Cum Town | Premium | 11/14/2016
[00:00:00] here's what we're going to do it our issue for your style what he does he
[00:00:03] starts recording his podcast he doesn't tell you
[00:00:07] but then he starts the episode when it gets funny
[00:00:10] yeah so he waits until funny shit's happening and then he gets it there
[00:00:14] but i'm not one of these like uh... work doing kind of guys
[00:00:18] so this is all the podcast yeah so it's already started so i'm listening right
[00:00:24] now i just said there's a lot of less funny than this stuff yeah
[00:00:31] we're placing with a much funnier jew yes and morell is here
[00:00:36] yeah you guys here's what i think about the ad of that everyone yeah
[00:00:45] we just very early and he really stunk it up on the last episode i just
[00:00:49] look to your shirt and i realize you're wearing the same shirt from last night
[00:00:55] that's interesting because i've been wearing the same shirt for probably seven
[00:01:05] you got martha's been you got your little sea captain had yeah dude i'm uh...
[00:01:14] the down syndrome election would possess them to write that song
[00:01:18] i'm a motherfucking this may be about boat dudes
[00:01:21] so i'm gonna imagine a boat dude is he from long island yeah you know he's
[00:01:32] he's port he's port or like twenty years
[00:01:44] probably yeah i know he probably wrote the soundtrack for some disney movie
[00:01:48] you know is this new movie so it's like uh... house fans by disney they just
[00:01:59] think is that like contributed to that any of the
[00:02:03] and murdering someone so how so it's like the front page of the post
[00:02:07] for like a year to have a new and i used to play ball with that guy is always
[00:02:12] but guess he's not that nice he strangled someone at that and i've got
[00:02:16] that's crazy do you think i was always inside of him or maybe like flipped
[00:02:19] i was one of that like what if i murder somebody someday and then i'm like
[00:02:23] i have a shit i guess i was always that guy
[00:02:26] i guess you just yeah i guess you just don't know
[00:02:30] i think it could happen anybody like something happens and then you get pissed
[00:02:40] woodland creatures work your way up to you until you're you know comfortable
[00:02:44] you start like a bunny rabbit and then the whole deer and that's not
[00:02:48] everybody because a lot of these friends like files a lot of people you
[00:02:50] show how many people just kill for money
[00:02:52] yeah it's like that and it's like by the way no one ever dot if you fall down the
[00:03:04] and it's like it's like that can't believe they think they're gonna get away
[00:03:06] with it there's always like only to get a life insurance policy two weeks ago
[00:03:13] he went to the gun store and the insurance
[00:03:17] and then our grandma had eighteen shots in the back of her head you say who falls
[00:03:21] down the stairs and that literally happened in my grandmother's friend
[00:03:24] really her lifelong friend she went to nursing school with her in the forties
[00:03:27] they've known each other what was there's a school
[00:03:29] the back that it was just like i don't know how to like keep land bandaids away
[00:03:36] is make sure they don't get their hands on
[00:03:43] back then they reuse bandaids yeah those were black people and and after what
[00:03:47] people got to go yeah you got you sent them to the uh... but yet no she had
[00:03:53] her whole life is her best friend and her best friend was over like visiting at
[00:03:57] and she'd go upstairs to like go to the bathroom or something
[00:04:00] and so she's going up the stairs and like just misses her grasp and she's like
[00:04:05] in front of my grandma falls backwards and just
[00:04:10] in front of her yeah blood pouring out of her head holy shh
[00:04:14] i was about to make a joke and he said uh...
[00:04:16] blood pouring out of my grandma luckily doesn't listen to com town
[00:04:22] oh yeah it was a fucking nightmare that's awful yeah like she was in the hospital
[00:04:26] and then the family was like kind of blaming my grandma and grandpa she
[00:04:31] uh they're like you just couldn't give up those damn bananas
[00:04:35] 87 years old you don't need to eat those bananas all day long
[00:04:38] uh... have you guys ever seen someone actually slipping open a peel it's one
[00:04:42] of the funniest things on earth i don't think i should have witnessed it it was
[00:04:45] the best thing i saw a guy i was doing that but that's the high at show
[00:04:49] that kurt shackle for joe me and joe robinson around the lobby talking
[00:04:53] and uh there's like this guy who's like he's like a big dude he's a middle-aged
[00:04:58] dude he's probably like six three like you know three hundred some pounds
[00:05:05] oh kind of noise and uh me and joe look over and they have these like
[00:05:10] marble stairs with like an edge like this like a fucking 90 degree edge on each
[00:05:15] step and i look over and this guy's just faced down it looks like he's laying
[00:05:18] on the stairs and it takes a second we're like what the
[00:05:21] fuck and then we realize he just tripped and went directly
[00:05:25] so i run over to him and like you know i'm like you know i'm like sir are you
[00:05:29] okay and he's just out cold holy shit responsive
[00:05:32] and i you know i hold his head and like you know go to roll him over i'm
[00:05:35] making sure his neck doesn't shift at all you know like i know what the fuck i'm
[00:05:38] doing but it is kind of good that is like the classic comedy
[00:05:41] of the guy's too fat to pull over yeah well i i started lifting him and as i
[00:05:46] it's almost like someone like you know uh peeling duct tape off something you
[00:05:50] just hear his the skin oh it's awful peeling off the step
[00:05:54] uh it's like deep groove and blood just starts pouring out i'm like okay
[00:05:58] well you know i just like place him back place him back and as i'm like placing him
[00:06:02] back he like comes to and he's like you know because he's making the sound a
[00:06:05] guy makes when he's knocked the fuck out which is that like
[00:06:09] you know where their breathing's all fucked up and then he comes to and
[00:06:12] he's like you know he doesn't know where he is and shit i'm like you know what
[00:06:15] day it is you know blah blah blah and he'd like ask his name and
[00:06:19] paramedics came and shit but it was fucking like yes
[00:06:22] it was frightening to see that i saw i saw a crazy one once this is
[00:06:25] insane i was like uh walking just in New York City i was in sixth grade
[00:06:30] walking down the street to get on the bus and an old lady jumps out of a building
[00:06:35] and lands probably five feet in front of me and
[00:06:37] flat dead and it was like that made me think of it
[00:06:40] because she just like your mind plays through you that's a way better
[00:06:44] story just the idea like they're just flat she
[00:06:48] was flat down i saw a guy that needed four
[00:06:51] stitches and then like had ice cream later that night yeah well it's like you
[00:06:56] think you're in like a on like a movie set your brain's like protecting
[00:06:59] from the trauma so i was just like oh i'm in like punked yeah that was a popular
[00:07:02] show when i was in sixth grade yeah i was still a popular show
[00:07:05] it's great so she just fucking did she like explode or
[00:07:08] what she was that was so fucked up but she just like
[00:07:11] it was like splat and you just and you heard like the and and she was not
[00:07:15] instantly dead i know she was like she was like oh
[00:07:18] and i was like uh shit so someone someone got her a blanket and i was like i don't
[00:07:22] think that's gonna do it i don't think the blanket's gonna do it
[00:07:24] but uh and then what happens is a bunch of clowns came
[00:07:27] in one of those tiny ambulances when they get the stretcher out and then
[00:07:32] they put the stretcher upside down they get tied up in the stretch well i remember
[00:07:35] being though this is the worst part of it i remember being like i was
[00:07:38] young i was a little traumatized of course i remember
[00:07:41] calling a friend of mine and his mom was kind of crazy and i was like i'll talk
[00:07:45] to him it'll make me feel better and i called him and she picked up and he
[00:07:49] wasn't home and she just talked for like 20 minutes right she was like one of
[00:07:51] those self-involved like oh yeah she was like she was like
[00:07:55] and then uh then martin did this and then we did this
[00:07:59] and then i was like she's like how was your day it was like 20 minutes in the
[00:08:02] conversation i was like i just saw someone die and she's like
[00:08:05] all right well Ellie will be back shortly oh my god dude it was like no
[00:08:09] no sympathy that's insane i remember i remember one time uh
[00:08:13] i used to go i used to hang out at my friend's house after school when i was
[00:08:16] in like junior high or whatever and my mom worked at like a daycare center so
[00:08:20] she'd be at you know work till like 7 p.m. you know i just
[00:08:23] wouldn't see her wouldn't hear from her and uh it was just like abnormal to
[00:08:28] hear from my mom like in the afternoon and i was over at my friend's house one
[00:08:31] time and my my mom calls like you know my friend's mom is like yeah your mom's
[00:08:35] on the phone and i like pick up the phone i'm like hey what's up and she's like
[00:08:39] uh i need you to meet me at home right now and i'm like why what's up you know
[00:08:44] i'm not worried that i'm in trap like my first thought is like she found the
[00:08:47] pornography on the computer i'm going to jail
[00:08:51] i'm born a good run yeah i got that scene in below she's like i just
[00:08:55] said you come home now and i was like why can't you tell me what's about she's
[00:08:58] like just come home and so i hang up the phone and i'm like
[00:09:01] consulting with my friends i'm like oh my god
[00:09:03] fuck dude she found this got to be porn on there like she found porn on my
[00:09:07] computer i'm like fuck it's like she knows i'm masturbating which is
[00:09:11] illegal you know i'm never gonna be allowed to jack off again
[00:09:15] you know i'm like so worried about it i'm like sick with work is like why the
[00:09:18] fuck is my mom home from work you know like now i'm like fuck
[00:09:22] and then i get there and she's in tears and i'm like oh this is gonna be so bad
[00:09:26] and she's like um Erica was driving home and uh she was
[00:09:32] t-boned by a truck and she's dead and Erica was this like you know uh 19
[00:09:37] year old woman that like worked at the day care center she worked at he was
[00:09:40] always like super cool to me and uh and like i was legitimately sad about it
[00:09:45] afterwards but at the time i was like thank god
[00:09:51] if i hit you and i was like so much relief i was like
[00:09:57] oh my god my Erica got tea bagged by a car
[00:10:01] tea mala she's dead yeah yeah okay yeah yeah
[00:10:05] thank god my mom didn't find those pictures of sable
[00:10:08] topless oh she was great i'm wdavis yeah i used to beat off to a new grounds
[00:10:14] game where you could like put clothes on britney spears it was like this britney
[00:10:18] spears nude and you could drag club you could drag the underwear off and then
[00:10:22] you could beat off to it the britney spears fakes were great i loved where
[00:10:25] she's like smiling so big and she's like some guy with a 14 inch diggus
[00:10:29] fucking her head shot like her fucking promotional
[00:10:34] the fakest porn ever i love those dude like the fake
[00:10:38] sir michael geller shit she had like massive tits with her face and they're like
[00:10:41] all right fakuses fake i'm waiting for them so easy to beat off as a child dude
[00:10:46] yeah especially the guys that make fakes and then they make like the shitty fakes
[00:10:49] and they put their like watermark on the bottom
[00:10:52] this like brian's news dot geocities dot com check me out guys i had when i was in
[00:10:59] uh sixth grade i had a porno magazine that i made and distributed to my
[00:11:05] to my school i i it's really true it was called play amigo magazine
[00:11:10] and uh friend and i is 100% sure it's called play amigo it was a great run
[00:11:15] won't last it no you know what happened we it was my friend sounds like a
[00:11:19] we game you like interact with some five-year-old hispanic boy
[00:11:23] let's play amigo teach him how to read great it was like dora for boys it'd be
[00:11:28] like six pages and it would just be me finding websites
[00:11:32] of like that type of shit and then just printing it on my dad's printer
[00:11:36] color pages i was using his money that was so much ink yeah so much
[00:11:41] and i would sell it for like six bucks an issue
[00:11:44] and there was a couple kids that would buy every issue
[00:11:47] and i got busted by by like i had a very
[00:11:51] gay teacher named mr. Jones who passed away he was a great guy yeah yeah
[00:11:55] i remember he was uh he he found the porn one day
[00:11:58] and he was like i'll just say it was laundry he was such a he was such a good
[00:12:03] sport and so i so we never got taken down i just kind of
[00:12:07] walked away from me i remember someone's brother got caught like looking
[00:12:10] important because he was doing the same thing where he printed out the pictures
[00:12:12] and like the printer ran out of ink well he's printing out porn so he's just
[00:12:16] like forgot about it and then his mom like replaced the ink in the printer and
[00:12:22] just like a woman's pussy just the vibe of that oh good lord yeah
[00:12:29] oh we got a virus mom yeah and you know it's funny you think like oh well
[00:12:33] adults know all what that is but like people didn't really like suck dick
[00:12:37] or eat pussy until like the 80s or 9 i'm serious i'm not even
[00:12:42] sucked and fucked dude no they didn't suck dick no it is true
[00:12:46] hell yeah and like the 50s i mean if you go back to the 50s
[00:12:49] that was like no they were sucking it they were
[00:12:51] sucking it dude the whole kenzie thing come on that was
[00:12:54] later that was in the 60s i was doing like free love and stuff like 50 like
[00:12:57] older older yeah i guarantee your grandparent like old greek orgies and stuff
[00:13:02] like three three hundred eight three hundred years ago but i'm talking about
[00:13:05] an american culture and like conservative america and like the first half of like
[00:13:09] your grandparents your your grandparent your granddad probably never
[00:13:13] got put his dick in your grandmother's mouth maybe
[00:13:15] when he was in the war i don't believe no maybe when he was in the war
[00:13:19] over you know c's and he you know got sucked off by somebody over there but
[00:13:22] like you know you don't fuck you don't put your dick in your
[00:13:24] white mouth that was like that i in lovers lane when they're
[00:13:27] fucking necking they get a malt and then they go
[00:13:30] fucking over an overpass and they're fucking those people that make it
[00:13:33] out yeah you don't think they're getting their dick sucked uh-huh
[00:13:36] that's a nat you beaten you definitely beaten getting beaten off
[00:13:39] no what yeah i think i'd have bored them back then yeah
[00:13:43] at least tried i think dude they're beating they're getting beaten off
[00:13:45] dude nope well we'll have to table this is only p and v
[00:13:50] just no dude they're in t-birds you don't think they're getting sucked off in a
[00:13:54] t-bird now you're gonna fucking those little cars dude
[00:13:57] they're not getting sucked off i'm telling you conservative 50s america look i've
[00:14:00] read every one of billariley's books he talks about it he said i've never
[00:14:05] fought and it's because of the culture it has nothing to do with me
[00:14:08] um i wanted to fucking we'll have to i'm going to do some historical research
[00:14:13] i feel like i've seen porn from like black and white porn yeah of course
[00:14:17] obviously people that produce porn were doing that but i mean like
[00:14:20] contemporary okay we're going to fall down i didn't i'm not saying they
[00:14:24] blow jobs didn't exist right i'm saying like the average american
[00:14:27] wasn't the norm yeah and average like the same way that most people don't
[00:14:31] fuck their wife in the ass these days what i mean everybody fucks in the ass i'm
[00:14:36] not a big anal sex guy yeah i'll throw it off you know
[00:14:38] this is one of the like how about it's like pissing on your girlfriend's face
[00:14:42] uh okay that i that i like yeah i didn't want you to run into
[00:14:46] a matter i've done it i've done it you know but i mean is it a thing that
[00:14:50] happens all the time no yeah you know okay well i want it the one thing i want
[00:14:55] to talk about more about getting caught beating off
[00:14:58] because i had uh i had a fucking because my mom i i grew up in this utopia
[00:15:03] where my fucking immigrant parents didn't use computers so i was going
[00:15:07] fucking crazy dude i was like beating off to the strangest shit
[00:15:11] and the first thing my mom found was the first time she learned
[00:15:16] fucking computers i was on some vile shit i just got a call for my mom and she
[00:15:21] was like samwan was on crackhor confessions.com
[00:15:26] i was like what are these crackhors i was like oh i don't know mama
[00:15:31] i'm probably nick and george just throw my little brothers under the
[00:15:34] bus yeah it was just like oh i was i thought that happened to me i was
[00:15:38] like uh me and my friends are going to the pool and my friend zach stepdad is
[00:15:41] like so uh nick what's up with these playboy magazines
[00:15:46] i was like excuse me and he was like all these playboy and then zach's like oh
[00:15:50] yeah those are mine and i was like what the fuck and he's like
[00:15:54] oh zach you piece of shit he played me yeah yeah it was my fault
[00:15:59] luckily he copped to it last minute but yeah that's uh i was fucking i was
[00:16:03] beating off to some vial shit dude limewide you ever beat off the line
[00:16:05] why it was a fucking risk i still you at least now you have the thumbnail and
[00:16:09] you know what you're going into those you spent like 30 minutes downloading
[00:16:12] and then skydin or what it's gonna be yeah i used to i used to download a
[00:16:16] still from the movie swordfish hallyberry
[00:16:19] class of nanny and japan's house i used to download that we were shocking that she
[00:16:22] did that i would download it beat off to it delete it
[00:16:26] and then an hour later like downloaded it yeah
[00:16:29] like a real hacker when you're doing that it's like yeah it was like the movie
[00:16:32] sword yeah that's what that movie is about it's about hacking while you get your
[00:16:35] dicks on that's that's literally yeah i like that he
[00:16:39] like he has trouble hacking while the blowjob is going on
[00:16:42] yeah that's all that's the only scene i remember and the whole time you're
[00:16:44] jacking off you're like david justice didn't nobody had
[00:16:48] didn't know how lucky what yeah i liked uh yeah she was in the rotation for
[00:16:52] sure uh trying to think who else made like a
[00:16:54] specific picture of salahayak with only one
[00:16:57] tit out wow you guys ever see that one no no that
[00:17:00] was might have been a fake but it was a very good fake salahayak was a big
[00:17:03] she was she was big the industrial dawn was huge i see we go off a lot to uh
[00:17:08] miss september 1980 really yeah i did like the old like you would come across
[00:17:13] like a 1960s and they just had the like cone titties
[00:17:17] with like giant nipples some about that you don't see that anymore maybe the
[00:17:21] bras were not a fan forming them that way i like it was like a fun
[00:17:26] and you'll set some very very is a shitty old comic in austin one time i go into
[00:17:30] the velveter room and he's just drunk and he's like he's like an austin stapled
[00:17:34] this guy like karaon everyone loves him i don't know why i'm
[00:17:37] shitting on him but it was very much a thing we're like for
[00:17:41] 45 years he was the only comedian in austin right so it's like how funny is
[00:17:46] this guy you know he's not really right right right and he's just drunk and he's
[00:17:49] in the velveter room and he's like you know back then the girls they just had
[00:17:54] these big old pair just just like torpedo shaped
[00:17:57] tips he's big old titties and torpedo ship like the fins on a on a big old
[00:18:02] Cadillac these big old tips and you could see them and then the bra be swinging
[00:18:07] in the wind these big old titties and it's like
[00:18:09] what the fuck are you talking you fucking retarded old man
[00:18:14] this is the shit you beat off to 400 years ago
[00:18:17] you know is that a punchline coming you're just drunk oh that was him on stage
[00:18:21] yeah this is him on stage i thought he was making conversation
[00:18:24] ladies and gentlemen the pride of austin just has a stroke up there
[00:18:28] yeah yeah no there's this other guy art uh there's all these guys from the 80s
[00:18:32] back again when nobody nobody was doing comedy yeah
[00:18:35] and so you know watch it and you're like oh yeah and all these guys were friends
[00:18:38] with bill hicks because you know he was around back then right
[00:18:42] uh it sounded like him yeah there was this guy they're like
[00:18:44] they're devil kennison's great kennison's innocent latte the hell is one of the
[00:18:48] best album ever i love kennison i'm not even so many people
[00:18:51] still yeah i'm not even talking about the lower level
[00:18:54] guys i'm not even at the people that were fuck legitimate like open mikers that
[00:18:57] wouldn't last at six months if they started now
[00:19:00] right um who populated the scene there is this guy art mac that i guess had been
[00:19:04] around forever and uh brison was just waiting in the
[00:19:08] foyer of the valvita room one time and uh art like stands there next to him
[00:19:14] and you know they're just standing there next to each other awkwardly and
[00:19:17] brison's not going to start conversation with him because he's you know they
[00:19:19] really know the guy and like art's like waiting for something to say
[00:19:23] and they stand there for like 20 seconds and then art looks around he goes
[00:19:27] used to be girls who came here to fuck the comics
[00:19:31] and then he gets nothing on that just leaves
[00:19:37] because he thought he was really gonna bro down with it yeah yeah
[00:19:40] bomber fuck it would be nice if more women just explicitly came to fuck
[00:19:44] comics yeah fucking got laid last night yeah that's true that literally did
[00:19:48] happen she literally walked up to you and said do you
[00:19:50] want to come home with me and i was like yeah that was it was uh yeah i was
[00:19:55] that's true but maybe more of that yeah if it could happen literally every time
[00:20:01] it's a good time to be a comedian yeah we're gonna take calm down on the road
[00:20:04] and if you want to fuck stavros yeah pay me uh well you give him the money but
[00:20:12] you're fucking just turning me out dude man oh i can't wait to fuck this girl
[00:20:18] i just go in his like four dudes yeah i'm gonna fuck stav i'm just getting a
[00:20:23] manicure with him in the same room though what i tell you is to
[00:20:27] nap on your mouth is like yeah don't do anything yeah he's my little little
[00:20:31] piggy pie don't fuck him up now i gotta sell that ass
[00:20:36] all week baby dad and need his toenails
[00:20:42] oh it's like the scene in deliverance you're just coming and saving with an arrow
[00:20:48] how the fuck dumb is that scene oh the worst fuck we could probably pimp out at him
[00:20:54] for real though just a cute little twink yeah oh yeah is your fill
[00:20:57] handling yeah he is our friendly nice little twink um yeah we're in dc is a
[00:21:02] road episode that's why adam's not here we didn't really kick him off the podcast
[00:21:07] now we haven't made fun he's back home uh you know just experiencing you know
[00:21:11] dating life in new york wow that's crazy it's so hard wow these girls you have to
[00:21:16] interact with yes some beautiful woman with a septum piercing and double tea
[00:21:20] titties he's asking adam to hog tie her right now and he's gonna find a way to
[00:21:24] talk and complain about it when we get home i don't know how to do this
[00:21:29] oh you fucking asshole shut the fuck up you guys got the good recipe for a hit
[00:21:34] podcast you got you guys got the good dynamic and then you got the guy you
[00:21:37] hate that's all you need yeah we did you know i was explaining to someone we
[00:21:41] did kind of the reverse carl pilkington thing what you do is you have
[00:21:44] you normally a good podcast is you get two guys that are smart and then a dumb
[00:21:48] guy to beat up on but we did the reverse we got two dumb guys and we make him
[00:21:51] funny ever being some kind of book reading faggot yeah
[00:21:54] whenever you start saying facts we call it gay that's what we do
[00:21:57] it's just like a s look to basketball on him shut up
[00:22:02] and that's what people really want dude that's what got trump in office which i
[00:22:06] cannot be more happy about yeah totally flip for post i didn't vote for him
[00:22:10] but i am happy one yeah which is the best you know yeah we want to be good
[00:22:15] happens and you didn't have to do any work for it
[00:22:18] i was furious for tuesday and then i woke up and i'm like yeah it's gonna be all
[00:22:22] right yeah i mean i was like i was blackout drunk also and that is not a
[00:22:26] good thing for when something unexpected happens well my girlfriend the last
[00:22:29] week has been like oh well what if i have to get an abortion it's like
[00:22:33] you'll be fine we live in new york city we have a staircase it's gonna be okay
[00:22:37] yeah i've been working on my stomach punches recently yeah
[00:22:40] you know i know karate karate it's illegal actually for me to not know
[00:22:47] karate now now that steven seagulls secretary of defense just
[00:22:51] rin russia yeah he's a swabian citizenship too does he yeah really how many
[00:22:56] citizenship is that guy everywhere but the united states
[00:22:59] japan serbia serbia seems like a rough place to live i know uh we've lived
[00:23:04] there that's another guy that uh is gonna be on the podcast who is a
[00:23:09] literal nazi is a gigantic swastika tattoo on his
[00:23:13] really i'm glad that we were on together yeah
[00:23:16] well i want to have mom with adam i think it would be a funny bit to like
[00:23:19] just constantly apologize for adam speaking
[00:23:27] we invited this nazi yeah weaves a guy that was like
[00:23:31] he was he was like uh you know he's been a troll on the internet for like a
[00:23:35] a decade or long that like 15 years but back when like the internet was like
[00:23:39] kind of new he was like a guy that was actually
[00:23:43] getting some you know notoriety for being a troll
[00:23:46] and he'd like fucking lie to the new york times and shit and they would print this
[00:23:49] kind of stuff and you know things that he said they were just lies
[00:23:53] and uh he was a guy that like had no problem like calling in bomb threats to
[00:23:56] the fbi or whatever when they show up at his house he's like i don't know what
[00:23:59] you're talking about then gives him like a fake name and then they just arrest
[00:24:02] him for that just didn't care he's like never cared
[00:24:06] so like he is he is legitimately a nazi now but
[00:24:10] it's also like if you've been aware of him long enough it's like i don't think
[00:24:13] he's legitimately anything because he's constantly you know two years ago he was
[00:24:17] a mormon he was like 100 percent of a mormon i
[00:24:20] i don't think that's a big right turn yeah what he's like he's like i don't see
[00:24:24] how you can read the bible and not think that jesus and socrates were the
[00:24:27] ultimate trolls and the invented troll he like he has all these bizarre you know
[00:24:31] right i mean there's no line between so you can't tell when the irony starts
[00:24:35] with him so even for him to go to the extent of having a swastika tattoo on
[00:24:39] his chest i think a part of him is like yeah it's funny
[00:24:42] yeah it's the biggest troll yeah he just doesn't
[00:24:45] uh but he he was in 2007 or 2008 when the ipad came out whenever the ipad
[00:24:53] came out uh at the at the launch the ipad
[00:24:57] and uh the way it worked is you buy it at like the atnt store and then you go home
[00:25:01] turn on the ipad when you turned it on it would go to
[00:25:05] uh atnt's website and the serial number of the ipad
[00:25:09] that you bought was sent to atnt's website through a hidden form
[00:25:13] on the website and then that's how it downloaded all your contact information
[00:25:16] right now the forms hidden but it still exists in like you know the
[00:25:20] post-data sense of the server so some guy like saw that and like just wrote a
[00:25:25] quick script that runs because all the serial numbers for ipads were
[00:25:28] sequential just this is the guy no this is a different guy
[00:25:31] the this guy wrote a uh script that you know it uh just runs every
[00:25:35] sequential serial number for the ipads and pulled the entire atnt customer
[00:25:39] data on the website and they notified they notified it's not bad it's just
[00:25:44] me it's a flaw that atnt left open on the website
[00:25:46] that right yeah i'd debatable and this isn't we've this is the other guy that
[00:25:50] found right right so they know the debatable they
[00:25:52] the hacker though uh because i don't i mean yeah he's a hacker but is that
[00:25:57] illegal is that's the question it stole their information it would be like
[00:26:02] if i if you walk past a house and uh somebody you know had their social
[00:26:07] security number in the window of the house and you said hey the social your
[00:26:11] social security numbers just displayed in that pretty creative script to
[00:26:14] to hack it though it's not like it's not hacking it because he's not breaking
[00:26:18] the system the system was already fucked up if you could put anything in but
[00:26:21] no it's not like just say anyway what do you what's the story it doesn't
[00:26:24] matter yeah yeah yeah yeah i i'd like the u.s. court of appeals overturned the
[00:26:28] decision that it was hacking it is hacking it's not
[00:26:31] oh what so what's the what's the vacated the judgment okay or whatever so the
[00:26:35] story is is the guy that found it he tried to notify atnt at and he blew him
[00:26:40] off and then he went to weave to publicize it we've publicized it we've got
[00:26:43] arrested and we spent two years in prison holy shit really yeah
[00:26:47] well the federal government already hated him right you know but um so they just
[00:26:51] got an excuse to put him away so he was waiting for trial yeah
[00:26:54] to pwned on taxes he was waiting for trial you don't have a lot of options in
[00:26:57] prison you kind of got to join that area in brotherhood yeah yeah so he uh he
[00:27:03] was waiting you know waiting trial and he became this like occupy
[00:27:07] you know poster boy because the electronic frontier foundation was like
[00:27:10] you know in his corner and all these occupy people were in his corner and
[00:27:14] it was so funny to me having like known all the fucked up shit we've
[00:27:16] done in the prior to see like occupy people being like yeah this guy's
[00:27:21] like you know he's like a good guy's like a hacker or whatever and it's like yeah
[00:27:24] no that's not the guy who's corner you want to be in
[00:27:29] and uh and yeah i don't know so i how much of an actual nazi he is i mean he
[00:27:35] is you know if you're saying that shit and people are believing it
[00:27:38] then i guess it doesn't matter whether he's just a funny sentence how much of an
[00:27:41] actual nazi yeah are you a cash nazi yeah
[00:27:45] yeah it's like are you like a monday through thursday nazi yeah we can nazi
[00:27:49] warrior yeah so i don't know the debate at right when
[00:27:52] right before he got this was to get tattoo the debate was like is
[00:27:57] really not here yeah it's a big commitment yeah
[00:28:01] uh that is the ultimate trolls and not but you know he like i still you got to
[00:28:05] go to a special place to get that tattoo i still think he's so fucking funny
[00:28:10] that like i i clicked on his website he's like a live journal which i
[00:28:14] haven't read in in a while and uh the first art like you know it's all
[00:28:18] these articles he's written about white supremacy
[00:28:20] and then the first article i see is like it just starts and it's like it was
[00:28:24] 2011 was the first year i became a believer or a believer
[00:28:27] Justin Bieber has to be one of the greatest recording artists of our
[00:28:30] generation it's like pretty interesting about why he looked like legitimately
[00:28:34] loves Justin Bieber and he lays out like explains why he's great and it's like
[00:28:40] that's fun it's funny it's so funny because it's just supposed to solve this
[00:28:43] like nazi hate speech and i'm like that is legitimately hilarious yeah
[00:28:49] he's also too weave is like five foot two he's harmless you know as like a
[00:28:53] physical thing so it's you take it all it has guns he is a literal troll
[00:28:59] yeah he's quite literally a fucking troll
[00:29:02] uh yeah sam hide same thing he is sam hides like an alt right guy now or
[00:29:08] whatever yeah uh he's gotten like you know i mean he's like
[00:29:12] that's been pretty solidified throughout the science campaign for sure but i
[00:29:15] also think sam hide is like one of the funniest people pretty funny yeah
[00:29:19] but it's i don't know yeah it's hard when you know that that's the
[00:29:23] fuck it that that's i don't know what his intentions are like
[00:29:28] those shit when when he's mocking women in this shit and it's like oh well he's
[00:29:32] just like a fucking absurd crazy dude it's like all right whatever but then
[00:29:35] when you know like oh he probably like hates women
[00:29:39] there's like a different it adds a little bite when you know where the
[00:29:42] what his fucking like i'm specifically there's one million dollar extreme
[00:29:46] sketch where it's like um he's just mocking some woman for wanting to
[00:29:50] like date a successful man because she hasn't worked on herself or something
[00:29:54] just making this they're just bullying these women who have no idea and they're
[00:29:57] real women it's not like a sketch what do that the wall sketch yeah where it's
[00:30:00] like a fake dating show and he's just like bullying a woman the million
[00:30:04] dollar stream share world piece on adult swim i don't know yeah it's just like
[00:30:08] these guys uh million dollar stream so they're from you know they were always
[00:30:12] like these weird funny internet dude like a four-chan sketch group
[00:30:17] and uh and like that informed their sense of humor and then their output is
[00:30:21] also like you know in line with uh that kind of stuff but
[00:30:25] like uh sam got popular like at least what you could call mainstream popularity
[00:30:30] and regard they're like with regards to the other stuff that he does
[00:30:34] and when a couple of years ago he like lied his way into like a TEDx talk
[00:30:38] and he like drove to Drexel University and this like bizarre speech he did
[00:30:41] wearing like children's like uh halloween costume armor yeah it was
[00:30:46] really funny it's really fucking funny um faked a whole and these people were
[00:30:50] asking him questions he said nothing yeah like everything was just like
[00:30:54] double-speaking like yeah it was all like we got to get to africa to teach
[00:30:57] these kids javascript people were like what are you talking
[00:31:01] the questions were literally like what was the point of yes yeah yeah it was
[00:31:05] great he starts like making himself laugh while he's doing it
[00:31:07] and he just sort of turns away and like just starts slapping his own face
[00:31:11] it's really funny but uh yeah no he's also like an alt-right guy
[00:31:15] I guess yeah okay anyway um we are in dc uh and comb of the alt-right
[00:31:22] home with the alt-right now um does anybody you know i feel like do we have
[00:31:26] any funny dc fuck stories you know Nick you had a pretty good one
[00:31:30] uh the last time you were here we were talking about it in the car
[00:31:33] oh i guess yeah i guess yeah i was here a couple years ago and i was on i was
[00:31:38] like was just trying to find a place to stay using tinder
[00:31:42] and then we're trying to fuck for shelter yeah no i changed my tinder bio to say
[00:31:46] that and then some girl was like oh yeah i'm fine with that or whatever
[00:31:50] and then we met up in the middle of the day and she's like well we can't really
[00:31:52] go to my apartment i'm like you know i don't have a place
[00:31:54] yeah i'm like made that clear and then yeah we end up barely spoke english
[00:32:00] really she spoke english oh she was chinese she spoke english
[00:32:05] yeah she was all right and we ended up fucking in the woods uh next to rock
[00:32:10] root parkway not even yeah that didn't even solve your problem
[00:32:13] yeah no i didn't yeah so i go on the side of the road
[00:32:17] like two o'clock in the afternoon i showed up to the improv he like
[00:32:28] his hand and his jeans you had to borrow jeans yeah why the borrow i had to borrow
[00:32:32] jeans for the next show the next night because i i got to the club and i
[00:32:35] forgot i was wearing basketball shorts i'm like oh fuck
[00:32:39] and i had to borrow uh Tito Garza's pants
[00:32:41] you know just come and watch the show yeah
[00:32:45] so you just sit there without pants on what is the crowd yeah because i had to
[00:32:49] borrow his pants to wear on stage oh man
[00:32:53] well that's a good friend yeah you know came through it's a good dude
[00:32:57] yeah have you ever had any funny fuck stories here sam have you become
[00:33:00] have you become a dc i've been here a few times i'm trying to
[00:33:03] think you know and open it up geographically if you have any good ones
[00:33:08] a good fuck story well this one's bad i probably shouldn't say
[00:33:14] i will good fuck story i'm recent no it doesn't have to be recent you can be
[00:33:19] a classic it'll be classic samoril fuck story
[00:33:23] well one the worst one i've actually talked that you've heard this one
[00:33:28] before but it's a fun one for your for your come town for the
[00:33:32] come boys yeah yeah yeah one of the worst ones is uh
[00:33:36] i was i met this really cute girl online
[00:33:40] and oh yes yeah you know it's terrible uh and
[00:33:45] we had a good date and then i made out with her and that was kind of
[00:33:49] it i never heard from her again i thought nothing of it and then one day she
[00:33:52] just text me uh where are you and i was like i'm an union square
[00:33:57] with my parents yeah what do you up to and she's like i want to see you and i
[00:34:00] want to get freaky with you and i was like all right
[00:34:03] so you hadn't heard from her for like a couple months it was a Friday
[00:34:07] afternoon and everything about it was a little shady like yeah yeah i felt
[00:34:12] like it didn't seem right and then i called i called her to make sure it was
[00:34:17] her because did that part of your brain where like it's some someone's trying to
[00:34:19] rob me this is too good to be true and i called and she's like it's me
[00:34:23] i'm drunk i thought about it better we could work i want to fuck and i was like
[00:34:27] okay so i just i lied to my mom about an audition
[00:34:31] yeah that would really which really hurt a little bit
[00:34:34] just see your face again i would get him sam like yeah
[00:34:38] which an audition is still a kind of a shitty reason to like
[00:34:41] is it a living in your family i got i got i'm really hoping i get this
[00:34:45] reebok commercial it's more important than my love for you guys
[00:34:50] so i leave and i i remember like everything about it was a little fishy i
[00:34:54] remember uh i text rachel faunson like huzy address
[00:34:57] in case anything happens to me and i was just like you know you're
[00:35:00] walking into something bad because i was with rachel early that day and i was
[00:35:03] just like and she's like why do you have to do this and i was like well you know
[00:35:06] why i mean yeah but so but a woman doesn't understand
[00:35:09] that type of earth there's a lot of things women don't understand
[00:35:12] fucking the presidency you know math so uh
[00:35:18] everything except the space program which apparently
[00:35:20] they invented that was wsc's so i go over there i get off the train
[00:35:26] and uh it's like it's very it's a different apartment than when i
[00:35:30] drop through off but i don't think much of it because
[00:35:32] you know it's like it's new york people stop but it's like a luxury
[00:35:35] apartment at williamsburg i walk in i'm like let's have a drink down
[00:35:39] stairs and she's like no let's just let's just go upstairs i have
[00:35:42] scotch and i was like that's weird yeah so we go up
[00:35:46] not like there's just a couch and a ball of scotch and all there is in the
[00:35:49] apartment it's like it feels very pornographic so we start kind of making
[00:35:53] out a little bit she starts sucking my dick and
[00:35:56] i down a couple scotches and then she's like we should go to
[00:35:59] we should go to my bedroom so my roommate doesn't catch us and i was like all
[00:36:02] right and then she's like no i want him to catch us and i was like
[00:36:05] what yeah yeah that sounds like the opposite of what you just said
[00:36:08] yeah but she's like uh yeah i want and then we're like fine we go to
[00:36:12] the bedrooms god why don't i want to rush it's a guy yeah it's a guy roommate
[00:36:15] yeah i don't even know what basically he's been there the whole time
[00:36:18] i find that a second later because she's in her bedroom
[00:36:22] she thanks for pretending to be surprised but the stop knows this story
[00:36:25] because i've told it on stage before but uh
[00:36:29] so the door just swings open she's going down on me and it's like a
[00:36:32] scary looking guy jacked he's tatted up he's staring and i'm kind of like can i
[00:36:38] help you yeah i don't know what do you say right
[00:36:40] you're i'm still in her mouth yeah yeah yeah and he's like uh
[00:36:46] i was like well uh he's like we gonna do this and i was like uh what
[00:36:51] he's like are we gonna fuck her and i was like
[00:36:57] we just wanted to fuck her with you yeah that was that was their thing that was
[00:37:01] their thing apparently and i'm like terrified i'm kind of like i
[00:37:04] you know being confused hard is a fucking bad yeah to be scared while your
[00:37:09] heart is a bad feeling i feel like that's kind of what it feels like to be
[00:37:12] mentally disabled they are always hard yeah
[00:37:16] noticed this to be coming and scared at the same time
[00:37:24] where am i so i basically just you know i pulled my pants up and i was like all
[00:37:29] right well this has been real i was scared i was so weird i
[00:37:32] grabbed my backpack and i ran out and i remember
[00:37:34] walking through mccarron park and uh and my mom called to see how the
[00:37:38] audition went and i was like it was not good but uh and then i called
[00:37:42] Rachel and she was like what the fuck is wrong with you like why would you do
[00:37:46] that and i was like um but you know why yeah obvious but i have a
[00:37:50] credit absolutely yeah then i've been i mean it's not
[00:37:54] like you're gonna touch balls or whatever you might have
[00:37:56] no you just felt you felt so creepy like that's one of the things i did with
[00:38:01] like a guy from when i was like in like high school but it's not what you do
[00:38:04] when you're an adult and but the stranger it's scary yeah
[00:38:07] scared for your safety and the fact that they already lied to me
[00:38:10] and then also uh i don't know everything about it was
[00:38:13] fucking terrifying yeah absolutely i don't i don't think i
[00:38:17] would i don't know i've never fucked a girl with another dude it seems
[00:38:21] i feel like any audience is too much i just can't have anybody watching me
[00:38:25] fuck yeah i don't know have you ever if you were
[00:38:28] double-teamed anyone no never really yeah i feel like when you're fucking
[00:38:32] alcoholic days you might have just accidentally no
[00:38:35] no i mean if i did i don't remember yeah i don't i don't know i have a friend
[00:38:39] do i do it with like seventh grade people seventh grade people don't
[00:38:42] it they they confuse alcoholism and like a
[00:38:46] partying right not the same thing oh yeah i don't have any like cool
[00:38:51] stories when i was a fucking awful drunk right you just
[00:38:54] blacked out and yeah true of my car occasionally do something cool but it would
[00:38:58] be like by accident yeah yeah yeah yeah that's like with uh
[00:39:02] even with the school that's the power of being a beautiful woman is i remember
[00:39:06] i text her afterwards and i was like if you want to do that again but just us
[00:39:10] you know and she's like nah not really just you know
[00:39:13] just with the guy i was like all right well i don't know why you thought i would
[00:39:16] be into that like that's not something you just like can you imagine if i
[00:39:20] fucking did that to her oh my god if i just that's right
[00:39:23] if i just had a dude come in she would have a million dollar blogging career
[00:39:28] what if that was seedy dole have you ever seen seedy dole uh dude i'm like
[00:39:32] the guy that brought it a popularity okay yeah oh yeah
[00:39:35] she looks like no i don't know yeah that was maybe it was her who went to seedy's
[00:39:39] apartment and seedy mace would happen that was a hot age that was the
[00:39:43] top read down she uh yeah i what seedy's diving a meltdown
[00:39:49] oh yeah about what that's that's the one benefit of trump winning is that you
[00:39:52] get to just go read seedy's feed and oh yeah what you got going now these days
[00:39:57] uh the same shit yeah i mean you can that's the problem is that people like
[00:40:01] that focus their energy on me yeah yeah yeah there's bigger problems out
[00:40:05] there than joe she had she had a 24-hour meltdown
[00:40:08] because i've never interacted with her once
[00:40:10] ever yeah and then one time she made some dumb statement about i think it was
[00:40:14] like bernie bros or something or whatever and i just responded with a
[00:40:20] a picture of dr evil and then it just said right
[00:40:27] i was having like a an austin powers renaissance that week
[00:40:30] that was so funny every few years you have to well it became very funny to me
[00:40:34] again to make austin powers references you know in the same way that like borat
[00:40:39] references were ironically funny yeah like austin powers even funnier oh yeah
[00:40:44] yeah yeah baby so i see that especially if you can do it like at work if you're
[00:40:48] at work and you can just annoy someone all day
[00:40:52] yeah man then he go home and he's like did you won't fucking shut up
[00:40:56] about austin powers and this guy beating his wife because i kept saying mojo
[00:41:00] have you heard kalen quinn's story about how he turned down austin powers
[00:41:05] now this is all stories what's he supposed to be
[00:41:08] austin powers he was supposed to be scott he was supposed to be
[00:41:10] he was supposed to be segway dude it sounds crazy but there's
[00:41:14] an ad he was he was why he would have been amazing at it
[00:41:17] there's an episode of larry sanders where he plays ripped towards spoiled son
[00:41:21] named kully and it's every line is like he's like an intern for the larry
[00:41:25] sanders right just fucking everybody on set
[00:41:28] yeah and and gary shambling will be like hey can i get a uh can i get a
[00:41:31] mango sorbet and he's like oh yeah one a homo surprise coming right up
[00:41:35] look at dick and you say oh shit he would have that's why mike mire's probably
[00:41:39] like you have to do this i guess kalen just tells him i got my own shit i'm
[00:41:42] working on so right you know i would turn it down wasn't too old to
[00:41:46] please but that's part of the humor but is that he's like kind of
[00:41:49] that makes sense he's almost too old to be the son but he is just on
[00:41:52] yeah i get that um fuck that's so funny so you were saying the seedy doyl
[00:41:59] story oh yeah no yeah so i tweeted that right thing at her
[00:42:02] that one time i've told this story already i mean oh yeah fans of the show are
[00:42:06] familiar with it i guess uh so yeah she uh spent the next like 24 hours like
[00:42:10] tweeting at me like i knew your fucking friends with kurt matt skirt you know
[00:42:13] and then it was my kurt and then about how like you know kurt's a rapist and
[00:42:17] he's literally murdered you know uh i don't know if you know this but kurt
[00:42:20] murdered 37 women right i was i heard i can't believe he still
[00:42:24] gets work yeah yeah uh so she's going off that kurt then
[00:42:27] she's like tweeting at amy shumer because of me
[00:42:31] tweeting that one picture it's like i'm pretty sure amy does not check her
[00:42:35] twitter anymore amy does know she's got some shit amy's got some shit going on
[00:42:39] i don't know if she's heard about it yeah but uh i've never i've never even
[00:42:42] met amy amy doesn't know i am so and then you know
[00:42:45] everyone's like making fun of seedy for having a problem with me because like
[00:42:48] i've never interacted with her beyond that like right thing
[00:42:51] and i just keep posting that picture of of dr evil over and over again
[00:42:55] every and she just went for 48 hours just went nuts the thing is like yeah she
[00:43:01] did a thing she is a there's like a type of
[00:43:04] blogger that is just fueled by anger rather like that's their form of being
[00:43:09] entertained and it's it's not it's not fact like she just
[00:43:14] wanted to bait me i remember she emailed me
[00:43:17] originally i was like hey i saw you at the comedy seller and you act really
[00:43:21] stood out i'd love to interview you sometime and i just
[00:43:23] wrote i was like on the road i was like oh yeah sure
[00:43:25] why not and she wrote back a couple days later like
[00:43:28] pages of rape statistics because i told a rape joke oh my
[00:43:32] and uh and i was like oh this doesn't sound like an interview
[00:43:36] yeah it sounds like something else and then uh
[00:43:40] and then i just sent it to my manager and she was like oh you got to send all
[00:43:44] interviews to me i was like why don't think this is what most
[00:43:46] interviews are like you do you like talk to your manager with that kind of
[00:43:49] stuff well i thought i had a different manager
[00:43:51] the time and i and i was kind of i was this was a few years ago and i was kind
[00:43:55] of like yeah i don't i talked to my manager like once every six months and
[00:43:58] they're like what are you working on i'm like nothing they're like all right
[00:44:01] well you should work for you you gotta you gotta hit him up
[00:44:04] yeah i i i talked to my guy they're good they've done stuff for me
[00:44:07] but yeah i guess i don't really know what market there is for a
[00:44:11] come podcast outside of the one we've already created i think you guys are
[00:44:13] honest something you guys got a good dynamic everybody listening to this is a
[00:44:17] premium subscriber so you get actually you have free
[00:44:20] admittance to the same show tonight uh yeah come down
[00:44:24] come down i wasn't serious about that about what
[00:44:27] do they get in the show for oh you look come to the bigger second i
[00:44:30] oh no i i can't let ten come free i don't care yeah
[00:44:34] but uh the joke is this won't go up until tomorrow so
[00:44:38] there's no way they can get in there's gonna go tomorrow or today
[00:44:41] i don't have i gotta follow where am i gonna edit and upload oh you're right
[00:44:44] you're right dude uh you're right you know uh
[00:44:47] yeah the the saty dole thing was hilarious so because she really just
[00:44:50] she i remember when she posted that article about me i just woke up to like
[00:44:54] angry tweets like i hope you die and i was like well this is a different
[00:44:57] sunday morning yeah yeah and uh and then i saw i was like oh she took my
[00:45:01] joke at not only at a context but she omitted the punch line
[00:45:05] yeah that's kind of a problem you're just writing a fucked up setup
[00:45:09] right right right right uh and uh and i remember i sent it
[00:45:13] i wrote i was like well i got to respond to this and that's when it got
[00:45:16] tracked i probably could just let it die and nothing would have happened
[00:45:19] but like it got traction when i responded
[00:45:22] and uh and it's funny because you see who your friends are in those moments
[00:45:25] because i i remember a couple comic kind of were like like writing like passive
[00:45:28] aggressive shit about me really yeah and i was i was shocked i thought i was
[00:45:32] friends with that guy that's kind of weird yeah
[00:45:34] and uh and i remember i sent that my response to Colin Quinn and he and i was
[00:45:39] like hey uh what do you think of this and he was like how dare she like
[00:45:42] omit your punch line this is like because he's like the the most
[00:45:45] angered by this of course you know he's like yeah he's
[00:45:48] and he said something like uh you know this is a great response uh take out this
[00:45:52] one line it's pretty gay yeah yeah you should have had like an
[00:45:58] addendum at the end that was like i was also going to say this but Colin
[00:46:05] i should remember uh and that's that's really the real
[00:46:08] like you know uh treat to the trump thing as bad as it's going to be
[00:46:13] to see people like that you know just a little bit more upset than they
[00:46:16] already were oh yeah he's worth it is that spiteful
[00:46:21] absolutely is it that is wrong for me to do that probably yeah
[00:46:26] will i do it yes just enjoy it you mean yeah yeah despite all the other
[00:46:30] damage yeah well you know what you're gonna do
[00:46:33] that i'm doing it yeah you're doing it you're always gonna do it yeah yeah yeah
[00:46:41] those were great dr evil saying uh huge
[00:46:46] huge it's going to be great sady it's going to be really good okay
[00:46:56] it is funny it seems like trump's already fucking like
[00:46:59] like what he already said he might keep some parts of obama care oh yeah he's
[00:47:02] not gonna repeal obama care is i'm going to amend obama care
[00:47:06] there's a lot of great stuff in there that i really like you know it's
[00:47:09] awesome it's just already free from it's just in conditions well
[00:47:13] staying in there i think you know part of me is like you know he's he's a liberal
[00:47:17] guy at heart you know but the other part of me is like he's
[00:47:20] just wants to do whatever is going to be good for him he's a narcissist
[00:47:24] you know yeah who knows what the fuck is from me he's got to be mad that trump
[00:47:27] tv's not happening right yeah well he had a phone out with vajorales right
[00:47:30] before right right right i mean that's that was going to be the
[00:47:33] the brains behind it right yeah it was gonna happen which is by the way when you
[00:47:36] have some heat on you for you know sexual harassment maybe don't
[00:47:40] employ the other guy for sexual harassment there
[00:47:47] vajorales clearly a fucking terrible person for sure
[00:47:51] a very smart man and making an empire the mental image of like you know those
[00:47:56] like aspirational fox ladies having to like oh you know blow him as if he
[00:48:01] were the bad guy from the new mad max movie
[00:48:04] but they're those sex slaves being milked in the back room and he's like i need a
[00:48:08] brow job you know like that please it's me they lived in fear everyone
[00:48:12] lived in fear of him i remember i was on i was on like a right it was the last
[00:48:14] time i did red eye and i was kind of like all right i'm done with the show for a
[00:48:17] while because they won't let me make a rogerales joke
[00:48:19] when we make a john mccain joke and it was pro john mccain it was just about how
[00:48:22] he can't raise his arms up because he's you know a fucking p.o.w.
[00:48:26] i mean and that is a fun premise that he can't i mean
[00:48:28] he uh but look john in also that's the thing about it's like
[00:48:32] we're here you're not paying us when we do that show red eye yeah i get to say
[00:48:36] whatever the fuck i want that's my rule yeah you know
[00:48:38] and so once i start doing that i'm like all right i'm going to take a break for
[00:48:41] a while yeah yeah um please don't uh let the fans know
[00:48:45] that i'm not paid to do red eye they think i make a million dollars in
[00:48:50] episode we can't ruin the solution that i live on the top of the empire
[00:48:54] tom hulu makes more than falaan right now yeah
[00:48:57] well how funny would be if they didn't pay top
[00:49:07] then you a car and you get some stale cookies again i think it went there once
[00:49:11] i had that you know you come out and you don't see tom in the green room or
[00:49:15] sometimes you do and i go out there and he's like hey how's it going
[00:49:19] and that he had like not shaved for like a week
[00:49:22] and they just painted concealer over his beard really
[00:49:25] sorry he just had this like thick makeup all over his like
[00:49:30] shit like as much growth as i have right now they just painted over it
[00:49:33] why did he just shave i don't know it was so funny
[00:49:39] yeah that is so weird just clown makeup yeah yeah
[00:49:44] oh fuck fucking red eye i want to go on red eye i asked i asked uh
[00:49:47] christine if i could do uh i was like hey do you think i could do like
[00:49:51] kennedy or the gut field show you know because like fuck it why not you know
[00:49:54] get as much exposure as i can you know if it got full fun it's got a live crowd
[00:49:57] which is fun yeah and she was like uh she's like hey just about to go on
[00:50:01] vacation she was like in the interim i'd suggest like
[00:50:03] actually watching those shows you know i assumed i haven't seen them or
[00:50:08] whatever and i was like well you're right i haven't i thought it's cool but
[00:50:13] i had to actually google the great gut field show because i was i didn't know
[00:50:22] kennedy's cool too it's kennedy is like a stand-up fan
[00:50:25] yeah she's cool she was like a vj right isn't that
[00:50:29] yeah i just don't i mean i'm not a libertarian so i don't know if i could go
[00:50:32] on those shows i've been on it a million times and it's the same
[00:50:35] shit i just say horrible shit yeah yeah they go with it and they either edit
[00:50:39] it's a real bummer though when you like when you're like oh i'm not getting
[00:50:42] paid so i better get some good jokes oh they don't pay for those ones either
[00:50:44] no no and then you go out there and the jokes
[00:50:48] the joke is too offensive like we have to cut that and then there's like a long
[00:50:51] segment of everyone talking you're just sitting there
[00:50:53] yeah because i cut the one thing you said
[00:50:55] so i came for free and now i just look like an asshole
[00:50:58] yeah you just look at it and you know how can you say it would be great if you
[00:51:02] could bring like a big lollipop and the lollipop just changes size all the
[00:51:05] sudden you know you sit there and you say nothing and you're like
[00:51:09] and then the lollipop's half the size everyone looks tired
[00:51:13] yeah everyone's in a while you're on too it's like
[00:51:16] the way it's like someone who just like you i'll like come in with some jokes
[00:51:18] that are like pre-written yeah like obviously gonna have some
[00:51:21] jokes and i'll like say the setup and tell me like well that's not true and
[00:51:24] i'm like it was a setup to a joke yeah some of us aren't here for you know
[00:51:28] they put you on the fucking nerds i was on red eye with rich laurie and uh
[00:51:32] whoever the editor in chief of reason is and it's like
[00:51:36] why am i here yeah especially with that girl the fucking
[00:51:40] no sachinsky oh oh i was not with a guy who was just like
[00:51:45] some elitist british guy who just did not like what i was doing at all and
[00:51:48] every time he's like well that is very ignorant and
[00:51:52] not true at all and shut up bitch just slap him
[00:51:54] i was on with father jonathan the priest once and uh
[00:51:58] and he immediately uh went at me and i was like i was like are you a pedophile
[00:52:02] and he immediately backed off i was like i immediately like went to there and
[00:52:06] he was like oh god what's like great because like oh you need
[00:52:10] your people yeah they don't want you don't want them to see this i need
[00:52:13] my people yeah right that's so funny that's crazy that no one gets paid
[00:52:18] it is evil that's i mean that's kind of like look at how
[00:52:22] successful these networks are just because they don't pay people it's
[00:52:25] fucking evil yeah i mean other networks pay you to do
[00:52:27] shit though i don't know if msmbc does i don't think any of them oh they all
[00:52:31] they all bill it is an interview yeah yeah so it's like that's such
[00:52:35] horseshoe yeah yeah you're so clearly doing that's why i plug
[00:52:39] everything around them i plug this plug that yeah well they asked me they were
[00:52:43] like what do you want to plug and i was like um my podcast come down they're
[00:52:46] like we can't say that and i was like all right well
[00:52:49] i never prepare i stopped dressing nice for those two
[00:52:52] last time i went and i had like a big hole in the crotch of my pants
[00:52:57] we're like a shitty hoodie it's like come on it
[00:53:02] you're gonna promote the podcast one way or the other yeah
[00:53:04] just shine a black light on your hoodie you've written come down
[00:53:07] jizz can we have the lights please greg yeah
[00:53:11] they're uh they're you know that's the thing is like i usually have fun when
[00:53:15] i go in there but it's like i usually spend the day writing jokes for a
[00:53:19] free show right that airs at three a.m. right although you do you know what's
[00:53:23] weird is like i've done a bunch of them so occasionally i'd be in like
[00:53:25] Arizona and someone be like oh i love red eye because it's
[00:53:28] air's at midnight they actually want they actually like watch
[00:53:31] yeah i got that i got that texas when i was in texas yeah people coming up
[00:53:35] and saying that they uh there were fans of red eye but even if it comes on at
[00:53:39] midnight why would you watch that show yeah there's a you know i don't watch
[00:53:43] that show or the comics that were on it and only then times they were on it
[00:53:47] yeah i have no idea like like or scott chaplain will share his clips from
[00:53:52] red eye and it's like scott no one's going to watch them
[00:53:55] i'll watch it i get a kick out of it dude i mean he's got funny on it he's got
[00:53:59] funny that one he deposted where he was on with that
[00:54:01] fucking fat egg head where scott's like yeah no but hillary's people were
[00:54:05] saying that the whole time he's like no that's absolutely incorrect
[00:54:08] i just scott sitting there like yeah he's completely proven wrong
[00:54:15] he's wrong he should not have spoken yeah that's
[00:54:21] fucking i haven't done any of those because it's like i don't fucking i don't want
[00:54:24] to fucking learn anything i don't want to have to learn anything if the fox
[00:54:27] women don't have to learn it yeah they just look beautiful joanne doesn't know
[00:54:30] what the fuck she's talking about she and they make me sit next to her
[00:54:34] and one time she's sitting there and she's like you know i feel like seepak
[00:54:37] is like a wolf pack and a wolf pack needs its needs its leader
[00:54:41] oh and she says that and i'm like just lift up your leg and fart
[00:54:47] yeah that's kind of next time if i go on with her i want to do that just
[00:54:51] bullier yeah just make like air horn sound effects
[00:54:54] just trying obviously like i've i've been on enough
[00:54:56] where i've like i've done that to her and it doesn't you just kind of feel bad
[00:55:00] because she is so nice yeah like i've definitely had her like flop a
[00:55:03] joke and i'm just like i'm just i'll just jump right on it and so
[00:55:06] slamming them just like yeah yeah yeah she just she's just nice is she nice
[00:55:11] so she's like a rich person that made money off like beauty
[00:55:14] pageants and now really yeah now i i mean i i don't i really don't understand
[00:55:20] why she's on tv well she left uh red eye yeah
[00:55:23] she's uh pursuing acting i think oh man hilarious oh nice yeah
[00:55:28] i just got an audition in the mail for two broke girls so things are going
[00:55:32] pretty well for me too audition in the mail email
[00:55:36] which i'm just like oh man can i even i was reading the dialogue and i'm like i
[00:55:40] don't even know if i can this is the worst show i've ever read
[00:55:44] it's just the n-word four times in a row and every once in a while you get like
[00:55:47] i'm like a terrible actor but i'll just i'll read something like i could do this
[00:55:50] it's just me you know but then you get one and you're just like well no one
[00:55:53] fucking it's like that friend's dialogue we were like
[00:55:56] this is a bad idea like no one if you find this funny i don't want to
[00:56:02] make it i don't want to bring you joy i got there's there was a show on country
[00:56:06] music television called working class and i got the sides in the script for
[00:56:10] it though i auditioned for it when it like before you know it was produced
[00:56:13] and i remember i was like 21 when i got it and i remember reading it and being
[00:56:17] like this is such dog shit it was like filled with typos and stuff
[00:56:23] and like the joke the show opens where they're in like a grocery store and
[00:56:26] they're checking out and like they get to that and they have to like take
[00:56:29] items out of the cart because they don't have enough money
[00:56:31] and then she's like okay well we got to save 10 10 dollars 37 cents
[00:56:35] a piece cake oh a piece of cake and she removes a piece of cake
[00:56:39] oh no they're like did you steal this from a popsicle
[00:56:43] stick jesus right who wrote these jugs piece of cake oh
[00:56:47] piece of cake yeah oh a piece of cake there's the answer
[00:56:54] it's literally it's like the joke is the show opens and then we just jingle
[00:56:58] our keys at the camera trying to entertain a baby
[00:57:01] when you go to the audition and they're like giving you notes
[00:57:05] and and they're just like we got to say it like i'm like no i mean i'm mocking
[00:57:08] your yeah it's bad i like so i'm mocking it
[00:57:14] do you have any uh any tv shows you're on now you want to plug
[00:57:16] i'm on cone in december 5th sweet got a fun i like to set
[00:57:20] and then at midnight the next night so uh
[00:57:23] sember 5th two days before the uh both the john lennon and the dinebag darrell
[00:57:27] murder anniversary no wait hold on sorry two bag darrell and
[00:57:31] pearl harbor when did lennon die two equally tragic
[00:57:36] events wait same day right wasn't lennon also Pearl Harbor
[00:57:39] i don't know it was Pearl Harbor dinebag dareaf fock now i'm going to get a
[00:57:42] million the thing is i can't say anything on this podcast or i'm like what was
[00:57:46] it again because i always fuck up whatever fact it is
[00:57:49] and then i get a million people to dm me and they're like oh well actually
[00:57:54] oh also i have i have a podcast that is probably gonna come out in a few weeks
[00:57:58] called uh finding or keeping joe keeping joe keeping joe it's me joe maki and
[00:58:03] phil hamley and joe it's called keeping joe because he doesn't
[00:58:06] want to do it so it might only last like two episodes
[00:58:09] he said he'll give us he'll give us like five or six probably
[00:58:11] so it might be it might be a five or six episode thing but it's going to be
[00:58:14] fun because maki is uh he's a fucking hot fuck
[00:58:18] yeah it seems the fun one of the funniest dudes if you don't know stand up check
[00:58:21] him out thanks man um we're at the dc we're the big
[00:58:24] hunt in dc this weekend so if you have a time machine and
[00:58:28] can come yesterday have you done any dc stuff while you're here have you done
[00:58:32] any of the tourist shit no i mean i've been here
[00:58:34] barge i've done it all you know i i was we were drafted five months yeah yeah
[00:58:38] pretty you have erin space museum america's favorite museum it is cool when the
[00:58:43] then the shutdown happened that's how the local news was covering it they're
[00:58:45] like we're here outside of the erin space museum everyone's
[00:58:49] favorite museum because it's the least gay one yeah that's
[00:58:53] some cool shit because you can touch the exhibits yeah
[00:58:56] son but you don't have to be quiet in the air space i want to go to the creation
[00:59:00] as a museum i haven't been there but i haven't been there but so many comics
[00:59:03] go there and that's like such like the bit to go to the creation
[00:59:05] well i'm not gonna do a bit about it i just want to see i don't care and has a
[00:59:08] bit about it but uh i want but apparently that take charge like 60 bucks to get in
[00:59:12] because they know that people go there to mock it so damn i don't want to pay
[00:59:16] that i don't want to pay that there's no there's no actual fun museum to go to
[00:59:21] as never a museum i've been to the charges admission where i'm like this is
[00:59:24] fucking great yeah i usually go out of a sense of
[00:59:28] guilt because my mom's an artist so i'll go to like uh
[00:59:30] mama with her or something but i will yeah it's it's usually right what kind of
[00:59:34] art is your mom do it's abstract and uh painting really good are you one of
[00:59:39] her projects yeah burn yes that's just like we had
[00:59:46] Adam here yeah yeah yeah that's cool what kind of
[00:59:50] art i guess we have we have like five more minutes to kill
[00:59:54] sorry this is like when you say goodbye to someone and then you're like oh i'm
[00:59:57] going that way yeah you have to walk they take the
[01:00:00] train i'm sorry we can't end it now it doesn't matter i mean we're gonna have
[01:00:03] these people's money so we're about 55 minutes it was a good
[01:00:06] oh no you know what we're in an hour so fuck you guys uh
[01:00:09] sam thanks for coming on yeah i'll buy my album it's called the last act it's
[01:00:13] on i-tune it's a great album buy this album
[01:00:15] uh yeah thanks guys oh we got a live show coming up too
[01:00:19] no we don't yeah we do well the monday after thanksgiving
[01:00:22] you know the date and come on everybody fucking date no
[01:00:25] fucking they can put it together fuck up the monday after thanksgiving it come
[01:00:28] on everybody that's the actual name of the bar
[01:00:30] people have asked me it shows they're like all right but you guys say come on
[01:00:34] everybody and it's clearly some kind of jizz joke it's like no
[01:00:36] that's what the bar's called everyone it's in crown heights uh it's actually
[01:00:40] in bedside bedside do or die yeah that's right that's my neighborhood
[01:00:43] i've been living there two and a half months old school original bed
[01:00:48] style so yeah i walk home if it's dark i'd remember
[01:00:51] better believe i'm walking home quickly yeah
[01:00:54] never have headphones in i'm scared always scared i've been scared my entire
[01:00:59] life bed style well not anymore not anymore because i'm
[01:01:02] tough now thanks to donnie yeah donnie you see now i wear my make america
[01:01:08] great again hat and it's like a fucking helmet
[01:01:11] you would get so fucked up you would have had your neighborhood
[01:01:14] you would immediately get robbed you know i kind of want to do a buzzfeed
[01:01:17] video where i put a make america great a hat again hat on a guy with down
[01:01:21] syndrome and then send him through one of the protests
[01:01:24] it's like die hard three yeah well yeah yeah but it's like you know
[01:01:28] here's this makes you think doesn't it and people are like no not really
[01:01:33] like buzzfeed buzzfeed comedy the frame it is
[01:01:37] comedy would be the best because it's just you pulling a cruel
[01:01:45] buzzfeed gum all right thanks guys goodbye