Cum Town | Premium | 06/25/2018
[00:00:13] Cleaning peril parents accept risk at border.
[00:00:17] Migrants order tosses a wrench into the system.
[00:00:23] Saudi women get car keys, not equality.
[00:00:28] You thought your equality was coming your way?
[00:00:32] Right smack dab in the middle of your fucking face.
[00:00:51] Four women got to drive in Saudi Arabia or some shit.
[00:00:57] It happens every fucking time there's a World Cup.
[00:01:28] That's the then Glow On Tiffany company that's an advertisement.
[00:01:32] The Anandaga Nation in upstate New York is a matrilineal society.
[00:01:38] Oh, that's what I like to be as interested.
[00:01:41] Now opening an NYC Boston DC San Francisco, Miami and Nashville.
[00:01:49] I guarantee you there's something happening.
[00:01:51] Nick is not opening the full newspaper.
[00:02:08] It's like if we found out style of believes in Santa Claus, you're like, he's not real
[00:02:11] instead of the thing like, well, why would you please?
[00:02:17] And I'll continue saying it and however I fucking please.
[00:02:28] So everyone out there that's telling me to say things the right way suck my fat fucking
[00:02:35] You know, it'd be a good option for you is accidentally killing Santa Claus and then
[00:02:40] technically because of the Santa Claus, you'd have to become the new Santa Claus.
[00:02:45] You're like the Jew helper in that movie.
[00:02:53] Like then when Oscar Isaac started getting roles, I thought Oscar Isaac was that guy.
[00:03:00] It was surprising to find out Oscar Isaac wasn't Jewish.
[00:03:07] I thought well, I swear he had when inside, Lou and Davis came out.
[00:03:09] I thought he, I thought that was the guy.
[00:03:20] He does a bit where he plays like, can you imagine his mother?
[00:03:25] He does a bit like where he plays his mother.
[00:03:28] That guy is also like 50 years old and he plays 14 year old.
[00:03:38] The best was that kid in heavyweights, his name was Phil Cohen and he looked just like
[00:04:01] No, this guy doesn't look like, you'll never guess who I saw at Cafe Regio.
[00:04:06] Because they get this app, the Accinator.
[00:04:15] How about an app called The Blackinator?
[00:04:19] And it's like, is your character a man?
[00:04:45] Is your character associated with the automotive industry?
[00:05:00] And then just make it generate random questions.
[00:05:03] And then no matter what it comes back with, the DL Hugley, Bernie Mac, Cedric Taylor,
[00:05:17] The number one goal of come town is to raise all of my people up.
[00:05:21] You know, rising tide sucks every once in a while.
[00:05:23] If you want to be an industrious young man and make that website...
[00:05:28] And you want to put some fucking advertisers.
[00:05:43] It means everything I say I come up with.
[00:05:46] In my words you can use for commercial or personal purposes.
[00:05:53] But I'm not legally responsible for anything that happened.
[00:05:57] So if I say to you guys, go out there and kill police officers.
[00:06:00] Even if I name a specific police officer.
[00:06:03] What's the name of his personal opinion?
[00:06:06] Not legally responsible because I'm publishing these words under the creative cum license.
[00:06:09] Who is the lawyer that helped you with that?
[00:06:17] He's the guy that came up with the creative commons.
[00:06:24] You know who that is but you don't know who David Crumholz is?
[00:06:30] But you know the name of the guy that came up with the creative commons license.
[00:06:33] You've forgotten the charming Jew elf from the Santa Claus.
[00:06:38] First of all, how offensive is it that he's part of Christmas?
[00:06:41] Listen, if they let him be part of Christmas.
[00:06:49] I feel like that would be really cool if you technically fell into the Santa Claus.
[00:07:02] I think that she had a new husband or something.
[00:07:22] I would have a consensual relationship with some sexy elves.
[00:07:27] It's just us there and then fucking North Pole making toys and shit.
[00:07:37] Would you fuck Orlando Blooms in Lord of the Rings?
[00:07:40] There's now just a gay section of the New York Times.
[00:07:57] Riley Blox and ferocious bears, a history of American hunting from Blue Collar Passtime
[00:08:03] I love now that killing animals is a part of gay culture.
[00:08:09] Because that's all you need with this shit.
[00:08:19] Coming a gay police officer out here shooting these straight black teams.
[00:08:28] We're highlighting these queer ICE agents.
[00:08:38] And the armies, like they find one of those guys who got his dick blown off in Iraq.
[00:08:43] They're like, son, we have a special mission for you.
[00:08:46] We're going to turn you into a trans soldier that thinks closed borders are the right
[00:08:51] And no one will be able to argue with us.
[00:08:53] You can't stand up because you've got a sweet pair of juicy man titties.
[00:08:58] Big old, big old beautiful trans titties that can never be wrong about any of you.
[00:09:04] What is one of the most homophobic cultures there is?
[00:09:10] Remember that trans woman during pride?
[00:09:13] During pride week, started yelling at Obama about deportations and then fucking Obama
[00:09:25] It was it was everybody was as much as was cool.
[00:09:28] It was like, watch, watch Obama shut down this dumb trans bitch.
[00:09:37] Some exact people who were like, I love him.
[00:09:41] This fucking this woman mad about deportations are now upset that Donald Trump is literally
[00:09:54] They did Obama opened the detention centers.
[00:10:02] In 2014, the detention centers were opened specifically as like a deterrent to keep people
[00:10:06] from sending their kids across the board.
[00:10:08] We all know that Obama basically made this entire problem exist.
[00:10:13] And bushed by creating the Department of Homeland Security.
[00:10:16] But Obama made the infrastructure for Trump to like do this.
[00:10:20] My man Barry was straight up deporting way too many motherfucking.
[00:10:27] Yeah, there's a video of him in Germany and people are asking him about the baby concentration
[00:10:35] He's sitting next to Angela Merkel and just like pans the audience.
[00:10:39] And it's just like an audience full of absolute pussy white people just like hanging on every
[00:10:45] That's a good look for you, Adam, to call Germans absolute pussy.
[00:10:48] We've been talking about my 12 point plan to stop the bullying.
[00:10:56] I mean, you're just saying people are listening to it.
[00:10:58] I just say the things the audience wants me to say.
[00:11:08] So I don't get mad at me for hurting your feelings.
[00:11:22] I thought this picture of Trent prisoner was rich voss for a second.
[00:11:26] They told me they know that I like showering.
[00:11:28] So they set up this special shower for me.
[00:11:31] And is that when you're feeling like super steamy?
[00:11:34] And there's going to be maybe a gas that comes in the room.
[00:11:38] But I think that's just like an aroma therapy kind of thing.
[00:11:43] But little do they know they're going to want to make me into some.
[00:11:57] I've never, is that fucking like an animal that's sitting here?
[00:12:15] Stop saying, man, is a four and a half inch nails.
[00:12:20] It's like a nail and it's four and a half inch.
[00:12:31] Fuck the illegal Merkel under fucking and are fucked up.
[00:12:38] I'm taking shots that frumpy bitch Angela with her fucking austerity.
[00:12:43] My cousins can't fucking go to the beach anymore.
[00:12:49] Yeah, there's Germans patrolling the beach.
[00:13:00] I get tired of being right about politics and doing all the riffs.
[00:13:10] For all the people out there doing the hard work that defend me on Reddit.
[00:13:21] I forgot that I'm not allowed to bring up Reddit on that.
[00:13:23] Do you have splinter cells going into the open Anthony Reddit?
[00:14:00] You guys in 12, let's see how old that was.
[00:14:10] I think that was right before I started getting pussy.
[00:14:20] I used to love going to sidebar just getting way too drunk.
[00:14:26] It's so easy to crush there because everyone was terrible.
[00:14:33] They had to find the wine in the back for me.
[00:14:40] About spermony and it's made out of cum.
[00:14:42] I mean, it's the other name of the comic book.
[00:14:46] Yeah, so they were going in on you this time now, which is unfair.
[00:15:14] There's like a couch and like a little table.
[00:15:25] I want to say, shout out to everyone who came out to Rhode Island.
[00:15:29] The fucking Diego's last night popping off.
[00:15:37] Shout out to my man, Terence, bringing the fucking edibles.
[00:15:41] I had weed for the first time in a while.
[00:16:19] This sounds like a game for real cool guys.
[00:16:41] I think my favorite hotep thing is like, you know, this is how I spell it.
[00:16:54] Hadassa was telling me the other day she saw some hoteps that were shouted.
[00:17:06] Don't have a couple monkeys suddenly turn his cock.
[00:17:21] Okay, so this article, it's got a picture of an old woman.
[00:17:30] But then the headline is Victims of Time.
[00:17:34] And it's about statues and limitations for rape.
[00:17:48] And when like, you're just so fucking irrelevant, it doesn't matter what you say.
[00:17:51] Nobody's scrutinizing it anymore because they're like, yeah, look at it.
[00:17:56] He just wants to sit on a porch and spit at people.
[00:18:05] You know, I got a little tiny, a three and a half inch boy that I'm a-lessed.
[00:18:12] Science has created a way to have just a man that doesn't grow taller than a half inches.
[00:18:18] And I hold him in my lap and I just molest his little penis.
[00:18:24] They're like, oh, there's old man Mullen Diddling on that porch again.
[00:18:37] I'm like, I'm sorry, but he spent the money to have a tiny man to molest.
[00:18:45] That would suck to be that little guy getting molested.
[00:18:47] Well, that's the ethical question of the day.
[00:18:50] Is it wrong to use science to create a tiny little man that you molest?
[00:18:55] This little tiny asshole you shut the fuck with your toothpicks.
[00:18:58] You suck on his tiny little fucking three and a half millimeter dick.
[00:19:05] Your tongue just enveloping the entire middle part of his body.
[00:19:10] You can put both of his feet and legs in your mouth and suck his body off.
[00:19:15] You can kind of feel his dick on the roof of your mouth.
[00:19:23] Just flossing your teeth with this little dick.
[00:19:33] So you're saying it's an ethical conundrum?
[00:19:37] So I think that I think that maybe I'm going to do a TEDx talk.
[00:19:40] It really gets to the bottom of whether or not I'm allowed to make a tiny little ten inch
[00:19:48] I bet he could fuck you up because if he got his hands in your eyes and like pulled it out,
[00:19:55] Also, they should be able to hurt you in some way.
[00:20:02] Does that make that's why it's molestation?
[00:20:04] If they can't fight back at any capacity, it's not a challenge.
[00:20:08] I think that you got to live in fear that you can't fall asleep because the little man might
[00:20:12] crawl up your ear or your nostril and then try to stab you in the brain and thus end your
[00:20:24] Honestly, it's funny if Netflix were having a meeting about what's appropriate and inappropriate.
[00:20:29] There was a guy there that's like, he's got a ten inch man and he's sucking his penis
[00:20:43] They wouldn't fire him immediately because first of all they would say, where did you
[00:20:50] I don't like, listen, I do not like what you're doing with him.
[00:21:00] How much of his fucking body you have in your mouth?
[00:21:02] Some guy says the N word, but he says the N word instead of saying the N word.
[00:21:12] How funny would be of that Netflix executive was like, just to clarify I was saying K and
[00:21:19] He was also a head of communications too.
[00:21:26] You know it's funny it's like, I kind of get...
[00:21:31] If you're the head of communications you should know to just say the N word, but that's still
[00:21:38] like such a bad love to fire somebody over that.
[00:21:49] They're like about offensive words and comedy specials.
[00:21:52] And he was like, in what instances are like,
[00:21:54] it says, I mean, you don't know, but it was a conversation
[00:21:57] He's like, so we have some performances where people say
[00:22:00] And he's like, is that if it's like a black performer,
[00:22:02] like we'll keep those ones or white performance.
[00:22:08] So some SJ double somebody complain and then later in a meeting
[00:22:17] But it was like saying that instead of saying the end word
[00:22:21] I mean, yeah, if you're literally the guy
[00:22:22] of the communications guy, you should know to drop.
[00:22:29] And like, that's not the kind of thing people should be
[00:22:31] Well, he was smiling so much when he said it, though.
[00:22:34] He was like, you know what we can't say.
[00:22:37] It's like, obviously the guy might not be racist.
[00:22:40] But yeah, like if he was doing it to like cause an issue
[00:22:43] when there shouldn't be one there, it's like,
[00:22:49] You should be smarter than to like nitpick with, you know,
[00:22:54] He could have just said that he could have very well
[00:22:56] just been using the KNI, GG, which is all have agreed.
[00:23:13] Well, I'm glad that Nick clarified that he was the
[00:23:17] And thank you for clearing up my good name.
[00:23:30] We have to have another adventure in America this time.
[00:23:33] I'm going to have a little girl named Adam.
[00:23:37] I'm going to give birth to a little girl.
[00:24:17] That's when it happened the day before.
[00:24:25] I think what happened was Pearl Harbor and then Dimebag died the next day.
[00:24:29] And then Roosevelt was like, these Japanese have done.
[00:25:06] Suck all cocks with a cockboys from hell.
[00:25:10] I don't remember any other Pantera songs.
[00:25:17] You can buy this stupid Saudi house for $12,000.
[00:25:30] That's what boys are over here dying for is a bunch of dirt.
[00:25:41] That's what boys are over here dying for is a bunch of dirt.
[00:25:50] That box that they pray to in Ramadan, in the hodge.
[00:26:07] In the metropolitan section, not dead, just practicing.
[00:26:10] Once the province of Goths subculture, a new movement is thinking of better deaths ahead.
[00:26:16] This is something that was stolen from me.
[00:26:22] But what about the cum, what about the cum, what it writes?
[00:26:30] In the sports bar franchise, expansion, semi-nude bartenders are half the plan.
[00:26:40] Sexy gay men and big titty bitches at hooters?
[00:26:49] That's his ideal fucking place of business, dude.
[00:26:55] If your cock is covered, but your balls are exposed.
[00:27:11] Oh, I guess Irish, if your show just penis to a child.
[00:27:36] I'm not going to let you get away with that.
[00:27:38] You just implied that there's a good way to show your penis to a kid.
[00:27:42] Like if your dad is like coming out of the shower when you're a kid.
[00:27:46] That only good way to show your penis to a kid is if there's a picture of his real parents
[00:27:54] This is adoptive parents don't get him.
[00:27:57] He's like, son, I want to show you something.
[00:27:59] And he's like, let me out of your fucking car.
[00:28:22] That's the only good way to show your dad to a kid.
[00:28:25] I guess like when you're a kid, you can see a man's penis in a locker room.
[00:28:33] At the, at my parents gym, I used to see old guys dicks.
[00:28:40] They owned, they owned, it was the 80s.
[00:28:43] Yeah, it was the Jewish body building outfit.
[00:28:45] And it was only populated by old men with, yeah, just incredibly long to test people's.
[00:28:51] All those old guys would just hold you down and show you their penis.
[00:28:56] Those guys that have like 14 inch tests.
[00:29:04] When the ladies see your nice banana shape to test it.
[00:29:12] No, because like I saw it, because I'm not allowed to mention it on the show anymore.
[00:29:17] Oh, you just found that out after you mentioned it?
[00:29:21] The way I found out, I'm not allowed to mention it on the show anymore.
[00:29:25] I told this story about John Morse wanted to beat the shit out of you for showing your dick.
[00:29:30] And then someone was like, that's weird.
[00:29:32] And it's like, I don't know what the fucking ari is.
[00:29:36] Damn, that, I mean, Ari did just go to Thailand for like three months.
[00:29:42] The story is that Ari was peeing and some woman wanted her daughter to see how boys pee.
[00:29:56] Would you, he's like been fired from Dateline MBC.
[00:30:03] Dude, my dog, they're like Chris, they're never going to give you a show.
[00:30:08] They're never going to be in entertainment again.
[00:30:11] There's a guy pooping behind the tree today and I didn't see him and my dog was like going
[00:30:17] And he looked out from behind the trees like, can I get a little private?
[00:30:19] You're like, can I get a little privacy here dude?
[00:30:23] Yeah, he was just taking a shit out of the middle of the city.
[00:30:29] He said, bitch, I'm Fox News saying like, I've actually talked to a lot of African-American
[00:30:34] who are saying, gosh, you know, this is better than our ghettos.
[00:30:41] Well, a lot of people are saying black people don't say gosh, absolutely incorrect.
[00:30:47] We already established he's a black guy.
[00:30:55] You know, I wish I wish Goofy was my black dad.
[00:30:58] Yeah, constantly hurting, hurting himself and putting himself in outrageous circumstances.
[00:31:03] Showing himself to death blaming it on the police.
[00:31:06] Yep, doing the full, doing the full split.
[00:31:08] Selling cigarettes, not expecting to not do.
[00:31:11] Do you see these expecting not be choked to death by police officers after selling cigarettes?
[00:31:18] If you break the lawn in this country, all bets are off.
[00:31:23] You have freedom until you break any one of the numerous arbitrary laws that you're suspected
[00:31:34] Don't let us catch you stepping around fruity like.
[00:32:06] Somebody recognized me in Coney Island and literally like two minutes later, I was riding
[00:32:10] my bike on a full walk in the front tire when in between two boards.
[00:32:19] I'm going to put my hips all in bruise.
[00:32:23] They just pulled up his pants and he's got a giant gash right at right at right at right
[00:32:25] at right at right at right at right at right at right at right at right.
[00:32:30] Right from the, where my pubic area ends to my asshole there's a big cut.
[00:32:46] I didn't realize that a nut was that coiled when it's in the, in the scrotum.
[00:32:50] Dude, that was a really fucked up bike accident you got in.
[00:32:54] You ever have those weird dreams or your dick is like completely deformed?
[00:32:59] It's like a, it's a cousin of the being naked in public dream.
[00:33:03] No, I sometimes will have like where it'll like be just this huge deformed weird dick.
[00:33:20] Dude, just sitting in the same bag and like, dang, the same, the same girls I fuck and
[00:33:31] I don't think I've ever had that dream.
[00:33:33] My friend Doug who's like even shorter than we are and we're all the same.
[00:33:43] He was just like didn't need a fucking stool to get things.
[00:33:53] It's so funny how much of life is just a prison.
[00:33:58] My body's a prison despite despite all your rage and I will fucking I will persevere past
[00:34:11] Gasters, bison's, caves inside a dozen national parks, summer adventures just for you.
[00:34:17] Hi, my name's Faggot and I'm the New York Times read guy.
[00:34:25] New York Times introduces Faggot, the guy that reads the New York Times to you.
[00:34:58] The New York Times is proud to announce Faggot.
[00:35:05] The actor is riding high starring in blockbusters.
[00:35:10] No interest in writing the rest of that.
[00:35:16] Just had to Nick's best friend, Josh Brolin.
[00:35:18] Yeah, who did compliment me, by the way, highlight of my career.
[00:35:27] He said, I just want to put you in a little cage.
[00:35:40] We got to take you to this island where you can do auditions.
[00:35:42] But we can't have you on the flight log because this is a big opportunity.
[00:35:47] We don't want people finding out who the next star is going to be before its time.
[00:35:51] So we have to shrink you down to 10 inches.
[00:35:54] And then we'll put you in a little, just a little, you know, doc kid.
[00:35:59] And then we'll bring you back to normal size.
[00:36:03] And then that's where you can meet David Geffen, Brian Singer, Garth Anseyer, David Newman.
[00:36:10] And Rick Moran, an inventor of the shrinking.
[00:36:12] The rest of the men we call star makers.
[00:36:16] Yeah, Sam Rick Moranis inventor of the profession.
[00:36:19] Yeah, people said he quit Hollywood to raise his family.
[00:36:24] He got way too into shrinking the kids.
[00:36:26] Yeah, Rick Moranis's wife died of cancer.
[00:36:28] It's like, huh, maybe you shouldn't have been doing weird experiments in the attic,
[00:36:35] Possibly the issue was shrinking and unshrinking your wife repeatedly.
[00:36:39] The way he, Rick Moranis, the way he discovered it, is just the guy.
[00:36:48] Maybe you shouldn't have put your rat penis.
[00:36:53] Yeah, maybe she would have been toxic shock syndrome if you were a rat crawling in her
[00:36:58] Living under her hat and tugging on her hair to control which direction she lost from her.
[00:37:02] So you could make a nice dinner for a weird French man.
[00:37:06] Yeah, maybe that would have prevented him.
[00:37:12] I like the idea of Rick Moranis trying to do the shrink rate because he was just trying
[00:37:15] to shrink his wife's pussy a little bit.
[00:37:21] Honey, I finally made the kids a size that won't destroy your vagina.
[00:37:37] Just three young bucks watching soccer, the world's game.
[00:37:46] I love the brownstone and then you have it as a layer to rape children in.
[00:38:01] But do you do like, do you do volunteering and stuff?
[00:38:06] You're going to start a young men's gay choir?
[00:38:12] I'll tell you it is not as rewarding as you think of me.
[00:38:18] In fact, like food, like the- Like making sandwiches and stuff?
[00:38:23] Which I guess is kind of the way that kind of shit should work.
[00:38:30] I said I wasn't going to talk about it.
[00:38:32] I'm going to teach comedy classes for underprivileged kids.
[00:38:37] It's going to be usually $242 per session, which I'll drop down to $199.99 for them.
[00:38:42] And I'm going to get the New York Public School system to pay me for the kids.
[00:38:47] I'm going to teach Spanish to Chinese people.
[00:38:52] Hey, katipo de Chineseo de sexo de faka.
[00:39:03] But then I have subtitles that say repeat after me, but in English.
[00:39:11] And then they're being held down by me at gun points.
[00:39:15] They learn how to publish and spend it.
[00:39:18] And then it says, where's the bathroom?
[00:39:28] And then the Chinese guy is screaming at the top of his lungs.
[00:39:47] We're still, there's many different ways to ask for the bathroom.
[00:39:54] You forget that the bathrooms in Mexico, that not only do they, you can't flush the toilet
[00:39:58] paper, but you're not allowed to be a woman in there either.
[00:40:02] They don't have, it's so funny how like the whole bathroom debate about whether they should
[00:40:08] You talk to people who talk about like first world problems.
[00:40:11] And it's like, yeah, literally there's other countries where they don't have bathrooms.
[00:40:15] And India, you have to dig a hole in the ground and shit in it.
[00:40:28] The entirety of India is just a bunch of holes filled the shit.
[00:40:31] And then apes stealing people's sprite.
[00:40:34] They have different types of small apes.
[00:40:36] Yeah, that, that planet Earth with the monkeys that steal from people.
[00:40:43] So David Attenborough is like, it's interesting how much the monkeys remind us of certain
[00:40:55] The loudmouth monkeys might be the worst.
[00:40:57] Some of them know to mind their own business.
[00:41:04] This is Roxanne Gay talking about how to kill a mockingbird is bad.
[00:41:13] You know, 50, 60, you have her long many years.
[00:41:20] To kill a mockingbird is a book for which a great many people harbor reverence and nostalgia.
[00:41:32] She should, like her career should end with her just reviewing on YouTube different types
[00:41:36] of honey barbecue sauce from chain restaurants.
[00:41:45] She's like, well, I just got back from the, I don't know, fucking Charlie's sub shop.
[00:41:54] Not the best honey barbecue I've ever had.
[00:41:57] Let me tell you, I went blind in one eye.
[00:42:00] They asked me to leave because I started wearing garbage bags as pants.
[00:42:03] These are our tweets where she's complaining about having to like fucking walk through
[00:42:10] And now this people are supposed to be able to relate to that.
[00:42:11] First of all, going on Twitter to complain about customer service, which somebody we
[00:42:24] And you know, it's funny too, because there's people I know that are funny on Twitter.
[00:42:28] And then they'll just have like one bad day.
[00:42:34] And it's like, what do you think is going to happen?
[00:42:40] And they gave me the wrong, they never emailed me a fucking confirmation.
[00:42:49] That's not, those will not build your delts.
[00:42:51] No, you just got to do those like shrug thing.
[00:43:10] We'll have no choice but to fucking respect me.
[00:43:13] Because I'll have the delts, the delts of steel.
[00:43:17] I might have to do steroids for it because I have naturally narrow shoulders.
[00:43:28] Like a femme fatale that was getting fucked in the ass by Nazis.
[00:43:41] A femme fatale is a woman that goes into a private detective's office and blows cigarettes
[00:43:45] smoking her face and says, you know, I want you to fuck me as if you were my husband on
[00:43:50] And I was like, I didn't know why but I did it anyways.
[00:44:04] I know there was something different about this name.
[00:44:07] She walked into my office like a 10 inch tall man.
[00:44:09] And you suck off all day long on your porch.
[00:44:25] As soon as she left, I pulled that tiny man right out of my desk.
[00:44:34] I got a suck off that little man's thing.
[00:44:35] I listened to this broad for one more second.
[00:44:37] I was going to put my revolver in my mouth and hold it triggered.
[00:44:57] He's so hard in the drawer, but it is worse to be sucked off.
[00:45:06] To be stored next to your rolodex and your tinctures.
[00:45:19] I picked up the dictaphone and explained to my assistant.
[00:45:24] I'm not going to be taking any calls for the next 10 minutes.
[00:45:27] So you're going to figure something out.
[00:45:29] It's just him down by the aqueduct, writing down when the water comes out.
[00:45:34] It's like, of course, it's stealing it from the valley.
[00:45:55] They're putting a pipe stage, they just have a ten inch man.
[00:46:04] Just put his little legs in their mouth.
[00:46:09] Just licking his whole face, his whole head.
[00:46:22] Like, what even sexual gratification would you get?
[00:46:34] I'm putting a candle made out of flesh.
[00:46:41] I guess you suck going to lick it on him like ice cream.
[00:46:48] Could you please stop sucking on the tiny man?
[00:46:54] Listen, we can do things my way and we do them the highway.
[00:47:02] It's a thing that's going to be invented by the bad guy from Hoofrey, Badger Rabbit.
[00:47:08] Yeah, he wants to build a highway through toontown.
[00:47:11] That's why he buys up the clover trolley line so he can shut him down and set up the highway
[00:47:18] So, Roger Rabbit is a thing against mass development?
[00:47:23] Well, it's kind of the same plot as Chinatown.
[00:47:27] It's like Roger Rabbit has that little man that he has that sucking on.
[00:47:33] Eddie Valiant is like, Roger, where is my little man?
[00:47:53] Mona Lisa was on film struck for a hot minute there too.
[00:48:01] No, Mona Lisa is like about this prostitute.
[00:48:04] She's a black prostitute and he's her like driver.
[00:48:07] And they have like a romantic relationship.
[00:48:20] You should go for a Hoskins kind of body.
[00:48:23] That's seen in Long Good Friday where he's like showering and they're playing jazz music.
[00:48:29] He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's showering blood off his body.
[00:48:34] He's just like, yeah, five, six, probably 200.
[00:48:42] Maybe not young, but she's, she looks pretty good.
[00:48:47] We're gonna have to deal with some of the-
[00:48:48] People are like digging up her body and having sex with it.
[00:48:55] You see, there was a fun video the other day about a funeral in Indonesia and in Indonesia,
[00:49:03] like part of the funeral is you carry the casket up onto this like elevated pagoda.
[00:49:10] And so it goes up this ladder and everyone has to lift the casket and then the ladders
[00:49:13] broke and the casket fell down and crushed the woman's son's head.
[00:49:21] So imagine like you're just your bitch overbearing cunt mom.
[00:49:24] That has to have this fancy fucking funeral.
[00:49:27] She's so glad to be finally be rid of her.
[00:49:29] She's been in your apartment up your fucking ass for years.
[00:49:34] Finally this bitch dies and then she crushes your head.
[00:49:42] Can you imagine how much it would suck if heaven was real and you had to like, you know,
[00:49:46] like, and you see all your loved ones forever.
[00:49:49] Brutal is just like, yeah, it's like going home for Christmas forever.
[00:49:54] I want to get my cock rub by Marilyn Monroe.
[00:49:56] I'm not hanging out with you fucking grandpa.
[00:50:01] Although my grandpa that died when I was a baby did like wrestling.
[00:50:03] So maybe I could watch a little wrestling with him.
[00:50:05] It would be cool if you met like a great, great grandfather and he was like, how about
[00:50:20] I hope that it makes a bit of time thinking about yourself and your life.
[00:50:27] I had apparently, I had a weird uncle that came to America like in the fucking 30s.
[00:50:33] No, he just, he was like a gambler and he made like a ton of money and he like bought
[00:50:36] people a house in Greece or something and then he just disappeared and we had another
[00:50:39] like uncle who became a doctor here and he just, and I just never knew about that until
[00:50:58] Yeah, but they are like known as the molestius family member.
[00:51:02] This is making me want to play FIFA badly again.
[00:51:08] No, there's no disc in it, motherfucker.
[00:51:10] I want to wait till the end of the summer so we can get it 19.
[00:51:18] No, it'll come out at the beginning of the season.
[00:51:27] Yeah, yeah, it was on the coffee table.
[00:51:30] Yeah, I guess you took it out of the box and then forgot they found it on the top.
[00:51:36] It's the kid's foot locker, kid's foot looker.
[00:51:39] It's the guy that looks at children's feet.
[00:51:41] You go in there and it looks exactly like kid's foot locker and then you go in there with
[00:51:44] your son and then the guy locks the door and he's like, it's too late.
[00:52:00] He looks at children's feet and he comes in his pants.
[00:52:05] A lot of people don't understand that a lot of American businesses locking the door and
[00:52:12] I think you just do whatever you want and charge money.
[00:52:17] There's a lot of porn now where it's like someone at a pawn shop has caught stealing and they
[00:52:27] I'm actually pretty famous in finest stuff.
[00:52:35] News analysis for self professed negotiator.
[00:52:41] That's the kind of stuff he jerk off to.
[00:52:43] Yeah, that's the kind of stuff I jerk off to.
[00:52:46] I've never been informed since I would turn like 20 and I'm not ever starting again.
[00:52:51] Oh, I'm probably one of the most informed people you know.
[00:52:56] What's the capital of fucking Liberia, bro?
[00:53:02] Well, it takes me a while to hear the question.
[00:53:10] But once you go from having too many head muscles.
[00:53:30] That's what movie won Best Picture in 1991.
[00:53:46] This is in jeopardy, you fucking idiot.
[00:53:48] You said you just buzz first and you're limited time.
[00:54:17] I don't know why Ordon here is he pole keeps dropping your head because that's how he
[00:54:21] Driving Miss Daisy was the year that do the right thing came out and it beat do the right
[00:54:31] 1989 is when do the right thing came out.
[00:54:35] So I think driving Miss Daisy is probably 1991.
[00:54:43] Let's first see if you're right about 89.
[00:54:47] I can't wait for the Schindler's list sequel, right?
[00:54:53] Oh, you guys are wrong about 89, by the way.
[00:55:22] It's one of the biggest pieces of shit about the three.
[00:55:24] And it wasn't like it took a while for people to know Godfather's ever won best picture.
[00:55:36] I don't even think that came out in 91.
[00:55:44] No, it was it was driving Miss Daisy, not Godfather three.
[00:55:59] Why didn't you get to use any of my punches?
[00:56:17] You know what would be fun is they do the Oscars, but instead of that little statue.
[00:56:21] You get a live tiny gold man that you can suck off.
[00:56:28] Yeah, I want to thank all of the women who have put up with so much in this industry so that
[00:56:36] Please, Francis McDormand the little sock we all.
[00:56:41] Please, Francis, Scott, the little sock we all.
[00:56:46] It's a little little gold man that gets sucked off.
[00:56:49] Yeah, her Oscars piece last year is sucked.
[00:56:51] Not only was it stupid as fuck, but after that she had a black man thrown in jail for touching
[00:57:00] There was just some black guy like them after party or whatever that was taking pictures with
[00:57:04] her like award and they were like he's trying to steal it.
[00:57:08] They threw him in jail for like charging me like grand lars in your time.
[00:57:18] I think I said it sucked on comtown once and I got a DM from a guy that's like, you fucking
[00:57:24] And first I didn't like it and then as time went by I liked it even less.
[00:57:28] The main problem is that there is no difference between any of the characters and how they
[00:57:38] You know, I mean some of that comes through in the performances.
[00:57:42] Well, kind of, but I mean that's mostly like this belabored performance is this toothless
[00:57:49] No, I just think that like, I just did not fuck with the moral of the story.
[00:57:55] They're going to go kill another rapist that had nothing to do with the rape of her daughter.
[00:58:03] Yeah, that's only because I think you're looking at it in the context of things at large and
[00:58:07] that that movie is supposed to be like a prescription for some kind of social problem we have now.
[00:58:11] Yeah, maybe we should just kill a rapist.
[00:58:14] I don't think, I mean, I think you take it out of the context of the things going on right
[00:58:21] Like you wouldn't have a fucking problem with it.
[00:58:25] And I think maybe they decided not to kill the rapist.
[00:58:33] And it's also, you know, like the cop and the redemption is he has cancer that's like it's
[00:58:40] The last time we were killing himself in this.
[00:58:42] Oh, well, because he doesn't want his family to watch him die.
[00:58:49] He would go around sharking women and show their kitties.
[00:58:55] How about if it's a Japanese and you just threaten Alex for back?
[00:59:10] But you didn't even say it as a question.
[00:59:11] They said, oh, mister, it's right here.
[00:59:38] You see the Germans the black guy on the Germany team is named Audegie
[00:59:42] Which is the same as the guy that made Ed Hardy
[00:59:45] The Swedish team as the guy whose name is Lewis J. Gomez, which is weird. No. Yeah, that's awesome. I know
[00:59:52] Real is that Marco Roy motherfucking said piece bitch beautiful goal. Wow, that's that's pretty as fuck. Oh my god
[01:00:00] Ah, that's prettier than my nose. Oh, no, that's Tony Cruz Tony cuckooch
[01:00:09] When was what when was the Louisiana purchase 18? 57? I
[01:00:16] Don't know no, it's before that Adam. It's before that the Louisiana purchases when I'd say 18
[01:00:27] Punches 32 go ahead you use them used to I haven't said who's right or wrong so you can still punch
[01:00:35] They're punching each other's hands. I'm using my left hand 18. Oh three you dumb big. Oh, there we go
[01:00:43] He said he said he was hurt so I win 18. Oh three
[01:00:46] That's what Nick wins because you yelled the most gaily Adam. All right, okay back to the news Nick wins
[01:00:52] He knows Julia shark spear. Who had the biggest penis out of any president?
[01:00:57] Millard and John's Millard film LBJ LBJ LBJ how big was his cock 1313
[01:01:04] He has a phone about a nylon's ruined finger fucking which is pretty awesome
[01:01:12] He's the cool president. There's a there's a get some riffs. There's a recording where he can't we can't have nine bad episodes
[01:01:18] Hold on. I'm saying I'm starting to get worked up about something. I gotta get mad about some
[01:01:23] Lynn there's a recording of Linda Johnson ordering pants and how about Lindy West Johnson? He's a fat woman
[01:01:28] He's like we're gonna go to Cambodia and we're gonna get all those cheeseburgers
[01:01:33] Getting a Cambodia and we're gonna eat those cheeseburgers and we're gonna stop
[01:01:37] Mm-hmm man from doing stand-up comedy and Cambodia. Yeah, you go Lindy West Johnson. That's good. Thank you
[01:01:47] How about another president? I'm so fucking
[01:01:49] Do all these roofs. Sorry, man. I have to do all the riffs. Yeah, you do. Fuck you do. All right. Here's a new one ready. Yeah
[01:01:58] Sicario too. I wonder what happens in that one. Yeah, so how about
[01:02:11] Mexico what Mexico waxing no, well actually will Mexico okay, cuz the M you all right. Yeah, Mexico
[01:02:21] Why they have a wahaka wexica. Should we go to wahaka? Yeah, when we go to the Hamptons, bro
[01:02:28] Adam it's funny. How many Hispanic women looking sound like warrior?
[01:02:32] Yeah, it's true. You got a same machine. Yeah, well my condos
[01:02:45] I am going to let my child scream in the aisle and not even acknowledge the fact that everyone is furious at me
[01:02:54] I feel like we Mexican moms hold it down. No, they don't yeah, they do I
[01:03:03] Think so. Those kids are they're all in MS 13. Yeah, well, it's cuz they're not beat his children
[01:03:09] You got beat your kids. They've all got skull. I can't wait to have a son
[01:03:14] We'll do that boy. I'm three years old you got I'm gonna make I'm gonna use me the toughest motherfucker
[01:03:20] Oh, yeah, and he's gonna respect people. Yeah, absolutely or else or else he's got I'm gonna have a whole collection of belts whips
[01:03:33] Beat his fucking ass. I can't wait to have a little sassy
[01:03:37] My son up to a car bathroom. Mm-hmm. He wants to do their homework now
[01:03:41] That's right reading dinner first take a fan and then take the little protective thing off and put his cock by the blades
[01:03:47] Yeah, right. I mean I speak into it. Well, it's happening. You earned this
[01:03:55] That's a classic hey, yeah, do I sound cool while I'm abusing you?
[01:04:06] So now when people ask you just tell them your dad was showing you a cool trick with your voice and the fan and
[01:04:12] Your dick accidentally got caught in it. Yeah, I can't wait till my son is the gayest little kid ever
[01:04:26] Lessons and skips you don't go back to back really really gay guys. That's not true. My grandfather wasn't gay
[01:04:31] Yeah, he was really gay. That's not true. Yeah, it's just you was worse. My grandfather fucked at 12
[01:04:36] Yeah, a man woman are you gonna stay here? I said we're gonna stay here and raise your child here in Brooklyn
[01:04:41] No way who last birthday honestly though like we were talking about it the other day if you raised a kid in New York
[01:04:47] 98% chance their trans could be trans. Yeah. Yeah for sure
[01:04:50] Yeah, which is fine, which is I think we maybe need to come to terms with the fact that like our kids are just gonna be
[01:04:55] Trans I'm pretty progressive, but if my kid was gay or trans or something. I would kill cut the fuck off
[01:05:00] Yeah, yeah out of the house. Yeah homeless don't give a shit if you end up in a homeless shelter
[01:05:05] I'll go to that homeless shelter and pretend to be someone else in a case you eat the sandwiches
[01:05:09] Yeah, I'll accuse you yeah in the homeless shelter. So you get kicked out of the homeless
[01:05:13] Did you see I I say he's like that's my father. I have pictures of it
[01:05:17] Yeah, I say you that picture that family in California where everyone is the different gender
[01:05:22] Oh, they're planning on making three California's
[01:05:25] No, the Republicans are trying to do it. They're not gonna do that. No, it's not it's just tech bros
[01:05:30] I don't know if it's even Republican. No, it's because they're like sick of like the cities
[01:05:35] Which have more people like telling like riverside and bakers field what to do? You know
[01:05:40] Well the three the three ones are gonna be like Los Angeles up through Ventura and like all the way to the Bay Area and then
[01:05:45] Northern California and then Southern California
[01:05:48] So California will remain like all the parts of California the people really fucking hate and then Northern California and Southern California will be
[01:05:56] Both where Paul Walker's character is from in
[01:06:01] Southern California is still gonna be like
[01:06:03] Orange County or no is Orange County and San Diego are gonna be part of Southern California
[01:06:08] No, they'll be part of California. Inland Empire. I think it'll be part of no. No, no
[01:06:13] No, California look at the fucking man. I saw the map dude
[01:06:16] I wanted them is gonna be Danny California. Yeah, and that's just red hot chili
[01:06:24] Raisin yeah Steve Harvey. Yep Cedric the entertain Ray Charles ghost hologram
[01:06:32] Um, do you uh, Anthony key this apparently fucked fleas on Anthony Kumita's
[01:06:45] They do not believe in your ground. That's right. Yeah, it's not like that. That's pretty good Anthony Kumita
[01:06:51] I got to get the got to get the blacks out of here. Yeah, something like that
[01:07:01] Comedian comedian. What are you talking about? Who said supposed to be it's uh, it's uh
[01:07:12] You got to get to get to do a better riff. Sorry
[01:07:19] Uh, we've been doing an hour five. Oh, okay. All right. I guess we have to do an hour 30 now, huh?
[01:07:23] We signed ourselves. No, we got another one. We got a we don't have to do was what's his name here
[01:07:27] We should probably have some kind of break in between. Yeah, we're considering we can't even finish one
[01:07:37] He has my food. Yeah, I got a kind of hungry piss. I'm gonna not eat because I'm trying to save the bitch
[01:07:44] I do kind of you're right spread tonight. The spread's gonna be so insane. There's a party coming to the party. Nick. Uh, I'm gonna go with the way it's
[01:07:51] Fuck that. No, I've got a lot of stress. I gotta lift out come on man. I gotta go. I gotta go
[01:07:58] No, see this is why you're weak and you got emotional problems
[01:08:02] I think doesn't have those. Yeah, you don't go lift weights all the time
[01:08:09] Just scream. I don't have morning angry dude. Sometimes I scream. I put my headphones in and I fucking scream
[01:08:15] Yeah, I don't give a shit. I'll be that guy. What do you listen to in the bathroom before he even lifts?
[01:08:19] Uh single ladies is what I was listening all my single ladies be on say. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's cool
[01:08:26] Yeah suck my dick lick my balls. Hey spread my cheek
[01:08:30] apart we'd said that thing about that tiny little guy. That's a good one man. That was I think
[01:08:36] Probably one of the best. I feel like it then you should have sucked my father's dick. Oh fuck. Okay. I gotta go throw bats. Okay. Well, uh, well that about does it for us
[01:08:44] Funny mom's tomorrow. Funny mom's tomorrow. Uh, Ronnie chain canceled. Tim Dylan will probably cancel
[01:08:49] But as of now he is on there. So we got Tim claro cane
[01:08:54] Couple other funny fucking comics if you are in Seattle and Portland
[01:08:58] Thank you to everyone the cane of fucking road on that shit rocked my cock off
[01:09:02] Um shots out to the come boys that came through
[01:09:04] Um adam, can you answer this? I think it's uh, I think it's uh, our our guests for the next one
[01:09:11] And come come to see me in motherfucking Seattle laughs
[01:09:14] Uh in motherfucking Thursday. I believe the 28th and then adam's got my phone. I'm just doing this off top and then portland
[01:09:22] Thank you everyone my mind feels nice. It's just us. I could end the episode, but it's you know
[01:09:28] It feels good to get some fucking private time guys
[01:09:31] Just me and I want I want you guys to know
[01:09:34] I respect you and I love you. Okay, and whatever you do
[01:09:38] Just do it 100 motherfucking percent, you know, that's come that's that's the stopy positivity corner
[01:09:45] So I hope everyone gets their dick sucked and their pussy is absolutely fucking blown blown out
[01:09:52] Thank you for listening everyone. That's our show
[01:09:55] Goodbye nik. Do you want to say goodbye?