:30:22] woman that's it that was yeah I should do more prank calls yeah why not I would

[00:30:29] like a nice prank call another we call this girl in high school or middle

[00:30:34] school and we're like is this Haley and she was like yeah we're like would you

[00:30:39] wear shoes if you don't have feet and she was like no they were like the why

[00:30:44] do you wear a bra she cried it got the school involved my friend David got in

[00:30:50] trouble Jesus yeah I was so mean why'd you burn her for having little titties

[00:30:53] she was a bitch to be honest she was really mean but uh you didn't be cool to

[00:30:57] it like accused girls of not having pussies why do you wear underwear yeah

[00:31:02] what do you wear underwear you are heard Stephanie doesn't even have a pussy

[00:31:06] she's like a kendall down there yeah she's completely smooth what's up Stephanie

[00:31:11] smooth pussy shut up I have a pussy I'm telling people I don't have a pussy bitch

[00:31:18] that would be cool that'll be truly cool yeah so I'm I'm worried that there's

[00:31:25] gonna be a drop off in the audience of this podcast after the after the election

[00:31:29] you know yeah we are pretty political I mean that's why people listen you know

[00:31:33] they need help deciding you know they're like who the fuck is this who's is why is

[00:31:37] his Hillary bitch can't stop sending emails is this the last before the

[00:31:41] election it's probably yeah it is yeah well we have to fucking you got to do a

[00:31:47] recap the last one we talk Sunday and then elections Tuesday and the next

[00:31:50] episode is Wednesday this one's going up what Sunday Saturday Sunday Saturday

[00:31:56] yeah Saturday no the election Z8 yeah it's Tuesday oh this is the last one before

[00:32:00] the last one before the last one before the last two are big recap well first

[00:32:02] of all I'm firmly with her Nick is Trump and stops undecided right I'm

[00:32:08] undecided so I'm not voting for Trump we are voting for anybody guys sway me

[00:32:13] which one should I vote for I think you should I think you should write in the

[00:32:15] N word people want to say that this country is becoming racist you know oh

[00:32:20] look at all these people voting for Donald Trump that proves how racist this

[00:32:23] country is let's show them really how we be real racist fucking get the N word

[00:32:27] into the White House yeah the word the president I love I love that like in 2008

[00:32:36] like the Obama inauguration people showing selling shirts with like Obama

[00:32:39] and MLK shaking hands as dream achieved and then eight years later it's like well

[00:32:45] there's a white supremacist

[00:32:50] just completely backfired I remember yeah being living in DC for oh it was

[00:32:58] like really fun and it was disappointing six months later but there's a dude

[00:33:03] selling t-shirts on the street like the bootleg t-shirt market in DC oh my

[00:33:06] god around inauguration was amazing that there's this one dude selling t-shirts

[00:33:11] that just said the black house on it is a picture of the White House black is

[00:33:17] my favorite one was a bedazzled one where it wasn't MLK it was like it was

[00:33:22] literally I think Tupac yeah I think it was like Tupac there's a lot of

[00:33:25] there's so many so many is like Obama's got boxing gloves on there's like

[00:33:29] rhinestones in the boxing gloves and Floyd Mayweather's there Frederick Douglas

[00:33:36] not a ring-side cast yeah it's Obama knocking out

[00:33:43] oh man well yeah I mean I just think that actually you know what the best one

[00:33:48] was not to think about it that Obama has the Scarface oh yeah that Scarface

[00:33:53] poster Obama because it's like that's Cubans and it wasn't even a Cuban guy in

[00:34:00] that role no it also means die yeah Scarface is a bad guy

[00:34:08] that guy is a bad movie I don't understand why people like it so much yeah we've

[00:34:13] covered that yeah we have but you know what after watching it again it's like

[00:34:16] it's a bad movie but it's a bad movie because people like it so much I can

[00:34:21] the grand scheme of things pretty funny it's okay it's okay it's no one that

[00:34:24] really likes it is like well it's bad but Brian DePaul was doing some

[00:34:28] interesting stuff yeah I like it because it's like guns yeah coke fucking yeah

[00:34:34] I'm better than those guys because I do irony yeah which is a lot different

[00:34:39] than actually liking anything yeah right it's true it is very liberating to be

[00:34:46] able to not like anything yeah you know that's that's a very freeing yeah that's

[00:34:51] why I can't go to sleep without white noise or I'll accidentally hear my real

[00:34:54] thoughts do you think you think Trump is like the original irony boy do you

[00:34:58] think he like started believing it he's not the original anything no he sucks

[00:35:03] he doesn't believe anything he's an idiot he really is he's a dumb guy people

[00:35:08] give him too much credit for being a guy as a as a politician he's great he's

[00:35:14] really is fun yeah he's yeah he's a lot of you're judging him by the standard

[00:35:18] it's like you know when people are like Michelle Obama is so beautiful it's like

[00:35:22] is she yeah come on down the street you wouldn't do it never never in your

[00:35:28] life you're hotter than like Lady Bird Johnson yeah I think I think a lot of

[00:35:32] that stuff it's fucking like you hear the people that are all about beautiful

[00:35:37] fucking Michelle Obama is it's usually like white girls that like are sort of

[00:35:42] addressing some kind of internal racism they have about black women not being

[00:35:46] attractive so they have to reiterate over and over again she's psyched the most

[00:35:50] beautiful woman in the world it's like you know you don't really think that

[00:35:53] you're overcompensating for the fact that you you don't actually think that at

[00:35:57] all right she's a hot like 50 something woman who dresses night like she puts

[00:36:03] it all together she's a rich as hell like yeah being rich makes you hot that's

[00:36:08] what that's why like whenever every famous person is hot she dresses nice she

[00:36:12] seems like a good mom I guess I don't know I know now that it's out in the open

[00:36:19] I know a girl that smoked weed with their kid Malia yeah yeah yeah who should I

[00:36:26] say I can't say you can say you brought it up that girl that girl Jesse she

[00:36:30] smoked weed fuck is Jesse I don't know Jesse

[00:36:35] a person you don't have to get bullied by Nick what the fuck I'm not gonna say

[00:36:39] why why she smoked me with the president's honor is pretty cool I think it's

[00:36:45] cool if you could be the president's honor in the White House and spoke we

[00:36:49] there's never been a single hot and fuck is never been a single hot

[00:36:53] politician other than that the not the Israel Nazi what's her name fire I'll

[00:36:58] let yeah I'll check it yeah she's she's hot but really only not that hot it's

[00:37:03] that one picture where she's fucking bang it's like the Ukrainian lady with

[00:37:07] the princess Leia braid yeah everyone's like actually the president of Ukraine's

[00:37:13] real hot and it's just in that one picture right yeah and then also the

[00:37:16] Argent it this is something I've studied extensively who's hot and also the

[00:37:19] head of state yeah the Argentinian lady looked all right there's probably like

[00:37:24] Congress women that are hot no none of them not a single one I was the funniest

[00:37:28] thing is like when you watch the state it when you know there is it dude I mean

[00:37:32] like we've gone I would kind of smack I would kind of smash Nikki Haley I would

[00:37:36] do I would do Giffords but only like wall in the emergency oh my god okay

[00:37:41] yeah the lady they got shot yeah but I just like they like fucking parade her

[00:37:47] out every time they want to get a standing ovation look she's not dead I

[00:37:51] want to do it with her with her sexy new accent but she has you can't like her

[00:37:57] husband was a an astronaut right yeah yeah I'm a different kind of astronaut

[00:38:02] oh yeah I'm about to blast off of the where though trying to yeah the eagle

[00:38:06] has landed and by the eagle I mean my fucking dick and balls that's I mean

[00:38:11] when you was one small dick for a man one giant leap for my fucking criminal

[00:38:18] record when you watch the state of the union when you what when you watch the

[00:38:31] state of the Union though like it is first of all I don't I don't watch I mean I

[00:38:37] don't watch it every sports and guess what I'm watching instead I'm watching him

[00:38:41] watching fucking karate happen you know even if it's not on I'm paying homeless

[00:38:46] people to fight I watch I want real man the second triple X triple X say the

[00:38:51] Union whatever the ice cube yeah with ice cube yeah um no wouldn't fuck Nikki

[00:38:56] Haley by the way I take that back what you know she's asked you know so she's

[00:38:59] basically when you watch the state of the Union it's just it's fascinating to see

[00:39:03] like literally Obama and maybe Paul Ryder the only good looking Paul Ryan

[00:39:07] yeah the entire room more no Malley's in a mario match do you admit Romy's in a

[00:39:13] tray there are so many fucking muppets though yeah that in elected office like

[00:39:18] fucking John Kerry looks literally like a frank and he looks like dog shit

[00:39:23] how the hell like if you think it's like a poppy how the hell like you look like

[00:39:26] you were dead cruises the ugly side back tonight started melting that's what John

[00:39:31] yeah oh damn it's fun to do there's bitches in the world that are hot dude I'm

[00:39:38] looking at it right now hottest heads of state is this who you guys are talking

[00:39:41] about Argentina lady yeah she look good now Merkel's hot she's dirty the Hillary

[00:39:48] look good oh Mara Carfangya from Italy us some dude in here I bet I bet

[00:39:53] Merkel's got some serious kangels the mayor the mayor of Rome is fine as fuck

[00:39:58] and she's like Beva in Russia she's a oh wait Palin you guys wouldn't fuck Sarah

[00:40:03] Palin oh I would oh eight Palin I fuck Lisa and dude yeah no she's taking that

[00:40:09] same category is yeah what's her name vagina right right right

[00:40:13] right right II vagina yeah she look good now I'm feeling nah she looks like she

[00:40:18] gets mad she looks like shit I mean she looks okay again it's like you're

[00:40:21] judging on this politician scale of course this guys is getting really

[00:40:26] misogynistic I I would like to say that I would fuck every woman in the world

[00:40:31] in the mouth and ass I agree yeah because you know what that's just a

[00:40:37] mouth but I'm not put to read hard on Twitter the fucking yeah who is that

[00:40:41] guy who's the new black he plays the not rapist security guard or but you

[00:40:46] fucking corrections all corrections oh yeah well corrections officer but that

[00:40:50] dip shitty post some picture the other day he's reading like a book by the

[00:40:54] fireplace it's like how to eat pussy or whatever and it's like man this is so

[00:40:59] fucking transparent I mean I guess he always has been but that's terrible I

[00:41:02] literally have a that joke didn't you get a tad of the female reproductive

[00:41:08] system with his dad they both got the China tattoos yeah yeah not vagina

[00:41:13] fucking you're you're you're right this you're anonymous you would have fucking

[00:41:19] uterus the uterus is actually a myth the vagina in the asshole or the same

[00:41:24] tube it's true that is true when you go it says feminist bullshit this idea

[00:41:29] that women have kids and they're responsible for doing it's actually a

[00:41:32] man that has a kid mm-hmm the woman doesn't do shit they're just trying to

[00:41:36] take credit for everything that is true they just yeah the man gets pregnant and

[00:41:40] then the woman just decides to get fat as shit for nine months because she's

[00:41:43] got an excuse oh that was like one of my favorite jokes in middle school brings

[00:41:47] the baby that the male store well the female we used to be like you're

[00:41:54] having wine with her story

[00:41:57] yeah not earning a living he's not delivering babies she's at home spreading

[00:42:03] rumors gossiping staining your beak purple and getting old as shit losing

[00:42:10] value in society eventually nobody wants to look at her legs she tries to stay

[00:42:16] in shape it just makes me look worse this all sinewy like a pissed-off

[00:42:22] skeleton

[00:42:24] looking like beef jerky bitch guy slim gems for life who the hell

[00:42:33] tried out my scars oh that's a bitch like he laughing my man laughing cuz you

[00:42:39] know he knows he knows he's gonna be playing be looking like some fucking

[00:42:43] Slim Jim laughing whoa he know look at him look at it this like so old it look

[00:42:51] like a cartoon stink lines on him he laughing cuz he know we've been talking

[00:42:58] about this for days but that's the fun that's one of the best ones dude that's

[00:43:01] that's on there in terms of tricks as like look at that tight ass shirt he

[00:43:06] laughing cuz he know oh we'll get a second laugh out of anything any is

[00:43:09] terrible crowd work if you combine those two if you cause someone shirt little

[00:43:16] as hell then say she laughing cuz she knowed to his girlfriend standing out

[00:43:20] yeah how many more things you think we're gonna have to talk about on this

[00:43:25] podcast totality this podcast we're fucked yeah we're fucked yeah we gotta

[00:43:28] start getting guests or something who are interested at a certain point we're

[00:43:32] just gonna hang out and just hold microphones plugged into nothing yeah

[00:43:36] well I like that you know everyone's like you know I was like I'm gonna start

[00:43:41] podcast and people were like what's it gonna be about I'm like it's fucking

[00:43:44] retarded you know yeah have it it's just you are comedian you should just have

[00:43:48] a podcast no one's gonna listen to it right right right yeah and then fucking

[00:43:51] friends just oh yeah good job doing all the dumb shit I thought we'd do it's

[00:43:56] like a fucking website or whatever yeah and then overnight became the most

[00:44:00] successful podcast of all time 40 million downloads yeah literally last

[00:44:05] hour and then yeah most of them illegal yeah oh yeah people are stealing shit

[00:44:10] I'm pirating our shit bitch we I'm gonna call the fucking internet police on

[00:44:14] that ass yeah we'll back trace that ass yeah well we'll do nothing of this sort

[00:44:18] if you can figure out how to steal a go for it I'd say you know cuz I really

[00:44:22] you I don't understand you can not I gotta I got a chip I understand you can

[00:44:26] every download you can be like a free speech advocate and believe in intellectual

[00:44:30] property yeah of course you can't own ideas yeah it's bullshit yeah it's

[00:44:34] stupid it's literally the dumbest yeah we have some serious ideas but don't

[00:44:38] steal our shit we're poor as fuck we live in New York please student loans

[00:44:43] yeah my dog starving I was like how's this podcast making 40 grand a year

[00:44:47] that's almost double my salary and it's like don't reveal that I broke bitch

[00:44:53] like I was literally unemployed for the most of last year and I still somehow

[00:44:59] made like 20,000 yeah me too I mean I didn't I didn't work I didn't do anything

[00:45:03] mm-hmm you do nothing you drive a truck four times a year and you make that

[00:45:07] much yeah you drive you drive a truck badly for you I might add I'm very bad at

[00:45:15] driving that truck and they keep hiring you they do truck boys baby easier than

[00:45:21] finding somebody else so I guess we should talk about that movie Solly

[00:45:26] people want to know about it what's going on with this film welcome to the

[00:45:33] movie review segment of come town Solly is a action comedy drama starring Tom

[00:45:39] Hanks I call it dramedy that's something I call that reprising his role as Captain

[00:45:46] Phillips yeah in a movie where one man one plane one dream one question one pilot

[00:45:56] one pirate question mark pirate question mark two titties Asian pilot is the

[00:46:03] pilot actually an Asian well I thought I'm a really funny Asian joke just now well

[00:46:07] is like like they can't tell the difference between pirates and pilots that's

[00:46:11] what I was literally saying I'm saying just said it

[00:46:19] the fucking abject recharging I first I didn't believe when he said that you

[00:46:24] did this I did that I was like there's no way I do it it's a bit it's actually

[00:46:30] like a really I had it was just repeat the exact same job you're like we're

[00:46:35] making eye contact as I'm saying wait oh just started this yeah it wasn't even

[00:46:44] I'm sorry I didn't include anyhow we got a review the movie that's like I'm sorry

[00:46:48] people are listening they want to know what the fuck is going on should we

[00:46:52] just play the clip no no don't know the clip don't fucking sign me up for more

[00:46:57] editing shit I have to do no no no no no no no no no no the clip oh yeah yeah

[00:47:03] turn a classic movies trademark presents Sally oh I'm sorry you know I'm gay it's

[00:47:12] me your co-pilot Jack Koolington and I'm the flight attendant and I've had sex

[00:47:18] with her I've had sex with that manish flight attendant because I'm the coolest

[00:47:24] guy on the airplane don't fuck up down it if fuck I'm trying to Boston

[00:47:32] Australia let me great of a spotlight there was one guy that's like cocky

[00:47:38] all these priest on bug on a little boys like what the fuck are you doing

[00:47:43] like all my acting might be making a meeting a meeting I'm a professional

[00:47:48] lady amie bring bring home gay I'm a gay Irish man I'm six with a tie tie I thought I'd add a

[00:48:04] little they say in the 1800s the Irish were the original fact that's funny

[00:48:21] I love my favorite shit go to the you're the fags of Europe yeah they go to the

[00:48:27] tenement museum all those like Irish need not apply things yeah I would love to

[00:48:30] just gather a group of people and and just see if I can sneak them out of there and

[00:48:34] be like we're going to tour now guys you know this neighborhood was completely

[00:48:38] Irish and back then the Irish they were like the faggots of America you know so

[00:48:43] imagine how you think about now just these guys running around pausing each

[00:48:47] other up getting aids that's what syphilis was like for the these fucking

[00:48:51] these papis pieces of shit these disgusting fucking mix coming into this

[00:48:56] country excuse me ma'am don't interrupt me this is her history do you see my

[00:49:02] fucking vest I am paid I'm paid to be here by the city as an authority on the

[00:49:07] Irish in New York honestly fuck every Irish person's like fuck we know what

[00:49:12] it's fucking like it was bad for seven maybe like seven years it was probably

[00:49:18] tough to be an Irish person well it was never worse than it was for blacks yeah

[00:49:23] ever yeah yeah and they tried to say that it was just and then in one generation

[00:49:27] they all get to be cops like it just happened well they like yeah they

[00:49:30] basically invented the police force they all came over just like the you know

[00:49:35] Italians invented the American obesity problem that's true they came over here

[00:49:41] and they're like what if we fuck in the it's too much what if we be calling

[00:49:46] piece of shit I feel like there aren't fat people in Italy I feel like that's

[00:49:50] an Italian bread invented breadsticks some happen on the ship cheesy bread

[00:49:56] no basically there was there was one ship carrying all the fucking Italian

[00:50:00] immigrants to America and and the ship it well it didn't collide but basically

[00:50:06] it got stranded in the Bermuda Triangle on the way here and they all tried to

[00:50:10] eat the fat guy but he overpowered them and he ate the rest of the Italians and

[00:50:15] so he got to America and it was up to him to repopulate you know they've been

[00:50:21] created the Italian American population so luckily he made it still digesting all

[00:50:26] the people and for a long period of time on the ship because you know he didn't

[00:50:30] know how long he was gonna be lost at sea instead of just outright eating

[00:50:32] people he tied them down and what you actually you know that's where the cement

[00:50:37] shoes came from me in case they're humans feet and cement and then he would

[00:50:41] suck off all the men and eat the cum and so he possessed and well yeah he was

[00:50:45] living off the so that became like an Italian tradition is to live off of

[00:50:50] semen on the so he was eating all the cum and then eventually he ate the

[00:50:55] people and he got to America and he had to create new people so he threw up all

[00:50:58] the cum into a pussy well his own ass oh which had female reproductive organs in

[00:51:05] it which is another feature of Italians is that they have both none of the men

[00:51:10] have actual assholes they just have vaginas yeah where their asshole should

[00:51:14] be they can't shit they actually just puke that so was that throw up was that

[00:51:18] come throw up was that without Fredo sauce that is that's what Alfredo sauce is

[00:51:22] and so that's where all Italian Americans come from is this morbidly

[00:51:25] obese man barfing come into his own pussy ass yeah and that's a history of

[00:51:30] the money Rabisi right yeah it was it was Giancarlo porta pade yeah this is the

[00:51:39] history of our city that we live in yeah yeah I didn't fucking honestly that's I

[00:51:43] hadn't heard that before yeah so then we're the mafia how did that play out of

[00:51:47] his ass it came out of his everything came out of this one guy the coast of

[00:51:51] no struck came yeah just pouring out of his ass Pauli walnuts like oh they all

[00:51:55] just came out of his ass well cosa no sure that's actually Italian for black

[00:51:59] semen oh yeah cosa means common no strum means black yep so everybody who's

[00:52:05] in the mob they all suck off you know they had that they get this special kind

[00:52:10] of Moorish semen that made them you know sort of a static athletic athletic

[00:52:17] race crime yeah so like a north African yeah yeah yeah absolutely that's what

[00:52:23] it's making cello was about the Shakespeare play yeah well I don't read

[00:52:26] books yeah it's not a book it's a I especially don't replace that's the gay

[00:52:30] version of books the game book yeah well that was a great that was a great

[00:52:37] little little lesson yeah so that the mafia to all this stuff came out of the

[00:52:42] guys ass yeah mafia is actually it's it's you know I mean it's shortened over

[00:52:48] the years but you know it doesn't stand for La Cosa and Austria but Italian

[00:52:52] guys would come over to you know they would these gangsters they would go

[00:52:56] around New York and they'd be like hey hey my friend fuck me my fucking ass

[00:53:01] and it became my mother yes mother gonna ask them mother and my fire my fire you

[00:53:08] know my father that's where it comes from it's all right so they would be

[00:53:11] soliciting sex gay sex yeah that was the original crime this what's called the

[00:53:15] original sin it's Italian men going around trying to pay people pay other

[00:53:19] men to have sex with them do you know that there's never been a gay Italian

[00:53:23] guy ever I read that

[00:53:28] yeah well yeah that's basically where where yeah Italians come from so that's

[00:53:39] good man I didn't know that shit yeah well you know it's like they just they've

[00:53:43] never made a movie about that and I feel like that could be that could be out

[00:53:47] of score says his project yeah I mean do you hear like you know there you see

[00:53:53] movies about good fellas you see movies about you know godfathers

[00:53:58] but you don't really see movies about you know this guy puking up all this

[00:54:02] call put a party and you know what rolling it into another man's act of

[00:54:07] course days we'd use while he's shitting out come brown people white sugar

[00:54:11] white sugar the way it makes my hair so fine oh posh sugar

[00:54:21] is getting posh up boys bug chase you guys everything I'm sorry about that

[00:54:27] what is chasing is a fetish I kind of was looking into this the other people

[00:54:32] that try to catch a people try to catch a specific bizarre fetish to me

[00:54:35] is a real thing I think I want to know thing but it's like you only get AIDS

[00:54:39] once yeah that's like a game in shot fetish can you get different kind of

[00:54:43] strains get you get like super that's what somebody said to me on Twitter

[00:54:46] there's a thing there's a thing now you could just take and not get it's prep

[00:54:50] but it doesn't it actually is it's like it's like antibacterial soap where it's

[00:54:55] just creating this fucking one super resistant strain oh my god so this is

[00:55:00] gonna be super AIDS is gonna be super AIDS yeah but it doesn't matter who do

[00:55:03] you think is gonna be the first guy to get super AIDS the gays guy live no the

[00:55:08] first guy to get super AIDS mmm shit brainer Wardell yeah that's that's what

[00:55:16] I was thinking I don't want to say it yeah I don't know we give it what I did ask

[00:55:19] who the gay man alive is dude wouldn't that be so annoying he's like I have

[00:55:23] super AIDS I have to do Conan by the end of the week before I die yeah everyone's

[00:55:28] gonna be like oh here's a kick started to get branded on Conan yeah cuz he is super

[00:55:32] AIDS what a fam I'm dying of AIDS anyway I went to it just a Bieber show the other

[00:55:38] you know he's still be doing that his last week on earth yeah you're going I'm

[00:55:42] oh I went to a sprite remix party by fucking him tarot I met I met the

[00:55:49] bitch from I don't even I don't watch the Disney Channel I don't know how the

[00:55:53] fucking knows all these people because he watched 30 years old still watching

[00:55:58] fucking Hannah Montana yeah he's 20 what is he 24 he is I forget that he is

[00:56:04] young like a little bitch but the point is not that young fuck Brandon he's the

[00:56:08] age I was when I started bitching about how young he was you know so he's not

[00:56:13] fucking young anymore I do I would love for Brandon to go like bald or some

[00:56:19] some funny old thing yeah take to happen to him well you already had one old

[00:56:23] thing happen to him he's rich the next time we see him let's do it I'm down how

[00:56:30] much money do you think we could steal from Brandon he's spent it all huh he

[00:56:35] spent it all in like a Ubers uber and can be yeah he's like orders like every

[00:56:43] flavor of seltzer like that's what he his seltzer budget is more than rent

[00:56:48] yeah dude I would he doesn't keep cash on though so I don't know how we could

[00:56:52] rob him no he'd find a way to rob us can I split this uber with you yeah

[00:57:00] wait just a video the baby laughing slowed down yeah yeah just like yeah

[00:57:08] exactly him oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh man I am fucking beat I don't know how to I

[00:57:15] don't have podcasts this week no we did good this is fun do we talk about bad

[00:57:19] teachers it was better than that last one that was a piece of shit glad we

[00:57:23] did this might upload it anyways it's like a bonus bonus this was bad don't

[00:57:27] know don't upload it why why the fuck not there should I think there might have

[00:57:31] been something on there it was okay okay what doesn't you're right it's not

[00:57:35] like it's embarrassing if it's bonus bonus then like they're already getting

[00:57:39] yeah yeah I'm like a dick measuring contest in the ruler one you know that's

[00:57:44] true yeah we had one and I won but it got edited out by accident oh so I

[00:57:48] would I were talking about how big my day about the surgery oh yeah dude as

[00:57:52] soon as they can you can get a realistic big I really don't want a big dick

[00:57:56] shut up I feel like a man of the people my tiny I bet your dick is the here's

[00:58:01] something annoying I bet your dick is even that small no it's it's fun I bet

[00:58:05] it's kind of meaty unfortunately it's got a little meat to it especially well

[00:58:09] you know what makes it look bigger is that I'm so skinny you know true yeah I

[00:58:13] gotta fucking lose weight for my dick sake I wonder if I could just lose weight

[00:58:17] around my dick I was watching a video of a you say you say if only I could as

[00:58:23] if losing weight is like I can't it's impossible I'm too busy I got too much

[00:58:28] I'm too busy eating all these a hit your alarm goes off of the throne oh looks

[00:58:34] I gotta get it that new Gordito Crunchwrap I'm on I can't wait till Hollywood is

[00:58:39] like run out of babies to play Spider-Man they're like we need a bald one and

[00:58:43] like stop comes back six months later ripped we need like a bald near-sighted

[00:58:47] spider I would love to fucking get ripped project just funny as you would

[00:58:52] look pretty awful if you weren't fat I think I would look very fat suits you yeah

[00:58:57] you just never not been fat there's no way to know yeah you wouldn't be able to

[00:59:01] pull off I mean you'd look like your brothers basically right first of all

[00:59:05] I would be cute as hell at any weight I love myself you look like an absolute

[00:59:09] shit and I'm not gonna let you fucking bully me and my body your brothers are

[00:59:13] cute my brothers are cute and they're kind of spelt yeah you know they're not

[00:59:16] like he's in good shape he's like a PhD in PE right he's got his he's got his

[00:59:21] like masters in working out my man say he's a push-up doctor

[00:59:27] my man said he got he done read a book on pushing up but yeah I agree I would

[00:59:35] look good thank you Nick anyway what else do we know I said you look bad I said

[00:59:39] you would look good I would look good to be all agreed so anyway I wonder how

[00:59:42] Adam would look real fat I'm kind of the Goldilocks of the crew I'm perfect

[00:59:48] yeah you're in the middle you mushy little bad posture and stomach cancer

[00:59:53] yeah yeah oh man I'm so glad that not only can I not renew my Medicaid but the

[00:59:59] penalty for not having it doubles this year I can't wait what is it 700 dollars

[01:00:04] like 900 something dollars is the maximum penalty it's assessed like

[01:00:07] monthly so I had health insurance for half the year so I'll pay for why can't

[01:00:11] you just say you had health insurance all year how would they know this is

[01:00:14] reported to the I guess I could I guess I could lie I think people do that all

[01:00:19] the time yeah I may as well cuz fuck them dude honestly fuck them fuck the

[01:00:24] government I'm not I'm not paying for a series drones baby yeah I'm not paying

[01:00:29] for his drug well you know what I don't want to pay for is like speaking of

[01:00:32] bug chasing is like there's people out there that just do that and like that

[01:00:37] pissed me off I was like thinking about it and it's like all right well then

[01:00:41] that does kind of annoy me when I can't afford fucking health insurance and I

[01:00:45] have to pay it I have to pay this penalty to support I'm sure that the

[01:00:49] impact trying to get a

[01:00:54] the impact of literally hundreds of millions of people back on the healthcare

[01:01:00] market is has been devastated yeah by bug chasing I wish Trump would bring

[01:01:07] that up it if that could be his last minute they make the case oh by the way

[01:01:10] bug chasers do you know about this and then that's where he leaves us someone

[01:01:14] said it's real has he done anything like real homophobic yet no not really

[01:01:18] right no god that would be awesome he's yeah he really hasn't talked shit it he

[01:01:23] is kind of gay he is he's super gay dude yeah everything's fabulous and yeah

[01:01:29] wonderful fantastic and wonderful and gold ass and he's a bitch like what he's

[01:01:34] mean he does it in like a bitch he kind of way rolls his eyes he rolls his eyes

[01:01:38] he's like she's a very nasty woman yeah that is exactly what a nasty one by the

[01:01:43] way as Hillary I know you're speaking but what a nasty

[01:01:45] laughing with somebody the other day about how funny it had been if when she

[01:01:49] was like oh with the impact I like to call it Trump top trickled at if he was

[01:01:55] just like this is gay as shit I've ever heard it's very gay yeah not even like

[01:02:00] that he's like that's that's fucking stupid that's so fucking gay who came up

[01:02:04] with that I don't know why he didn't think to do that come on Donnie he's not

[01:02:07] sharp no one he used to be dude the Republicans I guess the other guys were

[01:02:13] easier to stooge around I think little Marco if Anthony Wiener has fucked this

[01:02:18] up so bad he hasn't relaxed yeah nobody cares we learned that over the summer

[01:02:23] nobody gives a shit about the FBI pro nobody cares nobody fucking gives a

[01:02:28] shit has gone up six points so since since the scandal she told I don't think

[01:02:33] we're fucking care don't give a fuck don't care over the summer one of those

[01:02:36] Podesta emails could be like oh we're all go for Operation murder Vince Foster

[01:02:40] and people be like wow I can't believe this yeah and then no people would be

[01:02:44] like slay Queen yeah I'm glad that she murdered I would love to murder you see

[01:02:52] the fucking Lena Dunham and the rest of the girls cast did an enactment of the

[01:02:58] Stanford victims letter what yeah the Stanford rape victim I guess Lena Dunham

[01:03:06] had to they did to make a video where they read it because you know oh Jesus

[01:03:10] Christ it didn't have enough impact on its own we gotta get some Lena Dunham

[01:03:13] in there it is so people really understand damn it dude scary man that's

[01:03:18] that shit is just like Lena Dunham just like you're just rich you're just a

[01:03:23] rich person she's parents were fucking connected in the industry that you

[01:03:27] work in you're not particularly talented it's fine girls it's fine I guess but

[01:03:32] your whole fucking life you've had every advantage in this shit and you just make

[01:03:35] this it just like stop fucking why the fuck does Lena Dunham keep getting shit

[01:03:42] dude she's annoying you know what the worst part of it is yeah is that

[01:03:45] people say she's just community let's just not funny yeah well nobody knows

[01:03:49] what a fucking comedian is yeah I mean there are people that don't do stand up

[01:03:52] that I would regard as comedians I don't think you have to do stand I would you

[01:03:56] know I'm a snob about that shit she's not a comic whatever dude fuck Lena Dunham

[01:04:02] yeah yeah honestly it's the bravest thing in the world to go on stage if you

[01:04:06] don't have the courage to do that then you're you don't deserve to be called a

[01:04:11] comedian people get all territorial about comedy that way but yeah so we're

[01:04:17] gonna wrap it up here cool I think folks yeah we did it yep fine yeah it's all

[01:04:21] right a couple of good weeks a lot a I'll be honest with you a lot of your

[01:04:27] cards got declined and to stand you know I was a pizza man myself for a long

[01:04:34] time but there was one thing I did spend my money on when I was a pizza man I

[01:04:38] made sure I had money for it was my Xbox live account this is basically this is

[01:04:45] the same thing is Xbox live we're talking about you know it's fun it's

[01:04:52] online it's racist this is basically Xbox live don't fuck it up you know yeah

[01:04:59] and listen the quality is dipped because those cars got declined we could have

[01:05:03] done a good episode but until those get back up we're not gonna be a story I'm

[01:05:07] gonna find them I'm gonna I'm gonna pull a ace out of my fucking sleeve and we're

[01:05:13] gonna I'll call somebody as Seth dickfield yeah that'll be the premium

[01:05:20] that'll be the actual premium like we did when we did too much blow and that

[01:05:23] episode sucked a dick yeah yeah and then I had to do a thing to make it better

[01:05:27] yeah you did the dick feel I'd like to do by the way why can't I get it on this

[01:05:31] blow episode you know a few months I just worried about your health dude dude I'm

[01:05:36] a healthy dude we just gave him fun dip until it was cocaine this is the best

[01:05:41] okay yeah you gotta use the stick well that's it for this week boys and probably

[01:05:51] mostly boys then yeah three women does a couple of we got a couple of

[01:05:55] dames couple of broids couple of cum days couple of hole everyone's a

[01:06:01] cum boy yeah yeah yeah no this is a gender safe space

[01:06:06] absolutely if you're a woman shout out to you know you're pussy or whatever

[01:06:10] thanks for you know giving me something for argument sake to say you know the

[01:06:15] show's actually not misogynistic there's well you know this is a couple of them

[01:06:21] I wanted to maybe you know and we'll see you same time next week plus or

[01:06:28] minus a day or two goodbye