Bonus 93 - im not diddy kong

[00:00:06] Um, just a couple fucking hard dick warriors in my bedroom.

[00:00:11] Yeah, I'm still laid the fuck up.

[00:00:15] Uh, yeah.

[00:00:16] First of all, we need to discuss something.

[00:00:18] Um, the fan base is not allowed to call me a monkey.

[00:00:21] I was just Twitch streaming and everyone's calling Nick Diddy Com.

[00:00:25] There's nothing.

[00:00:26] They did not like it.

[00:00:27] I don't like it.

[00:00:28] I don't even go on camera.

[00:00:29] I don't know how you know I'm wearing a hat.

[00:00:34] Yeah, you got your little fucking jet pack on, dude.

[00:00:36] No, I do not.

[00:00:38] You got here by jumping from alligator head to alligator head.

[00:00:41] Yeah, until you landed here.

[00:00:43] Yeah, it's just I didn't start a podcast is that people would criticize any, any aspect of my life.

[00:00:49] That's right.

[00:00:50] You started for respect.

[00:00:51] I did it to get respect.

[00:00:54] From other posters.

[00:00:56] That's right.

[00:00:57] Anybody that has anything negative to say about me one, you're wrong.

[00:01:01] That's number one.

[00:01:01] Two, you're making the show worse by hurting me.

[00:01:04] Is that what you guys want?

[00:01:05] Is that what you want?

[00:01:06] You want to make eyes are bloodshot.

[00:01:08] Dude, I've been crying all night long.

[00:01:09] Speak for a second.

[00:01:10] We've been trying to start this at podcast five different times, but Nick's been like, I need a second and then he cries in my bathroom and then he gets it out of the system and then I cry in the other bathroom and then he goes to the elders.

[00:01:20] The two genders.

[00:01:21] Well, elders is shitting.

[00:01:22] He sits in his lap.

[00:01:24] I climb my way up the shower curtain.

[00:01:29] Then I just launched her is it all this interesting way to dispute being a monkey.

[00:01:41] Damn, dude.

[00:01:46] The world's greatest podcast.

[00:01:48] That's good as fucking content, bitch.

[00:01:50] Yeah, were you guys getting that from, huh?

[00:01:52] Pied safe America.

[00:01:53] You know what?

[00:01:55] I suck my nuts.

[00:01:56] Maybe I am a monkey.

[00:01:57] This is the new.

[00:01:58] I'm going to.

[00:01:59] I'm leaning in, dude.

[00:02:00] I don't give a shit.

[00:02:01] Yeah, you know what?

[00:02:02] Make the noises.

[00:02:04] No, I'm not even going to make the noises so they can be clipped out of context.

[00:02:08] No, I was saying earlier, man.

[00:02:10] I'm jealous.

[00:02:12] I'm not going to make the noise.

[00:02:13] I'm not going to make the noise.

[00:02:14] I'm not going to make the noise.

[00:02:15] No, I was saying earlier, man.

[00:02:18] I'm jealous because I used to be just completely disgusting piece of shit.

[00:02:21] Oh, dude.

[00:02:22] And it's like, you know, I've been thinking a lot about the ponytail and it's like, why

[00:02:25] did I do that?

[00:02:26] And it's like, oh, because I had unshakable confidence.

[00:02:28] That's right.

[00:02:29] Because I didn't care.

[00:02:31] Because you thought you were going to get a black belt automatically.

[00:02:32] No, it's because it's like, it's because it's like, again, you have, you already have a million

[00:02:37] strikes against you.

[00:02:38] It's like, what the fuck is more?

[00:02:39] Yeah, that's why I was like, fuck it.

[00:02:41] Take the tooth out.

[00:02:42] No one's fucking because of how I look anyway.

[00:02:46] So why put an annoying ass little piece of plastic in my mouth?

[00:02:48] That's smart.

[00:02:49] You lose sight of things like that in life.

[00:02:51] That's right, bro.

[00:02:52] And really, it just destroys so much of you.

[00:02:55] You know what I also, you know what else you lose sight of?

[00:02:58] Here's a good reason to have plants in your room.

[00:03:00] Let's say you want to get up in the middle of the night and piss, but your toilet's going

[00:03:04] to be pissing in your plants.

[00:03:05] I may have pissed in one of my plants.

[00:03:08] Is it the one that's dead?

[00:03:09] They're all dead.

[00:03:10] That's our plant, dude.

[00:03:13] They're jars of piss.

[00:03:15] You have dirty jars of piss.

[00:03:19] Yeah, that's a little tip for you guys.

[00:03:23] If you ever want to something to piss inside of, get houseplants.

[00:03:27] It's perfect.

[00:03:28] Oh, it's smart.

[00:03:29] That's a fucking jar of piss you can have and people think you're fucking classy for it.

[00:03:34] The other thing, too, people aren't allowed to say I'm bad at standup.

[00:03:37] No more of that.

[00:03:38] That's canceled.

[00:03:40] You hear that?

[00:03:41] White man.

[00:03:42] I'm worse than Tom Myers.

[00:03:43] Do not say that about me.

[00:03:45] Incorrect.

[00:03:46] I've got a lot of classic bits.

[00:03:49] You know what?

[00:03:50] You think just because you have access to the stars streaming app, you know, Jack shit

[00:03:53] about my repertoire?

[00:03:54] Is that shit on stars?

[00:03:59] Yeah, that New York's funniest thing I posted on.

[00:04:03] I didn't know that.

[00:04:05] Stars, yeah.

[00:04:06] That's so weird.

[00:04:07] Yeah, I thought I was owed like residuals or something.

[00:04:08] But people watch that and then the experts of comedy weigh in.

[00:04:13] Well if you're not allowed residuals, we should at least get one of the fake dicks from Spartacus.

[00:04:18] What do you mean the fake dicks from Spartacus?

[00:04:20] Spartacus was on stars.

[00:04:21] Oh, was it?

[00:04:22] Yeah, have you ever seen it?

[00:04:23] No, but they have fake dicks.

[00:04:24] Dude, they have so many fake big dicks on Spartacus and like fake big ass titties and

[00:04:30] Like a dick gets chopped off and part of it.

[00:04:31] Are you sure there's not just people with normal size dicks and you're seeing it?

[00:04:35] You're like, look at all this.

[00:04:37] Look at these giant four inch and a four and a half inch dicks.

[00:04:41] Dude, they're so unrealistic with their three inch flaccid dicks on Spartacus.

[00:04:47] Dude, how do they have the fucking budget to make those big ass dicks?

[00:04:52] Everybody knows the neck ain't visible.

[00:04:54] When you're going into battle, nobody's got a visible neck.

[00:04:59] My shit's pointed straight forward like a weapon.

[00:05:05] Always, dude.

[00:05:06] The cock is always weaponized.

[00:05:08] Ready to fucking, I don't come so much that I at least my spores.

[00:05:12] My calm is very light.

[00:05:13] It goes into the wind.

[00:05:14] Like a fungus.

[00:05:15] That's right.

[00:05:16] Like a fungus.

[00:05:18] Exactly correct.

[00:05:19] It's a big piece of shit fungus tree that's just spewing poison all over the place.

[00:05:22] That's what my dick is a little mushroom that fucking coughs up calm spores.

[00:05:28] Mine's like a poisonous mushroom, you know, because it's all dark and twisted and dark

[00:05:33] up, little gnarled.

[00:05:35] I got a little seal.

[00:05:37] My dick looks like see love.

[00:05:39] Damn, I would think my dick looks like see low, but you're right.

[00:05:44] It is your dick.

[00:05:47] Just purple and beating women.

[00:05:48] That's right.

[00:05:49] But just fucking slathered and coco.

[00:05:52] Fuck you.

[00:05:54] I committed rape.

[00:05:56] He raped.

[00:05:58] I think he did.

[00:06:00] Well, I can't tell you know, you just ignore this.

[00:06:07] Keep having sex.

[00:06:09] Well, I tried to stop, but I did it more to you because fuck you.

[00:06:17] Fuck you.

[00:06:18] We'll see.

[00:06:20] Can we stop you right there and see love?

[00:06:22] When a bitch wants to stop having sex, it's like fuck you.

[00:06:27] See love.

[00:06:28] So what kind of is my?

[00:06:31] That's me.

[00:06:32] That's what your dick is.

[00:06:36] A little fat fucking black fucked up ball of rape.

[00:06:41] You're right though.

[00:06:42] Because I've been thinking a lot.

[00:06:43] I think it's like, I just need to have just really wallow and low self esteem so I can

[00:06:48] get back to get back to the bottom just being funny.

[00:06:51] Bottom out, you know, that's I somehow I stopped right.

[00:06:55] Well, I guess I never really wrote jokes about like self deprecating stuff.

[00:06:59] Yeah, really.

[00:07:00] It's always about society, you know, power structures.

[00:07:03] That's right.

[00:07:04] Like GameStop.

[00:07:06] Like GameStop.

[00:07:07] And old people that couldn't fucking figure out their email that you were duping for a

[00:07:15] Those were good jokes though.

[00:07:16] Thanks, man.

[00:07:17] See Reddit faggots.

[00:07:18] That's a professional comedians take on the man.

[00:07:20] That's the thing though.

[00:07:21] You really could have.

[00:07:22] You should already have it all out.

[00:07:24] You legitimately did bother me though.

[00:07:26] All the shit people say, that's the only thing that's ever really like hurt my feelings.

[00:07:29] That you're bad at stand up.

[00:07:30] Yeah, because you know why?

[00:07:31] They're fucking dumb.

[00:07:32] They don't know.

[00:07:33] Well, you know why it's because it's like I do feel that way.

[00:07:36] You feel like you're not working as hard as you could.

[00:07:38] Because well, it's not that I'm working.

[00:07:39] Yeah, I'm not definitely not working as hard as I could.

[00:07:40] But like with those Boston shows, it's like, so those people that come to see me.

[00:07:44] So I get to like 40 minutes or whatever.

[00:07:47] And then I can continue to go.

[00:07:49] But it's going to be material from like when I was a road feature, which is like, so I

[00:07:53] don't get fired from the club.

[00:07:56] So nobody wants.

[00:07:57] Yeah, I know what you mean.

[00:07:58] For me to do like, you know, the material, I mean, your shit's all like self-deprecating

[00:08:03] Yeah, but I have like 10, I have like 10, 15 minutes that I'm like, I really want to,

[00:08:07] I've outgrown it, but I have to keep it in because I'm doing an hour.

[00:08:11] You know what I mean?

[00:08:12] I'm doing it and I'm like, right.

[00:08:13] But you just got to put that shit.

[00:08:14] For me to do a bunch of shit about like, you know, food at the grocery store, you know,

[00:08:21] like after talking about how why me too is bad.

[00:08:24] Yeah, you have to structure it a certain way.

[00:08:27] You can't you can't follow fucking rape is good.

[00:08:30] Whatever.

[00:08:31] I'll show, I'll show you faggots.

[00:08:32] I'm going to become a really good comic.

[00:08:34] You fucking faggots.

[00:08:35] All right.

[00:08:36] Step one, Nick.

[00:08:37] I'm going to do it.

[00:08:39] I'm going to prove everybody wrong.

[00:08:43] Yeah, dude.

[00:08:44] Take that.

[00:08:45] Take that fucking imagine slight and let it fuel you, my friend.

[00:08:49] That's all it takes.

[00:08:50] Yeah, dude.

[00:08:51] I'll be on that shit, dude.

[00:08:52] The Reddit can suck my nuts.

[00:08:53] No, you need it.

[00:08:54] You need it to balance out your ego.

[00:08:56] I don't have that much of an ego.

[00:08:59] Yeah, that's true.

[00:09:00] You know, I'm good.

[00:09:02] You're definitely not a complete narcissist.

[00:09:03] I'm hum, oh, I am.

[00:09:04] But I have a I have plenty of reasons to like the self hatred is never too far away.

[00:09:09] So it's a nice it's a nice balance.

[00:09:12] I'm either right now I'm so low that it's like there's nothing anyone else can tell me

[00:09:15] that made me feel worse about myself.

[00:09:17] I'm fucking toothless.

[00:09:18] I've been eating like shit.

[00:09:19] I hurt my foot bathing today.

[00:09:22] I got a setback because I didn't want to smell bad.

[00:09:25] Although that's kind of an admirable thing because I was smelling ripe the other day.

[00:09:30] I mean, yesterday you fucking caught a whiff.

[00:09:31] Yeah, you smell pretty bad.

[00:09:32] I was not smelling good.

[00:09:35] But yeah, I feel I feel at my ultimate low.

[00:09:37] I'm probably going to take more edible.

[00:09:38] I've been taking edibles just to zonk me out so I don't have to fucking be awake for half

[00:09:44] Probably going to do that as soon as this podcast is over.

[00:09:45] That sounds like a good plan.

[00:09:47] Yeah, it's pretty nice, dude.

[00:09:48] You just get high as shit.

[00:09:49] You eat a bunch of fucking bad food and then you watch like heat or some shit.

[00:09:54] That's a nice evening.

[00:09:55] I used to have such I used to do when I was like 20, I would just get hired drunk all

[00:09:58] day long and just watch shitty movies.

[00:10:01] And I didn't care about anything.

[00:10:02] It's a good life.

[00:10:03] It was perfect.

[00:10:04] My mind was done.

[00:10:06] That's the worst.

[00:10:07] My mind was finished when I was 20.

[00:10:08] I don't know why the fuck anything had to change.

[00:10:11] I was 100% secure and who I was and what I did.

[00:10:16] The mean guy that was fucked up all the time and that's not happiness but it's at least

[00:10:23] Well, that's the worst part, dude.

[00:10:24] The scariest part of this whole foot or deal is that in my heart of hearts, I love this.

[00:10:29] I love just eating like shit all day, hanging out with my boys, not having sex.

[00:10:35] This is what I know, dude.

[00:10:36] Dude, Felix is on that tip right now.

[00:10:38] Just twitch streaming.

[00:10:40] Jim, no contact with anybody.

[00:10:42] Just none.

[00:10:44] It rules, dude.

[00:10:46] God, I wish I could go back to it.

[00:10:47] That is in my heart.

[00:10:49] But we have to transcend that, dude.

[00:10:51] We're about to be 30 years old.

[00:10:54] The end of our 20s.

[00:10:56] We have to come.

[00:10:57] We have to get families.

[00:10:58] We have to move to the sub.

[00:10:59] You have to get married.

[00:11:02] Does anyone know where I can get a family?

[00:11:04] Knock up the next bitch you fuck.

[00:11:07] Raw dogger.

[00:11:08] Oh, she's like, please don't come and you just hold her down.

[00:11:09] You can't go inside or whatever.

[00:11:10] It's sort of like a reverse.

[00:11:11] I am Sam.

[00:11:12] Instead of a retarded person knocking up a homeless woman, it's a genius.

[00:11:15] Wait, did I am Sam fuck a homeless lady?

[00:11:17] Yeah, that's the plot.

[00:11:18] And they have to take the kid away from me because I'm too smart.

[00:11:26] I'm working at Starbucks.

[00:11:27] That's right.

[00:11:28] People are like, can I get a chai latte?

[00:11:30] I'm like, have you ever heard of E equals MC squared?

[00:11:35] They're like, yes, obviously I have this type of fucking Einstein state.

[00:11:40] Can you give my fucking latte, you dumb motherfucker?

[00:11:43] This man is too smart for Starbucks.

[00:11:46] He knows E equals MC squared.

[00:11:49] Yeah, dude.

[00:11:51] That's me.

[00:11:52] This man too smart for Starbucks.

[00:11:55] How about I am Sam and he's a guy.

[00:12:00] He's gay.

[00:12:01] He's gay.

[00:12:02] It's just a movie.

[00:12:04] The state taking away comes from a gay man.

[00:12:13] Yeah, fuck.

[00:12:15] That's a good one.

[00:12:17] That would be great.

[00:12:18] I would love guy MC.

[00:12:20] So really a homeless lady fucked him?

[00:12:22] Yeah, he fucked a homeless lady.

[00:12:25] And then he has a kid for like eight years before somebody's like, what the fuck?

[00:12:30] Before they see the kid giving him the Heimlich maneuver because he ate too many Jolly ranchers.

[00:12:35] They're like, what the fuck's going on here?

[00:12:36] That's your daddy.

[00:12:37] We gotta take you away from me daddy.

[00:12:41] Damn, what happened at the end?

[00:12:44] He loses the kid, of course.

[00:12:48] And what?

[00:12:49] He goes to like a little home for the mentally challenged.

[00:12:50] Yeah, they can't let him put him down.

[00:12:54] Since you don't have a kid.

[00:12:57] You go into the retarded raffle and your odds are you either work at Walmart as a greeter.

[00:13:03] You get to fucking clean out the balls of Chuck E Cheese at the end of the day, wipe

[00:13:06] them one by one and color code them or we kill you.

[00:13:10] That's how we treat them in this fictional universe.

[00:13:17] I'm kind of depressed that I'm now a monkey who's bad at stand up.

[00:13:21] You got, dude, do you want a banana?

[00:13:23] No, I don't want a banana flavor now and later.

[00:13:27] What about a banana flavor?

[00:13:28] In fact, I don't.

[00:13:29] In fact, I don't.

[00:13:30] What about a banana milkshake?

[00:13:34] In fact, I do not.

[00:13:36] Would you like some chunky monkey Ben and Jerry's?

[00:13:39] Um, I don't know about that.

[00:13:41] You'd like to throw your own shit?

[00:13:43] I don't want a banana.

[00:13:44] I don't want a banana.

[00:13:45] I got to find a way to be happy.

[00:13:47] Because it's starting to piss me off.

[00:13:50] Oh, you're getting mad at depression.

[00:13:52] I like that.

[00:13:54] Fight it, dude.

[00:13:56] See if you can punch your way out of being sad.

[00:13:57] Yeah, yeah.

[00:13:59] The Lewis move.

[00:14:00] The Lewis move.

[00:14:02] Or the abusive father move.

[00:14:04] That's the other reason you need family.

[00:14:05] You need to abuse them.

[00:14:07] That's how my dad felt good.

[00:14:09] Throwing shit.

[00:14:10] The thing is about having a family is it would probably be like, oh good.

[00:14:13] Now it's this child.

[00:14:14] This child can have a bad life.

[00:14:17] I mean, I can just be proud of it.

[00:14:20] I get to stop thinking.

[00:14:21] I get to stop having goals and ambitions and fucking problems.

[00:14:24] Maybe that's what I need to do.

[00:14:26] I'll just.

[00:14:27] Get it all on a kid.

[00:14:28] Yeah, right.

[00:14:29] Make the kid have a better life.

[00:14:31] He kills himself or whatever, but who cares?

[00:14:33] You can have a nice 20 year run.

[00:14:38] If you can't kill the child.

[00:14:41] After that, you got to deal with that shit.

[00:14:44] You're back to square one.

[00:14:45] You got your clothes is room board up.

[00:14:46] You just hit me up.

[00:14:47] You're like, hey, dude, what's up?

[00:14:48] Remember the time he's told the car.

[00:14:52] 20 years from now.

[00:14:54] My son killed him.

[00:14:55] He's trying to chill.

[00:14:56] Let's get the pod.

[00:14:57] Adam's like, I can't about thank God.

[00:14:59] He starts crying tears of joy.

[00:15:00] It's fucked up that Adam's going to have the best life of the three of us.

[00:15:05] The one who contributes the least.

[00:15:06] But it makes sense.

[00:15:07] That's why he's also not as funny.

[00:15:08] Yeah, that's true.

[00:15:09] You know, he's like has going to have sort of a bad life because any sort of funny, you

[00:15:13] know what I mean?

[00:15:14] It's like it's perfect.

[00:15:17] We're fucked for sure.

[00:15:19] Me and you are pretty fucked.

[00:15:22] And everyone we drag into our lives is also fucked.

[00:15:24] Oh, yeah.

[00:15:25] I will hurt so many people.

[00:15:28] Everyone who makes a mistake.

[00:15:30] That's the worst part.

[00:15:32] Every time a girl likes me, I'm like, damn, dude, I'm sorry.

[00:15:36] I'm not mad for what's about to happen.

[00:15:38] Yeah, I know.

[00:15:39] But they don't know.

[00:15:40] Let me suck them titties though.

[00:15:41] They don't know any better.

[00:15:44] You just dragging them into the forest to be raped and murdered.

[00:15:47] Oh, I don't know about that.

[00:15:50] Oh, should I have done it as a metaphor?

[00:15:54] Oh, yeah.

[00:15:59] Did you like poetry as a little kid?

[00:16:01] Do you ever read no like shell silverstein or anything like that?

[00:16:03] No, I mean, I'm familiar.

[00:16:05] That shit was nice.

[00:16:06] I like that shit.

[00:16:07] I was really into Lord Byron when I was in kindergarten.

[00:16:09] Shouts out to Lord Byron.

[00:16:11] My man came through and gave a little, I think, fiduciary aid to the Greeks and the revolution.

[00:16:17] Shouts out to Lord Byron.

[00:16:19] I think he was good.

[00:16:20] Oh, Lord Byron.

[00:16:21] And it's all I think he was already gay.

[00:16:23] Tis to the mind dick.

[00:16:25] Mind, mind, beautiful phallus.

[00:16:29] Sucketh mind glands.

[00:16:30] Ties and tying my cock and balls.

[00:16:33] That's a wintery nether hole.

[00:16:37] And I shall fuck dusseling into your ass.

[00:16:44] And I shall take into your ass for shelter and sustenance.

[00:16:51] I will eat your asshole.

[00:16:53] I will suckle on your sphincter like the morning dew, like a bee at the morning dew.

[00:16:59] I'll suckle at your nuts.

[00:17:02] What does it be?

[00:17:05] You know, you just stand fucking sweet queen pussy.

[00:17:07] Yeah, you get the fucking queen lopy queen pussy.

[00:17:11] Do we already, do we already talk about an episode?

[00:17:13] I'm sure we talked about these.

[00:17:14] It's just a sludge.

[00:17:15] Just a slam piece.

[00:17:16] Cleaning one.

[00:17:17] Everyone fucks are pussy.

[00:17:20] Everyone just gets a piece of the queen's pussy.

[00:17:22] That's right.

[00:17:23] I think just has a giant pussy.

[00:17:25] Everyone gets a corner off.

[00:17:27] I wanted a girl who had a pussy so loose that it would like.

[00:17:32] Like, wow.

[00:17:33] You know, it would like.

[00:17:34] You're getting sucked into another dimension.

[00:17:36] You open it.

[00:17:37] If you open the front and go, wow.

[00:17:40] Like there is a cavernous sound.

[00:17:42] Her pussy looked like the fucking.

[00:17:47] The, what the fuck is that?

[00:17:48] The little shop of horrors playing.

[00:17:52] Your hair.

[00:17:54] Your fat flies off your head.

[00:17:56] I love it.

[00:17:57] It's really.

[00:18:02] I'll get it.

[00:18:06] I'll fish it out.

[00:18:07] She just puts her fucking hand elbow deep into her pussy and gets your hat out.

[00:18:14] That did a couple like extremely loose.

[00:18:16] Big pussy.

[00:18:17] Just extremely loose.

[00:18:18] Interesting.

[00:18:19] I remember this girl jacking me off one time and she stuck her entire hand in her pussy.

[00:18:24] To like scoop out, to scoop out this.

[00:18:26] Like ice cream.

[00:18:29] It's like jacking me off with it.

[00:18:31] No, it's like, did you just put your whole hand in there?

[00:18:35] And she was like, yeah.

[00:18:38] Are you kidding?

[00:18:39] No, I'm serious.

[00:18:40] It's how fucking bigger pussy was.

[00:18:42] I mean, she didn't have big hands, but like for fuck's sake.

[00:18:45] I mean, it's like, you know, your fingers are the same size as your nose.

[00:18:49] Your hand shouldn't be the same size as your entire pussy.

[00:18:51] Oh, sorry.

[00:18:52] I have to scratch my, my ass is itching.

[00:18:54] You just put my whole hand in my ass to scratch it.

[00:18:59] That was intense.

[00:19:01] Her whole hand in her pussy.

[00:19:02] A whole fucking hand.

[00:19:04] I mean, I could see maybe one or two things.

[00:19:06] Well, of course, one or two fingers.

[00:19:08] But yeah.

[00:19:09] But just even the scoop motion is a little advanced.

[00:19:13] No, she the whole just like, you know, like a backhoe.

[00:19:17] Just one.

[00:19:18] And just and like scraping out pussy.

[00:19:24] She's got a jackhammer in her pussy.

[00:19:26] My friend, I almost said his name, my friend friend college, raw dog, this one random

[00:19:31] girl who just like showed up.

[00:19:33] We were having like a part, they were having a party and it was just like six dudes and

[00:19:37] like one random woman.

[00:19:40] And she starts.

[00:19:41] So he started hooking over there and our friend, our other friend Chad just kind of hung out

[00:19:45] in the mix.

[00:19:46] And so she just started sucking both their dicks, like, you know, at the same time.

[00:19:50] And like they, these guys did not know each other at the time.

[00:19:53] And just like, just kind of couple of blokes at the ear.

[00:19:56] A couple of blokes at the ear.

[00:19:58] And she starts sucking both their dicks, Chad gets weird out and she stays.

[00:20:02] And this my friend was, we'll call him Rick.

[00:20:05] He starts to fuck her.

[00:20:07] And then she while he's like, this girl's supposed to be so big.

[00:20:10] And I think he also has a little stick.

[00:20:13] She would she started putting a couple of fingers in while he was fucking.

[00:20:17] And she puts her whole hand in her pussy while his dick is inside of it.

[00:20:24] I think his dick was that little and her pussy was that big.

[00:20:27] That's hilarious.

[00:20:28] And he just, and he remembers it.

[00:20:30] Like, so she reached in her pussy and was jacking him off.

[00:20:33] Basically, yeah, she was basically giving her my hand job in her pussy.

[00:20:37] That's so funny.

[00:20:38] But I think she was, yeah, she was, I mean, I was like, what?

[00:20:41] He was like, yeah, dude, it started when he was fingering her.

[00:20:44] And she was like, another one.

[00:20:47] And he was like, three, and he's just like, okay.

[00:20:49] And he's just putting four fingers in her pussy.

[00:20:52] And then he's, needed a couple fingers to like help him out.

[00:20:59] And he just raw-docked his stranger.

[00:21:02] That's always a good move.

[00:21:03] And he just did AIDS.

[00:21:04] He just researched how do you get AIDS for about a month after that.

[00:21:08] And he did not, he's very, he's happily married now though.

[00:21:10] So congratulations to him.

[00:21:13] He hit a ring inside her pussy and she didn't even notice.

[00:21:18] Well, that's how you would let me be.

[00:21:20] She put his hand in a ring, a full game.

[00:21:22] You put your hand in a girl's pussy, you're wearing gloves when it comes out.

[00:21:27] He's having a fucking bracelet and a ring of gloves.

[00:21:32] Your nails are done.

[00:21:34] Your nails are painted green.

[00:21:38] That fucking rules.

[00:21:39] She just folds in on herself.

[00:21:40] Like a Columbia ring jacket.

[00:21:43] She's like, ooh, it's raining out.

[00:21:46] She goes into her pussy.

[00:21:48] Can you just punt me home?

[00:21:50] He's in this.

[00:21:51] He just gives it a little ball shaped.

[00:21:55] I have, I did not know that a couple of the first girls that I fucked had big pussies until

[00:22:01] I came into the little pussy.

[00:22:03] I came into some little pussy later on in life and I was like, oh, this is, this is right.

[00:22:09] This is rocks.

[00:22:11] It's like my dick is big.

[00:22:14] So, but now, you know, I like to, I'll enjoy, you know, fucking picking a corner of the

[00:22:20] pussy to fuck, picking a side.

[00:22:22] It's really big, you know.

[00:22:24] You have to get creative, you know.

[00:22:26] You must stick to the left side of this big pussy.

[00:22:29] I'm going to take the friction from the left wall.

[00:22:31] I'm just fucking in the middle.

[00:22:36] What's the point?

[00:22:37] I'm just angle, angle the way you fuck.

[00:22:40] I'm doing, I'm doing a demonstration.

[00:22:42] Yeah, that's a good demonstration.

[00:22:44] I still don't understand the physics of your body.

[00:22:46] I can't imagine fucking at that size.

[00:22:48] Yeah, rocks, dude.

[00:22:49] I have a lot of, a lot of torque behind my strokes.

[00:22:53] A lot of power, dude.

[00:22:54] It feels good to fuck at this size.

[00:22:56] I got to be honest with you.

[00:22:58] You enjoy it?

[00:22:59] I love the heck.

[00:23:00] I remember I had a big fat roommate and he brought home some big fat girl.

[00:23:03] Oh, that's tough.

[00:23:04] I mean, that's always like, it's like a sumo match at that point.

[00:23:09] It's like, I don't even mind, fuck, I like big girls.

[00:23:12] But sometimes the physics just scares me off.

[00:23:15] You know what I mean?

[00:23:16] Because I'm not even working with that much dick either.

[00:23:19] So you can't, I can't be, we're losing interest.

[00:23:20] Right, that's what I'm saying.

[00:23:21] We're losing interest to fat.

[00:23:23] You know what I mean?

[00:23:24] From my end, and now you're going to throw a fucking little, little, little pussy fat

[00:23:30] I can't deal with that.

[00:23:32] You know, you girls with humongous asses, it's like, I got to take the right angle from

[00:23:36] that shit, dude.

[00:23:37] Because I don't have the kind of dick that can, you know, persevere past big ass butt

[00:23:41] cheeks if they're not angled correctly.

[00:23:43] What do you mean angled correctly?

[00:23:46] Like, you know, she's got to sort of, the pussy's got to be popping.

[00:23:51] Past and the cheeks sort of angled tilted down, pussy, pussy tilted up.

[00:23:56] And I'm kind of fucking down.

[00:23:57] I always feel bad for girls.

[00:23:58] You go to fucking from behind and they don't know what to do with their body.

[00:24:02] I look like they're looking for a contact lens.

[00:24:04] It's like back all fucking arched.

[00:24:09] You know, like a scare is way too high.

[00:24:12] Pussies at your titties and shit like that.

[00:24:13] The pussy's always too high for me because I got short.

[00:24:15] I got like little, not chimp legs, but some other type of animal that has tiny legs.

[00:24:21] So, yeah, no, me on my knees.

[00:24:23] I'm always like fucking up.

[00:24:26] That's why I recently swished.

[00:24:27] I hate it, dude.

[00:24:28] It's like, it's like, because I'm usually, I mean, I, I can't.

[00:24:32] I can't recall if I've fucked women taller than me, but I've definitely had plenty of

[00:24:35] women the same height.

[00:24:36] I've had a couple of, which is tall bitch, by the way.

[00:24:40] That's not a, that's not a pretty five eight is extremely tall for a woman.

[00:24:45] That is a rare for a woman to be that.

[00:24:47] That's all.

[00:24:48] Every nicks only.

[00:24:49] That's what a WNBA center height is.

[00:24:51] It's five eight.

[00:24:53] But yeah, there's nothing more embarrassing when I, you know, you have like, try to fuck

[00:24:59] a girl behind your tippy toes.

[00:25:00] You're like, I might need to get a phone book straight up.

[00:25:05] I was problem solving this.

[00:25:06] And I was like, do I get a stool?

[00:25:09] You know how many times I've hurt?

[00:25:11] I've gotten literal Charlie horses in my calves.

[00:25:14] Fucking literally on my tippy toes.

[00:25:18] All the time.

[00:25:19] That's why I recently switched bed frames to the lower bed frame.

[00:25:21] One that's four inch, three inches lower, barely low, but it is all the fuck height that

[00:25:28] The perfect set it was box spring and the specific mattress.

[00:25:31] And there and me on standing up, perfect pussy pussy.

[00:25:38] And I've recently 16 inch legs.

[00:25:41] That's right.

[00:25:46] So now I've swapped four fucking purposes.

[00:25:48] Oh, it's a little lower than I like.

[00:25:49] I got used to a little higher, but that's all right, man.

[00:25:53] Fucking fuck.

[00:25:54] And then you're standing up.

[00:25:55] You got a real good, you got a real good fucking, you're fucking from a position of

[00:26:00] Standing up, putting your whole fucking shit behind it.

[00:26:03] That rocks.

[00:26:05] That's a good tip for the listeners.

[00:26:06] If you're a shorter man, get us, get us, get either a box spring in a mattress or a

[00:26:12] 10 inch platform bed in a mattress.

[00:26:17] And you're in fluck city.

[00:26:18] You're in stand up while they're bent over.

[00:26:19] And by the way, I'm not saying you just got a fuck.

[00:26:22] Eat some ass from behind.

[00:26:23] I love a nice ass eating for a lot.

[00:26:25] I could not be more on board with that.

[00:26:27] I was kind of annoyed when everybody was doing the whole like eating ass thing because it's

[00:26:31] like, man, that's been my shit for well over a decade.

[00:26:34] Never been gun shy about that.

[00:26:37] Never once.

[00:26:38] Certainly.

[00:26:39] I'll stick my whole fucking tongue in there.

[00:26:40] Yes, sir.

[00:26:41] Not think twice about it.

[00:26:42] I'll start at the clip and do one of those big cartoon ice cream links all the way up

[00:26:46] to your asshole.

[00:26:48] Like a goofy.

[00:26:49] No, no, no, no gun shyness.

[00:26:51] What's the, uh, guns blazing pitch?

[00:26:54] Like fucking Rocky and Rambo.

[00:26:56] Yeah, it sucks when you're not tall enough to eat the ass.

[00:27:02] You must be this tall.

[00:27:04] The carnival ride.

[00:27:05] Damn, that keeps happening to me too.

[00:27:07] I meet these women.

[00:27:08] Their ass is just too high.

[00:27:10] Just a little bit too high.

[00:27:12] Like a run trying to get to the asshole.

[00:27:15] Just trying to get to the ass.

[00:27:17] Just taller versions of you eating the ass.

[00:27:25] That's exactly like this.

[00:27:28] It's like seven of them.

[00:27:31] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

[00:27:33] and then some fucking old British man lets you eat his ass.

[00:27:37] That old dude pig.

[00:27:39] That old dude.

[00:27:40] Uh, fuck dude.

[00:27:44] How about rape to pig in the city?

[00:27:47] It's a pig named rape.

[00:27:49] And he said a babe.

[00:27:50] Does he rape?

[00:27:55] How about instead of Babe Ruth, it's a rape booth.

[00:28:00] You know?

[00:28:02] He loves going in phone booths.

[00:28:04] Hey, come on over here, sweetheart.

[00:28:06] I got to make a phone call.

[00:28:08] Can you get the operator for me?

[00:28:10] There's like a building on fire and like Clark Kent sees it.

[00:28:13] And he's like, oh, and he pulls a woman into a phone booth and rapes her while I'm

[00:28:15] doing a spend attention to the fire.

[00:28:19] It's an alternate universe story.

[00:28:25] Clark Kent is just a rapist.

[00:28:27] It's an opportunistic rapist.

[00:28:30] It's a bird.

[00:28:31] It's a plane.

[00:28:32] It's, I don't know, just look over there.

[00:28:35] It's a bird.

[00:28:36] It's a plane.

[00:28:37] It's a cloth rag.

[00:28:40] It's a chloroform.

[00:28:45] What I miss, boy, he just runs over, sipping up his pants.

[00:28:49] Boy, that's a bad fire.

[00:28:51] I wish I lived in the 40s.

[00:28:53] How come?

[00:28:54] You wear hats everywhere.

[00:28:55] Everyone wears hats.

[00:28:56] Yeah, we're talking about how the 50s kind of suck.

[00:28:58] The only part I like about it is the soda journey.

[00:29:01] Yeah, the soda journey.

[00:29:02] That's nice.

[00:29:03] Oh, first of all, the mustache, nobody would give me shit about it.

[00:29:05] You get to have the mustache where pinstripe suits.

[00:29:07] Maybe it'll be a newspaper man.

[00:29:10] You know?

[00:29:11] Got a private eye.

[00:29:12] Private dick, if you will.

[00:29:13] Oh, yeah.

[00:29:15] Oh, yeah.

[00:29:16] Walk into my office, touch what seems to be the problem.

[00:29:18] Oh, yeah.

[00:29:19] That's Superman raped me a phone booth.

[00:29:23] That's cheating on you, huh?

[00:29:24] Well, I'll tell you what, me and my associates specialize in dressing up like girls and then

[00:29:31] confronting people's husbands and trying to suck their Johnson's.

[00:29:36] So I'll get right on this this afternoon.

[00:29:40] You know, then it's like a good news.

[00:29:44] Uh, Miss Smith, we were able to suck off your husband.

[00:29:51] Miss Smith, so good to see you.

[00:29:54] Take a look at that.

[00:29:55] Look familiar.

[00:29:56] This spits you guys call me.

[00:29:58] Oh, oh my goodness.

[00:30:00] I knew this was true.

[00:30:02] Hey, McGonagall, that woman that came in earlier, that's not Mr. Smith's wife.

[00:30:09] You mean to tell me I just suck some guys cock to not protect the sanctity of marriage?

[00:30:16] Yeah, that was his, that was his side piece.

[00:30:21] Looks like we're going to have to keep tailing him on this one.

[00:30:24] Well, it's the daughter of the guy that owns the Water and Power Commission.

[00:30:28] Uh, yeah, of course.

[00:30:31] Because he's, he wanted to set up Mr. Smith because Mr. Smith had evidence that they were

[00:30:37] funneling water out of the San Fernando Valley to starve all the crops that they could develop

[00:30:42] up there.

[00:30:44] So that, you know, that means you got to suck his dick next.

[00:30:49] They got, they needed, they need fucking dirt on him.

[00:30:52] They got to suck John Houston.

[00:30:54] That's right.

[00:30:55] And he got in trouble for giving water to Mexicans.

[00:30:59] Whoa, don't lick my asshole.

[00:31:00] Forget it, Jake.

[00:31:01] It's Chinatown.

[00:31:02] Chinatown's such a good movie.

[00:31:06] Never seen it.

[00:31:08] You should.

[00:31:09] But I would eat Chinese food for either.

[00:31:11] You know what?

[00:31:12] That's an extremely similar thought.

[00:31:15] Those two are very related.

[00:31:17] Dude, you can't throw the word China at me and not expect me to want to fucking.

[00:31:21] Well, China, doll, have a little fucking, what'd you go to Chinese food order?

[00:31:26] I moved to Japan and just have a Japanese wife.

[00:31:30] That seems awesome.

[00:31:31] Osuko and me were discussing earlier the possibility of getting into Katanas.

[00:31:37] Your, your ball of rice for dinner is ready.

[00:31:39] Here, please enjoy this ball of rice and green tea and my pussy.

[00:31:44] And you will never experience depression again because you are now just some guy who

[00:31:50] lives in Japan.

[00:31:52] You are so completely far removed from your own reality that the subjective problems of

[00:31:57] your mind no longer exist in this fantasy in which you are a completely different person

[00:32:01] with no emotional complexity.

[00:32:05] Is that the answer?

[00:32:06] Yeah, dude.

[00:32:07] I think so.

[00:32:09] I don't see why not.

[00:32:11] Yeah, that's probably the answer is to have a little cottage made out of paper in the middle

[00:32:13] of fucking Japan.

[00:32:15] Oh, yeah.

[00:32:16] You know, I'm, Osuko is, he's cleaning my blades.

[00:32:19] Yes, of course.

[00:32:20] He's cleaning my, that's why I called sucking me off as cleaning my blades.

[00:32:23] Cleaning my blade.

[00:32:24] My blade.

[00:32:25] Osuko, the blade's getting dull.

[00:32:26] Osuko is turning from that blade to be cleaned.

[00:32:31] That's that guy's fantasy for sure.

[00:32:32] Oh, yeah.

[00:32:33] Well, Keith, yeah.

[00:32:35] Getting this, his hog serviced by the shuffling race by a subservient foot bound wife.

[00:32:42] The Japanese do foot binding or just the Chinese.

[00:32:44] I think that was just the Chinese, my man.

[00:32:47] Mainland style.

[00:32:49] Good shit.

[00:32:50] I don't know.

[00:32:51] I would, I feel like I am one of those white guys that needs to just fuck off the Southeast

[00:32:55] You think so?

[00:32:56] You want to go native?

[00:32:57] You want to go to Vietnam and just stay there?

[00:32:58] Dude, I want to be like Teddy Roosevelt, you know, just go to the jungle.

[00:33:01] Get my shit.

[00:33:02] You get my shit fucked up by one of those kendiru fishes.

[00:33:07] Those ones are going to your dick hole.

[00:33:10] Oh, fuck those things.

[00:33:12] Yeah, I'm anti a kendiru fish that chicken s-s-s-s-s-suck my fucking dick.

[00:33:19] I mean, that's what it does.

[00:33:20] Yeah, but I don't want it to actually.

[00:33:22] Never mind.

[00:33:24] I want it to eat my ass.

[00:33:26] Sorry, if you're one of those big pussy girls, could you have like a dolphin that does

[00:33:32] Yeah, you got a river dolphin.

[00:33:33] The Amazon River Dolphin.

[00:33:36] That's just fucked up.

[00:33:37] There's dolphins in there, dude.

[00:33:38] And the Amazon River.

[00:33:39] The best was when there was a dolphin in the Gewanus Canal that died.

[00:33:42] just from pollution.

[00:33:45] So you're dolphins swimming in the guanas canal and people are like,

[00:33:48] a dolphin and then just a group rolled over.

[00:33:50] Fucking dead.

[00:33:52] Is this city you'll destroy?

[00:33:54] Oh, yeah.

[00:33:54] You're not beautiful parts of you.

[00:33:55] You're not even allowed to make you a millionaire.

[00:33:57] But look at me now.

[00:33:58] You hollow.

[00:34:00] You actually look way better than at any time than I've

[00:34:03] We've been friends.

[00:34:04] I look pretty good.

[00:34:05] Everything in your life is actually better.

[00:34:06] Everything in my life is great.

[00:34:07] It's a depression.

[00:34:09] Except even that is like.

[00:34:10] I can't handle.

[00:34:11] I can't handle success.

[00:34:13] Suffering for success.

[00:34:15] That's that DJ Callen album.

[00:34:16] I'm so jealous of the posters.

[00:34:18] They just get to go on the Reddit and talk shit.

[00:34:21] Never get pussy.

[00:34:22] Never fucking.

[00:34:23] Never have any money.

[00:34:25] Life sucks.

[00:34:26] Life sucks.

[00:34:27] They're ugly as shit.

[00:34:28] They're not in a funny and daring cut way.

[00:34:29] Well, it's fun.

[00:34:30] No, it's because it's like, I don't deserve any of this anymore.

[00:34:33] Any of those people do.

[00:34:34] Yeah, of course.

[00:34:35] I'm the one that fucking snatched that golden ring, I guess.

[00:34:37] I got lucky.

[00:34:38] You know?

[00:34:39] We got lucky for sure.

[00:34:41] I deserve it less.

[00:34:42] Oh, yeah.

[00:34:43] Wait, only because they called me Diddy Kong.

[00:34:45] That's the only reason.

[00:34:46] That's the only reason none of them deserve this.

[00:34:50] The ones that didn't call them Diddy Kong.

[00:34:52] You guys are all right by us.

[00:34:55] Except the racist ones.

[00:34:57] Cool it with that racist stuff.

[00:34:58] I was laughing last night about instead of the vice president, it's the rice president.

[00:35:04] Is he Chinese?

[00:35:05] He is, yes, but he's an evil Chinese man.

[00:35:09] And he's always trying to kill the president, but pretending like he's not.

[00:35:12] So he's coy about it.

[00:35:14] Oh, it seems to me the president has been poisoned.

[00:35:18] I wonder who could have done something like that.

[00:35:22] I'm like, yes, Mr. Rice Pres.

[00:35:24] So the title, Rice President.

[00:35:29] So every time, every four years, it has to be a new evil Chinese guy.

[00:35:34] Well, I wonder who could have poisoned the president.

[00:35:39] Certainly not me because I am his most trusted associate, the rice president.

[00:35:46] Sort of like a Jafar character.

[00:35:48] Jeez, every president dies.

[00:35:53] Now I was trying to do that bit on Karen and Abby's new podcast or whatever and they were

[00:35:58] just not happy.

[00:35:59] They weren't with you?

[00:36:00] Yeah, nothing.

[00:36:01] That bit just wasn't.

[00:36:02] Yeah, I know.

[00:36:03] Can you believe it, dude?

[00:36:04] And so funny how like without the setting of calm down, I'm just a fucking retarded person.

[00:36:15] None of the things I say resonate with anybody.

[00:36:17] What the most we've got lucky is finding a stupid dynamic that suits our worst habit.

[00:36:23] I think everything's funny and fucking stupid and shit.

[00:36:29] And then you'll just say wild outlandish shit that most people will be horrified.

[00:36:33] But I'm like, hell yeah, brother.

[00:36:35] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:36:36] Let's keep singing about C.Lo raping.

[00:36:39] I mean, that's the way.

[00:36:40] Hit me with the rice president.

[00:36:41] Look, you guys want podcasting tips?

[00:36:43] Find your dumbest friends.

[00:36:44] That's right.

[00:36:45] And record all your conversations.

[00:36:50] Imagine the horrific podcast that we'll fucking.

[00:36:53] Well, somebody made a podcast called come town too.

[00:36:55] Oh, really?

[00:36:56] Yeah, just it's a come town logo and then the number two on top of it.

[00:36:59] And I gave it a listen just to see.

[00:37:01] Interesting.

[00:37:02] Check out the competition.

[00:37:04] And yeah, it's just incredibly boring.

[00:37:08] You know, like I tried listening to it.

[00:37:11] I earnestly tried to listen to that.

[00:37:13] You had the king's ear and they do all that they do exactly what we do, but it's not us.

[00:37:18] So it's not so sucks.

[00:37:21] We're the damn golden boys, right?

[00:37:22] The sweet golden pricks always imitated never duplicated.

[00:37:25] That's right.

[00:37:26] That's right.

[00:37:27] Too black for that ass.

[00:37:29] We are too black.

[00:37:30] That is definitely true.

[00:37:31] Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark ass, Nicholas, dark, wall, bird.

[00:37:38] Dark, I'm fucking black now.

[00:37:40] You didn't think I would go black.

[00:37:43] Here I am.

[00:37:44] Here I am.

[00:37:45] You lace curtain faggot.

[00:37:49] Now I'm fucking black.

[00:37:51] Hell yes.

[00:37:53] Dude, I want those shoes.

[00:37:55] Those wall bird.

[00:37:56] He debuted a new type of sneaker for the launch yet his own Jordan force.

[00:38:01] And the colors suck because they're the wall bird.

[00:38:04] Is that Boston green?

[00:38:05] Yeah, just ugly as shit.

[00:38:07] You know, fucking bright ass green and just like white, but it's bad somehow.

[00:38:12] The burgers, but they're also sneakers.

[00:38:16] Having said that, I want any, I want the pizza.

[00:38:18] Have you seen the Pizza Hut sneakers?

[00:38:21] There's Pizza Hut sneakers.

[00:38:22] I want those.

[00:38:24] And I want the wall burgers Jordan force.

[00:38:26] And any other kind of snack, if there was some kind of milk dud fucking, if there's some

[00:38:30] milk dud fucking Nikki runners, the boost, the easy or the deed is boost.

[00:38:36] I'll take those two.

[00:38:38] If you got a food slash shoe collaboration, I want in.

[00:38:42] I want a pudding loafer.

[00:38:43] I'm so kind of.

[00:38:44] Damn, I'm a man.

[00:38:46] We're in pudding for shoes.

[00:38:49] I want a fucking snack pack.

[00:38:51] Yeah, dude.

[00:38:52] I would, you know what I would wear a full body Swiss mist tapioca suit.

[00:38:55] Hell yeah.

[00:38:56] You know, little balls all over it.

[00:38:58] Oh, yeah.

[00:38:59] So low in their shades are like, damn, is mommy and made out of calm?

[00:39:02] No, these little tapioca.

[00:39:04] Yeah, tapioca pudding.

[00:39:06] Remember the first time I had tapioca pudding, I was stoked for it.

[00:39:09] I was excited.

[00:39:11] It was disgusting.

[00:39:12] I think I had heard about it on like family matters or something.

[00:39:17] Like it's been, it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's.

[00:39:20] I heard about tapioca pudding on family.

[00:39:23] I think I was familiar with the concept of tapioca pudding and the excitement of when

[00:39:29] you kind of pudding I didn't know about drove me wild.

[00:39:33] So I was like, mom, I need some fucking tapioca.

[00:39:37] The next time you hit fucking Price Club at the time.

[00:39:39] I remember having it in my neighbor's house.

[00:39:40] It's so funny how like if you were fat as a kid, you're like, how many food memories

[00:39:46] you have.

[00:39:47] Oh, nothing.

[00:39:48] Clothan, dude.

[00:39:49] My most cherished memories are fucking food memories.

[00:39:50] It's funny because it's like, I feel like if you, if you were fat as a kid, you either

[00:39:54] turn into a drug addict or something or you just continue being fat.

[00:39:57] Dude, I remember when we got a microwave and I was like, you don't have drug.

[00:40:00] You don't have access to fucking drugs.

[00:40:02] If I was six and like heroin was an option, I probably would have done it.

[00:40:06] Interesting.

[00:40:08] That's true.

[00:40:09] It's the kind of drug you have an access to.

[00:40:11] Dude, what I was just saying.

[00:40:12] I remember, I remember going around school asking kids if I could smell their fruit by

[00:40:15] the foot wrapper.

[00:40:16] That was literally a move I would do.

[00:40:21] Respect, brother.

[00:40:23] I remember when we first got a microwave, I was stoked because it was a way to melt

[00:40:26] butter faster.

[00:40:28] Because your boy would used to melt butter to dip my sandwiches.

[00:40:33] What kind of sandwich?

[00:40:38] I would make myself a fucking ham and cheese.

[00:40:42] But it was a multi, it was a double decker.

[00:40:44] Damn, bro.

[00:40:45] And I would base the fucking, each side of the fucking bread and fucking butter.

[00:40:50] And I would get it so crispy.

[00:40:53] Fuck, dude.

[00:40:54] That shit was so good.

[00:40:55] We would have been good friends.

[00:40:57] Oh hell yeah.

[00:40:58] Dude, the different kinds of fucking like Nutella peanut butter combinations I was

[00:41:01] fucking with.

[00:41:03] Oh fuck, dude.

[00:41:04] That's honest.

[00:41:05] Again, that's the happiest I'll ever be.

[00:41:07] I used to have a lot of sad little kids.

[00:41:09] Never got into, never had access to Slim Jim's.

[00:41:12] It was like, I remember when I'm getting like a bulk thing of Slim Jim's one time.

[00:41:17] So it was like a six month supply of Slim Jim.

[00:41:20] Yeah, it's gone in a week.

[00:41:23] On in a week and a half.

[00:41:26] Dude, oh my God, that shit rocked.

[00:41:29] Diet Dr. Pepper and Slim Jim's respect.

[00:41:31] I want that right now.

[00:41:32] Diet soda.

[00:41:33] That's a fat little kid.

[00:41:34] I remember that shit.

[00:41:36] That's when I started drinking Crystal Light.

[00:41:42] Please let there be some kind of answer.

[00:41:44] I'm playing GameCube and just pounding Crystal Light.

[00:41:48] Trying to get good.

[00:41:49] Trying to look good for eighth grade.

[00:41:52] I remember, like I would go to my friend's house and like he had soda and I would pick

[00:41:57] soda and I would pick like ginger ale because I thought it was like healthy.

[00:42:00] Healthy of course.

[00:42:02] But then I would have like six ginger ale.

[00:42:03] And I'd be like, what is your problem?

[00:42:06] Dude, I'm watching my health.

[00:42:09] Ginger, it's good for you.

[00:42:11] It's not even really soda because it's for grownups.

[00:42:15] It's from a plant, you fucking idiot.

[00:42:17] Drink your coke's children.

[00:42:19] Now, now look at us.

[00:42:21] We've grown men with plants to piss in in our lives.

[00:42:25] Yeah, dude.

[00:42:27] That's some shit.

[00:42:29] That's a little fucking hack again.

[00:42:30] That's a little life of Stavi baby, life hack.

[00:42:32] Have potted plants so you have somewhere to piss in an emergency.

[00:42:36] I gotta do that.

[00:42:37] I should get a son.

[00:42:38] I'm going to do that.

[00:42:40] This year.

[00:42:41] Yeah, I love it.

[00:42:42] I'm going child.

[00:42:43] Get a child, man.

[00:42:44] That would be so reckless.

[00:42:45] It would be beautiful.

[00:42:46] It would probably like save my life.

[00:42:48] Yeah, honestly, all the energy that you have that you put in it just bullshit, like you're

[00:42:52] always like doing shit just to keep busy.

[00:42:55] That was for a kid.

[00:42:57] That'd be awesome.

[00:42:58] That could be like Bobby.

[00:43:00] You know?

[00:43:02] Why the fuck not?

[00:43:03] I mean, a lot of reasons, but yeah.

[00:43:05] It'd be funny.

[00:43:06] I think it would be so fucked up.

[00:43:07] Because it's just going to have your mind.

[00:43:09] They inherit that.

[00:43:10] Well, it could skip a generation.

[00:43:13] I don't know.

[00:43:14] They might not get how fucked up you are.

[00:43:17] I mean, I think it's a nice loony tunes mug.

[00:43:20] Thanks, man.

[00:43:21] Where'd you get the six flags?

[00:43:22] No, I got it as a little kid.

[00:43:24] Damn, we should go to six flags.

[00:43:25] Well, this broke it.

[00:43:26] Once your foot's better, come to six flags.

[00:43:28] I'll go to six flags, dude.

[00:43:29] I'll go to motherfucking six.

[00:43:30] Well, I'll hit a fucking...

[00:43:31] How about instead of six flags?

[00:43:32] It's a...

[00:43:35] It's an amusement park called Six Ladders.

[00:43:40] I respect that you didn't go obvious, but also no.

[00:43:45] Well, you didn't even know.

[00:43:46] There's a lot there.

[00:43:47] I think I know.

[00:43:48] I think I know.

[00:43:49] I can think of two different words that have six letters in it.

[00:43:51] Both of those are things that I would...

[00:43:52] I don't think you should say.

[00:43:53] And Tas comes up and he's like, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bee, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla,

[00:43:57] bla, bla, bla, bla, bla.

[00:43:59] He does a little tornado.

[00:44:01] And there's an N, and then like exclamation point and pound sign.

[00:44:05] I don't know what's funnier.

[00:44:08] Say in the N word or not saying the N word.

[00:44:10] You know what I mean?

[00:44:12] Definitely let's just stick with not, either way.

[00:44:15] funnier than that. But I think not saying it is funny.

[00:44:19] It's going to be so funny to see how poorly this podcast ages.

[00:44:23] Oh, yeah. You know, in like five years. In not even in six months.

[00:44:27] You think six now? Yeah, because people level out.

[00:44:30] Just going to be like a, you know, like a nannad that does Andrew Dice Clay

[00:44:35] and the balance will be stored, reverse storage of the universe.

[00:44:38] And you think there's going to be an, an anethids vulgar?

[00:44:41] Yeah, who knows? Because I look at like mad TV and like,

[00:44:45] you know, particularly the Snickers, the Snickers sketch.

[00:44:47] Yeah, that's a tough one. Well, it's like, you know,

[00:44:50] obviously that age poorly, but I still think it's funny.

[00:44:53] Yeah. So I don't know. It is funny, but it's like,

[00:44:56] damn, bro, on television. Yeah. Like, like, say this dumb ass

[00:45:00] racist shit to your friends. Yeah. But the fuck you put it on.

[00:45:04] But hey, salute. Yeah. Salute for being on the fucking cutting edge

[00:45:09] of sketch comedy. Yeah. Honestly,

[00:45:11] I bet you the top like hour of mad TV is better than the top hour of SNL.

[00:45:18] Yeah. The best sketches mad TV ever did probably make you laugh.

[00:45:22] I mean, it was, it was so fucking funny, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[00:45:26] So we were talking about doing it, watching that Ken Burns Civil War document.

[00:45:30] Yeah. Yeah. I started watching it last night again.

[00:45:33] And man, that's rough. What happened?

[00:45:35] Oh, yeah. I just couldn't handle it. It seems fucked up.

[00:45:38] It seems annoying as fuck. Well, it's like it's everyone smells like

[00:45:41] this is going to be a really original take, but slavery is bad.

[00:45:45] It was so fucked. It's so fucked up to think about.

[00:45:49] I know. They just were like,

[00:45:51] just raping and beating people and making them like make shirts.

[00:45:57] Yep. Just pick up a flower. Right. Yeah.

[00:46:00] They have just the type of wool or whatever the fuck cotton is.

[00:46:04] Insane to me. Why? That's my hot take.

[00:46:07] Yeah. I think it was also fucked up. Yeah.

[00:46:09] No, but it was, I was getting to me. Yeah. I can't watch.

[00:46:12] Like I said, I'm stupid. I can't really watch anything.

[00:46:15] So it'll make me feel bad.

[00:46:17] Mm hmm. I can't read or learn.

[00:46:20] Yeah. That'll make me feel bad.

[00:46:22] Learning makes me feel good.

[00:46:24] I'm trying to increase my neuroplasticity.

[00:46:26] Mm. That's why you got to really stretch your brain out.

[00:46:29] Get your, get your big ass.

[00:46:31] Don't really stretch your jaw. Mm hmm.

[00:46:33] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[00:46:35] They said, wait to a man's brain is through his mouth. Your cock.

[00:46:42] Yep. It feels like it's going down his toe, but that's going up his brain.

[00:46:44] He's going up in that motherfucking, you skull fuck someone.

[00:46:48] Guess what? I'm helping.

[00:46:49] That's why I plan on helping disabled children.

[00:46:52] Fucking is my next brains. Yeah.

[00:46:54] Until they get bigger and not retarded.

[00:46:57] We're going to fuck that. We start out of your son, man.

[00:46:59] Yeah. Anyway, so I was saying this show is not going to.

[00:47:06] You're going to be comedy gold forever.

[00:47:08] It's good. It's already bad.

[00:47:10] And if you want it to be, it's already there.

[00:47:13] Like we're not claiming this is fucking not offensive and bad.

[00:47:17] That's true. But guess what?

[00:47:18] Sometimes thinking about having sex with a child with a man's

[00:47:22] specifically.

[00:47:23] So we got to go on tour.

[00:47:25] We're touring. We are booked.

[00:47:26] Now we have what like nine cities.

[00:47:30] Yeah, we're doing some shit in the.

[00:47:32] Yeah, we got in Australia.

[00:47:33] We got this venue in LA reached out.

[00:47:35] It's 500 capacity.

[00:47:36] Let's fucking do like a West Coast tour.

[00:47:38] Should we do it right before Australia, actually?

[00:47:40] We have time. If it works out, maybe.

[00:47:42] Why not? The week before we're going to be on the West Coast.

[00:47:45] Yeah. Fuck it, dude.

[00:47:47] Yeah. I mean, there's just so much.

[00:47:50] We should just do half podcast, half stand up.

[00:47:52] Yeah. That way we do a little standy.

[00:47:55] You know what I'm saying?

[00:47:56] As long as I'm better comedy than Adam, that's all really.

[00:47:58] I mean, yeah, of course.

[00:47:59] Thanks, man.

[00:48:00] Dude. Thanks for saying that.

[00:48:02] Let's not get crazy here.

[00:48:05] Adam is funny, but I remember last time we did

[00:48:07] come town classic that come each in our Gordon bid.

[00:48:10] God damn, that got me so good.

[00:48:12] Yeah, that's the thing.

[00:48:13] It's not the podcast is over because we're never going to top that.

[00:48:17] Yeah. That is the platonic ideal of this podcast.

[00:48:20] That's true.

[00:48:20] It's like naming first of all, it's listing things,

[00:48:24] which we love to do.

[00:48:25] But making it gay and making it about sucking dick and eating come.

[00:48:30] Yeah. I mean, come on, dude.

[00:48:31] I don't know. Two race.

[00:48:33] Two race things.

[00:48:33] Great, man.

[00:48:35] Yeah. Yeah, we'll never do better than that.

[00:48:37] But hey, what are you going to do?

[00:48:38] Well, we can remember it smile.

[00:48:40] Probably not.

[00:48:41] You know, it's like, it's funny because like if you're any kind of artist,

[00:48:44] you know, all you all you can hope for is that at some point, you're relevant, right?

[00:48:48] At some point, you do something that people pay attention to.

[00:48:51] And then you do it.

[00:48:52] And then almost 100% of the time it goes away and then you're irrelevant.

[00:48:58] And nobody wants to hear from you, but you still have to live the rest of your life.

[00:49:01] And the guy that did something.

[00:49:02] Right, right, right.

[00:49:03] And for the thing that was done to become each inner gourd,

[00:49:09] you know, you drank from that well, you know, we know what it's like.

[00:49:14] We know what it's like to taste that.

[00:49:16] Oh, fuck.

[00:49:16] And that's the pinnacle of your art is,

[00:49:19] is commissioner Gordon with a big gulp filled with cum.

[00:49:24] He said shivering, waiting for Batman to show up next to that search life.

[00:49:28] But where the fuck is he?

[00:49:32] I learned a long movie.

[00:49:33] His mouth is stuck together with his mustache, just covering his mouth.

[00:49:37] That's like, that's the best thing that I'll ever do.

[00:49:41] You know?

[00:49:42] Yeah, but I think that kind of makes-

[00:49:44] Which is fine.

[00:49:45] Which is fine.

[00:49:46] But it's like, I kind of envy the people that'll, you know, they just do the shitty Brooklyn

[00:49:51] shows and they'll never have a career and they just get to be delusional and imagine

[00:49:56] themselves as like-

[00:49:57] The thing that's going to happen.

[00:49:58] Someday they'll be a great comedian.

[00:49:59] Of course, it never happens and they get to buy a bus and die.

[00:50:03] But they at least get to have that delusion.

[00:50:04] Whereas I know it's over.

[00:50:06] It's over for me.

[00:50:07] That's right.

[00:50:08] I already said-

[00:50:09] The best days are behind you.

[00:50:10] It's just all downhill from here, you know?

[00:50:15] Now that was a good one.

[00:50:19] It's just, it's a life of people remembering when the show used to be good and calling

[00:50:24] me on my home phone to call me Diddy Kong.

[00:50:26] That's like-

[00:50:27] Because you unplugged.

[00:50:29] But you still got docked somehow.

[00:50:32] And at this point I'm like, could just completely racist beating my 19 year old girlfriend.

[00:50:37] Saying you're going to start your own show.

[00:50:40] I got my own show that's-

[00:50:41] I'm on four months serious still.

[00:50:45] Adam's on series.

[00:50:46] Adam's on series.

[00:50:47] Adam has his own cable.

[00:50:49] I was saying the other day, Adam has probably taken life insurance policies out on the both

[00:50:54] And we just don't know.

[00:50:55] He hasn't said anything.

[00:50:56] He's like, I can drive right now, guys.

[00:51:00] Just fucking drives the fucking RV off a cliff and jumps out the last time.

[00:51:04] Like, oh my God.

[00:51:08] My best friends.

[00:51:09] My best friends are dead.

[00:51:11] I guess I'll just take the six million dollars.

[00:51:17] It's a shame that life insurance policies don't work if you kill yourself.

[00:51:25] Because you could kill yourself and like leave it to charity and it'd be a good thing.

[00:51:29] And while it's also like the insurance company should do their due diligence to make sure

[00:51:33] that you're not going to kill yourself and if you can trick them in the thinking you won't.

[00:51:36] You should get the money.

[00:51:37] You should get the money.

[00:51:38] They fucked up.

[00:51:39] You're bad at your job.

[00:51:40] You know, and it's like then you what you got to stage it to make it look like an accident.

[00:51:47] So I'm supposed to like rig up some sort of piano outside of my apartment.

[00:51:51] Just trying to raise a piano.

[00:51:53] That's right.

[00:51:54] Get a piano.

[00:51:55] Just drumming a current piano.

[00:51:56] Just falling from the sky.

[00:51:58] Where's this piano?

[00:51:59] You know, I was on me putting a piano, a grand piano in my apartment.

[00:52:06] I'm like, how's the piano looking boys?

[00:52:08] Pull the switch.

[00:52:09] Then the head.

[00:52:12] Like what happened to Nick?

[00:52:13] It was killed.

[00:52:14] I think by Bruno.

[00:52:17] Popeyes enemy.

[00:52:19] You just come up with all your teeth and piano keys now.

[00:52:23] I remember I was in a Popeye cartoon where they were throwing the piano out the window

[00:52:27] and then running down the stairs and catching it.

[00:52:30] And I was way too old to have this thought process.

[00:52:33] Probably like 16.

[00:52:34] I was like, damn, can you do that?

[00:52:38] Could you be strong enough to a throw a piano out open?

[00:52:45] Is that possible to do that?

[00:52:47] Yeah, dude.

[00:52:49] That's what I thought when I saw the Fantastic Four.

[00:52:54] Fantastic Four is about your, your dick.

[00:52:57] I don't know.

[00:52:58] I love that, dude.

[00:52:59] I said, first of all, I still have, I was like, this part of this depression is I just

[00:53:03] feel so terrible for those SDP guys and the stupid fucking assholes on the subreddit.

[00:53:08] Like going and harassing them.

[00:53:10] That's like, that is such a bitch move.

[00:53:13] Yeah, just laugh at them while we made fun of that.

[00:53:15] And I commented on it a couple of people and they're like, well, why did you fucking mention

[00:53:20] Because it's funny.

[00:53:21] Just laugh at it from the fucking piece of the show.

[00:53:23] We're, yeah, right.

[00:53:24] We're doing something we can all laugh at.

[00:53:25] We didn't go up to them and record us saying they're gay to them.

[00:53:28] Yeah, right.

[00:53:29] Make fun of them having little ass dicks.

[00:53:31] We're not even laughing at them for that.

[00:53:32] We're laughing at them for like posting on there and you're going to go on there and

[00:53:35] say these people should kill themselves or whatever, a lot of them probably will.

[00:53:39] Because you know what, man, you'll get to a point where like, should we take life insurance

[00:53:42] policies out on every one of us?

[00:53:44] That would have been a good ass move.

[00:53:48] We take out life.

[00:53:49] Again, it doesn't work on suicide.

[00:53:52] Yeah, that would be a cool plot for a movie.

[00:53:56] Or a Chuck Paulinic book.

[00:53:59] SP by Chuck Paulinic.

[00:54:04] It's cyber bully enough small dicked guys.

[00:54:07] Into death.

[00:54:08] Ooh, but that's the thing.

[00:54:09] But anyways, five, eight fat thighs with the four by four hoses.

[00:54:12] It's still one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life.

[00:54:15] How are you on there in depressed?

[00:54:17] If you just say poetry, that's if you if you think to express things in those terms, you

[00:54:22] should be at the seller every night.

[00:54:24] That's so funny.

[00:54:25] Just go on stage like a little bit about me.

[00:54:27] I'm five, eight fat thighs are the four by four hoses.

[00:54:31] I mean, that's basic, that's almost me.

[00:54:34] If my digger were like a different different dimensions, that is basically me.

[00:54:38] Yeah, it is.

[00:54:39] It's you in a separate universe.

[00:54:41] I do have fat thighs though.

[00:54:44] But they're muscular with a thigh.

[00:54:46] I wish I got to get bigger thighs.

[00:54:49] I just got to fucking.

[00:54:50] I got out of the gym and I wasted away.

[00:54:52] Yeah, dude.

[00:54:53] Your legs are looking a little small, dude.

[00:54:54] They're as small as hell.

[00:54:56] I got stupid gym legs.

[00:54:57] No, don't.

[00:54:59] Don't do it.

[00:55:00] It looks like a chimpanzee.

[00:55:01] I know it.

[00:55:03] No, I look like a goddamn monkey.

[00:55:06] There's nothing I can do about it.

[00:55:09] You could stop eating bananas by breaking them in half.

[00:55:11] It's not fair to go after me from my appearance, you know?

[00:55:14] Like I've done a lot to improve myself.

[00:55:17] And what are you doing?

[00:55:18] You're insulting the narrative.

[00:55:20] I'm an example of bettering yourself even though you got so very little to work with.

[00:55:27] Little fucked up frame.

[00:55:28] I've got a tiny, I'm a tiny frame.

[00:55:29] I'm a racist midget.

[00:55:31] With a drug problem.

[00:55:32] And I've risen to prominence.

[00:55:35] That's right.

[00:55:36] And I use what little bit is left in my tiny shrivel up black heart.

[00:55:41] That's right.

[00:55:42] To help the people around me.

[00:55:43] That's right.

[00:55:44] And you treat me as such.

[00:55:45] And you call him Diddy Kong.

[00:55:46] You call me Diddy Kong.

[00:55:49] You say I'm worse than stand up than Tom is.

[00:55:53] You fucking kick a man when he's down.

[00:55:57] Hey, man.

[00:55:59] I don't think you look that much like a monkey.

[00:56:02] Thanks, man.

[00:56:03] Monkey said you'd have must have this.

[00:56:04] We're both hot.

[00:56:06] We're sexy guys.

[00:56:07] Yeah, we're hot.

[00:56:08] I love getting my fucking I love being a sexy man.

[00:56:12] Nah, dude.

[00:56:13] It's fine.

[00:56:14] Listen, dude, you could fucking that's all being hot is about.

[00:56:18] No, see, I don't even want to fuck.

[00:56:20] This thing is I can't fuck.

[00:56:21] So what do you want?

[00:56:22] So what is the problem?

[00:56:23] I don't know.

[00:56:24] See, that's the thing.

[00:56:25] I don't know.

[00:56:26] That's the thing.

[00:56:27] I once I started fucking I was like, Oh, who cares that I'm fat?

[00:56:29] Yeah, I don't give a fuck that I look dumb.

[00:56:31] Like if anything, that's funnier.

[00:56:33] Like it makes fucking even sweeter that I look like this.

[00:56:38] Anyone can fuck if they look good.

[00:56:40] That's not impressive, bro.

[00:56:41] Look at me.

[00:56:42] I don't know.

[00:56:43] I mean, the real answer is I'm like just an insane fucking narcissist.

[00:56:46] So everything hurts me.

[00:56:48] You know, success.

[00:56:49] Any kind of scrutiny or whatever, which is like, I don't know.

[00:56:51] I mean, I don't know how to deal with that because it's like if I wasn't just a self absorbed

[00:56:56] piece of shit, I wouldn't have liked.

[00:56:58] And like, yeah, I should have a podcast.

[00:57:01] My opinions matter.

[00:57:02] Right, exactly.

[00:57:03] It honestly is, bro.

[00:57:05] Like you just have to not be like, there's just the extreme unchecked levels of what's

[00:57:10] shitty about you.

[00:57:11] If you just even I'm just saying from being in therapy, like I'm still a piece of shit,

[00:57:16] but at least like every once in a while, some shit like it's helped my relationship with

[00:57:20] my brothers like we're cooler because I'm fucking more open with them.

[00:57:23] I don't know.

[00:57:24] Just go to therapist, dude.

[00:57:26] Worst case scenario, you fucking kill it.

[00:57:28] It doesn't work.

[00:57:29] You kill yourself.

[00:57:30] That's true.

[00:57:31] You know, best case scenario, you know, we fucking died next year in that RV crash that

[00:57:36] Adam has fucking planned when he's tired of being called a bug.

[00:57:41] I guess it could be worse.

[00:57:42] I could be Adam.

[00:57:43] Yeah, dude.

[00:57:44] See, I could be in Adam's position.

[00:57:46] God damn.

[00:57:48] They're so mean to him.

[00:57:51] There are some people are so fucking mean that I know they don't get that it's like,

[00:57:56] that he's literally like one of our best friends.

[00:57:58] It's insane to me.

[00:57:59] You could listen to the show and think that like that we hate Adam that this he's not

[00:58:03] I hang out with the guy every single day.

[00:58:07] You guys hang out more because you live in bro.

[00:58:08] You guys are together all the time.

[00:58:11] You're like he hates him.

[00:58:15] He hates that guy.

[00:58:17] He was if yeah, what he really wants is to for Adam to leave and me to take his place.

[00:58:25] It is useful though because then everyone thinks they can replace Adam.

[00:58:29] It was funny as like, you know, I befriended Liam.

[00:58:32] Yeah, it was a good kid.

[00:58:34] You know, I like him or whatever, but because he's become part of the show now people are

[00:58:37] bullying him about his cystic acne and his fucked up face.

[00:58:40] And I don't think he can handle it.

[00:58:43] A lot of people think they can be in the hot seat.

[00:58:44] No, dude.

[00:58:45] You don't understand Adam has a rock solid constitution more so than literally any of

[00:58:51] You would probably kill yourselves immediately if you had to live one day.

[00:58:53] Oh, yeah.

[00:58:54] I mean, he's pathetic shoes.

[00:58:55] I mean, he's like, Adam's a good, Adam's funny.

[00:58:58] Yeah, he's funny.

[00:58:59] And because of the show, he's just been turned into a punching bag watching his family die.

[00:59:05] Well, like just the biggest losers in the entire world message him about.

[00:59:11] Yeah, call him a bug.

[00:59:12] Say they want to fuck his sister.

[00:59:13] Meanwhile, if they were ever the same room, they could make icons.

[00:59:16] Yeah, right.

[00:59:17] Of course.

[00:59:19] I'm going to fuck your sister's.

[00:59:20] It's like they can't say hi.

[00:59:26] But what are you going to do, man?

[00:59:28] Yeah, that's true.

[00:59:31] Maybe what's the solution?

[00:59:34] Maybe we kill Adam.

[00:59:35] Maybe we should.

[00:59:36] We should kill our friend and make him finally be happy.

[00:59:39] That's right.

[00:59:40] I don't want him to suffer anymore, man.

[00:59:41] Yeah, he doesn't suffer.

[00:59:42] He seems to be pretty nice doing fine.

[00:59:44] He's got a good relationship.

[00:59:46] Got a nice spot.

[00:59:47] Our lives are good.

[00:59:48] You know, he doesn't know everything about that.

[00:59:50] Yeah, I mean, there's some stuff.

[00:59:52] You know, it doesn't know.

[00:59:53] Listen, we got to find out.

[00:59:56] Nate, can we stop for a second?

[00:59:58] Dude, come on.

[00:59:59] Don't tell everyone that we all hit the fucking rest of our lives.

[01:00:02] You'd be here before they met.

[01:00:05] It's a good thing that the podcast says that pause feature.

[01:00:07] I love hitting that pause.

[01:00:10] We also kiss right now.

[01:00:11] We should.

[01:00:12] Damn, I love having my asshole sucked on.

[01:00:19] I forgot to tell you I dimmed the lights before we started the show.

[01:00:22] I'm not going to do it.

[01:00:24] My asshole.

[01:00:25] Sometimes you think my mouth is my assholes.

[01:00:28] Yeah, what the fuck?

[01:00:30] That tastes more like acid.

[01:00:32] It was my assholes.

[01:00:33] Oh, was your ass?

[01:00:35] All right.

[01:00:38] Anyways, back to how we both have sex with Sasha.

[01:00:39] We both have sex with Sasha.

[01:00:40] But wait, real quick.

[01:00:42] Should you kiss my ass now?

[01:00:45] All right.

[01:00:46] But only all right.

[01:00:47] Listen, we got to face the podcast.

[01:00:50] Never tell anyone.

[01:00:51] That Sasha's been cheating on.

[01:00:54] With all his friends.

[01:00:59] Oh, okay.

[01:01:00] Go ahead.

[01:01:01] All right.

[01:01:02] All right.

[01:01:04] We're back.

[01:01:05] And we're back.

[01:01:06] I started to take that quick break.

[01:01:07] But we just had to do some private stuff that not everyone needs to be, you know, not everyone

[01:01:11] needs to be a fucking party too.

[01:01:15] But we're back and we did not kiss each other's assholes.

[01:01:18] That's for sure.

[01:01:19] Yeah, I don't know, man.

[01:01:23] How do you feel having the whip, dude?

[01:01:24] Doesn't feel good to have a car.

[01:01:25] Dude, it feels great.

[01:01:26] I might buy a car.

[01:01:27] You should buy a car.

[01:01:28] You literally should.

[01:01:29] I mean, I want to buy a car and I want to buy a house in like flushing a rego park or

[01:01:32] something.

[01:01:33] That would rock, dude.

[01:01:34] Come to Queens.

[01:01:38] You go to dumplings.

[01:01:39] I'll get dumplings all the time.

[01:01:40] That's the only reason I'm doing it.

[01:01:41] That's why I want to buy a $600,000 house.

[01:01:42] So I can get dumplings.

[01:01:43] That would rock, brother.

[01:01:48] I mean, it's only one day I would like to buy a house in Queens, but I'm still far away

[01:01:51] from that.

[01:01:53] I mean, I'm not even close.

[01:01:55] I got to talk to if anyone listens to the show is like a mortgage guy.

[01:01:58] Actually, I think there was that big dude.

[01:02:00] There's like some guy that wait lifts and listens to Chappo and on our show who messaged

[01:02:05] me before about sending me free shoes.

[01:02:08] Can I have free shoes?

[01:02:09] I think he's a mortgage guy.

[01:02:13] But yeah, I need to figure out.

[01:02:14] Fuck, I needed a mortgage, but I'm already working with some great guy.

[01:02:17] You know, it's funny.

[01:02:18] I work with a Greek guy and his dad ripped off my parents when he did their mortgage.

[01:02:22] Oh, really?

[01:02:23] But there's just like only one mortgage guy in Greek town.

[01:02:25] I was like, ah, fuck it.

[01:02:27] I don't feel like doing any fucking.

[01:02:28] That's why I need to reach out to the autistic community.

[01:02:30] I don't have that is true.

[01:02:32] I'm an S there.

[01:02:35] Much of I get an autistic real estate broker.

[01:02:37] The best guy.

[01:02:38] The best guy.

[01:02:39] Post me up with the train discount.

[01:02:40] The best negotiators.

[01:02:41] You never know where they're coming from.

[01:02:43] Actually, we're going to pay half that.

[01:02:47] Excuse me.

[01:02:50] That's it.

[01:02:51] That's all you have to do.

[01:02:55] No, dude, don't get fucking yoked.

[01:02:58] Fuck your both legs up.

[01:02:59] Stop getting yoked, bro.

[01:03:00] You're gonna kill yourself with the both legs.

[01:03:02] Maybe then.

[01:03:03] Wasp style.

[01:03:04] There you go.

[01:03:05] I did it.

[01:03:07] Oh, fuck.

[01:03:10] What's this Jarvis?

[01:03:11] What does that mean?

[01:03:12] Yeah, check it out, dude.

[01:03:13] I got a standing desk.

[01:03:15] Oh my God.

[01:03:16] Yeah, pretty good.

[01:03:17] You did a standing desk.

[01:03:19] And then I fuck my foot up.

[01:03:21] This is so unnecessary.

[01:03:22] Nah, bro.

[01:03:23] It's cool.

[01:03:26] You have a motorized.

[01:03:27] I'm going to stop.

[01:03:28] How far up does it go?

[01:03:29] Don't keep going up.

[01:03:30] I don't know why.

[01:03:31] No, stop.

[01:03:32] I'm going to make you go down.

[01:03:34] A low rider desk.

[01:03:35] That's right, bro.

[01:03:37] I got a little motorized fucking desk.

[01:03:39] No big deal.

[01:03:41] It doesn't feel cool to do that.

[01:03:45] No, stop.

[01:03:49] Motherfucker.

[01:03:50] Oh, shit.

[01:03:51] I'm sorry.

[01:03:52] My gaming rig is going to ruin my fucking laundry basket.

[01:03:56] Yeah, sounds more like the blaming rig blaming me for.

[01:04:00] I'm sorry for blaming you.

[01:04:01] But else this is blame rig.

[01:04:05] No, Nick.

[01:04:08] So did you want to keep talking about Mark Wahlberg a little more?

[01:04:14] No, I don't know.

[01:04:15] I kind of just want to go home and go to sleep now.

[01:04:18] Do it, dude.

[01:04:19] I mean, that kind of mood, you know.

[01:04:21] You take edibles with me.

[01:04:23] You should do drugs, right?

[01:04:24] Probably not.

[01:04:26] Somebody recommended some 5-HTP.

[01:04:27] What's that?

[01:04:28] I don't know.

[01:04:29] I mean, I really haven't been doing drugs.

[01:04:33] Like I did, I was in like, I was so depressed over the weekend that I like caves and did

[01:04:37] some cocaine.

[01:04:38] That made it like way worse.

[01:04:39] That's the worst way for depression.

[01:04:40] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[01:04:41] And that blow in particular was like...

[01:04:44] Can't fast blow.

[01:04:46] And what wasn't from there, but like...

[01:04:49] Yeah, I don't know.

[01:04:51] Just cut what you're doing.

[01:04:52] The other people I was doing it with were like, yeah, it came down pretty hard off that

[01:04:55] and I had a pretty terrible hangover.

[01:04:57] Ooh, damn.

[01:04:59] That's why I don't trust that shit, dude.

[01:05:04] You never know what's in that motherfucker?

[01:05:05] Yeah, I don't know.

[01:05:06] I just like give you a shitty hangover and sometimes it's dodgeable.

[01:05:09] Probably a bunch of chemicals in that bitch.

[01:05:11] Well, it's a plant, dude.

[01:05:13] You know?

[01:05:14] How you gonna say part of the earth?

[01:05:15] You're right.

[01:05:16] No, you're right.

[01:05:17] The earth is illegal.

[01:05:18] That's like the...

[01:05:19] Crack rock is from the plants.

[01:05:20] It's from the earth, dude.

[01:05:21] That's the crack rockiest.

[01:05:23] Afro-dizia.

[01:05:24] Afro-nation.

[01:05:25] Afro-nation of crack.

[01:05:27] Dude, how you gonna say elite...

[01:05:30] Okay, pedophilia, that comes from the earth.

[01:05:32] Yeah, dude.

[01:05:33] Children are a plant.

[01:05:34] Children are a couple of mother nays.

[01:05:35] I'm gonna make a plant.

[01:05:36] I can't say I can't believe it.

[01:05:37] A boy's pussy is a plant, dude.

[01:05:38] How you gonna say that's illegal for the plant?

[01:05:40] Check out this picture and check out the cells of a fucking...

[01:05:45] One's like a fucking avocado.

[01:05:47] That's a boy's pussy and it's like, what's the difference?

[01:05:48] Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, dude.

[01:05:51] If a fetus is life, right?

[01:05:53] So if you were to find a pregnant woman and reach into a pussy, rip out her fetus and

[01:05:59] fuck it in front of her, that wouldn't be a crime.

[01:06:02] Not even close.

[01:06:03] I'm close.

[01:06:04] Well, no, but a child?

[01:06:05] She did that with a baby.

[01:06:06] As soon as she has the baby, I just fell out of my chair.

[01:06:10] You mixed them out, fell out of a rolling chair.

[01:06:12] Well, I was trying to adjust myself.

[01:06:14] Nice, bro.

[01:06:17] Anyways, if you did it with a baby, that would be...

[01:06:19] I want to become a criminal defense attorney and then just launch defense of my client and

[01:06:25] then purposefully slip on a banana peel.

[01:06:30] Just take it, just eat the biggest load of shit, like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

[01:06:37] And you...

[01:06:38] Yeah, my pants come down.

[01:06:40] Everybody sees...

[01:06:42] Everybody sees my fucked up hose.

[01:06:44] I'm sorry.

[01:06:47] You can't close your cock.

[01:06:48] You can't hide your cock for anything.

[01:06:50] You just keep slipping.

[01:06:54] You fucking mash your cock into the form in the mouth.

[01:06:56] Yeah, it's just a bunch of pencils and scotch tapes out to it.

[01:07:01] Your dick gets stuck in one of the jurors' noses.

[01:07:04] Yeah, right there.

[01:07:05] One of their nostrils.

[01:07:06] The judge's little hammer is just shoved up my dick hole.

[01:07:11] My dick's banging against the walls and just knocking it.

[01:07:15] And everybody has to listen to it because that's who actually controls the court is.

[01:07:19] The hammer.

[01:07:20] Whoever has the hammer.

[01:07:22] It's like Thor's hammer, dude.

[01:07:23] That's right, dude.

[01:07:24] Whoever's holding it.

[01:07:25] That's right.

[01:07:26] Well, that's probably the episode.

[01:07:28] Yeah, that doesn't mean I think that riff will do it.

[01:07:31] Time to damn it.

[01:07:32] I'm just going to keep getting older and hating myself more, huh?

[01:07:36] That's right.

[01:07:37] Yeah, oh well.

[01:07:38] Nah, you'll do better, dude.

[01:07:39] Alright, I can't...

[01:07:40] If there's any ladies out there, look, I'm trying to...

[01:07:43] I'm skipping right to the sun.

[01:07:44] So if you want to catch a nut real quick, I am...

[01:07:47] I'll be honest with you.

[01:07:49] I am pretty good at fucking, but only because I don't feel anything and I'm just sort of

[01:07:53] a robot that knows how to...

[01:07:54] That's right.

[01:07:55] Yeah, I mean, he looks at it as an achievement from Xbox.

[01:07:58] Mostly, it's like I just don't want you criticizing me.

[01:08:00] So I learned how to be good at fucking, so it's not a chore to deal with the emotional

[01:08:04] burden of being bad at fucking.

[01:08:06] Oh, yeah.

[01:08:07] But I didn't enjoy nothing.

[01:08:08] So if you want to...

[01:08:09] If you want to catch a hot fucking load...

[01:08:10] If you want to catch a just an emotionless load...

[01:08:14] And you can catch one of those for me also.

[01:08:18] That's on the table as well.

[01:08:20] Well, both...

[01:08:21] Where's that big pussy girl with the two heads?

[01:08:22] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[01:08:23] You both fuck her at the same time.

[01:08:24] Here comes my friend Rick.

[01:08:27] So listen, guys...

[01:08:28] I just sit on your lap and then she sits on my lap and then we go to the two at the same

[01:08:37] Can Diddy Kong do that?

[01:08:39] I don't think so.

[01:08:40] Probably because...

[01:08:41] I mean, yeah, he's got a little ass monkey dick.

[01:08:42] Monkey's got little dicks.

[01:08:44] That's why I don't like the Diddy Kong.

[01:08:47] I mean, yeah, I know I got a tiny chimp body, but don't tell me I have a chimp dick.

[01:08:51] Don't tell my manes.

[01:08:52] Don't tell me if my fat thighs, 5, 8, 4x4 hosts.

[01:08:58] All right, guys.

[01:08:59] Well, listen.

[01:09:00] Go see Nick at Carolines.

[01:09:02] Yeah, come out, guys.

[01:09:03] Don't be fucking haters either.

[01:09:05] I'm going to do my job and I'm going to do it well.

[01:09:07] August 9th and 11th, is that right?

[01:09:10] August 9th and 11th, go see Nicholas at motherfucking Carolines.

[01:09:13] Don't be a dickhead.

[01:09:14] When we're headlining these places, please come out and make it so that we can keep doing

[01:09:19] Speaking of that, I'll be in fucking Charlottesville on the 17th.

[01:09:23] I will be at Baltimore suspended brewing company on the 18th.

[01:09:27] And I think I'm going to do a little comedy show and art opening with my little brother.

[01:09:30] So if you like my brother's paintings, he'll be, he'll be, his art will be out there too.

[01:09:34] It'll be a nice little party.

[01:09:36] It's my friend's new brewery, so we're going to hang out and get fucked up and shit.

[01:09:39] And then on the 19th, I'll be in Philly at the Good Good Comedy Theater.

[01:09:43] We will also be at the auto bar on the 12th of August, the week before that, doing a live

[01:09:47] podcast will be Cleveland Saturday or I'm sorry, Sunday the 2nd at 420 legalize it.

[01:09:54] A part of the accidental comedy festival doing a live pod there.

[01:09:59] And then the next day we're potting in Boston as part of the Boston Comedy Festival at 8

[01:10:04] o'clock at laugh Boston.

[01:10:07] After that more dates from me, I'm going to be on the road a bunch of September.

[01:10:09] So I'll be in Connecticut, the Fairfield Comedy Club September 7th, I'll be in New Orleans

[01:10:14] and Lafayette, Lafayette on the 14th, New Orleans on the 15th.

[01:10:18] And then I will be in Chicago on the 21st and the 22nd and Detroit on the 23rd.

[01:10:24] And then of course we're in Australia in October.

[01:10:26] So, but that's it for now, gang.

[01:10:28] And I think actually we have a funny mom's, fuck, I don't know if I'm going to be there.

[01:10:31] We have funny moms this Monday.

[01:10:33] But anyway, that's the show.

[01:10:35] That's a little kamtang classical for you.

[01:10:38] So you know.

[01:10:39] I'm feeling okay.

[01:10:41] We're feeling good.

[01:10:42] Nick's not going to kill himself.

[01:10:43] Yeah, not this week at least.

[01:10:45] Don't call him Diddy Kong.

[01:10:46] Yeah, don't do that to me guys.

[01:10:47] And I love you guys and I'm so supportive of you and your endeavors.