[00:00:00] It's the Adam Friedland show. It is December 28th

[00:00:05] 2002 and

[00:00:08] We are live let me get the timer going here

[00:00:13] Okay

[00:00:15] And Adam is out for the week is in South Africa

[00:00:19] It's just made joined by Jordan Jensen recently back from a interesting family situation

[00:00:26] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[00:00:28] So if you were you were just talking about this off Mike for a second

[00:00:33] And then I mean you don't have to tell this story, but I said let's turn the recorder on we chatted for a minute

[00:00:41] I said it was Christmas and I went home

[00:00:44] Wherein which I saw my stepbrother who notoriously I've had sex with we're not really

[00:00:50] Oh, see you kind of you kind of blew the load so to speak

[00:00:54] Everybody knows this everybody knows every knows this in fact, you know, what's kind of fucked up

[00:00:59] What is I so one of my mom my biological mom knows she's always known she kind of knew that?

[00:01:06] You know it was like a it was actually a Christmas like many many years ago and

[00:01:11] You guys get stuck in the chimney

[00:01:13] Yeah, I got stuck in the chimney and he had to help

[00:01:16] Knees coming downstairs Santa's here and they're like this. Oh, Santa

[00:01:20] Stay away from the fireplace. That's not Santa

[00:01:27] No, yeah, I got stuck in it like it was a washer and he had to prime me out

[00:01:32] Mm-hmm and using his dick using his dick like you're scooping fucking peanut butter out with a knife

[00:01:37] Yeah, just popping you out of there. Yeah. Yeah, and then but his other mom didn't know

[00:01:43] But I think his other mom has gotten it because she listens to her podcast where I've talked about it many times

[00:01:48] Yeah, there was no acknowledge of this acknowledgement of this last night where we were all together

[00:01:54] Mm-hmm and he was there and I was there. He was very attractive as he always is yeah

[00:02:00] And it's funny because you say that and it's like and people will get angry at this

[00:02:04] But as a heterosexual man which very few people believe as soon as you say he was very attractive

[00:02:09] I just imagine James Bond

[00:02:12] Imagine Sean Connery has like a skater pong clots of tattoos. He has like a very he's very wirey

[00:02:17] I'm just imagine your white trash house and fucking Sean Connery in a tuxedo. I like that you're imagining that she's good to she

[00:02:24] Again, yeah, I like they're giving me the benefit of the doubt. No, he's like he's like a trash GED

[00:02:29] Okay works

[00:02:31] Construction that my mother taught him. Yeah, I think James Bond is a GED

[00:02:36] No, I don't think he does he's Scottish isn't it James Bond's backstory is that he's like a Scottish mongoloid

[00:02:42] It's just got mongoloid. Yeah, he's got like a mental disability. Doesn't he what I don't know

[00:02:47] I'm really wise. I've never seen you obviously do know

[00:02:50] I haven't seen any of the movies you just gave like a full description that I've never even come close to hearing about

[00:02:55] You know something. Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure that's the backstory of James Bond that he was like war to the state because he was a mental

[00:03:01] invalid

[00:03:02] What yeah, well, that's the whole like plausible deniability thing is like they would hire mentally disabled people to be spies during World War two

[00:03:10] Because if they got caught they'd be like no it goes a fucking retard. He's not

[00:03:16] No, no, what is a mongoloid technically? I've always it always imagined it as like Sasquatch with you know a full retardation

[00:03:23] It just means Down syndrome, but

[00:03:26] Interestingly enough where the term and I've told this before on the show

[00:03:29] But where the term mongoloid comes from is in the late 1800s. There's a man named John Langdon Downs

[00:03:35] Who was a social scientist prior to that even really being a thing like you know

[00:03:42] You know science when science was new you just need to be like a guy with like a top hat

[00:03:46] You're like yeah, scientist. Yeah, right. I'm going to smash this rat with a hammer. Yeah for like an auditorium

[00:03:53] You just be able to just do surgery

[00:03:56] No, these two fucking surgeries like it was destruction Derby you could just get like a woman from the orphanage

[00:04:01] I'm like let's see if we can cut her pussy out and keep her alive and then it wouldn't work

[00:04:06] I'm just describing the opening scene from the Nick. Oh, yeah. Yeah

[00:04:11] He tries to do he tries to like save woman because she's he's like inventing C-sections or something

[00:04:16] right and he's like I'll make an insertion here and

[00:04:19] Remove the baby and then we will keep the mother alive by the vivis section of the pussy and you know

[00:04:26] But he's all fucked up on drugs. Yeah, and he kills her and he's like

[00:04:30] Sorry

[00:04:33] The theme song plays yeah, and the people in the balcony. I'm like you sold me this is the best show I've ever seen

[00:04:39] But no, so there's a man named John Langdon Downs and in I guess psychology or whatever it used to be that was like

[00:04:46] It was like none work basically to go work with like the manly retarded

[00:04:51] Because and this is back. This is back in the days when calling them retarded. That was the PC

[00:04:56] Sweet thing to do yeah, right that was like you'd be like you'd be like like oh I care about retards

[00:05:01] They're like what you mean morons you mean idiots and like please retards those that used to be like the nice term back

[00:05:10] Then it was a retard because they were mentally retarded

[00:05:13] Yeah, they would know they would call them morons and idiots

[00:05:17] Every every 14 year old notice I you know it's when I started stand up

[00:05:21] That's when intellectually disabled came out and I was like who's gonna say intellectually disabled?

[00:05:27] You know because it's like they're not intellectual. I'm intellectually disabled. Yeah, it's way. I don't know literally retarded

[00:05:37] I mean that is the perfect word. They are physically retarded. That's what's going on in the brain. Yeah, right

[00:05:43] But the make it retardant retard

[00:05:45] Yeah, they've been intellectually disabled seems to have stuck and now I say it I guess I think if I'm talking to one of them

[00:05:52] I go so you're welcome to the Adam Friedland show you're intellectually disabled by the way and they would say yes

[00:05:57] They go yes, of course. What about

[00:06:00] That's actually how I got the job in the first place. We had James Bond on the show a couple weeks ago

[00:06:05] So that's kind of no no no no we came in yeah, we had yeah James. Well nice. I'm pretty sure it was James

[00:06:11] Why who is that little melted man that you had we had two of them? I don't know which one the man who looked like a when you take

[00:06:17] Sand and you make a drip castle there were there was two of those guys what yeah

[00:06:21] One of them is is the trumpet guy and the other one is Jean Denappoli the Elvis impersonator

[00:06:27] I don't know which one is which but I'm gonna have to say solid trumpet guys

[00:06:31] This man is even if he never touched a trumpet. He's the trumpet

[00:06:34] Doug Levison that's the trumpet man, but let me finish this

[00:06:38] Okay, yeah, and I'll get back I'll get back cuz I got a funny story about him and then we can go back to you fucking your family

[00:06:43] All right, we're at Langston, which is a perfect name for somebody who?

[00:06:47] Participates in incest. It's surprising. You don't know more about the mentally disabled. Yeah, I know I caught my stepbrother

[00:06:53] Googling

[00:06:54] Geniuses who fucked their relatives after we thought that's like having unprotected gay sex all the time and being like what's HIV?

[00:07:00] Yeah, what is it? I've never heard of it. I wasn't getting pregnant. How do you get HIV? We're not related by blood

[00:07:06] My mom married the mother of the hot kids. Yeah, and then I you know

[00:07:13] Bang going finally got you live together. They're in the other house

[00:07:16] I saw him fuck his girlfriend a million times walked in on it. Yeah, Amy weed got so high

[00:07:19] You know, then you're getting high for the first time around a person

[00:07:22] That's a fool you just fatly peering through the door. I was so fast. I was so fat. Just watching him fuck his girlfriend

[00:07:28] That's what's crazy is that he fucked me knowing that I used to be that that's what's nuts. Yeah, that's disturbing. Yeah

[00:07:33] Well good for you. Thank you so much John Langdon Downs was a scientist in the late 1800s who went to work with the mentally retarded and

[00:07:43] You know that was nobody wanted to do that job

[00:07:46] But he spent a lot of time with them and then he wrote a paper called the ethnic

[00:07:50] Classifications of idiots and his theory was that mental retardation is caused by race-mixing

[00:07:57] Like in like some some some play point earlier in your lineage

[00:08:02] somebody race-mixed and then that produces specific types and so he had

[00:08:06] three the neagroid type of mentally retarded person basically back then all

[00:08:12] Science was based on like political cartoons or like, you know different, you know, like like phenotypes or whatever

[00:08:18] It's the people to draw cartoons a goofy black guy who's also retarded. Yeah. Yeah, yeah

[00:08:23] So neagroid and mongol it was the other one so the theory was that if you have down syndrome

[00:08:27] It's because somebody fucked a Chinese person way earlier in your your family's lineage and then those genes manifest

[00:08:33] Is their eyes are a little like that? Yes. That's why they thought that. Yeah, that's how that's how easy it was to be scientists

[00:08:39] Rules that's still what we're doing. We're still doing that. Yeah, and then that guy got like the Nobel Prize

[00:08:43] Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like

[00:08:45] You know, I then I'm gonna get in trouble for this one also

[00:08:48] But everybody talks about climate change and I'm like are you sure we're not just doing mongoloid again

[00:08:52] Yeah, I was reading the my mom will kill me the National Geographic today and it was like this is a whale fin that

[00:08:59] Has been you know this whale died of natural causes, but it is said that some whales have died from

[00:09:05] The earth heating up. Yeah, and it is like none. I read all of it. None of it was like what's crazy to me is like

[00:09:12] Like and this is not this is a joke, but also maybe you know

[00:09:16] They but you know cuz like a couple years ago

[00:09:19] It's like Bill Gates who's like I'm gonna make a machine to control the weather and people like or billionaires dumb

[00:09:23] He thinks you can do that. It's like he thinks what that people can control the weather

[00:09:27] Isn't that the whole theory behind fucking climate change is that we change the weather. Oh wow like that. Yeah, so

[00:09:36] Now who's the fucking mongoloid look at that. That's a very interesting thing. Yeah, is that a bit?

[00:09:41] Are you gonna make that a bit? No, that's my these are my actual thought

[00:09:44] I don't know how to do comedy anymore. I've just I think you can just say that my brain's just like

[00:09:52] Yeah, and they don't register as jokes to me anymore. It's just my brain being like yeah, that's it

[00:09:57] That's the way that's how things work

[00:09:59] Well, you're well you're accidentally shifting the thing as opposed to having intentional effects nobody's out there

[00:10:05] Just throwing trash on the ground being like I'm gonna heat this bitch up. You know, I mean

[00:10:08] Yeah, I'll be here just to make just a right. Well, that's why now my annoying point

[00:10:13] I go to comment sections. I make I make yeah go New York Times

[00:10:16] I'm a prolific New York Times comment. Oh my god. This New York Times woman called me

[00:10:20] I think she wants me to talk about Louie. Oh, yeah, do you want to hear a voice spell?

[00:10:23] She sounds incredibly New York Times. Yes. Yeah for sure. Great. Say something

[00:10:27] Okay

[00:10:29] Well, things are well, but we're I mean I wear I'm just doing like Chinese news

[00:10:35] Beijing markets were

[00:10:37] Suppressed today by the news

[00:10:40] The very important thing to know is that I've been dodging her just keep that in mind. Yeah, okay

[00:10:47] She's like yeah, I want to know why

[00:10:49] New York Times

[00:10:52] A little bit out of touch

[00:10:56] Maybe next week I will

[00:10:58] Follow up with the checkers. Okay. Yeah, I hope you're a great weekend. Bye

[00:11:05] Dot she says she's been out of touch. Mm-hmm. That's some stupid Jedi. Yeah PR shit

[00:11:10] Do celebrating what fucking news Christmas?

[00:11:14] Christmas for news people what she's been. Oh, yeah, she's been out of touch. She's been she's been celebrating

[00:11:20] Yeah, according on the Santas. Yeah, she she I think she wants to you know trick me and be like well

[00:11:26] How's comedy since the pandemic? Yeah, and I'll be like oh, it's going to you know, and she'll be like do Louis jerk off in front of you

[00:11:31] They're all snakes dude. Yeah, they're all snakes and I journey journalism attracts the most vicious kind of people because no matter what they do as long as like

[00:11:39] They're typing they can justify it as being like oh, this is I'm done

[00:11:44] This is for like some sort of greater good. It is a hundred percent bad now all of it

[00:11:49] Everything's crumbling Jordan Peterson works for Ben Shapiro. Did you know that? I didn't know that no, but fuck both those guys

[00:11:55] That's crazy. Yeah, he was like a philosopher. He was like a it was just some shitty college professor

[00:12:00] He wasn't that shitty. I saw him debate. He was actually kind of smart now. He's just falling apart sobbing all the time

[00:12:06] Jee-jek who's like that thing that was a that thing was a clown show well

[00:12:09] They were just to oppose posing things, but I thought they weren't even opposing

[00:12:13] It was like just they couldn't even agree on basic terms right, but Peterson was good at jee-jek speaks in complete gibberish

[00:12:19] And I thought Peterson was doing a good job

[00:12:21] Translating what he was saying he was he did have I mean, he's like he did help a lot of insels

[00:12:28] Make their beds. He had points before but now he's really I mean

[00:12:33] Ironically, he's like a trans woman now. I mean no, he's against it, but he's like sobbing all the time

[00:12:37] He's like slowly morphing into an old lady

[00:12:39] It would be very funny if he was like actually I'm trans it might happen

[00:12:43] He's quite a little bit and then everyone's just wasted the last five years getting mad

[00:12:47] Yeah, it just went one crazy person

[00:12:51] There's been a lot of paying attention to crazy people over the last ten years

[00:12:55] Yeah, I got sucked into this whole looking into like

[00:13:00] So there's the d trans community which is like now at sort of like a turning point like d trans people that were trans

[00:13:08] Are got like SRS now they either regret it or something and which has to be real. Yeah, they're had obviously this some people that

[00:13:15] That's just the way things work. I would have been that I wanted to be a boy so much when I was like 13

[00:13:21] Yeah, there's there's got to be statistically

[00:13:23] There's got to be some people that shouldn't be getting

[00:13:26] SRS that are and I'm not gonna get into a bigger argument like kids or whoever should be getting it but

[00:13:32] statistically there has to be and then for a while it were like a couple years ago, you know, like

[00:13:38] I remember like looking into it and there's you know, like those people would be

[00:13:45] Suppressed by at least trans people online or you know like online mobs because it's like de-legitimizes because obviously

[00:13:53] Conservatives are gonna latch on to that and say we see people regret it. They shouldn't be getting even though

[00:13:58] It's statistically a small amount, but then you can say okay. Well statistically trans people in general or small amount or whatever

[00:14:04] But now within even the d trans community. There's a retrans people people the train. Yes. Yes

[00:14:11] There's D. Rees there's D. Rees read read D transition to people. Yeah, there are people who are like, okay

[00:14:17] I want to be a boy and then like fuck that. I want to be a girl and then no no no actually

[00:14:21] I want to be yeah, yeah, they're like, you know the dr. Seuss book where people are putting stars on their stomach

[00:14:27] like it's that but I saw on Twitter on Twitter

[00:14:31] There's and I don't like I don't even know how to not miss gender ever for them at the time of this writing

[00:14:37] she

[00:14:38] Like post it's a post it a poll and it's like should I retransition and it's like they're just going to Twitter and like that like an

[00:14:45] Elon Musk yeah Twitter poll

[00:14:47] they're pulling their poll to see if they should get their new genitals removed and put it back on the other the old

[00:14:54] hormones from before and

[00:14:57] It's I don't know. I don't know what it's the same. I mean that is the same mental illness as the women

[00:15:03] I mean I have friends whose lips are becoming these insane gobbie

[00:15:07] Insane inflated mouths and they just keep being like I hate it

[00:15:11] I'm waiting for the Botox Ralph and then next time I see him it's twice as big

[00:15:14] I think it is a similar thing. Yeah, I think you get addicted to

[00:15:18] Transforming yeah, I mean this look I mean this probably because you want to be careful to not say that trans people are just mentally ill

[00:15:25] You know, this is a lot of them are mentally ill this isn't 2019. You know you can't you can't say things like that

[00:15:31] But yeah, I mean obviously

[00:15:33] There's a certain type of mentally ill person that would be attracted to

[00:15:38] The attention you would get online only not because of like changing your gender is

[00:15:44] like a crazy thing to do but because right now if you're a crazy person you want attention you can do that online and

[00:15:51] You know you'll get attention for it. You know what I mean?

[00:15:54] Yeah, I mean, I also think that there's a lot of women who don't feel like the but they don't feel like inappropriate

[00:16:00] They don't feel like a woman they don't feel attractive enough to be a woman

[00:16:03] So then they just become a man because you can look like a piece of shit

[00:16:06] And there are a lot of man a lot of men who don't feel like an appropriate who don't feel masculine

[00:16:11] So they just transition to be a woman so they can be who they are well interestingly enough

[00:16:14] I guess looking into it. I think the majority of the people D transitioning or are

[00:16:20] are

[00:16:21] FTM

[00:16:22] They're women that became are there?

[00:16:25] Yeah, women are very impulsive. Yeah. Yeah, well, I think it's I don't know

[00:16:29] Maybe it's I would say it's more of a passivity thing because you go to it

[00:16:33] You're like I like wearing boys clothes and now they're like, let's great

[00:16:36] Let's put you on puberty blockers and cut your tits off

[00:16:40] My friend started taking tea and they started getting like an angular face

[00:16:44] And they're like this is cool

[00:16:45] And then they started getting like a little bit of fuzz on the top lip and they're like this is cool

[00:16:49] And then their clitoris started getting hard and weird and they were like absolutely not and they immediately stopped taking it went back

[00:16:56] Yeah, so what you're saying is we just need to cut women's heads off. I'm saying let women have mustaches and we're fine

[00:17:02] Oh, okay. Yeah, that's all I'm saying. Well, it's it's like most of the problem is in the head area

[00:17:07] It's they want their faces to be different and it's also their dumb brain making them make all these stupid decisions

[00:17:13] Anyways, yeah, just get ready to find the way to cut women's heads off

[00:17:16] That'd be perfect. I think that's the solution of the problem in general. I think that's it

[00:17:20] I think we figured it out the guillotine

[00:17:22] I mean like a right-wing guy that likes guillotines

[00:17:27] Just yeah, just joining in those Twitter threads being like it's the guillotine for these guys

[00:17:32] Remember when there was the head transplant did that ever happen? I don't think so. I think that's like Frankenstein or something

[00:17:38] You don't you remember that when there was like the scientists who was like we're doing a full head transplant

[00:17:42] I think do they try it or something? I remember the face transplants are still relatively right where the

[00:17:47] That seems to be all their fours for people who have chimp

[00:17:50] Yeah, it's really true. Yeah, they're multiple or live in Florida

[00:17:54] Yeah, we're the those stories and it's not with any other animal

[00:17:57] But I hear those and it makes me want to go tear a chimps face off

[00:18:01] They're close enough to us and I'm like they have look they drew first blood

[00:18:06] Like if a tiger molds somebody I'm not like I'm gonna go kill a tiger, but when I hear about those chimps stories

[00:18:11] I'm like I'm gonna rip a chimps hands and face off

[00:18:15] See how they like it

[00:18:17] What

[00:18:19] What

[00:18:30] I'm sure there's people out there that can relate to that. Yeah, no, I do get it

[00:18:34] It's because they're masquerading this fucking nice lady. Yes. She's fuck

[00:18:37] She took care of this gym for six years buying a fucking Oshkosh and birthday cakes

[00:18:42] And then what she has a friend over one time and he gets jealous

[00:18:47] He thought they were dating so he rips her face and hands off

[00:18:59] Her friends on the phone the whole time at that 911 call where she's like oh god

[00:19:04] She said no, he's got her

[00:19:06] He's got traffic snow

[00:19:08] No, it was her friend. It wasn't her it was her friend her friend came over

[00:19:13] She's like you know, you know too. She's like I gotta go see this bitch Meredith. She's got a monkey

[00:19:18] She's a fuck. She's not doing well her husband left her for a fucking 19 year old and she got a monkey to deal with it

[00:19:24] But you know, I'm just I'm just I just need to show my face. I just need to show my face

[00:19:29] And and you know make this lady feel a little bit better

[00:19:33] To the monkey river hands. Yeah, they do that they rip your hands off

[00:19:39] Yeah, they do they rip your face and hands and gentle stop

[00:19:48] They're that strong they just fucking they just rip your hands right the fuck off I

[00:19:53] For god that it was her buddy came over to see her and then her gym got jealous

[00:20:02] I saw a monkey in a restaurant once in the guy was like, this is my seizure monkey and I was like

[00:20:08] What does that even mean? He was like he he calls the cops if I was seizure he calls the cop

[00:20:14] Say to the bully what is he what did then what?

[00:20:17] He's just like nine one one operator. Here's monkey noises and the whole SWAT team that it assembles

[00:20:24] Like all right guys body cams off. Let's go. It's time to get to work

[00:20:30] It was such a small monkey with his stupid diapers insane

[00:20:33] And he got so mad at me for asking that and he didn't answer and I just like stood in front of him waiting for anything

[00:20:39] He didn't tell me was an Italian guy

[00:20:40] Did he have like a little accordion also?

[00:20:42] No, I feel like the monkey was like fucking with him and was like taking pens out of his pocket and they get like a little baby

[00:20:47] I kind of get it the wanting to rip the gym space off. Yeah

[00:20:51] Yeah, I forgot that he ripped her. I forgot that the buddy came over. That's so funny. Mm-hmm. Oh

[00:20:57] God, she's he's got her. Yeah, that would be the most embarrassing thing like besides ripping the face off like showing your buddy

[00:21:04] It's like showing your friend your like dog and they like keep pissing all over

[00:21:07] You know what I mean? That's like or when your buddy comes over and your parents go stop showing off in front of your friends

[00:21:11] Yeah, that's kind of why I don't I'm not not that I have anything against dogs

[00:21:15] But dog owners are the shittier kind of pet owner between cat and dog owner because a dog owner

[00:21:20] They'll bring you their dog over and the dog will just fuck up your house and they're like hey bud

[00:21:24] And they just they think it's cute. It's like this isn't your son

[00:21:28] Like you could have left your fucking dog at home

[00:21:30] They just get used to that level of embarrassment a chimp ripping your buddy's friend face off as you is your kid asking your

[00:21:37] Unpregnant friend if she's pregnant. She's just a fat lady. Yeah equivalent

[00:21:40] Yeah, when your buddy has a kid and they're like why do you sound like a boy?

[00:21:44] You know I'm gonna I'm gonna become a chimp guy and then I'll go over to people's apartments and bring all seven of my

[00:21:50] Chimpanzees when I come over for a vision. Yeah with a little angel wings. I do party monster angel wings on I

[00:21:59] Gave them all Molly

[00:22:02] And I'm like what let's get the party started

[00:22:05] I'm like this is a fucking this is a sader. Why don't you bring seven?

[00:22:09] Why don't you bring seven game club kid chimpanzees to my

[00:22:15] Hate that they can't see the movement you just made with your army. Let's get the party

[00:22:20] Like you're like there's a door that's just gonna open behind you and all the gyms

[00:22:28] I forgot did that happen in Florida or some guy ate somebody else's face off around that time on bath salts

[00:22:34] Yeah, yeah, I think that happened to there were those zombie people in Florida

[00:22:38] I really hated that area of people bringing like well here goes Florida

[00:22:43] It's like yeah, I'll be fine stories like that in every state

[00:22:47] Yeah, Florida did have a lot of cannibalism happening in one particular year though. I feel like yeah

[00:22:52] I guess people just love to hate on Florida. Not even like Florida, but I feel I feel I feel the need to defend it

[00:22:59] I thought it was hack forever until every single show I've done in Florida was

[00:23:02] I mean the worst festival I've ever done. I hate people love side-flitter really I'm going I'll be a Tampa

[00:23:07] I'll be inside sports bad club

[00:23:09] I that guy first of all my like go to spank bank is that guy because I go in he hates me immediately

[00:23:16] I have no idea why I'm like, where's the green room?

[00:23:19] He's I was like do you guys have a green room? You masturbate to him?

[00:23:21] checks at the end of the week yes because he goes he was like

[00:23:26] Yeah, we have a green room and then he just didn't walk me to it

[00:23:28] I just had to find it he's mad because I didn't put side-flitter on the website and

[00:23:33] Then at the end of the thing I was on the phone with somebody and I was like this dude fucking hates me

[00:23:37] Mm-hmm and then at the end of the trip. He's been mad the whole time

[00:23:40] He's like this big guy. He was like coming to my office and I like walked in he was like shut the door and that

[00:23:48] Moment I was like is that our man the student gonna fuck and now that is my like go to is a dude who hates me

[00:23:53] He's like shut the door you're gonna get punished for not putting this on your website

[00:23:56] Mm-hmm, so I hate that guy but also every time it when I see him. I'm like yeah

[00:24:00] I've jerked off to you every night really mine is I'm playing a giant organ and I'm surrounded by chimpanzees wearing

[00:24:08] We're in a jiggy spanking their body. Yes, they're screaming and I'm playing fucking bok on a giant organ and the organs sucking me off

[00:24:15] Yeah, he's the whoo whoo whoo. There's a tube. Yeah one of them when there's one note. I press

[00:24:21] That sucks my dick on the organ

[00:24:23] The organ sucks your dick or the jim's the organ does yeah, I'm not a fucking freak

[00:24:29] I'm on some fucking weirdo

[00:24:33] Yeah, no, but you were talking about voicemails that little trumpet guy

[00:24:37] He uh, you know, he did the show and you know that guy yeah, we pay people for doing the hell Adam

[00:24:42] That'll end up looking like that if he doesn't fix his posture. Oh Adam knows you've told him dude that that just is still

[00:24:48] is like

[00:24:49] I'll tell you the funniest part

[00:24:51] I like

[00:24:53] The stills from the Adam Friedling show watching Adam interview people is much funnier to me than the show itself

[00:24:59] Yeah, it's just seeing Adam all like crumpled up

[00:25:03] Why does he crumple like that?

[00:25:04] I don't know because he's just he's got no bones, dude

[00:25:07] We shot a like a little thing the other day and he had to take his pants off and he just has

[00:25:12] It's like a like a like an aunts ass

[00:25:16] I want to see his ass. There's just no they've never produced force his legs

[00:25:21] They've only been used for walking

[00:25:26] And have they walked very far

[00:25:28] I don't think so. What is his parents looks like when is just gumby?

[00:25:33] Yeah, kind of yeah, I guess his dad's a little stockier than he is

[00:25:37] shorter

[00:25:38] Shorter stockier and his mom was like his mom looked like him I think

[00:25:42] Just a wisp. Yeah kind of huh pretty lady

[00:25:47] Rest rest in peace Evelyn

[00:25:49] Oh, she did die. She did pass away. Yeah, and he's with his dad now in in South Africa

[00:25:55] It does his dad have a South African can you do South African South African?

[00:26:00] Yeah, but not right now. Is that what he sounds like? Is that what the dad sounds like? Yeah

[00:26:04] It's good to see you Eddie. Wow. No way. Yeah, he's like that. He sounds like that. He yells like wild stormers. He's always screaming. Yeah, really?

[00:26:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh that's probably why Adam's always whispering in the low vocal fry. Yeah, cuz he doesn't want to sound like that

[00:26:19] Oh, wow interesting, but he's talking about voicemails that trumpet guy

[00:26:23] So he did the show, you know, we paid people

[00:26:26] For doing the show it looks like somebody took his spine and pulled it through his ass

[00:26:29] Like it was connected to the top of his head looks like he doesn't have a spot

[00:26:32] That's what I mean like it pulled down and crumpled him into he looks like a mascot for pants

[00:26:36] He looks like fucking dockers was like we need a fucking a cartoon character to advertise pants

[00:26:44] He would wear the pants, but his face would be under the cross. It's just a talking pair of pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[00:26:49] Okay

[00:26:51] but the

[00:26:52] So that guy he did the show and

[00:26:56] Dave the producer he like all the invoices go through Dave now and he just prints them out

[00:27:00] and puts them nicely on my desk and I cut the check from there rather than me

[00:27:02] I'm gonna go through my email looking for invoices and um who's Dave Dave's new. No. Yeah, Dave's the producer

[00:27:09] I don't know if you mad him or not. Oh

[00:27:11] I saw him in the video with that gun that you'd point around. Yes. Is that gun still there?

[00:27:15] Yeah, it is

[00:27:16] But I've rigged it up to the spotlight so wherever I point the gun the spotlight points

[00:27:20] Did you need something to hold on to so you've used the gun?

[00:27:23] We men. Did you need a swivel point so you're like, I'll just put this gun on it or did you like think uh this?

[00:27:28] Oh, no, I mean, I just did that as a joke. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. No, we were just

[00:27:32] Oh, this is bored. It's pretty good. Yeah. No, I mean fucking around with those sea stands and arms is fun

[00:27:37] It's like an erector set

[00:27:40] And you can just slide the gun in and then it pincers down on it. Yeah. Yeah, just clamps down

[00:27:45] You go play with it if you want. I do want to play with it. Yeah, we'll do that later. We'll set that up

[00:27:49] But anyways, dog

[00:27:50] Yeah, Dave tells him, you know, like he leaves and he's like, oh, yep checks in the mail. We'll have that sent out to you

[00:27:56] You know, um, shortly and like the next day

[00:28:00] The dog is leaving. Dave voicemails. It's like when you do business with somebody there's an understanding

[00:28:07] That there's only one thing that matters and it's cash on the barrel and we had an agreement

[00:28:11] And my father was a litigator for 50 years and he's starting he's like talking about suing us

[00:28:16] For not paying him in a timely manner first of all everything's like net 30

[00:28:19] But like Dave just didn't tell me he was like, yeah, like dogs like freaking out or whatever

[00:28:24] And I'm like, what do you mean? He's freaking out. He's like, you know, he's like I told him we'd pay him

[00:28:28] And now he's like he played the voicemail for me. I'm like, look, this guy's insane. You got to like

[00:28:33] How long did you make him wait? I didn't make him wait at all as soon as I found out

[00:28:36] I called him and I just as held him the money but but I had to talk to him on the phone and he's like he's just

[00:28:41] He is not he's in New York. What is he lives in a little house? Yeah, I guess he lives in battery park. Dave wouldn't pick

[00:28:47] Whoa who's in battery park? That's crazy. Yeah. I mean, I think he's like independently wealthy or something

[00:28:52] I think is you know, is he gonna be mad that you talked about him?

[00:28:55] I don't think he's gonna listen. I don't think he knows what show we did

[00:28:58] I have a lot of people who owe me money right now. I would like to say I have Louie owes me money

[00:29:01] The vice people owe me money and corden. Yeah, money given

[00:29:04] I actually owe a lot of people money, but my my my printer broke so you're pretty good with paying money

[00:29:09] Yeah, right now. I can't because the the the fuser on my

[00:29:14] The cheap amazon laser printer I bought 10 years ago

[00:29:17] It broke and instead of buying a new printer of just completely disassembled that one and I'm like, oh, just fix the fuser myself

[00:29:24] What's the fuser? It's a laser printer as a there's the toner

[00:29:28] Yeah, which is like a wheel with like like like sort of like a like like it's just particles

[00:29:34] It's ink like particles. Yeah, like that or just adhere to it and then there's the drum

[00:29:38] Which is like I guess like some sort of like photoelectric charge in it. Yeah that that's like this

[00:29:44] the like what it gets pressed that that is like sent to I guess cells or something on the drum that like

[00:29:50] Sucks the ink off the toner and then that presses onto the paper

[00:29:55] And then the final step is that goes through another two drums that are heated and that like melts the ink onto the page

[00:30:02] But wow crazy. You just order that off amazon that all contraption. No, I just ordered a laser printer off amazon years ago

[00:30:09] Yeah

[00:30:10] Well, it's a it's a printer. I know but it's just crazy that all of that just gets shipped to your door

[00:30:15] But it's just that's just what I know it just it just was a lot

[00:30:17] I'm not going on a lot more than I thought in a laser printer. Yeah, what did you think was happening?

[00:30:21] I don't know just

[00:30:23] Just printing just kind of a some sort of light going across the page ink shows a little keyboard off writing it with a pencil

[00:30:28] Yeah, yeah

[00:30:29] Doug Levinson is in there. I know what I thought I thought cuz ink just dipped into something and got stamped on

[00:30:34] Can you open the back door my pants are caught in the in the feed tray?

[00:30:39] Excuse me

[00:30:42] Why would you write immediately?

[00:30:44] What's that why did you keep our elf so fresh on the mind that that was the first thing to come out?

[00:30:52] I was thinking about just a little keyboard elf. Well cuz they're tiny. They live in trees

[00:30:56] I mean what would fit in you know what there's only a hint

[00:30:59] There's maybe three things that'll fit inside of a laser printer and do the work a keyboard

[00:31:03] A Lego man a gremlin

[00:31:06] Yeah, what else what what a what a a smurf maybe

[00:31:09] What else how big is a smurf?

[00:31:11] I would imagine there. I always pictured them very tiny like want a bar of work you get in there

[00:31:17] Whatever the borrowers from the movie. No what with the big fat guy from rosanne

[00:31:22] Little tiny people under your this is a great movie. Don't watch it

[00:31:27] But it's a great movie. It's a movie about uh Adam's stand-up act

[00:31:32] Why? Yeah, cuz he stills material

[00:31:34] Oh, I see yeah. Yeah, does he?

[00:31:36] Sort of yeah sometimes just nags it from you um from a other you know, yeah in general I guess

[00:31:45] I thought I heard that that Lawrence guy stole is one of his closers from somebody Lawrence a of Arabia. Yeah

[00:31:53] Yeah, yeah, that's what I heard about him. Yeah, I don't know his first name mark mike mike larrant mike larrant. Yeah

[00:32:01] Oh really? Mm-hmm. Is he even still doing stand-up? I don't know

[00:32:04] Mike Lawrence like I last I because you know, I mean he was a comic

[00:32:09] That's what we did

[00:32:10] But then he got into writing and then he moved out to LA and got married and had a family

[00:32:13] You know, I think he just wants to write TV shows and have a family

[00:32:16] It's crazy when you see comics at a certain level have a kid and it just is like you watch just like a death receipt over their life that they have to

[00:32:23] Denied to people. I mean some people work. That's what we tell ourselves because we don't have families

[00:32:27] No, but some of them you really see that you really see that's my favorite game

[00:32:31] It's sitting around my sad friends drinking and you look at a guy who's like smiling with his wife and kids

[00:32:35] You're like what a little

[00:32:37] Look how fucking this guy hates his life. I just went to an

[00:32:43] Kids and I was like I need to have kids. Yeah, I mean it was bad. He's like this old Jewish man

[00:32:48] He was like some I sat I laid down and he's just putting needles in your pussy

[00:32:52] He's putting needles in me. He's like he's literally being like he's doing muscle testing

[00:32:56] So he's asking me he's like pushing on my arm being like is are you insulin?

[00:33:01] Allergic to insulin or allergic to grass or allergic to whatever and then he just starts skipping ahead where he goes

[00:33:06] Is she allergic to anything in book number one?

[00:33:08] And I'm like who are you talking to and he's like your inner intelligence?

[00:33:11] I'm like I haven't read that yeah, look dude your inner intelligence. Yeah, my inner intelligence

[00:33:16] It was crazy and then he starts telling me about how this 34 year old just dumped him because he she doesn't have sex

[00:33:21] So many more and he's like 60 something years old and then he was like I never had kids

[00:33:26] But you know there's so many things I would miss out on and I was like yeah like this yeah craft that you've perfected

[00:33:31] Yeah, that's crazy. I feel bad for that 34 year old woman

[00:33:35] That guy just rolling on top of your 7 a.m. Do you want to have sex?

[00:33:40] She's like no, he's like well off to stabbing people all day. Yeah, yeah, off to my stabbing job

[00:33:46] Um fix your sexuality with needles real quick

[00:33:49] I want to mention this episode is brought to you by the good folks over at ridge wallet

[00:33:54] Ridge wallet commo code come town or come town 20

[00:33:59] Um, I'm gonna take a look at their website here. They got a lot of a lot of fuck use of empty weapon holsters behind you

[00:34:06] Oh, yeah, if there were weapons in them, I would feel better about it

[00:34:08] But the empty is kind of nice around here a couple of guns

[00:34:14] Um

[00:34:15] Upgrade your everyday carry with the slim durable and guaranteed for life

[00:34:20] Ridge wallet now with the key hider also the thingy they got and they got oh they got this is a little caterpillar yellow

[00:34:28] Oh nice tom descend one

[00:34:30] 24 karat gold

[00:34:32] Oh, it's not yellow. It's gold and it's next to a ring that is that does look gold

[00:34:37] So that's kind of that's weird photography

[00:34:39] That's very but I actually like their website a lot when I had that t-shirts to shop

[00:34:43] Which we'll be coming back just I'm going through a test run and sell the remaining stock of the uh

[00:34:50] That uh that a real monster's guy holding his balls over his head instead of his eyes

[00:34:55] That's what I think Ian looks like is that guy? Oh really? He looks so much like that monster with the eyes

[00:35:01] He looks like Nigel Thornberry

[00:35:03] Oh wow. Yeah. Wow. Yes. He does. Yeah

[00:35:07] I remember Donnie. What was that? Was that a racist thing? Remember Donnie? Doug? No Donnie

[00:35:13] They're a little like feral child. I don't I never watched the show. Oh wow. Yeah

[00:35:19] Personalize it make it your own you can get you can get stuff on here. This guy got Roman numerals. That's pretty cool

[00:35:26] What is that?

[00:35:28] 113

[00:35:29] mm. What is that?

[00:35:32] 2013 right mm 2013

[00:35:34] 113 2013 what is what's happening? What's the significance of that? Okay. No look this it says personalize it

[00:35:42] Personalize it. That's his date. That's the day he wants with Roman numerals 113 2013. What happened that day?

[00:35:50] One

[00:35:51] Yeah, January 13th. This is again folks. This is a read for ridge wallet.com where somebody's birthday were

[00:35:58] What in 2013? That's if you're buying a wallet for a seven year old

[00:36:02] Oh, maybe January 13th 2013. It's for somebody's anniversary

[00:36:08] It's the 13th day in the gregorian calendar British troops captured Fort Peter in st

[00:36:13] Mary's Georgia during the war of 1812. So that's not it. Okay. Here we go. What happened on this day 2013

[00:36:20] The Golden Globes it was the day Daniel day Lewis won for best actor. Oh, that's a sort of a weird coded sort of message

[00:36:28] That's cool famous desk rusey serti indian cricketer who's an indian slow lefty

[00:36:35] Uh did a hat you reading something? Yeah, this is all these are things that happened on January 13th 2013

[00:36:41] What is slow lefty like an Native American? Um like a retarded communist

[00:36:46] So okay got you got you good

[00:36:48] Uh guys like I just think we health cares are human right, but he's indian also

[00:36:59] Um so he died

[00:37:01] Yeah

[00:37:04] Yeah, let's see music charts historical figures

[00:37:07] This is a pretty shit website. What happened in the fucking news? God somebody commented on my video thing knows. Thank you necessary. All right

[00:37:14] Do you remember that? No, it was the first time I did come down and you I told a story about this little

[00:37:23] Down syndrome girl came up. Oh, I know. I know they necessary I completely forgot about it and somebody just randomly commented it

[00:37:29] It was such a little Easter egg. Yeah, okay. So on January 13th 2013 Egypt overturns muber ox conviction

[00:37:36] And india rest six for another gang rape. Oh, I love that headline

[00:37:40] India India rest six for another gang rape

[00:37:45] Yet another indian gang room. Look at that guy. Look at his face. It's like a smear now

[00:37:50] That's an indian slow lefty if I don't yeah

[00:37:53] Slow um at ridge wallet calm too by the way you can get your indian gang rape wallet

[00:37:58] Customized to you can get a customer rate it

[00:38:01] To commemorate the arrest of six for and you get another gang rape in india at ridge wallet calm

[00:38:08] Um a lot of gang rapes have a

[00:38:10] Yeah, they got watches now these watches look nice. Oh wow. Yeah, how much is that watch?

[00:38:15] Let's see shop now. I try not to say any of the prices on the show

[00:38:19] Well, you can tell me in roman numerals. It's uh, okay. Um,

[00:38:24] X x x

[00:38:26] Yeah, yeah

[00:38:27] x x x x l i v

[00:38:32] Three no no no hold on x x x

[00:38:35] um

[00:38:36] l x x i and oh fuck hold on no wait hold on x x x

[00:38:43] um

[00:38:44] x c

[00:38:46] What's c?

[00:38:49] Wait, hold on. No, no, no, I did it wrong. So

[00:38:53] Ccc what is c? It's a hundred. Oh, okay. Yeah, so ccc

[00:39:01] Uh, I see

[00:39:03] Three hundred ninety five. Yeah, nice. Yeah. Yeah. That's too much

[00:39:12] That's why I don't read the prices

[00:39:14] But no, look they got watches. They got pens. They got bags. I wear the backpack

[00:39:17] They sent me the the backpack. I've been using it for years. How much is the wallet?

[00:39:21] The wallet that depends my wallet is a paperclip right now. It's a problem. Yeah. No, the ridge wallet is great

[00:39:26] I love I love the ridge wallet. I use it every day use the backpack every day. This is the best travel

[00:39:30] I pack all my shit on there

[00:39:33] Um, you know, I travel with that. I'm gonna do a weekend on the road. I get everything I need one extra pair on the wear

[00:39:40] fucking

[00:39:42] Carro's LBJ biography. Yeah, no toothbrush

[00:39:46] That's it. That's everything. Yeah, it fits in there. Yeah, nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

[00:39:52] I got a lot of these we have the royal black gum metal carbon fiber 3k

[00:39:56] 4g to ember. All right. Yeah, forged Pacific red carbon. Let me see forged Pacific

[00:40:05] Porridge Pacific

[00:40:09] Okay, yeah, they're good. I got the carrot gold one. Oh, I got you know, I'll just email them and see if they'll they'll just I can I can hook it up for you

[00:40:16] Oh, yeah, because I had a bunch of them. Micro scene would ask for them. Micro scene like how did me for a ridge wallet?

[00:40:21] Really? Yeah, he was like, yeah

[00:40:22] Can I get one of those wallets, you know, and I gave it to him, you know, but it was always like

[00:40:27] Are you I'm by your house if I could come by and get the wall, you know, like that kind of wow

[00:40:31] And then I gave him the wall. I only got a couple of them and I was giving them a family as gifts and stuff

[00:40:35] But you know, whatever, you know, I like like I'll give him a wall

[00:40:37] So I gave him the wallet which I wouldn't even be gave it to somebody

[00:40:40] I wouldn't even miss you. No, I think he threw it away

[00:40:44] And then he goes on stage talking about how much he hated it and then he disparages me by name forgiving it to him

[00:40:51] No, he does not. Yeah

[00:40:54] What? Yeah, that's a mongoloid

[00:40:56] Because I'll say this in defensive ridge wallet

[00:40:58] The reason Mike hates the ridge wallet is because reminds me doesn't have any fucking money to put in there

[00:41:02] Yeah, yeah, it does have a certain width to it. Yeah, right. He can't handle that

[00:41:06] He needs a shitty old wallet that's filled with pictures of other Italian people. He needs a wallet that is contained by more just wallet

[00:41:12] Yeah, that's all that's in the wallet. He needs something as that gets as fat as he does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was fucking receipts

[00:41:18] Yes

[00:41:18] It was receipt receipt receipts. You think we should just call micro seats

[00:41:23] Yeah, yeah

[00:41:25] Elizabeth and micro seats. Yeah, I gotta pay I might have to Venmo him after this because

[00:41:30] Oh him some money

[00:41:32] Can't get that printer going but anyways ridge wallet calm use promo code come town or come town 20

[00:41:37] You get some kind of discount shipping something like that. I am interested in these pens. I got a lot of pens

[00:41:43] Yeah

[00:41:44] Lots of different cars our ad person gave it me air pods

[00:41:47] Oh, yeah, not crazy. That's crazy right before Christmas perfect gift to give to somebody

[00:41:52] I kept him patreon, which by the way if you enjoy the Adam Friedland show

[00:41:57] We're branching out into youtube. We got Kylo posting clips on there because a lot of people don't know this is a talk show now

[00:42:03] And there's there's four or five episodes you can watch that are on the patreon. They're so good

[00:42:09] You can find

[00:42:10] Clips of the show on youtube if you'd like you go to youtube.com slash the adam Friedland show

[00:42:15] I think there's some on there, but if you want to support the show go to patreon.com slash tafs and sign up

[00:42:22] um, there's multiple tiers

[00:42:24] because

[00:42:25] Right now, I think the only benefit deciding up. I mean you get to see the links where they're posted immediately but uh also

[00:42:33] You can get your name in the credits. Oh

[00:42:36] Yeah, because somebody rips them all off and puts them somewhere else

[00:42:39] There's gotta be there's gotta be a way to incentivize the thing and it's like more in the line with the credit saying

[00:42:44] All you people will pay money on your patreon if you put up clips that you don't put online of your standup

[00:42:51] And no, i'm not putting my stand up on the patreon

[00:42:54] Okay, what if you put bloopers?

[00:42:56] Yeah, I guess we could do that. Bloopers would be great. Honestly, I know I would pay for bloopers

[00:42:59] I the the fact when we made

[00:43:01] $200 on the come town patreon. I was like, I don't dislike what I yeah, I don't have any sense of why are you doing this?

[00:43:08] Yeah, it is crazy and then the thing that it grew to where it did. I mean, it's like I don't I don't get it

[00:43:13] I don't understand anything

[00:43:15] My mom's was like should I get the patreon people criticizing about the show they'll be like Nick has no business sense. It's like yeah, no shit

[00:43:22] Yeah, i'm not a fucking businessman

[00:43:26] Yeah, the tears everything like we need to organize tears. Yeah of patreon

[00:43:30] Yeah, i'm not gonna sit around and be like hey bill Gates is really bad at doing impressions of indian people

[00:43:36] That's not his thing

[00:43:38] That's not the thing that he does. It's kind of fun though. I said I would bleach my asshole on the patreon

[00:43:42] Yeah, I would bring the camera crew and not to the show my asshole but show me getting a bleach

[00:43:47] I think everybody should bleach their ass. She's getting airbrushed by like a latina

[00:43:51] Like what like a like a miami, you know like elmer elmer fud with like a fucking beanie and a pendulary

[00:43:57] Oh like put the bleach only in special

[00:44:00] No, I'm initially I was thinking just painting the asshole white with an airbrush gun

[00:44:04] I was imagining like a chola doing it. Oh like like a paint car paint and then yeah now i'm imagining elmer fun

[00:44:10] I'm imagining them like you're like you're painting off the off the like

[00:44:15] You know dark purple asshole color revealing the white baby pink. Oh like power wash power wash my asshole

[00:44:23] To have tweedy bird or something. That'd be cool. Yeah, it would be cool

[00:44:26] I was laughing imagine a professional vio actor

[00:44:29] But like all he does is like fart noises like he makes the best fart noises

[00:44:33] And so it's just some schlubby guy and like uh just like a shitty white joe box or t-shirt and like gray sweatpants

[00:44:39] The professional but he's yeah, but he's got like a scarf on like he's like from the neck up

[00:44:44] He's like lee camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah

[00:44:45] Little fedora and he goes into the the you know vio office and they're like so good to see you again mark

[00:44:50] He's like hey, how you been you know?

[00:44:52] He doesn't warm up since right you go in the booth and they just have you know like a very expensive microphone

[00:44:57] He just pulls his pants down and puts his asshole directly up to it. Oh, he's the far guy out of his asshole. Yeah

[00:45:03] Yeah

[00:45:08] And then an engineer being like okay

[00:45:11] Really good really good. Let's go again and um can you can you slay it again? I'm sorry, but let's go again and

[00:45:19] maybe like

[00:45:21] Yeah, you know like we want a little squeak. We want one squeak and then a long

[00:45:25] Yeah

[00:45:31] Yeah, but like think about like your you love Cheerios you love Cheerios while you're you know

[00:45:38] You're like you you're so excited to eat the Cheerios that you're shitting yourself. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay. We'll go again

[00:45:45] Hi, this is mark and I'm shitting for Cheerios

[00:45:49] um

[00:45:50] shit to believe

[00:45:52] Mm-hmm five seven Brooklyn, New York. Yeah

[00:45:59] Wait, hold on

[00:46:00] Wait, what was that that was your that was that was your impression of a fart. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually because I just

[00:46:07] Scooby-doo

[00:46:09] Three days with my mother who farts in vowels like that it is in I will hear her downstairs and it's like

[00:46:17] It's crazy and the only person I know who farts like that is my roommate Mike Roland

[00:46:21] And one time I had them in the house at the same time and they were having full conversations

[00:46:25] Too farting I couldn't get up because I was laughing too hard the entire time

[00:46:28] It was one was downstairs one was upstairs and they were just really there's something wrong with their assholes that is truly disgusting

[00:46:35] They're splayed. There's something wrong. There's some way that they're washing their assholes or they're sticking their fingers

[00:46:40] There's something is spreading it and that is what's coming out of them. Yeah, it's crazy. I was a kid

[00:46:44] I just fucked up my brain is I used to wonder if other races

[00:46:47] Farted like they like they had accents out of their asshole. Yeah like Chinese people be like

[00:46:55] You know

[00:47:00] Why

[00:47:06] But no, that's not do a Mexican one

[00:47:08] Oh the Mexican one

[00:47:14] What in the black guy

[00:47:27] It's just DMX

[00:47:29] Yeah, that's good for me

[00:47:39] Oh boy, it's this little John

[00:47:56] It's just Chris Docker being like you not understand the words that are coming out of my ass

[00:47:59] Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it does make you wonder my Curtis Mayfield probably had nothing but squeakers. Oh for sure

[00:48:30] Curtis is here

[00:48:36] Curtis get in here. I didn't know shit you went to Taco Bell

[00:48:42] That's so good my niece is ripping ass now

[00:48:45] It is the funniest thing because her ass is that they have this little dog and this little girl in the dark girl

[00:48:51] Far away on the dog's face. It's the best

[00:48:53] Mm-hmm. I mean just what the dog feels disrespected or the dog like the dogs like ears go back

[00:48:59] Just a little bit and it's enough to have me just down on the ground

[00:49:06] Yeah

[00:49:09] Yeah, it's really it's it's funny when you can uh on a listed an emotion of like a fence from an animal

[00:49:15] That's always the funniest thing that we're like managing to like I can sometimes I'll be able to say something to my cat

[00:49:21] That will like get her and she'll be like shocked and insulted

[00:49:26] And I know she can't understand but I was telling my mom about how funny it was that you live in this apartment that was like

[00:49:32] Crazy at one point when you with your spider brains in there, but then you just had the most delicate sweet butler woman

[00:49:43] And she's like so dain she's like a cat that you're like sweetest aunt would have

[00:49:46] And you're ever such a crazy person and I'm like what is this cat is amazing. What's her name? You're like doesn't have any

[00:49:52] No, she just lives there

[00:49:55] Yeah, no, she's a good cat

[00:49:58] Yeah, it's winter. It's like you're her cat

[00:50:00] She spends she looks abused now because she spends in the winter she spends all of her time just in one tiny corner

[00:50:06] Wow, oh good. She's so cool. Well, there's a pipe. Yeah, I don't have a thermostat the downstairs neighbors control the heat you can't feel

[00:50:13] Yeah, I mean

[00:50:14] Nothing I can do about it, but there's oh I say there's a pipe for the the thermo like the radiators

[00:50:19] Yeah, I know the pipe the danger pipe. Yeah, the hot one that has killed babies in New York before

[00:50:24] Yeah, so she just sits by that all day long

[00:50:26] You should get her a little bed. Just did you have a dude? I want to put a little cushion down for you. Okay. Yeah, all right

[00:50:31] So she can sit by her danger pipe

[00:50:34] Or so they say

[00:50:36] They're fucked up the pipes are fucked up. Mm-hmm. All right. So you had sex with your steps sister, right?

[00:50:41] No, no

[00:50:43] You think it's fucked up to have sex with it. What if you're not as late as you told me like you said because I was

[00:50:49] I mean, it would be better if I was 13

[00:50:50] I would imagine that's when you make a mistake like that is a 13-year-old

[00:50:53] You think about it forever you lit and then you you know you come to age you get attractive and you're not a mall

[00:50:59] Goth anymore. You think that's fucked up. Yeah, I mean, well look if you're if it's if it's

[00:51:04] You're fucking sitting easy with it. What if somebody was like I'm in love with this person and we found out with the work cousins the cousin thing's fine

[00:51:10] That's how that's first of all

[00:51:12] Blood related. That's the story of Europe. That is a we wouldn't have we wouldn't be speaking this language right now

[00:51:17] If it weren't for people fucking their cousins

[00:51:20] I'm convinced that there's some sort of incest going on in Missouri

[00:51:23] That's the thing that these people used to disparage West Virginia or Arkansas by saying that they're like cousin fucking states

[00:51:30] And it's like oh, I'm sorry that they carry on the tradition of the continent

[00:51:34] What am I supposed to laugh at them next for listening the Mozart? You can't do that

[00:51:38] That's like if I went out downstairs to that black dude who's in the front call way put a chain around his neck

[00:51:43] And I was like what what you want me to stop doing?

[00:51:48] What we've been doing why because it's slavery

[00:51:51] Yeah, because you're saying that because it happened long long ago when people couldn't travel to a different family's house

[00:51:58] That it's okay for hick. No, they would arrange it. They would have wars over it

[00:52:01] I mean all the royal houses were based on cousin fucking

[00:52:05] What do you mean? That's what that's what would maintain the order in the continent forever as they would arrange marriages between cousins

[00:52:11] Oh, I see you're saying that something that is so repugnant now was something that was like a mark of

[00:52:17] Yeah, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Did you have but the

[00:52:21] I forget the document the guy who does this I can't even believe it's his job

[00:52:24] He just goes and interviews fucked up people

[00:52:26] But he went to like an incest house like a really hick one

[00:52:30] And it is the most fucked up should I have ever seen I mean, it's a whole family

[00:52:33] One of the guys is so inbred

[00:52:35] That he just can only mimic the dog like every time the dog barks he barks

[00:52:40] It's crazy and by the end of the episode

[00:52:43] He like talks a little bit, but then the more that the guy probes the more he starts turning into a dog

[00:52:47] It's really fucked up. Yeah, he's a product of incest. Oh, yeah, they all are what's the name?

[00:52:52] He was like hanging out of their heads. It's a book and it's a film

[00:52:59] Roses in the attic

[00:53:01] About the incestuous brother and sister

[00:53:05] I don't know. I will watch it. That's like my is it no flowers in the attic flowers for alginon

[00:53:10] There's the ballad of jack and rose or something where dad fucks his kid away from titanic

[00:53:16] Yeah, roses in the attic yet. It's frozen in the attic. I'm pretty sure flowers in the attic

[00:53:22] I always think it's surprising that more brother and sister don't do fucked up shit

[00:53:26] I

[00:53:27] Once you get to puberty and you just know that dude over there's has a dick you have a vagina

[00:53:32] That's not happen more. It probably does happen more than people don't talk about it

[00:53:35] And then they just wait hold on is there incest in this? What am I thinking of?

[00:53:39] Am I just I'm thinking of maybe I'm thinking the blood of the vaultsongs. What's that?

[00:53:45] It's a short story by Thomas mon. Oh, he's great. Yeah

[00:53:50] You're that is incessant that yeah blood of the vaultsongs

[00:53:53] But why do I think why do flowers in the attic both enter puberty while they're twinning

[00:54:00] Oh, yes, no sorry Kathy and Chris

[00:54:02] Developate so that it's about it orphan children that live in the attic

[00:54:06] And a year later Kathy and Chris have both entered you're gonna get like

[00:54:09] 40 off this I know totally

[00:54:11] You're later Kathy and Chris have both entered puberty while the twins are stunted from an adequate nutrition and lack of sunlight

[00:54:17] But no other outlets Kathy and Chris develop a romantic and sexual attraction toward each other

[00:54:21] Though they do their best to deny their feelings the grandmother catches Chris

[00:54:25] Staring at a half-dressed Kathy and punishes the children by cutting off their food supply for over two weeks

[00:54:31] Well, the children pray their mother will reappear in time to save them on the verge of starvation Kathy and Chris said you escape with the twins

[00:54:36] I'll find help but before they go through the plan the grandmother begins to bring food again including a rare treat of powdered sugar donuts

[00:54:42] Constant illness your passes

[00:54:44] I guess I escaped you when you're sculling you guys when you hear me there and something else everyone see if I have to hear you

[00:54:50] What it learns?

[00:54:51] Oh, here we go. Yeah, here we go. Yes

[00:54:55] Um one night Kathy discovers

[00:54:57] Her sleeping stepfather and kisses him when Chris learns of the kiss he rapes Kathy in a fit of jealousy and rage

[00:55:05] so that's like

[00:55:07] You know, that's right up your out. That's great. It's rape and incest. Yeah, what's it called?

[00:55:12] Uh flowers in the attic. Yeah, I'm gonna be

[00:55:16] Watching that with my flower in my attic. Tell you what damn rape with it. I mean, that's ideal

[00:55:21] Yeah, that's everything you want. She's having to read that. I feel like I'm gonna have a fucking stroke

[00:55:26] Just because you had to read. Yeah, I don't know. I keep you. I'm getting like hot flashes or something

[00:55:30] It's hot. It is hot. It is hot. It's way hot and I everything I just I don't know how to layer properly

[00:55:37] So I'll wear like he's taking off a fleece and I'm revealing him

[00:55:40] So I'm completely I'm completely nude. What is that? What do you have? That's just a sleeveless teacher. Is it a band? Yeah

[00:55:48] Uh it's uh in sync. Oh, yeah, I remember that guys. Yeah. Yeah, Joey Fatone

[00:55:54] I was a big Joey Fatone fan. I was a huge Lance Bass fan until I found out he was gay. That's kind of a distrable world

[00:55:59] Yeah, it can't really fuck you up. Wow. Yeah, I used to drive. I felt one more. I thought fucking through F350 with dualies covered in Lance Bass

[00:56:06] You did not yeah covered in Lance Bass stickers. How old are you? Uh 13 old I started driving early

[00:56:12] I I passed the test early. Oh, okay

[00:56:15] I was I was driving it. I like I started driving when I was eight

[00:56:18] And then I got my learner's permit when I was nine like way ahead of everybody else and then they can't give it to you if you're not

[00:56:24] Yeah, no, I did. I proved it

[00:56:27] And I had yeah, so when I showed the music look at this when I was nine years old when I was nine years old

[00:56:32] Yeah to the head covered in pubes just something to reverse pube situation

[00:56:38] I'm like, don't have you ever seen anything like this?

[00:56:42] Give me a drop in slices. It's just learning how to help

[00:56:46] I need I need an F350 with dualies and I covered in Lance Bass stickers and a bunch of racist stuff also

[00:56:53] Yeah, yeah, it's like the only thing I'd break for is

[00:56:56] taking a break from beat my wife to say racist stuff pal and uh

[00:57:01] And then I found out Lance Bass was gay and I donated the card Israel

[00:57:07] Oh to Isis dead now that is real. Oh, it is called cars for kids. Yeah

[00:57:12] Oh, nice. That's really nice of you. Yeah, let's pass now. They like him. They don't know he's gonna

[00:57:17] Oh, Lance Bass, what about the guy who don't he has car got taken sold and Isis had it and his like car company was on the side of it

[00:57:25] Um that was a real thing

[00:57:27] That's news to me and somebody like saw it on the news and was like fuck you, Dave. I want to get I want to get a job on seeing

[00:57:33] Interfox news is uh, I want to get I want to do Isis prime time anchor and then after every story I go

[00:57:38] That's news to me

[00:57:39] That's pretty good. That's gonna be my catchphrase

[00:57:42] Yeah, the catchphrase Ian was convinced he had a catchphrase in that hot dog suit and he kept

[00:57:46] Trying to make it work. It was wild. He's gotta be the dumbest guy we know

[00:57:51] He's I truly I mean of all like in the world of comedians, which are pretty dumb people

[00:57:56] Ian's gotta be the dumbest. I'm also realizing I am very dumb

[00:58:00] Yeah, there's some word I was trying to write the other day and I was like this is drawing

[00:58:03] I wrote drawing with an L like nine times drawing. Yeah, no, I was it was nuts. That's all right. I make mistakes like that all the time

[00:58:10] I think we might be stupid. Yeah, yeah, we're stupid

[00:58:13] But we're not like I'm gonna get a hot dog costume and say cowabunga

[00:58:17] And that's gonna that's gonna be my take it out. I

[00:58:27] Can't tell if I'm stupid some people are like you're so smart and then other people are just shocked it

[00:58:31] I don't yeah, but the people that tell comedians that they're smart are like there. That's there are other comedians barely functioning

[00:58:39] You know, yeah, like people. I know somebody came to a show and they're like that was genius

[00:58:44] And I was like you have to you have to do more stuff right you're like what do you do for a living?

[00:58:48] Like I watch the security cameras at shoppers food

[00:58:54] Do you catch anybody never wants not ones, but you you're something yeah, you're a genius though

[00:59:01] Um, I'm trying to there was another stupid thing that I did. I can't remember

[00:59:05] No, I I think I'm getting dumber by the second. I mean even trying to I was trying to read that national geographic and it was so tough

[00:59:10] It's just pictures of tinnies just pictures of seals and what do you mean you tried to read the national geographic?

[00:59:18] I just like can't focus on reading things that are like infirm I mean I can read nonfiction

[00:59:23] But if it doesn't pertain to something I'm interested in now, it's I can't do it. I'm like an old

[00:59:27] I mean I can only read nonfiction at this point. Yeah fiction. I feel the same way, but I have to be interested in the nonfiction

[00:59:34] I did I've been reading the the I started that carot

[00:59:39] Lbj series

[00:59:42] And it's he's like amazing. I wish I'd read it years ago. What is it? Oh cheap? Uh

[00:59:48] lesbian bisexual

[00:59:50] Okay, that's what I thought you were saying. Yeah, what is it? He's the 37th president

[00:59:56] Oh, now you're doing the whole thing where you're eventually you're gonna get into world war two and then you'll be no

[01:00:00] World War two is for fucking losers, dude. People really love it guys guys that like world war two are not into history

[01:00:05] Yeah, it's just an easy soap opera. Yeah, it's just a very easy thing to follow people were like

[01:00:10] I mean dude

[01:00:10] I saw a Vietnam veteran on the train today and he had a he had a prisoner of war pin missing in action

[01:00:16] And he just was the coolest looking dude. I've ever seen just this gnarly black guy wearing all black nice clothes

[01:00:21] And then he was just next to this gooey autistic

[01:00:26] fintech

[01:00:27] Monster

[01:00:28] And it bummed me out so much and I could see this black guy just looking at this guy

[01:00:32] He's like he's like holding his phone and his you know if he was because black guys can get away with stealing valor

[01:00:37] They can know you could see he was like proud like he had like other badges and it was like a veteran

[01:00:42] What I the video I want to see is a wigger veteran calling out a black guy for stealing valor

[01:00:48] A wigger veteran like a wigger white guy who's truly a veteran who's actually he was in iraq

[01:00:53] He's like yo son my friends died in Fallujah and now you going around looking like this

[01:01:00] Bro, that ain't cool with me. I don't think they're I don't think they're veteran wiggers. Yeah, we'll find them

[01:01:06] Yeah, we gotta find them, but that's what when I have my british

[01:01:10] satirical television series that'll be our sketch

[01:01:13] That's so good the guy yelling at the legless black guy. Yeah, we fall about it and it's like you know because on the

[01:01:20] Irony I see you see on the other is you go this this man and he's acting like he's a Caribbean

[01:01:26] What is going on with the white world war two veterans? Where are they? I think that now yeah, there can't be that many of them left

[01:01:34] The black guys last longer. That's what you see way more of them using it's more or too black guy better

[01:01:38] You mean Vietnam Vietnam. Yeah Vietnam guys. You're still alive. We're the white but where the white Vietnam veterans

[01:01:44] um

[01:01:46] I think they all

[01:01:48] I've seen them. They were in Vegas. We pointed them and go Nick mine. That was a fun thing. Oh those guys. Yeah, okay

[01:01:55] Yeah, dude. I had so much fun my memory of that weekend is that I sat at dicks for you did 12 hours

[01:02:01] You did yeah, the bartender ripping on you

[01:02:04] That we had the one server who couldn't make fun of you because I think he was a fan

[01:02:10] No, I I charmed him

[01:02:12] But you wanted to get your feeling to get your feeling

[01:02:15] I talked that I talked that like like Adam like well Adam. I don't want to put him on this bubble

[01:02:19] Like we'll talk about girls. I know but like you know what I'm talking about girls

[01:02:23] And he's like he's like isn't it like it's like hotter to like trick a woman into sleeping with you with your like personality

[01:02:30] And uh me never I've always just that's just dating a woman

[01:02:33] Well, that's charming people and I'm not a charmer. I'm not like a I like to put in no work. You know what I mean?

[01:02:39] Yeah, yeah, it's all right with it. Yeah, like do you want a date and they're like, yes

[01:02:45] And then that's it another autistic person that's perfect for me

[01:02:48] But he's like, you know, you want you know, we like to like charm somewhere like you know that you know that you like you like attain something or

[01:02:54] Got something that's way describes it and I don't have that instinct. You don't have to do that

[01:02:58] You're not Adam. I but you don't have goo bones going the dicks last resort and charming the waiters so they can't be mean to you

[01:03:04] That was crazy. You would short-circuit every time you'd be like you little

[01:03:09] And then finally when we paid the check he was like, all right you guys. Thanks so much for coming in you guys enjoying the festival

[01:03:14] Yeah, yeah, not just being like you're doing an awesome job, man the whole time just butter them up until they can't do it anymore

[01:03:20] That was so funny and somebody put that cat but the got the thing on an Asian kid and had to be an slur on it

[01:03:27] Yeah, no, it just said it just said Asian slur it said something like that. Yeah, it was crazy

[01:03:32] I'll find the video that was nuts

[01:03:34] And then ours was like our pussies are huge or something. Yeah, it's rules. Yeah, I love dicks last resort

[01:03:40] Every business there should be that there should be a dicks version of every business

[01:03:44] I just found you in there just sitting at the bar and that woman was just throwing plastic cups at your face your dead face

[01:03:53] Yeah, that was that that was the height of the laryngitis to laryngitis

[01:03:57] I saw your eyelids was coming down that whole that whole weekend. I sounded like a black eyes asshole

[01:04:04] That's how bad the laryngitis was

[01:04:06] Yeah, your voice was fucked up, but you could do Alec Baldwin. Can you do it still though? No

[01:04:15] I mean I can approximate it, but I was Alec Baldwin for like two weeks

[01:04:20] That's great. I love when I lose my voice. Yeah, the tar reads love voice. You immediately become a whore

[01:04:24] I've never I've never had those the first time I ever had it. Oh wow. I really like what I was

[01:04:31] The we I love dicks last resort. No, I can't do it

[01:04:34] That was good. This where this restaurant. No, I can't there's like something else like it was just further down on my throat

[01:04:41] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[01:04:42] This restaurant has raised over a hundred and fifty million dollars for retarded people

[01:04:48] Yeah, it's just not there. It's not there's like an extra

[01:04:52] Like to hear his voice. Yeah, hear his voice

[01:04:54] Put that coffee down

[01:04:57] coffees for closes

[01:04:59] What a crazy fucking career this man has had Alec Baldwin. Yeah. Yeah

[01:05:05] I love him. I don't care that he murdered that lady in cold blood. He was doing a bit. Yeah, it was a good bit. It was funny. Let's hear

[01:05:17] Oh, is I he's got eye pockets that are really yeah keep coins in and look at those eye pockets

[01:05:22] Yeah, I mean I look like that now

[01:05:24] There's

[01:05:28] There's all kinds of civil litigation and

[01:05:31] I felt there were a number of misconceptions

[01:05:36] A little more feminine. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, he's he's trying to be warm and apologetic. You know

[01:05:43] uh

[01:05:44] Civil litigations

[01:05:45] I was wearing a diaper at the time

[01:05:49] And I don't think that has been taken into account

[01:05:51] in a lot of the reporting about uh

[01:05:57] The incident

[01:06:00] What did he do he fired a blanketer?

[01:06:03] Yeah, he fired a gun

[01:06:05] Um, but it really from what I've read it

[01:06:07] I mean, we've mentioned on the show plenty, but it really doesn't seem like it was his fault

[01:06:12] There there was like I guess like some p.a's or something took guns from the set and went offset and like loaded live

[01:06:20] Ammunition in them and were like shooting cans. Oh, yeah, and then a gun wasn't properly cleared when it brought was brought back on set

[01:06:26] That's Ian. That's Ian's future. Yeah that pa who puts that Ian you've ruined my life

[01:06:32] You're doing the inner world. No, I'm doing Alec Baldwin

[01:06:36] Oh, no, because you're dropping at the end and he

[01:06:41] Alec Baldwin

[01:06:43] Is it it is it it no

[01:06:45] Don't just lift your head up

[01:06:47] Perfect Alec Alec Baldwin

[01:06:51] Because it has like a have you ever heard Curtis Mayfield's ass

[01:06:55] S I think it has like a little thing at the end s s s

[01:07:03] Is that it

[01:07:05] Okay, go again because now I'm picturing go again

[01:07:07] Ian have you ever seen Curtis Mayfield's ass softer s's

[01:07:11] Ian have you ever seen Curtis Mayfield's ass? That's good. That is good. That was better

[01:07:16] I think it's quite I think it's a little gay. Yeah, have you ever seen

[01:07:21] Curtis Mayfield's ass his ass

[01:07:23] You know, I've met when I'm doing Michael Douglas. I had to figure out that he pronounces A's as ease

[01:07:28] Who Michael Douglas? It's like it's not really intuitive like when he like he doesn't know like do you want to see my ass?

[01:07:35] He doesn't say that he goes. Do you want to see my ass?

[01:07:38] I don't know Michael Douglas's what do I have to do pull my pants down and show you my ass wait

[01:07:43] I'll show you my ass. You want to see my ass? You want to fuck my ass? You know Michael Douglas. Let me see him

[01:07:51] Tell me what he's in you want to fuck my ass. Give me dude. I don't know any, but oh, yeah Michael Douglas. Wow. Yes

[01:07:57] Good. I just found out that the Foo Fighters lead singer was the drummer of Nirvana had no idea

[01:08:01] Oh, really? Yeah, Dave Grohl. It was awful. I was hanging out with my favorite hardcore band and it was unveiled that I didn't know that

[01:08:07] Humiliating what is your favorite hardcore band? Isn't Cindy. Oh, okay. Great band and then you were like humiliated

[01:08:14] And then you had to go run off there like they were like they were making fun of how little shit that I knew and they were like

[01:08:18] Oh, yeah

[01:08:18] You don't know that the Foo Fighters and I was like what he is and they were like please stop. I was like it's true

[01:08:23] It's real

[01:08:24] The hardcore thing is funny because then halfway through the set they're like, you know

[01:08:27] I'm gonna I'm gonna rape your mother and start a revolution, but then they are all they're heart

[01:08:32] They're like straight edge. So then they'll be like, all right. We're gonna stop the show and

[01:08:38] If you guys want to donate all of the merch money goes to Briar Patch little lamb farm

[01:08:42] It is and then they go back and they're like fuck your mom's asshole. It's nuts. Were they friends with Dave Grohl?

[01:08:50] No, no, no, have you ever met Dave Grohl? No, you met Dave Grohl? No, no, no, why would I meet Dave Grohl?

[01:08:55] I didn't know he was. I met Kid Rock with Louie ready for this. Yeah, okay

[01:08:59] I was on tour with my feature Jake Jake leaves Jacob Velasquez

[01:09:05] Very good comic adorable. I don't know. Do you have you met Jake Silberman? No

[01:09:10] He moved here from Portland a couple months ago and he texted me, but he's like he's a monster really really good comic

[01:09:17] I've heard his name a bunch. Yeah. Yeah

[01:09:19] But anyway, Jake was like they were like we're gonna let a couple fans back here if that's okay

[01:09:23] And I was like yeah, that's cool then Jake left woman comes in

[01:09:27] I

[01:09:29] Think there might have been a little touch of the downs. I know that I'm sensitive to that but I read the kid rock

[01:09:34] I sure no no no no not Kid Rock in my show and then she punishes me forever

[01:09:38] She just like talks to me for days and days and days. I can't get out of it. Jake comes back and I'm like fuck you for leaving

[01:09:43] I hate you you can't leave and then with Louie we're at the Grand Ole Opry

[01:09:48] Louie is like

[01:09:50] You know bar Gatsy's there and he's like I'm gonna I'm with Kid Rock

[01:09:52] But then Kid Rock proceeds to bring in like a massive entourage of people Kid Rock came in introduced himself as like Bob or something

[01:10:00] And I truly was like oh shit

[01:10:02] I think I know you as one of the and I realized I like thought he was like a homeless person

[01:10:06] I'd like seen before it was crazy. Yeah, and then he he lives there, right? Yeah, and he had this entourage of like

[01:10:14] Women that were like you'd be like I think they might be hot and then you got close and realized they were very old

[01:10:19] Really scary group and I left and then they just punished I mean they just

[01:10:24] Were Kid Rock was being like you talk about politics?

[01:10:27] How come you don't talk about this whole thing going on with Trump and Louie was like

[01:10:31] Truly trapped in the seventh circle of hell and I abandoned him and he was really mad at me

[01:10:36] That's not your fault. I know but I just you there is a true thing that if you dip out honestly too

[01:10:41] Louie probably deserves to be cornered somewhere and yeah forced to listen to somebody jerk themselves off in one way or the other

[01:10:47] I would rather have somebody rate me in my ass than have all those people being like so why don't you you cover hard hitting topics and you're

[01:10:54] Stand up rough. Yeah, but yeah Kid Rock entourage of people very strange ranger. Very small

[01:11:02] Yeah, I would just I would try to make it even worse for him like have you ever considered

[01:11:06] Why don't why don't you ever say think like kid rap

[01:11:10] Kid rap that makes more sense to me

[01:11:13] That's what we should have done. He probably did do something

[01:11:15] You're did you have to think about whether to call yourself kid rap?

[01:11:20] You're doing kid rock talking to kid rock

[01:11:23] Yeah

[01:11:25] How what was that decision like?

[01:11:27] I'm gonna well I'm gonna next time Adam takes a vacation. I'm gonna try and get big guests and you can get kid rock

[01:11:32] Get I'm gonna get kid rock on I'm gonna interview him and be the dumbest talk show host of all time

[01:11:37] Yeah, but then you're just z-way

[01:11:39] I'm there. I don't know who z-way is z-way

[01:11:42] Is that is the like I don't even know what she's doing if it's ironic or not

[01:11:46] It is ironic, but she just asked questions

[01:11:48] That's the other thing to not not only my old and I don't pay attention anything

[01:11:52] But now all the names are like I have no I just even a person

[01:11:56] Z-way could have been a robot invented by Honda. They're just asked people questions. Totally

[01:12:01] With that I hear that name. I don't imagine a gender a race. I have no fucking context

[01:12:06] I think she's like a I think she's like a black woman who's married to like a white guy

[01:12:11] This is more this is news to me because that was like a black question. You know jet hangs

[01:12:16] Yes, Tom Hanks is son who talks in

[01:12:18] Whatever it's called. He's a veteran

[01:12:21] Yes, right and yeah, she you know she he goes on

[01:12:25] He's the best guest that she's ever had because he was like it's not okay that you speak with him

[01:12:29] You should make an accent. He was like why?

[01:12:31] He was like you really don't see why and he was like no, it's like it's my favorite thing to do

[01:12:35] You just do anything I do all day long. He's the best

[01:12:37] What am I gonna do be like? Oh, I'm ready to do my taxes. I love him white guys do the black guy doing a white guy

[01:12:45] That's my retrans. That's your retrans. Yeah. Yeah, I watched

[01:12:49] Check-hanks videos for so long that I got on stage and broke into full Jamaican feelings

[01:12:53] Like a 32 year old guy recovering from being a wager and he has to relearn how to talk white

[01:12:58] And he's like well, it's a beautiful day here at McDonald's ladies and gentlemen

[01:13:01] I believe I'll have the hash browns and a coffee a white guy code switching back to code

[01:13:05] Yeah, and they're like why are you talking like that dude? And he's like, mmm

[01:13:09] I'm trying to escape my past. I live with black guy white guy black guy comes in white guy starts talking in full

[01:13:16] Black guy really and then I walk in and they both short-circuit because the black guy has to go switch to me and the white guy does

[01:13:21] But they both know that they were just talking in full black

[01:13:24] I turned into like an 80 year old when I have to talk to black people like my mom who accidentally said colored the other day

[01:13:30] No, not in that way, but I'll be like I'll be like well. How you doing fellas?

[01:13:33] You know, I've become like an old-timey like a soda jerk guy. I don't know why because you don't want to go

[01:13:40] You don't have the worst thing to do is to slip. Yeah, this is all of a sudden get the yeah, I'll be like oh gosh

[01:13:46] Yeah, that's what you have to do. Well gee willikers. Yes. Yeah, heaven's the Betsy

[01:13:52] That's very close to saying the Edward though. Yeah, it'll just slip into that

[01:13:56] You're trying so hard to not talk black that you call me inward. Yeah

[01:14:00] Yeah, now I want to there's nothing less attractive than when you're dating somebody and then a black guy comes in and they start switching

[01:14:06] You're like it's over. I got I got in trouble for when I worked with the car dealership

[01:14:09] We had we got you know, we had a hotline

[01:14:11] So like everybody's phone in the office would ring and whoever got the phone first. That was your sale

[01:14:16] So I got the phone they would they record your calls and my boss called me in the office and I'm he's like

[01:14:21] I want to play two calls for you. Okay, and you might don't we'll listen and I'll tell you what the problem is

[01:14:25] Oh my god

[01:14:26] So they have me the first one. It's like clearly some white lady. I'm like, yes, we certainly do have a CRV

[01:14:31] On the lot and then if you want to come by we can set up a test rod no pressure, you know, but

[01:14:36] It's like pretty aggressively priced. So, you know, it might go pretty quick. So if you if you can come by today

[01:14:41] I'll be here all day, you know, whatever

[01:14:43] And then then some guy calls and he's like, yeah, I'm calling about the Lincoln Navigator

[01:14:47] And you know, I was like 18 or whatever. So I'm like, yeah, I got you. I got you

[01:14:51] Oh my god. Oh my god. But hold on. I came into that from like selling phones

[01:14:58] And selling next cell phones. And so I would do that at work because I had to that's how you like God's sales

[01:15:02] So like I like I'm like, yeah, this is how you sell shit to black people

[01:15:06] But somebody playing back to

[01:15:09] Meanest thing you could ever do to say he's like this is highly unprofessional. I'm like I'm meeting him or he's at

[01:15:15] You know, what a joy to be that boss

[01:15:17] Dude, I'm gonna bring this kid when I sold next cell phones and you like forget some fucking guy with Ted tattoos on his face

[01:15:23] And you go like look man, we're all out here

[01:15:26] I would say that then you got it. You got it. We're all out here. Dude. We're all out here together. So

[01:15:32] I'm not gonna fuck you. I'm not gonna fuck you over. I promise you. This is the deal

[01:15:36] Oh god, it's bad. I'm not gonna say out here. That's not happening managers do it. Yeah managers will switch with their black clients

[01:15:43] Oh, one of my old managers

[01:15:46] I heard him pick up a call from what's the black guy's name from curb?

[01:15:51] Michael Jordan, JB smooth

[01:15:54] Oh, okay

[01:15:55] Yeah, and he picked up the call while I was in the office and I mean this is like a 55 year old Jewish man

[01:16:00] And dropped fully into black boys. It was unreal. I think it was crazy. It was so smooth and I was like no

[01:16:06] We can't I can't work. I can't be the first manager ever had he sent me an email where he used the word ballin

[01:16:11] He was like he was like ball all capital letters ballin or something like that and I I was like yeah

[01:16:18] Thanks for the help. I don't think we can work together anymore. It's crazy. I'm just done with this

[01:16:23] I love immediate immediate deal breakers like that one time I was laughing so hard on a train

[01:16:28] With this dude. I couldn't because we got in the train big fat guy wearing a tiny helmet

[01:16:32] And we got on the train and the guy was with said safety first

[01:16:35] And I like I couldn't control myself

[01:16:37] I was laughing so hard in the second I got the train. He was like, I don't think we should see each other anymore

[01:16:41] I was like yeah

[01:16:43] The guy was wearing a helmet on the train huge fat guy he kept falling asleep and his head would tip and the helmet would yeah

[01:16:48] Just decide a train. I saw the fastest guy in the world on a

[01:16:53] Crane. Yeah, this was this was months ago. He was on it was a truck that has a crane attached to it

[01:16:59] and

[01:17:02] Like he was sitting in like the control chair on top of the the crane

[01:17:06] And I mean you're you're gonna love it. I mean you got to see this guy. It's unreal how fucking

[01:17:11] How fat this guy was it's gonna take me a minute to find it though. So

[01:17:16] Sorry everybody

[01:17:18] But I gotta show I gotta show you this on this audio

[01:17:21] Podcast this picture of a fat guy that Jordan may or may not laugh at and that you guys will not be able to see

[01:17:28] How fat is he I mean I'm telling you you're gonna love this

[01:17:31] You never see a fat old people that is a that is a real thing

[01:17:37] They did like quick. Yeah, cuz you're not I mean that's like a you're really doing damage to your body

[01:17:44] being fat as shit

[01:17:45] for an extended period of time

[01:17:48] It's like being on drugs. Have you fucked a big fat lady?

[01:17:53] All right, uh, I'm I guess not really I mean sort of here look at this guy

[01:17:57] Okay

[01:18:00] Where is he

[01:18:04] Oh my god. Oh my god

[01:18:08] Oh my god. He has a fat roll around his head. Yeah. No, this guy's easily

[01:18:14] Five six hundred pounds. Oh my god

[01:18:16] And he's plopped up on the highest point of the tallest vehicle in a tiny chair. Yeah

[01:18:23] Oh my god

[01:18:24] Working these controls and spinning around the whole time the chair like moves while he works the crane

[01:18:29] He lives up there. Yeah bring him food up there. He's the king. Yeah. No, how did he get down?

[01:18:35] Uh, I don't know. I couldn't I saw it. I'm like this is unreal

[01:18:38] I don't believe we have the tv show my six hundred thousand pound brother or whatever it is

[01:18:42] What do you owe? What is it my 600? There's a lot of them now. That's crazy thousand pound sisters

[01:18:47] There's not a thousand pounds friends

[01:18:49] People together there are a thousand pounds, but even on my 600 pound life like that was the title

[01:18:54] The show when they started it and then half the time now they're like, you know, they bring the little doctor

[01:18:58] And he's like we weigh the year and you know 897 pounds and we have the video down to

[01:19:06] 700

[01:19:08] 80 pounds or become under the surgery

[01:19:12] And but every day you do this you carry yourself

[01:19:15] Every day you do this you do damage to your body and you you'll die

[01:19:23] Are you thinking of one particular person? No, that's how he talks all of the doctors are like that

[01:19:28] Yeah, there's always one doctor on the show. Do you not know the guy? I don't watch the show. I can't believe that you watch it

[01:19:34] I watch it all the time

[01:19:36] I love I love to you. You remember the little guy and okay. Did you watch

[01:19:40] What's it called love on a spectrum? Uh, yes, but not a lot of it

[01:19:44] You know the man who they had in the most reason one who just is a little turd with a little face drawn on it

[01:19:49] He's a little fat round-turd Ian got him to do a happy birthday cameo

[01:19:53] And what was sent to Ian was just black it was just black and you can hear a ceiling fan going and somebody just

[01:20:02] There we go doctor doctor now's most savage moments

[01:20:07] Hey, all good. Oh my god, Robin

[01:20:09] I'm sorry

[01:20:12] So is that why you missed your last appointment?

[01:20:16] And you just have your bypass come up two months ago and

[01:20:21] When this is Michael Moore you were down to five forty six

[01:20:25] So you lost only nine pounds a set

[01:20:29] But Renee has lost almost 50 pounds at the same time and she hasn't even had her bypass yet

[01:20:36] Don't let anyone is going on with you. I guess I mean her own things

[01:20:41] You think it's funny

[01:20:43] You have a gasket bypass. I had a gasket bypass

[01:20:47] Lose weight to lose weight and you have losing weight. I don't eat a third

[01:20:56] Okay

[01:20:58] I don't understand the morning you understand. What are you talking about?

[01:21:01] You're choosing to read and you think it's okay. No, I don't think it's okay at all

[01:21:05] So what is going on? I guess I'm not eating the right things

[01:21:10] I mean we gave you the instruction that you need to follow and you have to follow

[01:21:16] You play your course right. I think you got the surgery

[01:21:18] Now you playing this kind of game anything that's okay

[01:21:22] I want this is me acting too. Yes. That's my line delivery. You play this kind of game. You think it's okay

[01:21:30] You play this guy. Yeah, then we shoot stuff and in my head in my head

[01:21:35] I'm Lee in order to capoe and then I watch the playback and it's that it's fun. You do this

[01:21:42] You do this you do this you do so much this even though you get Saturday, buddy

[01:21:48] You don't eat what is this funny to you?

[01:21:52] And then on Sunday come and now your ass is inside out

[01:21:57] Adam's a very good actor. I was surprised to see. Yeah, he's getting better too. It's good. Yeah, I was really blown away

[01:22:04] Both of you guys it's fun. It seems fun. It is a lot of fun

[01:22:10] What have you done? What characters? I just Dracula you and Dracula me and Dracula so far

[01:22:14] It's nice when it's when it goes back to you because then you realize how good the acting was

[01:22:18] Yeah, I'm hopefully doing more character. It's a lot of fun

[01:22:21] I mean it's weird because it's like you know, we want to do like we're trying to transition the

[01:22:26] Video stuff, but it's like you would it's not like you can't just jump from riffing on a podcast and

[01:22:33] Doing like did jump though. You have good bits in there. Yeah, but it's like it's a whole new thing. You know, it's like

[01:22:41] I mean, it's like

[01:22:43] You know, it's just a completely different fucking thing. So we have to figure out why we're doing it like hardcore makeup

[01:22:50] Like what is it going? No, I mean looks like anything else. It's just a matter of practice

[01:22:54] You know, so the more we do it. We'll we'll figure it out

[01:22:57] But if we could give you press dad X make you into a little down syndrome girl, that's that would be

[01:23:01] Incredible, it's I don't know. That's the plan. That is the plan. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

[01:23:06] I'm gonna play that the the copper tone girl, but she has down syndrome and the dog is pulling down the bathing suit in the front

[01:23:13] Yes

[01:23:14] The she's falling backwards and the dogs and you can see her pussy and that's great. That's gonna be the cold open for next week

[01:23:21] And it'll pause and it'll be like copper tone. Yeah copper tone nice. Yeah, is it gonna say copper tone or something else?

[01:23:28] It's gonna say copper tone. Okay, we have a deal with them. Oh nice. Yeah, we're not yet

[01:23:33] But I'm gonna show that to him. They're like, what do you think? I'll take it. Yeah. Yeah, that was always a crazy photo taking copper tone

[01:23:39] In a new direction people have jacked off to that. Yeah, of course for sure. Yeah, it's a petafall

[01:23:45] It's a petafall company or a little cute button the little naughty dog. Mm-hmm. The Scotty

[01:23:49] The Scotty naughty Scotty. Yeah, a little Scotty dog. Well, um, thank you for joining us this week

[01:23:55] We're gonna wrap it up. This one. Oh wow. This is a long one

[01:23:58] Um

[01:23:59] And happy new year folks

[01:24:02] Thanks for listening to the Adam Friedland show if you're still listening to this right now

[01:24:06] I still have tickets available

[01:24:09] Tomorrow through the after weekend new year's eve. I will be at the San Jose improv

[01:24:14] Tickets have not moved. I did not realize how close San Jose is to San Francisco. So I'm sure if you're in the Bay Area

[01:24:21] And you already came to that show in San Francisco a month ago

[01:24:26] You're not coming to this one, but if you wanted to come to the morning San Francisco and you that couldn't

[01:24:32] Please come out. It'll be a good time. I have to throw out the hour I was doing on the road this last year

[01:24:38] And build a new one. So this will be uh, it'll be loose might be bad

[01:24:42] But there might be be volatile. Let's say that. Yeah, that's what you want raiming for volatile

[01:24:47] Try to have fun try and rip something out try to have a like a fun a fun new year. So let's get fucking let's get uh

[01:24:54] You know, let's do right with god. Let's get right with god. I was gonna say fucked up. I don't know what people bring

[01:25:01] Drugs people do that to you. They try to get

[01:25:03] Oh, yeah, people have like tried to barrel on to the stage with a bag of mushrooms. Yeah, no

[01:25:07] Don't do you on mushrooms and violent. Yeah, you know, yeah

[01:25:11] Um, come see me in Detroit. Where are you playing in Detroit?

[01:25:16] Detroit house of comedy is a bad

[01:25:18] Don't believe it's bad. I only know oh no idea. I don't know that club. I only know mark riddellies

[01:25:24] Um, we'll just come out because it'll be fun. Yeah, go come out come out to that in Detroit

[01:25:28] We're in Detroit is it I don't know I've never been to Detroit really I want to go to a car museum

[01:25:32] I love Detroit really. I love cars. So I think I'll love it. Do you? Yes, I didn't realize you're a car guy. What?

[01:25:38] Yeah, of course. Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Yeah, that's why I made you explain how an engine works

[01:25:44] Why you would know that if you liked cars? I feel I mean, I understand engines

[01:25:48] But I don't understand all the pistons and all the firings and stuff, but I do love cars

[01:25:52] I've always had cars. Yeah, I've had cars that are cool. Yeah

[01:25:56] Okay, you know awesome. Well, yeah, your guy picked up my motorcycle a giant man

[01:26:01] Chris no a different man with a long pizza ginger beard huge like motorcycle dude

[01:26:07] JD I don't know but he fucked up teeth

[01:26:11] I don't know. I'll show you the picture of him

[01:26:13] Okay, but Chris was like he'll be over to grab it and then he was like how many cc's and I was like 250 and he like left

[01:26:20] For so long and then it was like he'll just strap it to his back

[01:26:23] And now he's trying to convince me to make my motorcycle into a chopper. Yeah, so I have to be like Chris do not put gorilla

[01:26:29] Whatever they're called eight bars on my tiny motorcycle. Yeah, let Chris do it

[01:26:33] I don't want to be this per I'm already I love that guy. Have you hung out with him a lot?

[01:26:38] No, but through text we're best friends dude. He's the greatest guy. He's the best

[01:26:41] He's the most affable guys like the the friendliest guy in the world should go and hang out there

[01:26:45] Yeah, for sure because he's there all the time. Yeah. Yeah for sure. Definitely. He's getting married

[01:26:50] To the hot lady agatha. Yeah. Yeah

[01:26:53] Nice. Yeah. I don't I don't know if I'm gonna say their names or whatever. Oh

[01:26:59] I don't know. Yeah, well, they're not comics. You know, I don't want to like

[01:27:02] Oh, you know what I mean?

[01:27:05] Well, they don't know who it is. They're private lives or whatever. They're not in New York. So leave them alone. Yeah. Yeah

[01:27:11] Yeah, they're fictional characters. Yeah, they're both characters Shane Gillis does

[01:27:16] So you can just ask him about those people instead of

[01:27:18] Yeah, go to him. Yeah, go to him. Um, all right guys, thanks

[01:27:22] And I have to walk around the stage that turned the recorder off

[01:27:25] So I'll do that now. So there's gonna be five seconds of dead air and then the episodes over folks. Okay

[01:27:32] Yeah, be joining patreon

[01:27:37] Then be in theiled.

[01:27:39] Duh.

[01:27:40] Alright, let's do a gonna Zion.

[01:27:42] That's the one.

[01:27:43] Good game.

[01:27:47] Now, let's think.