TAFS | Regular | 10/05/2022
[00:00:49] you lost your microphone? Oh no Papa. Oh no Papa. Folks welcome to the Adam Friedland
[00:00:57] show, the weekly show. While Adam looks for his microphone, he somehow can't find it
[00:01:02] even though it's attached to his head. I have both microphones. This is my fault, I'm sorry.
[00:01:12] I should God damn it. Now it's stuck to me. What the fuck? My whole goddamn life is just
[00:01:19] wires. Wires fucking driving me insane. It's quick, quick, quick reminder everyone to watch
[00:01:27] the plumber, the Peter Weir movie, the Peter Weir movie, the kind of movie that
[00:01:34] you get it? You made it worse. Sorry, sorry. No you're okay. Don't worry. Well Adam gets
[00:01:45] to his microphone untangled from the headphones. Folks I'm in Houston this weekend at the Houston
[00:01:53] Improv Friday, Saturday, Sunday. The ticket sales are not going well which it's actually
[00:02:00] not your guys' fault. Turns out that they only sell tables. So you have to find a friend, maybe
[00:02:07] there's some sort of buddy meetup, maybe there's a chance to find your lover, sexual lover,
[00:02:14] or hire an escort. Hey do you want to go to the Nick Mullen standup comedy show where he's doing
[00:02:22] Subway Jared Bitts still in 2022? You can see his classic Harambe bit. See a whole hour of Harambe
[00:02:34] to lie in Subway Jared, Dominic Strauss Khan era material from when I quit standing on
[00:02:43] his head. I've been on tour for six months now. Wait March, April, May, June, July, August, September,
[00:02:52] fuck seven months, eight months have been on tour. And I've produced a big fat fucking zero in terms of
[00:02:59] new material. But I'm a good hang afterwards. You know, we can chat and maybe shoot up. Maybe you'll
[00:03:08] meet your lover. You'll meet your lover. After that next weekend, I am in Phoenix, Texas, Arizona,
[00:03:14] Phoenix, Texas, Phoenix, they should make that should all be one state Texas, Arizona, New Mexico,
[00:03:21] New Mexico, Nevada, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Nevada. Forever I always thought that was bullshit that
[00:03:26] those are two different places. They're not even bordering one another. Yeah, but they're the same.
[00:03:30] They both start with an and I got a lot to say about that. If I don't mind if I don't mind if I
[00:03:39] blue chew, maybe we get some more information about blue chew coming up a little bit later.
[00:03:44] That's exciting. That's exciting. Stay tuned for that. Why the hell did people say see you later
[00:03:49] alligator? Yeah, you know, yeah, good. Go ahead. Why don't you go ahead and try that to an actual
[00:03:57] alley? Yeah, good luck, buddy. Good luck, buddy. He's like, my life.
[00:04:09] Go ahead and try saying that to an actual alley. I look at him and I say, pal, why don't you try
[00:04:15] saying that to an actual alley? And see where that gets one way ticket to bite town. That's where
[00:04:24] you're going. In fact, I think I'll be playing bite town next week. Oh geez, hope the crowd's
[00:04:28] better than this one. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. That's good. Geez. I hope the folks over at
[00:04:33] bite town are a little bit better than you guys. That's pretty good. What else do we got folks?
[00:04:37] You see Dominic Strauss Kahn is in the news. Dominic Strauss Kahn's back in the news. Dominic
[00:04:42] Strauss Kahn's back in the news. Of course, the former leader of the world bank who got arrested.
[00:04:47] Yeah, for molesting. For molesting an African woman in a bathroom. I don't know what's worse,
[00:04:53] that that woman got raped in there. That's probably the first time she's seen a bathroom in her entire
[00:04:56] life, folks. I'll tell you, you know, on the ground, you know, who couldn't wait to get on a plane from
[00:05:02] Africa here is that lady. And the last thing she said was, see you later, alligator, but she
[00:05:08] meant it for real because she was never coming back. The jungle is filled with allogates. She was
[00:05:13] never coming back to the heart of darkness, the dark continent. Black Africa. They used to call it
[00:05:18] Black Africa. You know, the original title of that book was Fart of Darkness, and it was about
[00:05:23] how stinky the Congo was. No way. Yeah. No way. Yeah. It's crazy. Some Polish retard managed to
[00:05:31] write a book. Yeah. I didn't think they had books there. In Poland? Yeah, I think I thought they only
[00:05:37] had to tube to shaped meat products. Kill Basza. Polish people, how about that? They're very red.
[00:05:50] Polish people? Yeah, from alcoholism. They got very red. Do you ever go up to a green point and see
[00:05:58] see those, see those fuckers up there? They got skinheads up there. Do they? What's the time
[00:06:03] stand? I don't know. Okay. I got to keep for the ad reads. I got to keep it. Keep a little,
[00:06:09] I'm feeling good, dude. I took my vitamins. It's necessary. Now that I'm a vegan, I have to take
[00:06:15] those fucking vitamins. Do you need iron and stuff? Iron you can get from spinach and broccoli and
[00:06:20] stuff. They don't put iron in at least the multivitamin I've used forever because it's easy to get too
[00:06:25] much, I think. And then you get heavy metal poisoning? Then yeah, you become... Do you have blood? No,
[00:06:31] you become a Rob Halford. Rob Halford. I think I got heavy metal poisoning. No, it's HIV from
[00:06:41] being a homosexual. No, no, no. It's heavy metal poisoning. It's heavy metal poisoning. It's from
[00:06:47] doing too much hard work. I just want my bones to mess up. I'll jump his bones. I'll tell you what.
[00:06:57] I'll tell you what. I might just be a British moron for the rest of the time,
[00:07:04] we ever. I didn't realize that the British moron was Rob Halford. The homosexual lead singer of
[00:07:12] Judas Priest. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. How do they say it?
[00:07:17] Is it like that? They say, saying. Let me tell you something, son. Let me tell you, don't sign me.
[00:07:25] Don't come to where I live and try to son me. I'd like to see them try to son me.
[00:07:33] Just reading about this. I found out they're doing this in New York, they're doing their
[00:07:38] sonning each other. Why don't you come down to Australia and try and son me and see what happens?
[00:07:45] Later, alligator. That's what I'll be saying to you. First they let the blacks in, then you stock
[00:07:50] it and son. That's why we have to close the board. What else is in the news?
[00:07:59] I'm trying to fuck a guy, but I'm straight. Rob Halford is back in the news.
[00:08:11] Guys, also, I want to wish all of our Jewish listeners a very meaningful
[00:08:15] Yom Kippur fast. You really got into your shit for Yom Kippur this year, huh? I promise my mom might go.
[00:08:23] That's good. I'm happy for you. As long as you don't revert to Zionism,
[00:08:28] I'm fully on board with this new Jewish, even more Jewish Adam. I'm going to go more Jewish.
[00:08:33] More religious. Go back into my spirituality, which I was never really into. Yeah. I was more into
[00:08:39] music. I think that would be good for you. Maybe it would give life some meaning,
[00:08:49] give life a little bit of context. Maybe stop worrying just about myself.
[00:08:54] Start seeing myself as part of something bigger. Who knows? Maybe we could have a rabbi on
[00:09:03] for one of the video. We could get that guy. What's his name? Rabbi Shulie? That guy that goes on TV.
[00:09:16] I think he's a scam artist. He had a show I remember it was called Shalom in the home.
[00:09:22] I tell you, if they had that guy run, they'd have to Rabbi Shumie away from all the pussy that he'd
[00:09:27] be bringing in. Oh, yeah. Oh, he likes them. His whole crew. His whole crew of
[00:09:35] bishas. Real yum, some yum kippur. Yeah. Yum. There's a lot of Jewish holidays. Now that we have to
[00:09:45] go to B&H all the time, they're closed all the time. They're constantly closed for another holiday.
[00:09:50] Well, once a week, they're closed for the Sabbath. And then B&H is closed today for a young kippur.
[00:09:56] Yeah. That is very fun. They saw Christmas and they're like, what if we do it all the time?
[00:10:01] What if we had a million Christmases? What if we just had Christmas every week?
[00:10:05] What if we had Christmas but it was just more boring and didn't involve,
[00:10:12] what if I built a tiny house outside of my house and we'd come chocolate in there?
[00:10:16] That's the funniest one. Yeah. Suck it. Suck it. Yeah. That one's funny and then
[00:10:23] their Halloween is pretty funny. Do you feel, honestly though, do you feel good about doing
[00:10:27] the yum kippur stuff? I feel like my mom would have liked that I went. Do you feel like connected
[00:10:32] with her or something? No, I did not. Well, they do a prayer for if you have a dead parent,
[00:10:38] they do something. That's really nice. I stayed in, I stayed in the room.
[00:10:42] Everyone else has to leave. If you have an immediate relative who's dead, you stay in and they do
[00:10:48] the thing and I felt like that was good. I wish I could have some kind of spiritual connection.
[00:10:53] Unfortunately, all I got is my gadgets. You got your wires. I got my wires and my gizmos.
[00:10:59] And sometimes Nick gets them crossed. Yeah. You got your wires crossed, pal. He gets his wires
[00:11:06] crossed, pal. You ever notice how people say, don't get your wires crossed?
[00:11:12] Yeah. Show me one guy who hasn't done that. I got a drawer at my parents' house where I live,
[00:11:21] filled with wires and they're completely crossed. Yeah, they're just jumbled up.
[00:11:25] So what are you saying? I have Schizophrenia. I'm a schizophrenic guy that does comedy for some reason.
[00:11:35] You can bite down. You see me next week and bite down.
[00:11:45] Yeah. I'll get you a one-way ticket to bite. What's that story you have about him
[00:11:50] talking about the Orioles? Oh, yeah. He's on the podcast.
[00:11:55] He's just landing. Yeah, shooting on the Orioles and two guys just casually leaving the bar.
[00:11:59] Oh, that too much for you. Get them, Tom. Boom. Get them. Oh, and you speak of Tom,
[00:12:11] fans, stay on him about coming on the show. Apparently he's going on a big podcasting tour. He goes on
[00:12:16] the Chappo Trap House podcast. You know, I listened to five minutes of that on the plane. I couldn't
[00:12:21] tell them apart. It was like five Tom Myers sitting in a room. Yeah. Yeah. And now I have to fucking,
[00:12:28] they have to boast to me. Oh, we had Tom on. About mom tires. Yeah, that'd be sick. She's like,
[00:12:35] y'all want some, y'all want some Michelin's? Hi, my name's Sandy. I'm 832 pounds and I sell
[00:12:42] used tires. I sell them myself. Personally, I'm mom tires. That's the name of my business.
[00:12:49] And I'm also gay. Yeah. My time. A riddle bitch. Chinese.
[00:12:56] Just a riddle. Just a riddle. I'm just a riddle bit. I'm like,
[00:13:04] I'm like, what do you mean? Chinese Tom Myers being like, yeah, why do they call him the riddler?
[00:13:10] It seems like this guy's the same size as a lesser. Yes, that's good. He's about the same size as
[00:13:16] a restroom, but they call him the littler. I was thinking they should call him the normal
[00:13:23] size guy. Yeah. The guy that's the same size as everybody else. I guess that's what the question
[00:13:28] marks are for. You see him and you're like, yeah, this guy's riddler than the rest of the guys.
[00:13:35] You look at him and you're like, no, he's not. And it's like, what? What the hell? And that's what
[00:13:42] all the exclamation points are for. You know, they got a new riddler coming out. Do the movie. Yeah.
[00:13:47] He was playing the riddler. It's trans. Really? And the question marks are what are the gender
[00:13:52] identity? Really? Yeah. The gender list. The gender list on TBS. The gender list. The gender
[00:14:00] list. The gender, the gender rentalist. The gender rental. Yeah. I solve crimes. Yeah. He just shows
[00:14:07] up at the crime scene. And I know where you're thinking, folks, what even is that? Or like, I use
[00:14:12] my I use the power of men's logical thinking and women's intuition to solve crimes. He solves crimes
[00:14:19] with his fake tits and his giant cock. Yeah. That'd be cool. I'd watch that show. Yeah.
[00:14:27] What would you what would you do while you're watching it? Would you masturbate? No, they wouldn't
[00:14:32] show that on network TV, but they didn't apply the giant dick. You know, and they wouldn't show
[00:14:37] Nip, but they show everyone getting horny for the gender mentalist. The gender rentalist.
[00:14:47] He's got he's got mobile genders. He does. Damn, now I feel sick again from hitting that vape.
[00:14:53] I think that's a problem. Yeah, probably. I wish that thing wasn't around. It's not good for you.
[00:14:58] And it's bad. It's terrible. And I quit. And then, you know, like just getting worked on all day,
[00:15:04] just getting stuff done. It's hard not to do a little bit. Yeah. You should get a wife that you
[00:15:09] couldn't beat. I'm not I'm not a wife here. Yeah. But that seems like a nice way to polish off a
[00:15:15] good days where my wife ignore. Yeah. That's that's that's my I wish you'd hit me. Yeah. I wish you'd
[00:15:21] hit me because at least you acknowledge that I'm here. Literally. Yes. That's one that's every
[00:15:27] relationship I've had. That's the problem. At least if you hit me, we'd be closer. The amount of
[00:15:33] times I've heard it's like you're not even there. Yeah. I just wrote that in the thing I was writing.
[00:15:39] Oh, the thing you're writing. Yeah. It feel like you're 1000 kilo a bit there.
[00:15:47] But are people still doing postcards? Old letters right there. Everybody can read it.
[00:15:52] Yeah, it's true. What if you wrote on there? Hey, I'm gay. Don't tell anybody. I hope nobody
[00:15:59] sees this. I hope nobody sees this postcard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I try that one out and bite.
[00:16:06] I'm going to bite down next week. Yeah. I'll be in by town four nights at the comedy lodge.
[00:16:12] Yeah. I'd like to see you try and say that to an actual alligator pal. That's a good joke.
[00:16:16] That's a good joke. There was this nerd that I went to high school with. I probably said this
[00:16:22] on the old podcast. This is not a nerd besmirching podcast. I'm not going to talk shit, but he was
[00:16:26] hometown may have been a nerd besmirching podcast, but the Adam Friedland show is pro nerd. There
[00:16:31] was this kid. This is a wire and gizmo show. And when that's not happening, guess what? It's
[00:16:36] fucking Yom Kippur pal. Yeah. It's the cot. It's Rosh Hashanah. It's what's the other one that's
[00:16:42] Passover. It's another hot Torah. You know, that's the one where they get drunk. You're
[00:16:48] supposed to get drunk on manish habits. You get drunk on shots of potato vodka. What are some of
[00:16:54] the other Jewish holidays? Um, Mimi, Aunt Sarah. That's Toyota truckathon. Yeah. That's Toyota
[00:17:01] truck month and they're losing their goddamn mind over there. Yeah. Um, it's fuckathon at the Toyota
[00:17:07] dealerships. Come on down now and fuck Larry, the finance manager. It's Toyota. Fuck month. Show
[00:17:13] your pussy to Larry. It'll fuck you. It's fuckathon. Toyota. Fuck month. It's Toyota Trans sales
[00:17:23] event. We're trying anything. No one's buying these cars. Are you trans? Please buy a car.
[00:17:33] It's a bank's allowed to be gay. Why can't Toyota be gay? It's true. Come on down for gay trans
[00:17:40] Toyota day. No money down. There's going to be a car, a car dealership do a pride month event.
[00:17:48] I'm sure there has been. Yeah. So I'm so it's Mazda pride event. So oh yeah, there was this nerd
[00:17:56] I went to school with named Richard. They're always they always have their full name. You notice
[00:18:02] that gay guys and nerds dick. Yeah, dick. A nice straight guy named dick. Yeah, but they're either
[00:18:08] like they're all Christopher Richard. Yeah. Richard was a nerd and he said all of high school that
[00:18:15] he had a fiance and that it was Wiccan. And then probably huge tits. Yeah, she probably. Nothing
[00:18:22] like nothing like a Wiccan girl with a huge cold tits. Yeah. She's a yeah. They're just
[00:18:28] the poor hasty. They're poorly circulated. Yeah, they got the blue veins. Yeah. Yeah. They're
[00:18:33] veins like a penis. You pull them out. Yeah, you pull them out. You're like Jesus, which
[00:18:37] are you using a walk in freezer for a bra? Why are your tits blue?
[00:18:43] Folks, have you ever noticed that these Wiccan girls have cold tits?
[00:18:49] Yeah, I'll be trying that one out in bite town next week. So he had a bumper sticker that said
[00:18:53] be don't be mean to dragons because you'll end up getting burnt. Damn, I did a fucking
[00:19:02] number on my back on those wires. Yeah. Dude, I'm sorry, man. It's all right. Nick is killing
[00:19:10] him for sell for the show. I did it the most. And guys, listen, the studio is looking pretty right.
[00:19:16] Next week, we have our second install. We're pretty fucking excited about how things are going
[00:19:21] to come along. And if you want to support the show, and you want to support the, you know,
[00:19:28] whatever's whatever's going on and what we have planned, we're looking at next month,
[00:19:32] it's going to be the official launch of the new Adam Friedland show.
[00:19:36] So guys, you can go to patreon.com slash T A F S.
[00:19:41] And you can subscribe. You get twice as many episodes. You get exclusive video content. There's
[00:19:46] a couple of videos up there right now that we've already done. We have more in the works right now.
[00:19:51] So go to patreon.com slash T A F F. That was a little plug.
[00:19:59] Um, the Adam Friedland show. What did Stephen said? He started a podcast called the friends and
[00:20:03] guys podcast. He's like, stay tuned for fags episode one. I love Stephen. We got to have Stephen on
[00:20:11] the show more. Yeah, he was on the show that one time without. Yeah, I know. But he got afraid
[00:20:16] to talk. Yeah, he was like, Adam, I feel like I didn't, I really blew it on the show. It does.
[00:20:22] Yeah, people, it takes a while for people to, you got to turn off the, you got to forget that
[00:20:27] anyone's listening. Yeah, you know, you got nervous. It's serious. I could see it in your face.
[00:20:32] I got nervous, but I warmed up. No, you know, I was, it was just there's something more about
[00:20:37] going into a studio and you know, it's live. Yeah. And you know, there are cameras and those heavy
[00:20:41] doors that close doors. Yeah, no, it was just like, I was thinking and I was like, wow, this is like
[00:20:47] when I was watching Howard on E. Jacking off to the blurred titties as a youth, I was like, now,
[00:20:52] now I'm, now I'm a pair of blurred titties. This is huge for me. But, uh, you know, I think I got
[00:21:00] the, during the second, second block, I think I was, I felt a lot more comfortable. At first,
[00:21:05] I was a little shut up. Folks, you hear this song, blurred lines? Yeah. This guy's talking about when
[00:21:11] it's okay to rape a girl. Geez, it makes you wonder, Robin thick, does they mean thick headed? Yeah.
[00:21:18] What a freaking moron. Yeah. To write a song like that. You gotta be, you gotta be a freaking
[00:21:24] idiot to rape. I got me thinking I'm going to start writing a song and it's called Can I
[00:21:30] Eat Hillary Clinton's Pussy? And, uh, I'll be in the, I'll be in the studio all week recording that one.
[00:21:38] If anybody wants to talk to me after the show. Imagine the song written about Hillary. Yeah.
[00:21:47] She walks in the room. She's got an old kind. I want to lick it. I want to suck it. You know I'm
[00:21:56] Tom Myers. Can I suck you? Can I suck you? You know I want that old kind. Let me suck it. Let me,
[00:22:09] just let me enter from the bottom of your, the drapes that you wear now, the $10,000 drapes that
[00:22:15] Hillary Clinton wears his clothes. It's true. She, I would, she, she dresses like fucking like,
[00:22:20] like, like, in like sci-fi. She dresses like Kim Jong Un. She dresses like, she dresses like a
[00:22:26] North Korean. In sci-fi when there's like a religious leader. There's like a premier. Yeah.
[00:22:30] Also just like the Benny Jesuit. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Just in communion with God. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:36] Yeah. That's how she sees herself. I'm the high priestess of fucking. Hello. I am Reverend
[00:22:42] Mother Hillary. Yes. Yeah. We're going to have a big month. We're actually asking Hillary
[00:22:47] Clinton's permission to do gay months at Toyota. Oh man. We got to watch her at fuckface Toyota.
[00:22:55] We got to watch her. We got to watch her show where she learns, she learns how to be a comedian.
[00:23:00] With the French clown. Well, the French clown is a clip from it, but it's Hillary and Chelsea
[00:23:05] Clinton learning about comedy. I'll tell you. I think we can watch it and then learn about comedy,
[00:23:10] too. What we got to do right now, let's hear it, is we're going to have to do. We got to do. We
[00:23:16] are going to have to talk about my bookie. My bookie. My dot. A. G. Five years ago, I had a stroke.
[00:23:26] And I've been living off disability, which wasn't enough to actually keep myself alive. So I figured,
[00:23:34] fuck it. I might as well gamble my disability checks. So I've been going to my bookie dot A. G.
[00:23:41] And placing money lines on what are you pulling up the website? My bookie dot A. G. Yeah. Folks,
[00:23:48] the NFL season is in full swing. The Raiders are one in three. Guys, you can bet on fucking sports
[00:23:59] at fucking my bookie dot A. G. And the full website is my bookie dot A. G. Don't put the F word in it.
[00:24:06] Guys, they have a sports book. They have casino. They have racing. You can deposit money. You
[00:24:10] deposit Bitcoin. You can deposit your seed. They got contests. Let's see what their contests are
[00:24:18] nowadays. Oh, they got a my bookie super contest. Think about think you know, football pick five
[00:24:24] games against the spread each week and earn points for the wins. A battle for huge cash prizes all
[00:24:30] S Z N long. I don't know what that means. S C N. Oh, oh, it's a cool way of spelling C's. Oh, Mr.
[00:24:40] Get Chinese. Black lives. Chinese is a fuck. If you are Chinese, you're a fuck. If Japanese,
[00:24:48] you're crew Chinese, you're a fuck. At my bookie dot A. G. They got another contest called
[00:24:55] Survivor contest. That's where survivor who remembers that TV show. It's still on TV.
[00:25:01] A lot of fun. You know what else is on TV? The Simpsons. It is. It is. Whatever that damn
[00:25:08] Jeff Probst. I had a weird moment the other day when I realized that I'm the age now that Homer
[00:25:14] Simpson was when the Simpsons started. Is that right? I'm doing 33. Yeah. I'm the age now that
[00:25:21] Homer was when the Simpsons started. That's good. Got me wondering what's next? Am I going to turn
[00:25:26] into a cartoon character? Am I going to get a big gut and I should start drinking Duff beer?
[00:25:33] Guess guess you guess you folks aren't television fans. Guess we don't have TV owners in here.
[00:25:39] Guess I'm a TV owner. I met a girl the other day at a bar. She told me she told me she doesn't
[00:25:47] have a TV in her apartment. I said, well, how do you watch TV? Then she says, I don't.
[00:25:55] And I said, well, then how the hell do you? I said, fuck you. That's pretty good. I don't think
[00:26:02] it's nice to talk to him. That way. By the way, tomorrow 9 a.m. we're good on the floor. So after
[00:26:06] we wrap this up, we got to move everything over to the equipment room so they can and then I guess
[00:26:12] I'm going to have to. I'll get those outlets put in now because I'm not going to be able to bring
[00:26:18] that ladder on the floor after. All right, cool. Or at least I'm not going to be able to drag it
[00:26:24] all over the fucking floor after. Okay, let's finish this. My bookie. Yes. Yes. Yes. So they got
[00:26:30] the my bookie super contest. My bookie survivor contest or you a survivor proof it. Pick one team
[00:26:36] each week straight up no spread. If your team wins, you move on to the next week. If they lose,
[00:26:41] you're fucking out. You can't pick the same team twice. How long will you survive this winner?
[00:26:47] Take all contest. And they have another one called squares get hyped for every quarter of action
[00:26:56] with squares. Select your NFL or NCAA F. What's NCAA F? That's black. Fags.
[00:27:04] We saw a man with a black bag. Oh, that's the end double AC. We're a bike again. Yes.
[00:27:14] We do black bags. NCAF square. Isn't that one of the New Zealand rugby teams? The all black
[00:27:23] fat. Oh, no, the black. The black. The black. Squares on the game board and choose the score.
[00:27:30] Winners get paid every quarter terms and conditions apply. Guys, you go to fuckingmybookie.com.
[00:27:36] You sign up, you get your bonus. Okay. They got these great contests. They have live betting.
[00:27:44] They have casino. They have races. It's like a day at the track with the ponies. Let's see who's
[00:27:50] coming up. Oh, Delta Downs. What's going on over there? They got a bunch of Southern Arislers. In
[00:28:01] race one at Delta Downs, I'm going to be picking my boy Sam. Oh, heavenly Trump.
[00:28:10] Heavenly Trump. He's a 15 to one. He's on the outside. He's in the 11th gate. All right, guys.
[00:28:17] So go to my bookie.ag you put in promo code come time to come down 20. You get all this
[00:28:22] fucking free shit. You get free money. You get free everything. They got the best odds. You don't
[00:28:27] need to download a nap. You just do it on your browser. They have live in game wagering and it's
[00:28:35] on all fucking sports. So go to my bookie.ag promo code come time come down. Thank you. My bookie.fag.
[00:28:43] Wow, it's crazy. You could bet on preseason basketball, but those games are real.
[00:28:50] What do you mean they're real? Well, they don't like it's not like they're competing. They play
[00:28:56] their starters for like 10 minutes. They don't like they're not trying to win. You know, I realized
[00:29:02] the other day if you take the word letter P out of the word competing, what do you get?
[00:29:06] Commuting. Nice. Yeah. That's two. He's like, I've finally written a joke.
[00:29:19] It took 35 years to stand up comedy, but I absolutely happened upon a joke. I figured it out, folks.
[00:29:26] Folks, let me ask you something. You're at home. You're showing your penis to your wife for the
[00:29:32] first time. She's she's spewing a bunch of Thai gobbledygook. You're you're you're 15 Budweiser's deep
[00:29:44] and the thing won't get hard. What do you do? You wait seven minutes until the blue tree
[00:29:48] read and you go back to this. Well, let's go back to it. Yeah. Damn. Okay. Well, good. I'm glad
[00:29:54] that's not that that guy emailed me back. It's like good. It's now there's a deadline. So I have to
[00:29:59] get all this other shit done and then we're done done done done done done. What do you mean?
[00:30:04] With the room, like all the prep stuff is done, then it's just then it's just shit gets dropped off.
[00:30:10] Light it. You know what I mean? Yeah. This is the last thing and then that's the last thing and then
[00:30:14] lights and so. Yeah. Also too, I got to block out one more of these windows. So I can do that
[00:30:21] tomorrow. Are they they're polishing the floors? They're gonna I don't know. I really don't know
[00:30:25] about the floors, but I imagine they'd buff them and then they're gonna lay down like some kind of
[00:30:29] oil based fucking like so will we have access to the unit tomorrow? Yes. Liding around. Yeah,
[00:30:37] they're gonna just do it. He's coming to 10 a.m. You're not even gonna be awake. No,
[00:30:41] you're gonna be dreaming about Jewish heaven. I'm gonna be dreaming about next year. Did you make
[00:30:46] a brisket? No, that's for Russia. China. What do you say it'll lazy?
[00:30:52] This is a lot of Russia. This is a lot of Russia. Because Jews are tired.
[00:30:59] Y'all I'm tired. Jews are tired. Y'all I'm tired. Y'all. Yeah. What do we got coming up? No,
[00:31:06] you don't eat for this one. Halloween. We want to do something spooky for Halloween. Of course,
[00:31:11] we want to do something spooky. A bunch of dead bits. We're gonna do that. So yeah,
[00:31:14] we're gonna what we're doing is we're gonna go to the bit graveyard. We're killing the show for
[00:31:19] Halloween. Yeah, we're gonna murder the show. Yeah, it would be funny if like we just never
[00:31:25] like something came out with the show. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's common dude. There are three guys
[00:31:31] who are like, I know it. It's common. It's common. I hope we can at least do some of the other stuff.
[00:31:37] I want you. You can call me a fag. You can call me a cank. But if you call me a goddamn liar,
[00:31:43] actually, I've lied plenty of times. I've lied so many times. You can also call me a liar. Yes.
[00:31:51] But I'm not lying about this one thing. Yeah. The show is coming out. And then what we also need
[00:31:57] to do, because look, we do have the premiere episode with a big guest, but we got our big celebrity
[00:32:03] guest with over 1 million. We need to ram followers. We need to hit CAA to like just fill the calendar
[00:32:11] out. I know. I talked to them. Also, Jim could actually probably help with that. I think like,
[00:32:16] Jim Norton? Yeah. Well, he just gets New York. He just gets Ian. No, no, they have like big
[00:32:22] guests that go on that show. Yeah. Well, we need a producer like Dermit McAllory or
[00:32:29] Tom Skarrit has been on the show. Oh my God. Yeah. Huge. We could have Diane Lane on the show.
[00:32:35] Oh my God. Dude, she's so hot. Kira Sedgwick. Diane Lane is so hot. We got folks. I'm sorry.
[00:32:43] I just want to fuck this. First episode of TAFS. We've got Kira Sedgwick coming on.
[00:32:49] Kira Sedgwick from the musical guest, Chinese guy featuring Dracula. Yeah.
[00:32:55] From her Kira Sedgwick from China, the gender lent list.
[00:33:01] The gender lent list. Yeah, they got this show Bones.
[00:33:10] Folks, I watched it. Guys, they got this guy David Boreannis in this damn show Bones.
[00:33:16] There's not a single skeleton on the show. Yeah. I mean, I guess the people have skeletons in them,
[00:33:22] but then you could call any show. Yeah. Bones. In fact, I was saying they should call every show
[00:33:27] Bones except for the Simpsons because those are cartoon characters. That's the only one where they
[00:33:31] can't use it. Hey, how about Family Guy? Yeah. How about Family? Who else will be one on the show?
[00:33:39] Folks, write in. Tell us what you want. It's also two. I want to get. We want Tom. We want Tom.
[00:33:44] We want Tom. Guys, get in Tom's messages. Tell him the offer stands at $10,000. I'm going to figure
[00:33:52] out a way to get it where we can have people call in and it just pipes into the studio. I'm so hyped
[00:33:57] on that. We could do like a Dr. Drew Loveline. Yeah. What we need is we get this switchboard because
[00:34:04] at some point doing live shows would be cool. Yeah. Yeah. So we should figure out how to do that, but
[00:34:13] you're right? Yeah. What are you doing? You're coughing? Yeah, I was just a little cough.
[00:34:19] This image dusty in this damn place. Damn, I'm excited. Now that I know now that I have a deadline
[00:34:23] and I can go back out there and keep getting work done. Now I just want to add it's how much
[00:34:29] shit do we have to move? Was that we don't have that much shit? Not that much shit, but we got
[00:34:33] to get all the tape off the floor. And then once everything's moved, they're just doing it in
[00:34:37] front of the flats. Yeah. Once everything's moved, I want to just get these I've been intimidated by
[00:34:43] doing folks I know you guys think I'm a moron, but I'm not stupid enough to touch electrical
[00:34:49] wires. Good. And once I know exactly what I'm doing, but I think I don't know what I'm doing,
[00:34:55] but I think I got a handle on it. I just need to throw outlets on those two pots. Up top? Yeah.
[00:35:00] That's great. We're gonna be plugging shit into the ceiling. Yeah. You can plug the lights in up
[00:35:05] there. Yeah, that's great. And then also I should clamp down. You know, I guess maybe I'll just get
[00:35:11] some like heavy duty felt. And then if we need to, because I will have to get up there to move
[00:35:16] lights around once we get the DP in here. So just put that under the ladder. But are the
[00:35:22] letters going to fuck up the new floors? That's why you need like felt or something to put the
[00:35:26] or felt on the bottom. Yeah. I got you. I got you guys. We're getting new floors. I'm excited.
[00:35:35] What else? What else? I work at 711, but you know what that means means I'm half-indian, half-Japanese.
[00:35:42] What's he up to? What are you doing? What are you doing? My girlfriend doesn't have
[00:35:51] he's. She's gonna come meet here. Oh, she's coming here. Yeah. Damn. I have to piss so bad.
[00:35:59] You can pause. You can go pee. Do you want to just try to do five minutes on your own log?
[00:36:03] Good piss? Yeah. Let me see. Why don't you make up a monologue? I'm gonna go piss. I'll be back.
[00:36:09] Monologue about what? And folks, I don't have a bladder problem. I just drank a gallon of water.
[00:36:15] You drank it in the store before you checked out. Because I was thirsty all day. And I didn't
[00:36:20] I was working and I didn't think to drink water, but I got to piss now. I'll be back.
[00:36:26] Well, Nick said makeup of monologue, but I'm gonna interpret that as not knowing about
[00:36:33] the monologue. Not knowing that it's a comedy monologue for a talk show. I'm gonna do a
[00:36:39] dramatic monologue from a play about Greenwich Village in 1981. Greenwich Village, 1981.
[00:36:53] A plague has descended on me and my friends. The cleans, the fags, the gossips, the fairies,
[00:37:06] the butt boys, the sailors, the bikers, the leather daddies, the subs, the doms.
[00:37:15] We're all dying. Who will it claim next? I moved to New York City for one reason, one reason only.
[00:37:27] To be a fag. Everyone growing up in my small town in Iowa said that I can never be a fag.
[00:37:35] I can never be like one of those big city fag. I moved here with a stick and a bindle
[00:37:42] over my shoulder. I walked from Iowa to New York City. I came when I arrived.
[00:37:55] I saw fag, it's everywhere. Boys with handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets,
[00:38:03] fucking in alleyways, dumpsters, garbage trucks, sneaking out in the margins of society.
[00:38:13] I know a plague who's descended on us. Everyone's dying. Who's gonna die next?
[00:38:23] They say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. It's John Lennon who said that.
[00:38:31] It was also a fag. Hello? Hi, doctor. What is it? I do. Is there a cure? No.
[00:38:53] Okay. Well, yes. I've had rough-trade sex recently.
[00:39:08] Okay. Well, thanks. Semper five, brother. Okay. So what was your story about?
[00:39:16] It was kind of a dramatic monologue. It kind of fell off the wheels, fell off the tracks.
[00:39:22] But it was like, how do we jump and shit on motorcycles anymore?
[00:39:27] Yeah, a Knievel kind of really just was the only one. We had his son.
[00:39:31] Oh, his son. He had Knievel Jr. Yeah. Richard Knievel.
[00:39:36] Who liked computers. He would like, you go, check this out.
[00:39:45] So, yeah, I just talked about, you know, it was kind of one of those
[00:39:49] those angels in America style AIDS plays, you know, so I just do a dramatic monologue about
[00:39:57] growing up in Iowa and everyone telling me that I could never be a fag and
[00:40:01] telling them I was going to go to the big city to be a fag and then a plague is descended upon us.
[00:40:08] Then all my friends are dying. Who will save us? President Reagan, is that you?
[00:40:14] President Reagan. President Wagon. President Wagon. Is that you?
[00:40:18] Is that you? President Wagon. Are you there, God? It's me, Fat Titty Girl.
[00:40:26] Folks, if you're like me, your dick doesn't work.
[00:40:33] Yeah. Folks, if you're like me, your dick does not work. If you're like Nick,
[00:40:42] your dick doesn't work. And the only way to fix that is by going to bluechoo.sexy.
[00:40:50] Guys, in recent studies conducted across America, it was found that all men
[00:40:56] were at least 99.5% of men cannot get an erection. So, you go to bluechoo.com and it says have a
[00:41:04] better sex. Discover your options with an online provider. And provider means some bitch on it.
[00:41:10] They made you do a Zoom meeting, right? Yeah, I do zoom. I didn't have to do a Zoom meeting.
[00:41:15] I did zoom with a nurse practitioner, not a real doctor. You get included. I didn't know that.
[00:41:21] I demanded a real doctor. Bluechoo is a dick chewable company. 40% of Americans hate taking pills.
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[00:41:39] soldenafil to dalafil or verdeneafil. Professional, look, I didn't fuck those words up at all.
[00:41:45] Yeah, that's all it takes. Vitamins in my brain's working again.
[00:41:48] Dude, you're fucking, you're cooking with gas. Yeah, no waiting rooms, no appointments.
[00:41:57] Guys, it's probably changed the lives of every single person who's listening to this podcast.
[00:42:04] But if it hasn't, you can go online, you can talk to one of their licensed medical providers.
[00:42:09] No awkward in-person visits to the doctor. No awkward trips to the fucking pharmacy where they
[00:42:16] laugh at you. They ask you not to come back. They say, come back when you're a real man.
[00:42:22] And I say, I'm, you're not even from this country. And then they say, fuck you. So, guys, you don't
[00:42:31] know what to do. I know that shit. They send it to your apartment or home in discreet packaging,
[00:42:37] like a fucking secret agent. It doesn't say dick pills on it. And then you can rush to the,
[00:42:43] to the fucking mailbox and hide it from your girlfriend. I choose my backpack to hide it in.
[00:42:52] I have 100 dick pills on me at all times. And whenever we're making love, and she says,
[00:42:59] why does your breath taste like blue raspberry candy? I say, it's because I like candy. And she
[00:43:05] should mind her own fucking business. She says, well, I want some blue raspberry candy. I said, no,
[00:43:12] I ate the only one. Lips like sugar, sugar pussy.
[00:43:19] Have you heard this song, Lips like sugar? Yeah, it sounds like you'd get diabetes from sucking
[00:43:25] your wife off. If that were a shit. You ever eat pussy? So you ever eat Hillary Clinton's pussy so
[00:43:31] hard your legs have to be amputated? I actually just going to want to get back at bill for all
[00:43:38] that shit he pulled. Yeah. Sorry, folks. That's pretty good. I was thinking about this fat girl in
[00:43:52] Bite Town. Let's just say we got a date with Destiny. Is that her name? It could be. I'll write that
[00:44:01] down. That's good. Yeah, what's your name? Destiny? What's your name? Destiny? Because I got a date
[00:44:08] with Destiny. She said, no, my name is Michelle. And I said, I got a date with Michelle. Have you ever
[00:44:14] been to a stand-up comedy show? I said, have you ever seen a man pursuing a nightmare at 40 years old?
[00:44:27] A lot of people pursue their dreams, but some folks pursue a nightmare. Some folks
[00:44:32] pursue a nightmare before Christmas. Yeah, that's what Chris Angel said when I saw him live,
[00:44:37] that a lot of people follow his dreams, but he followed his nightmare. He followed his nightmare.
[00:44:41] That's pretty good. I like that a lot. Anyway, guys, you go to blueshoe.com. You sign up. You
[00:44:48] talk to one of the people. You say my book, you use promo code COMTOWN or KENT20. You sign up.
[00:44:52] You talk to one of those, their licensed medical providers, and they give you your first month
[00:44:58] free. All you have to do is pay five dollars shipping, and then you can get your day card.
[00:45:03] I, we can't guarantee your girlfriend. We can't guarantee that you'll last long. You might still
[00:45:09] bust quick, but it'll get hard as fuck. That's, that's, that's all girls. You don't have a hard
[00:45:15] old fashioned penis. I have hard penis. She said my penis is small and I told her no, it is old
[00:45:22] fashioned. What's going on, girlfriend problems? No, she said she'll be here in 20. Okay, we'll
[00:45:28] do it in a minute. Okay, so Sarah. Ah, fuck. Now I'm like, no, I'm just anxious because there's
[00:45:37] much of shit to do. Oh, we just got to move all that stuff. She'll help us. Yeah, move the stuff.
[00:45:41] I'm put that bitch to work. Move the stuff. Get those outlets done.
[00:45:45] Where, where the, which I was? Oh, yeah, the ones on the ceiling. And then also thinking about
[00:45:49] that pipes loose. So I should at least, no, that's fine. It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about the
[00:45:54] pipe. Yeah. Yeah. You can do that later. Yeah. I'm just trying to minimize. I don't want to,
[00:45:59] I don't want to pay to have the floors fucking look nice because they're going to be on camera,
[00:46:03] folks. I'm not, we're not insane. Making floors look nice for us. Are we going to have a no-shoes
[00:46:09] office? Are we going to have like an Asian family? You're going to have to wear booties.
[00:46:12] I'm going to wear a painters booties even while doing the show. You're going to wear a suit with
[00:46:17] painters booties on. That's, yeah, because Nick doesn't want me to ruin the floors. Oh, yeah.
[00:46:22] Now that I have nice floors, Jesus, I really am turning it to just an old queen. Yeah, literally.
[00:46:27] Yeah. Yeah. Nick put a plastic on their couch. Yeah.
[00:46:31] Yeah. I'm just, I'm just high asinthe now. She's the best. Yeah.
[00:46:36] She's a great show, folks. If you've never watched Keeping Up Appearances.
[00:46:39] We talk about it all the time. That gets a big recommendation from your boy.
[00:46:45] It is a, it is a show that both Nick and I enjoyed growing up and then we found out we were,
[00:46:50] I don't know, you're probably the only other person I know that's watched. Tim Dillon loves it.
[00:46:54] Yeah, does he? Yeah, my, it was my family show. We all watched it together. Really? I didn't,
[00:47:00] my family wasn't even aware of it. No, I was, because my parents are from,
[00:47:04] they lived in England for a long time. From South Africa. They're from
[00:47:07] mouth Africa. Mouth Africa. Yeah. They're from Gucktown, mouth Africa.
[00:47:12] We're welcome down here. We call it mouth Africa.
[00:47:15] Man, they're because I'm about their mouth alpha too. I'm going, dude. I'm, I'm, I'm,
[00:47:20] I'm going, I'm booking, I'm booking my flight. So I'm going, the John and Sparett, they're
[00:47:24] sucker penis. I'm going to see, I'm going to see Grady. She's 91. My, it's me. I'm just gonna,
[00:47:29] I'm too, I'm too, I'm too, I'm okay. It's me.
[00:47:32] Udom's good in the moon. Udom is groomer. I'm madam is good in the moon. Yeah. And I live here
[00:47:38] in mouth Africa. Nick, you should come to mouth Africa with me. We go in Safari, dude. We'll see
[00:47:42] like fucking exotic animals. Yeah. I love once, once we get this fucking show popping, dude,
[00:47:46] we're taking this shit on the road. We're going on tour again. Yeah, we are going on tour again.
[00:47:50] That is another thing that we're planning. Up and up and up. I was talking to our agents
[00:47:54] about it. They wanted to do it. Like you guys, we got just one, one, like three more weeks of just
[00:48:00] sort of a lull while we, while we do seven, no more patchwork. I know we said this already,
[00:48:07] but no more just feeding you slop. No, we're going to like, and look, and frankly, I'm sorry,
[00:48:13] but the podcast days are probably numbered. I guess we can continue to release an audio version
[00:48:18] of the video stuff, but we got to have a talk show. Yeah, well, have a, I mean, if it's a talk show,
[00:48:23] we can sort of release this audio. Sure. Yeah. But, but I mean, we are going to do a lot of,
[00:48:29] like we said, we are going to have exotic animals in here. Yeah. And they will all be wearing painters,
[00:48:34] booties. I'm so excited. I got to be careful though. Yeah. I got to be making sure that I'm
[00:48:38] not having mental illness. Oh, yeah. That's a, that's the best part about being mentally ill
[00:48:43] is that sometimes you'll be in a good mood and they have to go, this could be dangerous. Yeah,
[00:48:49] it's not. This could be bad. I got to be careful. I can't trust the depression. I know that's fine.
[00:48:53] Yeah. You know, yes, the up swings. Fuck this world. Fuck this world. But, you know, and the other thing,
[00:49:03] I don't want to speak for the Bluetooth corporation, but it does curiamatic depression as well. That is,
[00:49:09] uh, they're not promising it, but we have plenty of anecdotal evidence. Do you like that band,
[00:49:16] uh, panic at the Dick Sucking Factory? Yeah, they're from Vegas. Yeah. That's the, that's the band
[00:49:21] in my city. Panic at the penis center. Panic at the penis center. Panic at the place where you
[00:49:28] show your night tonight at the penis center. Panic at the place where you show your penis to
[00:49:33] your friends. Yes. Um, what, what are we going to talk about before the end of the video?
[00:49:43] Yeah, we've learned early on that this is, we learned early on that this is not the kind of
[00:49:48] show that can have zero preparation. It was nice that we had that for years. Yeah, but this is going
[00:49:55] to be, which is good. That's what you want. That is a fucking like, as a podcast listener.
[00:50:00] Not as a podcast listener, but as somebody that makes stuff, you shouldn't like, you know, the
[00:50:04] problem with the old shows is it was, you just phoned it in, you know, and this, it makes me feel bad.
[00:50:10] Yes. When you do that. Yeah, I know. And as the, as the standards are going to begin to change.
[00:50:17] Yeah. So it just kind of feels like that we were in that mode for a long time. You know,
[00:50:21] it's kind of evolving. Yeah. It's evolving. And so please come out to use this weekend,
[00:50:27] though, because all of the money is being sunk into the show. And I do need just maybe another
[00:50:33] month where I don't have to just live off stand up money. And then, and then we'll figure a budget
[00:50:40] out. Yeah. Fire and food yet, whatever that means. Yeah, no. Yeah, I think we need a kind of a house
[00:50:50] bitch. Yeah. My therapist said that I got to go no contact with my ex-girlfriend. Yeah. And I told
[00:50:57] her we didn't have any contact for the last two and a half years of the relationship. In fact,
[00:51:03] that was the entire time she's a fat black woman in prison that I started a correspondence with.
[00:51:09] And that's the only relationship I've ever been. You never got a conjugal visit? Yeah,
[00:51:13] I've never gotten pussy. Yeah, I didn't get pussy. She was actually scamming. I've tried pussy.
[00:51:19] Yeah, I watched a bunch of shows about there's that show love after lock up. I've talked about
[00:51:24] it before on the show, but women like in prison will find men and just like smuggling phones.
[00:51:31] Coming up on BBC four people just make they'll they'll scan them out of money.
[00:51:37] People who eat too much cheese. And then I'll just kind of stop doing it.
[00:51:42] I wish I could but every time I have to keep a more cheese.
[00:51:54] What's a giant rat from England? Few people know that half percentage of the population in
[00:52:02] England is just mutant to giant rats. About that for so random. That's totally random.
[00:52:09] Is that that's totally random? Is it random enough for? Yeah, no, I'll pitch that to robot chicken.
[00:52:17] Yeah, they could have some action figures do a stop motion.
[00:52:21] I like making part of robot the green robot chicken because it's literally that's just all I've
[00:52:27] ever done. Yeah, that's the kind of bullshit that I do. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's
[00:52:33] Jerry Springer, but he's fucking five million pounds fat jerry's ladies and gentlemen fat jerry
[00:52:39] Springer. So you you were sleeping with her brother and her brother was sleeping with with
[00:52:47] the US sister. I miss Springer. Is he still on TV? Jerry Springer? Yeah, a lot of jewelry. I used to
[00:52:56] watch it when I was sick. When I was home from school sick, it meant that I could watch Jerry
[00:53:01] Springer. It was the best. I wish I could earn the respect of black people like Maury Povich has.
[00:53:08] I think you're the show mostly. I got the demographics information. Mostly black people. Mostly black
[00:53:12] people. Yeah. Yeah, I think the hood fucks with Adam. The hood fucks with me and I got the
[00:53:17] baddest Chinese bitch on my side. It's weird that they call it a clitoris hood. You know, I guess
[00:53:25] in some cases it's because it looks like a hood on a sweatshirt. But in my ex-girlfriend's case,
[00:53:30] it's because it's been filled with black guys. I'll try that one out in the bite town. Thanks.
[00:53:38] Yeah, I guess you guys guess we don't have any racist. I guess we don't have any racist.
[00:53:44] I guess we don't have any virulent racists in the crowd tonight. Does that lady Lisa Lampanelli
[00:53:50] still do the roasts? They used to always say that she should have a lot of black lovers.
[00:53:56] Somebody's been telling me. That was the joke about her. Somebody's been telling me there's a
[00:53:59] dance dance revolution happening. Folks, yeah, good luck changing the government with dancing.
[00:54:07] You're going to need guns. You're going to need more than a couple of dances to get
[00:54:17] to get these. This is a man whose brain is dying. These clowns and clowns.
[00:54:25] What are you going to dance at Mitch McConnell? Yeah, good luck with that.
[00:54:32] Now they got this game, folks, called dance dance revolution. I get the dance part. I get the dance
[00:54:38] part. But the revolution part? What kind of revolution is happening? An audience of zero.
[00:54:45] Man losing his mind. That would be great. There has to be at least one homeless guy who's just
[00:54:55] doing stand up for no one. Just the guy in this stuff. Just observations about life.
[00:55:06] Make absolutely no sense. A guy who moved here for stand up who's literally failed and lost his mind.
[00:55:12] How about stand up, Mamadi? And a woman comes on stage and she's got a big pair of tits and we
[00:55:17] all drink out of them. Yeah, that'd be nice. That'd be better than regular setup. That's just like
[00:55:23] a woman in the 50s. She's got a tattoo above each one of her nipples and one says whites only and
[00:55:29] the other says colors. That would be racist. That's just how it was back then. That's just how it was.
[00:55:41] White women, they'd have. She'd let the brothers drink. They would have to let the brothers drink.
[00:55:46] They'd have two titties. And I said, which one of them is the colored fountain? That was my
[00:55:52] move back in the 50s. That was your pickup line. I point to that's. I point to a white woman and
[00:56:01] I'd say which one of them is a colored film. You sound like you sound like O.J. Simpson's childhood
[00:56:06] friend. Did you see the documentary? He's got a friend. No, no, no, no. But TV. He's one of those
[00:56:12] guys. I'd be like juice. That's where juice found out his father was gay. You know that? What?
[00:56:19] That O.J. walked in on his dad being gay. With who? With a guy. With a guy. Oh my god. Yeah,
[00:56:25] isn't that funny? That's gay. And then he kills his wife. Yeah. He killed his wife and her lover.
[00:56:32] You think his dad was on top or bottom? I wonder. Yeah. It does make you wonder. It does make
[00:56:42] you wonder. Yeah. Well, so they got this guy, Jesus Jones. Now I get the Jones part. But Jesus
[00:56:54] has he even been to Nazareth? You know why I think we should have the next president?
[00:57:01] You know those little guys they got outside of the Home Depot? Because they'll do it for cheap.
[00:57:07] That's true. And with the money we save, you know how we can explore space together,
[00:57:13] arm and arm with the rest of the world. What if they made the president you make like
[00:57:17] a hundred million dollars a year or a term? You do. You don't make that much. I guess you do
[00:57:23] through like speaker's fees. Speakers fees after the fact, but also by manipulating the
[00:57:28] stock market. Oh yeah. You're not playing the pick in the ponies and the stock market. Yeah.
[00:57:34] I guess you do. I was just thinking like maybe if they paid a lot of money, then we get a little
[00:57:40] bit more talent in there than these clowns they got right now. Kind of like teachers, you know.
[00:57:46] That's why all teachers are dumb and they don't know. I'll tell you what, I would love
[00:57:51] to bust up that fucking teachers union. I would love to just get in there, fire all of them,
[00:57:58] replace them with guys from the Home Depot parking lot. Because you know they don't.
[00:58:04] Now that's that's who the Chinese rittlers should call the littler.
[00:58:08] They ask me. It's really funny how little they are. It is very they are so little. Yeah.
[00:58:15] And it's funny too because in your head you're like oh that's probably because in Guatemala they
[00:58:18] didn't have fucking milk. It doesn't make sense. Yeah. Your brain makes up some racist reasons.
[00:58:28] Some stupid shit. Yeah. It's because they only they would have one taco a day in Guatemala.
[00:58:33] Yeah. They didn't afford tacos. They didn't have the nutrients. Meanwhile,
[00:58:37] I'm a solid at most four inches taller than most of those. Yeah. And I'm laughing at them as if
[00:58:42] I'm Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah. Exactly. They really do make me feel big. Do they? No. You should
[00:58:48] hire them to hold your dick. I should hire them. You want to drive? Well, yeah. Something like that.
[00:58:56] Yeah. Just come and come in my car. Just get in the van. Just get in the car.
[00:59:00] That was that's Henry Rollins book addressed to children.
[00:59:06] Just get in the van. Get in the van. What if what if um. We should have Henry Rollins on the show.
[00:59:12] Yeah. Be badass. He's a vegan. Yeah. Me and Henry Rollins are friends.
[00:59:17] You are. Yeah. Oh, you chill with Rollins. We don't chill. We correspond. Oh, you correspond. Yeah.
[00:59:22] Yeah. I send them postcards. And everyone could read it? Yeah. That's embarrassing. Henry,
[00:59:28] don't tell anyone I'm gay. I'm gay. Don't tell anyone. Yeah. Some guy in the post office calls you
[00:59:33] up. Oh, I heard you gay. Well, folks, it's about that time. What are you doing? You taking phone call?
[00:59:42] Well, okay. Well, folks, it's about that time. Thank you again for listening to the Adam
[00:59:50] Friedlin show. Adam has to go get his girlfriend at the front door. Perfect timing. Please go to
[00:59:56] patreon.com slash T-A-S-S and subscribe. We got big things coming. We promise. Yeah. It is going
[01:00:04] to be this is a new welcome to the future. The future. All right. Thanks, guys. Love you.