[00:00:00] Good news, bad news.

[00:00:25] I didn't write any jokes, but I got a suit in the eye.

[00:00:31] Nick.

[00:00:32] Nick.

[00:00:33] What is it?

[00:00:34] A note?

[00:00:35] Adam, as you know, the monologue has been terrible recently.

[00:00:40] I'm sorry to do this, but if it's not rock star quality today, I'm going to kill myself.

[00:00:46] We are live here at the Brooklyn Bridge where a man is threatening to kill himself if Adam

[00:00:51] doesn't nail the monologue this week.

[00:00:52] This will be the sixth suicide in a year caused by Adam Friedland, the most recent one of

[00:00:57] which the rape victim he did not save because he was wearing flip-flops.

[00:01:01] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

[00:01:03] I can't do this alone, I can't do this alone, I don't know, Nick's dead, I don't know

[00:01:06] what's going on, I can't do this alone, you're fucking fraud, everyone knows you're a fraud,

[00:01:10] everyone knows you're literate.

[00:01:11] Adam.

[00:01:12] What?

[00:01:13] Adam, you have to believe in yourself.

[00:01:17] Nick?

[00:01:18] No.

[00:01:19] Where you dead?

[00:01:20] No, it's not Nick.

[00:01:21] Who is it?

[00:01:22] This is your rabbi, the one who cut the top of your penis off.

[00:01:28] Were you dead?

[00:01:29] I'm, well, yes.

[00:01:30] Oh, well, I'm in jail, basically.

[00:01:31] For lack of a better word, I'm in prison for molesting children.

[00:01:32] I'm on a talk show host now.

[00:01:33] I can see that.

[00:01:34] You know, I never forgot what your penis looked like.

[00:01:37] Okay.

[00:01:38] Anyways, the only reason I'm here in your mind is that I'm not going to be a child.

[00:01:44] Okay.

[00:01:51] Anyways, the only reason I'm here in your mind, buried in the deep subconscious thoughts

[00:01:54] of you being molested by me, is to show up in moments like this and tell, give you, basically,

[00:02:02] be your hype man.

[00:02:04] Oh, I appreciate that.

[00:02:06] No matter.

[00:02:07] You've got to believe in yourself.

[00:02:09] I'm very tempted to use the N word.

[00:02:12] Not, but it's not the soft.

[00:02:15] I want to use a soft.

[00:02:16] Not the time.

[00:02:17] With you.

[00:02:18] Not the time right now.

[00:02:19] To make you feel this is making me feel better.

[00:02:21] You are a soft day.

[00:02:23] You're soft like the A in the N word, which is a mysterious kind of soft because it's

[00:02:30] actually powerful.

[00:02:31] Okay.

[00:02:32] I don't know.

[00:02:33] That's the way you're soft and you need to be soft right now and believe in yourself.

[00:02:37] You are the, you, you are one of the most successful comedy podcasts of all time.

[00:02:42] And I was a big part of it.

[00:02:43] And you were the main part.

[00:02:44] You were there.

[00:02:45] You were the biggest there.

[00:02:46] I was probably everyone.

[00:02:47] I was one of the most favorite parts.

[00:02:50] If you listen back to the clips, the inner girl.

[00:02:54] Anyway, what were you saying?

[00:02:57] That's done.

[00:02:58] Okay.

[00:02:59] You know what?

[00:03:00] For right now, we'll say that's true.

[00:03:03] But you need to nail this now.

[00:03:06] You need to do this well.

[00:03:08] I can't.

[00:03:09] I'm going, I heard the Patreon is going up and I'm going to need you to donate to my legal

[00:03:15] defense fund to get me out of prison for a less seven.

[00:03:18] I really agreed to that.

[00:03:20] Okay.

[00:03:21] And then we'll call it even Stevens.

[00:03:22] I'm less than you.

[00:03:24] But I'm also, I'm gassing you up.

[00:03:27] I'm being your hype man.

[00:03:29] Thank you.

[00:03:30] So it's, it's worth even as I need you to say it.

[00:03:33] We're even.

[00:03:34] I'm not going to say that.

[00:03:36] To the parole board.

[00:03:37] Not to me.

[00:03:39] But I have, I have my parole meeting a month from now.

[00:03:43] I just want you to say that it actually, that's the reason I'm, I'm so successful is because

[00:03:51] you did it with me.

[00:03:53] Not that it's okay.

[00:03:54] I mean, well, doesn't want to do it anymore.

[00:03:55] I'll sleep on it, but I just, I need to get through this monologue right now.

[00:03:59] And you can do it.

[00:04:00] And you can show up to the parole board meeting in a month and you can free me so I can practice

[00:04:06] your brisses, I can, you can, and I guess how about this?

[00:04:10] Three tickets to the next three brisses I do and then 50% off for the rest of the year.

[00:04:16] As long as you know, we understand when, when you're mandatory, you come to the next three

[00:04:22] at the beginning of next year and those tickets are at a hundred and fifty percent of the

[00:04:27] price.

[00:04:28] So it's sort of a discount now, but on the back end you make it up to us.

[00:04:31] It's, it's even Stevens.

[00:04:33] All right, so don't remember, don't ever forget this part.

[00:04:38] You're the soft day in the end word.

[00:04:41] All right.

[00:04:42] Soft.

[00:04:43] Soft.

[00:04:44] Soft.

[00:04:45] They call you soft.

[00:04:46] Soft.

[00:04:47] I'm the softest.

[00:04:48] Soft.

[00:04:49] Oh, okay.

[00:04:50] But when they call you that you say, yeah, like the soft day in the end word.

[00:04:52] I never said that once.

[00:04:54] Well, that's how you do it.

[00:04:55] Anyway, I've got a new app.

[00:04:56] So you get up there and you'll be the softest end word anyone's ever seen.

[00:04:58] No, I'm not going to.

[00:04:59] Okay.

[00:05:00] And you can do it.

[00:05:01] I'm going to do this monologue, but I appreciate the talk and I appreciate the visit.

[00:05:06] But yeah, it's good luck with jail.

[00:05:09] But don't forget to parable it, maybe please.

[00:05:12] Okay.

[00:05:13] You can use semi-en-looking.

[00:05:14] Okay.

[00:05:15] You all have your lawyer semi-en-eye, eye-cow or something.

[00:05:18] Okay.

[00:05:19] Thanks.

[00:05:20] Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Friedland.

[00:05:32] Okay.

[00:05:35] Okay.

[00:05:37] Thank you.

[00:05:40] Okay.

[00:05:41] Okay.

[00:05:42] Thank you.

[00:05:43] Okay.

[00:05:44] Thank you.

[00:05:45] Welcome to the Adam Friedland show.

[00:05:46] I'm your host, Adam Friedland.

[00:05:48] Hey, Guillermo.

[00:05:49] What's up, man?

[00:05:50] I love you.

[00:05:51] You're doing a good job.

[00:05:52] Hey, baby, I love you too.

[00:05:54] And I'm also going to miss waking up to the supportive comments from all of our viewers

[00:05:58] like this.

[00:05:59] Damn, son.

[00:06:00] Adam Friedland can't do sh** without his mama.

[00:06:03] It's not true.

[00:06:05] I could do lots of stuff without my mama.

[00:06:07] Right, mama.

[00:06:08] Right.

[00:06:09] Now, she has to talk at least once for a show, otherwise she doesn't get a check.

[00:06:14] Mama, damn it.

[00:06:15] I'm doing a show right now.

[00:06:16] I like your shows.

[00:06:18] Okay.

[00:06:19] Where are my shoes?

[00:06:20] Well, many of you guys are visiting from out of town.

[00:06:24] Is that right?

[00:06:25] All right, bro.

[00:06:26] Maybe you want to take your asses back home.

[00:06:31] Los Angeles is about to reach what the CDC calls a high COVID community level.

[00:06:36] Yeah.

[00:06:37] And at this point, the COVID numbers are as high as the people who live here.

[00:06:43] Now, why can't COVID be more like Jim?

[00:06:49] Give me Kimball and take the damn summer off.

[00:06:53] That's not the only thing we have to worry about around here.

[00:06:56] According to the new report, California is the ninth most dangerous state for pedestrians.

[00:07:01] Well, yeah, that's why where my mama has her driver's license, right?

[00:07:08] And this is interesting.

[00:07:10] If you're black, they say the most dangerous states to walk are Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia,

[00:07:15] Louisiana, Texas.

[00:07:17] F*** it all of them.

[00:07:20] Now, New York didn't make the top 10, but it's the number one city to see a guy dressed

[00:07:25] like Batman whacking off on the subway.

[00:07:29] A lot of New Yorkers are freaked out right now because the city's office of emergency

[00:07:33] management recently put out a terrifying PSA about what to do in the event of a nuclear

[00:07:39] attack.

[00:07:40] So there's been a nuclear attack.

[00:07:42] Don't ask me how or why.

[00:07:44] Just know that the big one has hit.

[00:07:46] Step one, get inside, fast.

[00:07:50] Step two, stay inside.

[00:07:53] Shut all doors and windows.

[00:07:55] Have a basement?

[00:07:56] Head there.

[00:07:57] If you were outside after the blast, get clean immediately.

[00:08:02] Remove and bag all outer clothing to keep radioactive dust or ash away from your body.

[00:08:09] Step three, stay tuned.

[00:08:12] Follow media for more information.

[00:08:13] All right, you've got this.

[00:08:16] No, we don't.

[00:08:17] And wait a minute, put that back up.

[00:08:20] The craziest thing about this video is that anyone in New York could afford an apartment

[00:08:26] that big.

[00:08:27] Look at that.

[00:08:29] If you could afford to place that big, you could afford your own doomsday bunker.

[00:08:33] Now, we don't have any rules in LA for a nuclear attack, so I made some of them.

[00:08:39] Want to hear them?

[00:08:42] Okay.

[00:08:43] Here's what you should do in the event of a nuclear attack in Los Angeles.

[00:08:48] Step one, roll yourself in a yoga mat.

[00:08:52] Step two, zip up your comfort chihuahua in a purse.

[00:08:57] And step three, kiss your ass and plans goodbye.

[00:09:02] And that's that.

[00:09:03] Now Donald Trump and Elon Musk are feuding with each other right now.

[00:09:08] What a matchup.

[00:09:09] It's alien versus sexual predator.

[00:09:12] Trump claims that when he was president, he could have had Elon Musk drop to his knees

[00:09:19] and beg and Elon would have done it.

[00:09:22] There's nothing Trump likes more than bragging about beggars.

[00:09:25] They're begging me for the wall in San Diego.

[00:09:27] Nancy Pelosi will be begging for a wall.

[00:09:30] Usually people are begging.

[00:09:31] They have to come in and beg.

[00:09:32] Forcing us to beg.

[00:09:33] We beg you.

[00:09:34] They want us to beg.

[00:09:35] Beg for forgiveness.

[00:09:36] They beg me.

[00:09:37] They should be begging me.

[00:09:38] Begging me.

[00:09:39] Begging us.

[00:09:40] Begging strips.

[00:09:41] Dogs don't know it's not begging.

[00:09:42] Trump, I think you forgot about all those times you begged porn stars to have sex with

[00:09:47] you.

[00:09:48] Oh, I don't write him.

[00:09:50] I just read him.

[00:09:52] All right.

[00:09:54] Today was Amazon Prime Day and in Pennsylvania at least one guy got more than he bargained

[00:09:58] for.

[00:09:59] Michael Gundy says he got a horrible package delivered right outside his house in Millville.

[00:10:04] He claims his ring doorbell camera caught an Amazon delivery driver defecating in the

[00:10:10] street on Sunday.

[00:10:11] I do a lot of nasty stuff to him construction.

[00:10:14] That was one of the nicest things I smelled my life.

[00:10:16] Gundy tells China 11 he went back to look at the cameras after his granddaughter tracked

[00:10:21] fecal matter into their car.

[00:10:23] He confronted the delivery driver who was still in the neighborhood.

[00:10:27] Gundy says he handed the driver a water hose to clean up the mess and that just made it

[00:10:32] worst.

[00:10:33] They got on his shoes and on the side of his truck.

[00:10:37] I smelled it.

[00:10:38] I tasted it.

[00:10:39] I just tasted it.

[00:10:40] I don't know if I'm not there.

[00:10:41] Like two hours.

[00:10:42] The dude taking a dump on the side of the road that's on him smelling and tasting it.

[00:10:47] That's on you.

[00:10:50] Of course, the big story today is they announced we got some new emojis on the way.

[00:10:55] Mm hmm.

[00:10:57] There's going to be a ginger emoji for when you're making ginger ale or for when a really

[00:11:01] old dude wants to send you an eggplant emoji.

[00:11:06] And this one, it's called my face when the edible kicks in emoji.

[00:11:13] They also got emojis for maracas and a donkey.

[00:11:16] So it's never been easier to text someone, shake that ass.

[00:11:21] I mean, these are cool, I guess.

[00:11:24] But what we really need are emojis that make it easy to express what's on our minds right

[00:11:29] now.

[00:11:30] Like, oh shit, inflation.

[00:11:33] Or oh shit, COVID.

[00:11:35] Or this one.

[00:11:37] Oh shit.

[00:11:38] Monkeypox.

[00:11:39] Oh shit, racism.

[00:11:41] Oh shit, insurrection.

[00:11:43] Oh shit, I didn't even get nominated for an Emmy again.

[00:11:48] And oh shit, my Amazon guy just took a shit on the sidewalk.

[00:11:52] You know, it's a weird time to be an American with everything that's going on.

[00:12:00] It doesn't always seem to be as great as it used to.

[00:12:03] But it's important to remember that a lot of people still dream of becoming Americans.

[00:12:08] Every week, immigrants from countries all over the world take an oath of citizenship.

[00:12:13] And I don't know if you've ever been to a citizenship ceremony, but they're about as

[00:12:17] exciting as jury duties.

[00:12:20] And during COVID, they've even started doing drive up ceremonies.

[00:12:25] Congratulations.

[00:12:26] You're now a United Statesman.

[00:12:31] And would you like fries with that?

[00:12:35] Now these people deserve better.

[00:12:38] So tonight we invited a group of brand new citizens to come to the show for the introduction

[00:12:43] that they deserve.

[00:12:45] So it helped me out.

[00:12:46] Give it up for Phil Hewitt, the stadium announcer for the Anaheim Ducks.

[00:12:52] We start tonight's celebration with a symbol of our nation, the majestic Paul Eagle.

[00:12:59] All the butts and all the plays that comes to America.

[00:13:07] And now, ladies and gentlemen, your new American citizens from Guadalajara, Mexico, standing

[00:13:16] at five foot nine inches tall.

[00:13:19] He's a professional sound mixer who is deathly afraid of snakes, Orlando, Barrera, Torres.

[00:13:27] From Manila, Philippines, standing at five foot five.

[00:13:33] She's a registered nurse who loves spaghetti and meatballs and BGS, Cora Lou, Cusweda,

[00:13:40] Ike.

[00:13:41] Today, from Havana, Cuba at five foot nine inches tall.

[00:13:47] She's a professional dancer, choreographer and model who hates the sound of barking dogs.

[00:13:54] La Roy, Anja from Taipei, Taiwan at five ten.

[00:14:00] He's a mortgage broker whose go to movie snack is Kit Kats.

[00:14:05] Quo yau hung.

[00:14:07] Today, from Tada Vanya, Hungary, standing at five foot seven.

[00:14:15] She's a stay at home momma makes the best braised lamb and sand people or Shia or she

[00:14:25] Kish.

[00:14:26] Today, from Rotterdam, Netherlands at six feet even.

[00:14:29] He's a software consultant whose favorite TV Joe is 90 day Beyonce.

[00:14:34] Ramanda, step on, run and back.

[00:14:39] From Tijuana, Mexico, standing at five foot four.

[00:14:43] She is a mental health professional who can birth on command.

[00:14:48] Cecilia Cruz.

[00:14:50] And from Lagos, Nigeria, coming in at five foot seven inches tall.

[00:14:58] She's a newlywed whose life goal is to stop her husband snoring.

[00:15:03] Semisola, Trinity, Ade, Deemi.

[00:15:09] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your new.

[00:15:13] American citizen.

[00:15:14] Congratulations to you all.

[00:15:15] And for today, Hollywood Boulevard will be known as Anna Barrera Torres, Cranenburg, Consuela

[00:15:33] Pike, Cruz, Quo, yau hung, kiss, Trinity, Ade, Yemi, I have.

[00:15:42] Did I get that right?

[00:15:44] It took me seven hours to learn it.

[00:15:45] I still don't think I got it right.

[00:15:49] But before we let you go, it wouldn't be America without some lovely parting gifts handed out

[00:15:56] by our founding fathers themselves.

[00:15:59] Here's Benjamin Franklin with our national footwear, American flag clog.

[00:16:03] And Alexander Hamilton, take his time away from his Broadway show to give you porn dogs.

[00:16:12] All right.

[00:16:13] They have a special guest family, Father John Lewis.

[00:16:25] I'm George Tocquev, Washington.

[00:16:35] America's first president.

[00:16:37] Oh my.

[00:16:39] Oh my.

[00:16:41] I cannot tell a lie.

[00:16:46] Corn dogs and crocs are not our proudest achievements.

[00:16:52] What is you ask?

[00:16:55] America's national parks.

[00:16:58] And my gift to you all is a round trip flight to the part of your choice.

[00:17:05] That's right, friends.

[00:17:07] American Airlines are giving you each two travel certificates that you could use anywhere

[00:17:11] in the continental United States.

[00:17:14] Congratulations and welcome to you all.

[00:17:16] And a special thanks to George Sakai.

[00:17:19] Go see his movie, Pause of Fury, The Legend of Hank, which opens in theaters on Friday.

[00:17:25] And guys, we got a great show for you tonight.

[00:17:28] I'm your host, Adam Friedland.

[00:17:29] We got a great show for you guys tonight.

[00:17:31] Stay tuned.

[00:17:48] Hey, man.

[00:17:54] What's going on?

[00:17:55] Great job.

[00:17:56] You saw it.

[00:17:57] I watched.

[00:17:58] Yeah, that was amazing.

[00:17:59] You saw it?

[00:18:00] Great.

[00:18:01] I was going to kill myself.

[00:18:02] Did you get my note?

[00:18:03] Yeah, I saw the note.

[00:18:04] I left the whole note.

[00:18:05] I was on top of the bridge.

[00:18:06] I was going to jump off.

[00:18:08] But you did it.

[00:18:09] Thanks.

[00:18:10] You really think that?

[00:18:12] I think you did an amazing job.

[00:18:13] Did you just, where did you get?

[00:18:15] Did you write that?

[00:18:16] Who wrote that?

[00:18:17] I don't know.

[00:18:18] It just came to me.

[00:18:19] It was just a course through me.

[00:18:20] I was just like, the beats, bits, punchline setups, tags, everything.

[00:18:25] Yeah.

[00:18:26] The George Sakai stuff.

[00:18:27] That was all you.

[00:18:28] Yeah, we got it.

[00:18:29] We got George Sakai.

[00:18:30] Big fan.

[00:18:31] You know what I think it was?

[00:18:32] Yeah.

[00:18:33] I think it was that I was not here.

[00:18:34] No, I don't know.

[00:18:36] With the old show, that would have hurt my feelings.

[00:18:38] It was really scary, actually, what you did.

[00:18:40] I think I've just been, I've been micromanaging you, and this is what you needed.

[00:18:45] All it took to make you come into your own was me threatening to kill myself.

[00:18:48] No, you're my best friend.

[00:18:49] I wanted to do the show with you.

[00:18:50] It's not about me.

[00:18:51] It's about you, both of us.

[00:18:52] I think we need to let you fly.

[00:18:53] No, I don't know about that.

[00:18:54] The Adam Freeman show is finally, it's finally happening.

[00:18:57] No, I, well, okay.

[00:18:59] I appreciate you liking the monologue, but you know, okay.

[00:19:01] All right, I mean, I guess if you say that, don't kill yourself.

[00:19:04] I'll tell you what, I got to run.

[00:19:07] Yeah.

[00:19:08] Because I got another thing I got to do.

[00:19:10] All right.

[00:19:11] I think the key here is you got to be let off on your own.

[00:19:14] Where you going?

[00:19:15] You're on your own.

[00:19:16] I got to...

[00:19:17] I know.

[00:19:18] I go back to the bridge as a girl accusing me of rape, so I got to threaten to kill myself.

[00:19:20] Come on, it's not that kind of show, please.

[00:19:22] Okay.

[00:19:23] Anyway.

[00:19:24] That's my life.

[00:19:25] That's my plan.

[00:19:26] Okay, so you leave it.

[00:19:27] I already got a guest planned for you.

[00:19:28] You got a guest?

[00:19:29] You're going to love it.

[00:19:30] It's going to be a great guest.

[00:19:31] You get out there, I'm going to take off, and it's all you from here on.

[00:19:34] Okay.

[00:19:35] I'll try.

[00:19:36] I won't let you down.

[00:19:37] Yep.

[00:19:38] Okay.

[00:19:39] All right.

[00:19:40] Ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight, you know him.

[00:19:43] You'll love him.

[00:19:45] Dracula.

[00:19:46] Good to see you folks.

[00:20:02] Good to see you folks.

[00:20:03] Hi.

[00:20:04] Thanks.

[00:20:05] Do you put those on?

[00:20:06] I feel like I'm back from the dead.

[00:20:07] What?

[00:20:08] I got headphones?

[00:20:09] Yeah.

[00:20:10] Oh, here I am.

[00:20:11] Just like we used to do in the old neighborhood.

[00:20:12] Yeah.

[00:20:13] Israel.

[00:20:14] Israel.

[00:20:15] Ha ha ha.

[00:20:16] We're in Pennsylvania.

[00:20:17] Transylvania.

[00:20:18] We got a lot of nude visitors to Transylvania because it's kind of a deceptive name.

[00:20:24] Yeah, yeah.

[00:20:25] You're not very welcome, but.

[00:20:26] That must be pretty confusing.

[00:20:27] I know.

[00:20:28] You know, I mean, if you're a lot of my, you know, my guy, you know, the guys that hang

[00:20:33] out with Transylvania, they're not too happy with the tourism industry these days.

[00:20:38] But I tell them, it's like, imagine if you were a racist redneck and you lived in fucking

[00:20:42] black people, Bill, Georgia.

[00:20:44] That's right.

[00:20:45] And somebody, and you know, a couple of the Johnsons and Simmons are planning a family

[00:20:49] vacation.

[00:20:50] No, they wouldn't like that.

[00:20:51] A family reunion.

[00:20:52] They wouldn't like that.

[00:20:53] Why don't we go here?

[00:20:54] Yeah, yeah.

[00:20:55] Very confusing.

[00:20:56] That's right.

[00:20:57] They're in the name.

[00:20:58] We'll go here.

[00:20:59] Yeah.

[00:21:00] And they show up.

[00:21:01] But now you're mad.

[00:21:02] Yeah.

[00:21:03] Now you're mad.

[00:21:04] It's true.

[00:21:05] Yeah.

[00:21:06] Oh, well, it's good to be here.

[00:21:07] Do you mind if I put these on?

[00:21:08] Yeah.

[00:21:09] Oh, absolutely.

[00:21:10] Oh, ahead.

[00:21:11] Go ahead.

[00:21:12] Go ahead.

[00:21:13] I am the Prince of Darkness.

[00:21:14] That's what they say, right?

[00:21:15] I don't know about that.

[00:21:17] But yeah, yeah.

[00:21:18] I don't want to.

[00:21:19] I mean, this is amazing.

[00:21:21] These guys don't know.

[00:21:22] I knew you back when you were.

[00:21:24] Yeah.

[00:21:25] You were a third mic on a comp podcast.

[00:21:29] Yeah.

[00:21:30] That's what they said.

[00:21:32] Yeah.

[00:21:33] Now, look, you got your own goddamn show.

[00:21:35] Who'd you make a deal with to get here?

[00:21:38] I think you know.

[00:21:39] Maybe a friend of mine.

[00:21:40] I think you know.

[00:21:41] You're a friend of mine, folks.

[00:21:42] How about that?

[00:21:43] How about that?

[00:21:44] Yeah.

[00:21:45] Irvin, who's the guy?

[00:21:49] Who's the Eagles?

[00:21:50] What's the name of the manager for the Eagles?

[00:21:52] The guy that when Don Henley killed that girl.

[00:21:55] Yeah, I forgot his name.

[00:21:57] Irv.

[00:21:58] I want to say Azimah.

[00:21:59] I want to say Azimah.

[00:22:01] Yeah, yeah.

[00:22:02] I think that's right.

[00:22:05] Perhaps.

[00:22:06] Yeah, so it's been a while.

[00:22:07] It's been good to see you.

[00:22:08] Yeah, yeah.

[00:22:09] Definitely.

[00:22:10] I think the people have been wanting to hear from you.

[00:22:13] You know, you've been a...

[00:22:14] Now, am I the first guest on the show?

[00:22:16] I think we had Dan Soder.

[00:22:17] Have you seen Billions?

[00:22:19] No.

[00:22:20] No.

[00:22:21] It's on Showtime.

[00:22:22] No, I mostly read...

[00:22:23] I don't have a TV.

[00:22:24] What do you read?

[00:22:25] Scrolls.

[00:22:26] Scrolls, yeah.

[00:22:27] Yeah.

[00:22:28] No.

[00:22:29] Scrolls and letters, I guess.

[00:22:31] Letters.

[00:22:32] Yeah.

[00:22:33] Yeah.

[00:22:34] Yeah.

[00:22:35] Written by in quills and stuff like that, right?

[00:22:36] Incursive?

[00:22:37] Yeah, cursives.

[00:22:38] Yeah, sure.

[00:22:39] Yeah.

[00:22:40] I mean, I'm right in cursive.

[00:22:41] You do.

[00:22:42] But I'm sort of a classic guy.

[00:22:43] I don't really make him this way anymore.

[00:22:44] Yeah.

[00:22:45] That's what I say.

[00:22:46] When I look at you, I'm like, oh, you know.

[00:22:48] Yeah.

[00:22:49] I think I could be existing at any time period.

[00:22:51] And you have.

[00:22:52] You've existed in a lot of time.

[00:22:53] I've lived in a lot of time periods.

[00:22:54] Yeah.

[00:22:55] That's for sure.

[00:22:56] Because I'm Dracula.

[00:22:57] I'm the vampire Dracula.

[00:22:58] So, just to be clear in case people are listening, you don't know when they...

[00:23:03] I'm sorry.

[00:23:04] You know what?

[00:23:05] I have to say.

[00:23:06] That's something a producer of the show would do.

[00:23:07] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[00:23:08] And not the Prince of Darkness himself.

[00:23:09] Oh, I think we said...

[00:23:10] Old friend of Adam Friedland.

[00:23:11] Yeah, yeah.

[00:23:12] We go back.

[00:23:13] We know each other from Jewish summer camp.

[00:23:14] Yeah, yeah, we go back.

[00:23:15] I was a counselor there.

[00:23:16] You were.

[00:23:17] He was the cool counselor.

[00:23:18] I was.

[00:23:19] I was 650 years old.

[00:23:20] Can you believe that?

[00:23:21] He let us sneak out to make out with the girls.

[00:23:23] And now I'm 900, which makes you, what, 250 years old?

[00:23:27] Let's put it.

[00:23:28] Let me retake that bit.

[00:23:30] Yeah.

[00:23:31] Go again.

[00:23:32] 987 years old.

[00:23:34] Yeah, that's true.

[00:23:35] That's right.

[00:23:36] And you were, what, 15?

[00:23:37] I was 15.

[00:23:38] Yeah.

[00:23:39] Yeah.

[00:23:40] No pubes this kid.

[00:23:41] I'm still no pubes.

[00:23:42] 15 years old, they call them no pubes Friedland.

[00:23:45] Yeah, I wouldn't put that.

[00:23:48] I remember, yeah, in his bunk.

[00:23:52] Yeah.

[00:23:53] Everyone, all the other kids, they shaved their pubes off and while he was sleeping, they

[00:23:56] filled...

[00:23:57] I don't know about him sharing this.

[00:23:58] They filled his mouth with pubes, with all of their pubic hair.

[00:24:02] Yeah, well, I think it was inappropriate for you as a counselor to take part in bullying.

[00:24:06] And they...

[00:24:07] And they...

[00:24:08] Well, I didn't take part in it.

[00:24:09] Well, you were laughing.

[00:24:10] I mean, I thought it was hilarious.

[00:24:11] You watched it happen.

[00:24:12] You didn't stop it from happening.

[00:24:13] Well, you know, I'm up at night.

[00:24:14] I was in the middle of the night.

[00:24:15] I got to sleep during the days.

[00:24:17] I don't even know why they hired me as a counselor.

[00:24:19] You were quite a bad counselor.

[00:24:21] Yeah.

[00:24:22] I was just up at night watching all the pranks happen.

[00:24:23] Three kids died.

[00:24:24] We lost three kids lost.

[00:24:27] We lost three kids.

[00:24:28] I just killed them and drank their blood.

[00:24:29] At least I wasn't flocking them.

[00:24:31] Come on.

[00:24:32] Some of those other guys...

[00:24:33] We're on pamper right now.

[00:24:34] Yeah.

[00:24:35] I mean, you think the Catholic church is bad.

[00:24:36] And it is.

[00:24:37] You should see a Jewish summer camp.

[00:24:40] Yeah.

[00:24:41] That's good.

[00:24:42] Jewish summer camp might be actually the number one worst type of camp filled with

[00:24:47] Jews.

[00:24:48] No, I don't know about that.

[00:24:50] Okay.

[00:24:51] He's making a joke, folks.

[00:24:52] Yeah.

[00:24:53] They're worse camps.

[00:24:54] I'm just kidding with Jews.

[00:24:55] You know, it's crazy.

[00:24:56] I kind of...

[00:24:57] Honestly, to be honest, I don't know if you talk about the Holocaust in this show.

[00:24:59] I got to know from your producer.

[00:25:01] We try to stay out of it.

[00:25:02] We try to stay out of it.

[00:25:03] I got to know from your producer that you guys love talking to my family.

[00:25:05] We can edit it around this, if you want.

[00:25:06] We can edit it around this.

[00:25:07] Oh, sorry.

[00:25:08] I'm just saying, but you just...

[00:25:10] Go ahead.

[00:25:11] He said you love Holocaust stuff, but you know, I was the worst guy that could be back in

[00:25:16] fairy tale times where I'm from.

[00:25:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:25:18] In the olden times.

[00:25:19] In the olden times.

[00:25:20] Back in London times.

[00:25:21] In the 1500s, worst guy he could be is Dracula.

[00:25:24] Number one worst guy.

[00:25:25] Yeah.

[00:25:26] Jack the Ripper.

[00:25:27] Right.

[00:25:28] And because I drank literally two bitch, one bitch maybe.

[00:25:31] Yeah.

[00:25:32] I drank her blood.

[00:25:33] Yeah.

[00:25:34] She didn't even die.

[00:25:35] Right.

[00:25:36] She turns into a Dracula, which is now all these fucking whores, one of the...

[00:25:38] That's what they want.

[00:25:39] They want to be a Dracula.

[00:25:40] They want.

[00:25:41] And so I made one bitch a Dracula.

[00:25:43] And now they're all all banging down your door probably.

[00:25:46] Yeah.

[00:25:47] And then you and your friends from camp are doing all this raping for the actresses or

[00:25:52] whatever.

[00:25:53] Anyways, all I'm saying is back in the day I was the worst guy you could be.

[00:25:58] And then we get to the turn of the century and then everybody else is just smashing records.

[00:26:06] Yeah, it's true.

[00:26:07] Yeah, I'm what I'm a fucking...I'm a Halloween costume.

[00:26:10] You've been alive for a long time, right?

[00:26:13] And so I think you're as good a person to ask this question as anyone.

[00:26:17] But what do you think can be done to improve the media these days?

[00:26:22] Improve the media.

[00:26:23] Yeah.

[00:26:24] Well, like I told you, I don't really read.

[00:26:25] I try to stay off social media.

[00:26:27] Yeah.

[00:26:28] You know.

[00:26:29] You can't read the comments.

[00:26:30] Have you ever read the comments?

[00:26:31] No, you think I'm a parasite.

[00:26:32] You should see.

[00:26:33] You should see these blood sucking vampires.

[00:26:35] Right.

[00:26:36] The elephants.

[00:26:37] Right.

[00:26:38] None take it.

[00:26:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:26:40] I don't know.

[00:26:41] What would I do to change the media?

[00:26:43] I think more books.

[00:26:45] Yeah, more books.

[00:26:46] Yeah.

[00:26:47] That's a good...less of sort of the psychothermeral thing now, the TikTok.

[00:26:53] Good.

[00:26:54] I mean, I guess my next question I guess is Chinese, right?

[00:26:57] It's Chinese.

[00:26:58] It's Chinese propaganda.

[00:26:59] And they're spying.

[00:27:00] They're spying on the kids.

[00:27:01] They're stealing their faces.

[00:27:02] You know, the Chinese are the only culture that don't have vampires.

[00:27:05] They don't.

[00:27:06] Yeah.

[00:27:07] Every other type of person, Italian, Irish, English, Romanian, German, like French.

[00:27:14] I don't know about...

[00:27:16] They don't really...

[00:27:17] I think their main thing is the Nazi, the Spider.

[00:27:20] What about Blackula?

[00:27:23] That came after.

[00:27:24] That came after.

[00:27:25] I guess you're right, Black guys.

[00:27:26] I was thinking traditional African folklore.

[00:27:27] Oh, yeah.

[00:27:28] Oh, you're thinking like ASOPs fables.

[00:27:30] Yeah, ASOPs fables.

[00:27:32] Yeah.

[00:27:33] A Nazi, the Spider.

[00:27:34] Is ASOP African?

[00:27:35] I think so, yeah.

[00:27:36] I thought he was Greek.

[00:27:37] Maybe he's Greek.

[00:27:39] Yeah.

[00:27:40] Maybe in my mind gave that...

[00:27:41] Maybe he's Ganes.

[00:27:42] Yeah, I thought he was from Africa.

[00:27:44] Yeah.

[00:27:45] Yeah.

[00:27:46] Maybe I'm wrong.

[00:27:47] Ganes.

[00:27:48] Ganes.

[00:27:49] Ganes.

[00:27:50] Ganes.

[00:27:51] Ganes.

[00:27:52] Ganes.

[00:27:53] Ganes.

[00:27:54] Ganes.

[00:27:55] These guys over here.

[00:27:56] You know?

[00:27:57] All right.

[00:27:58] Yeah.

[00:27:59] So I guess, you know, based on your last answer, my next question is probably...

[00:27:59] But are there any apps on your phone that you can't live without?

[00:28:02] I don't have a phone.

[00:28:03] Yeah.

[00:28:04] Yeah.

[00:28:05] You know, I sleep in a casket.

[00:28:06] I wake up.

[00:28:07] I play the piano for probably 16 hours.

[00:28:10] I write letters to beautiful women whose husband I look like kind of.

[00:28:15] Yeah.

[00:28:16] Well, you can change your face.

[00:28:17] Look with family.

[00:28:18] Yeah, I can change my face, but only a little bit.

[00:28:19] A little bit.

[00:28:20] You still got your type of vibe.

[00:28:22] Yeah, only with them.

[00:28:23] Yeah.

[00:28:24] Like if I go into town, I'll have to put on like a steam punk outfit.

[00:28:28] Yeah.

[00:28:29] You know?

[00:28:30] Yeah.

[00:28:31] And I'll kind of rock that.

[00:28:32] And chicks are into that.

[00:28:33] Yeah, they're stupid.

[00:28:34] They're fucking dumb.

[00:28:35] They're really dumb.

[00:28:36] Yeah.

[00:28:37] They are idiots.

[00:28:38] Yeah.

[00:28:39] I mean, I have like, not only...

[00:28:40] I don't know if you wear your wearing goggles and shit, like steam punk butts.

[00:28:42] Yeah, that's a steam punk.

[00:28:43] A steam punk.

[00:28:44] Because I already have like a whack look to be honest with you.

[00:28:46] Your look sucks.

[00:28:47] Even back in the 1800s or wherever the fuck I'm from, this was a whack look back in the

[00:28:52] day.

[00:28:53] People were like, that guy sucks.

[00:28:54] And but that was when the guys used to know, because a lot of guys dressed like this as

[00:28:57] they knew women were wack, they had whack taste.

[00:29:00] Yeah.

[00:29:01] And so like now, I mean, you could look like...

[00:29:03] You could be like a fucking 300 pound like bald.

[00:29:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:29:08] Yeah, yeah.

[00:29:09] So you're just wearing this to get pussy.

[00:29:13] That's their point.

[00:29:14] No, I'm saying you could do that whatever, however.

[00:29:17] They'll fuck anyone.

[00:29:18] Yeah.

[00:29:19] I mean, I could look...

[00:29:20] I could look regular.

[00:29:21] The fact that they think I might kill them.

[00:29:24] Oh my god.

[00:29:25] They love that.

[00:29:26] It's like they're always listening to these fucking true crime podcasts.

[00:29:30] Yeah, because they're fantasizing about getting Dracula.

[00:29:33] Have you listened to...

[00:29:34] Are you familiar with Red Scare, by the way?

[00:29:36] No, no.

[00:29:37] It's great.

[00:29:38] Is it a Dracula style?

[00:29:39] It's the only thing I listen to, really.

[00:29:40] Okay.

[00:29:41] Well, okay.

[00:29:42] I have to get it on phonograph, though.

[00:29:43] Oh, you get it on one of those?

[00:29:45] You gotta go like this.

[00:29:46] Yeah, I crank it.

[00:29:47] I crank it.

[00:29:48] A little bit of this.

[00:29:49] I crank Red Scare in the castle sometimes.

[00:29:51] Yeah, okay.

[00:29:52] I really like...

[00:29:53] What's her name?

[00:29:54] Who's there?

[00:29:55] All right.

[00:29:56] What's the one's name?

[00:29:58] Jamie Lee Curtis.

[00:29:59] Jamie Lee Curtis from the Red Scare podcast.

[00:30:01] Red Scare, yeah.

[00:30:03] Anyway, so I gotta ask.

[00:30:06] Okay.

[00:30:07] So a lot of people have argued that the primary threat posed by Dracula is that you will seduce

[00:30:15] and you will penetrate and then you will drain other males of their blood or life force.

[00:30:23] And, in other words, it kind of serves as a proxy for homosexual desire and blood serves

[00:30:30] as a proxy, therefore, for semen.

[00:30:34] So what's all that about?

[00:30:37] You know, they asked me the same question on Chappo Trap House.

[00:30:40] You think?

[00:30:41] Yeah.

[00:30:42] Fuck.

[00:30:43] About the Christopher Lash essay about it.

[00:30:44] Christopher Croft.

[00:30:45] Christopher Croft.

[00:30:46] Yeah.

[00:30:47] And it made me really look like a dumbass.

[00:30:48] Yeah.

[00:30:49] I tell you, I'm sure you can relate.

[00:30:51] I'm...

[00:30:52] Yeah.

[00:30:53] Always making an ass out of himself.

[00:30:55] One way or the other.

[00:30:57] So what are you doing?

[00:30:58] You're getting this place painted?

[00:30:59] Yeah, we're gonna paint it.

[00:31:00] We're doing some work around here.

[00:31:01] Yeah, we got a guy.

[00:31:02] Yeah.

[00:31:03] And then we're gonna build a set.

[00:31:04] We're gonna make a...

[00:31:05] This can look really expensive.

[00:31:06] That's awesome, dude.

[00:31:07] You're doing a...

[00:31:08] It's pretty cool.

[00:31:09] You're killing it right now.

[00:31:10] The degree of professionalism that you guys have embraced is...

[00:31:12] I know.

[00:31:13] It's really amazing.

[00:31:14] It's really...

[00:31:15] It's Nick had the vision and I'm just kind of...

[00:31:17] It's like I'm talking to like a real entertainer now.

[00:31:19] Thank you.

[00:31:20] I feel like I'm talking to Johnny Carson.

[00:31:22] I used to be pathetic.

[00:31:23] Yeah.

[00:31:24] People hate it, man.

[00:31:26] You're like a...

[00:31:27] No, it's...

[00:31:28] It's like a real TV show.

[00:31:29] It's like a real TV show.

[00:31:30] This is like a real TV.

[00:31:31] This is like a real TV.

[00:31:32] This is like a real TV.

[00:31:33] This is so fun.

[00:31:34] Yeah.

[00:31:35] We got cameras going on in.

[00:31:36] Yeah.

[00:31:37] We got the whole thing.

[00:31:38] Yeah.

[00:31:39] I mean, I can't...

[00:31:40] I'm sitting like a gay guy.

[00:31:41] I know.

[00:31:42] Watching you now, though, it's like I can imagine this...

[00:31:43] Yeah.

[00:31:44] This right here cutting right to like a Microsoft commercial.

[00:31:47] Right.

[00:31:48] This is like mainstream.

[00:31:49] I know.

[00:31:50] Dude, this is mainstream.

[00:31:51] You know, you got a guy.

[00:31:52] Did you like anyone suggest you get like an animal guy?

[00:31:56] We got to get an animal guy.

[00:31:57] We've been talking about this.

[00:31:58] Yeah.

[00:31:59] We've been talking about this.

[00:32:00] What animal would you have on?

[00:32:01] Oh my God.

[00:32:02] Amarmous that?

[00:32:03] Yeah.

[00:32:04] Amarmous that?

[00:32:05] I don't know what the word is.

[00:32:06] Marmot.

[00:32:07] Marmot.

[00:32:08] Marmot.

[00:32:09] Like a little...

[00:32:10] Like a little muskrat kind of guy.

[00:32:11] Marmot.

[00:32:12] Snakes.

[00:32:13] I don't know.

[00:32:14] Maybe a wallaby.

[00:32:15] One of the small kangaroos.

[00:32:16] Okay.

[00:32:17] So yeah.

[00:32:18] I've been meeting to ask you.

[00:32:20] When someone asks for like a music recommendation, what orders are banned?

[00:32:25] Do you always recommend?

[00:32:27] Oh.

[00:32:28] What?

[00:32:29] Liberace.

[00:32:30] Yeah.

[00:32:31] He's good.

[00:32:32] He's good.

[00:32:33] Well, you know, I just like pianos.

[00:32:34] I like candelabros.

[00:32:35] I like that big melty candles.

[00:32:38] Like out of tune piano.

[00:32:40] That's kind of cool to me.

[00:32:41] Yeah.

[00:32:42] Spooky.

[00:32:43] Like pirate ship music.

[00:32:44] Yeah.

[00:32:45] Like a pumpkin that is like a doorbell.

[00:32:48] Like a musical.

[00:32:49] A pumpkin doorbell.

[00:32:50] Yeah.

[00:32:51] Yeah.

[00:32:52] It's like a trick or treat.

[00:32:53] There's a song.

[00:32:54] That kind of stuff I like.

[00:32:56] Yeah.

[00:32:57] Do you think like...

[00:32:58] Are you a musician?

[00:32:59] I'd play a little like acoustic guitar.

[00:33:01] Yeah.

[00:33:02] Singing or songwriter.

[00:33:03] Kind of acoustic singer songwriter.

[00:33:05] Alt country.

[00:33:06] Kind of like a townsman's aunt.

[00:33:08] Bob Dylan.

[00:33:09] Yeah.

[00:33:10] Are you good?

[00:33:11] Not very good.

[00:33:12] Yeah.

[00:33:13] It's very heartfelt.

[00:33:14] I've been playing piano for 700 years.

[00:33:16] Yeah.

[00:33:17] How'd you get?

[00:33:18] Are you good?

[00:33:19] No.

[00:33:20] You do organ or just piano?

[00:33:21] No.

[00:33:22] You don't do like a big three.

[00:33:23] No, that's the grand duke of owls.

[00:33:25] I just have a cassia.

[00:33:28] Is that offensive?

[00:33:30] Was that offensive?

[00:33:31] Yeah.

[00:33:32] It's kind of like if you had Muhammad Ali on and you were like, so you set the record

[00:33:35] for eating the most fried chicken of all time.

[00:33:37] Right.

[00:33:38] And it's like, no, that's Joey Chestnut.

[00:33:39] Yeah.

[00:33:40] Yeah.

[00:33:41] Not even a black guy.

[00:33:42] Not even a black guy.

[00:33:43] Yeah.

[00:33:44] And I'm still confusing him with the greatest.

[00:33:45] Yeah.

[00:33:46] Muhammad.

[00:33:47] How crazy is it that the world competition for eating chicken wings is between a Japanese

[00:33:53] guy and some white guy named Joey Chestnut?

[00:33:56] Yeah.

[00:33:57] Yeah.

[00:33:58] You know?

[00:33:59] Yeah.

[00:34:00] I think.

[00:34:01] I don't know.

[00:34:02] It's crazy.

[00:34:03] I wouldn't attach it.

[00:34:04] It's more shocking than if those were the front runners at the biggest dick in the world

[00:34:05] contest.

[00:34:06] It's true.

[00:34:07] Yeah.

[00:34:08] You know what I mean?

[00:34:09] Yeah.

[00:34:10] I know what you mean.

[00:34:11] Yeah.

[00:34:12] Do you have another question?

[00:34:13] Do you want to?

[00:34:14] I mean, it's good to be here.

[00:34:18] Maybe you can ask me about, and again, not to produce your show.

[00:34:22] I think you're doing a great job, but you can be like some projects I have going on.

[00:34:25] Yeah.

[00:34:26] What am I doing here in New York?

[00:34:27] Yeah.

[00:34:28] What do you, you're obviously here to promote a show, something.

[00:34:31] You want to give a little plug on the show or something?

[00:34:35] Well, you know, everything was kind of locked down from COVID.

[00:34:37] Yeah.

[00:34:38] It was hard.

[00:34:39] Yeah.

[00:34:40] It was hard.

[00:34:41] I was doing the, I was doing the show from home.

[00:34:42] My PJ is.

[00:34:43] Well, I went to go, I wanted to come in to see Hamilton, which I knew nothing about.

[00:34:49] And I, I didn't realize it was gay.

[00:34:53] I didn't realize it was.

[00:34:54] No, it's very gay.

[00:34:55] Well, I saw the clothes and I was like, oh, this is for Dracula's.

[00:34:58] It's kind of a Dracula vibe.

[00:35:00] I thought this was wrapping Dracula play, but it's about the Revolutionary War, which if

[00:35:06] you're as old as I am, that's like Zoom or shit, basically.

[00:35:09] That's a new stuff.

[00:35:10] That's like yesterday.

[00:35:11] I mean, it just, I don't give a fuck.

[00:35:13] What the fuck is America?

[00:35:14] Yeah, it's boring.

[00:35:15] Yeah.

[00:35:16] You know, it's just a blip of pimple.

[00:35:17] People complaining about Joe Biden because he's sleepy.

[00:35:20] It's like, you know, you know, who's president when I was your age?

[00:35:23] A guy that would eat people.

[00:35:25] Yeah.

[00:35:26] He took over half the world.

[00:35:27] Yeah.

[00:35:28] Yeah.

[00:35:29] Oh, Genghis Khan.

[00:35:30] Yeah, either him or one of the other, one of the other Chinese guys.

[00:35:32] That's why I don't trust him.

[00:35:33] Pissed off Chinese.

[00:35:34] Their main guy, their hero was basically a vampire and he took over the world and then

[00:35:39] did nothing with it.

[00:35:40] He didn't build anything.

[00:35:41] Yeah, it's true.

[00:35:42] Didn't create a language.

[00:35:43] Yeah, it's true.

[00:35:44] They just kept taking shit over.

[00:35:46] I don't know.

[00:35:47] I don't know.

[00:35:48] Maybe they had some influence.

[00:35:49] I was there.

[00:35:50] Yeah.

[00:35:51] Maybe they got some chicks along the way.

[00:35:53] You know what I mean?

[00:35:54] That it, yeah.

[00:35:55] Probably.

[00:35:56] Cold.

[00:35:57] Very cold.

[00:35:58] Yeah.

[00:35:59] It is funny to imagine Chinese Vikings going town to town and then pulling the women out

[00:36:04] of the homes and violently raping them.

[00:36:06] But then the women are just, their dicks are small.

[00:36:08] So the women are just not reacting.

[00:36:10] The women are just like, what are you doing?

[00:36:13] I don't know about that.

[00:36:15] The village is burning down.

[00:36:16] They're like, what are you doing right now?

[00:36:18] Actually, the Mongolians were known for being quite the cause.

[00:36:21] Mongolians had big dicks.

[00:36:22] Hoxmen.

[00:36:23] I think you're thinking of Mongoloids.

[00:36:24] Oh, pongoloids.

[00:36:25] Mongoloids.

[00:36:26] Yeah.

[00:36:27] I forgot about that.

[00:36:28] Yeah.

[00:36:29] Shit.

[00:36:30] I was confused at that.

[00:36:31] Yeah.

[00:36:32] Yeah.

[00:36:33] That's like a mentally handy hat person.

[00:36:34] Mongols.

[00:36:35] Mongols, Mongoloids and Mongolians.

[00:36:37] Mongolians.

[00:36:38] Which is the name of my stand up comedy album released recorded.

[00:36:42] Oh, you're going to stand up these days.

[00:36:44] Yeah.

[00:36:45] Live in the Dark Horse Saloon in Bel Air, Maryland.

[00:36:53] Oh, how many have a degree?

[00:36:55] Yeah, and have a degree.

[00:36:57] My album.

[00:36:58] Let me make sure my hair is correct.

[00:37:00] All right.

[00:37:01] Well, I'm trying out a new comedian haircut.

[00:37:05] Sort of the chairman Mal.

[00:37:06] Kind of.

[00:37:07] Yeah.

[00:37:08] It's Dracula slash Maryland comedian.

[00:37:11] I'm trying that out.

[00:37:16] And yeah, I recorded an album called Mongols, Mongoloids and Mongolians.

[00:37:20] Live in the Dark Horse Saloon in Bel Air, Maryland.

[00:37:24] It's like you laugh and you'll learn.

[00:37:25] Yeah.

[00:37:26] You know, my opening bit is about how I have a cat.

[00:37:29] My parents got me a casket right next to theirs.

[00:37:31] I guess so.

[00:37:32] Matching theirs.

[00:37:33] That's kind of sad.

[00:37:34] Yeah, you should have a guy like that on this show.

[00:37:36] Yeah, obviously your parents would get you a casket because you sleep in my parents.

[00:37:41] My parents didn't buy me shit, dude.

[00:37:42] I'm not one of these new vampires.

[00:37:44] Oh, really?

[00:37:45] Yeah, it moves to Transylvania.

[00:37:47] Daddy Mommy got them fucking got them their hormone pills and their fucking casket.

[00:37:53] I worked my way up.

[00:37:55] Yeah.

[00:37:56] Yeah.

[00:37:57] Who did you get Dracula by?

[00:37:59] Nobody Dracula'd me.

[00:38:00] I'm like ethnically a vampire.

[00:38:03] Oh, you're born a Dracula?

[00:38:05] Yeah.

[00:38:06] I was your parents were bats or something?

[00:38:09] I was a knight that participated in one of the crusades and while I was crusading, my

[00:38:19] girlfriend went on a rider.

[00:38:22] She got word that I had died in battle while I did battle for God and she killed herself.

[00:38:28] So I came home and I saw her dead and I couldn't believe that God would do this to me.

[00:38:35] So I desecrated a statue of Jesus and that I cursed my own soul in doing so and that

[00:38:43] turned me into a vampire.

[00:38:46] So, have you ever had a threesome or role player?

[00:38:52] Yeah.

[00:38:53] Yeah, actually I was way too asking that, honestly.

[00:38:56] Yeah.

[00:38:57] It's kind of a crazy story.

[00:38:59] I was talking to this girl at a bar and I didn't realize that she, her friend was there

[00:39:07] and so then I thought there were lesbians.

[00:39:09] Yeah.

[00:39:10] And then, yeah, I thought there were lesbians but then they said, do you want to, they were

[00:39:15] like way too drunk and they were like, do you want to come back to our hotel room and

[00:39:19] I did.

[00:39:20] You went back to the hotel with them?

[00:39:22] Yeah.

[00:39:23] And I, I mean, I think we had sex, I guess.

[00:39:25] I never, I kind of, they were, seemed sort of incapacitated.

[00:39:30] So you put these lesbians.

[00:39:31] Yeah.

[00:39:32] But that must be nice for a Dracula if they're, you know, it's that time of the month, you

[00:39:37] know what I mean.

[00:39:38] Well, no, it's a different, that's mostly uterine lining.

[00:39:41] Oh, it's not blood.

[00:39:42] Which does nothing for me.

[00:39:43] That's basically the crystal light of the.

[00:39:45] Really?

[00:39:46] It doesn't do anything.

[00:39:47] It's disgusting.

[00:39:48] It's nasty.

[00:39:49] Yeah, it's gross.

[00:39:50] What does it taste like?

[00:39:51] Like pennies or something?

[00:39:52] Uh, metallic vibe.

[00:39:53] Yeah.

[00:39:54] Kind of.

[00:39:55] Yeah.

[00:39:56] That's not saying, A, they're stupid and B, they're, they're anemic.

[00:40:00] They're so fucking lazy.

[00:40:02] I would honestly, if anything, I would prefer to drink the blood of a, like a little Danish

[00:40:06] boy, you know, like a guy that tastes like a chocolate or something.

[00:40:11] Yeah, who's just been, he's been wearing shorts that are way too tight his entire life.

[00:40:15] Yeah.

[00:40:16] Just riding his, riding his antique bicycle around this stupid town.

[00:40:19] Yeah.

[00:40:20] He's like kind of a woman's style haircut.

[00:40:22] Yeah.

[00:40:23] I'm going to do the arguments with an old man wearing a Newsy cap.

[00:40:27] One of those, your blood tastes like, like Mandarin oranges.

[00:40:32] Ooh.

[00:40:33] Yeah.

[00:40:34] That's nice.

[00:40:35] Yeah.

[00:40:36] I like that.

[00:40:37] Yeah.

[00:40:38] Yeah.

[00:40:39] You told me that?

[00:40:40] Jeffrey Epstein.

[00:40:41] He did.

[00:40:42] Yeah.

[00:40:43] Friend of yours.

[00:40:44] Well, I never met him.

[00:40:45] You know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm never met him.

[00:40:46] No, I was, I just happened to be.

[00:40:47] I'm not on the list.

[00:40:48] I'm not on the list.

[00:40:49] I'm having to be in jail with him.

[00:40:50] Oh, you were a gentleman.

[00:40:51] Yeah.

[00:40:52] I was stealing Rolexes in Chinatown.

[00:40:53] And, uh, right.

[00:40:54] Yeah.

[00:40:55] That's the jail down there.

[00:40:56] And I just happened to be down there while he was down there.

[00:40:58] Yeah.

[00:40:59] The jail is in Chinatown.

[00:41:00] It is.

[00:41:01] Yeah.

[00:41:02] It's true.

[00:41:03] They never said that.

[00:41:04] That he killed himself in Chinatown.

[00:41:05] It's very funny to imagine, uh, he was killed.

[00:41:06] Right.

[00:41:07] A bunch of Chinese people walking around.

[00:41:09] Yeah.

[00:41:10] And they don't realize that they don't know who Jeffrey Epstein is.

[00:41:14] Yeah.

[00:41:15] They don't know.

[00:41:16] He's like right over there.

[00:41:17] Yeah.

[00:41:18] They don't know he's right there.

[00:41:19] Yeah.

[00:41:20] Yeah.

[00:41:21] Yeah.

[00:41:22] Yeah.

[00:41:23] For sure.

[00:41:24] You ever, what's your favorite kind of Chinese food?

[00:41:25] Not to, not to do the thing again where I turn into the interview.

[00:41:28] No, no, no.

[00:41:29] This is like a loose show.

[00:41:30] I keep up to a weird thing happening with my head.

[00:41:32] I feel like I'm getting, I'm getting real dizzy or something like that.

[00:41:36] About to have a stroke.

[00:41:37] I don't know.

[00:41:38] It's been happening recently.

[00:41:39] Really?

[00:41:40] Yeah.

[00:41:41] In general, you got to take care of yourself.

[00:41:43] I'm trying to, but half my head will go numb.

[00:41:44] You need to vacation.

[00:41:45] You need a vacation.

[00:41:47] To where?

[00:41:48] I don't know.

[00:41:49] I can, I can only go out at night.

[00:41:50] I can go to laser tag or cosmic bowling.

[00:41:52] There's the only two things I can do.

[00:41:54] I mean, if you were planning your perfect vacation, like would you prefer like an action

[00:41:59] packed vacation or more of like a sleepy beach relaxing kind of time?

[00:42:03] Okay, go to the beach.

[00:42:05] You can go at night.

[00:42:06] Well, it's dangerous.

[00:42:07] It's beautiful.

[00:42:08] There's no lifeguards.

[00:42:09] Have you seen the beach?

[00:42:11] The movie, the beach.

[00:42:12] The movie, the beach.

[00:42:13] Yes.

[00:42:14] You remember when he's in the ocean with the chick?

[00:42:16] Yeah.

[00:42:17] And they're like making out and they got those like bioluminous.

[00:42:19] Right.

[00:42:20] And they're like, oh, that's real.

[00:42:21] Have you seen the movie old?

[00:42:22] No, I haven't seen it, but I heard about it.

[00:42:25] Yeah, I thought, I thought what would happen if I went to that beach?

[00:42:28] Yeah.

[00:42:29] And I thought maybe this, the hell that you live in where you can never die.

[00:42:34] Right.

[00:42:35] Maybe if you went to the old beach, right?

[00:42:36] Yeah.

[00:42:37] Yeah, that would be great.

[00:42:38] That'd be great.

[00:42:39] Yeah.

[00:42:40] But is it, did you find it or what the beach?

[00:42:42] Yeah.

[00:42:43] No, it's a fictional thing from a movie.

[00:42:45] Okay.

[00:42:46] I'm just, I'm Dracula.

[00:42:48] Oh, you got more questions?

[00:42:51] I got a couple of questions.

[00:42:52] Sorry.

[00:42:53] I feel like I'm real.

[00:42:54] No, no, no, no.

[00:42:55] It's not you.

[00:42:56] I feel like I got some, some weird going on with my brain here.

[00:42:59] What's going on?

[00:43:00] I don't know.

[00:43:01] I feel like I'm about to collapse.

[00:43:02] Really?

[00:43:03] Yeah.

[00:43:04] Should we power through?

[00:43:05] Yes.

[00:43:06] Let's continue the, what's going on?

[00:43:08] You got some?

[00:43:09] Checkman time.

[00:43:10] Oh, you're in a rush.

[00:43:11] We got 15 minutes.

[00:43:13] You got 15 more minutes for your own show.

[00:43:18] I know, I'll go late.

[00:43:20] I'll go late.

[00:43:21] What do you have?

[00:43:22] I'm doing this for the show.

[00:43:23] What are you doing?

[00:43:24] I don't know.

[00:43:25] I have to be in one scene.

[00:43:26] I have one line, but I'll do it.

[00:43:28] It's so weak.

[00:43:29] What's the line?

[00:43:30] Maybe we can practice right now.

[00:43:31] I haven't even read the script.

[00:43:33] So you're just showing up to something?

[00:43:35] Are you sure it's a movie and not a pornography?

[00:43:37] I think it's a movie.

[00:43:38] Yeah.

[00:43:39] Yeah.

[00:43:40] Yeah.

[00:43:41] What's the line do you think?

[00:43:42] I don't know.

[00:43:43] Like, that's a whole I'd like to fail.

[00:43:45] Something, something like that.

[00:43:47] Yeah.

[00:43:48] Okay.

[00:43:49] You think that was good?

[00:43:53] Next question.

[00:43:54] So what's the weirdest crush you've ever had?

[00:43:59] Let me think.

[00:44:00] What is the weirdest crush I've ever had?

[00:44:06] An ice cream truck man.

[00:44:08] No way.

[00:44:09] Yeah.

[00:44:10] And I'm not gay.

[00:44:11] No way.

[00:44:12] Yeah.

[00:44:13] Are you for real?

[00:44:14] Well, I was so excited to see the ice cream truck.

[00:44:16] And I don't know.

[00:44:17] Like the idea that this guy just lives in a truck filled with ice cream.

[00:44:21] And he sort of represented freedom.

[00:44:24] And in that moment, I think I was eight years old, I was like, I want to fuck this guy.

[00:44:27] I don't even know what that meant.

[00:44:29] Yeah.

[00:44:30] That was around during the pre-crusades era.

[00:44:32] Yeah.

[00:44:33] Well, it was a rickshaw.

[00:44:34] They're the Chinese guy.

[00:44:35] Chinese guy.

[00:44:36] Whole around ice cream rickshaw.

[00:44:37] Yeah.

[00:44:38] Ice cream rickshaw.

[00:44:39] Yeah.

[00:44:40] Classic.

[00:44:41] Yeah.

[00:44:42] Not to be confused with the rapper, Ice Cream Rickshaw.

[00:44:43] He may be familiar with this classic in Chinese diamonds.

[00:44:54] I don't know.

[00:44:56] Yeah.

[00:44:57] Thanks.

[00:44:58] Thanks.

[00:44:59] Very good.

[00:45:00] Yeah.

[00:45:01] So you did you Dracula him?

[00:45:03] You bid him?

[00:45:04] Oh, no.

[00:45:05] I was I wasn't Dracula yet.

[00:45:07] If you remember the story, my girlfriend she killed herself while I was in the war.

[00:45:12] Yeah.

[00:45:13] Yeah.

[00:45:14] Yeah.

[00:45:15] So you lost your wife, right?

[00:45:16] Sure.

[00:45:17] You became a Dracula.

[00:45:18] Yeah, my girlfriend, she wasn't my wife.

[00:45:19] You're a girlfriend.

[00:45:20] Yeah.

[00:45:21] We were going to get married when I got back.

[00:45:22] If she had been my wife and she fucking killed herself while I was at war, I'd say, whoop.

[00:45:24] Thank God.

[00:45:25] Thank God.

[00:45:26] No, I can get one of these Asians.

[00:45:27] Yeah.

[00:45:28] It's better than what they...

[00:45:29] That's mainly why I don't like them is because, you know, I was...

[00:45:32] I'm getting just Romanian dog pussy.

[00:45:34] Yeah.

[00:45:35] And then here comes this Genghis Khan guy and you see the man and you're like, what the

[00:45:39] fuck is that?

[00:45:40] But then the women?

[00:45:41] And you're like, I could have been fucking this.

[00:45:43] Yeah.

[00:45:44] What are they running away from?

[00:45:45] You know, why are they conquering the world when they got those back at home?

[00:45:48] They already got the choices pie hole in the whole world.

[00:45:52] That's what I'm saying, right?

[00:45:53] Yeah.

[00:45:54] That's what I'm saying, really.

[00:45:55] Yeah.

[00:45:56] Yeah.

[00:45:57] Yeah.

[00:45:58] It's true.

[00:45:59] So you were talking about how you write letters to women?

[00:46:00] I do.

[00:46:01] Yeah.

[00:46:02] So what kind of shit do you put in?

[00:46:03] Like, you know, what do you got to say to a bitch?

[00:46:05] Fuck you, bitch.

[00:46:06] Phoebe Robinson is in funny.

[00:46:07] You know.

[00:46:08] You saying that?

[00:46:09] Yeah.

[00:46:10] You know, like kill yourself.

[00:46:12] Like, men don't, you know, men don't find you attractive.

[00:46:15] I, you know, like Lindy West, you're disgusting.

[00:46:18] You're fucking, and then I'll sit there.

[00:46:20] I'll write him a cursive and then dip wax and then mail him off.

[00:46:24] Do this thing?

[00:46:25] Do.

[00:46:26] Yeah.

[00:46:27] Yeah.

[00:46:28] Yeah.

[00:46:29] Yeah.

[00:46:30] Yeah.

[00:46:31] I get my feather out and I write a letter to, yeah, I write a cursive letter to a bitch.

[00:46:32] Yeah.

[00:46:33] To all the bitches in media.

[00:46:34] Yeah.

[00:46:35] Yeah.

[00:46:36] Do your Hillary Clinton fuck you.

[00:46:37] Do you have Parkinson's?

[00:46:38] You have Coor

[00:46:40] Disease, you drink blood, but in a bit way that's bad and not a cool way like I do.

[00:46:44] That's not nice, really.

[00:46:45] Yeah.

[00:46:46] You're the reason we should have had Bernie.

[00:46:47] Yeah.

[00:46:48] And I only voted for him because he's not some dumb bitch.

[00:46:51] Because he's a man.

[00:46:52] And he's a man.

[00:46:53] You meet you, me, brother.

[00:46:54] Yeah.

[00:46:55] That's why.

[00:46:56] Yeah.

[00:46:57] Sorry.

[00:46:58] Oh.

[00:46:59] You're sorry, you got more questions?

[00:47:00] There's one more.

[00:47:01] Yeah.

[00:47:02] I don't know.

[00:47:03] Stupid.

[00:47:04] What's the?

[00:47:05] No, it's here.

[00:47:06] What's your biggest weakness?

[00:47:07] My biggest weakness.

[00:47:08] Yeah.

[00:47:09] Yeah.

[00:47:10] Chex Mix.

[00:47:11] Really?

[00:47:12] Yeah.

[00:47:13] You can't help yourself.

[00:47:14] I can't.

[00:47:15] I go crazy.

[00:47:16] Because sometimes I go crazy with it.

[00:47:17] Yeah.

[00:47:18] I'm like, can you get this away from me?

[00:47:19] Yeah.

[00:47:20] Get this Chex Mix away from me.

[00:47:21] You would always piss me off is the commercials for Chex Mix.

[00:47:24] Uh-huh.

[00:47:25] They always feature a mom and a son making it at home.

[00:47:27] Yeah.

[00:47:28] And I would always be like, mom, can we make Chex Mix?

[00:47:31] Yeah.

[00:47:32] We have to buy it in the store while she was always fucking the principal in my school.

[00:47:37] I was learning disabled and back in the day, back way back.

[00:47:41] The moms had a fuck with me.

[00:47:42] Yeah, you've seen Forrest Gump.

[00:47:43] Yeah.

[00:47:44] That's the same.

[00:47:45] Yeah.

[00:47:46] You have to, you have to, something bad comes out of your pussy.

[00:47:49] Something bad's got to go into your pussy.

[00:47:51] That's right.

[00:47:52] That's the first, that's the first math lesson you learn as a young disabled boy.

[00:47:56] That's an old man's dick.

[00:47:58] Yeah.

[00:47:59] And to attend the normal school as a young.

[00:48:03] You had the things on your legs?

[00:48:05] Uh-huh.

[00:48:06] Yeah.

[00:48:07] And you did.

[00:48:08] Honestly, becoming a Dracula.

[00:48:09] They never thought you could do this.

[00:48:11] Yeah.

[00:48:12] You know, it really benefited me.

[00:48:14] Yeah.

[00:48:15] Sure, my girlfriend died, but now.

[00:48:16] Yeah, I'm sure you had a lot of haters, like, coming up.

[00:48:19] Yeah.

[00:48:20] And if they can see you now, I mean, they're dead.

[00:48:22] The more successful you get, the more people hate you.

[00:48:25] Yeah.

[00:48:26] That's just part of the game.

[00:48:27] People take shots.

[00:48:28] You think that it's a marker of you doing well?

[00:48:30] Yeah.

[00:48:31] Like, universal hatred.

[00:48:32] The more, you know, the famous expression, I was actually the one that said it first, they

[00:48:35] laugh at you.

[00:48:36] Then they call you a faggot.

[00:48:37] Yeah.

[00:48:38] Then they beat you up.

[00:48:39] Yeah.

[00:48:40] Then they ignore you.

[00:48:41] Yeah.

[00:48:42] Then they remember how much of a faggot you are.

[00:48:43] Yeah.

[00:48:44] Then they laugh at you again.

[00:48:45] Uh-huh.

[00:48:46] And then you try to reinvent yourself.

[00:48:47] Uh-huh.

[00:48:48] And now you're 50 years old and you're creating the new internet.

[00:48:52] Uh-huh.

[00:48:53] Now you're in a Dasha's movie.

[00:48:55] Now you're in an auditorium saying really embarrassing autistic things out loud.

[00:49:00] Yeah.

[00:49:01] Now you have a sub-stack article.

[00:49:02] Yeah.

[00:49:03] Now you're a different kind.

[00:49:05] You've reinvented yourself, but you're a different kind of fucking loser.

[00:49:09] Uh-huh.

[00:49:10] Now you don't want to say the F slur three times in a row.

[00:49:15] You know, whatever the expression.

[00:49:17] I thought that was going to go somewhere.

[00:49:18] It didn't.

[00:49:19] It didn't.

[00:49:20] But yeah.

[00:49:21] You think you came up with that?

[00:49:22] To answer your question?

[00:49:23] Yeah.

[00:49:24] Jack's Max.

[00:49:25] I thought you came up.

[00:49:26] I thought it was Eleanor Roosevelt actually.

[00:49:28] Mm-hmm.

[00:49:29] I love that.

[00:49:30] Yeah.

[00:49:31] You want to talk about a whore.

[00:49:32] Really?

[00:49:33] Sure.

[00:49:34] She tossed it around?

[00:49:35] See, you know all this kind of shit because you've been around.

[00:49:38] Where her husband didn't have fucking his legs didn't work.

[00:49:40] So she was going around DC.

[00:49:42] He said he said, Eleanor, do what you need to do.

[00:49:46] I could never, I could never make you feel like a real woman.

[00:49:50] Yeah.

[00:49:51] So that far.

[00:49:52] What do you want me to do?

[00:49:53] Drive my chair into your pussy.

[00:49:56] Is that what I'm supposed to do?

[00:49:57] Is just wheel myself in there?

[00:50:00] Yeah.

[00:50:01] And he said fuck it.

[00:50:02] He put his head down.

[00:50:03] He said, I'm going to be the best goddamn president there ever was.

[00:50:05] He fucking did it.

[00:50:06] Yeah.

[00:50:07] And that's what I'm saying.

[00:50:08] You should be.

[00:50:09] Which by the way.

[00:50:10] You got to stop jacking on.

[00:50:11] For one reason and one reason only.

[00:50:13] Yeah.

[00:50:14] The camps.

[00:50:15] That's what made him.

[00:50:16] I'm a pro.

[00:50:17] I'm a pro.

[00:50:18] Japanese internment.

[00:50:19] I'm a pro internment camp FDR guy.

[00:50:21] I don't know if that's what his legacy is.

[00:50:24] I think it was kind of, I think people of the government is apologized for it.

[00:50:30] To who?

[00:50:31] To the.

[00:50:32] To the jiro dreams of sushi.

[00:50:34] To the japanese.

[00:50:35] To fucking George to Kai.

[00:50:37] That's who you get.

[00:50:38] What?

[00:50:39] He doesn't seem.

[00:50:40] It was an ugly time.

[00:50:41] I don't recall him either of them saying apology except.

[00:50:43] It was an ugly time and our nation's history.

[00:50:46] Yeah.

[00:50:47] Yeah.

[00:50:48] You have another question for me or?

[00:50:52] I'm out of my question.

[00:50:53] You're out of question.

[00:50:54] So maybe you asked you 15 questions.

[00:50:56] Okay.

[00:50:57] All right.

[00:50:58] Well, maybe you could say thank you for being here.

[00:51:00] Well, yeah.

[00:51:01] I mean, thank you for being here.

[00:51:02] Yeah.

[00:51:03] It's always good to see you.

[00:51:04] It was good to see you.

[00:51:05] Well, what?

[00:51:06] Well, how do you feel?

[00:51:14] I thought it went well.

[00:51:17] You know, I think I ace them on the log.

[00:51:20] I think the guest interview.

[00:51:23] I don't know.

[00:51:24] I think overall is pretty good.

[00:51:26] Yeah.

[00:51:27] I mean, it depends how you feel.

[00:51:28] I mean, we're partners in this.

[00:51:29] I feel good, dude.

[00:51:30] I feel fucking.

[00:51:31] I feel powerful as a producer.

[00:51:34] Yeah.

[00:51:35] I feel.

[00:51:36] You know, I feel like as you come into your own and you're going to get more.

[00:51:42] Oh, you want, you want the great?

[00:51:43] It was on the ground, actually.

[00:51:45] Yeah.

[00:51:46] Sorry.

[00:51:47] Yeah.

[00:51:48] You know, we're going to, it's going to be fun.

[00:51:50] We're going to have a fun journey.

[00:51:52] And I think the audience is going to be happy with what we did today.

[00:51:55] I think so.

[00:51:56] People respond to effort, I find.

[00:51:58] Yeah.

[00:51:59] You know?

[00:52:00] You're going to be a doctor because basically being a comedian, it's like being a surgeon.

[00:52:04] You know?

[00:52:05] In some ways.

[00:52:06] Yeah.

[00:52:07] You got it like society is like a, some, a bitch that's got a tumor in her titty.

[00:52:11] We dissect the heart and the tumor is laughter.

[00:52:15] The tumor is, the tumor is a hard lump in a big tit.

[00:52:19] I see where it's at.

[00:52:20] And life is, life is like a titty.

[00:52:22] And but it's a titty that's got cancer.

[00:52:24] Yeah.

[00:52:25] When you're a kid, life is just, you know, it's literally, it's a big titty that you can

[00:52:28] suck on.

[00:52:29] And as you get older, it gets cancer in there.

[00:52:32] And comedians, they, they, there is important as surgeons is what I'm saying.

[00:52:36] Yeah.

[00:52:37] And I forgot where the analogy started.

[00:52:40] But basically, you know, like the same way, like people don't give a shit if a comic

[00:52:45] goes bad as long as they're, there's a, they see them getting better.

[00:52:49] You know, people like the same way a doctor, you know, the doctor fucks up surgery.

[00:52:54] They just want to see him tomorrow improve.

[00:52:57] Right.

[00:52:58] Like he fucked up a bit.

[00:53:00] Yeah.

[00:53:01] You know, he'll go back, he'll listen to the tape and he'll get it right tomorrow.

[00:53:04] Yeah.

[00:53:05] You know what I mean?

[00:53:06] What are some other professions that comedians are like?

[00:53:08] And president of the United States.

[00:53:10] Yeah.

[00:53:11] School, a guy that drives a school bus filled with retarded kids.

[00:53:15] But the, wait, no, that's a never mind.

[00:53:18] Yeah.

[00:53:19] I thought for a second, I thought it was inventing a job that would be prestigious.

[00:53:23] But that's a regular job you can have.

[00:53:25] Yeah.

[00:53:26] No one respects those guys.

[00:53:27] Yeah.

[00:53:28] The bus driver pretty much, they're just worse at driving so they give them retorps.

[00:53:31] They probably drive those buses drunk more than regular people drive regular cars drunk.

[00:53:36] Exactly.

[00:53:37] Yeah.

[00:53:38] Yeah.

[00:53:39] Can you imagine if you're, if you're the guy who drove the retarded bus, drove your retarded

[00:53:44] son to school, drunk drove the entire, drunk, all of them into a tree.

[00:53:50] Yeah.

[00:53:51] And you got to be like, ah, fuck shit.

[00:53:54] Damn.

[00:53:55] It's like, their lives must have taken such a sharp turn because they're probably started

[00:53:59] off in NASCAR, you know?

[00:54:01] Who, the parents of mentally disabled people?

[00:54:03] No, the bus drivers for them, you know.

[00:54:06] Oh.

[00:54:07] And they've like fucked up so many times.

[00:54:08] That's how actually short buses started.

[00:54:10] It was during the bootlegging era.

[00:54:12] Oh, is it?

[00:54:13] Yeah.

[00:54:14] Yeah.

[00:54:15] They would hide liquor in, uh, underneath the, in tiny buses.

[00:54:17] And the cops would pull them over and be like, no, this ain't low line, no damn school bus

[00:54:21] I've ever seen.

[00:54:22] Yeah.

[00:54:23] And they'd be like, are you, are you, you got liquor in here?

[00:54:25] And they'd say, no, we had, we're taking a, we're taking disabled kids to school.

[00:54:30] Yeah.

[00:54:31] And the cops was just like, carry on.

[00:54:34] Yeah.

[00:54:35] Oh, okay.

[00:54:36] Everything checks out.

[00:54:37] That's where that song carry on my wayward son.

[00:54:39] Oh, he was a wayward son.

[00:54:41] Wayward.

[00:54:42] Yeah, a little bit wayward.

[00:54:43] Yeah.

[00:54:44] Wayward.

[00:54:45] Yeah.

[00:54:46] Wayward.

[00:54:47] Yeah.

[00:54:48] Wayward.

[00:54:49] Yeah.

[00:54:50] Wayward.

[00:54:51] Yeah.

[00:54:52] Carry on my R word son was the original title of the song.

[00:54:53] Yeah.

[00:54:54] What do you think we would do?

[00:54:55] What are we going to do for the next episode?

[00:54:57] I don't know.

[00:54:58] This was our most high concept, most ambitious episode to do.

[00:55:01] You know what we forgot to do?

[00:55:02] A theme.

[00:55:03] Shit.

[00:55:04] And I think the theme is going to be in retrospect, hasty decisions.

[00:55:08] Yeah.

[00:55:09] You're a hasty decision not to kill yourself.

[00:55:10] My hasty decision to kill myself.

[00:55:12] To kill yourself.

[00:55:13] Which ended up being a good move.

[00:55:15] Yeah.

[00:55:16] And then my hasty decision to not kill myself.

[00:55:18] Which ended up being an even better move.

[00:55:20] I, I watched the monologue and I thought it was good.

[00:55:23] But I haven't seen how the audience will react to it yet.

[00:55:26] Yeah.

[00:55:27] I just don't, you know, first off, I don't want to let you down.

[00:55:30] I beat the charge button.

[00:55:31] Then next is my parents and my family.

[00:55:33] I don't want to let them down.

[00:55:34] Yeah.

[00:55:35] But the third and very close third is the, is you.

[00:55:39] He's the listener.

[00:55:40] He's the audience.

[00:55:41] Yeah.

[00:55:42] Yeah.

[00:55:43] So you guys, you stuck it out.

[00:55:44] You stuck with us for another episode of the Adam Friedling Show.

[00:55:49] You think this was good?

[00:55:50] I think it was.

[00:55:51] Do you have fun?

[00:55:52] I had a lot of fun.

[00:55:53] Yeah.

[00:55:54] I hope they're having fun there.

[00:55:55] I had fun.

[00:55:56] It's a nice night.

[00:55:57] We did this all in what?

[00:55:58] Probably 35 minutes.

[00:55:59] This episode?

[00:56:00] Yeah.

[00:56:01] It's the most work we've put into anything.

[00:56:02] Yeah.

[00:56:03] We put about 35 minutes to work into that.

[00:56:05] It is the absolute most work we've put into literally anything we've ever done together.

[00:56:09] Yeah.

[00:56:10] I'll tell you, it gives me a lot more respect for, for guys who paint rooms.

[00:56:16] Yeah.

[00:56:17] Oh, they did a great job.

[00:56:18] They're kind of like the comedians of the labor force.

[00:56:21] That's true.

[00:56:22] It takes to paint a room.

[00:56:23] That's almost like what it's like to be a stand-up comedian and fly to Chicago and go

[00:56:28] to Sweet Green with Mike Racine.

[00:56:30] Yeah.

[00:56:31] You know, and folks, I'll be in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv.

[00:56:36] August 18th through the 20th.

[00:56:38] Yeah.

[00:56:39] You can check it out.

[00:56:40] And I think that's probably, that's going to do it.

[00:56:42] Oh, yeah.

[00:56:43] And I'm going to be in, in September, I'm going to be in Seattle, Portland, and Los Angeles.

[00:56:50] Where are you going to be in Seattle?

[00:56:51] The name of the venue.

[00:56:53] The crocodile.

[00:56:54] The crocodile Dundee.

[00:56:55] No, it's like a grunge.

[00:56:57] It's an Australia.

[00:56:58] No, it's like a rocker.

[00:56:59] Oh, it's in Australia.

[00:57:01] It's not that far.

[00:57:02] It's more like Nirvana Pearl Jam.

[00:57:03] Ooh, you know what I'm saying?

[00:57:05] And Nirvana Pearl Jam, that kind of vibe.

[00:57:07] Oh, okay.

[00:57:08] grunge.

[00:57:09] Big jeans.

[00:57:10] Big jeans, yeah.

[00:57:11] Big jeans, long hair.

[00:57:12] This is hurting my shoulder.

[00:57:13] To sit like this.

[00:57:14] Okay.

[00:57:15] Well.

[00:57:16] And such a horny way.

[00:57:17] But thank you guys.

[00:57:18] Thank you very much for watching.

[00:57:19] It's a TV show now.

[00:57:21] It's a TV show.

[00:57:22] We'll see how this translates to audio.

[00:57:24] I can't wait to watch.

[00:57:26] Yeah, it would be a dream come true if we could figure out a way to synthesize to it.

[00:57:30] No one's ever done that.

[00:57:31] No one's ever done a video podcast before.

[00:57:33] So we're going to be the first and.

[00:57:35] This is more of a TV show than a podcast.

[00:57:37] I think at this point, I guess thanks guys.

[00:57:39] Adam, you take it away while the credits roll.

[00:57:41] Maybe we'll get a little music going.

[00:57:43] What do you want?

[00:57:44] I don't know.

[00:57:45] You say something because we got to put this.

[00:57:46] I think you subscribe to the higher tiers on Patreon.

[00:57:50] You name it in the credits.

[00:57:51] So that could be you.

[00:57:52] Yeah.

[00:57:53] And Adam, go ahead and play this out or something.

[00:57:57] Oh.

[00:57:58] Okay.

[00:57:59] Okay.

[00:58:00] I think you have the headphones.

[00:58:04] I think you have the headphones.

[00:58:09] That was good.

[00:58:11] I'm just going to put it on.

[00:58:18] I'm going to show you guys how it's going to be.

[00:58:25] That's what Nick and I were just wearing.

[00:58:30] So if that wasn't funny, it would probably look pretty funny.

[00:58:35] So thanks for supporting the show.

[00:58:40] Hope you guys.

[00:58:44] That's it, right?