Cum Town | Premium | 05/21/2018
[00:00:02] So, if you're one of the people complaining about the episode not being on time, I explain
[00:00:20] Or there were people tweeting about it.
[00:00:21] Like, my mother is stuck on an Amtrak right now that just, they just reinstalled an engine
[00:00:32] Yeah, the train got fucked up in Haver to Grace.
[00:00:39] The only thing that would make it better would be if the conductor got on the PA and
[00:00:43] was like, I'm sorry, but we're having engine trouble.
[00:00:46] It seems someone tried to charge their Samsung Galaxy.
[00:00:53] Honestly, I don't know a single person, including Ian, who's been as fucked over by
[00:01:06] Well, yeah, because it's like every seat was filled and then there was people like doubling
[00:01:09] up in the cafe car and it's like, you shouldn't sell cafe car seats.
[00:01:17] So I was in the cafe car the whole time.
[00:01:22] The woman staffed in the cafe car just total, that's not my job.
[00:01:32] Yeah, that happened to me on a flight once.
[00:01:34] They ran out of food and then it was like a seven hour, it's like a four hour delay.
[00:01:39] So seven hour train ride total and to make it up everybody to give away free snack packs,
[00:01:44] which is like an individual raspberry chasm and then like four peanuts.
[00:01:50] Well, we don't want to just we need water bottle.
[00:01:55] But yeah, not because the lady next to me, she was like, it recrosts me.
[00:02:00] She was like, is there, can you turn down the air conditioning in this car?
[00:02:03] She was like, she's like, you can move to one of the other cars if you like.
[00:02:07] Can you turn down the air conditioning in this car?
[00:02:10] There's no reason for it to be this cold.
[00:02:12] And then the woman goes, well, if we turn it down, it would get pretty hot in here.
[00:02:17] And then she realized it like that's not the answer that's going to end this problem.
[00:02:22] She goes, also the controls are underneath the train.
[00:02:29] That's probably where they put the controls for the air conditioning underneath the train.
[00:02:36] I have to fucking put a bungee cord on like it's fast and furious.
[00:02:55] I was on a megabus once that broke down on 95.
[00:02:58] And this dude, we were all stopped on the side of the highway waiting.
[00:03:04] We were there for like an hour and a half.
[00:03:06] And there's this dude with like dreads and like big like Prada sunglasses.
[00:03:12] And he was having his mom take selfies of him like on like standing on rocks like next
[00:03:26] He's like might as well now that I'm on the side of I 95.
[00:03:30] There was a megabus that caught fire and there was like some Twitter journalist that was
[00:03:37] Because he was like tweeting pictures of the bus on fire.
[00:03:44] They were like the train kept stopping and people were running out of power and they
[00:03:48] were like, uh, something's wrong with the engine.
[00:03:51] We just need to get to Philadelphia and we can switch it.
[00:03:53] So it took like four hours to get to Philadelphia.
[00:03:58] And then, uh, as they switched the engines and we got maybe 30 feet outside of the station
[00:04:06] And they're like, Oh, the smell you are currently experiencing is the smell of the brake system,
[00:04:14] which, uh, the simple fact that the engine was laid from the cafe car and features the
[00:04:20] technology that, uh, what I'm trying to explain to you is, yeah.
[00:04:27] Um, with their other Amtraks, like passing you guys, the whole time.
[00:04:46] My thing is like it's such an expensive trip and I know if you hit two hours delay, then
[00:04:53] So once it was passed like an hour delay, I'm like fingers crossed this thing.
[00:04:58] Once it fucking goes past that it's like sweet.
[00:05:01] You know, he's not going to ride the train three more times.
[00:05:11] And so, I mean, a regular, I mean, you can go to Philly for like 55 bucks.
[00:05:18] Except this shit happens all the time with the train that it's either the best ride of
[00:05:22] all time or your fucking shit is on fire and it's like some fucking dumb bitch won't let
[00:05:26] you get, turn the air conditioning down.
[00:05:28] Well, that's what happens when you let the state control something.
[00:05:33] I can't have universal healthcare because it's going to be a bunch of that's not my
[00:05:53] It's like, uh, Cherise, we also have honey roasted peanuts.
[00:06:02] Your job is the cafeteria car attendant.
[00:06:12] My manager used to do this show at the time at Sherwin Williams.
[00:06:15] She would just like one, there was like times where she just didn't feel like selling the
[00:06:21] And they were like, uh, and she was like, oh, we're actually out of that.
[00:06:26] We're out of whatever, you know, whatever.
[00:06:33] Cause I just had the store call you specifically to see if you had this exact thing.
[00:06:36] And she was like, let me check in the back real quick.
[00:06:46] And she was just like, oh, wow, I can't believe it.
[00:06:53] It's not a bunch of people trapped on a train for hours on it.
[00:06:55] I mean, you got to be a real piece of shit to be.
[00:06:59] And people when they're just four hours to let, yeah, it's like people, the power was
[00:07:03] out and people were like, can we get water at least?
[00:07:05] She's like, I can't bring you up if there's no.
[00:07:09] And then we're like, can I just give you cash?
[00:07:11] And that's where she said that's not my, that's not my job to take cash.
[00:07:19] And it's like, you know, automation is bad or whatever, but like that's someone that should
[00:07:25] And then the robot should 100% have a job.
[00:07:27] As long as we can put big ass nails, long ass nails on robot.
[00:07:30] Yeah, she should be at home looking through indeed.com going, that's not my job.
[00:07:39] The landlord's like, you need to pay rent.
[00:07:51] This woman with like a short one though.
[00:07:53] A toddler and she's like walking around the train and like, she just looks exhausted.
[00:08:03] And she lets the kid just sit on the table and she's like, from the other side of the
[00:08:14] She's like, okay, well, he can't be playing with my paperwork.
[00:08:17] She's like, she's not touching anything.
[00:08:23] He's like, all right, well, he better not be touching my paperwork.
[00:08:26] And she like made the woman get up and then she's like, she's like, I just need to sit
[00:08:31] He's not touching the paperwork or whatever.
[00:08:32] She's like, well, I'll get in trouble if somebody touches my paperwork.
[00:08:37] You're going to look at the time cards and be like, did a baby touch this?
[00:08:42] Why are there gush, little gush your fingerprints on this time?
[00:08:46] With the way this I'm holding this in my hands makes me think that an infant brushed past
[00:08:53] You're fired for allowing a toddler to glance at your paperwork.
[00:09:03] I was, I had a direct flight in New York to LA and then they made an announcement midway
[00:09:08] They're like, yeah, we need to get gas in Denver.
[00:09:12] And then they did a system check and they were like, there's something wrong with the
[00:09:16] We were like in Denver on the tarmac for four hours.
[00:09:23] Somebody took a shit on a megabust to Boston so bad one time they had to turn around and
[00:09:31] Yo, I almost, I almost ass out, fell out of the bathroom and a fucking megabust because
[00:09:41] Because I was, you know, maybe I was a little heftier at the time.
[00:09:43] I needed to do a specific, a specific stand up to wipe my ass maneuver where I kind of
[00:09:49] get like the fucking, I always stand up to wipe my ass.
[00:09:56] I turn around, I face the toilet and then I wipe my ass with my ass facing the door.
[00:10:04] The way I know, I make sure that the paper goes into the toilet.
[00:10:08] And but what I would have to do sometimes is get Captain Morgan with it or yeah, Captain
[00:10:14] I put one leg up to get a real fucking real wide spread of my cheeks and there was some
[00:10:19] fucking, I guess not turbulence, but I literally hit the shit and the door was unlocked and
[00:10:24] I popped out for like a fucking second and like you could see probably a corner of my
[00:10:30] ass cheek hit the fucking Amtrak hallway because I was just fucking, I was just fucking standing
[00:10:36] up to get that good, good fucking Captain Morgan clean.
[00:10:41] Imagine how good it would have been in that train of just some fat guy with his ass.
[00:10:45] I never, I never shit on a train or a bus or a plane.
[00:10:52] Cause I don't seem like I look at those toilets and it's like there's no way that thinking
[00:11:03] I'm going to leave a fucking pig skin in there.
[00:11:08] I've gone number one, two and three on a plane.
[00:11:18] I mean, I was at that eight, I was going to summer camp and I was at that age where
[00:11:22] you have to jack off every like, you know, hour and a half.
[00:11:27] And I stole, I stole a club international porn from a, oh yeah.
[00:11:34] My autism is mock, but how about them laser checks?
[00:11:38] And you got the windows on the envelope so we could see our names.
[00:11:42] I was really hoping I could pay my rent with these, but the USPS lost my first rent check
[00:11:47] and now the landlords once when he was Venmo.
[00:11:50] Your landlord lives downstairs, I thought.
[00:11:55] Venmo seems like you could be able to fucking scam the government somehow with that shit.
[00:11:59] No, I think if you get enough money through Venmo, because it's owned by PayPal, I think.
[00:12:04] Yeah, you get enough money through Venmo, they'll send you like a thing that, you know, if you
[00:12:09] make like $20,000 you've been, obviously that's not like splitting pizza.
[00:12:16] When I bought these weird dick pills off the internet, the, the directions were go to Venmo,
[00:12:22] go to this account and put something, no one will know something like pizza or dancing lessons.
[00:12:32] There's just the memo just says pizza or dancing lessons.
[00:12:42] I think he didn't want people to know that he was selling pharmaceuticals.
[00:12:46] Oh, it was, I didn't give a fuck, you know.
[00:12:50] Like ground up like I've never, I've never, have you ever taken one of those?
[00:12:54] I've taken a Mexican Cialis before that my, my friend God in Mexico.
[00:13:07] I wouldn't have gotten a boner otherwise, but I had it in my drawer for a while.
[00:13:22] I, that's what I did in middle school in sixth grade when they give you condoms.
[00:13:23] I got a red condom and I jacked off it.
[00:13:26] I was like, I was like, soon I'm going to be using these all the time.
[00:13:33] And I didn't fuck for like literally like seven years.
[00:13:44] You know, I remember like one of the first times I had sex like I didn't come like we
[00:13:51] So I took it off and I put it in my pocket.
[00:13:56] Put it through the fucking wash, hung it up on the clothesline.
[00:14:03] Well, so they're like so hard to take off that you like stretched the fuck out of them.
[00:14:12] I don't know the proper way to take off a condom.
[00:14:14] I always feel like I have to rip my dick off.
[00:14:17] I've never, I've never rolled, tried to roll it.
[00:14:30] Like peels or like bean or some kind of organic matter.
[00:14:35] It's like in tests like in isn't it like you can make a sausage out of it.
[00:14:42] If you have a latex algae, what are the lambskin?
[00:14:45] So could you use those to make sausage?
[00:14:54] Yeah, these are like condo in the chisharones again.
[00:15:12] You've never jacked off on a planar bus or anything?
[00:15:24] And that was mostly like this is pretty funny.
[00:15:35] We used to have an afford expedition, my parents, and we were on a family road trip.
[00:15:48] You can take the jutunnels under the ocean.
[00:15:50] Oh, Israel, no, we have one of those...
[00:15:53] You know how at the bank, like when you put your...
[00:16:05] Yeah, Gringle just fucking elven me as it knows this.
[00:16:09] Yeah, I mean, anytime you make a fictional character, it's like...
[00:16:16] You can cover up the racism if it's a monster.
[00:16:21] I mean, Star Trek is pretty much the only science fiction that avoided that.
[00:16:28] Yeah, well, the alien species, they're like, you know, okay, we'll make them black, but
[00:16:40] I think it's done it before, by the way.
[00:16:42] Somebody messaged me and said that the Siri gave away your address.
[00:16:53] Yeah, I really don't know how that happened.
[00:16:57] That's on par with when Siri said, oh my God.
[00:17:00] You seem so certain when I said anti-Semitism doesn't exist.
[00:17:07] Anyway, you're jacking off in this expedition with yours.
[00:17:11] Yeah, my sister was sleeping in the middle of your shoulder.
[00:17:13] And then my mom was sleeping in the front passenger.
[00:17:16] You're sitting right in between your mom and your sister.
[00:17:22] And I honked in the car with my family.
[00:17:30] My sister was sleeping and my mom was sleeping.
[00:17:37] You know, like the imagination of a child.
[00:17:39] But did you just say, rest of the time?
[00:18:01] Like I was like, yeah, I was aiming it down.
[00:18:09] I've never jacked off in a car, but of course I've
[00:18:29] I was outside of some shitty bar that's like prohibition
[00:18:38] In Baltimore, there's particularly bad.
[00:18:39] It's like the great Gatsby in this bar.
[00:18:42] And I was just, I was in the passenger seat
[00:18:46] getting my dick ridden like a champion.
[00:18:48] And I thought I was like in a fucking very, like just like
[00:18:56] But it turned out like the building next to us was a bar.
[00:19:00] That was just like there was some event that just
[00:19:03] And just like seven people just like fucking walked by
[00:19:08] and just saw this girl's butt cheeks and then just saw me.
[00:19:12] And I just had to like wave at him and we had to just stop.
[00:19:15] And I was getting my fucking, I couldn't even stay that hard.
[00:19:18] I didn't really like the being outside, honestly.
[00:19:28] Shout out to the Chinese girl from Tinder.
[00:19:39] And I was on my way to the show wearing basketball shorts.
[00:19:44] I forgot that you can't wear basketball shorts on stage.
[00:19:51] No, that girl didn't make me put on nice pants to fuck her
[00:19:57] No, no, I thought you got them dirty fucking her.
[00:20:01] No, that's what I thought was happening.
[00:20:06] And I think she was like, she was like bled a lot too.
[00:20:09] So she was like just bled all over my hands.
[00:20:14] Please put on your finest chinos to fuck my ass
[00:20:24] had a rage against the machine t-shirt.
[00:20:26] And he asked our counselor if he could borrow it for the dance,
[00:20:39] Yeah, he just like jizzed all over our counselor's t-shirt.
[00:20:42] He's like, yeah, anyway, it's been a great sober.
[00:20:44] Who's your rage against the machine t-shirt?
[00:20:46] Did I ever tell you guys about the wet dream I had that was like,
[00:20:50] I swear to God, like someone implanted.
[00:20:52] I had never touched the pussy, but after this wet dream,
[00:20:58] I remember having like a sex dream when I was like 12
[00:21:01] that I was like eating my friend's pussy.
[00:21:05] I'm like, dang, pussy can't taste like that.
[00:21:07] And then years later, he was like, holy shit.
[00:21:16] Well, yeah, what do you think you're going to happen?
[00:21:25] You're saying they'd be in the chest trying to insult me,
[00:21:31] Oh, it's a repressed memory from when he had sex.
[00:21:35] No, I think it's just, you know, it's like, you know,
[00:21:38] you ever like roll up a newspaper in front of a dog
[00:21:41] and it goes in cowards, even if you've ever hit the dog?
[00:21:43] It's, you know, it's just one of those things
[00:21:49] You know how aliens told the ancient Egyptians
[00:21:54] I think aliens were telling us what pussy tasted and felt like.
[00:22:06] Well, it's sort of like aliens were anti-sederate.
[00:22:08] Even though I wasn't alive during the Holocaust,
[00:22:13] So you should treat me as technically a survivor
[00:22:17] Oh, so you mean like a sexual harasser?
[00:22:19] Like, you know I don't think, no, you should treat me
[00:22:23] You should treat me as a brave Holocaust survivor.
[00:22:26] Nah, dude, you would have gotten so quick.
[00:22:29] Adam, you would have gotten got quickest
[00:22:33] I like that bit we did where it's Adam and Frank's secret annex
[00:22:36] and the Nazis are searching the house downstairs.
[00:22:38] And one of them starts telling an anecdote and Adam's like,
[00:22:45] Yeah, I'd get her caught with the tidbit.
[00:22:51] I wouldn't be able to smash in the woods.
[00:22:56] And Frank, didn't she get her period in that book or something?
[00:23:05] I lived in Amsterdam during the Holocaust.
[00:23:07] I would have fucked all those girls hiding in secret rooms.
[00:23:11] I just feel like I would have done that.
[00:23:13] I would have been fucking gone around with it.
[00:23:18] Not to stop the Nazis, but to fuck all the Jewish girls hiding
[00:23:23] Think about how, like, yeah, just low stakes that is.
[00:23:32] They're hidden behind the bookcase or something, you know?
[00:23:40] There's secretly trying to dedicate songs to you on resistance radio.
[00:23:49] Someone sparked a cigarette or something.
[00:23:52] I thought it was like the sound of the pocket change.
[00:23:57] I think that they were searching the apartment.
[00:23:59] They smelled the sig and it was someone in the attic.
[00:24:07] That'd be a good, that'd be a cool truth.com.
[00:24:09] Don't smoke sigs because it's been awesome.
[00:24:12] Just tell your little sister you died in the Holocaust because you're too busy smoking
[00:24:21] The legal mushrooms they got over there.
[00:24:24] I'm trying to go to Amsterdam again, dude.
[00:24:27] I'm thinking about going on a vacation.
[00:24:32] I like them now that I'm a multi-billionaire.
[00:24:35] I'm going to Seattle and shit for a week.
[00:24:48] My buddy, George, over there for a month.
[00:24:52] Yeah, he's doing some work for Amazon and I'm going to do a show actually.
[00:24:56] Maybe they can knock out that you moveable.
[00:25:23] There's Portland, Maine and Portland, fucking Oregon.
[00:25:28] But Vancouver, this shit's on the same coast.
[00:25:44] It's different than the two Vancouver's.
[00:25:48] But have you guys been to Portland before?
[00:25:56] I feel like me and George are going to go for a seat.
[00:25:58] There's probably people that are very proud to be from the Kansas version of Kansas City.
[00:26:02] Yeah, I think the Kansas version of the Kansas City is not.
[00:26:15] The only person I know that's from Kansas City, I know of this from Kansas City is Tech
[00:26:23] He's the, I think, maybe the most famous Kansas City.
[00:26:26] No, he's an Eddie Griffin from Kansas City?
[00:26:50] The extra D stands for a double dose of that pimping.
[00:26:53] He's like showing all these Polaroids off.
[00:27:00] Revlon wanted to pay me $10,000 for him, you know?
[00:27:03] Because all I do is peel money and touch bitches.
[00:27:08] Magic Don Juan's kid went to high school with my sister and she'd see him like in the parking
[00:27:19] And it's crazy because it's like the only skill they have is being incredibly charming.
[00:27:24] Yeah, and doing horrific and beating women.
[00:27:25] Not beating women, but they're just charming.
[00:27:28] They're over like basically slave, they're charming slave masters basically.
[00:27:36] They're other friends or other pimps, but mainly their friends are women.
[00:27:40] I mean, not their friends, but the people they spend most of their time with.
[00:27:43] And they're all dandies and foppish and have fancy clothes and kind of a female exterior.
[00:27:53] Although those are probably the cool pimps.
[00:27:56] Just normal ass guys with guns and dockers.
[00:28:00] Just fucking, we'll just beat you and shit.
[00:28:02] I remember wanting to be a pimp real bad when I was in like fourth grade.
[00:28:08] Just fat ass little Nick trying to pimp it?
[00:28:16] Like a guy that was running, running bitches or like a guy that was just like got a lot
[00:28:27] Or was it just like, I thought it was just a guy that got a little pussy?
[00:28:36] How did you know what a pimple was a fourth grade?
[00:28:39] I mean, I remember I wanted to be like a pimp or a hit man.
[00:28:42] Those are the two things I thought would be the first one.
[00:28:55] I mean, you know, I got out of the military and I don't like to do with my life other
[00:29:05] Because my shit's so classified that I'm actually banned from returning to the movie.
[00:29:12] Because they'd have to reopen the file.
[00:29:15] It's how I was sealed with the blood of Iraqi children.
[00:29:19] The congealed melted down collagen and bone fragments of 10,000 Syrian children.
[00:29:28] One of the guys that killed Ben Lotten, the SEAL Team Six guys is trans now.
[00:29:35] I'm trying to get some of that good, good laden killing pussy.
[00:29:37] That's the thing is because I mean, you know, their whole thing is about proving how brave
[00:29:44] That's for pussies, which really brave is getting your penis removed and learning how
[00:29:49] to shop in the women's section of Marshall's to 42 years old.
[00:29:53] Is posting a makeup selfie your first time applying mascara as a 52 year old.
[00:30:16] So that's the bravest person that ever existed.
[00:30:25] The only other thing you could do is be that.
[00:30:49] Does it feel like more like nerdy people are trans or is that just?
[00:31:01] It's mostly guys that are really into computers.
[00:31:02] They're like, well, I guess computers aren't the answer.
[00:31:11] Every autism person at some point becomes trans.
[00:31:15] That's actually one of the cures is apparently the autism is in your dick.
[00:31:20] If you drew a Venn diagram and were a autism and trains on it, it would still look better
[00:31:28] That would be a two-dimensional drawing.
[00:31:32] That's actually the- I've seen circles that would look like-
[00:31:35] I've got to tell you, I've seen some pretty good trans titties.
[00:31:45] One of the hottest women I've ever met in my life.
[00:31:53] Bailey J is not- and this isn't like- I mean, I've seen a track with-
[00:31:57] Not even in the top like five hottest trans people I've seen.
[00:32:01] You've seen plenty of trans women that's like-
[00:32:05] I'm saying I met her and I was like, damn, this is a hot ass lady.
[00:32:07] No, I haven't been in the same room, but I mean, in terms of facial structure.
[00:32:13] I think you're being very rude to my friend Bailey J.
[00:32:19] She's big ass titties now, I think they're even bigger?
[00:32:28] He just sends us pictures of his ass, and so is this better than Dasha?
[00:32:34] He's into wearing tights now and showing everyone his tights.
[00:32:44] Dasha is not allowing him in the apartment, so we're gonna have to do some of that.
[00:32:47] Why is he not allowed in the apartment?
[00:32:50] He said too many inappropriate things to her.
[00:32:57] Liam, you're banned, but we'll do it out on the-
[00:32:59] We're doing it in the locker room of David Barton, Jim.
[00:33:05] The reason he's traveling to New York is to explore the deep caverns of the David Barton
[00:33:15] Let me do a joke about how the David Barton Jim is just one bench in a squad rack and
[00:33:21] The seven floors of showers of the deeper stone burn out of towers.
[00:33:30] Eventually the steam is so thick you can't see it from your face.
[00:33:38] They just pour cum into a bottle machine.
[00:33:45] It's like, yeah, they have a spoon and they dollop it off the hot coals.
[00:33:49] And then it like sizzles anyways, but they still have a gay guy there to make the sound effects.
[00:33:54] Okay, so we've now now this this press the precedent is getting tough.
[00:34:03] Now we're letting guys on gay sex vacations.
[00:34:13] We've already led two insane women come on the show.
[00:34:16] I think that girl Kelly was pretty normal.
[00:34:17] She seemed normal, but I mean, you got to be pretty crazy.
[00:34:21] I'm going to take a chuchu over to New York to do come town.
[00:34:25] If you're a normal nice woman who listens to the show, there's probably something to go
[00:34:31] I feel like most of the women that I meet that listen to come town are all pretty normal and
[00:34:44] Suck up to some titties, which is actually what I'm trying to do.
[00:34:46] I don't think I've ever met a woman that what's her name?
[00:34:52] She just wanted to do it because she heard about it on Twitter.
[00:34:56] Yeah, but I've known Gerby on Twitter for years.
[00:35:02] We've been Twitter bros, mutuals for a long time.
[00:35:14] I'm just out there, you know, well, you didn't have like you weren't a Twitter.
[00:35:17] You didn't have a Twitter following until this show.
[00:35:19] Yeah, I know, but Adam's doing like a Twitter guy.
[00:35:22] I'm in one DM where people talk about sports, but I reject every other one.
[00:35:28] Because it just seems like a waste of time.
[00:35:41] They would just post naked pictures of themselves to each other.
[00:35:53] Yeah, I don't fucking understand the internet, man.
[00:36:09] You could be you could be a girls chat stuff.
[00:36:11] I guess I'd be it'd be receptive to you being in girls chat.
[00:36:14] If anyone from girls chat is listening.
[00:36:26] It was so funny because there'd be like girls chat and then there would be a second chat
[00:36:29] that was like girls chat minus one of the girls.
[00:36:33] Then there was like four different versions of that for each one of the girls.
[00:36:39] I feel like the most of the DMS are just to talk shit.
[00:36:43] All of these people don't have social skills.
[00:36:46] They just have like these vendettas against each other.
[00:36:55] It's like drama with people like that lived 3,000 miles away.
[00:36:59] Then you meet like when you go on your stupid Twitter meetup.
[00:37:02] That was like a nice time in the internet.
[00:37:04] It was like five years ago when it was people complaining about people in their real lives.
[00:37:09] No, I mean, because the internet was always like, I remember.
[00:37:12] Twitter used to be about like, yeah, like live journal was where it started.
[00:37:15] It was like, it's all these communities on live journal.
[00:37:18] And people would document and hate on, you know, certain people on live journal for being
[00:37:33] I would just print out pictures of Trish Stratus from the wrestling and beat off to her in like a bikini.
[00:37:43] The picture with her titties with like, with like hand prints on her titties.
[00:37:48] I still remember she had a belly button ring that was a hoop.
[00:37:53] I don't think I'd ever see someone with his wife, right?
[00:38:13] I thought there was some kind of little fur.
[00:38:17] It's like Sable fur is like a nice fur.
[00:38:20] But the Jews think it's a type of fish.
[00:38:22] Of course, everything's a type of fish.
[00:38:24] Interesting that they were smoked fish.
[00:38:26] Interesting that they would classify a living being as a type of, you know, cold blotted.
[00:38:36] Trying to push land animals out to see.
[00:38:42] What are those called invasive species?
[00:38:45] Something that belongs on land and push it into the sea.
[00:38:49] That's what they're doing with the sea.
[00:38:53] Well, technically, Stav is the one who looks like Barry Wise.
[00:39:05] Shannon, get that picture of Stav up on you.
[00:39:12] Should we get Dasha breast implants and call us in?
[00:39:22] Dude, that bitch looks exactly like me.
[00:39:52] Did you see Amber Ruffin's brilliant call out of Rosanne?
[00:39:59] But she has a segment, a totally necessary segment where she just gets mad about stuff.
[00:40:07] She's mad at Rosanne because Rosanne's racist or whatever.
[00:40:12] I thought she was a conspiracy theorist.
[00:40:16] She had a problem with the episode where Muslims move in next door and Rosanne's initially
[00:40:20] skeptical of them, but then they let Rosanne use their Wi-Fi.
[00:40:23] And she's like, I guess Muslims aren't bad.
[00:40:25] She protects them from some other racist.
[00:40:29] And she should never watch any other classic thing.
[00:40:33] Well, she's like, she's like, that's bullshit because they have to do the work to make Rosanne
[00:40:38] And it's like, you're openly admitting that racism is a problem in this world.
[00:40:43] And then you think that that shouldn't be reflected in fiction.
[00:40:47] How do you think the show is supposed to go?
[00:40:49] It's like, you know, the ground table, everybody laughing, harmonica, Dan.
[00:40:54] Oh, Rosanne, looks like Muslims moved in next door.
[00:41:05] All in the family was on television 40 years ago.
[00:41:12] Well, I don't understand how you could be like a television writer and not understand
[00:41:15] the characters are supposed to have flaws in conflict.
[00:41:19] Yeah, I mean, that's, that sounds a lot.
[00:41:20] Every show I should think exactly the way I do and should reflect my values and reinforce
[00:41:26] That sounds like a pretty traditional fucking sitcom.
[00:41:28] Like, like, that someone's old to, like, like, this is old school.
[00:41:31] I'm not saying it's particularly inspired.
[00:41:34] Also, there's a 30 rock episode where Liz gets someone deported.
[00:41:39] Because she thinks he's a fucking terrorist.
[00:41:41] And it's way worse than what we just fucking described.
[00:41:43] Well, no, it's already, they've torn down the walls around Rosanne.
[00:41:46] And started when, as soon as that show aired, everybody started writing the think pieces
[00:41:49] about either being conflicted with Rosanne or Rosanne's racist or whatever, you know,
[00:41:56] So they have to hate Rosanne and have to find new ways that, because ultimately, you know
[00:41:58] what it is, it's not really so much about taking Rosanne down is that that's a safe thing
[00:42:07] Yeah, I mean, it's so funny how quickly we just stopped talking about it.
[00:42:11] It's like, no one even gives a fuck about Rosanne and his shit.
[00:42:14] It's such a fucking unnecessary segment to put together is this.
[00:42:17] Here's why Rosanne's bullshit or whatever.
[00:42:37] Although I do think the Seth Mars show has some pretty good correspondence.
[00:42:40] Like, isn't that the one that has Connor and Connor just gets some run buck wild over
[00:42:51] I didn't see that segment, but it sounds little dicket as fuck.
[00:42:54] Well, it's time we call out Tony Soprano for not accepting Meadows Half-Life away from
[00:43:03] Well the Cremplaint therapy, like, why are we watching a show about a white man criminal
[00:43:09] goes six seasons and people don't immediately recognize him as being bad.
[00:43:12] If you did that show and it was a black guy that was a criminal, completely ignoring the
[00:43:19] He would be killed by the police immediately.
[00:43:22] Which is like, maybe, sure, that could be a plot at some point, but you wouldn't do it immediately.
[00:43:28] I mean, I think that is a, your job, industry you work in.
[00:43:32] I really don't understand what the fucking criticism of Roseanne is.
[00:43:37] These aren't real people acting a certain way.
[00:43:50] I mean, I would actually listen to the argument of, like, why the fuck is this dumb bitch Roseanne
[00:43:55] Because television is now filled with people that think going on TV and complaining to
[00:44:00] an audience of white people is entertainment with zero fucking punchlines written in it.
[00:44:04] And like references to pop songs serving as like a comic-con
[00:44:11] That's why Roseanne is back because the people you've replaced Roseanne with can't produce
[00:44:17] And the original Roseanne was a great show.
[00:44:21] And it showed working class people like on television.
[00:44:23] I'm gonna do a show called racist cheers.
[00:44:40] There's too many jungle bunnies in this neighborhood.
[00:44:45] I think he is like a big Trump guy in real life.
[00:44:52] I'm having anonymous gay sex with Puerto Ricans.
[00:44:57] I love this dicks that taste like Cezanne.
[00:45:01] They sleep in the same bed on that show, right?
[00:45:05] Well, they have twin beds pushed together real close.
[00:45:17] He pops in every once in a while and he's like, bros is the mom.
[00:45:19] We're in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the beginning of that movie.
[00:45:24] We're like all four of us grandparents.
[00:45:31] You know, the scene in Titanic when that old couple is going to sleep as the ship's
[00:45:36] But like, so the, what they don't tell you in that scene is like they're not aware that
[00:45:42] I think that's the point of that scene.
[00:45:45] This is the point of how stupid old people are.
[00:45:51] I want to go to sleep with the dumbass little kids on Titanic.
[00:45:54] You want to go to sleep with dumbass little kids?
[00:45:56] You want to sleep in bed with children.
[00:46:09] That must have been so fucking gay dude.
[00:46:17] You're fucking underneath the fucking floorboards.
[00:46:27] That's the thing we're not supposed to care about, right?
[00:46:34] I think we'll get mad if you care about the Titanic.
[00:46:42] Yeah, people still consider it a tragedy.
[00:46:44] It's like it's just a boat that sunk 100 years ago.
[00:46:49] I mean, that's why it was a big deal, I guess.
[00:46:51] As long as Billy Zane lived, dude, that's all that matters.
[00:46:59] You know what, the earthquake, a Lisbon?
[00:47:07] There's something like 10,000 people died.
[00:47:13] Yeah, it might have killed like 20,000 people.
[00:47:19] It's a big ass earthquake that just like killed all of the city.
[00:47:26] No, it's funny because it like, what is Portugal in the 1600s even look like?
[00:47:32] All these theologians had to explain why God would do something like that.
[00:47:37] Ah, it's because those guys were holding hands.
[00:47:43] Was that when the inquisition was happening?
[00:47:49] It's because we didn't kill enough Jews.
[00:47:51] Well, that was a different country, but yeah.
[00:47:57] Yeah, they're right next to each other.
[00:48:00] The two in the pink one in the stink was issued.
[00:48:14] God in Jesus for the two fingers and the Holy Spirit is in the ass.
[00:48:20] Forgive me, Father, for I have fucked ass.
[00:48:25] I think I'm going to have a Jesus phase.
[00:48:42] Yes, everybody loves having sex with Jesus.
[00:48:46] Yeah, like a whole carnival kind of Jesus.
[00:48:57] Bob Dylan's music for people who want to think they're good at guitar.
[00:49:18] First time I ever saw it, somebody wearing rape bands, like probably like 2002 or three.
[00:49:24] This guy was like, yeah, these are actually the sunglasses Bob Dylan had.
[00:49:29] He's like bragging about having Bob Dylan sunglasses.
[00:49:32] The like, lormer and metropolitan train station.
[00:49:37] There's always like that guy that just got to New York and he's like, I just left my
[00:49:42] I'm going to like, busking like work my way up in the New York City folk scene.
[00:49:51] See that folks see the difference a letter makes.
[00:49:54] I don't mind seeing a homeless man's penis.
[00:50:01] I would rather just look at a guy's dick real quick than listen to him.
[00:50:03] If you're going to be in public and service to yourself, I would much rather just be
[00:50:06] you coming into a big gulp than whatever the fuck is, you know, that Russian guy with the
[00:50:17] And then that little Chinese kid that his parents will hit him if he falls up.
[00:50:27] If he fucks up, he gets a stern look from his dad.
[00:50:32] He runs across the kids' eyelids to make him even more Chinese.
[00:50:36] He's got a fucking stand up for himself.
[00:50:39] Father, please, I'm already two Chinese.
[00:50:41] Oh, please do not make your eyes, your son's eyes even more swollen.
[00:50:53] If you guys had to do any kind of street performance, what would you do?
[00:50:58] I would just put that boy pussy on this roll, start clapping your cheeks together.
[00:51:26] Do people that don't live in New York know what show time is?
[00:51:30] Yeah, but through social media and then they're like, I had a friend that was like, there
[00:51:35] was some article about how the NYPD is trying to shut down show time.
[00:51:38] And some guy who doesn't live here has never been here.
[00:51:43] The dude gets rid of something so beautiful.
[00:51:46] And it's like, no, they keep people in the face.
[00:51:57] I was twirling around on a whole one of those white guys that sits there going, I hope
[00:52:09] You're about to catch a little Michael Douglas.
[00:52:19] I can't wait to make a citizen's arrest for dancing while black.
[00:52:31] I see in a proud to be just violently raping another man on the train from sea to shining.
[00:53:01] She pulled a vest and a domed double we sat on her.
[00:53:05] I want to get her a bell so she looks like a cow.
[00:53:13] I never thought I'd be a person that wants a dog.
[00:53:15] The Puerto Ricans like Pitbulls because they got big nipples like that.
[00:53:37] It was so funny when Evan was here and he was like, dude, I'm going to get a dog.
[00:53:40] It's going to be the buffest fucking dog.
[00:53:44] It's like the beginning of 101 Dalmatians where all the people who look like their dogs
[00:53:52] Speaking of being buff, I fucked my titties up.
[00:54:00] I want to join like a bodybuilding gym.
[00:54:06] So what you want is just like general strength training.
[00:54:08] So what bodybuilding is like a five day split.
[00:54:11] You have like a fucking back by's day, chest day.
[00:54:16] And then you do like three exercises per muscle or muscle group or whatever.
[00:54:24] It's like, oh like, you know, I just want to have big ass arms, bro.
[00:54:28] I only kind of do training to get stronger.
[00:54:30] Oh, you just you care about the good reps.
[00:54:42] I want big arms and a big ass round ass.
[00:54:48] That you do have like kind of a disappointing ask for your size.
[00:54:54] I mean, it's a big ass, but compared to the rest of you, it's you kind of have handkill
[00:55:09] And you're disparaging me right now in front of our listeners.
[00:55:15] If anything, the problem is what you should get is a top hat or like a little bowler hat.
[00:55:26] One of those, one of those bow ties, those sequence bow ties on the string.
[00:55:32] You need to look like one of the dogs playing poker.
[00:55:40] We're going to the hat store in Williamsbury tomorrow because we didn't go with.
[00:55:56] Jealous has that joke about like, I want to be an urban cowboy.
[00:55:59] Try to look like, I mean, the best you can hope for is like Terence Malick and already
[00:56:08] But you know, that's more of like a Australian hat.
[00:56:10] No, you're going to look like Richard Stanley or fucking.
[00:56:18] You're going to look like a more of like a filthy.
[00:56:20] You're going to look like the kid that was too gay to worry about him shooting up the
[00:56:24] school, but he's got the clothes for it.
[00:56:28] Yeah, I'm going to get, I think I am going to get little hats, though, little fucking
[00:56:34] little dad hats and then also big, I want a big ass floppy ass fisherman's shit.
[00:56:45] I want that big Newsy cap from the sting that Hooper has.
[00:56:53] It's sort of like a half-beret, half-new.
[00:57:11] I got some Western wear, I think, might be my niece.
[00:57:13] I got some Japanese food down on St. Mark's or all the Japanese guys hang out.
[00:57:21] Remember that time we saw that Japanese guy dressed like a Jew?
[00:57:41] They have easily the worst facial hair patterns and somehow make it look cool.
[00:57:45] It makes me wish that I had just heart horrifically...
[00:57:55] One thing that they're missing the hat.
[00:57:59] The one thing I fully don't trust about them is that they don't fuck.
[00:58:04] I think there's like a whole percentage of Japanese people that don't have sex.
[00:58:10] They fuck on trains and shit and they fuck octopuses.
[00:58:19] I think modern life has made them not as horny anymore.
[00:58:29] I should go back there and make them horny again.
[00:58:31] We were scared that little Japanese guys were going to co-ear fuck all our bitches after
[00:58:39] It was a special bomb that made them not horny.
[00:58:46] When they were like, dude, you got to see this.
[00:58:49] The plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima was called Gai.
[00:59:08] Wait, you didn't know the plane that dropped the...
[00:59:31] My left one is a little boy and my right one is fat man.
[00:59:33] And then fat man was Nagasaki and little boy was Hiroshima, I think.
[00:59:41] I just know anytime a fat man is represented in his story.
[00:59:51] The ability to fucking end the life of thousands.
[01:00:07] That would be a good look for me, actually.
[01:00:13] It's just him and his transgender non-contouring me.
[01:00:14] He's trying to trick King Louis into thinking he's cool so you could steal fire or get
[01:00:20] I can't remember what happens to that scene.
[01:00:30] I love in cartoons when it's like, it's either it's like Bugs Bunny or it's just like, it's
[01:00:38] a clearly male character just putting lipstick on and then the villain is horny as fuck
[01:00:47] Like King Louis would have fucked the balloon in a skirt.
[01:00:56] I was opening for Patrice when I was like 20 or something and I invited this girl.
[01:01:03] You know, I was like, yeah, I'm actually opening for Patrice.
[01:01:10] And I'm like, no one else gives a fuck.
[01:01:11] I was like, yeah, he's actually like a really good girl.
[01:01:14] And then she Googles him and then like texts me back or like, you know, aim or whatever
[01:01:30] I got off stage and he said good, the good, sad, funny stuff.
[01:01:32] And then like, that was the end of us talking about comedy.
[01:01:36] And then, you know, he was nice, but where was this in Austin?
[01:01:41] I just feel like from listening to like old O&A and stuff, he'd be like the, he'd be
[01:01:52] I mean, all those guys are just great at ripping your soul.
[01:01:54] Bryson told me a story about like opening for him and was like, yeah, if I could get feedback
[01:01:59] And Patrice was like, here's everything wrong that you're doing.
[01:02:07] I mean, I remember what the feedback was, but yeah, I think Bryson's.
[01:02:08] That's awesome that he just had it ready to go.
[01:02:12] Well, because me and Bryson, you suppose to use it like idolized.
[01:02:17] Elephant in the room is like, it might be my favorite fucking special.
[01:02:22] I'm not only because you relate to the title.
[01:02:26] Well, that is a good phrase that I use sometimes.
[01:02:29] Your first album should be elephant in the room too.
[01:02:36] No, it's going to be called butt to breakfast.
[01:02:39] No, I probably am going to stay hard the whole time.
[01:02:48] And I'm going to stay hard the whole time.
[01:03:02] It's so funny how so many upsetting it is to people to hear the rapids.
[01:03:11] Everything you know about Big Dick Hitler.
[01:03:21] Forget everything you do about Big Dick Hitler.
[01:03:28] Now stop gets like people like shouted out like on the road.
[01:03:32] So if you guys want other things to shout out, try out.
[01:03:55] Yeah, then you do change the words you get a laugh on too often.
[01:04:06] No, you're supposed to have beats and yeah.
[01:04:08] Somebody sent me a link to comedian Matt Reif shares his stories of his start in comedy.
[01:04:22] Come here and Matt Reif is all over MTV these days.
[01:04:28] Are you playing two videos the same thing?
[01:04:47] It's so funny how much more like Cara's Maddie can have much more presence he has in like
[01:04:52] It's so fucking annoying when there's a comic like that.
[01:04:54] There's like just smiling and confident on the camera.
[01:04:58] Well comedians forget that it's like we're supposed to be entertaining.
[01:05:03] You can't just be funny for like the seven minutes at a time.
[01:05:07] You have to actually like people want to be around.
[01:05:10] Anytime I have to be on camera it's just like very apparent I have no control over my face.
[01:05:16] I still don't know what to do with my camera.
[01:05:17] People ask me a direct question and I'll be like right, right.
[01:05:27] Like put your hand on top of the mic sometimes.
[01:05:41] So 22 years old, but you've been doing stand at comedy for some time now.
[01:05:45] I started when I was 15 years old when I was living in Columbus, Ohio.
[01:05:48] It was just like class clowns and stuff like around school.
[01:05:51] And I kind of discovered who like Dane Cook and like Dave Chippewa were and I realized
[01:05:52] like oh that's a profession like it'd be kind of cool.
[01:05:54] It's a little bit more of a payoff and detention every single day.
[01:05:58] So I tried it out as a hobby and then things.
[01:06:01] Who was that comic that was like he was like a handsome kind of white guy, but his like
[01:06:06] all his whole act was like yeah, fat, you can't discuss.
[01:06:14] As soon as I'd handsome white guy, the collar, Colin Kane.
[01:06:17] Yeah, he's like insult the weight step.
[01:06:21] I don't understand why that guy got work.
[01:06:24] He's like, yeah, it'd be great if somebody raped this dumb bitch off the mouth.
[01:06:31] He was just trying to be edgy, but he wasn't doing it in a funny way.
[01:06:38] I think we've talked about this before.
[01:06:43] And he was wanted and it's like people bombing.
[01:06:47] It's like Colin Kane and the like these two weird twins.
[01:07:00] Wait, so I one time I went to his website when I first found out about him, like I do.
[01:07:06] Colin Kane and on his website, it was like the greatest young comedian I have seen.
[01:07:12] That was like his testimony on like the splash page of his website.
[01:07:17] You know, I really like this Colin Kane kid because he really sticks it to the faggots
[01:07:33] Yeah, it was like the Peloponnesian war, babe.
[01:07:37] You can just like hit the random article on Wikipedia generate one half of it.
[01:07:41] Dennis Miller joke and then do it again and then do it punchline.
[01:07:44] Yeah, it's sort of like Hannibal, babe.
[01:07:54] He used to do Monday night football and it was so weird.
[01:07:57] This is so I didn't make any fucking sense.
[01:08:01] They were like, you know, let's get a comedian in there who doesn't know shit about football.
[01:08:09] I want to transition doing comedy into Colin golf.
[01:08:29] There's the back nine and the front nine.
[01:08:33] Next coming up next to the stand, we got on the mound.
[01:08:42] We've been hearing a lot about this guy over the last 25 years.
[01:08:49] You know another guy that plays golf except Tiger Woods?
[01:09:03] It's a lemonade company and he plays golf.
[01:09:36] You're talking about the world's fattest club.
[01:09:44] The best one is that guy John Daly who just smokes Mad Sigs and he like drinks like a hundred
[01:09:53] I think every time at the Masters, he does like shows the Masters.
[01:09:58] He watches the Masters at a hooters in Georgia.
[01:10:01] John, John, I think it's interesting that the game is called the Masters, but we have many
[01:10:14] Well, you know, he's been playing with a handicap all season long.
[01:10:24] His legs look like they're working a minute.
[01:10:25] Is he mentally retarded or does that mean his race?
[01:10:33] You know, he's got a very interesting stroke.
[01:10:53] I just want to be a restaurant tour, bro.
[01:10:55] Yeah, you want to have your surf and turf restaurant?
[01:10:58] It's just I was going to have a series of Bugaboo Creek franchises.
[01:11:02] It's like a theme restaurant where I've never heard of the animatronic like a moose.
[01:11:08] Have you been a bugaboo or racist term?
[01:11:19] Bugaboo was that song by like, what was it?
[01:11:37] So, uh, my heart tick and put it in your ass.
[01:11:47] Oh, I guess somebody asked us to talk about Sandra Bullock having four skin cells injected
[01:12:47] Because you're going to be blindfolded and taken out to a barn where you're savagely
[01:13:05] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, can you arrest a chimpanzee for rape?
[01:13:18] And in fact, that's, it's almost the perfect crime.
[01:13:30] The chief of police is like, we are, we have tried time and time again.
[01:13:43] There's nothing we can charge him with.
[01:13:47] That'd be the greatest super villain is a guy that just figures out ways.
[01:13:55] No, they just find different ways to not technically break any law, but cause chaos.
[01:14:07] You'd probably lose every champ though.
[01:14:18] He's like, Hey, have you seen my top eight?
[01:14:23] I do not know who the Jack the Reaper is, but maybe it's because a lot of people do
[01:14:33] So you say what you call a copycat killer?
[01:14:37] It's again, the illegal alien is the greatest technology.
[01:14:44] I guess it's on the super station, huh?
[01:14:49] They play the ads during the NBA playoff.
[01:15:09] Was anything called TST or no, no, the statistical network.
[01:15:25] We can end the show once I know once and for all which they used to play Atlanta Braves.
[01:15:29] They would play nothing but James Bond movies and Atlanta Braves games.
[01:15:34] My friend had it and I would go over there and the super station was always on.
[01:15:40] We watched TV and and hold each other's cons whenever a commercial came on that was for
[01:15:44] like Barbies or something that was for girls.
[01:15:48] You had to like close your eyes and turn around.
[01:15:54] I mean, it's like you yell at each other for who's a faggot for watching.
[01:16:01] You're watching the Barbie commercial you fucking faggot.
[01:16:04] Yeah, but I'm looking at their tits, dude.
[01:16:06] Yeah, I'm looking at the Barbies vagina area.
[01:16:14] Which one is the fucking super station.
[01:16:16] Super station or radio radio as it was known in the industry was set up in 1987 as an overnight
[01:16:21] sustaining service for independent local radio station.
[01:16:43] TBS is an American basic cable and set.
[01:16:48] What they stopped being the super station.
[01:16:51] Imagine your little fucking bitch ass WB.
[01:16:54] And here comes TBS come by saying yeah we're the super station.
[01:17:03] Well I think they bought Seinfeld and syndication.
[01:17:05] They just show Seinfeld three hours a day.
[01:17:08] So they're like oh we're a funny channel now.
[01:17:12] All right well speaking of funny channels that's the end of the show.
[01:17:15] Thanks for being patient and not having a temper tantrum in the compounds on Patreon about
[01:17:25] Sometimes you get stuck on a train and how.
[01:17:26] And we also don't want to disparage for the 10 to 15 percent of you that are listening
[01:17:32] We still have a lot of faith in it but it was just a human error.