TAFS | Premium | 11/15/2022
[00:00:30] And it's the Adam Friedland show November 14th, 2022.
[00:00:54] We're back. The regular episode this week was it did have a video component. We recorded
[00:01:00] it, but I couldn't. The hotel Wi-Fi did not work and I went to several places where I
[00:01:08] couldn't I couldn't upload it since it didn't finish exporting until I had to go home and
[00:01:14] then it stayed on my desktop. So I tried to upload it on my laptop and that didn't work.
[00:01:19] So maybe we'll upload that onto the Patreon, but I'll have to give it wiggle room because
[00:01:24] if I upload it now, people are going to think that that's the video version of the regular
[00:01:32] episode this week is the Patreon content. And some of some other person is going to poison
[00:01:39] my cat. What happened? Yeah, somebody poised somebody somebody somebody didn't like that
[00:01:45] the last episode was 57 minutes long. So they they gave my cat anti freeze. No, they didn't.
[00:01:51] Yeah, I mean, it's happened. Wait, is the cat alive? No, she's dead. No, she's not.
[00:01:58] She's dead. Yeah, I've had family members murder. Stop it. I don't care about your family.
[00:02:03] The cat is alive. What? What was that? Your family members are all fine, but I got a duck.
[00:02:08] I don't care about your family. I got a doc now. If that cat's dead, I'm leaving this
[00:02:12] room right now. The cat the cat is unfortunately dead, but it's a cat. What these cats my favorite
[00:02:18] cat hold on. I got a dog. What about my family? You're duck. Fuck your family. Is the cat alive?
[00:02:22] Why fuck my family? Do you do you promise that his dad's dead? Pinkies where right now?
[00:02:29] That the cat is dead. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Pinkies where okay. So I'll tell you what folks,
[00:02:36] if you listen to the last one, so we were two steps forward, two steps back. That's
[00:02:44] his question. The Parkinson's shuffle. So there is video that should have gone up. It
[00:02:51] didn't. We're not pivoting back to audio. We're continuing the video content. Okay.
[00:02:58] There's been a just a we need to just to realign executive functioning, basically. Sure.
[00:03:06] Because I started speaking to people and I could only remember the words in Mandarin
[00:03:12] Chinese. Yeah. And I went to a neurologist and they said you're doing too much content.
[00:03:18] You're doing the des bishop. Yeah. Yeah. You've des-bishops yourself. We're going to have
[00:03:24] to remove one of your balls. Des-bishops, I need somebody to explain to me how it's not
[00:03:28] cancelable. I mean, I don't care. I would do Chinese voice on stage if I could. I will
[00:03:32] say this. Okay. The show is in terms of structure, we're going to move forward. So Jordan, thank
[00:03:39] you for your concern about my cat. But we did not introduce the guest yet. Sorry. And
[00:03:44] when this thing is real, you'll be in the holding. Okay. Having a woman with a bunch
[00:03:49] of bangs. Who blows up. No. Well, it's your show. If that's what you think the guest should
[00:03:54] be blocked. My friend. We're going to see a bunch of bangs. I said a woman with a bunch
[00:03:56] of bangles, you know, just barely moving your hair and getting paid $700 a day to do so.
[00:04:02] Yeah. You know, you're going to do that show with like do any show that you have a like
[00:04:05] a comedian on and they send you to hair and makeup. And because you're not an actor, the
[00:04:09] HMU people see you and they're like, oh, yeah, we'll just yeah, yeah, stay ugly, please.
[00:04:14] Yeah, we'll just miss you real quick. Yeah. Yeah. I was having a pink spray bottle with
[00:04:17] some mystery fluid in it. We're going to spray it on your face. No, what's an HMU? That's
[00:04:21] like a black college. Yeah. Yeah. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me. That these are the kinds of questions
[00:04:26] that when we have the show, you can't ask the guests. Why? Because they're not questions,
[00:04:32] they're set ups for your own jokes. And that's the thing we're going to have to work on.
[00:04:35] Practice on me. Go ahead. Ask me a question. What's a HMU? It means hit me up. It's when
[00:04:42] you want to get pussy pussy post midnight. Oh, I thought it was a black. You don't have
[00:04:48] a feminine affect at all until you say the word pussy pussy. Yeah, but you say it in a
[00:04:54] very, yeah, in like a like, like you're like vamping when you say the word, you have a
[00:04:58] list is that blue collar to Betty Boop. The second you say fucking pussy pussy. How do
[00:05:06] you say it pussy pussy? I don't know. Pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy. That's how I say it.
[00:05:13] I don't know what they tell you. That's the way I say the word. Now Jordan, you have a
[00:05:19] list. We'll come back. We'll come back to the guest segment. All right, folks, this is
[00:05:23] the Adam free. I had a really good one. All right. But fine. We'll say it. We'll repeat
[00:05:26] it later. I'm going to remember. I'm going to circle back. We'll repeat it later. But
[00:05:29] folks, this is the Adam Friedland show and like any talk show. And now I've decided you
[00:05:35] didn't bully me into it. I've decided what I need for my own sanity is to get back to
[00:05:40] a place where I'm just focused on writing the monologue and the desk pieces. And then
[00:05:44] let after that, Adam can be the story of the show. But I wrote a monologue for tonight.
[00:05:49] And I can't wait personally. Is that sarcastic? No, to be a store. I can't wait. Oh, yeah,
[00:05:55] you're going to be a star for sure. Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah. So it's the Adam Friedland
[00:06:00] show. Well, you want to update them from our last episode about what? Oh, yeah, we hired
[00:06:05] a producer. We have onboarded producer. That's a big Adam's been using the word onboard.
[00:06:10] On board. Probably every 30 seconds today. On board with navigate circle back. These
[00:06:15] are all linked jargon. What's it like a Navy term? Interface is on board. Yeah, I'm at
[00:06:23] stage star bird right now. Oh, star bird. Adam validates his experiences as an adult,
[00:06:29] not by zipping up his pants or not picking his nose. He uses email words to feel like
[00:06:34] a grown up. I validated through meaningful relationships with the people I love. Cultivate.
[00:06:40] Well, I don't know about that. I do that if I could. But that's not my strong suit. My
[00:06:44] strong suit is writing monologues for the Adam Friedland show. I feel like we have a meaningful
[00:06:48] relationship. Anyway, so it's the Adam Friedland show. Jordan, you have a list. We'll come
[00:06:52] back to you. Ready? I'll say the hardest thing for me to come back. Social distortion.
[00:06:57] Did you hear it there? Yeah. It's tough for me. Because I have a Simpson's
[00:07:01] just say social D social distortion. Social D social D. Yeah, there you go. Seriously is
[00:07:06] hard also. You got bad luck in your fucking gay and everyone. Yeah. How's that song go?
[00:07:13] It's like that. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone that are you shaving just right here? Yeah, it's
[00:07:18] not much. You're leaving. No, it's not mutton jobs. These are munching. No, because it's
[00:07:23] the negative space isn't creating the spot positive space. You have only positive space
[00:07:27] and then you've created a negative space. Does that make sense? Not at all. Okay, like
[00:07:31] it's she went to art school. Okay. Like instead of leaving something, you've only just taken
[00:07:38] away a circle. So instead of mutton chops, you have the absence of your just the chin.
[00:07:45] Well, the way I've interpreted is that Nick has adopted a popular 70s homosexual facial
[00:07:53] hair pattern is good. It is. Yeah. It's very like a leather bar or like an Australian
[00:08:00] gadget to sit here and allow people the two people that can't grow facial hair to slander
[00:08:04] Oh, I can grow facial hair, her parents are lesbians. Just keep saying the word pussy
[00:08:10] over and over again. So you got a lumberjack beard. Was that good thing?
[00:08:17] Les be honest. Yeah, that's a good one. They did that on the Jersey shore.
[00:08:21] What was the other one I had? Oh, I came up with this one. LL Flickr bean. Mm hmm.
[00:08:25] Like that. LL cool bean. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. That's good. And it's a it's like a
[00:08:32] black or Puerto Rican lesbian. When you were in. Y'all they call me LL cool bean.
[00:08:36] But it's also a nerd that says cool beans. You know I'm about my girls. You know I'm
[00:08:43] be about my girl. You know, there's like the like the dikey like, you know, you're just highly
[00:08:48] aggressive with women. They just love turning women out and then they're possessive or whatever.
[00:08:52] Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, it's November 14th. It's the Adam Friedland show. Your host,
[00:08:57] Adam Friedland with tonight's monologue from the top. Let's go. Jordan, if you want to give,
[00:09:01] because look, how is it going to work? Okay. Is down the line of I'm getting, we got Kurt
[00:09:08] Mascara on board. Mm hmm. Tonight I just wrote this myself. Yeah. We got Kurt Mascara on board
[00:09:12] and he's going to bring his guys from inside Amy Schumer from in all the way up inside Amy.
[00:09:18] All up in Amy Schumer. Yeah. Yeah. It was in her pussy and then she should
[00:09:22] him out of her ass all over Charlie Rose. Yeah. Um, and then we're going to get we're going to
[00:09:28] just we're going to nail this monologue. Okay. I'm fucking weak. So this is this is still just,
[00:09:33] this is just me. I needed 15 jokes. So you got 15. These are your 15 jokes. These are my 15
[00:09:38] jokes I wrote for the moment. Can I provide a parenthetical? Yeah. Okay. Nick needs. I we said
[00:09:44] it last episode to not touch the buttons. We are doing this episode to get back to our roots.
[00:09:51] Mm hmm. We're doing the monologue because we are comedians. Right. I've been to doing too many
[00:09:58] too many buttons. He's pushing too many buttons on cameras, lights, no more lenses, no more. We
[00:10:05] have made a decision to protect my fine young friend over here to go back to our roots. We can,
[00:10:14] as they would say in Canada. We go back to lenses and lights once this thing is once this fucking
[00:10:20] show is working for real. We'll find some fucking kids to do that. What we need to do.
[00:10:27] Are you, um, are you like fucked up on OxyContin or are you on something? Is that how I appear
[00:10:33] right now? Yeah, a little bit. I'm really nervous about the show right now. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah.
[00:10:37] You're like, you sound like my stepmom. You're like, whoa, she is on on those. I thought she was
[00:10:45] on Adderalls. You know, like all 20, like eight year old women are on Xanax right now? Like every
[00:10:51] single one that you meet in Xanax and Lexapro and they all have borderline personality disorder.
[00:10:55] A hundred percent of them have borderline personality. I'm telling you, a hundred percent of them.
[00:10:59] Well, I wouldn't know about that because my girlfriend is 14. I didn't think you had BPD
[00:11:05] until you said pussy. And then I was like, Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to kill myself. You don't come
[00:11:10] over right now, pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever told a guy you'd kill yourself? No way. No.
[00:11:15] We'll get to the interview saying, please can we read my monologue jokes? We'll get to it.
[00:11:18] All right. All right. All right. You guys just accused me of, uh, opioid addiction.
[00:11:23] I would love to see if you took the initiative to start getting addicted to back pills and
[00:11:28] effort to be a better team. You're the producer. You have to give me my my.
[00:11:32] Your ear pierced. He's had his ear pierced. He copied me. Do you have your ears pierced?
[00:11:37] I have my I have my ear pierced. Wait, just as a parenthetical. I got my ear pierced the day I
[00:11:43] quit my last day job. And just as a parenthetical is another one of Adam's email words,
[00:11:48] he's been saying, which he does in emails, even though you could just use parentheses.
[00:11:51] You write first of all, just as a parenthetical. First of all, I can't write. Okay.
[00:11:57] I say emails, but I can't write them. Okay. Second of all, Dave was here 10 minutes and he's
[00:12:02] already like, can you write that down? And it was stuff like remind me to go to lunch.
[00:12:05] Yeah, it's good. That's why we got Dave. Oh, you're the Stanford prison experiment guy. Like,
[00:12:11] if you have a slave, you're going to use it kind of thing. Like Dave came in and was like,
[00:12:16] let me help you out and you're like, a researcher. I think there's a guy in the south that was like,
[00:12:19] I mean, yeah, I have slaves, but I don't use them. I mean, I just I mean, I have them,
[00:12:23] but it's not like I use them. No, you I don't use them. I fuck them, but I don't use them. Yeah.
[00:12:27] Yeah. Yeah. I'm like that. Like if I pick up a Mexican day labor for carpentry, I'm for a
[00:12:33] sememinal ride his bed. Oh, for our I will be he will be giving me a piggyback. You're my boyfriend.
[00:12:37] Oh, I thought you said pick up like if you don't love me, you're going back to Mexico.
[00:12:42] Oh, I thought you met you've been, uh, you know, like a poo, uh, like a pickup artist.
[00:12:47] No, no, no, no. Like if I scoop them up at Home Depot and you don't nag them,
[00:12:50] you don't like try to pick them up. Have we talked about that? Did you guys read that book?
[00:12:55] I read that whole book. The game? Of course. It's the only book I've ever read.
[00:13:00] You're saying that. I was like, is there a book about raping day laborers? Yeah.
[00:13:05] Have you read it? I'm not. I was about to say where my where's my fucking royalty?
[00:13:09] I think my mom's going to rape these Amish people. She hired. She's in. Are they lesbians?
[00:13:12] No, they're men, but she loves that these men have these like little wives that stay at home and
[00:13:16] she latest M night Shyamalan movie. Yeah. I fainted NP my pants to the last night Shyamalan movie on
[00:13:22] a plane. It's like the lesbian car, they're raping Amish people. They just came out with that movie
[00:13:29] tar, which is a lesbian rapist. I thought it's about a composer. I didn't know what people were
[00:13:33] talking about. I literally my head just decided it was Tim Allen radio T.A.R. Oh, yeah. Well,
[00:13:41] that's what it's about. Did you ever do that? Your brain is just like, this is what this is and
[00:13:45] you don't look into it. And then you just, yeah, yeah, just wrong. Like the signs that say like,
[00:13:50] the word like parenthetical, you know, deer, zing, like the crossing signs. I always thought I was
[00:13:57] zing. Oh, Chinese deer ahead. Yeah. School zing. Are you talking about like the Malcolm X? What
[00:14:05] is it called? The Malcolm X Nelson Mandela effect? What are you talking about? You know about the
[00:14:11] Nelson Mandela effect? You know, I'm South African. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah. He's very important
[00:14:16] to me. My deep life. Yeah. All right. All right. You're flirting right now. No, I'm just oh, I thought
[00:14:22] your cat was dead. You told me his cat was dead. And then he I looked at him and he was
[00:14:26] she flirting with with you by saying, Oh, I thought you were serious slander. What do you mean
[00:14:32] slander? That's just how women act around in my family got Vanderpump rules over here. Yeah,
[00:14:37] I'm a stir up drama. Yeah, I'm a real house. We got we got Elizabeth Vanderpump over here trying
[00:14:43] to stir up drama. Well, okay. Let's do the monologue. Elizabeth Friedland. Now, now he wants to do the
[00:14:50] now that he's being called Vanderpump. He's ready for the monologue. Y'all, it's the
[00:14:53] Elizabeth Friedland show. We're bringing on two guests who are in love with each other.
[00:14:58] Adolf Hitler and and Rabbi. I don't know who's your famous rabbi.
[00:15:04] Smooly, buttea. Okay. Monologue jokes. Want me to read them? No, you're not the host. Okay,
[00:15:10] I was just checking. Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Friedland. Thank you.
[00:15:14] It's Friedland. That's all my name. It's laughing at the mic. So, pick it up. Hey, folks, we got a
[00:15:24] great show today from the being Ian podcast. We have Jordan Jensen. She has lesbian, but first
[00:15:32] the news of the world. But first the news, hundreds of Iranian children have been killed during
[00:15:38] protests against the government for more social freedoms, shattering the previous record of most
[00:15:44] children shot by police said, of course, during the 1989 eat your vegetables festival. Jordan, what
[00:15:53] do you think? The way you're reading it is very confusing. You have the you have the
[00:15:58] he's because I'm on television. I know, I know, I know, I know. And I want a zan.
[00:16:04] Hundreds of Iranian children have been killed during protests against the government for more
[00:16:07] social freedoms, shattering the previous record of most children shot by police said, of course,
[00:16:12] during the 1989 eat your vegetables festival. Yeah, it sounds pretty much the same as how I
[00:16:18] I get to the end of it. I forgot the beginning of too many words, huh? Too many. Hundreds of Iranian
[00:16:22] children have been killed during a protest. Shattering the previous. No, you need. Can I
[00:16:27] protest against government? You need that. Just let me try to reduce words. All right. Thank you so
[00:16:31] much. Is it the first one? It's the first hundreds of Iranian children have been killed during protests
[00:16:35] against the government, shattering the previous record of most children shot during the 1989 eat
[00:16:41] your vegetables festival. Most children you change. You have to create see the thing with the monologue
[00:16:46] jokes is that you're you're making cartoons basically. So you're always trying to just implant an
[00:16:51] image in someone's head rather than that's why, you know, they're short. They're punching. One more
[00:16:54] time. So you just want a little cartoon. So you imagine a bunch of Iranian children being gas and
[00:17:00] bean bagged in the face and shot and their skulls explode. Very sad. And the tanks rolling over
[00:17:06] them. And all they're trying to all they're trying to do is fucking like not have to wear a
[00:17:11] fucking bed sheet to school too much homework. Yeah, no, to do even have homework. Yeah. I did
[00:17:16] just as fighting for essential freedoms against this repressive regime. And then you say,
[00:17:22] shattering the previous record of most children shot by the police. Said, of course, during the
[00:17:26] 1989 eat your vegetables festival. That's good. And then it's just a goofy delivery was good.
[00:17:32] Because because that delivery was good. As you imagine, Cleveland, Ohio, 1989, spring day,
[00:17:39] right? A bunch of little polo shorts and tiny like a chili cook off. Yeah, chili cook off.
[00:17:44] And then they're like, we're going to eat vegetables and children crying and the police just gassing
[00:17:48] and murdering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just for not. It is very funny. Okay, fuck that one's out. No,
[00:17:52] no, it's funny. I liked it. This one's quicker punchier and it's a more classic monologue joke.
[00:17:57] Go ahead, Adam. No red wave this year. Yeah, the Christopher Walken thing.
[00:18:02] Yeah. No red wave this year. No, there's no red wave this year. How am I doing it? During the
[00:18:08] midterms, there's no red wave. They thought there was going to be one, but it turns out there's not.
[00:18:14] No red wave this year during the midterms. Why? Why do you know who else? Hold on. Let me stop
[00:18:19] you right there. Let me shine. Let me shine. I'll let you shine. When you've got something to light
[00:18:27] up. Well, let me show. We got a dead bulb in the flashlight. Give me a chance. Okay, let's go
[00:18:34] again. Well, you're getting a little okay. Okay. Okay. What can I say? I've been in my dressing room
[00:18:39] all day. You've gassed me wearing an egg. You've guessed. I haven't been gased nearly enough. Okay,
[00:18:45] let's get dead air for a second so that it's getting clean clean in the edit. And then we're
[00:18:49] going to do pick up on this one later. Go. No red wave this year during the midterms. You know who
[00:18:56] else was expecting red wave that didn't come? A woman that's about to go to jail for doing her
[00:19:02] own abortion. Classic. Hey, that was great. How was the read? It was great. The way you read it.
[00:19:07] How was the read? That's good. Perfect. How was the first one? We should have dropped. See,
[00:19:10] the first one, I didn't edit this at all. So the first one obviously way too early. That's my fault.
[00:19:15] The second one, I just want to get back in the tempo of writing monologics. Now, this is the kind
[00:19:19] of fucking dog shit that, you know, Bill Maher would say. So we don't want that kind of shit,
[00:19:25] but we want that, you know, you don't like Bill Maher? I love him. My mom really loves him. I don't
[00:19:30] really watch it. I'm a fucking dog. I'm a shark. I'm a killer. He looks so much like a dog. Anybody
[00:19:35] that's in, look, we're going to eradicate every other predator from this ocean. And it will just
[00:19:40] be the Adam Friedlin show. Well, he's going to die in a couple days. Yeah, me? No, no, Bill Maher.
[00:19:45] All right. Let's go. He'll be fine. Let's keep it going. A video is surfaced of a Russian soldier
[00:19:51] who defected to Ukraine in which he is executed by Sledgehammer. What a terrible way to go.
[00:19:58] It's a shame it had to be Gallagher's last show before he died. Okay.
[00:20:05] You've got how is the read? You've got a weird cadence that I can't tell if you're doing on
[00:20:08] purpose to tank the joke or I'm not tanking. Can I delete something really? I'm being a TV host
[00:20:14] right again. Let me try again. A video is surfaced of a Russian soldier defected to Ukraine in which
[00:20:19] he is executed by Sledgehammer. What a terrible way to go. It's a shame it had to be Gallagher's last
[00:20:25] show before he died. So lighter. Well, not lighter, but you're like, it's a shame it had to be Gallagher's
[00:20:33] last show before he died. You're putting like weird pauses. You're reading everything matter of
[00:20:39] faculty rather than deleting it. You know what it is? You have to read it before you say it. You're
[00:20:43] reading it for the first time, right? No. Oh, sorry. No, it's the Xanax. Yeah, yeah. I'm not on Xanax.
[00:20:49] Okay, okay, okay. Um, uh, you have who's the faggy guy from Michael Barbara? Michael Barbara?
[00:20:57] Oh. You're doing a Michael Barbara. Don't do Michael Barbara. Who's that? It's from New York.
[00:21:03] The daily. The guy who's like, this is the daily. What does he say? I'm Michael Barbara. This is
[00:21:08] the daily. I don't know. Whatever. Go to the next one. It looks like Georgia is headed to a runoff
[00:21:13] election. Run off with what you may ask. Herschel Walker's anti-mental retardation medicine. There's
[00:21:20] no question mark at the end. Run off with what you may ask. It looks like Georgia's headed to
[00:21:26] what you may ask. It looks like Georgia is headed to a runoff election. It should be a question mark.
[00:21:31] No, it looks like Georgia is headed to a runoff election. Run off with what you may ask. Well,
[00:21:36] Herschel Walker's anti-mental retarration. Oh, it's the answer. Yeah. It's the answer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:21:43] Yeah. I shouldn't answer. Seems like he needs that. Looks like Georgia is headed to a runoff
[00:21:47] election. I have to do like you may ask. Herschel Walker's anti-mental retardation medicine. Yeah.
[00:21:53] I had to pretty good spell down before I had an Adams like, what's speaking spell? What's
[00:21:57] the speaking spell? It's a she doesn't know either. Oh, with toy. Okay. He's illiterate. The joke is
[00:22:03] that he's illiterate. Change it to anti-mental retardation medicine as a placeholder. Next joke.
[00:22:08] Fuck it. Whatever. All right. This is racist joke. Don't blow your ruining the punchline.
[00:22:14] This is so much pressure on me. Every time you read it, you're worried about how you sound and
[00:22:18] you're worried about how it's written. And I don't know half the references. Well, don't you know
[00:22:22] that president Biden is I don't know who Herschel Walker is. I'll say that right now. How? I don't
[00:22:27] know. I don't know. I was writing. Well, you better. You better wake up. Yeah. He's the he's the big guy
[00:22:32] from the green mile. And now he's the president. Oh, yeah. Is he the president? No, he's not. No,
[00:22:37] he's trying to be the president. Wow. All right. Next joke. And Adam, do this one clean, please.
[00:22:42] Clean, please. Okay. Let's get an action and then two beats. Imagine you're on television. Okay.
[00:22:47] We need an action and two beats. Action. President Biden met with President G for the first time
[00:22:55] this week during the meeting. The Chinese Communist Premier remarked, Ching Chong Ding Dong. Sorry,
[00:23:04] you. Sorry, please keep reading. Ching Chong Ding. This is a serious joke. Jordan, please.
[00:23:16] Just can you please get through the fucking job. Can you please? You've ruined so many episodes
[00:23:21] of this fucking show? The worst guess ever. Let's bring Ian back. No, no, no. He's not coming back.
[00:23:32] During the meeting, the Chinese are from the top. Start from please. Just start from the top.
[00:23:35] Let's get this one clean action. All right, Jordan, take me seriously. Action. Go. Two beats.
[00:23:41] Action and two beats. Action. No, so okay. Action. President Biden met this week with President
[00:23:49] G for the first time during the meeting. The Chinese Communist Premier remarked, Ching Chong
[00:23:54] Ding Dong, Wingo Ding Doo, Danudo. Early repeating. Okay, let's do one more time. Sorry.
[00:24:02] President Biden met this week with President G for the first time during the meeting. The
[00:24:07] Chinese Communist Premier remarked Ching Chong Ding Dong, Wingo Ding Doo, Danudo.
[00:24:12] Repeating comments, President Biden had earlier made to a group of Pittsburgh coal miners. I'm sorry,
[00:24:20] again, you're putting the emphasis on the wrong words. President Biden met with President G for
[00:24:24] the first time this week during the meeting. The Chinese Communist Premier remarked,
[00:24:27] Ching Chong Ding Dong, Wingo Ding Doo, Danudo. We made comments, President Biden had earlier
[00:24:32] made to a group of Pittsburgh coal miners. How did I do it? Earlier as you got a punch earlier.
[00:24:39] President Biden met this president Biden met with President G for the first time this week during
[00:24:48] the meeting. The Chinese Communist Premier remarked, Ching Chong Ding Dong, Wingo Ding Doo, Danudo.
[00:24:53] Repeating comments, President Biden had earlier made to a group of Pittsburgh coal miners.
[00:25:01] Do you see the difference, Jordan, between what I'm doing practically the same?
[00:25:05] It was the same. Okay. All right. As long as he's getting better. Look, this shows about progress.
[00:25:13] Striving striving towards either failure or success, but neither are truly attainable.
[00:25:17] Yeah, but you have to be open to his rendition too.
[00:25:21] Sure. Yeah. That's true, Jordan. Thank you, Jordan.
[00:25:24] Because you did write it. So you have it in your head like you did
[00:25:28] whatever that other thing was that you had made up in your mind, Tim Allen.
[00:25:32] Yeah, Tim Allen, right? Miracle or whatever. Okay. All right. So this one, you're not going to
[00:25:35] want to read, but you got to read it. All right. A horrific crash at a Texas air show has left
[00:25:41] six dead after two World War II era planes collided mid-air. The tragedy has a silver lining, though.
[00:25:49] As I discovered through this news story, that there's something called a Chinook helicopter.
[00:25:55] What's that exactly? A helicopter that's both Chinese and Korean? What's next? A spicoon hover
[00:26:03] on Nick. You're reading it so well, though. Yeah, but I don't want to do racism anymore.
[00:26:11] Do you have to do racism? You already said the racist part. You can at least say hovercraft.
[00:26:18] A SPIC OON hovercraft. A spooky spicoon hovercraft. Oh, yeah. You don't even say it there.
[00:26:27] Yeah. As I discovered through this news story, there's something called a Chinook helicopter.
[00:26:32] What's that exactly? A helicopter that's both Chinese and Korean? What's next? A spicoon hovercraft?
[00:26:40] No. Okay. It's funny. Well, I thought it was funny. What about a spicoon? I ran the I ran the
[00:26:45] I ran the I ran the throw up because you already have that in Chinook. So you would want to go
[00:26:52] different. Oh, go to it. You would try and match Chinook in terms of the slur philosophically.
[00:26:57] He's not right, but practically he's absolutely a writer. I'm right. Yeah.
[00:27:03] Not that you don't know what you're doing. But I'm saying it almost would have been a
[00:27:05] misdirect because you're like, Oh, he's going to mix two different cultures, but then you just
[00:27:08] nail him hard with the same exact one. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What is what is what the
[00:27:13] hell is this? A shovel face dragon lady playing? Yeah. Yeah. Now I ran I ran this next one by Adam,
[00:27:20] and he liked it. So I like this show. Hopefully Adam can nail this one. Okay. And it's it's not
[00:27:25] mature. It's also still immature. Okay. But less offensive. Okay, that's what we're going for.
[00:27:33] Well, for that's what I'm going for. I want to turn things around. Oh, yeah. Okay. King Charles
[00:27:39] has asked Parliament to allow his brother to act in his place. What did I do?
[00:27:47] Yeah, sorry. We'll just go just do it. And then we'll do no tap. Well, we could have rehearsed
[00:27:51] before this. I thought you did. You got gave you the paper. We could have done it together. If you
[00:27:55] want to be a director, we could rehearse together and you could tell me how you want it. In my house,
[00:27:59] when we're mad at each other, we're not mad at each other at all. First of all, this isn't a house.
[00:28:03] This is a profitable business. But when we critique each other, we do it in British accents. That way,
[00:28:08] it doesn't sound so harsh. I don't know if I like the British accent so much. Maybe more
[00:28:15] Christopher Walken having a bone to pick with Elizabeth. Okay, go ahead. No, no. What's your
[00:28:21] bone? I don't want to ruin the joke. So do it. And then I'll explain why.
[00:28:25] Are you going in Elizabeth? I think you're you're you're Elizabeth, please.
[00:28:30] You're dooming me to failure before the audience has heard me. I just I'm sorry. I should have
[00:28:35] interjected, but please just read it. Is this what this show I thought we're doing a clean
[00:28:40] talk show with no mistakes anymore? No mistakes. Read it, Elizabeth. Just read it. And then go through
[00:28:45] King Charles has asked Parliament to allow his brother to act in his place when approached about
[00:28:50] the planet's brother Andrew replied, Oh, look at me. I'm King Charles. I'm gay.
[00:28:58] Perfect. The second half is what do you say? Minor note. Okay. Do it in an accent. Say you're
[00:29:03] no one acts at helps. Okay, I don't need to just say it. We're men. No, we're men. We're men. Okay.
[00:29:09] So we're men. So this joke, the the joke is is acting in his place. So acting like King Charles,
[00:29:16] you'd be like, Oh, look at me. I'm King Charles. I'm gay. Did that not come across? He did that.
[00:29:22] He did that. But up top, when you set it up, you have to subtly put emphasis on the word act.
[00:29:28] Act. So that way the word act is okay. That's a good note. You say King Charles. That's a good
[00:29:34] note. Allow his brother to act in his place. I think it still makes sense. But that is also a
[00:29:39] good note. But it's King Charles is asked Parliament to allow his brother to act in his place.
[00:29:43] Uh-huh. When approached by the plan, his brother replied, Oh, look at me. I'm King Charles. I'm gay.
[00:29:49] You know, and then you can ham it up. Do whatever you want. I thought I hammed it up. You did. It's
[00:29:53] just that very minor thing. When you read it, when you read it on camera, will you be saying these
[00:29:57] things? No, I don't want to do that. Anyway, I'm not even going to be here. No, we want to do a
[00:30:03] proper professional talk show. Yeah, they're going to have to remove me from the room. And then
[00:30:06] we'll have to be crying at the you screaming at him. You're all right. You're all right. I was drunk.
[00:30:11] I shouldn't have done that. I know you shouldn't drink anymore. I didn't. I didn't drink all weekend
[00:30:15] in San Francisco. Really? Yeah, the first first couple of nights. The first three nights of my
[00:30:22] three day weekend. I did the last two shows sober and I bombed. Really? You do better drunk? I just,
[00:30:30] yeah, just, I got a right new hour. I got to get off the road and write stuff I'm excited about
[00:30:35] because it's impossible. This is why I was always a shitty comic is like a joke is funny to me like
[00:30:39] two or three times and then I don't know how to perform it anymore. Yeah, yeah, you just numb
[00:30:43] out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you ever perform better when you're panicking? I feel like I perform best
[00:30:48] when I never pay. Yeah, but if I like drink a Celsius and pop in a role and I'm have my heart's
[00:30:53] gonna stop. I crush. No, even though I think I'm gonna die. I never crush. Oh, oh, got you.
[00:30:57] Got you. Okay. Next joke. I never crush pathetic. Anyway, it's so funny to think of you as a
[00:31:06] say these things about them. So just be it. Just be good. You're you are good. Whatever. Okay.
[00:31:12] A New Jersey woman called the police on a nine year old black girl who was spraying trees in
[00:31:17] her neighborhood to ward off lantern flies. The police finally managed to calm the woman
[00:31:23] after explaining to her that in the bug world lantern flies are actually black.
[00:31:32] I cut two words. The contact was really good too. Yeah. Looking up at me in the last moment.
[00:31:38] I have gorgeous eyes. It did help you. Yeah. I fell in love. How was that read? Good. Yeah.
[00:31:43] You liked it. Yeah. Okay. So more masculine. Less. Oh, you felt that was masculine. Yeah,
[00:31:49] more like more like it sounded like her saying pussy. What do you want to talk about? I don't
[00:31:54] know. Sorry. Can you say pussy or what? Pussy? Pussy. All right. Pussy Elizabeth.
[00:32:03] University of California academic researchers have gone on strike demanding higher pay.
[00:32:09] When asked about their demands, one of the lifelong Berkeley academics explained,
[00:32:13] we barely have enough money in our trust funds for all of our numerous and complex sexual
[00:32:19] reassignment surgeries. I was going to cut that one. Read it one more time. It's kind of
[00:32:25] transphobic. It's not really clear. Yeah. No, it makes sense. Berkeley. Yeah. Next. Whatever.
[00:32:31] What is that? I hit my stride. What? So Wi-Fi. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a care. It's an extra
[00:32:39] camera that's broadcasting your pussy to the to only fans. Those airport things were like showing
[00:32:46] you naked and then you walked through and look at it and it's just a gray stick figure. What was
[00:32:50] that? I don't know. I'll tell you this. Every time I go through one of those things, they tell me
[00:32:53] I have something shoved up my ass. There's always like a big red mark on my ass and they're like,
[00:32:58] okay, let's try again. Pull your pants up. And they're like, sorry, we're going to have to run
[00:33:02] our hand up your like they like fucking grope my ass and my inner thigh. And they touch your dick,
[00:33:08] too. Yeah. I mean, it's mine is my right ankle. There's always something on my right ankle. I have
[00:33:11] I have incredibly tight hamstrings and like an IT band here. Like you can feel it. Feel this thing.
[00:33:16] So they they stop. Oh, they stop. That's that bone? No. They stop me and they're like,
[00:33:21] is this a fucking baton? Oh my god. That's going to snap. Yeah. You got to stretch that out. Yeah.
[00:33:25] No, it's been like that forever. All right. I think you should read the trans one again quick.
[00:33:31] University of California academic. The joke is it's kind of telegraphed. It doesn't really work.
[00:33:36] And for the same reason I said up top, but you have to create an image. And this one doesn't
[00:33:40] really create an image with the language. But the idea is that it's it's like you see like fucking
[00:33:46] researchers and grad students, right? Right. So you know, those people and they're striking.
[00:33:50] They're brawls. They're striking because they want more money. And it's like, what do they want
[00:33:54] more money for? It's just complex back and forth trans surgeries. Yeah. It's you know, whatever.
[00:34:01] That one that one. I just need to hit 15. So that's okay. Okay. Moving on. Next one.
[00:34:06] In celebrity news, Pete Davidson and Emily Radichowski are supposedly dating. And many are
[00:34:12] calling it the power couple of the century with Davidson reportedly having a huge dick
[00:34:18] and Emily Radichowski and even bigger penis. Very good. Very good. That's a better one. Yeah.
[00:34:25] That's a better trans one. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I how I would read it. Let me let me
[00:34:30] know if there's a difference or from. Okay. Right. Pete Davidson and Emily Radichowski
[00:34:34] are supposedly dating and many are calling it the power couple of the century with Davidson
[00:34:39] Davidson reportedly having a huge dick and Emily Radichowski and even bigger penis.
[00:34:44] Same. Well, yours is it. Okay. Elizabeth says radio and yours is Taj point. Oh,
[00:34:51] with Elizabeth. Oh, you're calling me. Yeah. This next one. Read it. Read it like you're
[00:34:56] excited. Read it like it's it's not a news fact, but it's like a hot goss. Yeah.
[00:35:03] This next one Emily. What's sorry? Elizabeth. Pete Davidson and Emily Radichowski are supposedly
[00:35:11] dating and many are calling it the power couple of the century. Yes. With Davidson reportedly
[00:35:16] having a huge dick and Emily Radichowski and even bigger penis. And even bigger penis. You can't
[00:35:23] drop the NPR voice. It's actually pretty well in even bigger penis. I was doing a homosexual.
[00:35:27] And even bigger penis. And even bigger penis. And even bigger penis. And even bigger penis.
[00:35:32] And even bigger penis. And even bigger penis. Robert Seagull. That's what he's doing. I'm Robert
[00:35:36] Seagull. This is actually why you would benefit from taking Mandarin Chinese because the tonality
[00:35:40] of the language sort of it tells you where to place emphasis. Yeah. And when you go back in the
[00:35:44] solution. Yeah. Sure. And even bigger penis. Okay. The humor is all in that in the delivery. Well, I thought, I thought I got it up. I want to try reading one really bad. I just want to see. All right. Well, this next one is my my
[00:35:58] faith. You know what? Let let Jordan read the next one. Well, I want to do this one. No. Let Jordan let the guest read. I might just I just get embarrassed again. Is that the last one? No way. The last one on the page.
[00:36:07] You're looking director Paul Haggis has paid $10 million to his rape accuser. Haley Breast. When asked what she would do with the money. Breast replied, hopefully not get raped by Paul Haggis again.
[00:36:19] Mm hmm. It's pretty funny. I think that's the best one. That's great. Did I say brief straight? Yeah, I think so. We shouldn't say her name. It's in the news. Yeah. I mean, I told the
[00:36:33] famous rape tell the news. They said in the New York Post. I don't know if that's the news, but okay. Jay Leno has suffered horrific and agonizing facial burns and has been left permanently deformed after an explosive
[00:36:47] car fire in what many fans are calling the funniest episode of Jay Leno's garage yet. Good. Very good. How was that? Well, why garage? That's his show on YouTube. I'm a really bad. It's not funny at all. And
[00:37:02] yeah, it's just a straightforward show about cars. Jay Leno's garage. Is it like one of the horrible pandemic, like things that came out of the pandemic? I think it predates that actually. But yeah, Jay Leno has suffered horrific and agonizing. This is more more the cartoon thing, right? Yeah. So you create an image of Jay Leno just burning a death very sad way out of a of a car and then a guy at a very sad on like a fucking Dell in
[00:37:25] this baron just watching this video just laughing his ass off. But he's like, wow, this is a great show. Yeah. But did he burn his face? He did today. Yeah. It's comedy news. You should follow that. I don't look at. I don't Twitter. The man is an institution. Oh, still? Yes. Even now. And we're also going to have that your nose has been whistling the entire episode. You are blowing
[00:37:51] snot bubbles into the microphone. That's two hours. I was on a red eye flight. Me too. All right. No, you weren't. You came back yesterday. It's six o'clock in the morning. You had all day to kill your cat. Okay, Apple is a little bit. I haven't heard any whistling. I got he's on the headphones. I keep not being able to hear because and then I put the microphone to my ear. I realize it's something I'm doing every time one of you is talking.
[00:38:22] Well, now I'm embarrassed about the whistling. I don't worry about it. Can we restart the episode? No, no, you're not. It's probably your puffy. You're your pussy's whistling, Jordan. Yeah, it's slowly leaking air. That's a funny noise. Apple is increases monthly subscription price for Apple TV plus, which of course means that fans of Ted Lasso now have yet another reason to kill themselves. Great. Love it. Thanks.
[00:38:50] How's the cadence there? It's fine. I think that joke speaks for itself. Yeah, really no way you can fuck that one up. Okay, I'll keep that mind next summer. Right.
[00:38:58] The pause right before the punchline another reason to kill themselves. Apple has increased its monthly subscription price for Apple TV plus, which of course means that fans of Ted Lasso now have yet another reason to kill themselves. Oh, okay. Okay.
[00:39:11] Yeah, I did it more Jordan's way. Have you had another reason to kill themselves? Yeah, that's how I do it.
[00:39:17] Yeah. Whatever. Next one. Controversy surrounds the upcoming World Cup and guitar after reports that stadiums were built by slave labor confirming once and for all that not only is soccer gay, it's also racist.
[00:39:33] I was lost by the end. That migrant workers have died. Oh, gotcha gotcha. That was in my face. Sorry. I'm trying to read the... Are you sick again?
[00:39:51] I've been... We're both sick. Yeah. Every time I leave the studio, I get sick every single time. Yeah, we're not doing good. Yeah, we're bad. We're stressed out, man.
[00:40:01] I'm addicted to opioids. Philadelphia is set to welcome its first busload of migrants with open arms. This is a huge step forward for the famously racist Philadelphia.
[00:40:13] Unfortunately, to get residents to accept the deal, activists had to explain that the largely Honduran migrants were being brought there to beat up Vietnamese people.
[00:40:27] That's a local news thing. Yeah. What do you say, Nick? I don't know. I mean, why are you sad again? I'm not sad. I just said... I'm going to tell you. I had more fun writing it and reading in my head than the actual thing.
[00:40:38] What about... Yeah, go ahead. Can I see it? Yeah, yeah, go for it.
[00:40:43] It's this one? Okay. Philadelphia is set to welcome its first busload of... Okay, here's the problem. When you're reading it, Philadelphia is set to welcome its first busload of migrants with open arms. You forget what's happening because the cadence is so unmatched to what it's being read, right?
[00:41:01] Adam reads each individual word. He's like celery, basically. So you have to... For sales press too. Philadelphia welcomes its first load of migrants with open arms. This is a huge step forward for famously racist Philadelphia. Unfortunately, to get residents to accept the deal, activists had to explain that the largely Honduran migrants were being brought in to beat up Vietnamese people.
[00:41:24] I didn't think that was very good. To be honest, you were taking shots the whole time and that was dog shit. No, I think that was really bad. Yeah, you ran out of breath. I did run out of breath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was able to picture that. You sounded like an autistic kid. All right, all right, all right. Yeah, go for it.
[00:41:39] Philadelphia, you know what? It's two verbose. You can do it. Philadelphia welcomes its... I'm going to reduce the words right now. In my own... I'm going to do that in my head. Go for it.
[00:41:46] I remember that I'm doing that, that I'm editing. Philadelphia is set to welcome migrants with open arms. This is a huge step forward for famously racist Philadelphia. Unfortunately, to get residents to accept the deal, activists had to explain that the largely Honduran migrants... You did it again. You fucked it up again.
[00:42:04] Yeah. Yeah. Two answers. Howie Mandel, you're just not right for it. It's too many words. You're worse than Adam.
[00:42:10] Philadelphia is set to welcome its first busload of migrants with open arms. This is a huge step forward for famously racist Philadelphia. Unfortunately, to get residents to accept the deal, activists had to explain that the largely Honduran migrants were being brought in to beat up Vietnamese people.
[00:42:26] You know what? Fucking nailed it. Yeah, I think it was kind of like mine. That was similar to mine. What? Philadelphia is set to welcome its first busload of immigrants with open arms.
[00:42:36] Huge step forward for famously racist Philadelphia. Immigrant is a racist word. What's the right word? You put migrants. You told me to say migrant. But that's what the article says.
[00:42:45] But all of the welcomes of barrel of immigrants. It's huge step. What do you mean, barrel? It's huge step. We're changing it. It's huge step forward for famously racist Philadelphia. Unfortunately, to get residents to accept that I can't...
[00:42:57] I'd take out the second Philadelphia and I'd say for the famously racist city of brotherly love, two Philadelphia's may be unnecessary. What do you think?
[00:43:09] Migrant activists, maybe. Activists had to explain that. What do you think? They're in migrants. Oh, you know what? Largely Honduran migrants. That's where it's confusing.
[00:43:17] Because you're saying are they large Hondurans? No, they're mostly Honduran. That makes sense. The most Honduran migrants were being brought in to beat up Vietnamese people, largely Honduran. That's grammatically incorrect, largely Honduran migrants.
[00:43:31] Okay. Agreed? Sure. Is that it? I was just happy with the Paul Haggis one. That was fire. That was the only one that I'd like to do. That was really good, Nick. I'm going to read it again.
[00:43:46] Director Paul Haggis has paid $10 million
[00:43:51] Would ask what you would do with the money.
[00:43:52] Priest replied, hopefully not get raped
[00:44:01] Folks will be right back with Adam's desk piece.
[00:44:06] so we would shoot the monologue, do pickups.
[00:44:10] And they'll, you know, they're not gonna laugh.
[00:44:14] and then force them to laugh at the jokes.
[00:44:22] I'm gonna go to, I'm gonna get fucking Home Depot parts.
[00:44:33] No, I want people from Central Casting.
[00:44:37] what about people from Central America?
[00:44:56] Is this where the desk piece is gonna be?
[00:44:58] We'll have him up here and then we'll have like,
[00:45:03] gotta figure out a bunch of like refillables.
[00:45:09] Okay, and the desk piece, you'll be with a guest.
[00:45:15] That's like where Jay like reads the headlines.
[00:45:24] and then you pick one new story or something going on
[00:45:26] and then you build out like a longer bit.
[00:45:44] I'll fuel produce them, but I'm not gonna fucking,
[00:45:50] it never shows the person he's talking to.
[00:45:53] And the microphone goes to the other person
[00:45:56] Oh, Nick pitched a beat going on a plane
[00:46:04] No, he thought that would be a funny thing
[00:46:05] to say that I pitched, but I didn't pitch that.
[00:46:07] Why are you hating on my ass right now?
[00:46:16] Did you tell him to go on a plane and say, well,
[00:46:22] I vaped in a plane bathroom and the thing went off.
[00:46:31] No, it was a gay flight attendant, one of the worst.
[00:46:45] I had a flight with the most horrific flight attendants
[00:46:51] And usually I don't watch a movie on the plane.
[00:46:53] I just sit there and watch the flight tracker
[00:46:59] I just sit in the chair and I just watch the fucking thing.
[00:47:21] That's a new thing, they're headphones.
[00:47:22] You watch the flight tracker, that scares me.
[00:47:28] We haven't even taken off yet, you know?
[00:47:32] oh, actually can I get those headphones?
[00:47:33] He's like, I'm not allowed to give out headphones anymore.
[00:47:38] Oh, actually we can't give out headphones anymore.
[00:47:41] Did he say you have to pay for him or something?
[00:47:42] No, there was just the headphone giving out
[00:47:47] I've no idea either Delta or American Airlines.
[00:47:51] I was in first class the other day, I told you that.
[00:47:57] Because I'm a sky priority, because I fly so much.
[00:48:03] All right, so we're not going to do the death segment today.
[00:48:09] We're not going to do the death segment today.
[00:48:11] That could be a good death segment is what's in your nose.
[00:48:16] And then we just bring on Stephen Dorphy.
[00:48:18] He's like, I don't know, man, I've been struggling lately.
[00:48:25] And we figure out what's in their nose.
[00:48:29] And we get a cartoon with you with a big nose.
[00:48:48] That's the new name of the Adam Friedland talk show.
[00:48:51] The elegant to the room with Elizabeth.
[00:48:55] Wednesdays, that's the regular Adam Friedland show.
[00:48:57] The premium content on Patreon is the elegant in the room
[00:49:07] And you're a woman bitch who's a cunt to everyone.
[00:49:14] That would be good for you, I think, emotionally.
[00:49:18] No, I just turned into Porky Pig there for a second.
[00:49:31] Nick seems like he's been through multiple wars
[00:49:33] and you seem like your name has previously been Elizabeth.
[00:49:43] It's also the show we should have a segment that's
[00:49:45] because we're trying to create the greatest talk show of all time.
[00:49:51] And then after that, Adam contacts dead relatives
[00:49:58] And we do crossing over with John Edward.
[00:50:01] We'd have to get intel on the audience beforehand.
[00:50:11] And he's like, does anyone here have a son named Timmy?
[00:50:23] You got a Harley in the garage or something.
[00:50:27] He's like, yes, I have a motorcycle in the garage.
[00:50:31] Yeah, Timmy said you fucked him in the ass.
[00:50:36] Timmy said you just fuck him all the time and suck his dick.
[00:50:41] Like in front of the other neighborhood kids.
[00:51:09] No, I'm going to tell you the horrible thing.
[00:51:12] I'm going to run and blow my nose real quick.
[00:51:17] And Chappelle, David Law Chappelle, that's not his name.
[00:51:23] That's actually a photography, I think.
[00:51:33] He said, you didn't bring your motorcycle today.
[00:51:40] And I was like, oh fuck, I thought you were John Laster.
[00:51:49] He was like, who the fuck is John Laster?
[00:51:51] But then I think he knew how embarrassing it was for me.
[00:52:02] So that's what I've been dealing with this week.
[00:52:05] Dave Chappelle pissed off audiences by Perp.
[00:52:23] Wait, did he pretend that's what they were arguing about?
[00:52:30] People say that he was too sympathetic to anti-Semitism.
[00:52:41] I've been saying call me Kanye on stage right now.
[00:52:47] She's like, you got too many Jews running the media.
[00:52:55] They got too many Jews running the Hollywood.
[00:53:02] The amount of black people that are now anti-Semitic going
[00:53:09] Yeah, I've been checking in with my black friends daily
[00:53:22] Most of them said that they would and frank me
[00:53:27] during the impending black versus Jewish.
[00:53:30] Yeah, black women just hate all the cost.
[00:53:37] They've gotten in many a screaming match.
[00:53:38] Yeah, I was carving my name into the sidewalk once.
[00:53:40] There was like, and this woman came by and she was like,
[00:53:42] do you think that you can just write your name
[00:53:46] And then I was so fucked up on mushrooms at the time
[00:53:49] She said you're appropriating your name?
[00:53:51] Yeah, the neighborhood by writing my name into this.
[00:54:00] And then I handed her the stick I was using.
[00:54:02] And I was like, you can write your name also.
[00:54:04] And I was tripping so hard that I couldn't view anything
[00:54:10] And what is tripping is like acting a fool?
[00:54:26] I'm on the down low and I trip sometimes.
[00:54:30] I am getting tired of the mushroom craze.
[00:54:35] I'm a personal problem rather than a craze.
[00:54:36] No, everybody's doing this mushroom craze thing.
[00:54:39] I'm getting tired of this cocaine craze.
[00:54:42] Yeah, I'm sick and tired of the opioid craze.
[00:54:45] It's doing Xanax before we have to do the show.
[00:54:48] I think the culprit is used to come back.
[00:54:58] Do I just think that I'm a microcosm of everybody else's?
[00:55:00] You only hang out with people that only hang out with companies.
[00:55:05] I tell you, you know you've got a microcosm.
[00:55:16] What is the character Adam at this point?
[00:55:37] A couple of crap though, it's just making a crap show for crap people.
[00:55:43] Did we adequately address where we're at?
[00:55:52] I can't wait to get home and irrigate my nose.
[00:55:59] It blows water into one side and sucks it out the other.
[00:56:04] No, it's like douches your fucking head.
[00:56:11] I'm over here thinking I'm getting like I've been fucked up from repeated bouts with COVID
[00:56:17] I just got parasites in my head from putting toilet water in the fucking nanny pot.
[00:56:24] Why use toilet water because you think it's cleanest water because you got to just poop
[00:56:32] It's got to be, it's got to be, it's got to be ready for poo and pee.
[00:56:58] I think I have repeated COVID and that's why I'm fucked up all the time.
[00:57:02] I don't think anytime any COVID just walks by me at like react.
[00:57:04] I think it's a combination of COVID and then also being a vegan now.
[00:57:08] I think I was giving myself brain damage with only eating plants.
[00:57:19] Well, here and there, I mean, it would be something like, you know, I eat some sun chips
[00:57:46] And so I don't know what you're thinking eating pussy.
[00:57:51] I'm going to read my most recent new joke that's written down out loud.
[00:58:13] I got a fat hand that they can't remove from the paper.
[00:58:33] Fat girls are, yeah, these are bullet points and then you flesh them out onstage.
[00:58:40] Well, Italian people are better at cursive.
[00:58:42] Old people always say a poem and make a demand, like what am I...
[00:58:46] Italian people sort of use cursive mannerisms.
[00:58:48] Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying here.
[00:58:56] Italian people, when they speak, they look like...
[00:59:02] They talk like they're conducting a deaf orchestra.
[00:59:11] What was the question you wanted to ask Jordan for the interview?
[00:59:22] Is that because your parents are homosexual?
[00:59:29] It's a get her to open up about her childhood.
[00:59:32] What's it called when your family members make it?
[00:59:40] Is that why they call them scissors sisters?
[00:59:55] I don't know two women can make a baby.
[00:59:59] I thought you need a nice set of balls to do that.
[01:00:05] Then you need a man and woman to make a baby.
[01:00:09] They could do it if they could just go to a sperm man.
[01:00:39] But you think if we did a hard-hitting Charlie Rose,
[01:00:45] You think if you sat down with a guy that owns
[01:00:47] Ty Koon and Penn Station, we could sort this all out.
[01:00:55] What the fuck is going on with that fucking head?
[01:00:57] I can't believe you watched the flag tracker.
[01:01:17] I would love you guys to practice on me.
[01:01:33] No, when you fuck somebody and you're practicing
[01:01:36] Yeah, you're getting to know their body.
[01:01:42] but you're just know that you're practicing fucking.
[01:01:44] Oh, I make love with people I love, typically.
[01:01:48] Every fucking counter with me is like a tool showed.
[01:01:52] 30,000 people, lasers, fog machines, aliens doing yoga.
[01:02:06] But you know when you do that when you're practicing fucking
[01:02:08] with somebody you hate, that's what I want to get into again.
[01:02:18] I say I love you before every time my penis goes in.
[01:02:22] I say I love you real quick right before.
[01:02:59] I would have done with the Philadelphia question.
[01:03:01] I would have been like, take me back to Honduras.
[01:03:10] I said I wrote all of these, and he said there.
[01:03:12] And he's like, this is bus full of migrant workers.
[01:03:14] And then there's like seven vape drags.
[01:03:17] Something about how like Philly sucks or something.
[01:03:24] Something about how Philly stinks or something.
[01:03:27] And then he goes, I'm going to take a walk around the block.
[01:03:29] Why don't you submit what we have so far?
[01:03:40] So it looks like everybody's gone through it.
[01:03:45] The King and I opens on Broadway this week
[01:03:50] are they going to get to play the King?
[01:03:53] His eyes are going to be open on these Kings.
[01:04:18] That's where I got more misfit, actually.
[01:04:22] That's where you should do man on the street stuff.
[01:04:24] I'm going to open a building right next to theirs
[01:04:28] It's white guys that are like, what a real boob.
[01:04:41] see the first one, black people were white.
[01:04:43] And then blacks came along and made themselves black
[01:04:49] And they stole black skin from the white man.
[01:04:52] And they were turned black by the evil whatever yuck.
[01:04:58] I'm just wearing a tablecloth for DJ Mass.
[01:05:02] I got a bucket of candelabra, super glued to my forehead.
[01:05:11] is that the Native Americans were turned brown for their sins.
[01:05:19] Remember the kittens scored point to a mole and be like,
[01:05:20] see that I'm black and the rest is a birthmark.
[01:05:28] It's funny that black people can get vidiligo.
[01:05:34] wants to get so stressed out that he bam got vidiligo on his eye.
[01:05:41] He got his headphones and his laptop and his backpack stolen
[01:05:47] So much as this shit gets stolen in his body,
[01:06:09] And I don't really know what's going on.
[01:06:17] Yeah, you go on your eyelids drop halfway.
[01:06:25] I mean, I think that's what I'm going to say.
[01:06:34] I thought the bug is a stepping up these days.
[01:06:51] But they're hands behind their back pondering hair.
[01:07:02] It's kind of more of a sketch, I think.
[01:07:14] So Frankfurt School, that's like the Stanford Prison
[01:07:20] Yeah, I think comedians say to indicate that they're, you know.
[01:07:29] People drop the word Bukowski here and there.
[01:07:50] I don't know about all of their thoughts.
[01:07:55] Especially the culmination of German thought.
[01:07:58] It's so funny that that's what the fucking Enlightenment led
[01:08:08] I remember reading all that German philosophy shit.
[01:08:09] I remember being like, I remember reading Nietzsche
[01:08:11] and Hegel and all that shit and being like, I can control
[01:08:16] And I would be like, I'm going to take all these people's money.
[01:08:19] But I'd be like, that's because money will corrupt me.
[01:08:27] If you read German philosophy, it makes you into the Uber
[01:08:30] It makes you think that you're like almighty.
[01:08:34] Because it's basically like, don't let anybody tell you
[01:08:38] And that's what Hitler did with the Jews.
[01:08:45] Oh, but don't let them say you're less.
[01:08:48] Read the world of anything less than you.
[01:08:51] So you think the Holocaust was a good idea?
[01:09:06] Costco's finally brought the samples back.
[01:09:11] Well, that's kind of trying to help one of you guys
[01:09:18] Sometimes that's what I do is I'll just say something
[01:09:24] I literally just hit it with the cost, I think.
[01:09:27] I'll just say something and then people laugh at me
[01:09:29] because they think I'm having a stroke.
[01:09:35] Because that's how I probably lost 60 pounds
[01:09:46] Yeah, they're saying you got fat off beans.
[01:09:56] You know in jail, that's what they give you.
[01:09:57] Just wet beans in a raised crispy tree.
[01:10:00] That's not the only thing they give you.
[01:10:06] You also get bent over and anally raped.
[01:10:11] This will get an anal fissure from a penis that's larger than your anus.
[01:10:19] Now, I've never gotten a fissure, actually.
[01:10:23] No, they call my butthole the unsinkable Adam's butthole.
[01:10:25] They actually, they had guys in prison that just call condoms.
[01:10:32] And then you're just, then you never take you off.
[01:10:36] They just walk around and you just get dragged in between some guys' legs.
[01:10:46] That's the worst guy to be in jail is the condom.
[01:10:50] And then they shove you into another guy's ass.
[01:11:00] You at the come town show the other day are the, sorry, the c'mon over.
[01:11:17] Adam loves telling me about how well his new jokes are going.
[01:11:22] He's like, yeah, to be honest, I did 15 new jokes last night.
[01:11:25] He really did an hour and a half the other day.
[01:11:35] No, I'm actually quite confident when you're not there.
[01:11:49] I'm just gonna just limbo space for him.
[01:12:02] And that's what you're trying to tell me.
[01:12:05] Oh, it looks like a member of the Jewish media.
[01:12:08] They tell you if you have abandoned issues you should have a carry around a little guy
[01:12:17] They just say that it helps it soothes you.
[01:12:19] Nick gives them something else to hold on to.
[01:12:23] I'm gonna bring back domestic violence.
[01:12:29] Well, it's at a certain point it'll cross over and become like a vintage.
[01:12:33] It seems like that to me like a 50s thing.
[01:12:38] You know, like, hey, where you going dressed like that?
[01:12:46] Why are you dressed in a pinstripe suit?
[01:12:49] You're like, you're about to find out you dumb bitch.
[01:13:02] No, I was missing, you know, just the way it used to be.
[01:13:08] Thanks for tuning into the Adam Friedland show.
[01:13:10] Hopefully, at the very least, you enjoyed the monologue.